Hell, I suck good Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared and I heard radio podcast. Hey guys, thank you for tuning into another episode of Help I second dating. Dean is in studio with me. Thank you so much for tuning in. We're going to start with the intimacy expert. Her name is Elena pret Lana Banana. You know what, it's so funny because we're You're Canadian, right, Alana? Yes? So yeah, yeah yeah, so like usually Americans will say like a Lana and I started using like that intonation whatever it's called, but my yeah, she's Canadian, so it's Alanta. How are you? And I'm awesome. I remember when I interviewed Alanis Morrisset and I'm like, I used to say Atlanta Banana, but now I say like a land, like a land. Yeah. So it's great to be with you two beautiful, delicious people. Thank you for calling in, Thank you for being part of the show with us today. I love it. I love it, and it's so great to talk about what talks about dating and be you know, vulnerable and transparent and and change some things for people out there. Absolutely. So you're an intimacy expert, can you define what that means. Well, back, you know, I don't know if you ever saw that movie with Mike Myers, you know, into me, I see, you know, it's kind of made fun of. But really that's what it's about. Intimacy with self. First, it's really easy to love our good parts, are shiny parts, are triumphant parts, but are lobbly parts. When we're ashamed and scared, it's really hard to love those parts. And what ends up happening as we try to cover up and pretend we're fine when we're not, and we overcompensate, but people see rights through that. And because we're emotionally unavailable to ourselves, we're resisting ourselves. We're shoving away a part of ourselves in a closet with a two by four, And there's stuff up right like don't let anybody know you're scared. Um, that same emotional unavailability with self gets neared, and we start to attract emotionally unavailable people, narcissists, ghosters, to all this kind of stuff. Yeah, I had that, um, that moment of realization. So, I mean I spoke about this last episode. I was like casually dating someone and it kind of fizzled out, and you know, my eagles like, well, why why did it fizzle out? Like it was something that I did wrong. And then I started to you know, like blame him and blame me, and then I went through all those different stages, and then I started realizing, maybe, deep down, I'm not ready for a committed relationship, and that is why I keep attracting these men that aren't ready for that intimate, committed relationship. Yeah, you're you're so wise. You know, when we are more interested in not getting hurt again, not being rejected, not feeling that pain, we might show up and go on a date, but really, deep down that inner fear is going to sabotage ourselves, right, And sabotage is such a word that I sometimes use when I'm dating someone. And I realized that sometimes I could spiral and I'll start overthinking, and then I'll start doing things to get a reaction. Um. And you know, I'm probably not the only person that does this, but you know, I could sometimes send a text message and I'm like why, And then I stopped myself before pressing sent, and I'm like, why am I sending this message If I'm sending it to get a react? Reaction from the person I'm automatically going to get disappointed because I'm testing that person. They don't know they're being tested, and they're gonna they're gonna fail, making me, you know, get the reaction that I want to get. So I guess my question is when someone goes is a relationship podcast, and you know, I keep talking about getting my heartbroken and stuff. So if someone goes through um, a breakup or whatever, you know, the ending of a connection. Let's put it that way. Um, what are the steps to being um to be being able to give back to that happy place again in order to attract the right people back into your life. It's a perfect question because a lot of people skip up and they do what I call sprinkles on top of the ice cream cone of and they just pretend they're fine and they get out there again, but they haven't them the inner work, and as you said, it sabotages them. So the first one is to like feel your feelings, and we aren't very good at that in society. We're very good at Facebook, antidepressants, we're not very good at feeling feelings. You don't know what to do. It's overwhelming, it's intense, like how do you navigate that? So the first one is to get like a coach like me, or or a process where you can really shit in the spire. And I have this little sort of little you visualization, like imagine, little Dean is inside Dean's heart, a little Vanessa is inside Vanessa's heart, and they are they are hurt, they're they're crushed, they're devastated. And isn't it true that, you know, in society, we we often go and go, well, let's just have a good attitude and let's get out there again, and if you know, have a positive attitude. But that's the sprinkles. And what really, this little one inside wants is for us to go inside with the patience of eternity, just sit there and maybe have a shot of tequila and a bag of chips in the bath, and to cry and just let it out. Not even because that residual what you resist persists and grows, but be willing to go to the core of the core of the core and feel it out to the bottom. And once that's done, then I like to imagine I'm so like visual but whatever, so like to sit in the throne like Queen Vanessa and kudn't be And you're sit in the throne and you put in front of you a movie screen of of attracting this person, as if you chose that for your growth and evolution. No victims here, no blaming here, no blaming of self for other Like I chose that mofo because it's to grow my forgiveness, me speaking my truth, me being willing to say thank you but no thank you, Me knowing my worth. You know, I'm more than my looks. I'm more than my Facebook like cause I'm more than this, you know. Do I really have a worth beyond my title, my identity? Maybe that's what the gift was. So so first fill your feelings, then sit in your throne. And there's one other little step in there that I think is important as well. If we have anger, it's not good to go murder people, not good to send like threatening ter but that's an energy. I'm a I'm a nerd. I interview like you know, celebrities, but I also interview like quantum physicists as well, and I really want to understand what's going on inside the body when we're we're poisoned with this toxic anger we gotta get rid of it. So I have this very politically incorrect process called the Theater of Redemption, and I dress up as this dominatrix and I go with my clients and we just you know, and it's all in context. And don't worry, I'm not an evil person. But we we mutilate the the identity that hurt, not the soul of the person, not the heart of the person, but just like the the identity that was a meeting, we just kneel like that person and we get it out of the body so it doesn't reside inside. Because I lost my mom at when she was sixty one of cancer, and I swear it because you just didn't get rid of that toxic anger from all those years, and she taught me, I get rid of it. You know it's not healthy. I agree. Um. Before we jump into our next segment, I do want to talk about one thing, and that's the Amazon Fire TV holiday seasons are coming upon us, and obviously part of that means that you need to be getting gifts for your loved ones, for your friends, for your family members, whoever it is, and why not give them the gift of endless entertainment? And through the Amazon fire TV you can get that for them. I personally have one and it's my favorite thing that I own, and I'm not even joking because it allows me to stay home and watch Netflix endlessly. What do you like to watch? I just finished The Good Place? Um, Like I said, hours of entertainment that you can enjoy through the Amazon Fire TV, whether it's through the tens of thousands of channels that they offer, the apps, the Alexas skills, Amazon fire TV brings all live TV and streaming content you love to the biggest screen in your home. That's another reason to love it, as well as a lot of times you'll find yourself watching TV on your phone or on your tablet, whatever it might be, and the screens are not the best. Obviously, they're portable, but it's not like watching it on the living room TV. And Amazon fire TV allows you to have access to all of those things while sitting in the most comfortable room in your house and watching it on the biggest screen in your house. You have things like Netflix, Prime Video, Hulu YouTube, all of those things and more. One of the things I love about Amazon fire TV is, um I'm a big Alexa fan. I have a lot of Alexa enabled devices in my home, and uh, I love that I can just like ultimate laziness like I always thought, sitting on the couch and channel surfings like the laziest thing possible. I don't even have to lift my arms. I just sit there. I talked to Alexa and I asked it to play open YouTube, and it just and on the fire TV just opens up YouTube, and um, all my what I like to watch. I like to watch supercuts of all the Transformers transforming from the movies. I don't like to watch the parts in between in the movies. I just want to see him transform from cars into robots. And I ask Alexa to open up YouTube. It's already recommended because I watched some of those videos and I can just pull them right up. Sometimes the Amazon YouTube things YouTube recommendations embarrassed me because all I've watched like video game footage of like StarCraft two, like Sickest Taran Macro versus the Zerg. And then my room and then my roommates will get on the Amazon Fire TV later on in the day and they'll be like, why is there a bunch of nerdy video game recommendations for this game that looks like the nerdest thing in the world, and I like, like, I just like like shutter in the corner. It wasn't mean, but they obviously know that as me. Anyways, that's what's great about the Amazon fire TV is because you can pull up full length YouTube videos on your television. You don't have to watch them on your computer, you don't have to watch them on your phone anymore. You can watch them right there on the biggest TV in your house. And all you have to do is ask Alexa to do it. Alexa, google Transformers Transforming Boom. You're watching Transformers Transforming on the biggest TV in your house. You have the I Heart Radio app. Of course, you can be listening to this podcast through your Amazon fire t V. If you're doing that right now, that's incredible. If you're doing that right now, send us a d M and tell us about it, that's great. You can watch like I said before, YouTube, Netflix, Hulu. Fire tv is the perfect gift for the entertainment fan in your life for this holiday season. And let's be honest, who's not an entertainment fan. Everyone loves to go to the movies, watch TV, watch YouTube videos, watch transformers, transform watch StarCraft videos, all that stuff. We all love it. So it's the perfect gift for literally anyone that you know and they would love to have it. So if you go to Amazon dot com Slash I Suck podcast, you can learn how to buy an Amazon Fire TV for yourself, for your family, for your friends. Maybe you have a boyfriend that you want to buy to impress, maybe you have a girlfriend, Maybe you have both. Maybe you just want to buy Amazon Fire TVs and hand them out on the street to random people. Those are all great ideas. Go to Amazon dot com Slash I Suck podcast and check out the Amazon Fire TV. Promise you won't regret it. You will have, like I said before, limitless entertainment at your fingertips, at the at the tip of your tongue because all you do is talk to Alexa. So Amazon dot Com Slash I Suck Podcast, be sure to check it out. Be the hero of this holiday season. Surprise your friends with the greatest gift of all. Check it out. I think that you know sometimes it's it's all a matter of like ego and your emotions and um. Once and we had these conversations with Dean, Jared and I, and I say it's a lot easier, you know, to be the person that well, actually, I don't know anymore. So if you're being the one that's being broken up with, you have all these unsolved questions, right, and sometimes you want to know why, why why? But in some cases you'll never get the answer to why, and you have to give yourself your own closure, and being able to give yourself that closure is hard. Um. And you want to reach out to that person, um, and you want your answers. UM. But actually I just posted on my Instagram a quote and it says, any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, your standards and or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with. And it's so true. You know, it's really great that you're bringing this up for both of you, and maybe we can do like a little exercise here for a couple of minutes for each of you. One of the reasons I'm such a successful coaches I don't judge, I unconditionally love, I don't fix, and I'm this really deep space to get people and make them feel safe, seen and understood. Just rare most of us When we share our feelings to somebody, they have a rebuttal or a justification, or they give a reason, or they're not even listening, or they you know, and and thus it spins in our head. Communication is a two way process. A lot of people don't know this. They think it's just talk. No, that's only half of it. Unless it's received by another with no judgment, it stays spinning in our minds for decades and decades. It makes us crazy, but it's who is You're received and not agreed with, but just understood. It dissolved into nothing. And so I'll be your ex right now. If you want to play, um, and so, just start talking to me, and I'm going to receive you just so you can get it out of your system. And if being you want to play too, we can just get it out of your system. I'll just I'll receive Vanessa doing it. What are you not a giver? I'm more of a listener than I'm a talker. Um, well, what do you want to what do you want to say? Just like yourself with all of us. I don't think there's anything specific that I want to say. It was I mean, oh okay, right, Okay, I think what I would want to say. I value respect UM a lot, and respect in the sense that UM respect for me is like communicating and being honest and UM valuing a person's time. So I guess for me it would be why did you know it takes a week or whatever? I remember how long it was to communicate your feelings when all along, like the entire time we were casually dating, we were very upfront and honest about where we were and what we wanted, and um, the minute I guess doubt crept into his head. It took him a while to be able to put it into words. And instead of being like, hey, you know, I need a minute to just like sit with my thoughts and figure this out, it was like, let me ignore you for a couple of days. And then I started to start to started to think I did something wrong. And then I started to reevaluate the things that I was doing, and the doubt started creeping up in my head, and I'm like, oh, there's what did I do? I started I started dissecting um things that I was saying and doing, and uh. But then deep down own you know that that time alone made me realize, like, yeah, I know I don't want to be with this person. Hmm. Okay, so so can I give you feedback? Okay, So for like about like ten seconds or fishing seconds, you were actually talking right to him, but then you started talking about him in third person, and then you went up into your mind and then you started analyzing everything. This is the Achilles heel of me, everybody, this is what I've learned. When we start to go up in our brain, it just keeps spinning. But if you could actually like breax it to me as if I'm him in a way, that makes it land. And then not only and not only say the why, but let him know how it makes you feel, and like fully like that the whole thing, it'll actually stop spinning. All the questions will stop spinning. The promise, so take to well this is so this is I feel like the last So I don't feel like there's any form of a mode. I'm very neutral about this situation right now. So there's no I woke up this morning like like, okay, I don't feel anything, and I I guess it's because it's been you know, it's been a while since this this term ended or whatever you want to say, Um, so there's nothing that I personally need to get out. I don't know if Dean needs to get anything. Yeah, the chapter is definitely closed. And the thing is, I knew I didn't want to see I didn't see myself with him. Um long term, my I knew my ego got in the way of of me being like, all right, well we're both on the same page, let's move on. So so my only, my only coaching would be and maybe do this with a shot of tequila and a bag of chips in the bath or something like that. But but I encourage you to consider there could be a little anger. They're not sadness, to be sadness, but this idea, if somebody doesn't respect you right like, there's a fury around that, there's are how dare you so my coaching would be do like five or ten? How dare you just speak it out? Just speak it out, just to be sure that nothing's left in there? And then for bonus points, where did you disrespect yourself in the process? Where did you not respect your truth? Where did you not honor a red flag? Where did you have something like that? So begin Okay, so so what did you learn about where you didn't respect yourself because he's just a mirror one of the physics level. Nobody's even out there. It's all lightly like, you know, so he's you, isn't that close? But I mean he's not a not the most attract now kidding, Um, I think I knew it. There is still some theory in there that little comments, right, all right, I was just kidding. He's very attractive. Um, I think, No, I'm trying not to insult him. I don't think. I don't think anything badly about this person. I think we both knew where we where we wanted to take things. I think for me, where I disrespected myself or actually I knew there were red flags from the beginning. But I tend to give people a second chance. I'm like, you know what, I think the first few times you interact with someone, there I call it the audition process where they're not truly authentically themselves, and I want to be able to give them a chance to really show give them a chance to be, you know, for them to be who they are. Um. So I'm like, Okay, maybe the red flags are there because he wasn't really himself. I started doing the opposite of that I've started whenever I meet someone setting the bar intentionally very very low for myself that way, later on there's only room for improvement for yourself, Like I will, I will talk more crap about myself than anything else. In that way, anything positive that I do is always like like, oh, look at that, But you do that to the person you're dating. So if I'm going on dates, I'm just like, unabashedly honest about all my shortcomings. Really, yes see, I feel like if a female does that, a guy's like, oh, like I don't want to deal with all these issues or she's too insecure. Well, in all transparency, I had it took a long time for me to get all of this straight. Like I've had two divorces, a crazy custody battle. So I'm not saying like I'm some perfect guru. But what I do know is that when we give people a second chance from our minds like it's the right thing to do, we often don't listen to our intuition and instincts. And the more we can balance the wisdom of our body of that uh huh and not over rely on our mind, which is often connected to fear hesitancy doing it right. Looking good, we make better decisions. Um, So how does that resonate? I do have one. I have one counter argument that you made earlier. I think you're saying something along the lines of love yourself first, love yourself or your flaws and stop trying to hide them over compensate. I to count you that. I actually I wrote something up about this the other day because I believe so passionately about it. I think, I think that's self loathing is the vehicle that drives us to self improvement. Right, And so if you sit back and you're like, I accept all of these flaws that I have in there, I'm perfect because of them, that doesn't necessarily make you strive to better those flaws, you know what I mean. And so if you're if you're constantly down on yourself for these specific things, like I'm going to set out to improve these things about myself. But some things like let's say, I don't know, there's some things that like I wish I had, you know, like a bigger but let's say, so go to the gym, and you know, but there's like my buck can only grow as big as it gets, So I'm gonna have to appreciate my butt for what it is. Like. Okay, well this is the butt that I was blessed with. One thing you want to understand about science and energy is what you resist. Christis anything you push against you put energy into. So by by loathing a part of you, you can motivate yourself from fear. But it's a whole different thing to be inspired by your creativity and your love. And yeah, a lot of people can get results by hating the ship out of themselves, But at the end of the day, that is still keeping all of that self hatred alive, and it's going to bite you in the ask and you're going to attract somebody that's going to judge you as harshly as you're judging yourself. I'm not saying sit in your ass and do nothing. I'm asking you to check into the motivation. What if you're just present, not loathing yourself, not saying your flaws are fine. Making friends with your flaws doesn't mean you don't need to do anything about it, but it means you're stopping the resistance and you're actually being centered, grounded, present, aware, discerning mother from badass. That's who I am. That's what I'm creating, and that's where I'm going totally different than cruelty and and loathing and unkindness, because if you do that on the inside, I guarantee you you're going to attract a partner that's going to do it to you eventually. And I don't know your relationships being but if women have not honored you, respected you, been the wind in your wings up and and for you, it's only because that's inside what's going on within you, because that resonate at all a little bit. I think, well, I think just inherently I'm an crearily sarcastic person, and I can tend to attract the people that are equally a sarcastic back to me. And I think with that you get like a lot of like joking jabs, which you know, sometimes it's a little bit truth. And I guess, yeah, I don't know. I feel like, um uh, you know, when your room. For me, if my room as a disaster, that's how my my brain is feeling. It's a reflection. It's a reflection of how I'm feeling internally. And sometimes I try to ask myself, Okay, well, if I'm attracted to this person or if I'm saying yes to go on a date with this specific person. Why am I doing it? I want to know the wise behind it? Am I doing it for validation? Am I doing it? Yeah? So I'm at that that that point right now where um, I'm actually very happy being alone and I want to be able to focus and re refocus my energy on the things that matter the most to me and then the rest will fall into place. I I compared to um, when you're looking for specific purple dress with yellow polka dots and you go shopping, You're not going to find it because you're you're constantly like, that's all you're looking for, and you're ignoring everything else that's in the store. And then that one day you're going to go shopping, you're like, oh my god, it was like right on that rack. How did I not see it? So I'm I'm I'm applying that to my dating life right now, where I'm gonna just go with the flow and the right person will come along when the timing is right. I like that when I at interesting that you are so young. Of course, she said that the most important things she wants to teach women, but I think it applies for men as well is to fall madel in love with being alone. And that means you're not going out there to get attention or get approval or fill some void within you with the relationship. And so like before I said, you're present, you can choose you're in your best state, aligned with your creativity, your intuition, the divine, however you like to believe that, and that to me is your most sexy attractive self is when you don't need anything. Um So I completely love that, and um I do. I do appreciate the wisdom, the width, and the brilliance of people that are sarcastic. I think they tend to have higher intelligence than most people to make those kinds of witty jokes and stuff. But I think they undervalue the the their vulnerability, like their true um true vulnerability, true transparency, and they make they kind of fluff it off with some jokes because at the core of the core of the core, I I don't think there is balanced with emotional intelligence as intellectual intelligence, and and sarcasm ultimately has this little digging edge and my experience, at least with my clients, they can still be funny, they can still be brilliant, and witty. But when that little edge goes away and something inside balances into this equilibrium, the relationship that they attract next is extraordinary and healthy and rich and intimate. And before then it was always just a little bit of a of a block of a to that person, a little bit of an edge. Um, which is, if you're interested in all of that really deep, incredible lovemaking and divine intimate communion of being with your best friend, we want to put down every last one of our walls and let them in all the way. It's not possible if we're not in all the way to ourselves. So I have a question. You said you went through a divorce. You were divorced twice. Yeah, okay, And are you married now? No, I'm in a wonderful relationship. No I'm not married. You're in a wonderful relationship. So people keep telling me it's nice to stop worrying when you know you know? Hm, that apply, because I'm like, well, how come I've never known? Like? Is it because none of these guys I've ever dated were the right ones for me? Well, you guys are in your late twenties. I'm in my late I love you in my early thirties, and now I married my first husband. He was a tall, dark and hands the multimillionaire and I was an insecure little girl looking for daddy's love. That's really what it was. And I was a model in Japan and and he was this you know, well street broker and he I was all googly eyed, right, um, but I really wanted him to save me. And what I needed to do was save myself and love myself. So that ended. And the second one was when my mom, as I mentioned, was dying and I just didn't have the courage to face the pain of losing her. So I just wanted another relationship and let's have a baby so I don't have to feel this being. Let's just move on. So it was kind of very masculine and controlling, and obviously that one didn't work, and it went into a near custody battle where I lost everything that my ego appreciated. I lost my house, I lost my savings. I went into all this debt and I even lost some custody um. And it was humiliating, um, but it was the best thing for me because my ego was still running the show. I was still trying to look good do it right. When I was still driving, I wasn't at peace in the moment. I wasn't at peace in my body. I wasn't at peace with the divine. I wasn't at peace anywhere. And so with this inner work, and I call it like coming home to yourself, I I have this relationship where I hope you guys like me. It would be cool if you did, But at the end of the day, I don't give it. And I used to really really care so bad. Um in that inner I'm enough. I'm not perfect at all, but I'm enough that attracted this depth of relationship with this man where I can open my heart all the way. Like my best friend died when I was sixteen and I shot my heart and I thought, you know, I'm never gonna be shocked like that again. When I looked in his eyes, I could open all the way. I'm like, it's okay if you die first, Okay if I die first. I'm not going to close my heart again. And I know it's because of the inner work that I've done with this intimacy that I'm talking about, where even if I'm rejected, like he dies, even if he leaves me, I know I'm okay, and it seems to attract really rich ideals. I don't believe in like one solely. I think there's like probably quite a few people that would be an ideal match. You'll be able to attract someone that's for you. And this is another thing I want you guys to get, and you probably get this, but if you don't or the listeners don't. I used to think we only want a partner that's all good and for us, and everything's a contribution, and we you know, if it's if there's something about them that doesn't oracle, then they must not be the one. Here's the deal. We all have a purpose. We all have a mission vision purpose, right, our partner will equally challenge and support us for our mission envision. That's how you know it's an ideal person for you. No one is perfect. No one is going to not challenge you. But do they challenge you in a way that brings out the best in you or the worst in you? Do you want somebody that challenges you to be more of who you are, not undermined you and pulls you down? Did that make sense? Well, so you say that every person has multiple people out there for them. What are your thoughts on polyamory then, because this is something that I've talked to Vanessa and Jared about maybe in brief before. I'm just curious, like, what are the thoughts because it's like pretty widely accepted as taboo in a sense. Well, if you, if you, if we get to know each other over time and you read anything that I do, I have like no judgment. I have clients that are all sorts of different you know, desires for sexuality or same sex partners, etcetera. I'm all about getting somebody to their truth, and not everybody's wired the same. Some people are wired more for monogamy, some people are wired polyamory, some people are wired more for same sex. Everybody's wired for something different. It's not about what's the right or wrong, good or bad. It's like to answer you and are you willing to be brave enough to live it? That's more what I would say. So if you are interested in many partners, then be authentic, tell the truth, don't lead people on um, but be who you are. Oh yes, I want to highlight that, be authentic and be honest about it. So I want to ask Dean this um, were you into monogamy before moving out to Los Angeles. What are you saying I'm not into monogamy now? Well, no, what we have this is I posted something last time and you're like, oh not, We're not supposed to be monogamous beings. And I was like, yeah, well so was it something that are you now aware of that? Of how you feel because of being in Los Angeles? Because I tried dating out here and and a lot of people that I was interested in did not believe in monogamy. I don't think it's the proximity of being in Los Angeles that has made me question things. It's just I think it is my therapist that told me this is. You know, I've been in many unsuccessful monogamous relationships, and you guys, well, why don't you try other types of relationships, suggesting like polyamory is one of them. I'm like, well, that's weird to me. But the only reason I think it's weird is because society is we think it's weird. But it's like, you're a move the marriage and religious and practical aspect of being in a relationship, and it's like, well, what do you have? You have a lot of polyamorous people or you know, you look back, I we I we watched that Netflix show UM explained to whatever it is on on monogamy, and it's like you look at bonobo's or or chimpanzees, which are like the closest relatives of humans, and how they are all polyamorous, UM and how it just is very natural for them, and it's just like, well, now, the only reason that we are monogamous is because marriage tells us to be that way, religion tells us to be that way, or just a society even if you're neither religious or I don't know, Yeah, I think it's a combination of both. And um Alanta, you mentioned this too. If you're wired to want to be monogamous, then everything else doesn't make sense. Like for me, I believe in monogamy. Strong they believe in monogamy. I don't know if it's my upbringing or if it's my traditional family, um, or it's just the way that I am wired. But I yeah, yeah, I've I've thought about him, like even the idea of a threesome for me, I can do. Oh, I'm not surprised you've never had a threesome. I'm way too, like sexually repressed. I'm very prude when it comes to Okay, this is that's your homework. And so I talked to you again. Sounds pretty exciting. Wait me, you and who should reinviting? We'll mark and Eastern I will spoken for Sorry, I'm very busy. I'm busy that we can really bad for me. Well, there's something about what we repressed, what we resist, it grows. And so even if just in your mind's eye and you don't actually do it physically, I still challenge you to do it. Um. I also challenge you to read Text at Dawn if you have and already, because it explores more about this idea of polyamory or monogamy. Um. Whatever you resist will persist. So I say go there in your fantasy so that you can get rid of any taboos of yourself. You can't get closer to what's true for you. And remember there's always going to be equal support and challenge with any relationship, monogamous or polyannorous. Casey, there's no green card, there's no hall path here. You're not going to get out of life without challenge or pain. So like, lean in and and face it and choose something that really works for you, and and one of those things I would give any of the listeners that are in a relationship. I always say to my boyfriend like I will never cheat, I never change you, and I will always be the woman that you would leave me for, and I challenge you to be the man I would leave you for. So I'm choosing on round three here not to get married again because I don't think the institution is terribly supportive. But I love being in a monogamous relationship where we challenge each other to one be the person that we would leave each other for, and to valunge them to be their best self and not have any control. And they're not a possession. Whatever we try to possess, we push away faster than anything. So I don't possess him and I'm not his possession. We choose to be together, and it's hot um in the minute we start to think each other is the source of our worthiness or our our happiness. I do want to talk to you guys about a couple of things, and one of those things is story Worth, which is a company that I just learned about. Eastan just learned about it as well, Vanessa. I don't know if you've heard about it or not. But what story worth is is a fun and easy way for you and your loved ones to share their stories with weekly emailed story prompts and questions you've never really thought to ask. And so the reason I love story works so much is because my family is really weird and we've done a lot of weird things separately in our lives, and whenever we come together, which isn't very often, we'll share those weird stories, those weird, ridiculous stories. But what story worth allows is you don't have to always be together in order to fully understand and what's happening in your siblings life. Of course, you know you're having phone calls and texting them throughout the weeks, the months, whatever it is, but there are so there's like some distinct stories that I just think are worth like sharing with with your siblings and having a keepsake and having it around forever. Like my brother, for instance, my second oldest brother, who I talked to maybe like once every six months. I love him to death. He's just like an off the grid kind of guy. Um, that's just how he prefers it. And whenever we get together he'll like tell me a story of how over the past six months he was like camping in the in the um mountains of Yellowstone, and he was like encountered a family of grizzly bears and how he had to like outrun them, and they were chasing him, and he like up a tree, and then they obviously can climb trees, so they climb the tree. I swear this is a real story. He said he was running and then the bears like ran to his camp to try and eat some of his food, and like like slapped a bear on the butt. And I don't know if I believe that he slapped the bear on the butt, but the fact is it's a it's a hilarious story that now, thanks to story Worth, we can have that memorialized forever, along with a lot of the other ones too. Like obviously, a lot of the stories that I share are kind of ridiculous, and I don't necessarily see the point in keeping them. But what's great is my siblings will be able to refer back to them long after I'm dead, which is probably gonna happen sooner rather than later. Um, And that's what you can do too, So so what story Worth does is or what you can do a story worth is you purchase a subscription for someone you love and each week they'll send them an email with questions about their life. It's it's simple. You basically reply to the email. You can record it over the phone by calling the story Worth number. All the stories are private and only shared with the family that you choose, and after a year, those stories will be bound into a beautiful keepsake book. And so it's cool. Every year you can just kind of have a new book about the past stories of the year, right, And so it's like you can look back in ten twenty years when you have a family and when you have these family reunions, whether it's Thanksgiving, whether it's Christmas, whatever it is, you can look back and look, oh, in two eighteen ross, remember you slap that bear on the button and yellow still And they'll be like, yeah, I mean, I don't know how long I would have been sounding like in twenty years from now. But that what's so cool about it. So I you've got a story worth dot com slash help our listeners will get twenty dollars off their subscription, and that's great because these memories are yours and your family members, your friends, and they will last forever thanks the story Worth. Even if you like have the foresight to write down all these great stories, and I know you have an insane amount, Like it's so much cooler to be able to hand someone like a real like a book that you can hold in your hands, that like tactile energy as opposed to like emailing someone a word document or something like. That's what I really like about this is like if I have some crazy story that I am prompted to write, but from from story Worth, like for example, they send out these questions like, um uh, what are your favorite movies? What do people get wrong about you? Uh? What's your secret? That's that's a that's a story in itself. Um. Then I can just hand someone a book and be like, hey, check this out. You'll learn everything about What's great about it too, is I don't know. I'm sure you have a direct experience with this as as most people do. Is as stories get told throughout the years. Every time that story gets told, like a minor detail changes and then at the time that story has changed, it goes from a family of two small black bears to a pack of stumbling grizzly bearries or floaming at the mouth like that kind of thing. And so it's great about story where it is it kind of maintains accuracy of the story. It keeps you honest. And I'm guilty of that. I tend to embellish stories for the sake of dramatics, et cetera. I have friends who are even worse at it than I am. And so what's great with story worth is is, like I said, it's all written down. You can hand them the book, you can you can keep those books on the shelf, um keep obviously the online you are l as well. So basically you'll have access to stories at any time. And it's just a beautiful thing because it's like, obviously we all get this sentimental feeling whenever we share the stories that we share sitting around a campfire or or just around a dinner table, whatever it is, and this is a great way to kind of keep them around forever and ever. So again, go to story worth dot com slash help and you'll get twenty dollars off when you subscribe, and like I said, they're gonna email you guys weekly. You can obviously, like a sign who you want to get emails all that kind of stuff. Um, And it's just a great way to keep in touch. It's a great way to like open different avenues of conversations that you never really would have before with siblings, with family members, whoever. It is, um, So check it out. I'll give you the the the you r a one more time at story worth dot com. Slash help that's h E l P for twenty dollars off your subscription. Check it out. And like I said, I wanted to talk about two things while I'm just rambling on over here. Sometimes I get sick of just hearing myself talk. You have a lovely voice, though it's a lot of fun. I'm a little congested today, that's okay, and that's wrong with that? Yeah, okay, well, thank you. Something that I think that Ashley I Connetie would maybe be better at discussing is this is Hers. Have you heard of Hers? So? Hers is a woman's wellness brand delivering prescriptions straight to your door. And what's great about that is like, look, obviously it's a woman's prescription or it's a woman's wellness brand, so I'm not going to be using it directly, But what I love about it is obviously we're living in in a day and age of basically having things onto man delivered straight to our door. But one of those things it's hard to get delivered your doors prescription medication. And one thing that's so important about skincare especially is that prescription medic prescriptions can care so much better than marketing or just like off the shelves can care. Otherwise, you're paying for the people that spend the most money on our marketing versus paying for the thing that your skin actually needs. And so it's great about Hers and what I what I love about Her is even though again I'm not I'm not using it because it's a woman's wellness brands, what's great about it is they are a prescription skincare brand that delivers straight to your door. So it's not about you needing to change something about your face. It's about finally receiving products that address your needs like acne, sunspots, uneven skin texture, and large pores scars. These are all concerns that can be addressed with science, and Hers addresses that science products with active ingredients found at a dermatologists office. My wife is super into skincare. UM. It's one of her great passions and uh, I know nothing about it, um, And uh she always says like if you're if you're not using like science based prescription skiing care products, and like it's it's almost like not worth doing. She taught me the difference between chemical and physical sunscreen. That's a very important important thing to worry about, especially here in southern California where we have no ozone layer and skin cancer is rampant. Uh So the thing I like about Hers is it takes all the guesswork out of it. It really helps you. Um. First of all, comes right to your door, like you said, which is super convenient, but it also helps you pick out what's right for you. That's beautiful. It's wonderful helping people around the world. And so right now our listeners Eastern and Vanessa can get a trial month of the customized acne kit from Hers for off right now while supplies last. See the website for full details. But this would cost hundreds if you went to a doctor's office or a pharmacy. And obviously it's it's it's the day and age where convenience and price are very important to people and Hers has kind of tackled both of the issues. For Hers dot com slash Dean twenty and you'll get off you're very first customized acne kit from Hers. Check it out, let us know what you think. Again, prescription based skin care products significantly better than off the shelf You're if you're struggling with acne anything like that. I wish Hers was around when I was sixteen, because I, as most teenagers do, struggle with acne so bad. Um That's part of why I just like I've kind of adopted a whole holistic approach. But Hers has been proven to work. I know Ashley loves her. She talks about it all the time, even like Gared will come in and talk about Ashley using her Hers and how she's got her prescription deliver to the house and all that kind of stuff. And I know actually struggles even to this day with with her acne and stuff, and so when she has a breakout, it's nice for her to be able to um have the Hers prescription deliver straight to the house. So check it out for Hers dot com, slash dean off your very first subscription and have clean skin for the holidays. I feel like it's a pretty strong statement to be the person we'd leave each other for. Mh. Doesn't that just row you up? Yeah? But that means you would be your best self all the time. You wouldn't take them for granted, you wouldn't um arrest on your laurel. You would be your most authentic self. And thus the other person is so inspired by you being your most authentic self. And if your most authentic self is not a match, release them, let them go be with their most ideal Matt, You're you're You're worth your safety or security. Your approval is not based on their on them, that's unhealthy. It needs to be based on the inside. That's when you're centered. And we've discussed that quite a bit in the past because we'll have like listeners email in and have questions about their relationship, and quite often we'll see this codependence that is like very unhealthy and it sounds like that's kind of what your anti You know, you don't want to have. You want to maybe to a certain degree, you want to have the codependence, but you want to be able to exist outside of that partner of yours. Yeah, you want to be healthy in all eight areas of your life. And you know what, I just realized it's eleven fifty one and I have my client it from the Netherlands, like right now, so I need to go. Well, thank you for calling. And we appreciate all of the words of wisdom that you had to impart on us. Thank you. Thank you so much more. And I'd like to hear how your challenges go. We'll go back with you later on. All right, much love to you both. Thank you. She didn't really have much to say in the terms of sex, which I was expecting intimacy could be more right, exactly intimacy she she meant more like connecting and being vulnerable and and and I thought it was going to be more sexy. Wi. I feel like she's like on a path to enlightenment almost. You see things like, uh, release attachment, intimacy with self, tell the truth. I feel like those are all necessary steps like on your path to enlightenment in my eyes. So, Dean, we keep talking about like people I'm dating, the people that I'm not dating, the people that screw me over and all that. What's going on in your love life? Yeah, I have no idea. I kind of like that you don't have an idea, but this is a podcast on relationships. Yes, I think it's it's been known that I'm dating, I'm going on dates with people. Okay, it's going okay. So are you going on dates with people? Um, because you're you want to be in a relationship or you're going on dates with people because you're like I want to flirt and I want to be intimate. Not intimate in terms of sexy times, like intimate in terms of connecting with someone. Um, I think that you can achieve a level of closeness with someone only by going on dates with them, Like you can't achieve a certain level of closes with like close guy friends, you know, because like there's just like certain limits barriers set to two places you can get with them. I guess. So, um, yeah, I've been going on dates. I October is always a tough month for me. It's funny, this is something I experienced last weekend. Um, so October is the anniversary of my mother passing, and I always get like closed off and all sal and like dismissive of people. Yeah, and so like this year, I've like I've been going on a few dates with this one girl consistently, like once a week or whatever it is, um, And I made her very aware of this. I'm like, look like this is a tough time for me, um, just so you know what, I'm gonna be closed off, I'm gonna be like probably hard to talk to, blah blah blah. And she's been like super supportive, like even like surprised me with like a few gifts that would like remind me of my mother and like all that kind of stuff, very thoughtful, very kind of very and then like the other like, Okay, a couple of days ago, I was like being short and hard to talk to, and then she got really upset with me because of that, and I was like, well, you can't get upset with me, because, like I told you, like this is something that you should be expecting, Like this is a difficult time for me. I'm being like who I am every like the truest, truest self that I can be, and like I'm sorry if you don't like it. If you don't like it, like you can leave. I don't want you to leave, but like I also don't feel like you should be attacking me because not attacking me, but like getting upset with me because but I also feel like women are extremely patient to begin with, and then we're nurturing beings and we want to be there for the people that we love and that we care for. Um, do you think maybe like I dated someone who did absolutely nothing for my birthday and sent me like the most generic text message, and other exs of mine were like sending me flowers and saying, hey, let's grab dinner, like you're never in town, I want to see you. And and so I told this person, I feel like you're romantically lazy and you're used and he's like, well, I'm just not good at this stuff. And I'm like, well, you're using that as an excuse. You're saying I'm not good at that. But instead of saying, instead of acknowledging that you're not great at it and that you want to be better at it, I don't want to have to deal with like, oh, well, you know what, I'm not going to expect anything, or I'm right. It's he's setting the barlow, like Being was talking about earlier when what I was going to interrupt Atlanta when she was talking to but I decided not to. Is one of the best things about not dating anyone is the fact that you're never going to disappoint anyone. And I feel like that's one of the things that I'm dealing with, is like, if I'm not dating anyone, then I'm not gonna no one's gonna be disappointed in me, because I typically tend to disappoint people that I didn't start dating at some point to some degree, you know, And if I don't have a significant other, do you think it's because, um, were you always as open in communicating. You're getting better at it, right, right, So maybe that's why the disappointment was there, because you weren't aware of how you were feeling and then not being able to communicate. Because girls like I romanticize relationships and you know, if you're giving me the signs that are like, oh, I really like her, and then you do something that proves to me that you don't like me, it's it gets me so confused. So does that make sense? Yeah, it kind of does. I mean, I guess I'll let you I'll give you, guys, some more insight into this dating relationship that I've been in for the past couple of weeks or so months whatever. It is, again very casual dating, but we've assigned a word, a safe word of sorts where I am a person that very much depends on my alone time, like I like to be alone as not as often as I can be, but I have a very limited amount of social energy. And we assigned this word. The word is spatula. And if something comes up and she's like, hey, like I want to hang out with you, and I I don't, like say spatula and ship and that's the word saying like, it's not that I don't want to hang out with you, it's just I need to be by myself and be alone right now. And that's something that I never would have communicated before. Before I would be like, yeah, like let's hang out, and then I would be like absent from the conversation or absent from hanging out, you know what I mean. Um, And so that's that's something that I've been working on as well. But then that like leads to again more disappoint where it's like, hey, like let's hang out, and I was like, it's batchel, Like I don't really feel like hanging out. Is there a quota where you can say spatchelor like maybe five times in the week. Initially, we set limitations like, Okay, we'll only see each other once a week maximum, Like we want see each other more than once a week. Now it's like we'll see each other twice a week every once in a while, and it's like obviously, like expectations begin to grow and higher expectations get the or there is room for being like a lot of patients required dating a Danunglert. Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine. If I had a daughter, I would tell her to say, I appreciate that you're honest about that. I appreciate that you're aware of it right, but honestly, you can only get you so far to the point where you're I'm still going to disappoint someone at some point. I always say this, be careful who you hang out with, because you might just end up with them. So you might just casually be hanging out like I was casually hanging out with someone, and then obviously I started growing feelings for the person because you start being more intimate, and um, you start opening up and you start connecting on different levels. But deep down I'm like, no, this is I know this is not my person. And then you start developing these ideas of the future and all that. So I always say, I be open to dating, but also be careful with the people that you let in because you might just end up with them. Back to the guy you were dating who did the bad birthday message, did at least make the balloons show up? Nothing? Nothing right, I'm like, just said me a lollipop that says, hey, suck on this, like that's the thing, and him saying I'm not good at that stuff. It's all about effort, right, Like if he had done something and you hated it, that's when you can say, well, I'm not good about that, but you would have appreciated because effort into it. What he was saying is I don't want to do that stuff for you. Challenging from his perspective, though, say he does go out of his way to do something, I'm gonna start thinking, oh, there's something more right. I thought about that too, I'm like, all right, cool, But then like kept calling me all day, and I was with my like calling me FaceTime and calling and FaceTime, and I'm like, hey, I'm with my family right now, where my sister and my brother all born in September, so we're all celebrating together. And then I get home, all right. I get home and there's a package waiting from in front of my door, and I'm like, yeah, and it's my best friend that sent me, that sent me efforts. So he was trying to FaceTime you. He was facetiming and that was his big birthday, right, maybe he had a surprise waiting for you on his end of the Nope, I answered FaceTime, and then I was like, Nope, nothing there. Indeed, I worry that this is all a self fulfilling prophecy for you. Like I feel like if you went into a relationship without that in your head that I'm going to disappoint this person. I know it's easier said than done, then you wouldn't disappoint this person. Like I feel like you're disappointed because you tell yourself you're going to But it's also you might just be dating the wrong people. But also, let's think about it this way, guys. Let's say I go into a prospective relationship all odds against it, right, and somehow it still manages to break through all these filters and turns out to be something that I can say, against all odds, this relationship worked out, which means it must be something that's good, you know, against all these negatives against no matter how low I set the bar, no matter how honest I am about all of my shortcomings, whatever it is, here we are. We're still in We're in a relationship. And because of all of the like, you've seen me at my worst and so now we get to grow together. I get that. I don't know. I'm not saying it's right, but I just want to say, I'm so proud of you for being self aware, being open about you know, doing therapy and being open about the being open about how you feel and and all those things with a person that you're dating. Every girl wants that. It's very refreshing. And it's kind of weird too, because, uh, it's only happened maybe recently over the past, like how long I've been single for six months where I'm like, look, this is who I am. I don't necessarily care if you want to keep dating me or not. This is just like who I am, and this is what you would be dealing with on a regular basis, Like if we were to continue hanging out when before like three or four years ago, I would like, like you said, it's like an audition process. We're like, oh, here I am. I am this person and drive this car and I make this much money. And I'm like, no, I'm unemployed. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. Like this is me just just you know, take me or leave me kind of thing. And more often than not, as I've experienced, it's been like it works out better. It's like welcome, welcomed with open arms. Well, that's like, yeah, it's part of it that you've are you a guy? That's you strike me as a guy who has not had trouble finding women who want to date him? Is that accurate? Come on, Dean, we all want to date you. I don't know. I don't know how to answer that question. No, he's being humble. Yes, women flocked to him, That's what I'm saying. And I'm wondering if part of it is that, Like I wonder if you would be more um less attractive. No, No, I wonder that if if in a relationship, you would be more all in if it was less of a commodity, it was less, it was less, if it was a less common situation. I'm like, oh, because he knows there's other options. Yeah, because always going to be other options where a guy like me and I'm going to include East and this as well. When we back when we were single and a woman was interested spending time with us, Like holy, that's the greatest thing ever. I'm going to move heaven and earth to make sure she's always happy and never wants to go anywhere else. There's something to be said about I'm not gonna say you guys are obviously years old, but before right, it's very different. Thing has changed in the last seven five that's true, very less connected, right, So only people you really knew was like the small area that you were growing up in, the eight people that were close within your proximity. But now it's like you're connected to everyone in the world. I'm not going to say that's the reason behind anything. I'm just saying there is also it's like a paradox in a sense. It's like the more people you know, the more challenging those things become. I don't think that's necessarily what afflicts me. It might to a degree that I don't necessarily understand, but like I don't know, I I'm just waiting for that relationship to come along where it's like I don't care about anything else. Okay, so now you got me thinking Mark, I should go for a guy no social media that basically is like, this is the only girl that ever gave me attention. Well, he will treat you really well. I'll tell you that I did that, and I know that woman has to find a judge in an attorney to leave me. I mean slide into my dams. Guys, I'm open. What's that mean where it's like the first guy who thought of marriage was a weirdo. He's like, I love you so much. I want to get the government involved. I don't know. I mean maybe maybe not, but that's it seems to me that there's that Dean is. Look, Dean is a great looking guy. I don't mind telling you that. And I'm a guy that I missed that a lot of times, Like people will say to me that guy so hot of like really that guy like didn't even occur to me. Dean the first thing we have, like, look at that guy, and I will say a lot better looking in person? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do. You have a presence and it's like it's striking if I keep going, I know how uncomfortable you Again, when people give you compliments. I just can't imagine what that's like. And so I wonder if it changes you out like on the whole world and and by the way, same with beautiful women, same kind of thing. The thing is, do you realize that you're like, do you realize because you say, like I mentioned all my shortcomings and I talk about how this and that. Do you realize all the qualities that you do have? And do you own that? I think those negative qualities are also my positive qualities. You know. It's like when you're in job interview, they're like, tell me your strengths. You're like, oh, I work too hard, I care too much. It's like, your shortcomings are also your strengths. Okay, so let's do this. If my willingness and openness to like identify my faults also, I think is good because without identifying them, you're not able to work on. That's good. It's good to be aware of those things. But also I don't think you're aware of your positive quality as much as you should. I want to talk about two more things before we jump into the final spot. The final segment of the this week's episode, and thank you so much for it for tuning in and listening up till now. We've talked about it before, I want to talk about it again. And they're fantastic. Like like we said before, they're a DNA kit that gets sent to your house, You spit in a tube, you send it back, and they analyze all types of of your DNA and basically tell you where you're from, what you might be susceptible to in terms of potential illnesses, things about your your sleeping patterns, your ear lobes, everything you can possibly imagine. Twenty three and me is able to diagnose what's the word I'm looking for, is able to kind of unearthed a lot of things about ourselves that we didn't know before. And so I've used twenty three and me actually used it years and years, like two or three years ago, and they delivered the kit I got, like the health kit, so I wanted to know more about my ancestry, like where I was specifically where I was from. But then you can also upgrade and like understand maybe like some health risks that you might have. So I got that one as well, and I remember I um, I spit into the tube and I just I didn't read the directions properly. I was so excited to open my twenty three and met quit and get it sent back and get my results that I didn't read the directions and I closed the tube and I like peeled the box apart and like totally ripped it in a half. And they're like, yeah, reuse this box and send it back to us, and I was like, no, crap, UM, but I I messed the tube part up where once you put your saliva in the tube, you have to um seal it and you can't reopen it. And I contacted them and literally with the very next day, they sent me a whole new box, whole new tube everything. I was devastated. I was like, I don't want to wait any longer to get these results. But literally the best customer service that they got me a box literally that very next day. UM, Like I said, it's easy to do. You You just spit into the tube that they send you and your twenty three and me kit, register your sample to your personal three and me account, and then if you weeks, you receive your personalized online reports. I remember I was actually traveling through UM somewhere in Europe when I got him back, and I was like just sat down. So it was fun because I was like, I'm from a lot of European countries and so I was like, oh, that's I've been there, I've been there, blah blah blah um. And it was just fun to like sit in and like kind of deep dive into everything that they're able to tell you about yourself. So, um, you have a friend who is adopted and she I gave her twenty three and me kit as a gift because she's like, oh, I don't know my my background everything. Not only did it tell her what her genetic makeup was, it told her who her birth family is. Really yes, she and she was able to get in touch with them and they met up and she has this this loving new part of her family now, these people she's never known but she's related to. And uh, it was really a like huge deal and a huge part of her life to to do this something she really thought was just gonna be like, oh, I'm twenty eight percent Cherokee and things like that. And I thought that it was pretty amazing that I can do that kind of a humble brag for yourself, because that's you basically to her that right, did I did. She thanks me for changing her entire life that gift. And so for the listeners out there, if you want to potentially change one of your friends life, feel free to jump one and me dot com slash Dean and you get off of your twenty three kit. This is through Christmas, so this is a huge holiday gift idea. Fantastic gift idea through December twenty five off. Imagine someone opening their gift to the morning of Christmas, toy three and me kit and their life being changed forever, just like Easton changed his friend's life. Incredible, What an incredible gift. Some traits that they can also identify, like cilantro, taste, diversion, ability to match musical pitch, miss aphonia, which is oh yeah, that's interesting. It's like what noises people like and what like because some people some people hate the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, like hate it. I find it quite soothing. I enjoy that sound. Uh, just like I enjoy cilantro. These are all things that your genetics makeup and determine about you. Interesting. One of my friends, I think I talked about this before. He works at the next company. He goes, yeah, twenty three and me. They're legit. They provide a lot of interesting information. It's it's like fun stuff too, which is like maybe even better than the like super great informational stuff. It's fun to learn about these weird things like your mosquito bite frequency or or like Eastern was talking about the misophonia that that you experience that you're unaware of, because it's like if you don't go around identifying these things, you're kind of just like, oh, this is how it is, this is what it is. But then if someone's telling you or something is telling you, like, no, this is the thing that your genetics make up the way that you feel about this, which is a really interesting thing. So check it out twenty three and me dot com slash Dean and you get thirty percent off of your your kit order for the holidays. They also have a great podcast on iHeart Radio. It's called Spit. They talked to a lot of great people. They kind of like deep dive into a lot of very historic figures and kind of their genetic history and all that kind of stuff. So check out Spit as well on the I Heart Radio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. Okay, So one thing that I want to talk about before we we jump into our final segment as well. It's something that's near and dear to my heart, and that's Third Love. And they're near and near to my heart, not just because they're helping sponsor this podcast, which without them obviously it's we can't have the podcast, but because they're helping women everywhere. Did you know that over ten million women have taken this quiz to date? Eastern? I did not know that. And what quiz would that be? Dean? Did you know that fifty of women fall in between standard cup sizes? Eastern? Oh, I did not know that. It's actually fun to take this test too. So what you do is you can jump online. You can answer it just a few simple questions to find your perfect fit. They have everything cups A through H and bands all the way up to forty eight, So any any size human will be able to fit into these Third Love bras. And like I said, of all women fall in between standard cup sizes, and so Third Love decided to invent this half cup sizing, and I think that can make a big difference. Obviously, I'm not gonna be wearing them regularly but I've I've heard Vanessa rave about it. Um and Vanessa, please stay quiet while I finished this spot. I know you want to chirp in and and and and talk about your Third Love bra, but I just want to talk about it because again I'm feeling passionate about it today. I know you you've been raving NonStop about this Third Love bra. You love that there's a percent fit guarantee. You love that Third Love's team of expert fit stylists are dedicated at dedicated to helping you find your perfect fit and if you don't love their product, which you will, returns and exchange are free and easy. So what you should do as the listener if you're if you're interested in pursuing UH and acquiring a bra that's gonna be comfortable and fits you properly as it should, go to third love dot com slash Vanessa and Vanessa please stay quiet. I know you're trying to chirm in chirp in some more, but Third love dot com slash Vanessa now to find your perfect fitting bra and get fifteen percent off your very first purchase. That's third Love dot Com slash v A N E. S S A or fifteen percent off, and I'm gonna spell third Love because it's not three r D, it's t h I r D l o v E dot com slash Vanessa. Third Love knows there's a perfect bra for everyone, So right now they're offering all of you guys off your very first order and back to before. It's great to get presents for other people for holidays, for Christmas, for for Thanksgiving, but get something for yourself, get yourself a properly fitting bra. I mean I've definitely written some down, Like I have like three that I wrote down. I was like, oh, I love how open minded I am. I love how accepting I am. Like that, what would make you a great partner? And then I'll do the same. I'll do this exercise exercise do you want me to start? To do with physical do you want me to start? I'm sure. I'm like, I got a list of things that I know would make me a great part I don't know, I just turned sudden there, but okay, I'm extremely loyal, um extremely like to the point where if a guy will like talk to me at a bar and I will not even give them the time of day, I'm like, Nope, got a man like I'm not even going to give my my energy another human another man right now. Very loyal, um, very affectionate, and that's one of my biggest love languages, Like I love to just like physical touch for me is very big. Um. I'm very thoughtful. If I'm at the grocery store somewhere and I see something like a banana or whatever. You know, if I know my man loves chocolate chip cookies, I'll go to the chocolate chip cookies aisle and I'll buy him a box with like and I'll leave a little note there. Um Um I am. I respect people's space. I'm not like, let's hang out five hundred hours in a day. I like to do my own thing, and I like coming together when we both have the time to dedicate to the relationship and actually be present. Um. Very encouraging. So whatever my significant other is doing in terms of his workers career, I will be there to cheerly him one support him on. If he's like, um, you know, an aspiring writer and right now he doesn't have, like his book is not anything. I will be like if that's what makes you happy, and that's what makes you smile. Um in the morning, when you wake up, then I will encourage you to do that. Um, I cook, I clean, I'm great in bed. I mean, let's just keeps going on and on. Let's expand upon the I'm great. I'm not. And I'm really shocked that you said that you're prude in bed. We're going to get back to that. Yeah, I'm not. And the thing is like, I don't listen, I don't sleep around. Um and and people who could have those casual relationships, that's great if you're able to do that. And like Alana was, Alana was saying, Uh, some people are wired to be monogamous. I'm wired to be monogamous, and I will only be intimate with people that i'm in um a relationship with or that it's leading to being in a relationship with some very selective with the people that I get intimate with. So what makes a person great in bed? Yeah? What makes a person I think, Um, no, you don't need to be hot. I think it's confidence, confidence in knowing what your body needs, as opposed to like, oh let me try doing this because I think it's going to please that guy. Like everybody's made differently, and I think it comes down to being comfortable with knowing what it is that you want uh in bed and you know, um, not self conscious, I know that, not self conscious? Yeah yeah, Like of course there's certain things about my body. I'm like, oh, I wish I had I wish I had that like sully light on my ass. But I'm like, you know what, I got a bubble butt and I'm gonna have some sullly light on my ass. And that comes with the territory. But that's who you are, and if they're they're they're enjoying you for who you are, so you shouldn't be there's too much of that. There's too much self consciousness. In my opinion. We are who we are. But what good? What means? What makes you a dynamo in the sex? But I forget what the word is positions? No, I wouldn't even say. I think it's I think it's what's that word like ex adventurous, adventurous? Um, But like I'm I'm I forget there's like a specific word like, yes, you're also a freak in the streets to you know that right now? I'm not, so what is it the same list? Because it might be what makes a guy grade in bad, great question, mark, Um, well for me, so it might be different for other women. Um, feeling a form of connection, so not like being robotic like my you know, like now I can please myself. So what's the connection? Is that eye contact? Not even eye contact? I think it's like for me, it's like physical touched and like not going straight from yeating. Oh yeah, Fess's left shoulder. Oh it's actually there's like a not there, um, not going from like if it's if it goes from making out to like straight you know, town to be a steady build, right, I mean, okay, well let's let's put the pressure off of me. Okay, so you're you're you're a fan of four Players. What you're saying, that's what that's what you're saying in less words. I feel like, perhaps, okay, there you have it, the key to Vanessa's art. No, it's food actually food and four player. Yeah, definitely bring me food before time. Oh god, yes, that's I felt episode where he eats and then every time he gets all hot and heavy. That's pretty funny. Is any of us even going to get on? Uh? D yes, you say you're a prude when it comes to that stuff. You said threesome. No way. I mean, don't get me wrong. I went to college. Okay, wait, so you did have a three song. I've had one threesome in my life? How did that go? With the major side? I it was? I mean I've only had one, so it didn't go well enough to have a was it was someone that you were dating seriously? Or is it two women or men? Want I kind of got pressured into it. It was a situation where they're like, hey, you need to do this, and I was like, all right, well, let's throw some back and do this. I guess I don't really want to get into the semantics of how it happened, but more of the stories, I've had one and only one, and college college was a thing. That would not do that again. I have not done it. No, it's not the question you're saying, you would not do that again. I've been propositioned multiple times. This is what I'm saying. The life of Dean is so unrelatable to man. He's turning down threesomes left and right down and I was like, oh, hey, let's have it through something. Sorry not into it. It's just it's I can barely if even satisfy one person at a time, and so now you throw a second person in there. Come on, Dean, stop at least? Yeah No, okay, well let's go back to what would make you a great partner? Uh yeah, so we got a lift from Vanessa when I mean, let's in my list and I could keep going. Um, I think I'm fun and adventurous. Fun was a good one for me too. You're not fun. You can't steal my Um. I think I'm open minded. I think that I similar to you. I'm very supportive and encouraging of people's passions and dreams. And I think that I will always lift someone up and always be that person to do that for them. Um. What else? I think that I'm a great cuddler. I think that is So what are what's your top love language? Well, actually, Tonya funny enough that she's back there made it clear to me that it used to be physical touch, but now I think that it's acts of service. I love it when, um, like I get my back scratched or my neck scratched or something like that. Well, I guess a little bit of both, right, But I always chalked it up as being physical touch. But I think She made it clear that's it's more of like an active service. UM, and I'm a simple guy, you know, that's all I really need and some alone time. I don't know, that's the thing. Like I said, obviously, I'm figuring out exactly what makes me a great partner. But I think those qualities, like at least at the forefront, are enticing. Well, I would add to that, I think you're very kind person. Sure, I think you're funny, and I think a lot of people put a lot of value in sense of humor, and I think you're very funny, and I think you have a good heart and that probably goes along with kindness. But just knowing you for an hour a week for a year now, you just seem to me like a person with a good heart. And I think in some ways that's kind of all that matters. Yeah, you know, you just need to be somebody who's got a good heart, and then the rest kind of falls into place. I suppose. I guess I could just see where you're coming from. I don't know. I remember UM went before like Leslie and I started being boyfriend girlfriends. She made a comment that was like everyone that I've ever met that has met you, like adores you and like because of that, Like I find that so attractive and so it's like it's the fact that you can have like a maybe like a big circle of people like enjoy being around you. Attractive, Yeah, you have great energy. So those are the good reasons. Now let me get into the batter kidding. I think those good reasons out weigh the bad reasons. I do. And I know that you think you're a lot, and maybe you're You're very you're very extra, and maybe you are. But I think that all those good reasons cancel out the other reason absolutely, because I think that's what people are looking for, fun adventures, and I think kind you need to focus on the good, those great qualities because that's what you bring into a relationship. Yeah yeah, yeah, but to offset those next right, but we all do. I mean, trust me, did you see how proud I wasn't my list of the good things? I got it like probably two pages of things that like that's the thing is, you were singing from the mountaintop beings like, well, I guess I'm fun and I guess I'm adventurous. I don't normally compliment myself, so it's a difficult thing for me to do, you know. Yeah, And I like that about me. I like that I'm hard on myself, you know, I think I think it just leads to more growth moving forward. But as you said, like the self deprecating stick is kind of getting old, Like get it, I've been living seven years. Oh yeah, I mean I have some friends that do the same thing as well. Um, but maybe to less avail, you know, I don't know. Um, how is your sex with Nick? Let's let's talk about that for a second. Actually, are we talking about this yesterday? We were. But I would love for you to share with the listeners. Not sharing, not sharing it, I'll share for you. I would appreciate if he listen. I've heard I've heard sex with you guys from both sides. That's one of my great friends. We talked about that stuff. Appreciate. What did he say. I'm not gonna tell you're voices cracking. Did he have nice Nick? Yes? Of course. Did he have any complaints about that about that specific hour was here? I don't know what you're talking about it, but I can't he had some complaints. It sounds like, oh he didn't he did it, He didn't I would love for you to share your EXPERI obviously I know I would never I would never kiss until you would never answer the question do you have any complaints? No, you're not gonna answer that. What's your favorite position? My goodness, this is a sex episode. Intimacy connecting dean, not connecting to private parts together. Well, maybe we should make it? Is it the shorts is seven vibe? Today? Vanessa's rocking some three inch um, Betsy? What are they called? Betty? Daisy? To hide my butt in the back? Um? I didn't say anything appropriate? Have I this episode? Not one appropriate thing? Appropriate? I have an email? Should we get to that, Tanya? What makes a man great in bed? Um? Someone that listens? Wow? Straight out of Lacey Green. It's true, though, because I think everybody has different things that they enjoy, and when a guy listens, they're going to do that. So I think that's number one. So someone who's kind of attentively listen, not just to your words necessarily, but to your reactions. Okay, all right, answer, very good answer. Yes, thanks thanks for having me on. Here's the thing with that, too, is I feel like for a girl, a girl can experience so many different kinds of sex, but a guy not so much. Because penises are vastly different from one of the next. Vaginas are only mildly different from in relative to each other. There's a very broad spectrum of penis shapes, sizes, whatever vagina is. More or less, women can experience different types of pleasures no pleasure, okay men, if I correct me, if I'm wrong, Is it the same feeling every time? That's what I'm saying more or less yes, because right, So for women we can experience it's a it's a variation of like, well, that's literally exactly what I just said, but I didn't say. You were just talking about different size of I'm just a man. A male's response and equipment, Well, his response is always the same, even though his equipment is different. And then a woman's equipment is more so the same while the response is different. So it's like duality of right, the physics, and therefore there's a different definition of great, right right, A guy's definition of great because it's going to feel the same every time, so they have other outside factors that make it great in their minds, where with women, the physical response can be anywhere from zero to a hundred exactly. That's interesting. A guy could close his eyes and get the same result every single time. Wow, that's so sad. That's that's very true. That's very true, And I think that's a major reason for some of the gender disconnect. Yes, because it feels very similar, no matter every time for the guy. And that's why I think sex gets better for women over time and for men. So do you think that's improve men don't feel as guilty when they cheat or if they cheat. Well, here's another difference between the two. And when you get to the cheating thing. Yeah, the difference is I don't want for guys. And also there's also more of I feel like, and I could be wrong, I just know it from the guy's perspective, there's more of a compulsory need for it to happen every so often, whether it's with someone or not with someone, or with someone else, as far as that goes. So that's probably a big element to it where women aren't as faithful because I feel like they can go a longer time without it. Yeah, and it's like, oh, there's a connection, there's a deeper right, and that's what they're really looking for, where guys sometimes just need to do it. Yeah it's messed up. Yeah, yeah, it's completely different. We're so different. I don't I don't know how to say. I think it's messed up. It's pretty unfair that we're put here with these different needs regularly, and then we're expected to have the same needs together. It's like, I don't know, it's a lot more. It's a lot more challenging than some people make it seem. You two, for instance, have been in very healthy, monogous relationships for a nextent period of twenty one years. For me, you're bragging that I would I admire that. Yeah, thank you. And yet here you are in studio with two of the most single, discussing and horrible people, and that's fun for me. I really am fascinated by that whole world, and especially you were talking about earlier how much has changed over the years. That's all very fascinating too, But we don't know what obviously, like we have an experience a change like this is all we're right. No, so for me, so when I when I first started somebody I've been asked before, like when you first met Amy, did you google her? And I have to say it would have been an ALTI Vista search because there was no Google. Uh so now I did not. But that's how much the world has changed, just not even dating apps. Okay, yeah, but as far as the whole research you can do on people. Now you can figure everything out about them before you even meet them and therefore write them off for no particular reason. But I'm at Elise and I went through her Twitter account and there were three tweets to go through. And that's the thing too. It's all changed so quickly and we are just still learning how to adapt and process all of it. Well, before we get to the email, remember last episode, I was like, I want to go to pursue me, And so I had gone out for dinner this week in l A. And um, someone actually did pursue me and they messaged me. They got my you know, they got my my contact info from a friend or whatever. And so I'm looking at this person's Instagram account and I was like, wow, the last time they post it was seen. That's amazing, Like it's so rare to find that nowadays. Refreshing. Yeah, Okay, I don't think that's what's I think it's just it's not a priority for him. But I think that's Paul, but it is kind of nice, like the window into someone's life through social media. It's like, Okay, I have a good understand, decent understanding this person before I get that. Now, what do you think everything you see online is real? They're gonna put up the best parts of it, maybe the best photos of themselves, right or like you know, I'm not going to put up the pictures of me crying. Actually I would sure. I want to hear an email, Yes, Sophia would like some help. My boyfriend is twenty seven. I'm twenty three. We started dating in May. We both see a future together, as this has been both of our first relationships in years doing a bad breakups. However, he's been offered a new job within his company that's twelve hours a day, five days a week, no weekends off, no holidays off. It's also more dangerous than what he currently does, and he wouldn't even get a raise. The motive to take it is because it's an accomplishment. I'm really struggling knowing I'm continuing my future with someone who won't physically be around. I come from my household with an absentee parent, and I raised my youngest siblings because I'm eight years older than they are. I would never want that for my kids, and I don't want a partner that is never around. I'm not sure if this is a red flag or if it's just life. Should I stay in this relationship? Is it wrong for me to vocalize how upset I am to him? Is this foreshadowing he would choose his job over his family? This is Sophia, that's tough. So from experience, I was in a relationship back in Colorado where I left for work every morning at six third am, got home at five pm Monday through Friday. My girlfriend worked from like ten am until nine pm, and it was like Thursday through Tuesday. And so it's a very similar thing where we never spent time to with each other and we were we were together before we both got those jobs, and so we were like used to like seeing each other often, no need for right and so like the only time like I would we would say each other's houses, like four or five nights a week. But at that time, like you get home at nine pm, you're basically going straight to bed um And I think that was ultimately what led to the downfall of that relationship, so I can definitely empathize with her. And I mean, I don't know, like if he's taking the job just for an achievement sake, I don't really know what that means. I think he's probably climbing some sort of a ladder within his organization. So it's good for him within the company to be in that spot, I guess. So. My My only bit of information or advice that I have is that I've experienced it. It did not go well. I would say, try to avoid it. If you're thinking red flag, Essa, I wouldn't say it's a red flag. Um. I don't think he's doing anything wrong. I think he's twenty seven years old, he wants to build a career. He's hustling. That's something admirable. I think there's someone for everyone, and I think every person that's put into our life makes us realize the things that we do want and the things that we don't want. And maybe she's starting to realize that she needs a guy who does have a nine to five and does come home after work and where they can spend quality time together. Um. I wouldn't say it's oh, he's not going to make time for his family. He's young, he's twenty seven years old. He's probably not even thinking of how is he going to split time between if family right now? Maybe that's not not even on his mind. Um, so yeah, I would. I would encourage him to do what is best for him, because you don't want to be the person that's like, well, I'm gonna encourage him to not take the job, and then we're you're gonna end up together and then if ever, you guys do break up. And he never ended up with that position that he wanted. You don't want any form of resentment. I did that. I was in a relationship where my X at the time was like, I don't want you taking on I was teaching so much. I was really trying to get um higher on the position on the signority list, and I was teaching during the day. Then I was teaching at night, and he's like, I don't want you teaching at night anymore because I want to spend time with you and I and I did that. I listened to him, and after we broke up, I was like, why, why why did I sacrifice all, you know, the years of going to university and I loved my job so much and at that point in that stage, that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to focus on my career. And so if that's what he needs to do, then you need to allow him and let him be him. That's actually really good advice. But I think that one of the keys here is my boyfriend and I started dating in May, five six months into this thing. Next, like, I think of what I was doing when I was five months into my current relationship and I was working. I was on the radio doing seven to midnight, which is not a very conducive shift. And if someone says, oh, I can't get a guy who works seven to midnight, No, seven pm. It was just a short hour shift, but it's in a prime time for socializing and that sort of thing. So if someone wrote me off because of that, meanwhile, I haven't done that shift in twenty something years. You know, like your life now is not going to be your life five years. He's got to pay his dues, that's what he's got to do. And by the way, you did say twelve hours and a five days a week. That's sixty hours. That's a lot, but there are two days offen there. So I think you can figure out time to spend together. I think you can make this work. If I don't even think it'sbout making it work. It's just like try it out. And like you said, you've been for five months. It's not. If it's hell, then it's hell. It's not like you're married, kids together. You give this shot and see how. But at twenty three, I wanted to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Now that I'm thirty one, I'm like, okay, let me do your thing. I'll see you when we both have time to see each other. So it's different. So I get it. It's you grow. It's different, and then you'll and hopefully Sophia, you'll grow together and this will end up being a great thing. Now you're getting some cold feet kind of early on. You're looking for excuses. That could be a bad sign there, But I think the job is okay. Let's see how it goes. Agreed. So that'll do it for this week's episode of Help I Suck at Dating. As always, thank you the listeners so much for tuning in, But I want to give one more second to thank our sponsors of the podcast, so big, big thank you. Story Worth be sure to go to story Worth dot com slash help to get twenty dollars off when you subscribe Easton, Oh. Go to Amazon dot com slash I Suck Podcast to check out Amazon Fire Tv. You can get a Fire TV of your very own at Amazon dot com slash I Suck Podcast. Big big thank you to Hers. If you need prescription skincare and you're struggling with acne, you're not gonna get going there, so go to four Hers dot com slash Dean twenty off your customized acne kit. Big things to twenty three and me We love these guys. Twenty three and me d n a kit and now through December twenty five you can get off any twenty three and me kit. Just go to twenty three and me dot com slash Dean. That's two three and me dot com slash Dean. And lastly, I would love to thank third Love for creating the comfiest half sized bras in the entire world. So again, go to third Love dot com slash Vanessa for off your entire order. Anyways, I'll do it for this episode of Help I Suck at Dating. Here it is. I'm Dean Anglert. It's been so great having Vanessa in studio for these past three episodes, and tune in next week as well, because maybe next week will suck a little bit less. Follow help buy Suck at Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcast