Get Real with Caroline HobbySHENAE GRIMES-BEECH: Getting Real About Hollywood Trauma, Redefining Success, Unrealistic Beauty Standards and More
Caroline sat down with actress and content creator, Shenae Grimes-Beech, to talk about her journey from living a normal teenage life in Canada to moving to LA on her own to star in one of the early 2000s’ biggest television series “90210.” Shenae and Caroline unravel the trauma that came along with being thrust into the spotlight as a young woman at the peak of tabloid culture. Caroline and Shenae also talk about redefining success and priorities, the beauty of motherhood and the ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ beauty standards women currently face.
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At Calne. She's a queen and talking, so she's getting really not afraid to fail episode, So just let it flow.
No one can do we quiet car Line is sounding Caroline, I'm so excited to be here, Shane rhymes beach. You are amazing you for having what a life you've had, I mean in Canada, born in Canada.
Yeah, you got a huge.
You've been acting for a long time. You got your big splash on nine O two another revamp. Yes, okay, yes, and that kind of like sent you into another world. Yes, absolutely, Yeah, you also are super scholarly. Scholarly though, because like if you weren't going to be an actor, you were going to be like super studious, right that was It's such an interesting choice, like such an interesting choice.
Of career paths. Yes, definitely.
And now you've moved to Nashville, you're kind of done with the La scene.
Eh, Yeah, I I think so, Okay, I think so. It's hard to know, right, Well, last year we definitely were on the fence. We were spending time back in a few places that we've always kind of had in the back of our heads. Oh maybe we'd want to live there?
Did you said in twenty twenty three, we're not coming back to the United States.
Yeah, that's what we had thought.
It felt like a hard No, we're out.
Well, we've spent time in the UK. We bought a place there in January, in London. Oh did you love it?
Yeah?
You lived a London life. Yeah.
So you're one of those that gets a dream and like, I'm going to go live a London life and you just go buy a house and do it.
Do it, you do that, do the things, because I.
Have these dreams to go do that and I just haven't. Like it's like, but how do we leave the all the LFE that you built here?
You just do this? Yeah, I think you only live once and so if I have something in my head, like, I'm just going to make that happen and prioritize doing that. So we we did spend time there. I then booked something. We were supposed to come back to Nashville. Obviously we have our house here, but I booked something in Canada and Vancouver was always somewhere that we've thought maybe we might want to live. So I was like, perfect, we have a month there. We'll get to kind of sess that out. And again a job you booked, or like, yeah, okay, yeah, I did a movie out there. Hallmark Films. A lot of others love the Hallmark movie me too. They're so good, They're so cute, and Hallmark is like, feel good they do after all the things we've been through as a as a as a collective.
It's like, Hallmark, thank you percent.
Actually, you know, I was reading something when I was over there filming and one of the major actresses on their network she does like a ton of movies for them every year. I was reading an interview that she did, and she was saying just that she was like, what a privilege to be able to create things and be a part of films that just bring light to people. You know, it just makes you happy. It does feel good stuff. If there's a little bit of drama conflict, you know it's going to get resolved.
I'm so happy.
You know, it's feel good and we need more of that right now. So yeah, I totally agree with that sentiment.
I love people like you who follow their bliss, follow their creativity, follow their whatever their intuition is telling them to do fullheartedly, because that is very hard to do. I feel like that is like one of the hardest things to do in life.
Right, I don't know it is because you've always done it.
Yeah, but it's like so many people get scared to take a risk, to take a leap, to sure to go after a dream, and you have done that. So going after a dream at a young age, like you got into TV? Yeah, how did you get into TV? And then how did the nine o two to zero opportunity to come around? Because you were also on other shows before that, right.
Yeah, yeah, I was on Canadian television.
How did you know that you were going to be an actress?
I remember my mom always tells me this story. She was like, you know, the thing about you is like when you say you want to do something, you believe so wholeheartedly that it is going to happen and that it's meant for you that like you will stop it nothing until it manifests itself. And when you feel it, you're like, I feel this. It came to me, so this will be Yeah. I'm like, I'm capable. I know you know, I know my boundaries as well. I know my limits and that takes some time. No, because I think I've just always had a a I'm very self deprecating to a fault sometimes, but I'm also just critical and not in a way of like I hate this about myself. But I like to analyze everything because I want to know what's feasible. I want to know what's possible so that I can push myself and if something feels like it is not. I don't force things to happen that are not meant to happen, and I don't want to waste any more time on that. I need to move on to the next dream.
Yeah, okay, that can take a long time to learn.
I guess I don't know. It's just I really do. I lean on my instincts a lot and always have. But my mom tells this story about one time when I had first gone for dinner with my first agent in La I was like fifteen or something like that, sixteen, and he took me to Chateau Marmont because he said, I'll take you wherever you want to go. I'm like, obviously, Chattau Marma, Like I read about it in the tabloids constantly, like that's where I'm going. I want to see celebrities. And I shared an elevator with Paris Hilton on the way up to the restaurant, I sat down. Jared Leto walked into the room and you know, was greeting his friends at a table, and then I saw the ultimate ultimate person in my world? Who who is going to be the age of I can't even remember how little Mary Kate Olson that was your ultimate? Still is my ultimate?
Mary Kate?
Not Ashley? No, Mary Kate.
Wait, how do you even know?
You can tell the difference. You could always tell the difference. How did you get Mary Kate over Ashley? Because she's just edgier, she's cool.
Was that when they were in the height of the Mary Kate and Ashley, Oh, they were like this they had they were like, we're not full house anymore.
Two thousand and five, baby, Like two thousand and five Mary Kate is iconic, iconic, and we're.
The most iconic. And then they kind of fell off for a minute. Did they decide you're tired of it?
I think yes. I think they would be exhausted, tired of the fame and whatever. And now they're just really focused on their fashion labels and doing that and they're these like elevated, you know, over the top, just like.
Kate, the one that went dark hair first. Yes, okay, so she starts, she showed a trend before the trend really got going.
Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. So Mary Kate was there and my mom like when I told her I saw Mary Kate Elson, she was like, oh my God, like that, you know, she knew how big this was for me. She was like, did you get a picture? I was like, no, Mom, I did not ask her for a picture, because one day when I'm famous too and we're friends, It'll be really embarrassing if I was the teenager that asked her for a photo at Chattel Mama that night. And she was like, that was always it with you. It was when one day when I am famous, when we are friends, which were still not friends, but I've got time, Well I've got time. Absolutely, you still wanted to check out. Absolutely, but you know it was always when, not if not, you know whatever. And I think that's always the way that I pursue things that I want in my life, Like when when I have a place in London, well now I do you know?
So have you not struggled with a bunch of insecurity?
Oh? God, absolutely absolutely in a big, huge way.
Because especially on matter too know, they kind of ripped you to shreds up there.
Yes, girl, I did that.
They were hard for you.
They did go hard for me. I think I was so green, I was new, so I think there was an element of, you know, the unknown. They could kind of paint me to be anything that they wanted. We were right on the tail end of the Paris Hilton, Mary Kate and Nicole Richie Lindsay low hand era of dragging it girls, right, so we were still on that tail end of Papa Rotta see chaos. And this is pre social media and tabloids.
So you hit right before pre social media. Yes, so you're still in the middle of and we got all our tabloids here right now. Yeah, So I was meaning, you know, you're in the middle of all this stuff. Are you in the magazines like weekly?
Yes, regularly. And I was so young, I did not have family. I moved to La on my own when I got the job, you know, so I it felt like I was just being fited to the wolves.
And it was eighteen, right.
Yeah, I was eighteen when I got the job. A lot to process, Yeah, it was a lot, and I was not equipped to process that.
Are you know, always the villain and the tabloids.
Yeah, generally, what are they saying about you? I mean they said all kinds of stuff. You know, I chain smoked from the age of God knows what, you know. So I got caught photographed with a bag of like cartons of cigarettes in a parking lot and like bag you know, oh yeah, like a bag, And that was the one that was like real. So it kind of backed up all of the other negative claims. You know. They called me a drug addict. They said I had eating disorders, which now in today's world would be a subject that was approached with a lot of empathy and compassion, but back then it was twisted into a horrific insult of somebody's character, you know. And so it was just it was crazy how far they kind of ran with things. You know. Yes, I was going to clubs. I was like instantly famous in Los Angeles. I was nineteen years old, which is legal drinking age in the country that I'm from, and you know, I had access to all of this cool stuff, you know. But I wasn't a bad kid. I was so terrified of getting in trouble forever that like, I'm just not a rule breaker by nature. You know, I'll toe the line. I think, you know, I think rules are meant to be bent but not broken. But they, you know, really painted me out to be kind of like next top mess and all of that stuff, which just it wasn't my moo, it wasn't my path, but they did everything they could to kind of make it look that way to the world. And being perceived as somebody that was just inherently bad. Ooh, really like broke me down. It really broke me down. So you know, by the second season, I just kind of hermited up in my room. I was like, well, if I can't go outside, if I don't go outside, then they can't get a picture of me, and then they can't make up a story to go along with the picture, and then I will just become so boring that nobody wants to talk about me anymore.
So your public persona when you really hit the big time, this dream you've had your whole life, Yeah, when you finally hit it, you are getting all the press and all the notoriety, but it's as you are an inherently bad person yet age eighteen years old. Yeah, oh, I was already such a wreck, and I didn't have the press on me like that. How did you make it through that a lot?
Did you?
Not?
Like?
Because like, really, I mean that could be very harmful.
Yeah, it was.
It could take you all the way down.
And I'm just so fortunate that I knew my family history with addiction, so I always steered clear of drugs or drinking too much or anything like that. You know, you never got into drugs, no, which I'm so even though they said you were a drug addict. Yes, But I'm so grateful that my parents had the wherewithal to educate us about our family history and at an early age, so that I had that in the back of my brain the whole time. So I never tried things because I was like, I know me, if I try it, I'm gonna love it. I'm gonna go down the spiral, you know. So I just didn't. I just stayed away. Good for you, And I'm so grateful for that because it was so emotionally and mentally taxing on me. That whole experience and the way I coped was honestly just like hours on the phone with my mom got a great every single day, best mom in the world. I would literally wake up for my call time at four thirty am, and I would be on the phone with her the entire drive forty five minute hour long drive to work. And I would be on the phone with her during my lunch break, and I would be on the phone with her. We'd wrap it fucking didn't matter three am whenever call my mom, mom picks up. I'm on the phone with my mom the whole time, basically until I would go to bed. And that was soon a cry. That was it.
You know, so how lucky to have such a great mom.
Yeah?
Yeah, I mean, I'm so so blessed to have somebody like that who is just like she has never not picked up my call. It doesn't matter what time of day or whatever, and she will not be the first to hang up, you know. So that was my coping.
It was like weepy. She would talk you through it and remind you that you're special and amazing and wonderful on who you are, not what everyone's telling you you are, Yes, exactly, oh man, So okay, so here you are you. I think your dreams come true. You're on nine or two and not. It's getting revamped. It's a huge deal. The world's talking about it. Everyone's stoked and you're like, like you and Anna, uh Anna and Alen are like the main characters, right or so or you're the main character?
Well, no, it was an ensemble for sure. I think like Anna was definitely you know, she's amazing and she just like like you know, is on a screen and you're like enamored with her. So I think she probably popped off as a fan favorite for sure. But there was seven or eight of us that made up that core cast, and it was really an ensemble. I mean we were all in it, equal amounce and all the rest of it.
So you get you get the gig, You get the gig you've been dreaming about that you know is gonna happen just a matter of time. But then it's like this is what I always wonder. It's like when dreams come true, it's never really what you think the dream's going to be, right, because I mean it was for a minute, so the ride was what you thought it was gonna bero.
It was.
It was crazier and like in for a moment more positive you know to my teen self than I could have ever ever ever was.
That moment that was more positive? Like what was the moment of the dream coming true that you're like, yes, yes, yes, this is it.
I think when I got the job, that moment was surreal because I went from studying for my SATs to apply to Columbia and go to business school.
What were you going to do as a business woman?
Anything?
It was yeah what I wrote? Yeah, you know, yeah, I still like wish I could have led two parallel lives at the same time. You are a business woman to a certain degree, but I definitely I have to learn things by making mistakes and you know, slowly gradually chipping away at those dreams. Now, whereas I wish I did have that like baseline of education in pursuing a lot of the business endeavors that I want to do. But I will get there, and you've.
Got the real life education though, which I think is pretty much invaluable.
It's valuable for sure. But when I got the call from my agent that you know, Hillary who, yeah, who is going to be your role? Yes, she had been offered the part, and I, you know, kind of wrote it off at that point because I was like Hillary, I want to watch the show with Hillary job lading it. And then they said Hillary passed you know, you got the job. And my agent when he called me was like are you sitting down? You know, it was like that moment. And then I went straight to my friend's house because nobody was home, and I was like, oh my god, guys like I got I got the job, and they were like, let us, you know, google you and they looked me up and like all over the internet is my picture right next to Hillary Duff's everywhere breaking news. You know, blah blah blah, Hillary is not doing it and this girl is so was that did that?
How did that make you feel? And then it's like not just you got the job, but now you're immediately being compared to Hillary.
It wasn't even I was stooked. I was like, are you kidding me? Like you're gonna put me on the same webside thing like this girl that I have watched. I mean I watched every Lizzie McGuire episode, like saw the movie in theaters, like huge Hillary Duff fan.
You know, so you weren't real you were stoked to be like side by side with her hillard back.
Down and you got it. That's like whoa, yeah, like what like people who know, yeah, we want to Rereaduff's name, are seeing my name back? Start? Like that's crazy. It was so surreal, but I think I still didn't really understand the gravity of like what the title of that show was gonna hold, right, So when we went to the Upfronts, which is like this big event in New York where the network kind of presents all of the shows lined up for that year, at that point, we had never filmed an episode. We'd never filmed a scene together. We did one promo photo shoot video day that ended up, you know, being what we used for the opening credits of season one.
I think we did not get to know each other at all, but not at all, not at all, kind of feels like a missed moment.
Bizarre. It was like it was very bizarre.
I should probably get to know each other right before the little bit.
No, we like had one fun like and I was like, oh my god, all these hot people, my god, states like everybody is so beautiful. What the hell am I doing? I don't think they I don't think we made out, but you know, we're all like laughing and like the old gang together, you know, And it was just like these hot strangers are just like my family. Anier than any humans I've ever seen, Like people like this really exist. This is crazy, and they think I should be one of them. Okay, you know it was just amazing. And then at the upfronts everybody on that carp I remember being a deer in headlights on the carpet and Straup I had met prior to the UR shoot day because we both auditioned for Silver as well. So I met her that day and we just instantly clicked, and you felt you kind of like watched your audition for I didn't connect. Maybe what led to me getting the part one hundred percent like stars align the way that they're meant to.
You were like super emotional. Yeah, you watched the performance with Silver, but then that led to very.
Heartfelt performance for Annie which followed, and so yeah, it just it all worked out. But Straup, you know kind of like knew that I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I've never been on a carpet before, and so like I just remember being like, you know, like frozen, and she's like dragging me down the carpet like you need to keep moving, you know, and I was like, okay, you know, like what like I don't know where I am. And then on the carpet, all the reporters I remember them saying like, you know, are you ready for your life to change? And in my head, I'm like, I'm a kid from Canada, Like this is so exciting. I booked an American show, but like, I don't know, It's just it's another job, it's another show, like whatever, Like my life's not going to change that much. I'm just shanay, like who cares, you know whatever. And then when we were inside the event, because we didn't have any footage to show, well, all of these other shows are like showing clips from the pilot and you know, all of these scenes and whatever, we didn't have any of that. So they showed our little like teaser, you know, happy laughing together video, and then they right before that, they had compiled this montage from the original and showing the global fan fair around this iconic cast of people and them getting off the plane in Japan with hordes of fans screaming and airin spelling this TV legend and what he created with that show, and that like it still gives me goose ims talking about it because I could not but like I knew of the original Beverly Hills. Of course my mom watched the show. I watched the show growing up. I always wanted to like be a teenager, so I watched it when I was probably doing young to be watching it. But I just seeing like me pop up right after that was like, holy shit, they're all right, my life is about to change forever.
You know. It's just coldly had a good feeling a bad feeling, just sociting.
Because I idle Hollywood. I mean I idolized it, like I I read all of the tabloids. I watched X seventeen online and read Perez Hilton because those were like the only two, you know, celebrity blogs that existed at the time. I remember so vividly what the sound of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohand's sidekick made when they were walking along trying to avoid the cameras to get into the car. Like everything about it was just so clear in my mind and so glamorous.
And you're ready for your paparazzi.
Hell yeah, I was.
You're ready for the paparazzi to follow you.
I went down until they did, until they did.
So cool.
You see all the cameras out in front of the celebrity and then until they did what actually is the reality of that?
The reality of that is like me and tears in my little prius, you know, first car had never I got my license a week before I moved to La out of this because I was about to go and live by myself in the city that you needed a car.
And so many first all at once, all at once.
That's a big jolt. And I remember driving around, calling my mom and my agent in tears because this man was following me in his car relentlessly running red lights, and I was so scared that he would know where I lived that I was just circling and tears. You know, what do I do?
What do I do?
Like? I don't know how to get rid of him. He won't stop, Like is it okay? Can I go home? Like is it okay? If he knows where he lived? Do you think he's going to follow me into the garage? You know? And rob Essie's bless his heart. When I was looking at apartments, he was like, I need to see the place. I need you to tell me what it's like, because you can't just you can't do street parking. You need a place that has underground parking that is gated because you need to be able to walk safely into your apartment. Like all of this stuff that I had never thought of, it had never lived by myself. And Rob was like such a dad about it all, and like thank God, thank God for him, and thank God for so many of the people around me that were part of that little Nino Tuino family at that time, because.
It was it was crazy.
Did you ever have any serie experiences? Like so many now that now that the true side of Hollywood's coming out, because like when I was the same way growing up, thinking Hollywood was everything you have to be famous would be so cool that these people That's actually why I started my podcast eight years ago is because I'm like, these celebrities have life figured out so much more than everyone else, Like they're you know, they just have this magic wand that they were born with. They just know more stuff about life. There it's more special. And then I got I've been now doing this for so long and it's like no, no, no, no, no, it's actually a lot harder most of the time, and you have to deal with so much dark side.
Yeah, that is.
That you don't that you aren't really prepared for that's coming forward. Did you have any scary moments? Did you have any situations that were really terrifying scary?
Like I don't remember why it came up. I was trying to find a clip of something like years back, and I saw this little video paparazzi video of me leaving Katsuyo with my showrunner at the time. This was in season one. That was when it was all like crazy, right, And I remember seeing my face as I was like walking through the swarm of flashes to get into my vehicle by myself late at night after dinner and trying to pull out and like begging them, you know, like I can't see, Like can somebody tell me? Is there a car hunt? Like? Am I going to pull out into you know, traffic right now? Am I about to get into a car accident or not? And they don't want to help you. They want you to get in a car accident, you know what I mean, Like they they want whatever is going to be the most salacious photo that they can get. And it's not like it was scary, you know, to me at that time, it was so normal for what I was kind of immersed in. But now as a grown up with kids, when I look back at that, because I don't deem myself a grown up during that season of my life at all anymore, I just see this like kid who is by herself and is going back to her apartment, her lonely little apartment, and nobody has her back, like nobody is looking out for her in that moment, and that breaks my heart, Like it makes me emotional talking about it right now, because the effects of that have been lifelong. You know, really, yeah, what.
Have the effects been?
Do you think?
Just feeling like I think, when you have kids, you start to look at some of the choices and decisions that your parents made that you might make differently, and it hurts, you know, it hurts when you look back at that, And I think, you know, there was no stopping me at eighteen, I got a job that was life changing and kind of ticked every dream box that I had at that point in my life. And you couldn't have told me no, You couldn't have said you're not going absolutely not. You know, my mom always knew that about me. She was like, I had to let you run because if I didn't I knew you'd find a way, and I you wouldn't lean on me to support you. I get that, so I totally understand. I think the hard part is I had two younger brothers, so nobody could just come with you, come with me, and I needed somebody with me. I needed somebody with me. I should have had somebody with me, and I didn't. And you know, it's not to anybody's fault, like there's no other way that it could have been at that time. But I just now know, like as a parent with a daughter, like there's no fucking way. I don't care what I had to do to make it work, there is no fucking way I would ever let her walk into that situation on her own. Never. Never, because I know, but my mom didn't know, none of us.
How could anybody know, you know? And it felt like the dream yeah, and you know it's like if you haven't gotten yeah, the veil lifted, you don't even know.
And bless my mom's heart, like she you know, what could she do? And at that point you're contracted, Like I remember I went home for my hiatus between season one and season two, and season one was like I said, that was the crazier. Everything slowed down after that, But I just remember when the time came, like I'm going to get emotional now, but the time came when I had to go back to LA to start filming the second season. You know, the schedule is what it is. I'm contracted. There is no way out of this. And I just stood at the front door with my suitcases, just begging her to keep me there, just begging her. It was like, please don't make me go back, you know, Please don't make me go by myself. And there was nothing that she could do. She wasn't making me go. I had to go. And that's the problem with children in entertainment. You have adult expectations on you, and you are treated like an adult at a time that you should not be. You should not have those expectations on your shoulders. I should not have been spoken about in the press the way that I was, by adults writing that shit. I should not have been judged by other adults, thank you. I should not have been judged by other adults walking down the street or in my workplace the way that I was because of some tabloid fodder that they had read over the weekend. And I was, and that was I think when you say, what is one of the scariest parts for me? It was going to work on a Monday after the tabloid had come out on a Friday, knowing what stories had been written about me, and knowing that I had to go and be with these people for sixteen hours who were choosing to believe whatever version or having their perception of me.
Influenced, were influenced by it because there was on the set the whole My god. Yeah, it wasn't like an enjoyable cast, no situation, not at all, which that sucks.
It sucks. And we all like, you're getting.
In the tabloids and then you're getting in at the work and then you're also eighteen years old without being emotionally equipped for this kind of pressure job. People are writing shit about you. Yeah, and you're just like on your own but living your dream.
Yeah yeah, and I was, you know, it was like you're functioning at such a high level. You're, you know, making so much money and spending so much money because saving doesn't matter. I wasn't trying to buy a house, trying to go to fucking Barney's and buy lubatons. You know, I didn't care, yeah, you know, and and so everybody is like, you know it, you're living such a glamorous life, like what do you have to you know, complain about? What are you sad about? Whatever? And I definitely had a lot of lessons to learn. Like I did a podcast a few months ago, and I was like, there's always like some little nugget of truth, you know, like there is anybody who says that there is and is lying to you, because there is, but it does get woven into something much more elaborate than is often the truth and the case. But I should have, you know, I don't know, just been I think given a little bit more cushion to yeah, grace to like work through that and and grow up, you know, and again just not have those adult expectations on me, because like I didn't have, you know, what I needed to be able to live up to them, which was impossible.
Who would I know, And like you said, people weren't like worried about mental health back now. No, yeah, if you look like you're too skinny, then they're going to talk about you.
Oh yeah, yeah, you're gonna get raamed out, you know, instead of.
Like, oh, should we help her, or is there something going on that's bigger because there's always a core route.
Yeah, no, yeah, so it was just a different time. And that's what's cool about social media is that, you know, I know there are a lot of negatives that come along with that as well, absolutely, but you are given control over your own narrative in a way that we just did not have. You know, if somebody wanted to say that, you know, they saw me doing cocaine in the club until you know whatever, Like cool, that's what everybody is now going to read.
And now you have to like defend yourself against something that you did not do. Did you try to defend yourself or do you mention?
Because you know what, I was like, I'm not going to justify this shit like with a response like I've I've I'm very proud of myself for being nineteen twenty years old and being able to say like, I've never even tried that, you know, like I've been at Hollywood parties and you know, this person and that person is there, and people are doing whatever the hell they're doing, and I've like, you know, chosen to remain oblivious to all of that because I didn't partake you know, and I'm proud of that. I don't want to like stoop down your level and whatever, like defend that kind of stuff. And I just hoped that I would like find people that knew my character and knew who I was, and just really tried to surround myself with who I thought were those people at that time.
Yeah, I know, it's so, says I have a daughter who's four twos, Like, I think, oh gosh, everything differently now. Yeah, it is so, it's so wild and that was such a different time and we have so much more awareness now. Like you said, social media really has given you a chance to like control your own narrative. And I'm going to get out of this phase of your life and get into where you are now. But just because you were in the last the really glamorous Hollywood error that we felt like we had before it all became exposed, Yeah, what was one of the wildest Hollywood moments that you had?
It's such a I think it's like such a small one really to maybe other people, but to me, it was huge. I remember being at a bar and it was like I don't know, like early days of nine o two one Ozero, I don't even know if we'd like shot anything yet, you know, but our billboards were up everywhere, and I remember seeing toa for Grace, who for right? Who was to for Great? Yeah, it was like Brad Pittley, did you.
Ever did you ever get close with Leonardo DiCaprio. No, he was, He's always my number one.
No.
I feel like, if you're you know, my age, and you got closet Leona Thancaprio, You've got some crazier story that I have to tell. But no, it was to for Grace played. I can't even remember the character's name now, but that seventy show he was like kind of the nerdy guy on that seventid He was like the main guy on that seventy show. I can't remember the name of the character, sorry, but it was him, and I grew up watching that seventy show. And he said something to me and I thought, oh, he thinks i'm somebody, you know, he's mistaking me for somebody or whatever. And I was like, oh, we like we don't know each other, we haven't met or you know whatever. And he was like, I know, but I have seen you in a bikini like all over you know, because We're in bathing suits and the billboards and I was like to for grace, like knows who I am because he's seen my photo all over this city. Like that is so mental right now, Like he is approaching me, and that was just so surreal, and he basically, you know, just gave me like a little nod of like hang on, yeah, exactly. I I'll never forget he's so he was so lovely. But yeah, that was like one of the more surreal moments, which you're like, it wasnlen you.
Didn't have any like of those like scary dark moments though, like besides like the fame coming after you, Like you didn't have like people taking advantage of. I mean, you got taken advantage of in the press and like portrayed, but like do not have any like not really of those like moments where you're in the casting couch and like the producers like.
You don't sleep with me, no, no, no, no no. But I you know, I'm like, I think maybe it's like fortunate. Definitely. I think ignorance is bliss and I definitely like now looking back, I'm like I was probably in like so many situations that could have.
Gone very awry.
But I'm very lucky that they didn't, because I was just kind of wandering through Hollywood and you know, going out at night and going home to my apartment alone. And I never had any like super you know, devastating anything happened to me at that time. So thank thank God, thank God, thankful for that. But yeah, I just I don't know, I never found myself in that kind of a situation. But I also wasn't trying to climb any kind of ladder, you know, So I wasn't in a lot of situations where maybe that would come up, Like when I filmed for nine months of the year and then I wanted nothing to do with being on a set. During my breaks, I went to New York. I interned at teen Bogue, and I interned at a vintage place. Like I wasn't trying to you know, kind of like land the next big movie, and you weren't.
Worried about your career, Like when you're in the middle of filming your career, you're not worried about the next move. How do I keep this going? Did you just kind of I just re then just kind of like let life be like or were you.
Just I think I was just so burnt out emotionally more than anything that when it ended, I had been on to Grassy in Canada for four years, left in my fifth year because I booked nine oh two one oh, so I went straight over to nine O two and oh for five years. So I got to Grassi when I was thirteen. I wrapped nine O two and O got canceled when I was twenty three, and a month after we finished, I was going off to get married, and I was like, how the hell did I turn into like an adult person who's about to get married, And I don't like the last ten years of my life, your entire.
Childhood, your entire adolescence.
Yes, was was spent on set. Yeah, you know, so I was either working on a set for however many hours and however many months of the year, or I was dealing with, you know, all of the stuff that kind of came with that, and I was like, I don't even I don't even recognize myself. I don't even know how I got here. And so by the time that ended, I let go of my agents and managers and whatever. I was like, I'll never say never, because Justin Bieber says not to, but I don't think I want to do this anymore.
You're like, I don't think I want to act anymore.
Yeah, I didn't want to ever be in that situation that I had just finally gotten out of again. So that was kind of my call at that point in time. And then, you know, a couple of years went by and I had to really cope with this identity crisis of like definitely, you know, if not this, then what and who am I? Or what am I going to do? Yes, like I I am not educated. I chose the path to not go to school. You are so educated in you know ways, right, But I picked up a marketing course at UCLA like I wanted, you know, I I have always craved that experience, not like being involved, Like I was never going to be the kid that was like in dorms since they're already like I am not that girl. But I missed the learning part. I felt like that was a chapter of my life that I've always craved because it just equips you with it equips you with confidence. And so I did that. I started to like blog a little bit. I really wanted to host television, but at that time it was like I think I was too young really to be considered for a lot of the hosting opportunities. Like a twenty three year old who you know looks whatever, like nineteen twenty. That's not really like what you see in hosts on TV. They're usually like thirties, forties, fifties, you know, and it's a niche group. I had no hosting experience. So whereas I thought, oh, my acting skills will totally translate, you know, I can do this, other people, you know, just didn't give me those opportunities. So after about a year and a half of just kind of flailing around, I kind of had to swallow the pill of like I made my bed, you know, I kind of I've chosen this path, and Okay, I guess I have to act again because what am I going to do? You know, and because I had taken two years off. You know, everybody knows this. I think like there was momentum and then you know, as fast as it comes, it goes just as fast, right, it sucks it out of you. My castmates who wanted to continue acting, who were smart, jumped on opportunities right off on, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, Like they've done amazing things and they're all super talented and deserving, but I think snowballing from nine oh two one zero. You know, people are going to want to get the people that have just gotten off of the hit series that they were tied to for years and had no time to do anything else. Right, But when you take two years away, it looks like, well you haven't worked in two years. It's so brutal, and it's so much about image and all of that kind of stuff, right, So you're having to kind of explain to casting people like, well, I didn't want to do anything, you know, I need to say, you know, like I needed to be being yeah, And it's like, well, okay, you know. And so then after you know, my entire acting journey having amazing opportunities come relatively easily to me, they were not anymore. And that hill to swallow, Oh my gosh, you know, so hard, because ego is such a huge part of I mean, what a lot of people do just in whatever jobs you're in, but in the entertainment industry a huge part of it, you know. And I had to really accept that if I wanted to earn a living and you know, be able to buy the house and have the kids and feed the kids and support the family. Then like I needed to take the ego out of the equation when making decisions about what I was going to do. And so I was like, Okay, cool, let's go, like I'll do what I can, you know, whatever I can. And if I get to play, if I get to play pertend, if I get to be creative and everybody gets to eat based on that, that's winning. I don't care it rained it totally. I'm like, I don't care if it's the coolest or the edgy, you know, because when you're young and you're on something that's as poppy as a nine O two one o on the CW.
Everybody wants to think it's when you're young.
For sure. But also you're like, I want to show that I can, like be on HBO. I want to show that I can, you know, I'm a serious actress and I can, you know, And so like that's what we all wanted. We all wanted those opportunities that let us flex those you know, skills and be the gritty drug addict in the movie and do this and do that. And so I kind of just pushed all of that to the side. In my brain and was just like, you know, how lucky am I? And I remember years later being offered like a guest role on a show, and I was like, how did I go from like leading roles on television for ten years to you know, now I'm doing a guest star on a series and and you know, look at my peers, look at where they are, look at Lily Collins, Nina dobrav Emma Roberts, Like these are girls that I worked with. We all came up at the same time, and like, look at where they are, and I'm doing a guest star now, Like it's just like just a shot to the ego, not to the heart, not to the nothing to the ego. And I had to recognize that, right, you know what I mean? And my husband looked at me and he was like, but look at how rich you are in so many other areas that those girls won't get to be if they're on set for nine months of the year and doing this and doing that and traveling the world and doing all the things. You know, It's like that kind of stuff doesn't lend to having a partner who you spend all of your time with, building a life where you can have kids and all that stuff, because it's just it's not conducive. It's not to say that it's impossible. Of course it's possible, but I think you have to reach a maturity level, you know, both in yourself and in your partner to make a situation like that work. And you know, in our twenties, I was I was married at twenty three and like to the love of my life and my best friend, and we have so much fun to get He was like, you're so rich in so many areas, Like when are you going to see that? You know, when you're going to see that that holds the same, if not more value than being in the cool makeup campaign or being on the show, or how many expensive clothes you get to have in your closet because you make this much money on the TV show and you know, all of that kind of stuff.
So it was just like a good.
Kind of reality check moment.
How do you define success? That's the moment where it's like, what actually is success? Because when you're you know, in your youth, you're like, oh, success is fame, success is the show, success is all that. But then you get it and you realize the dark side of it. But then, like you said, the ego and it's like, okay, now you're at this crossroads where it's like I'm in love. I don't have a family. I want to devote my heart to.
That as well.
But it's like, oh my gosh, my peers are like still on the billboards and like rocking all the top shows. And you feel kind of like are you feel less than? But you know you're not because you know you were with them.
I mean you could have been, but you're told you're less than. You are told that you are less than by managers and publicists and producers and casting directors, like that's all in their head. And I remember like being out at events and seeing these girls, you know, bumping into them, and they didn't treat me like less than. They were like, oh my god, hi, you know whatever. I remember seeing Nina Dobrev at an event and I was there with Josh. This was when my daughter was one. Just yeah, she had just turned one, and I was like, I don't even know if like, well she like, of course she'll I know she'll remember me, but you know, and she was just like gave me the biggest hug and she had just booked the I think it was your makeup like global campaign, something humongous and so chic and so everything that. You know, so you have to be the coolest of the cool and the greatest of the great really, and I was just like, oh my gosh, Nina, like that's insane, Like that is so amazing. And she was like, yeah, but like I want this, like I want this. And this was before she met seam Waite, right, who she's now very publicly in a relationship with, But this was before that, you know. And I was like, and then when I saw that they got.
Together, I was like, she got it, you know.
I was like, Oh, she got that.
Is there ever a little jealousy though, Like she got that and she.
Got the career and no, no, because timing, like timing works out, you know, the way that it's meant to for everybody. I'm really starting to finally get to a place in my life where I posted something about it on Instagram the other day because this season of you know, New Year has just been so slow. I keep joking like my New Year will start in February twenty twenty four because we were traveling, then we were unpacking, then the snow and the kids at school, and now my nanny's been out sick. All we have like okay, like we're going to start, you know, manifesting stuff come February, because this is just this whole month has been a write off. But I'm like, I'm actually so grateful for the slow start because it's the first time in my life where I'm really accepting that, like I truly am exactly where I am meant to be, and I am no longer, you know, hopefully going to try not to any longer put energy into trying to force myself to be somewhere that is not meant for me yet reach it, you know, and so like, no all of that jealousy. Like I think there's so much cattiness in womanhood in general. I've never subscribed to it, even though you've been put in the middle of it. Yeah, But I was always like, even when I was young and would audition and stuff, my mom was like, it's so funny, Like I really you're You're one of the few people where I always felt like I was in competition with myself. I wanted to taught myself. If I didn't get a job, it was because like it was never ever supposed to be mine. It was supposed to be theirs. They they were the right, Look, they were the right whatever it was, you know. So I never looked at what other people had or were achieving and been like, oh man, they got it, but I deserve Like, no, I'm trying to taught myself, you know, and my own goals are constantly evolving, but it has nothing to do with other people. And I think the whole like woman power and let's build each other up has become so trendy and so not genuine in the way that it's done and talked about, and I'm just like, eugh, Like, I don't like seeing that either. I'm like, you better practice what you preach, right, because I know so many women who will not share resources with other people because they worry that by extending that olive branch to you, you might go ahead and leap frog over me and do the thing that I want to do and pump up you know what I mean.
And then eventually, like you're saying, you get so freaking tired of this whole cat and mask mouse rat race thing that you're like, I check out.
No, I didn't want to play. I can't. I can't play handle that. I'm like, like, more for you is not less for me exactly. So I really believe that, like in my core and I wish more people.
Human nature doesn't believe that, you know, the natural human instinct and ego is like I gotta protect what's mine.
Yeah, but I just I'm it's not now surrounding myself finally with like women that do practice what they preach, and you know, they want you to thrive, they want you to succeed, they want to help you in getting there wherever it is that you want to get. And it's so do you think that.
Comes from just like living life too? Because like I feel like I now, at age forty, I feel like I have like Chase and then so many millions of lives and like been on the rat race in my own way for so long. We're it's finally like what is meant for you will be yours, what is meant for someone else will be theirs, And it's ultimately it's like just the surrendering it over, you know, just surrendering it over to the bigger plan. Yeah, do you feel that way? Yeah, because like it's gonna pan out the way it's gonna pan out as long as you keep just following what's in your heart.
Yeah, and keep doing. That's what my mom always said, you know, Like that's your motto, right, Yeah, I always I'm a very anxious person. I panic. I tend to, like I said, focus on trying to force things that you know aren't meant for me, and trying to have control over things that I simply cannot control. And it drives me nuts. And and you know, the way of coping with that anxiety you saw, I'm solution focused. I'm like, just keep doing, Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep trying always, And that's what I you know, kind of spend my energy on, not dwelling.
And I feel like also though, like healing, giving your nervous system time to heal, giving your spirit time to rest, giving your body a time to like get off the hamster wheel, like all of that is part of the bigger picture of success. Yeah, you know, because like what if you would have never gotten off of the Hampshire one, kept going and now you were like absolutely like the biggest star in the world right now. Like what if you hadn't had a chance to like let yourself process and like, have the success you have with your family, have the success you have being a mom, you know, like you.
Know and when you become a mom is I'm sure you experienced. I remember going to one single audition when I was pregnant with my firstborn and going and I did a color job, like it was like a very It just I was like, whoa, Like what just happened? It was like out of body. I was like that was really good. Who walked out? And I was like, and I don't even care, Like I don't care. I'm not gonna hanl my agent about whether or not I got it because in reality, I'm not gonna be able to film this thing, like I'm like five months pregnant, you know, so that timing won't work out. But I didn't care. And I was like, oh my god, Like what a beautiful feeling to feel like I have purpose and value. That's so Trump's whatever that acting job or that campaign or that whatever is. And I saw Dave Grol in an interview, who liked to me is like, you know, I wish Dave girls my dad, Like I love Dave Girl. He's everything. And I saw him in an interview, and he was telling a story about how he got done off of tour and and his toddler had moved from regular diapers to pull ups, and you know, since he'd been away, and then you know, he was trying to deal with the pull up and there was just like he was like, there was jo shit every week. You know, it's like on his arms and all over the place and whatever. And he was like, that's the beauty of having kids, Like it doesn't matter. You can be the biggest rock star in the world. You can be you know, the next Oscar winner, Like, but your kid's poop is probably gonna end up all over you at some point. And like they don't care, you know, like they just they do not care about the accolades and this and that. In fact, they probably think a lot of what you do is pretty uncool.
And they want you to not do it so you can be with them.
Yeah, you know, yeah, it's just it's so perfect what he was saying. And I was like, yeah, it's it's awesome.
How as being a mother just changed your.
Heart, how where do you start? I know, I don't know.
I feel like I like died to my previous life. Yeah, like before I had Sonny, I was like, I don't even I don't know I've been and you talked about this too, because I have struggled with this, like regaining my sexy again though I have, like I died my previous life, which was very focused on like progressing in my career, and I still care about that, but it's like nothing even comes close to the love I have of being a mom.
Yeah, you know.
But then I also was like, Okay, what I hinged my hat on before being this cool? Like what I thought of myself at least I don't know if other people thought, like, you know, being cool, like looking good, trying to like be hot in the industry. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, okay, I definitely have a fupa. They're super saggy, I got some stretch marks on my belly button. I look in the mirror and I'm like, body, you're awesome. You've done such a great job. But like, does anyone want to see me naked? Because I mean, like sometimes I don't even want to see it. Oh you know, it's like it's it's it's a it's a realization of like and then just turning forty two especially, it's like, okay, like getting off of like being something by how you look or how you appear, how people perceive you, and just being actually comfortable with yourself and like redefining what sexy ist? Has that been a thing for you? Yeah, I think And people kind of came at you and the press too for like the aging Yeah that suh. Yeah, I mean people just always feel the right to like come after.
You, just like just to feel entitled on commenting on the way that like any woman like, and I feel like, I don't know if it's like today's day and age or just win in general. I feel like we can't win, you know what I mean. It's like you, you know, you don't use injectables to alter your appearance, and then like you're aging, like shit, because we're so you know, it's so normal now and unspoken your face and like you know, liked yeah, and it's like and we've started to deem that hey, if you do have god, yeah, god forbid you say that you get Fillery's excreetly enough, but it looks natural. It's like why do we all then have to just law? You know. It's just like it's ridiculous. Damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. And then that was just you know, that whole situation I thought was funny because it was just like crazy, you know, my in laws in the UK like it made global.
News was like put in particular or something.
Yes, it was just like one video where I was just like this, like just a heads up, like if people like can't do that, like there's botox there and I'm not knocking, but I want to get botox. But I'm like, I'm just saying, like, can we just start being a little more transparent about it so that like the expectations on, you know, this whole aging thing like I constantly talk about, like I'm always dyeing my hair. I've been gray gray ying since I was twenty three years old and not going to like pretend that I don't, you know, But when it comes to injectables, it's different than hair dye. Like it's just because yeah, and it is damned if you do and damned if you don't. You can't talk about doing it without getting reamed out for being fake and you know whatever, pushing that women have to do that because you're choosing to do it and talking about it, So don't push that narrative. But then if you are lying about it, then everybody who's not doing it looks like shit compared to.
You, because because you got a ten year advantage.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's just one of those things.
You know, But I think, like becoming sexy after becoming a mom.
Yeah, I found this new purpose when I had kids, like I said, and I found a lot of self worth and value that I had only ever tied to my career. I don't feel you on.
That, not on the level you had, but I feel you so hard on that.
Like that was my whole you know, in my brain. Was I valuable? Was I? You know? Did I have self worth? It was all like, well, how much value do I hold for other people in this industry?
Right now?
Am I hot? Am I not? You know, all of that kind of stuff. Then having kids flips that and I went from you know, again, spending all of my money on liubitons to you know, spending my money on you know, strollers and being concerned like you know, I saving for their university already, you know, like and just completely shifting it. So any like self care or getting dressed like just you know whatever, like literally getting dressed.
Like I heard a whole new body too. For sure, you have a baby, your body's like totally different, for sure.
But for me, it was about like really getting dressed, because I think you can dress for your body no matter what your body looks like to feel good, you know, And I've always believed that, Like it's about finding shapes that are flattering for what you're working with and all of that kind of stuff, right, So it wasn't so much about what was underneath, because thank God, I have like the best husband ever who literally just makes me feel beautiful and sexy and like all day long. Yeah, I know I'm not a great marriage. Yeah I'm very great marriage. That's really awesome, very very lucky, but and so heatious. But but I really stopped like putting any effort into myself and and then I started creating content, so I kind of half would, but I was also really subscribing to like what are other quote unquote influencers doing because I was new to that space.
I was in.
Traditional entertainment for a very long time, but all of a sudden there was this whole new wave of people from the middle of wherever America who you know, had more brand value than some of the celebrities that I knew. I know, it was so surreal and I was like, who are these people? Like where did they come from? What is this?
And everybody wants to follow them and they're just a regular person, totally regular things.
But everybody following I was like.
Celebrities started changing, like what even a celebrity anymore?
Completely? So I was looking to a lot of these girls, and the girls that I had just kind of crossed paths with were very I don't know, I live in Franklin, Tennessee. They were very Franklin t see. You know what that means. I don't know if your listeners do, but they were very much that kind of like aesthetic, you know, that style into the same kind of things. And I was like, okay, I guess I got to just like, you know, dull down the same thing that the press and any publicists I ever hired hated about me, and you know, keep dulling that stuff down now for the general public on social media because people are into like a more you know kind of whatever, like vanilla palatable vibe, and I don't want to be too outspoken or swear too much or you know, have too many of my tattoos on display or whatever. I need to find like nice neutral sweaters to wear and you know whatever neutral palette. Yeah, you know, I'm like okay, because that's what's successful. And and that was the kind of like the max as far as like effort was concerned. And then since having my second and climbing out of this you know, kind of matrescent season, as I've come to know this term. I don't know about you, but like Matressen's is apparently this season that we all go through when we are pregnant, preparing for birth, post birth, and then now where I'm at right now, which has happened to me with both kids between the ages of eighteen months and two years. I don't know why, but I go through this real season of like depression is a strong word, but somewhere in that vicinity and wondering like who the hell am I?
Yes, that is I think I feel like that happens to all moms.
I think, you know, they can walk, they're starting to talk, they can eat real food, Like you've kind of overcome a lot of these like baby journey, Stranger's still with them in the thick of it, Yes, and it's just this weird you're like, okay, Like I'm watching them become more independent, and it's a marker of like from here comes preschool, in kindergarten and like the rest of their life of just becoming more and more independent, and like, I don't want to find myself at eighteen and when they're eighteen going like empty nest, like what the hell? I just yeah, I gave my whole life to your whole life, and.
Now you're gone and you want nothing to do with me and what's left over of me?
And I for me, that's not my role as a mom. My role as my mom is to show my kids everything I've continued to prove my entire life, which is that you can do anything that you want to Anything that you say you want to do is possible. It requires hard work, it requires a little bit of look, it requires a lot of blind faith, but you know it is possible. And I want to lead by example in that I want to be out in the world and doing things and still achieving my dreams. I want my kids to watch me do that.
And you are such a great example.
But you know in that eighteenth eighteen because you're in that baby bubble and it kind of all goes to squat for a while because you're just so tired and whatever. You're just like trying to cope and survive every day, and so matressence for me anyway, has really been that eighteen month to year window of time. And since that moment with my second, who I know is my last. I know that like that's my final time out of that season baby miss and being in the bubble, And now I'm like, oh, this is exciting, and I think it's a season of I keep saying it's like discovery and rediscovery all wrapped up into one, because like, you'll never fit in the pre baby g I mean, even if you do, it's like figuratively, like there is no bounce back, right, Like I will never my body will never look like what it looked like before I had children. Ever, you know, I will never be who I was before I had kids. My capacity for love, my just awareness of self, like so many things have changed categorically and I will never go back to being that person. But there's also pieces of myself before having kids that like I really miss and I still love, but I didn't prioritize for that five or six years of my life. You didn't have time for no, And I'm like, I do want to get dressed, like and I loved I was super influenced by like rock and roll, like male rock and rollers specifically. And now I'm like tapping back, I'm shopping in my own closet again. I'm, you know, getting dressed for myself, and I'm feeling so good and excited. And what's really cool is that, like it's actually attracted more of my people on social media in this past six months than I think I've ever had because I'm actually just being myself, which everybody says, but when you are kind of at a loss for like who the hell you even are, and you also are so trained in condition because of my life experience, that like I should actually try to pretend I'm not who I am, right, because when I am myself, people really don't like get Oh, It's taken me this long to like slowly find the confidence to just actually be my authentic self.
And I as I hit the best season of your life, I feel that you really are about to have the best season of your life because in your adolescence you're dreaming about being a star in Hollywood. Then you got to be the star in Hollywood, and then you have to deal with all that culture shock and like what we talked about, you know, all that comes with that that is so intense and hard as a teenager adolescent. Then you get married and you get out of Hollywood and now you have to figure out who you are then and now kind of seeing your cast still catapulting and you're kind of taking a different road. You have to like get in touch with your ego, redefine what really matters to success. Now you have your kids, you're getting out of the baby face which motherhood talk about another rebirth.
Yeah, totally.
And like so you've been like so many different versions of yourself, meeting so many different versions of yourself and like assessing the situation who you're supposed to be here and not supposed to be who you want to be. But now you just get to be and you get to like drop all the bullshit of all the rest of it and just like choose, and you have the confidence to choose. Yes, you now know what's to your soul. You now know what serves your soul. You now know what matters to you. You've had all these huge experiences and all these accolades. But it's like, yes, that's awesome and amazing, but now it's like what do I want to be?
Yeah, with all.
This incredible past, now you get to choose.
Yeah. Yeah, it's a really exciting time.
Oh this is so exciting today.
And I'm like, I am excited about nothing because it's not like I'm like here going, I have all of this amazing stuff wind up, but yeah, I'm just excited, like peace with you. Yeah, and it feels so good and I'm like, oh God, like the possibilities just feel kind of endless right now. And it's exciting. And I wish I had more mental capacity and just time in the day, as I'm sure you know, like we need, you know, seventy two hours in a day please and thank you, because twenty four is definitely not enough, but to kind of dream up a roadmap here and all the things I want to do. But again, I'm also in that season of going it's gonna happen the way that it's about, so I'm not even stressing about it. It's cool. And this is like very abnormal for me because I have existed. I have ADHD. I was like finally diagnosed. So I feel like I'm not lying to people when I say that now. But like I have ADHD, I've had anxiety forever. I you know, it's been just a very windy path for my mental health journey throughout my life. And so this is not normal for me at all to like I think calm, feel yeah, like relatively calm, but like just peaceful. I think calm is a stretch because I always haven't been peaceful if you look back on it. No, no, definitely, definitely not. But I have such a good core. Like my husband is my counterpart. We really are very yin and yang. He believes that everything is happening as it's meant to, and everything happens for a reason. Like I've never seen another human believe that.
Get married to him.
It is and it's a it's a it's a gift, you know, it's one of his purposes. I think here on this earth is carrying that energy and sharing that energy with other people. And it definitely does, you know, ground me when I start to, you know, get on the rat race in my head and all the rest of it. But it's it's an exciting time, and I have no idea what's ahead for.
Me right now at all, which is awesome.
But I'm okay with it.
I saw that way too. It's like, you've gotten to this point, why not just let life surprise you, Like it's done so many cool surprises for you so far, and now that you're in this like peace of mind in this place, that's like your nervousism is calm. Yes, how cool for this this next surprise coming from this starting point.
Yeah, I think a big source of anxiety, I think for any creative I imagine. I mean I shouldn't speak for other people, but for myself anyway, it's always that like every dollar I iron is going to be the last dollar I iron every job I get like that, was it like Rugsville that nobody cares anymore? You know, like ever again? And like so I function from that place. So even getting a job is like the extreme high of like you got it or you know whatever, and then like immediately after, I'm like, but what if I ever get it over? Yeah? This is so I just exist in that place constantly, which is not a healthy thing for anybody. But the highs and lows are so extreme in this industry, so it did become a norm. And now I'm just like, I have no reason not to believe that good things will come again because they always have. Historically my life has shown that, you know, it's it's always it changes and it evolves and all the rest of it. But I've always been fortunate because I have taken my ego out of the equation. I do have a really really strong work ethic. I am creative, I am smart. I know those things to be true, so you know, I have to have this. It's a blind faith, as.
I say, blind faith. And do you have blind faith your faith in something? Do you have a bigger faith or is it just kind of like a I.
Think I do, like I believe, you know, it's I mean, that's a whole thing because I was I think on Wikipedia says I'm an atheist, which people constantly love to throw up. Like I think I said that when I was like sixteen or something. I don't know, but I don't really subscribe to a particular religion. I think there's a lot of negative things that come with that that I've experienced and seen in my life. So I'm definitely a believer in God, whatever that means. Away was like, you call it God, call it the universe, call it whatever you want. I don't care. There is a higher power and I believe in that, and I have to have faith. I remember when I was in Japan when the big earthquake and tsunami happened. I was praying and that was my atheist season and I'm like praying, okay, and my dad was said to me, he said, nobody is an atheist in a foxhole. And I was like, I am. I'm praying to God. I'm praying to my dad. Grandma, I'm praying to who, you know, believing that her spirit is somewhere right now and hoping that she'll keep me safe. So you know, we want to raise our kids just yeah, having faith in something, because I'm watching it right now. You know, my ninety one year old Italian Catholic grandma is her faith has carried her over these past fifteen years without her husband, watching everybody go, having nothing to do but feed the cat, you know, and you look at that from the outside and you go, oh, my God, you know, like is that what getting old? She's happy as a freaking clam because Jesus is her best friend, and she knows that something beautiful is waiting for her in her heart, and I'm like, well, who doesn't want a piece of that? Why that way? He doesn't want a piece of that? Yeah, So I've always kind of flip flopped in my mind if I'm totally transparent, because I am a believer in science all of the rest of it. So I think it's kind of this give and take, but I think ultimately nobody has any of the answers for real, for real, so it's just kind of whatever feels good to you. I totally agree with you.
I totally agree with you, Shanet. Your story is so incredible. I have absolutely love talking to you. I would literally talk to you forever. I always wrap up with one question, okay, which is leave your light, and it's basically, what do you want people to know? It's super wide open.
What do I want people to know? I want people to.
Know that.
You will be okay, you will be better than okay. You will be living and doing and being exactly what you are supposed to be. And I really hope for everybody out there. And what I say to my daughter every night is like, I will always have your back. I will always be in your corner, so I hope and whoever you are and wherever you are, you know that there is someone or something that has your back and is in your corner, because there are many times in my life, as you've heard on this podcast, that I did not feel that and everybody deserves to do that.
Thank you so much for joining me. Your story is so amazing. Thank you, thanks for sharing, Thanks thanks for having me
