Get It to Dutch: A Screenwriter’s JourneyAfter meeting in a three car pile up, screenwriters Mark, Greg, and Brendan meet to write an epic fantasy movie for iconic Hollywood producer, Dutch Huxley.
Welcome to Get It to Dutch, a screenwriters podcast. I'm Mark, I'm Greg, I'm Brendan, and we are a team of Hollywood screenwriters who meet every week to read from an original screenplay that one of us has written. We give notes and rank the scripts, and at the end of the season, we're going to pitch the best script to big time Hollywood producer Dutch Huxley.
WHOA, there we go. I can't wait.
We're all very excited. So let's start with a little bit about us.
Sure, well, we met in a three car pile up on the one oh one, and yep, it's true.
I was the butt end of it.
That's right. I was first in line, so technically not at fault, and.
I was the meat of the sandwich, so I can blame everybody, that's right.
I think trial is gonna tell us the answer to all these questions.
We are in current litigation.
I don't think we should actually talk about the lawsuit.
The lawsuits, Okay, good call.
I will say though, if on the record, if I'm hit from behind, I should not be at fault for hitting somebody in front of me, especially if they slowed down too fast.
That's what she just said, and then that's the end of it.
That's the end of it.
You guys watched the office, that's what she said, didn't see it.
Yeah, Well, and I was driving a well borrowing for the day, a very nice car, and Mark's crappy Jetta sort of didn't rear end me. It more drove up onto the tail.
Part I did. I ramped you, you.
Ramped me, and then Brendan's car went under yours. So it was kind of like it was it a three car pile up more.
Of a I was piled up on top of sort of like a triangular bridge between the two of you at one point.
That's right.
I don't know if car is important.
I was in the four Tourists. I was born in so family car that will come out in trial. Well, I think we should probably set the setting for where we are.
Yeah, let's go ahead and give folks a little idea of where we are. Interior Mark's crappy apartment in North Hollywood.
Day and is this North Hollywood?
I don't know it's far.
According to the La Metro, it is not. Because I went to the last stop in North Hollywood. Bus driver kicked me off and I walked another forty five minutes to get here. What is this neighborhood?
Is it's North Hollywood adjacent. It's deep North Hollywood. Yeah.
Yeah, this definitely feels like we're not in California anymore.
Toto, Well we are. We're in California. We're in Hollywood technically adjacent, which is appropriate for this podcast. And we don't have to talk anymore about my apartment, which I love, which is set up exactly how I want it.
I'm sitting on a weight bench, and I'm sitting on an old crate of Teeto's and looking at a good Fellow's poster.
It's also I hung sanely dark. Yeah, it is dark.
It's dark and hot, blazingly hot.
It's very hot in here.
Well, this is the reason it's dark. Is I blacked out the windows so that I could film in here at the drop of a hat.
Why did you need to black out the windows? You have a what is this a basement apartment?
Yeah, it's called it. It's a garden apartment.
Well where's the garden?
They took it out, but this could be a location. Also, Greg, you're staying on my couch, so you don't have to room, trash the apartment.
Well, I've not trashed this apartment, and believe me, it looked like this when I came in. And I'm just staying for a while, and I would.
Sell anything us.
Yeah, I do. Actually, that's great. I have some screenwriting books. Yeah, I probably have everyone you could imagine.
That's right.
There's a story, of course, Robert McKee. You've got fifty two Points of Light by Jamison Flanders. What's that one about.
It's just a different structure, Okay. It breaks a movie down into fifty two points. Okay, So it's basically like two and three quarters pages per point. Okay, So it's just an easier way to think of it.
Yeah, you got to save the cat, of course. But I think he died, Blake Snyder. Blake Snyder, he.
Did, he died, Okay. He left us a wealth of knowledge for screenwriting, which I appreciate.
What else do we get here?
That's probably enough?
Oh well, look at all the photos that fell out of that one. Well, no, no, hold on, hold on, give me those.
Sorry, A bunch of polaroids of a naked lady fell out of that.
So just let's not we don't have to discuss what fell out of the artist's way.
Can you put them back in order?
Please?
They were in order?
Well, there's numbers on the back.
Oh my god.
Wow, Just let's not talk about it.
Did you find the polaroids in the book?
I don't want to tell you anything about the polaroids?
Okay, the pile up.
Don't talk about it. Don't talk about the naked polaroids.
Yeah, don't talk about where we are?
What this is?
I mean, what are we going to talk about?
Sorry, guys, can we say something nice about my apartment?
Huh?
Yeah, you know what. Okay, I'll say something nice about your apartment. I wish I lived here.
There you go tell me more. You don't have an apartment. You kind of have an apartment.
I have a night lease on a place in Hollywood. How does that work? Well, the guy who has the day lease, he is there all day and then at night somewhere around nine, usually around eleven. That mostly no later than twelve am. I get in there. I'm allowed to, you know, put my sheets on a bed, I go to sleep, and then I'm a heart out at six. Oh.
I was wondering why you're carrying your sheets with you?
Yes, okay, so, yeah, you guys will notice. I got a big old backpack I take with me everywhere, and it's got my sheets, it's got my computer for writing, and you know, I just spend the day traveling up and down Hollywood Boulevard, the heart of the action here in Hollywood Troubadour. Yeah, what does the roommate do He works all night, Gus, he won't tell me. Honestly, I'm not allowed to have faces to faces with him. Oh yeah, if he shows up, I need to be out of there. He throws intotal rage if he sees me at all. So I'm sorry about them. He's a mean guy.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Hell me less? Yeah, yeah, I wish I could. But so there you go, Mark, I wish I had your apartment. And if you're looking for a third to jump up in this turn, Nope, nope, nope, nope. Yeah.
Well right, well, I can assure you don't want to stay here.
It's pretty rough.
Well okay, fair enough. So that leads us into our first segment, which we call the industry Minute. Now, this is the part of the show where we break down all the important buzzwords and catch phrases that you need to succeed in the business.
And the topic of today's Industry Minute is connections.
Connections. You don't have connections. You're not getting anywhere in this town.
You got nothing. I mean, this is a networking town. You need to be able to have a large network. You got to be able to make friends.
And Mark's got a big one.
I have I reeled in a big fish. It's who you know and I know through one degree of separation. Maybe the greatest, most legendary of all Hollywood producers, the man himself, Sir Dutch Huxley.
Wow, that's why we call the podcast what we call it, get it to Dutch. And we're gonna get it to Dutch. What is your connection there?
A family friend of mine is friends.
Well that's one.
Yeah, it's friends with a guy who knows Dutch.
So that's two connect You're actually two steps away.
That's two degrees.
Yeah, that's two degrees of separation.
But still a connection. You know what they say, two degrees below zero is still freezing.
Yeah, and if your eyes cold, I mean, it's helpful or not helpful.
Well, you guys, okay, how close are you to Dutch? You guys don't know Dutch? I walk his dog, really yeah, every day, but I wouldn't say I know him. He just calls me Benjamin or Brick anything with a be. Never Brendan, though oddly enough, I had no idea that's great. Brick is such a swing and a miss from Brendan. Like he calls brickmated everything you think he'd say Brendan before he said Brick. I don't think it matters. He's a guy who doesn't think.
He just goes Honestly, if he calls you anything, it doesn't matter. You're one degree of separation if you know his dog.
Oh my god, so am I running the podcast? Now?
Seems like nobody's running the podcast. This is an equal opportunity situation. I happen to know Dutch. I think maybe five percent more because my connections are human. Yeah, they actually have a sort of consciousness that is able to recognize.
But I'd pick his best friend, not mel Gibson the dog. I don't know if I was clear about that.
It's an important distinction, it really is. It's important that you mentioned that. Now, if you don't know Dutch, you certainly know his movie for sure. The guy has done everything, every genre, every category, He started with westerns Now. Some of the titles you'll recognize Hard Sunset Ryan. He actually got mad if you didn't scream the title all caps with an exclamation point. He did a Conflict at two fifteen.
That was his actual That was his second highest grossing Western. That was actually his second highest grossing Western of all time until, of course, he made Minors Versus Horse Right, which blew the doors off of the today.
Yeah, absolutely not. He went on to make some of the greatest romance films of the sixties and seventies, including The Secret Diary of Betsy Ross, which is very controversial in his day, Rigid Jeans, and then yeah, he had some Oscar contenders. He did Horse Hearts.
Go Blom Oscar nominated.
Yeah, he's sure. He was a young man in that one. My wife Marcy is dead.
Carl Maldon, who could forget?
Who could forget him? I can't remember him? A Woman's War he did, Greg. You were a big fan of Philip Sand's Big Brass Band?
Yes, I love I love a movie musical.
Yeah, did you do that in high school?
Yeah?
I did play. I played Philip Sand. Wow, there we go, Well, old Philip Sand at the end That's cool, which was weird for a sophomore.
Just to rattle off a couple others. Where did all the Nazis go? Some will call him Jesus. I mean he had hit some of our favorites. We've talked about this in the sports category. Did it ends in a tie? Love that the forty year old little leaguer. He even did that Christian movie Coma.
Oh yeah, what was that about?
That was about the power of prayer and how it kept one gay teen in a coma Wow. Then, of course he launched the Raunchy Boys.
Franchise, Oh My all time fav just class.
And some say that that tarnished his star, but I begged to day dan Addy. We all grew up on those movies.
Hamburg, Hamburger Shack, Returned to Hamburger, Shock, Turn.
To Hamburger, Hamburger Shack three, Back to the Beach, which is strange because they were never at the beach.
There's a cabin in the woods.
There's a cabin, so to return to go back, it's insane, but you know they were great.
Do yourself a favor, go to this man's IMDb page and just soak it in.
Done everything Now he hasn't done a ton since the early odds, but he's still arguably the most legendary producer of all time.
And he is a connection connection.
Yeah.
And so if there's one person we're going to get a script to, it is Dutch because he'll know what to do with it. And our job is to get him a great script.
And just for Clarity's sake, I will get him the script.
Okay, okay, let's tell you about if you don't know. Do you want any of these? By the way, peanuts, that's my stuff, man, these I went to Costco for that.
I found these in my I covered well you left them on top. I thought they were just lost?
All right?
Do we have to go over ground rules? Do I have to print my name on the things that are mine?
Well, your name is printed on here.
You're allowed to have some, but just replenish the stash. Be a good guest, is all I'm asking.
All I'm asking is you not get the peanut ones. Nobody likes these, the I like them.
Don't finger them. Just let them be.
Finger fondl whatever. I'm not gonna eat all these, Brendan, Who.
Do I have to ask to keep eating these?
You can eat them. Thank you, dudees bring your own snacks.
We write that down.
Can we get into the script?
Let's do it.
What do we got? But before we dive into Brendan's script?
Yes, a little note about scripts. Each week we're going to rotate whose script it is. This week it's Brendan's turn you and you'll notice we're not going to read the entire script, all one hundred and twenty pages or whatever it is.
Well, this one's four seventy five.
Four seventy five. That wow, So thankfully, we're only going to read select scenes to give you the general arc of the story beginning, middle of an end, and afterwards we'll let you into our writing process as we give each other notes. Yes, because screenwriting is sort of it's like a river, it's sort of always changing, it's never ending. You're gonna have to customize your vision to some degree. And I might add some sound effects to the script to punch it up and give it a little pizazz. So Brendan, set up your script, take us into your world. What do we need to know before we get into it? Yes, I have written favorite genre of mine, fantasy. When Lord of the Rings came out changed my life.
I loved the books, I absolutely adored the movies, and so this is my take on a grand epic fantasy. It's called The Winds of Beleanore, cool excellent, and it follows our hero Thorgar half Man, who is a half man half halfling, which is a hobbit for those of you not in the know. Half man, half halfling, half a halfling is just just half lining. Okay, So a hobbit is a halfling, a half is a halfling, so he's half a half link.
But his last name is half man half man. Okay, so a half man is a hobbit, or a halfling is a half.
Well, Thorgar half man is half hobbit.
Okay, he's a quarter hobbit.
Hold on, if a halfling is a hobbit, he's half a halfling. He's a he's a quarter hobbit, half a man.
Let me look it up and I'll try to figure it out before the end of this. But he's half man, half halfling, and basically he's the most unlikely hero and a land of heroes that you'll ever see. Awesome, And he sets out on an adventure to save the land of Beleanor all right, and I thought we could start actually right off the top from the beginning, get a beautiful glimpse of the landor.
Do you want to sign some parts? Oh yeah, here are your scripts. Mark.
You are going to read everything in forest green, please, Greggy, everything in light green, awesome. And I'm just going to take straight up kermit the fraul green baby great.
I am We're.
Blind, so this is difficult and this is a blue blue page.
All right, how about I I'll wave at Greg and I'll jab Mark with my finger.
Okay, okay, all right, here we go. I guess I'll be reading ouch ow, I get it. I'll read the stage strata now, okay. Scene one, Exterior Belenore Day. We zoom over the wondrous land of Belenore, over mountains, fields, rivers, and forest. As our narrator, he who knows All, tells us the tale of what fate awaits this wondrous place.
Beleanore, a world of enchantment and wonder that has best in the goodness of light for one hundred billion and million years.
But where there is light darkness O Exterior mount Hunax. We swoop towards a giant mountain and into a cave higher top. We continue in deep into its center. A large pile of gold lies still. Then a giant eye of a dragon hidden in the treasure opens match cut Thorgar's eye. He's covered in flour. Suddenly he sneezes, launching his tiny body backwards into a cart of pies, sending the treats crashing all over the floor of interior Thorgar's bakery. Day the tiny bakery is packed with customers. Thorgar stands up from his mess of pies, slips and falls into a large tray of bread, sending them to the floor as well.
Oh, I guess I'm angry crone here yep.
Okay, greenl sticks and muggin's tears.
Thorgar, you've ruined half the inventory with your mumbling ways.
A billion parton, my dear friends, get me but four to five hours and I'll have your pies and breads for you on the house.
Swirl whipped up, can't you see? Whipped up to a froth? We should kill him.
Cut off his thumbs. That's the only way to get his thumb out of his asses. To cut it off.
Let thorg God be you bullying nippets. We see Merryweather honeycuffs the most beautiful and smart woman, and all of Beleinor emerge from the crowd.
But he's messed up the pies on the day of the festival. Nonetheless, he oweses his thumbs.
Merriweather pulls a dagger from her bodice. You take his thumbs and I'll have your nipples. Wear him on a chain around my neck. I will The frightened crowd stampedes out of the breakery.
Well, that's twelve score of pies. I won't be selling today.
Worry not, Thorgar, They'll all be clamoring for pies after the King's Tournament of Champions. She takes his hands, brushes the flour from his thumbs, and looks into his eyes, a palpable and tender longing between them. Just then the door of the bakery smashes open, and in walks the hulking Dastain iron Horn, with a sword the size of a large yard's leg dangling at his side.
Here I am Dastain iron On the great Maplewood himself.
Hurry with those pies, Merriweather, for I need.
A full belly before I win the champions tournaments.
Oh yes, right away, Dastaane, I was just taking pity on this simple minded duf kicked in the head by the horses of the gods. I say, run along to me, then girl, She runs to him and he pulls her close. Then they furiously make out, tongues sloppily tumbling and lapping over each other.
God's dastane.
She's my sister, step sister, halfman and dusley to creed a single, and being a single leaves her open for wooing by another single such as I.
Speak not of our traditions of marriage to me, I know them, I say, sees my sister hole and dust leave my betrothed.
One more Dustley from youth Organ, I'll have your guts in a muffin.
Come on, Merryweather, help me put on my armor for the competition tonight, and can help me take it off later too.
With wet, dewey eyes, Meriweather looks back at her stepbrother as she leaves with ironhorn.
Oh, would I be a man hole in these hands?
Not soft of baking flower, I might could slay a dragon. Wow.
I like it nice.
Start to hear it out loud and not just have to read it with your own dumb eyes and great character voices.
Guys, that really brings it to life. I like the world. I like how you brought us in the Dragon's Eye match cut.
Like, this is some really cool stuff. So just a couple of questions. Now here is Here's where we want to bring the listener into our notes process, so we help elevate these scripts. Welcome.
First question, the stepsister whole sister situation. Yes, that's gross to me.
That's just as they say in Hollywood it bumped.
Well, it's just that's part of the landt additions. A sister is born for a brother to wed right, so just change that. Yeah, don't do it.
I don't know if it's cross, it's disgusting. Okay, Well, full disclosure.
Uh. This is based off the erotic Lord of the Rings fan fictions of Url Tulou. Of course, if you're a Tulou head, you know that he eventually went so far that he broke away from the Lord of the Ring stuff, and kind of he is kind of the founding father of Bellanor so I couldn't actually change any of that without his approval.
Oh, have you gotten clearance from him to actually use this idea? Maybe that's a good question for.
Al al is al Bingo, our lawyer. Bingo's not his real name. It's a good question. Are you allowed to write this now?
Actually he's a fugitive from the law, so I don't know what What does that do to trademarking rights?
Wow, I think it's up for grabs.
Actually, really, yeah, what did he do? He murdered a couple of kids? Really? Oh lord? Did I say kids? I mean like twenty year olds?
Wait? So would we have to would we have to say his name?
What?
What we have to We don't want to be associated with a kid killer? Oh?
Well, again, when I say kids, I'm kind of saying it in that youthful way of like it was a couple of twenty year olds. I guess that softens the landing, right Yeah, yeah, right, So I don't want you to think children children, because I would never but a couple of twenty year olds you certainly would headlong dive into his This is definitely kind of pulled from the ideas that he was coming up when there's an erotic fan fiction that he never put a name to, you know, so, uh, he mentions Beleanora, I've kind of made the world a little bit holder, but this is one thing that he is definitely written down. A sister is born for a brother to wed is. See, that's the part that's fucking gross to me. It's so sick that I don't want to even have anything to do with it in a script. It's just disgusting.
Yeah, I'm not going to go as far as get that mad about it.
Repulsed. It's not like anger. It's just the black Oh yeah, okay. Otherwise great, minus the like those huge chunks of what it like most of the scene, it's really good.
And for the listener, you're gonna get notes sometimes I accept these notes. I say thank you to the people giving them, and I either take them or I don't take them.
That's if you're not going to take them. But if you don't, I mean I wouldn't think it's over to Dutch, is all.
It's.
Oh you have to.
I mean you got to make some changes.
Okay, before you'll allow Dutch to see it. I thought we're all equal partners.
We're all equal partners. But I'll be the guy that gives it to Dutch.
Don't be a gatekeeper.
Well they exist for a reason, but.
You don't gatekeep each other from the thing that we're all trying to get.
No, we'll all have our name on the script, and I will hand it over. I'll be the one who is the messenger. It's not a gatekeeper, it's a messenger. He's the gatekeeper for.
The messenger gets killed, right, Well, don't kill the messenger, I think is what it is.
I think that's the phrase.
Wait, do you have any more of these pretzel things?
You ate them?
Well, they're this four pound bucket. Man, that was not a four pound bucket. It was half empty when I got to.
It, because you ate half of it yesterday.
Let's let's just jump into the next one. I think, yes, I have the next Actually, I was hoping to take you guys, if you guys can all jump ahead to page twenty seven here, I wanted to take you guys to the moment where Thorgar is finally leaving his simple life behind and he's stepping out into a world of adventure.
Great, so this is the sort of end of the first act, crossing the threshold. Yes, great, love it all? Right, here we go exterior Thorgar's house, Sunrise, Thorgar half man shuts the door to his couint hovel and shoulders his heavy backpack. He gazes across the rooftops of the other gentlefolk, a sad smile on his face.
I do hope I say this old place again. But now adventure awaits.
Oh I almost forgot it.
Cut two Interior Thorgar's kitchen. Moments later, Thorgar checks each knob on his stove.
This is on one, two three four, it's off. This is off one, two three four on again, this is on, but it must be off.
So one two three fur this is off. All the burners are off, and all is well. Now to adventure.
Exterior Thorgar's house. Mid day, Thorgar climbs the hill and looks back over the land of gentlefolk. He sighs, I.
Show miss the smell of the glasses here at the high noon. Just one more thing to do.
Cut to interior Thorgar's kitchen.
This is off on two three four, it's off.
Does this go on for a while because it just seems Yeah, I'm flipping pages.
It's a lot of this, Yes, yeah, yeah, maybe if we He just goes back and checks his stove. Yeah, I thought this was over of like launch to adventure.
Yeah you know, well wait, I got a little something.
So what's there? So there's a big fireball on page thirty five. Oh yes, that's old Chip barley Wine's house. He forgot the checks of them before he went to Okay.
Well, so I'm let's see twelve pages ahead.
On what is this thirty forty one Meadows of Crandor Yeah, yeah, okay, exterior the Meadows of Crandor. The next evening, Thorgar sits by a fire, rubbing his feet. In the distance, we hear the pounding of horse hooves and the raised voices of men.
Thorgar's eyes wide. It no cut two interior Thorgar's kitchen.
One, two, three, four it's off. Oh, let's give it a lick to be sure.
So so, okay, so he can't check the knobs of his stove for fifteen sixteen? How many pages does this go on for? He has to check the knob, so this can be cut. Can let's just go to where the momentum is pushing him across the threshold. It's like he's getting right there and then can I ask edging the reed, what.
About the audience? What about the audience? Who sees this guy take off and they go. He never even checked the stove.
Nobody cares, Nobody does that.
I didn't even think they would have stoves in a land like this. Of course they did a gas stove.
It's a Lanta fantasy. It's not a land of magic. Yeah, right, it's like everybody else's house. Right when I leave the house, I gotta check that burner because if it's left on, I'm in tru you know what I mean.
And be that ad as it may, I would say, you're in the minority. I don't think people spend this much.
I was having a hard time breathing. I mean, think about it. Thorgar walks out of there, he doesn't check his oven. He's gone for months, maybe years at a time, and that thing's just maybe comes home to ash everything he worked for gone.
Is that what you think about when you watch movies of like wait Where? Like that must be exhausting?
My god.
Yeah.
Every time Indiana Jones took off in that Red Line, I'm like, that guy's just fucking going to Indonesia and he never went back to his house to check on the oven.
Wow, okay, well let's move on. We'll go on to the next.
Well, how about some action. Yes, great, please, this is what we're waiting for. Let's flip all the way towards the end. I want to take you to the final moment, the final scene, the last image that the audience is going to see what we've been building up for. Thorgar has now assembled a band of brothers, a fellowship of friends, and they approach Gore Buzzle's cave. Okay, now we got Thorigard. You guys know him half man, half halfling. I got to check the math on that. Totally ripped, of course, that's why he wears the sleeveless tea.
Oh he's ripped.
Cool. Yeah, just so you guys know, they're all ripped here. They all wear sleeveless teas. Oh I didn't read that, and I think we had teas. Are you writing for costuming or do you put that in a script? Don't worry about costuming. I think, Yeah, these guys and there's not a single guy in this thing that's wearing a T shirt and a pool you know what I mean. They're proud of what they made.
There's pools here.
Well, there's stoves. Mark, Yeah, that's kind of my love letter to the Northeast. I would believe a stove before I believe like t shirts and a pool. You know, I grew up on Long Island, so this, you know, Tolkien created Lord of the Rings as a mythology for England.
Who's Tolkien?
J j R. R.
J R. R. Tolkien Tolkien.
That's how I say it? On Long Island?
Is it on Long Island?
I would never go to on Long Island if you're there, And so this is kind of my love letter to them. Everybody kind of is like the guys I grew up with. They're all here. You know, when the great wizard Gandolfini shows up. I think that's really clear.
Because Gandolfini, yeah, like James.
Yeah, he I hope my dream is that he plays it. How would you do that? Ai? Okay, his son, the powers of gandolf the attitude of Gandelfini.
I'm gonna I'm gonna say, I'm gonna veto that one. Okay, you cannot call it. I mean that's too close to gandalf.
Yeah, okay, well I'll take that note veto.
His name's James Gandelfini, and he's a wizard like gandal like it doesn't.
Call this changed your mind, Gandolphini, And then what's Gandalfini.
Like, oh what you're doing? Oh yeah, you fuck, I'm idiot.
It's just it's like Tony Soprano. Yes, there's so many layers to that and none of it fits into this world.
Yeah, I would, I would say maybe all that needs to get you definite.
Scandle Feena at his best the Sopranos, not Last Castle where he talks normal with this weird lisp. All right, I never saw that.
Let's get into the fellowship.
Yes, so we alsill have an elf. His name Isnthandral. Now elve's in this land. Their hair is their history, it's their magic. It is long as a river and as strong as an oak. It's kind of the sentient being that is always moving. So it wraps around him and it's his clothes like he's walking around like with a big hair diaper, you know, but every now it's still moving, so it will like go and pluck a berry from a tree and feed him. Yeah. There's a great scene early on where the hair is kind of swirling around over his crotch, but then it sees this big juicy strawberry and he goes and grabs it, puts it in his mouth. So do you see his Yes, we get to see the first elf genitalia.
Oh, that would give it an X rating.
Oh no, an elf has no private parts. They're like a ken doll. But you said you get to Oh you see a gentitalia. But there's no giantail, so what you're seeing is nothing.
Okay, I might even be creepier.
We also got a dwarf. Got to have a dwarf. His name is Gunt. He's a stone humper.
Seems self explanatory, Yeah, very much.
So then that's a kind of kind of dwarf is a stone humper, Yes.
It says right there, Gunt he humps stones as a stone humper.
Dwarves are just all passion food. Feed me, stone, hump me.
I hump him or you know.
Yeah, okay, then we've got a little something I cooked up that I think you guys are gonna find very cool. A man a dial. It's the top half of a man and the top half.
Of a crocodile.
The top of the top, top of the top half, that's like the tip the head, the head.
So it's a man on top and a crocodile head on.
The mat and torso of a man, and then on the bottom the head of a crocodile.
How does it walk?
Well, it can you either hop up onto the crocodile's nose and kind of like snap its mouth and scoot along like that, or it has to army crawl with the man.
Seems slow.
Yeah, it's very slow. That's kind of why this thing is all like the page count. That's why I covered in songs. It takes a while for the Manadao to travel, so there's a lot of songs in here.
Or you could just cut to the next place.
I could, but I think that's this kind of sloppy screenwriting. We have a lot of hours to fill on the screen.
How long five five?
Have you ever seen the uncut versions of Lord of the Rings? I mean, it is a day, It's a day. So the whole gang is up there the entrance to Gore Buzzle's cave and down comes the Mighty Beast.
Excellent, So this is great. So we're at the climactic, yes, finale, all right, this is great. Joy Scene three exterior Mount Hun as our heroes crouched behind a large boulder at the entrance to gore Buzzle's layer the cower as a hot blast of dragonfire hits the back of the rock.
I fear this is the end.
Gun to Tonthandriel cling to each other.
To think, I'll die in the arms I know.
Thorgar looks at his sword, the tip beginning to glow red. Suddenly an idea.
Take heart, friends, though this be our darkest hour, A light awaits hold fast, Keep the dragon busy for as long as you can, and I'll do the rest.
Thorgar sprints off into the woods. Fly, Thorgar, fly like the winds of Belenor.
Oh, I am hungry.
My stomach crows like a bittleswack filthy dwarf can think of naught but his empty stomach.
I listen to my stomach, not the prattling of some dipshit elf. The fellowship weakens. Oh where is Thorga?
Cut to Thorgar sprints through the underbrush.
I must tur it, must fly.
Cut back to another blast of dragonfire against the boulder.
Time for a snack.
Gunt plunges his broadsword into a goblin hole in the ground. Tarnation.
Gunt, I told you not to stir up the goblins.
They feast on elf meat. A wave of raccoon sized goblins explodes from the hole.
They're climbing my hair.
The goblins chew Nathandriel's hair and strip the flesh from his bones. His skeleton clatters to the ground. Suddenly, the goblins go silent, then in an instant, disappear into the forest. The goblins they flee. What scares them from this place through the trees whistles a terrifying tune.
Horror horrors.
That be the bone flue of the terror Billy Bones. Any here is nightmare? Toon is off to the land of Shadow.
The Menadal's two heads explode, and a seven foot skeleton with a kingly crown upon his head dances out of the woods, singing his tune. Gunt screams and pain explodes. Hold on, so can we just stop for just a second. Who is Billy Bones?
Oh man?
This is pretty much the most evil creature you can ever imagine?
Well, I thought the dragon was the most evil creature.
That is a good point. Uh, second most evil creature you could ever possibly imagine.
Billy Bones is the second.
Billy Bones. Yeah, okay, he's pretty bad. So it's like he got bad, and then oh my god, the dragon less bad is here.
Okay, interior forest, same Billy Bones cackles and dances a jig. Then boom, he's hit with a fireball and bursts into flames. The dragon gore Buzzle, flies up into the night sky, his giant body silhouetted against the moon, and lets out a terrible cry of victory. Cut to interior Thorgar's house evening.
And number four is off there.
Thorgar climbs into his warm featherbed and snuggles up under the covers.
There's no place I'd rather.
Be than home.
Music swells, and so.
Our hero vowed to never leave his home again. What as anyone will tell you a man who is happy in his home as saying every dragon.
There is the end.
Fade to what happened with everyone? Okay, sorry, just to be clear, Thorgar said, wait a minute, hold the dragon.
Then he just goes home.
He left him there to die, so they all die. So the end of the movie is that the dragon wins. Thorgart wins. Does he finds the greatest treasure of all has been under his backside the whole time, and that's a home.
Doesn't it seem like and just feedback. If you're gonna have these cool characters Nathandriel, Gunt the Manadal, what you just killed them all off?
Yeah?
I kind of guess.
Got bored with him, Get him out of the way. And the thing is is that the hero of this thing is Thorgar, right and again, so it's a good point.
I just talk about the hero's journey for a minute. Sure, for a story like this to work, he has to learn something. He has to step up into his sort of heroic self. He has to grow internally to a place of you know, triumphant heroism. He has to battle his inner demons as well as his external demons and face them down and defeat them and know that he is bigger than he ever thought he could be. This story.
To that note, can I say something, Yeah, is not the greatest hero of all one who knows exactly what he wants?
Welcome home friend? Yeah, what do you think about that? Well? Yeah, I mean, look, this is the script that you wanted to write. Yeah, So all right, so that's what it is. And I think the next segment of the podcast is where we rate the script. We've given a few notes perfect. So I guess you know, we could say on a scale of yes, no, maybe, yes, yes, I'll go, I'll go.
Maybe I'm gonna say hard no, okay, hard no. You said there was three things I'd like to be a hard yes.
Then okay, I'm going to be a soft maybe.
Well hold on, So I guess saying the hard no is that kind of throws it?
No?
You know what, I'm a hard no, I'm an absolute, absolute no.
Why don't we instead of giving it I'm a rock hard yes?
Then then I'm a rock hard no.
So that diamond studded maybe.
Which sounds hard so hard maybe feels like a no to me?
What if we gave it numeric value? Because I think words sometimes.
The listener can hear that and they can focus on the number. So let's say scale one to ten. Okay, I am a ten five?
You know what? Zero?
Okay? That puts me.
It's fifteen not bad, hey.
Fifteen, it's right right down, right down Broadway.
The leader out the gate, baby, I guess by default everybody's chasing him.
Yeah, well this was a.
Thrill, guys. Then I think, oh boy, I'm really just thrilled to hear it out loud.
Thank you for joining us. Please come back next week to hear a new script from me. Hey can't wait, my first one out of the gate. Let's see if it beats a fifteen.
I doubt it. Well, we'll see any pretzels.
Uh No, they're gone. Okay, until next time. It's lights, camera action, but for writing.
