Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a cycle of doing things we don’t intentionally want to do and to make things worse, we think we’re incapable of breaking it. We may not have all the answers for you but this episode will surely have you questioning yourself, spending habits, why it happens and how do you keep track of it.
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Episode to seventy three, Why you keep self sabotaging your budget and how to stop. Welcome to the Frugal Friends podcast, where you'll learn to save money, embrace simplicity right, and liver with your life. Here your host Jen and Jill m h. Welcome to the Frugal Friends podcast. My name is Jen, my name is Jill, and today we are talking about budgeting and something that is near and dear to my heart, self sabotaging your budget. Because when I started budgeting, that's all I did was self sabotage my my perfect quote unquote perfect budget. Yeah, we we love to do it, like the thing we don't want to do, we do, and then we keep doing it. We wonder why, and then it can turn into a really awful cycle where we're down on ourselves and we think we're the worst and we're never going to be capable, and that's not true. But there is something too in in any of our behaviors, in any area of our life that we want to see improvement. Somehow things can interrupt or we can interrupt ourselves, and we don't have all the answers for you, but we're going to take a little bit of a look at why does this happen? Because you're not alone, this does happen for all of us. And what are some things that we can consider that are that are going to help us stay on the track of what we've identified is most helpful for our finances. Yeah, and so we're going to take the perspective of looking at some of the psychology behind it, looking at some of the areas you should probably be giving yourself grace that you might not, and some of the mistakes that can come from living in this self sabotage and and kind of internalizing it. So that's what we're talking about today. But first, this episode is brought to you by the Frugal Friends Club. So you you know about our private membership. So to celebrate the new year, to the new year, new you hype, we're going to offer a sale on Frugal Friends Club because why not, I mean, it's here, why not. We know motivation is high in January and falls off around February March, but we want you to stay motivated past the hype. We want you to stay motivated to your financial goals all year long. And that is the purpose of Frugal Friends Club. It's a community specifically for our listeners paying off debt, and it's filled with courses, challenges, expert interviews, and community that will help you pay off debt faster. Everything we put in there is meant to help you pay off debt faster. And if you have other financial goals, it also as a byproduct, helps with those. But that's kind of our mindset when we put something in there, and then it will also help you figure out what to do after. So remember when I finished paying off my debt, I was very clueless on what to do, like specifically what to do after. So we have Yeah, we have an amazing community in there with monthly accountability groups. Several members even go through our book club selections. It's so lovely. So if this sounds like something that could help you stay on track this year, had to Frugal Friends podcast dot com slash club to see everything in there and get in on the sale that we're running through January ten. See it in there. Who So, if budgeting is really something that you are focusing on right now, we definitely we definitely have resources for you in the Frugal Friends Club, but we also have a ton of other free resources via the podcast. So a few episodes you might want to queue up for after this our episode two thirty seven, which is Kakipo the Japanese Art of Mindful Budgeting, and then episode one Psychological Tricks for sticking to a budget. Those are probably my two favorite budgeting episodes, so to seven and one really good ones to queue up for after this. But let's let's get into talking about self sabotage. Jill, where are we're heading? Where are we going? So this first article comes from the Motley Fool and titled six Ways to stop Sabotaging your finances, although they actually go into six ways that you are sabotaging your finances or we are sabotaging. I'll say we because I'm not trying to point fingers here. I'm a part of this. It's uh I, I fall victim to the holiday spending. So it's going through what are some of the things that kind of interrupt our best laid plans? But then what can we replace it with? So well, go through all six. The first one, the first thing that we can do to sabotage our financial goals and best laid plans is not having best laid plans. You know, it, it's called not budgeting. So and they reference a debt dot com survey that showed that thirty three percent of Americans do not budget their money, although nine percent believe that everyone should. So you've got you've got a bit of a gap there, and honestly, I would imagine it's higher than that, although that's a lot of people. And then even when we do set a budget, whether or not we're looking at it, paying attention to it, following it is a whole other ball game. You know. We also describe budgeting as a spending plan, So if that's a more approachable term for making a plan for your money, then sure, call it whatever you want to call it. But we're not going to do very well if we don't actually know what we're doing, if we've not assigned a task for our money, or know how much is going coming in or going out. So instead of not budgeting, we could try creating a spending plan, creating a budget and viewing it as a tool in order to meet our goals. Again, Jen mentioned all the different a few different episodes that you could queue up. If this is your particular area of sabotage to your finances, is just like not doing it, not having the motivation, feeling like it's going to be strict and stringent, all of these things that kind of rail against this thing that we know we should be doing. Look at some different alternatives to maybe what you have in mind as what a budget looks like. It does not have to be a strict spreadsheet that details things down to the penny. There is so much freedom and flexibility in this. But having some sort of plan is going to help us not sabotage. Yeah, and it doesn't have to be a restrictive plan. You know that we love to make a you know, a guilt free, values based budget. That's and I think so this leads into number two. The second self sabotage is building an impossible budget. I know this was my problem because I looked at numbers on a screen and I said, and I wrote them down, and I said, this is the perfect budget. This is what I should be spending on this, this, this is what I have to spend on this, this, and so this is what I should have left over. And this was a budget for an ideal person, not a budget for me, not for where I was at. And so doing that and failing at it, month after month led me to stop budgeting. And so I was trying to create these impossible budgets, which just led me to not budget at all. And so I think those two can go hand in hand more than we think. And the thing to do instead is to create a flexible budget. Is too we see them so like we hear zero based budget and you know, fifty budget. We think we have to stick to these things, these models that other people have made, when really you just want to have a plan for your spending and life always finds a way to interrupt your best laid plans, and so finding ways to navigate that. We had a I forget which challenge it was that we did in the membership, but like I think it was for goals that we had people identify, like, Okay, they're going to be roadblocks for you, you know, creating these habits to get to these goals. Think of them now, and think of ways you can go around them, like just just anticipate them. Think of them now. You know, if you go back and look at your last ninety days of transactions and look at the ones that you wish you hadn't made, that's a roadblock. Look at that and figure out what was what was something that I could have said or done differently so that I could have avoid spending this money that I really didn't want to spend. So just do that in advance. Yeah, and this next one is kind of connected to that idea of what you're saying, Jen. Another area that we can sabotage ourselves is not saying no. It's kind of like a double negative, but the inability to say no usually well to both ourselves and others. I can really identify with this one, particularly when it comes to something that seems really fun, like if you throw a fun an activity at me, It is very hard to say no to myself for others. And I'm not advocating for deprivation here, but I think this is an area that can really, like truly sabotage what we've said we wanted to do, and it doesn't have to I have tried to challenge myself to find a way to be able to say yes to whatever is exciting me, but no to the interruption of financial goals that it might mean. So like, for instance, there have been many times when it's not difficult to like try and get me to go out to eat cooking sometimes feels like overwhelming, and I like going out to eat. But some weeks it's not in the meal plan, it's not in the spending plan, it's just not there. But there are many times where Eric is very successful and just hey, let's go hit up a heavy hour, like let's tell you know, oh, I gotta run to loads, But of course ends up taking like two or three hours instead of the fifteen minutes he thought. And now I'm hungry, and so yes, it's easy for me to say, yes, let's go out to eat. But and I'm not saying that this happens perfectly every time. Sometimes I just do. I give in, and I sabotage in some small ways the thing that I said that I wouldn't do. But I have found in some conditions like this happy medium where I'm able to kind of create that pause of oh, I'm excited about that I don't have to deprive myself of the entire thing. But what is a good like negotiation here, what's a good compromise? And so there have been times where Okay, yes I would love to go out, but let's eat the dinner that I've prepared and just go have a drink out, or let's eat here, and let's just get out of the house. Let's go on a scooter ride, let's go on a walk, let's go do whatever it is. It doesn't have to be that I don't do something or I don't have fun. But it doesn't have to mean that I'm spending a ton of money that I didn't plan or want to spend. And that's also connected to what we talk about regularly of values based spending and so the kind of what to do instead here in that when we recognize that inability to say no to ourselves, I think the biggest piece and they reference this in the article, is creating a pause, just an opportunity to reflect and process doesn't have to be very long. We're not talking about getting our journal out and sitting with quiet music for an hour, but thinking, oh, okay, what's happening here? What is it that is causing me to want to spend this money? Is it aligned with my value? Is it actually something I need or want or has been on my radar or priority list for a while, or is it not? Is it totally peripheral. I'm going to be really bummed in a week when I look back at this expenditure that this happened, and is there an alternative? Is there some way that I can engage in this while maybe spending as much or spending at all, and still get the thing that like, the fun piece, the connection with others, you name it. Yeah. Absolutely, It's this hard balance between saying no and not depriving yourself, right, Like we love no spend challenges, which at their core really seem to be depriving because we're saying, actually, don't spend money on anything, whether you value it or not, just for a month. But it's in order to get clarity on really the priorities of what you value. If you have an income that where you can afford everything you value, that is fantastic, that is the goal is to create that, But not all of us are there yet, and so on the way there. While you are achieving other financial goals, there are always going to be some values and things you love that lose out to higher value things and higher value goals. And I think that's where we say we want to say yes as much as possible, as long as it's within the parameters of that plan. Yeah, yeah, I mean we have to prioritize that what else in life can we say yes to every single thing and it actually go well or be beneficial. So there will have to be even in the midst of identifying our values, prioritizing what am I going to tackle first, what's going to take precedent here? Yeah, and even in the cases where you can afford everything, eventually everything then becomes less meaningful and what it's gonna say, meaningless, but like less meaningful when you are forced to choose, the thing that you choose automatically becomes more special. And so that's not like a way that we kind of want to like live our lives, but it can be some solace to know that when you choose everything, like when you're in that spending mode where you're just spending on everything, then then nothing is really meaningful. But when you're making these intentional choices, the things you say yes to are more special. Maybe that's somehow encouraging. Probably not in the moment, but just sit with it. We'll see. Uh. Number four is caring what other people think? This is Yeah. Again, I feel personally like I could have written this because one of the things that kept me spending was not so much caring what people think, but just caring about being their fomo. Honestly, it was like fear of missing out. It wasn't even necessarily what they thought of me, but it did depend. I mean it was kind of I didn't want other people having fun experiences and then hear about it later, so it was still like other people oriented. So it can be I think this can go to either way, and it's why finding your values and maybe we should have switched up this weekend, next week or next episode the next one's about Maus whoops. But it's really important to go on the difficult journey of figuring out who you are and what you want and what you value, so that you can know, am I is this what I want? Or am I being influenced by somebody else? Or am I like kind of quasi trying to impress this person or have the same experiences that make sure they don't experience something fun that I didn't. So that you can get to the point where you stop caring. Earlier in life, I'm there, Yeah, I hit that I'm a little concern for what the rest of life is gonna look like, because I don't think you're supposed to like truly stop ring until you're like in your sixties, but it's happened in my thirties, So stay tuned. There's always more room to care less that I believe that, Uh yeah, And there's a reason that there's a term for this type of scenario of keeping up with the Joneses. But the reality is that it always will fall flat. If that's the aim, it will never be achieved, or when it is, when that target is hit, if that's the target, it will quickly shift to a new target, And there is very little actual personal fulfillment in that. Again, we we all can fall into this or sabotage ourselves in this way and and want things that other people have or want to be perceived in a certain way. But I think challenging ourselves to have a deeper aim in the way that we live our life, which connects to how we spend our money, is ultimately what's going to be most fulfilling. We need to have deeper, more anchored aims than just what is the person next to me doing. Yeah. So the next one in the way that we can sabotage ourselves is by making spending easy really just not having many boundaries or parameters or barriers to spending making and I'm talking primarily impulse spending, because we all spend money, and no part of us is advocating for never spending and never buying things and never doing fun stuff. So but when we don't have many barriers in place or tethers on our ability to spend again, it lowers the barrier to entry for some of those impulse purchases. And this can happen to any one of us, and the article kind of for inces this example. This might not be for everyone, but helpful to kind of understand. When we have our debit cards or credit cards already entered into whatever website, whether it's Amazon or a place that we regularly schedule or shop at online, it already has that information. We don't have to go find our credit cards or type it all in again. It's just yet put it in the shopping cart and one click by and done. That can make it really easy for us to late night when all of our decision making fatigue has caught up with us and our guards are down and we're just scrolling and buying and scrolling and buying. And so if that's you, one of the things that that can be done is first of all, not make it so easy to get to those sites on your phone. So if if that's like a late night thing that's happening, instead put a block on on those maybe don't have those apps down did on your phone, or find some way to interrupt your habit of picking up your phone after ten pm and scrolling those sites or put and all of these habits are going to need to be replaced with something. It's not a matter of just cutting it out, it's what am I going to do instead? And so could there be a game that you're playing on your phone instead of shopping? Could there be a book that you read instead of shopping, Like find other things that are going to keep you entertained rather than just the shopping piece. They also reference in this article paying cash that for me is not the answer, it could be for you. So I'm mentioning it because for some people it feels like a bigger barrier to have to spend cash on something. They actually feel it coming out of their wallets in that way. For me, when I spend cash, I just feel like, oh, there's no law all of this, it's fair game, Like spend it however you want to. Because you're never going to see it again. So whatever it is for you identifying, how have you potentially made spending easy and in what ways can you create barriers? I know we've talked about even with emails, the unroll me site that you can sign up for and it kind of compiles all of the different email lists that you're on, and so you're not consistently being bombarded with all these ads and marketing techniques that sometimes you might impulse spend on. So there's all sorts of technology and things that we can implement ourselves to interrupt this kind of thoughtless, mindless impulse purchasing. Yeah, no spending after nine Just try that rule. Try that rule on for size. Once nine PM hits, we're not buying anything. Uh. And then the last one on this list that we will just go throughefe because why do we really have to reiterate this is your self sabotage number six, failing to imagine the future. Because you will, on average live till eighties something and on average you will only work until sixty three. So the average person and I know, like mom said, you're special, but like she was probably average too, and you're probably all average you know, so like, just plan to live into your eighties plan. No one's pointing fingers, we are all I'm looking at myself, like I can see myself in the in the video camera as I say this, and I'm looking at myself and saying your average jen, So stop stop thinking you're going to die in your fifties, and so just say you need to. And the point of that is is that you need to be putting savings for retirement into your plan. There, if you are old enough to be able to queue up this podcast and listen to it with the attention span to listen all the way through, then you are old enough to invest for retirement. And that's even Yeah, no, absolutely you are. Even if you're not eighteen yet, there's still ways that you can start doing that. So yeah, it is never too early. You save money on retirement the earlier you start. So if you're really looking for ways to save money from this podcast, here's a good one, start investing earlier. And now for the next article. So our next one is from Well and Good and it's five sneaky ways your mind sabotages you're spending and these are really short, so we'll go through them quickly, because it's more of a less like actionable steps and more of like, here's some places to give yourself grace or here's my places you might want to dig into. Yeah, and my disclaimer is, first of all, the word sneaky in this title I have to disagree with, like, none of these are that sneaky, and you'll kind of see why as we go through them. But also the purpose of well, our intention in talking about this article is to continue to challenge us towards curiosity about self, which can lead to greater understanding of self, which can lead to creating systems, habits, mindsets around the things that we know to be true about who we are and create an individualized plan that is aimed at well being and freedom and helps us in our finances. So a lot of this article, at least when I read it, can come across as just like, oh, and here's a problem, and here's a problem, and here's a problem. The titles are the titles are abrasive that I felt offended right without much way of like, okay, but what do we do about this? And so that's where we your fellow frugal friends will kind of fill in the blanks, but I think some of these are worth noting because we are whole people and a lot of these mental, emotional, relational things that are identified in this article are accurate. While come across abrasive, It's worth identifying them so that you could take a deeper dive on the things that feel relevant for you and how understanding that more might help you in your financial decisions. Yeah. So I'm not even gonna read the ones that the titles that they wrote. I'm just gonna write the one read the ones that Jill rewrote. So number one is your attachment style impacts your relationship with money? And I was unfamiliar with attachment styles, um, but apparently they are how you relate to others, so secure, avoidant, anxious, disorganized. If you recognize one of those or multiples in your relationship with others, those have a direct effect on how you relate to money. So uh, this doctor says each attachment style may respond from that desire to avoid discomfort. And I feel like a lot. I mean, even if you don't have what this article calls an insecure attachment style, that's offensive. I'm very secure. I'm very secure in my negative attachment styles. Thank you. I really some of our spending is to avoid discomfort, I think, and so I've found that like very eye opening that if you can identify something in your relationships, then it's very likely that it's going to have some impact in your money. So to fill in the blanks a little bit more attachment styles that it is research done by psychiatrists and psychoanalysts John Bowlby who identified various attachment styles and children to their parents or caregivers. So the four different attachment styles that you listed anxious, avoidant, disorganized, secure, those are the four attachment styles identified by Bowlby that happens and occurs as children. And it is particularly related to the way that we've attached to our parent or caregiver and it has to do with how they how they responded to us in childhood and what that instilled in us and our understanding of relationships. And so this these different attachment styles than most research points to the fact that you're you're really not going to change in attachment style. Whatever was instilled in you as a child is the attachment style that you're living with. It Again, I don't want to not have room for hope here or that we can't learn more about ourselves or operate aimed at health within those attachment styles. But whatever is instilled in us as far as attachment to our parents or caregiver can then bear weight an impact on our relationships and behaviors into adulthood. So this isn't like I don't want to say, oh zero, focus in on attachment style and make all of your financial decisions around that or any other aspect of life. But if this sounds curious to you, of mm, I wonder what my attachment style is, what what was learned for me in response to my parent or caregiver, and how does that impact my relationships. Certainly this is the curiosity with self, the understanding of ourselves that will help us in the way that we relate, and of course it bears impact on our behaviors. The article doesn't go into much depth about what that's going to mean, and I would say understanding our attachment style will first and foremost help us in relationships and our relationship with ourselves, But then peripheral impact can be our relationship with money and the decisions and behaviors that occur in us as a result of that. So just a quick side note on attachments. I'm thank you for giving that explanation because that's super fascinating. I had I had never never heard of this before. My my clinical licensure is surfacing here in this That's why we pay you the big books, because you've got those letters. Okay, number two, this one is so so true. We've talked about this a lot. Is our emotions and that includes being disregulated can impact our money decisions. I don't love how the article only focuses on disregulated emotions. I think we move and out of being regulated and disregulated, and both can bear weight and do bear weight on the money decisions that we make. We don't only make poor money decisions when we're disregulated. We can also make poor money decisions when we're regulated. But recognizing what happens for us when we are in either state, whether feeling really kind of lacking control in our emotions, or feeling really down or sad, or feeling really elated and happy and on top of the world, all of these things can impact what we choose to do with our money. We've talked about this in depth, so I'm not going to say much more than that, other than it's worth looking at and maybe even keeping a journal, keeping a law recognizing, oh, when I'm feeling this way, here's what I'm likely to do. Is that beneficial for me? Great, let's keep doing that, is it not? What could I replace that with? Absolutely? Number three is neuro divergences that need to be considered. So that's an umbrella term for any all variations including a d h D, autism, Asperger's dyslexia, epilepsy, hyperlexia, o c D, direct the Yeah, so a lot all right, And there are a lot more people that have neuro divergences, whether even slightly, that do impact how you budget and you don't even realize it. And so I think having that's one of the important parts of really figuring out yourself and doing kind of that deep work, so that if you have kind of tendencies towards one of these, even if it's undiagnosed, but maybe you just see something. And I'm mostly talking about a d h D. I think there's a lot more people that have that just because of the you know, an environmental like environmental situation is just so ripe for creating that it looks. I think a lot of people kind of can tend towards that, and so learning from that and giving yourself grace in the way you budget. It doesn't mean you can't budget, it doesn't mean you are incapable of budgeting. It means you you should budget differently. Uh, And a lot of that means a little bit more flexibility in your budget, and I think all of us need more flexibility in our budget. But just definitely having more grace for yourself if you do tend towards one of these divergences. Yeah, whether neuro divergent or neurotypical. It's important to understand our personal makeup and the way that we make decisions, the way we view the world around us, how that impacts our behaviors. It's important for all of us, and I think giving the permission to create, particularly when we're talking about finances, a system that includes and recognizes those aspects of ourselves, not trying a one size fits all, because one size does not fit all. I think T shirt companies are recognizing that now. And so whatever you know about yourself, not putting that aside and trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole, but incorporating that. How does my knowledge about whatever it is that I know about myself, whether it's one of the neuro divergences that Jen listed or something else or not even under that category. Whatever, We're all humans, and so what does that inform me about how I can be kind to myself in my approach to finances while also not ignoring it? Right, not going to either extreme of oh well because of this, I'm not capable at all, or because of this I yeah, you name it. It could go in either direction. But utilizing this knowledge and information to inform and create systems that are kind to you around finances. And next number four is our own manipulation of ourselves is one of the things that can lead to sabotage of money. I don't I don't love this terminology, like I don't love the term manipulation. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but it sounds quite negative that we're like manipulating ourselves. I don't think a lot of it is on purpose or is like maniacal or or tiv Yeah, but I think I think maybe a better way to define this would be what's realistic or not realistic? In what ways are we maybe thinking something is going to happen? This might be like fantastical thinking versus what's reality, or creating something I know that we mentioned in that first article, creating something that's completely unrealistic, not not something that's possible for us or desired even Uh, this can be either give some examples of like oh, I'll do I'll do that later, or I'll i'll totally budget when X y Z happens. And I don't think that's manipulation. That might be just like thinking something is going to be true that isn't true, Maybe having a fantastical view of ourselves and what we're gonna do or what we're capable of, and not actually looking at, well, what are my patterns of behaviors and what could I reasonably expect to get done in the next week, Or is it true that tomorrow I'll do the budget or is it better that I'll do it right now? Carve out space as I'm thinking about it. So just kind of yeah, I guess that there's a possibility that we kind of like trick ourselves. But I think it's just a matter of looking at what's reasonable, what's realistic, and not continuing to find ourselves in this cycle of telling ourselves something's going to happen when it when it's not going to happen, and maybe even we know full well it's not going to happen. So just taking a little bit more of a realistic approach with ourselves. Yeah, it's like selective rationalization. It's here saying you're gonna it's definitely, I'm going to do this tomorrow. I'll just fall asleep tonight. I'll track today's and tomorrow's transactions tomorrow. It's this is what it sounds like. But I think when it comes to the first sentence was like, it's important to be aware when someone else is attempting to manipulate you. And I know this is talking about self, but I think a lot of our manipulation is like super well intentioned. Honestly, most most manipulation is like just the people around us wanting what they think is best for us. Uh, And we can take some of that on and internalize it and kind of create that in ourselves and want what other people think is best for us, when really we should be doing a little more realistic rationalization. Okay, what is best for me? So just a little addition to that. And then the last one is you're still embracing learned behaviors that no longer serve you. This was the only one that I thought was not abrasive. But so this kind of I think, I guess, ties a little bit into the attachment styles, but is focused on things that you can change. So they're saying our upbringing around finances and money greatly affects our spending habits in the future. For example, if you're raised by people who had insecure attachment styles, you likely picked up on their spending habits. For me, it was my mom always, every every weekend, we went to the mall. Like shopping was a hobby, it was an activity, and so that was the way we bonded. And if we wanted to bond, we went to the mall. And that when I became an adult, and I think about this every Black Friday too, because my favorite part of Thanksgiving was not the meal. It was planning the Black Friday shopping route and sale acquisition of sale items. That was the best part for me. And nobody is surprised if you know me and and that habit, that behavior no longer serves me in adulthood, and it was a kind of a little difficult to let go of. It was it took my job actually requiring me to work every Black Friday for five years. That broke me of it. So thank you Greg, Thank you Greg. So yeah, like there are these things and you can accept that. Like when I was younger, Black Friday, you know, strategic shopping was very fun and it served me in that way and it no longer serves me today. And so I can be happy about what I did and when I did it and still change and create different behaviors today without feeling guilty about the past, without losing anything in the present or future. Yeah, I mean just recognizing cycles and patterns of behavior and where to interrupt them. Sometimes it can help us even draw it out, like literally draw out a circle and identify like where does it start, what happens next, what happens next, what happens next, what's the end? How does it then get back into the cycle again? And then once we have that written out around the circle, identifying where can this be interrupted? At what point do I want to interrupt it? And and and with what can I interrupt it and just begin practicing changing and shifting some of those learned behaviors. You know how I love to interrupt you when you are just on this like rampage of wisdom with something that doesn't need to be shifted or changed the week. That's right, it's time for the best minute of your entire week. Maybe a baby was born and his name is Williams. Maybe you paid off your mortgage, maybe your car died, and you're happy to not have to pay that bill anymore. That's bill Buffalo Bills, Bill Clint, this is the bill of the week. This has come from Florida. And a few months ago I applied to have my p m I removed. So my house had gained quite a bit of equity in the last housing bump. So this past month was the first month that I didn't have to pay p m I on a fairly new mortgage. And so that's a hundred and twenty dollars a month. But I'm going to continue to just keep paying it against the principal, so MUCKs additional d of the principle over the life of Alane will be another seventy four grand, So I'm pretty happy about that. Thanks. Yes, Tim from Florida. This is amazing well done. I mean that that p m I. That's one of those things that once it's rolled in near mortgage many people can forget about. But the fact that you remembered it and you were able to get rid of it, it sounds like before when you thought you could because the value of your home increased, which is amazing. So it's it's something. There's just tip for all housing in Florida to be more. Really, yeah, take a look at But then how wise of you to keep paying what you were used to paying towards your mortgage and applying that what you were paying to p m I to the principle instead and the difference that's going to make for you in the long run. That's just you've just hacked some housing, right there. Tim from Florida, Well done. Yeah, I love this because p m I, especially right now when it's not advantageous to refinance, but so many housing values have gone up to where so many people can get p m I off and you can make the decision. I can either like stopped, you know, buying lattes and save a d twenty dollars a month, or I can just look at this one simple thing that I didn't even know existed, or that I could remove and just take it off and I can buy all my Latte's and save the same amount and not think about it. It's so easy. And I will say that sometimes you will have to pay for an inspection not inspection appraisal to do that if you're not refinancing. Honestly, it's a lot cheaper. It's like five versus closing costs for refinancing. But you would you would make that out ideally if the interest rates weren't crazy. So if you think your mortgage has gone up, check Zillo and then take a little bit off of that because Zillo is very generous. See if you have that twenty equity, I think I think they might require maybe just a smidge over, they'll automatically take it off. I think it at of the loan paid off, But that doesn't necessarily mean you have to pay off of the loan to get p m I removed. You have to have that of equity. So if your house price has gone up, check it. You may be able to get p m I off and have those latta's. I love that. If you are listening and you're similar to Tim from Florida, just hack in housing and getting rid of p m I and paying down principle, or you're like Jen who is just concerned about getting her lattes and no one yelling at her. Whatever your bill is, send it to us. Really, truly, we've ripped through a lot of our bills now and we need more. So Frugal Friends Podcast, Calm Slash Bill. Leave us your bill. You won't be waiting in the wings for six months anymore. Yeah, this is not something we thought about when we went to two episodes a week. This was an oversight and we need your help. We need your bills. We do need your bills. And now it's time for heatening round all right. So today in the Vulnerability Lightning Vulnerability Lightning p P, how do you divert yourself away from self sabotaging behaviors. Let's give the people some real world, actionable tips. Let's give them something to talk about. Let's give him something to do. Okay, this, here's this good Jill Uh. This one took a lot of thought for me. I really had to think through like what what could be myself sabotaging? And did mention this already? So but it's this is true for me? Bears repeating, yeah, I do. Pause. I have kind of formed so much of a habit of this that I don't truly hardly notice it anymore. But if I think about my behaviors, I pause when it comes to spending. Whether I'm at home and shopping online or out in a store, I do regularly check in with myself to determine how I'm feeling about making the purchases, whether I feel like it's a good decision, if it's actually something that is on the list or is truly going to solve a problem, or if it's in the spending plan like and that pause. Many times that check in is yep, good to go, keep moving forward. But there are plenty of times too where that pause makes me realize, yeah, I'm I'm feeling uneasy about this. I'm feeling kind of uncertain about springing for this item that wasn't on the list. It kind of just caught my eye. I don't actually think I'm gonna be like thrilled that I bought this when I get home or when it arrives at my doorstep, and okay, let's take it out of the cart. That can still create more pauses of now how am I feeling now that it's not in my cart anymore? But this I think has been something and I can't totally say when this fully solidified for me as a habit, but now that it's kind of just become part of my regular practices, I think it's a huge thing that has helped me in my finances. Maybe in our after show I'll talk about how that can swing the other way. I realized this, I wanted to talk with you about it, Okay, I can't wait to hear um for me. I think, so I have to kind of two things. So the first is, now that we're doing more home renovations, were buying a lot more on Amazon. So before, like my the way I diverted myself was I just like didn't go like I didn't have the app. I just stayed off and I would you know, I would play solitaire or something instead. But now I kind of have to be there, and so I have been kind of doing not a thirty day rule, but like putting things in my car into leaving them there for like a very long time to make sure that I still want them, to make sure I can't find them second hand or for free on the buy nothing group. So that has been kind of my first one UM. And then the second, I think my most kind of self My most destructive spending behavior is definitely like fast food. It's just been a habit since since I became a mom, honestly that I have picked up. Like I never did fast food before I had a child, and I was a vegetarian, so it was just like not the only place I could really go would was Taco Bell and that's not fast food. That's that's fast Mexican. Uh so I doesn't count and and so so this is actually like my biggest struggle right now is actually this one, and it's the one that I'm really having trouble overcoming. So I am buying more snacks like snack bars, because especially in pregnancy, like hunger will just come over me, but the will to make food does not come over me at the same time. And so having like kind bars or r X bars or like bars has been something that has been helpful for me. And I'll keep dried fruit in my glove compartment because that can stay in my hot car and not get gross. So yeah, that has been those tactics nice. Yeah. Yeah. And here's the thing too, at least for you, Jen for right now. Again, I think life has lived in seasons and I think recognizing what that means for you right now and giving some space for it, maybe even starting to put it into the budget for now, because not only are you a mom of a toddler, but you're pregnant. So I don't anticipate that what you're describing is going to last super long. But you're extra tired and you have extra demands on you and your body. That okay, So like, what if more convenience foods are necessary for the next three months, what could that mean for me? And how could I make decisions that feel like more healthy for me but still allows room for convenience, Like I just I still think that there's space for this. Like we're not static, you know, right, And the bars are kind of my like compromise to be like I really shouldn't be, you know, going to McDonald's and Chick fil A as frequently as I am. I want to have more like nutritious foods, but I also don't expect myself to meal prep like I once did in my heyday. So oh girl, yes had did. And that day, that day is over the golden years. The sun has set on that day. The sun might rise again when all of your children are like able to wipe themselves. Oh gosh, what a dream. You've put hope in my heart. I'm so glad. I hope, I hope we put hope in all of your hearts today, and just at least motivation for curiosity about yourself and how the makeup of who you are impacts your spending and ways in which you can tailor your spending and your money decisions around that. Thank you so much for listening, And just a friendly reminder from the Frugal Friends that we got a Frugal Friends club, which is like, I just love saying that is the word club. The word club is one of my favorite words. It's on sale. The sale is on if you want to know what kind of success are members are having. Here's one of our favorite wins we saw this past year comes from Wendy who said, we saved six hundred dollars thanks to last night's group and the challenge checklist. We do not have to buy a new dishwasher yet. My husband and I didn't know there was a filter to clean L O L. Now to fix the dryer. Oh man. These simple things that we learn when we're in club and in community and in relationship with other people we might not have realized before, and it saved Wendy six d dollars and who knows what it did for her dryer stay too, joined the club Masker. You don't know the questions to ask until you get into community with other people who are asking those questions, and that's what we do in the Frugal Friends Club. So congrats Wendy. If you want to check out all of the courses, the interviews, the challenge, the groups, the club, head to Frugal Friends Club. We should buy that you are L to Frugal Friends podcast dot com, slash club. Get in the club until we buy that you are L. We'll see you at the other one by Frugal Friends is produced by Eric sirianni Okay Jen. I realized this recently. I don't even it feels like this could potentially be a whole episode, but there might actually not be much more to say than what I'm about to say. But one of the downsides of frugality for me hot take has been my now realization of the pressure to make wise decisions every single time with my money. I think you know, when I define frugality as being wise, good stewards of all of our resources. It's a beautiful definition and I love it and it serves me well. But what I'm what I've been realizing in myself is this underlying pressure to always be making the best decision, and it can sometimes, uh like be debilitating of Okay, I'm about to pull the trigger on this thing, But is that the best most wise stewardship of this resource? Am I doing this in the best possible way? Could I have gotten the second hand? If I had tried hard or done more? Could I have found a deal or a coupon? Could I have hacked this more? It's like and that this might not be everyone's experience. I'm just realizing that, especially as you've mentioned being in renovations, Like I'm spending a lot of money right now, money I have set aside money that is there to be spent on the particular things that I'm spending it on. But even in that, it's like, am I getting this vanity for the best Am I getting the best possible vanity for the best possible deal so that I can be the best possible steward of this thing? Because I have a reputation coming there. I knew we were going there. Yeah, to myself too, not just my reputation to all my frugal friends listeners, but like to myself, like I don't want I don't want to lose this, but sometimes it can feel overwhelming. Sorry, what we're gonna say. Do you remember at the beginning of the episode when I said, there's always room to care less and you have a lot of room to go Jill, Okay, okay, you've got a lot to stop caring. And I think it's like we all we hear all the time that are our listeners and our frugal friends, their favorite thing about us is the relatability. And we don't expect our listeners to make the best possible decision every time, and ultimately what is best in the moment, time may tell that in the long run it was actually not the best. To say, so, there is no way you are ever going to make the best decision unless you are like a psychic, like every single time. Yeah, it's just way it is the flip side of me, or the way that the pendulum can swing. When I talk about that pause that I've created and how that has served me, well, what can also come with that pause? Are all of those thoughts like, oh, well, could I have gotten yeah, you name it, like could there have been a way that I could have gotten a better deal on this? Or is this actually the thing that I want to be purchasing and so like. But yet if I did that every time and I researched to like the n teenth degree, all of these things like movement and progress wouldn't be made either. Like, it does come a point where okay, you kind of try a few different things and it might not be exhausted, but you just you gotta pull the trigger, yeah, and and give up the need to make the perfect decision. Just give it up. And I got to hold onto an educated we'll see what a guess is all our decisions are? Yeah, okay, yeah, well thanks Jan