Fearlessly Failing with Lola BerryMeet chicken, aka Leisel Jones.
I’m so rapt to have her on the podcast, we’ve been mates for about 10 years now. When we both lived in Sydney we used to take each other to work events, i loved it because she’s so down to earth and real, we’d have a laugh at some of the “fake dingos” as i’d call them.
Best of all she wouldn’t judge me when i’d need to walk barefoot in and out of events (i’m horrible in high heels).
She’s a breath of fresh air, so real and open about everything. Leisel qualified for the Australian Olympic swim team at the age of 14, she’s competed in 4 olympics where she set multiple world records and she’s taken home 9 olympic medals for Australia. She’s got an autobiography called Body Lengths which i cannot speak highly enough of, pop it on your Christmas reading list - put simply it is mind blowing, she opens up about not just the highs but also her darker times.
These darker times we explore in the podcast, trigger warning we discuss suicide and depression. Leisel is honest about things that make her feel happy and what she does to deal with the dark moments when they arise. She even says taking breaks from social media is a key element to supporting her mental health. Leisel has always been a very close friend and solid rock (and fellow virgo) in my life. In fact as i write this blurb i’m sitting at the retreat Gaia in Byron Bay hinterland, where i also come here with Leisel a few years ago.
This is a friend i hope i have for life because she’s just one of the real souls that are pretty rare. I hope you enjoy listening to this episode as much as i did chatting with the awesome Leisel Jones (chicken).
Big Love
Lola x
Follow Lola Berry on Instagram: @yummololaberry
& Leisel Jones: @leisel_jones
And don't forget to Subscribe!
Get a I'm Laala Berry, nutritionist, author, actor, TV presenter, and professional oversharer. This podcast is all about celebrating failure because I believe it's a chance for us to learn, grow and face our blind spots. Each week, I'll interview a different guest about their highs as well as their lows, all in a bid to inspire us to fearlessly fails. Hello, dear gangles, Now I am bringing you an episode from the archives. One of my first ever fearlessly failing guests. It is none other than Lisal Jones, four time Olympian, nine Olympic medals, author, incredible book called Body Lengths, also one of the hosters at the right word for It of Radio Triple M Rush Hour Plus. On top of that, I'm pretty sure he's don't agree a full degree in psychology. Lisa and I when we both lived in Sydney used to go to events together and.
We'd beat We're both virgos. We'd beat each other's like.
Wingmen essentially a wing women for events because we'd both be like, oh, this is going to be a full on, but we'd be able to have a cackle about it together and just like have a laugh and laugh at ourselves and have the best time. So I wanted to bring this episode out again because a lot of you missed it because it was one of the first episodes I think it was like, came out in the first couple of months of Feels Failing, Launch so Launching. So this was recorded three years ago, but to this day it is still hands down one of my favorite episodes ever.
Trigger warning here as well.
We talk a lot about body image, we talk a lot about mental health, and there is suicide talking here as well. Not talk, but like Lisel opens up loads about her I think she really opens up in depth and quite graphically about an experience that she had at a really dark moment of her life. Lisel to this day is always such a sweet soul that even checks in on me when even though we don't live anywhere near each other nowadays. And I'm so proud of you, Chicken that's our nickname for each other as you're here, and I just it's an honor to have you back on the podcast, albeit a rerun.
I just hope you.
Guys get to enjoy the magic that is Lisel Jones today in this episode. Now Your Monday Epps It'll either be this like a favorite special that will come out, or I've got three people that I'm just trying to lock down in America, but it's tricky to get them locked down.
There's a lot of.
Drama going on in LA at the moment, with not just the Fighter's Stripe but also SAG Strike. Lot's going on in LA, which means a lot of things are up in the air. But I am so honored and proud and excited to bring you this episode with the beautiful Lisel Jones.
Okay, we're already laughing.
This is like bucket list moment because when this podcast existed, I was like, I've got to get chicken on.
Yeah, who is chicken? My name is Lethal Jones. I'm a full time Olympian nine time.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, okay, let's talk about some of that stuff because that's what Australia knows you as the Golden Girl, Lethal Lisel. I heard it commentator say so last night, Dad and I were watching all these old YouTube not old, but YouTube clips from like would it be the two thousand qualifiers?
Probably I would have been fourteen? Baby, did you paint your nail?
Yeah?
Well I had to just tacked myself somehow because I was only fourteen, so I was super nervous and everyone's watching at home, so I'll destroying myself and like I so.
I can't believe I'm about to admit this to you.
I was watching that video and I started crying because I was like, someone puts so much of their life into and also I.
Am invested in you.
You and I have known each other for quite a while now, and we've.
Got some pretty fun memories. We've got we really good memories. And that's the problem. I think when we catch up, there's just too much going on for us to we get We.
Be gossiping for like the last half an hour, and we're like, let's put the mics on because and I'm like, oh my god, this thing. We'll save it for the party. So I hope you guys get to enjoy this and get to hear someone that there's such a true friendship here that's years old.
Many many years. And I think we will have to apologize now because we will talk over each other. So I do apologize if I lolla off, and I'm sure, yeah, it's just it will be a very fast paced conversation. So you will have to keep up, but we will not respect each other's end of sentences.
We're also both Virgos, very.
Much so and fully in Virgo.
Yeah, all your signs all Virgo berger Berg.
I'm pretty sure. I haven't had my chart read, but I'm pretty sure.
So I'm full Virgo and my boyfriend Matt is full Virgo.
But I've got one.
One part of my sign is in Scorpio, and I'm like, oh, that makes such a fire. That makes a lot of sense to me, absolutely so inside I like it, but it would.
Be interesting to see what what my is it? Venus rising, Yeah, so it's got to be when you're born, so they do like every planet and also like your moon rising sunrising, so your sun rising is Virgo. That's right.
And then there's anyway, there's so much we'll find. We could go into astrologer. Feel free to write in yes, if you would like to contact us. I would like my chart red please so I can actually see what's going on. But funny enough, and this is a total rabbit hole. We started off at Sydney two thousand hour in astrology, which we both love, but just.
Watching I've really obsessed with YouTube. Tarot readings. Really lately, I've done some clips I will there's been a Virgo season, well it's Libra season as we're recording in October now October it is Libra season. But for us Virgos it is very good. It's very very good. We're really in alignments right now. We're very go getters achieving our dreams, which you're doing.
Selling, you're getting there. I think that's one thing about being a Virgo.
And I think that that's one thing that I've loved about you, even though people would see this negative. We are quite self critical, but in a quite a productive way.
Oh, I think mine's not very productive. So I think confidence is a big thing, and probably outwardly I look very confident, but I don't feel very confident sometimes.
So and let's talk about that. So, first of all, on the confidence thing, I think the thing with you is you're honest and you're very real and you're very What you see is what you get.
No bullshit here.
Yep, which yes, because you're the same. But tell me about the confidence. Is that something we would say that you're in now or would you say that's something that stemmed from childhood?
Yeah? I think I've always had that. I think that's a thing where I've always So we work with some emerging athletes, so who are looking at Olympics next year. And the story that I always tell is that I used to sit in the marshaling area and would look at my competitors and so one girl that I used to compete against, Amanda Beard. If you ever get the chance, google her. She was a playboy model. She was She was the most amazing person. She had big presence. If Amanda Beard walked in the room, you knew about it. It was big energy, big and she was American and she was brash and she had the big, you know, American smile that they have. And it took me a really long time to get over my fear of her. She would walk into the marshaling area, I thought, that's it, I'm done here. You know, she's already won it. And so but I never I don't know that throughout my entire career, I ever found that confidence that was genuine that I believed that I was capable and I wasn't just a kid from Queensland that grew up on a property and had horses and dogs and things like that was capable of winning gold. So it's really funny how you can be just that little kid inside. But the funny thing is what I've worked out after a very long time and after I was retired. Everyone has her own issues. Oh, everyone's going through the same stuff. Whether it's issues with parents, you know, relationships with your parents, or things going on at home, or boyfriends or or confidence issues or self esteem or whatever. It is. Everyone's the same totally.
And I think you and I have always shared that about about stuff together. I guess we will be like, come, I have a really shit time about this and you're like, I totally stay. And you helped me through a lot of things in my life and my career as well, so to your career and to the confidencing. And that's why I'm so glad you brought up confidence because I watched an interview with you last night and it would have been London Olympics. You would have been twenty seven.
Would you have been there? Yes? Yeah, retired when I was twenty seven, Yeah.
Which is when the fat shaming happens. And I watched this interview and you were like, yeah, I'm not on a holiday guys like you were, So you spoke to media and they were like, how do you feel about this article which they've plastered fat shaming, acting like that you were on a holiday, you weren't taught and trim enough to be an Olympian basically and ripped you to shreds and you and these mics at a state you and you're also there to compete for your country, and the way that you as a twenty seven year old, you were like, guys, you have to work so bloody hard to be on this team.
I've taken no shortcuts. You've been You were really to me.
You came across it's so confident and like slaying this bullshit that was going on. But it's interesting that you came across that way. You may not have been.
Feeling that way though probably at that point might have been the time that I really did feel strongly about what I was feeling. And at the first instance when I found out about it, which was via my roommate Mel Schlanger who Mel right now she's married, she told me about it. So I wasn't on Twitter at the time, but I heard about it, and so having to face this was a moment where I thought I'm going to have to muster every bit of courage that I have just to walk out and pull deck. And I have since seen photos of that time, and I was carrying my gearbag, which is my fins and kitboard and all those sorts of things in front of my stomach because I was so self conscious about it, and I could hear cameras clicking, I could hear them in the stands, I could hear everyone talking and whispering, and I just, yeah, it was just the most excruciating time. So I found all the courage to get that together, and I was very vocal about it because it struck something in me that I was really passionate about for other people. So I think there has been times in your life, in my life, and so many women and some men across the world that they have been attacked for what they look like or I don't know, maybe that they are not up to the standard of competition. And I just felt so strongly on behalf of those people, I thought, this is wrong, Yeah, how do you? And it came from a male journalist, some of who had never worked in swimming, and not a sports well a sports journalist, but rugby league. Yeah, not swimming. We had so many great journalists that I trusted and loved, Nicole Jeffreys, Wayne Smith, We had really great journalists and it wasn't them. It was someone else that's came in and permeated that trust that you worked so hard for. I had been on the Australian team for twelve years at this point, I had built so many great relationships and someone came in from left of center and damaged all of that so with really hurtful comments. It felt really personal at the time, and.
Absolutely absolutely what can I ask just to backtrack? When your mate told you, Meal was like, this has happened?
What did she say?
She said it in the nicest possible way. She's another virgo, she's her birthday's a day after mine, and she said, look, there's something out there you need to know about it. It is going to affect you. But just so you know, ninety nine percent of people are supporting you and backing. I thought, this is bad. What has happened. It's huge. It was really big. And I just remember because she was on her phone quite a lot that morning and I didn't know what she was doing. I just thought she was awaken, not sleeping very well, and So when she said that to me, my heart just sank and I thought, what has happened. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what's going on. So she said it in the nicest possible way, but brutal information to share with a friend who's your teammate and confidante and friend on the team, and she had to share that with me. So that was, I'm assuming, very hard for her to give.
Also, can I just say, I've seen these photos. They're not bad photos, like they're getting you like bent over in the most unflat like you. To me, you look very fit. Yeah, look like a fit athlete.
Well be honest, I was not my fittest toture. We go through changes, But what the big thing was twelve months earlier I was put on antidepressants. So I was dealing with the fact that I had not only survived thinking about trigger warning here, but taking my own life and was in this place of if I don't have as swimming, who am I? So big? Identity christ totally big broke my foundation basically this identity stuff. So I'm going through really big issues twelve months earlier.
But also antidepressants make you put weight on it.
But that is why effect, Why does that happen?
Was was it an SSRI like selective Serotypony might not ever remember it was, but usually.
The side effect is weight gain.
And also when you're down, So when you're feeling down, you your the body craves carbohydrate and serotonin.
Yeah, to make it, Yeah, to make you feel good. So sort of dumping those feel good hormones in your brain.
So common to put weight on.
They are literally a hand in.
Hand, that's right. And so I was definitely affected by that, and so I was just proud that I was there to start with. Absolutely, I had worked my ass off to get there. I was definitely not on a holiday, and I had earned my spot on the team. You have to make it under a certain time. You have to be first or second in Australia. So I had earned my spot on the team. I once in my fifth or six in my event, I can't remember what it was, and I was on the medley relay team which won silver. So you know it's I gained so much strength from that time because I realized I worked so hard just to just to even be on pool deck was a big thing for me. And I still won silver and in my pet event, my favorite event, which is a medley relay. So yeah, it's I take a lot of strength and courage because I had to dig deep. That was soul searching stuff big time. Yeah, and I have never and I hope i'd no. Actually, I take that back. I don't hope that I never go through that again because I think I learned so much more about myself during that time than I ever would have had the opportunity to had it not happen. And also Whoopy Goldberg defended me.
Oh my god, I know. I was like, I mean, you know, you made it.
What did she say?
She just said something. So the newspaper article came out, which I thought was really bizarre for American TV. So they had picked up on that and just saying, how dare you criticize someone for the way that they look at about the job that they do and things like that, which were all true but really quick sniff at Bufett, you know you've made it when we back to friends to really cool.
So but also it's a it's a male's opinion as well. There and I saw an interview where they got someone to speak like another athlete to speak about you and they someone drew a comparison to Ian Thorpe and said, no one said anything when Ian Thorpe was a little bit like out of shape one year, no one' said a word.
And it's not your atypical. He doesn't look like Michael Phelps. Michael Felps shredded. Yeah, he never looked like that. He was a bigger man, big muscles, strong or swallen. Yeah, yeah, and fast doesn't matter. Do we compare Michael Phelps to Ian Thorpe, Yeah, Michael Phelps is an incredible athlete and he shredded, but they're both incredible athletes. What does it matter?
And it also makes me think like health is just out the like and healthy messaging and all that, it's just out the window. I wanted it, like, I know, like fat shaming as it sucks. It's happened to me, happened to me recently. Yeah, I was saying to you, and like someone had DMed a photo of me to a friend saying, yeah, she looks like she's put weight on, but accidentally saying and saying where I'd put the weight on in my body and all that crap. And I wrote back, going this isn't meant for me, but it is about me you're talking about. And then they said no, no, it's someone else, and I said, well even worse.
Yeah, when you say things like that, the first thing that comes to mind is judgment. I think there's just so much judgment out there at the moment, and I feel really sorry for those people because they must be judging themselves so much.
I must self, Oh, you must.
Hate yourself so much to project your judgment onto other people. And look, I've been in therapy a lot too, very we're very pro therapy, so that is a very therapy thing to say. And I'm studying psychology.
But I saw you say this one when you were co hosting Studio ten, and you were like I you said, struck. You were so clear about having a therapist also having a sports therapist, like you were very and I think you said, oh, I was on a call two days ago with the therapists like you were, And I was like, oh my god. So many people see having a therapist as there's something must be.
Wrong wrong with you whatever.
You know what, Yeah, I am, I'm mentally everywhere. We're all a bloody mess.
I think anyone that has a career in media though, or the limelight. You've got to have a little something something going on.
You want to want to be in that position and to be into the public eye. And and We've spoken about this so many times, and I've heard it on your podcast for because I've listened to all your episodes. Of course I'm your biggest fan. But talking about just ego and fake people.
Just, oh my god, you and I do we.
Call them dingos, which I love, but yeah, it's just well, I mean, no judgment against dingos because I do love them, but the actual dingos of people, and there's just so many fake people out there and it's really hard to weed through that.
And you and I would go to events together in Sydney and be like, let's just get each other through this.
Please just hold my hand and leave together.
Walk in meills still can't.
I've got a broken foot at the moment. So yeah. But anyway, so going back to judgment, it's when people project that onto other people. I just think you must be such a hurt human bent because what I sort of think when if I watch something on TV, say, for example, and someone might have chosen to maybe be in a TV show a lot of people say, well, oh my god, they must be broke, or they must be so desperate to do that, or they must be doing this, or they must be doing that. Why do you care?
Yeah, why does it matter?
Why are you judging them?
Yeah, because there's something like are you jealous?
Are you jealous of what they're doing? Are you do you feel insignificant? Do they trigger something in you? What is it about what they're doing that bothers you so much? So when someone else does something and I find myself sitting there going, oh, oh, I don't know. I don't even know what an example is, but someone does a TV show, is in the paper doing this or that or saying this or that, and you think, oh, you know this, Oh I can't believe they would say that. Oh you know. Then I look at myself and go, yeah, you just what's going on for you? And most of the time it's jealousy. It's a big one. I just think, yeah, you know what, I would have loved that. I would have loved that contract, or I would have loved to be on that TV show, or I would have loved to have done that. So most of the time I've got to check myself.
But how good that that's how you can see that and feel that and see that within yourself like that takes introspection? Is that the word I think? Yeah, being able to go oh actually, what's in it? Yeah? One last thing on the fat shaming, because I have had it so recently. Have you had it since that stage in London? Like, have you had any times where you're like, why did someone just comment on my outfit?
Or like I've been told I'm too fat to e yellow?
I find probably not so openly like that on Instagram. Uh, probably more my own self judgement more than anything.
Yeah, but I have my self judgment too. Yeah.
I this is going to sound really strange, but when you talk about diet culture, I don't know what it is, but it triggers things in people. And when I have said openly I would like to lose weight, I would like to sit at seventy five kilos. That's where I feel comfortable, I feel lean, I feel strong. It's really funny how that triggers something in people because they all say, oh, well, it's all about loving yourself exactly how you are. But the weird thing is I have health issues. I have PCs so I want my fertility to be good and to be firing on all cylinders if I do want to start a family. So there's a lot of other reasons. I think people see the external thing and say, well, it's not a number on scale. It isn't and I completely agree with that. But it's about feeling good in yourself totally, and I don't necessarily feel good in myself.
And the other thing I would say on that is like you fucking do you? That's exactly what makes you feel good. I know what I feel good at as well, and people look at me and go, oh, no, but you look you look great, and I'm like, thanks, But I don't feel it's about what. And I've learned that because Joe and I learned from bringing out a weight loss book. I'm always going to So I wrote a diet book years ago, and that gives people they feel like they can comment on my weight all the time. And I figured out really quick, you're either too fat for someone or too skinny for someone else, always at any weight, at any size you are. And when you realize.
If that, I'm doing it for me.
And I just said to you before we saw this podcast, my therapist just last week said Lola, please never wear yourself ever again. He's like, you are a fit girl. You train hard, muscle ways more than fat. Stop looking at the numbers and that was super hard to do. It's so hard to so also for you though, with the triggering thing. I've read your book, which I frigging love people get around this book is it's a couple of years old now.
But it is a couple it'd still be out of fun. I'm booked topeyous. Yes, it's good body lengths.
It's I kind of got put on my Instagram yesterday and I'd to it again today. But it's so incredible, and I me, being a dieting junkie, I went straight to the what's the chapter called Starving to Swim?
Was?
It's the dieting chapter.
Yeah, and you so that you'd have to weigh in certain times of the week and they would weigh like if you put two hundred grams on. Well, this is while you're training.
Yeah, So this was at a time when we were training at altitude. So what happens at altitude is the body has to work ten times is hard to hearty amount of work, So you might just have a really easy session, just maybe a float and it will take it will be so hard you can't breathe. Float so just where you hop in the water and you don't do much. Oh yes, so that's a float. There's also a thing called porridge, which is fuller in a session that you know the coach has put in and it's just porridge. It's just to make up numbers. So there's lots of terminology, but I just means you go to the pool and.
You just float shell you don't do much.
But it's really hard at altitude, okay, And so most of the time anyone who's done altitude training knows you weight just drops off because you are breathing, you are sucking in oxygen and you're breathing out so much carbon dioxide. You just can't keep weight on. And for me, when I was at Sierra Nevada in Spain, I was this is the peak of my depression and anxiety, identity crisis, foundation crisis. How old you have you been there?
This was just.
Before twenty twelve, so I probably would have been about twenty five, twenty six maybe, And and so going through really heavy stuff, my weight did not budge it didn't budge. So we were doing weigh ins every morning, girls that were similar age to me, similar physique to me, dropping kilos left, right and center. Just every day kilos would drop off and for me nothing, it just didn't budge. So my body was working so hard, and because that mind body connection is so huge, that emotional connection is so strong, my body just held onto everything. It just said, I am protecting you here. I am not going to let you lose any of those trauma. Yeah, my body and my mind was just playing tricks on me.
But it sounds like the way that you were treated was pretty shit. Like I read about the like six one twenty Can you explain that?
So that was the letters of the upper That didn't happen to me directly, but it did. I did hear these sort of words around, and not from the coaches that I worked, but coaches externally. So they were the sort of words that were thrown around about other athletes. And it stood for letsie alphabet. So six is F, A is one is a T is twenty so fat and this is the sort of words that you were hearing. It's getting much better in sport, Yeah, it's still so slow, it's there's still written and this is damaging stuff. This is big trauma to young adults that are growing up in sports. So we've got to be really careful about the way we speak to our athletes. And I was talking to one of my best friend's husbands and he's a swiming coach at the moment, and I was just so incredibly proud of the words that he used, and it was something about completely different but he reacted to a situation to hearing about as swimmer's news that she was going elsewhere, and he said, I held on to that that I felt I didn't. I didn't handle that properly. So I came back and apologized. So he's a forty year old man apologizing to a young girl saying I'm so sorry. I didn't handle that very well. Wow, And I said, and you know it is, well, yeah, that takes heart to say, courage to say, you know what, I fucked up there and I really didn't handle that properly and I'm so sorry.
Huge.
That gives you there's some good there's some really good eggs out there really helping people and helping young athletes. And I thought that is so big of you to reflect on that situation to go I haven't reacted probably, I am so sorry, huge, amazing, and we need more good eggs like that.
And I think we need that not just in the sports industry, but in every industry as well, everywhere.
I'm sure I remember you and.
I've shared stories, but we've been in meetings before where we've been told about I've been told definitely about my weight or to change a look, god, to not wear a color, or to you know, and it's not okay at all in any any situation.
Yeah.
I also read in that part of your book like there was when you were dieting, and this is where I can see. I like numbers and dieting can be triggered. It triggering, especially if someone that's had to do it at such a young age. So that's kind of like ingrained in your psyche. But like eating a whole protein bar was too many calories?
Just half? Yeah?
Serious, like two protein bars a day if I'm like on the yeah.
So, and we had dust finished three hours of training, so two hours of swimming, an hour in the gym, so pretty exhausted, but very much reduced to one or half sorry half a protein bar. Which were They were probably high calorie, but it was just half. So try self control of half a protein bar. So yeah, it was there's just so much control around food and what you eat. And I've seen so many quotes that people say athletes athletes train, and athletes train and refuel or something, they don't diet in an exercise. I don't know that, you know. I think an athletes diet diet is it's incredibly strict because you have a goal that you need to achieve and you need to be as lean as possible. So but it does bring up a bit of if you're a controlling person or you want to control the situation.
But also the brain needs so many calories to function properly. Lubs and swimming newses.
The most amount of energy, does it not, it's one.
Of the supposedly, Yeah, because it's so cardiovascular and so long, with two hours of cardiovascular so it's about it's more than sitting on a bike two hours straight totally ten times a week.
You need at like, don't it wasn't training like four in the morning, Yeah, four five.
We had to be there at four twenty five because if you weren't five minutes.
Earlier you were late. Yeah, that's why you're so punctual.
You've never been late ever one of our dates.
No, usually usually not if something's happened. That's why I'm late. So usually i'm ten fifty awkwardly ten to fifteen minutes early.
I'm I got hit quite earlyer ten, I was like vlogging, I'm about to go upstairs chicken through. But I'm I think that's also virgo, like doubling grains that into.
You do you know how much panic can I get if I am running late or if I'm on time panic I will text the person I'm sorry, I'm running a couple of minutes late. I am outside just getting a car park updating because it just so much anxiety.
But that's it's such a good. At acting school, they pretend the class starts ten minutes earlier than what.
Is that's right?
I like it's it's a full of respect to.
Also, you've intrigued me with the acting school because I have thought that I would like to do improv.
Oh yeah, Improv's harder, man, very hard.
Yeah.
For acting school, I just think is so interesting. I've thought about singing lessons too. My nana was a good singer. Really, Yeah, she was an opera singer.
Yeah, she got a song with Matt.
There you go, Matt.
That would be sitting there with his headphone. So this is Matt Lola's partner.
That's so far.
I would have to apologize in the Evans get the auto tune ready to go, because I would have to work at it very hard.
I think there's something to be said for definitely for acting, though as far as just personal development. We speak on television and in media and it's just great skill. Yeah, voice, couse and the I mean you already speak so beautifully.
But on that topic, there is a great there's a great book and I think it's called Voice or something, and it goes on to say about how important the voice is because it's communication. That is, your voice in the world is so much bigger than you think it is. And I'm sure you'd love that because you work on it. But you should never criticize someone's singing voice. That's what the book said, because that is there what was the word like a vehicle to go from their heart out their mouth. So you should need to sing lessons then well imagine that, Oh amazing.
I reckon it'd be amazing.
Yeah, but it's really fascinating. Voice is so important, so important, and everyone has a voice. Yeah, it's and even if you don't vocally have a voice, you have a voice inside of you. So big stuff. We're getting into deep I love.
I'm actually glad that you're speaking about deep stuff because I did want to go a little bit deep with you.
Which I know that you're comefor your You're so.
Open and it literally in the kind of.
Like intro of your book, you talk which I've got it here. By the way, I've.
Got to signed yes this book to my favorite chicken.
It says, by the way, my only chicken.
We said each others as well the prologue. Sorry, so in the prologue, can I share a little bit from I just want to say, is it Sarah and Nevada?
Might say, Sierra Nevada?
Thank you?
Cee Longe can't read peenus Sierra Nevada. Okay.
I spent yesterday afternoon on the bathroom floor of my room at the Sierra Nevada High Performance Sports Center planning to kill myself. Well the best of the Aussie swimming team eight talked, kicked a ball or watched TV.
I thought about.
Slitting my wrists and my legs. Then there's another bit like literally paragraph down and it's I'm going to do it. I'm so clear. I've saved up some sleeping tablets and I will take them all. A knife from the kitchen will.
Do the rest.
I'll sit my wrists, slash my legs, make sure I get the big veins. I've googled how much it would cost to send a body bag back home from Spain. It's fifteen thousand dollars or something like that. Pretty expensive, but I've checked that there will be enough money left for Mum to pay for it.
Far out.
First of all, yeah, you are so brave for even sharing that.
Yeah, big stuff.
That's number one. The fact you've shared that. I don't know how many lives you've probably saved.
Yeah, And I hope so because I want to take the stigma away that some people think like that. And that was a big, poignant moment in my life. So this is what I'm talking about, identity crisis foundation crumbling. If I'm not if I don't swim, who am I as a person? I had not done any work on me as a person outside of sport. I was always leasel with the swimmer and I always will be, but I'm okay with it now because I thought, if I'm not swimming, what do I I have no qualifications, I have no work experience. I neglected my friends throughout my swimming career because I didn't have time to catch up with them or to do anything. I haven't finished school, so I thought, if I don't have this, what do I do? And the problem was, at the time I was as telling people that I want to retire next year, everyone said to me. The first thing they ever said to me was what are you going to do?
Pressure?
It's so much pressure, and it's really overwhelming. It's like when kids leave school, when you leave high school and everyone says to you, Oh, what do you want to do? I want to study medicine. Oh so you want to be a doctor. What do you want to be a surgeon? Do you want to be a specialist? You want to It's so overwhelming you can't process it. And so it's one step at a time. And I'm seven years retired now it's twenty nineteen, and I still don't know what I want to do.
So acting school scene lessons, I believe in you.
Joanna Griggs is on Home and Away once and played a Swedish backpacker, so there is hope for me yet. And yeah, so it's amazing. It's the best that. I just love Joanna Greek. She's one of my fats.
When I could do a show together.
Yes, we brought it up once, didn't We like a cooking exercising Yeah, very creative but big stuff, really big things. But I didn't. And when we were talking about writing this book with my publisher, I said to Hian, I said, there is one thing if I do write a book, it is going to be watson All. I am going to talk about the big stuff. She said, that's perfect. That's exactly what we need, because I think there's a lot of fairy flow stuff around with mental health. I think we throw a lot of things out there, but when you really get down to then gritty, some of that stuff does not look pretty. It's not nice. And a lot of these people are having these thoughts because they're in crisis and they're really at the bottom of the barrel, and it's not something to take lightly. So I'm all for medication. If you need to take medication completely Okay, you just need to get onto it earlier. You need to be talking to people. I made that mistake. I didn't talk to anyone soon enough totally.
But it was almost like an act of the universe kind of having your back where it was like, right now is the time I'm going to do this. I want to share that moment, like that moment where you almost got bizarrely saved.
I don't know if that's oh, yes, and my coach walked in. Yes, absolutely, So I had gone not missing, but I just went upstairs in my room. And that's the other mistake that I was making was I was isolating myself. And that's one of the big triggers for me if I am spiraling into a bit of a mental health thing. As I start becoming a recluse, I become a bit hermit and retract from people, and I don't message people. And so I had started this spiral of just sitting in my room. And so my coach Rowan at the time, walked in and just I don't know who sent him. I don't know what happened, but he came and walked in at that exact moment. So I would hate to think if he walked in ten minutes later or what would have happened. But he is just I think, my guardian angel, and I just have so much Yeah, I just have so much love for Rowan, and not because he saved me at that moment, but because of who he was as a person. Was just so genuine, so much care, so much love and just saw me as a person, not an Actually I.
Saw and I reckon it would have been here. I saw as an interview was he did he stick.
Up for you?
To media always always come back him literally going guys like always you're totally forgetting what she's done for this country. That's right.
Yeah, And it was really incredible to watch.
And he's one of those good eggs, one of those good coaches that sees through all the bullshit that we put out there, all the stories that we tell. He sees the real person behind and he's willing to work on it. And he works individually with each athlete to find what motivates them, what triggers them. And I think that's such a big person to not only look at what other people's triggers are, but to actively work on them and not treat people as a whole as a big group and think everything's going to work for the same So he just spent so much time and energy on me that I could never repay him. So he was and still is. Yeah, Rosa Gregor search for.
People that are listening because mental health is probably arguably at its worst.
Yeah, I would agree.
And what would you say with people that are listening that are struggling on some level or have maybe had a thought like that or like I'm lost. And because when you said, like you isolate yourself, that's a natural reaction.
Even if I'm having.
Bad I'm like, get me home, get me Netflix and a block of chocolate, which sounds harmless and it totally is. But like if that that's self care when you do it once. But when it becomes like you're constantly isolating yourself, Like, what would you someone's like, I don't.
Know what you know? Get help early. Yeah, even if it's a counselor. You don't have to go to a psychologist, you don't have to go big. Just go to a counselor just talk to someone. And that's where Lifeline and Beyond Blue and all those things come in. Definitely, one thing I would say is get off social media. That's a big one. I start when I start spiraling, I start getting on social media more, I start comparing, I start struggling more. It makes me worse. So I have to detach from social media. That's the big one for me. And because I get stuck in this comparison spiral where oh that person's so busy. Oh I'm feeling a little bit lonely. But those people have got friends around them. But you don't realize that those people might be feeling lonely too. So yeah, it's I think this is my this is what's the prescription for me. Get off social media. It's big. I think you are flooded with highlight reel, highlight reel. My life's amazing, Your life is shit. It's all fake. It's not or No one's showing the videos of them crying on the bathroom floor, are they. No one's showing that. So I've got to get off social media. Then I've got to go talk to a therapist, whatever that looks like for you.
I'm reading a book at the moment and he's an acting teacher and he said the homework for week one is no social media, and I was like what, And he's like, don't miss read. This is like if you need to use it for work, and it's part of what you do, like get on there and do the work.
Schedule your posts.
Yeah, don't look Yeah, he said absolutely, Like that's the first thing.
What was the idea behind that?
So it's to connect with yourself.
Yeah, right, so you're more connected, you're more present, definitely, you don't want to be compared. Yeah, but it's also to get clear.
Like it makes us foggy and muddy in the mind.
Yeah, I can feel when I do it too much, and I'll see like I'll be seeing my boyfriend. I'm like, we're just sitting.
On that phone and we barely do it. But I'll catch this pretty quick and I'll be like phone sound yeah, and we just that's it.
Both flip our phones down, love it and reconnect, don't even look at it, and we go away down the coast talking really bad reception. So it barely I mean, it kills me because I can't do an emails, but just the email, like the work side of it. And he's like, I love it. And we watched like because we can't even do Netflix or anything like that, we'll watch a movie with and chat in the ads.
Oh, I love that.
Chat in the ads of Harry Potter last week, and I just I think it's to create. You can connect back to yourself, you can connect to others. And the whole reason why this podcast exists is because social media celebrates success. It doesn't celebrate failure, failure.
Or when you're just plodding away and you feel like you get kicked in the face. I had that two weeks ago. I didn't post anything about it. I got kicked in the face three times in a week for three big things that I really really worked hard for and I so badly wanted to happen, and they did not happen for me. I didn't post about it. I didn't show anyone. I didn't want anyone to know. And I was crying for a week straight.
Was this like gigs that fell through?
And they really aligned with all of my values, you know, helping other people mental health and well being, working with athletes. It was. It was the most perfect job for me, and I didn't get it. And There's been a few times where I've gone for a similar role and haven't got it, and my self worth went through the floor. I just felt you know, if I can't even get a job like that, what am I good enough to do? And what? You know? Am I going to have to work at Cole's. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but this was big for me because it aligned with all my values. So that was that flawed me that week.
But also understandably, you know what I mean, that's human to feel shit when you lose something.
But also I didn't post about it. No, I did not put that on Instagram where I was crying on the floor for a week straight that I didn't get a job that I thought I was going to do amazing things.
In I even remember I get this the same thing. So last year I went for a really big auditions a pilot and the show didn't get green lit, but the other people I auditioned against all got gigs in television a month later. And so I was like, oh am I am I the Am I the shit one? And I and my self talk was am I the fat one? Oh yeah? So like my negative self talk was maybe I don't look enough like a model and that's maybe why I didn't get it, and I and like that's where I went, and I just think you don't talk about the failure enough and it's actually it's actually the it's like the meaty shit that actually makes you who you are and it makes and yes, you were so upset and you were on the flop, that it's making space for something better.
And it's you don't know when you're in it though.
That trust is so hard. That's so hard to trust that something is coming when you are rock bottom financially as well and self worth and what's on the horizon. That's when you have to dig deep and find something.
Can I ask a question, because if hit the name on the head with the financial thing, do you sometimes feel like you are merely a dollar sign to someone that you could potentially work with, Like if you get a work gig comes up and they're like, you know, they're like, oh, they working with me because of my values? Or are they working with me because I can get them X amount? Sometimes I feel like I'm a dollar.
Sign, yeah, right, going to a gig.
And they're like, well, you know I wanted this thing with you, and you know I got booked for a gig recently and I was like, oh, I'm so alignment. Yes, this is so great, And I'm like I really want to talk about mental health and I want to talk about failure or I want to talk about yoga or something, and they're like, no, you'll be making a recipe And I was like, okay, you need me to do and I get it. It's my qualification, it's my bread and butter. And that's where I was like, you just need me to be the nutritionis Lola, you don't really care too much about my passions that have because we're changing humans were not like this carbon copy. I'm going to rock on stage and make raw vegan brownies every time I go on or whatever it is, you know what I mean. Like that shit gets boring for me, and I don't believe I'll write another rest just playing recipe book again because it's not enough for me and there are plenty of other people out there doing a better job than I could do.
Yeah, So I guess I sort of feel maybe I wouldn't. I don't know. I don't know whether people would choose me. Maybe it's because I haven't looked at it that way.
Maybe I'm more jaded than you.
No, but I think you've got more, you know, more prongs. You know, you do so many things whereas I sort of am sport but not really that entertainment side. So I sort of feel maybe a dollar I do. I have trouble with comparison because there's a lot of people in my position that want to do the same work that's hard, and there's not many roles where I get chosen because there's a lot of Giann Rudy is incredible. She does some of the best work on TV. She's bloody fantastic at commentary. She looks beautiful on TV. She used to you, but I don't feel it, you know. So I lose a lot of gigs because there's so many people out there doing great things and there's not many jobs. So I sort of feel with.
That role.
I don't know that I would look at it as a dollar sign.
I know, I feel like I asked the question wrong.
Get I get what you're Yeah, I get so from what I'm hearing from you, as like.
That's such a psychologist thing today, a reframing with I love it.
You can tell the people that have had therapy, can't you know.
I'm like totally replay back what I'm hearing from you.
But what I'm saying is what I'm what I am hearing is that there are like you said, is a saturated industry. My industry is also saturated. So there are a lot of people wanting very much, and there are a lot of athletes like I watched the Grand Final on the weekend, the AML Grand Final, and like the X the ex good footy players that are good at speaking on the sidelines, doing the commentary. And you know it makes sense because it's your passion and you understand the sport, you understand the way it works.
But not everyone is going to.
Get the job of working in television and commentary and speak.
I get I get that.
But there's something you just said was like, I don't feel like I am you know, And I think when that changes, when you feel like, actually I'm fucking worth this. Yeah, And I do look fucking good. I am healthy. I am like Also, no one knows what's on the scale. When you said to me, I feel best at seventy five, I was like, well, I.
Don't know how far she is from that goble. She feels great to me.
Yeah, And it does come from internal. I know that one hundred percent because there have been times where I've been maybe heavier and I just feel inside me. It glows out. And you would know that because you go to events as well and you just feel it, right, you just and you have good you're knowing having a good day because people are attracted to you. Yeah, and I don't mean that in a sexual way, but just you attract people.
Good vibes come out, good vibes come out.
And it's internal. So this external body and the muscles, and you are not fat. You have fat. You are not fat healthy, you have fat. Yeah, you need it to survive. It gives you energy. So but it doesn't matter what's sitting on the bones. It comes from inside. Oh, that's so introspective. Is that the word we're looking? Yeah, I know, it's just you how we've both done so much therapy. Oh, dear, I'm studying. I'm just studying psychology. So I'll just use all I'll use all my sessions in training and yeah, but it's really interesting all that stuff. Just Yeah, you've you've got to feel it inside, you really do. And you have to feel self love and self worth. It's it's big stuff. But it takes a long time. I don't have it now. I don't feel it right now.
And I can totally relate to that.
I understand that, but I also I know you, not just as a friend, but I also do know you as somebody that can speak very clearly on television and read tallyprompters and feel confident and has great intonation.
We did our holiday trip to Gaya together.
The best one at If you ever need a retreat, go to Guy. It is the best.
So I went recently with Matt and that where they were literally do you remember what you were here with.
Them?
All phenomenal, But we had to film, not had to, but we filmed a bit of content for social media for our pages to kind of like thank guya. And I remember I was filming you and I was like, how the f she got such good intonation and media training? Like I've never had media training.
I don't know have you had media training, not particularly, I've just learned as I went along.
You've got this beautiful intonation.
You know, you'll you know how to keep your name up high and then you'll dip when you need to dip. So intonation is kind of like, well you taint, It's like hey, and welcome to the show. Like it's almost there's a melody to the way you speak, and I was like, fuck, she's made for this. And so I think for you, like I believe wholeheartedly that you will end up doing something that you absolutely love.
Probably in media, i'd say, yeah.
Do you know when I felt amazing though, and this is where I have done my absolute best work, and I am so proud of the work I did. It was actually two thousand and four Commonwealth Games and I hosted with Matt White, who is the biggest legend in media, and I just don't think he's on TV enough because he's just he's so bloody good. He works with no teleprompt, no AUTOQ, he writes, no he studies for months before he goes his information list just blows my mind. And that the it's on screen chemistry. But don't read into that as it's nothing.
You just get on with it.
Just get you. And I have chemistry now, absolutely respect it is and some people you gel with and some people you don't, and you can pick it a mile off. But Matt White and I clicked from the minute we got on set. And I have never ever in my life done better work, never, And I look back on that time and think it was a breeze. It was easy. I loved it. I was myself. I was cracking jokes, talking about really serious topics. Probably been borderline inappropriate for TV, but it was great. And I've never and I have never found work like that that just lit me up inside that I worked with fabulous people. I met one of my besties Laws on the trip. I know, I know, And you've known Laws longer than I have. Well, yeah, you lived with her.
I did. I would have been eighteen when I loss.
I moved in a long time with my boyfriend at the time was living Laws. And my name is Lauren too, and so he had nicknamed for Laws, had nickname for me.
Yeah, so and so she's become one of my great mates and we have so many mutual great mates. Steph. Prem shout out to you, because I've listened to your podcast already and it was really beautiful. She just blows my mind. But yeah, it's just you've got to find work that lights you up, and you don't find it often, I don't think.
But that's the same I would say for real love and real, like real real, may you feel it like this? We haven't seen each other for ages and literally.
It's been a eighteen I know, which makes me sad.
But as I was walking out of the elevator, you were filming on your Into Stories and I just looked and I was like, oh, miss you so much. It was like time had just snapped us back to whenever we would lask giggling over something, Brady or something. There's something I i as a viewer that I consumed, a view that lit me up watching you and it was I'm a sleib, get me out of here.
Yes, And do you know what is you're.
Gonna because I don't think we've ever spoken about this.
It was early. It was like early episode and at the very beginning there's you guys like trekking or walking and someone thinks, I say a snake. You're like, no, no, no, that's just a legless lizard.
Do you remember this, I've seen a few legs.
Amazing, amazing, that's.
Bortleline we're keeping in that will not be ed to that.
Do you do you remember this to the show.
God, I'm so sorry, amazing, so red, I'm sweating, amazing, hilarious.
Yes, I do remember that moment, but it's just about keeping it real.
It's just like the aussy girl.
I just don't get caught up in that stuff. And I used to. I grew up on three hundred acres, so we saw red belly black snakes. Yeah, nearly every day, carpet pythons. And my dog got bitten by red belly black snake. She's lived.
Yeah, she's like super deadly they are to dogs.
Yeah they're they're not totally venomous to humans, but yeah, it's yeah. So I just keep I just you know me, You're the same, keep it real, and I tend to not get caught up in big exciting moments.
Usually.
I wish I was one of those people that was easily excitable, but there's a lot of times where I'm not.
You just well, I think you just go with the flow, and that's what I I just you just keep it so frigging real. I remember I was doing a PT session with you one day, so we had the same PT.
Also not the thirty for thirty we did for our thirtieth birthday. Remember stan Adah shout out to you. He made us do thirty reps of thirty exercises. We smashed it both.
Might I say we both mentioned before this Dan that we miss you because we miss you down the best pt in the entire.
Bloody moved away.
Now I'll have to fill the la for him.
Yeah, but that sounds so luxurious. And I had to visit my personal trainer lives.
But he remember you and I were training together. He's like, we're going to a joint session today. Girls come together. We're going to be of fun and we're going like round for round, so we would have to do the same thing. I remember like we're doing medicine ball slams and he'd given lil this like ginormous medicine ball and I got given this tiny one.
You're doing massive box jumps. I was doing like step.
Ups like you were. You were boxing.
I can't box jump.
I think I was doing like little baby that's like you still did them.
And I remember thinking he's looking made me go against an Olympic Australian gold medalist olympian here, I'm like what I remember thinking, And you looked at me and I was like smashed. You were pretty you train so hard. I think it's I've never seen someone on an air dine like you. Like you, just like because you're very strong, you're upper.
From Yeah, not great if you want to wear pretty dresses. Though.
It was so impressive, and I remember you looked at me and I was like, I was literally in between in each round. I was just like yogi breeding, like literally trying to control my breath. And you looked at me and you're like, mate, don't worry. You're like, I feel like a t rex next to you. I was like, mate, are you joking? And I was like, you're the fittest, strongest tea Recks I've ever met, because I was like lose and he was writing our scores up on there. Remember, and Dan's rule would be like to try and smash you to the point. I remember I say to him, whatever you do, I do not want to vomit. Okay, you can do whatever you want, but I don't want don't want to go up. Yeah, And he always he always would get me right and ever.
But that was the best. And do you know what, and that's the best workout to ever do is feel like you're not working out because they were always so fun when we worked out together, they were so much fun.
Me go to protein after and get yes those healthy pancakes delicious.
Oh, that was the life. That's when Sydney was good for me. I was not enjoying Sydney towards.
This is what I say about Sydney. And I love like there'll be Sidney listen and listeners on here. And I do love Sydney. I live there for about six years. How long did you live there?
Five and a half, so we were five.
Both there at similar times.
And to be honest, you really took me under your wing because I say to people, Sydney has a lot more sharks than Melbourne and very hard in the sea.
I mean human And there is Crenela Sharks in Sydney tool Rugby League.
Are they good team?
They are very good.
It's good names, isn't it.
It is good. Well I lived in Crenella, oh carrying bars. So yeah. But Sydney's hard. It's hard if you don't go, you don't go to school there. It's very it's very I just find people. And I don't mean this in a bad way, but yeah, it's just very hard to get into groups that give clicking.
Often you get the vibe like someone wants something from me. But we're both we both.
Love Melbourne, but also in Melbourne. To me, Sydney still feels fun like I'm going to work a few weeks and I just love it.
I do great work in Sydney. You do fantastic when you go to Sydney, you do great recond Yes, yeah, I think Melbourne is heart and soul for you, but I think Sydney is your work. Yeah, you're one of those people that feels ignited when you go to Sydney. Melbourne is that for me? When I come to Melbourne, I love I love everything about Melbourne. So my friend came here, and the minute I found out he was coming here, he was working and studying. I sent him a list of about twenty restaurants that he must see.
So, oh, we've done a few restaurants.
So Melbourne is what I know Melbourne is. And it's very gray today, it's very rainy. It's my favorite.
If you're listening, you are more Melbourne than I am, very much. I get a bit over Melbourne.
Yeah, in and out of Melbourne all the time.
But it's funny. Now I'm kind of like very at peace and very like, oh, this is a cool place to be right now.
I'm homely.
I'm learning to be not attached. I think yoga is this is word in yoga. I hope I say it right, vak viach. It sounds like vigra. That's what I remember.
Okay, it means to.
Be non attached.
And they say so we talk about tapas and abiasa. Abiasa means discipline. So you don't know that as an Olympian, you rock up, you got that plenty of that, got that black line every day. But it's also about being disciplined but having a no attachment to the out here.
And I remember when I teaching.
I was like, I've got to talk to Lisa about this, because how the do you train not wanting a gold medal? You don't you don't you want the gold medal?
Right, it's losing the expectation around it. And when I was sort of thinking in my mind about because this is fearlessly failing, failing fearlessly, I was thinking about failures, and I don't know that I've ever had many. There's only a couple I can think of. But the only failure in averted commas that comes from it is the expectation. I failed to meet my expectation of what I wanted to do, or I failed to meet other people's expectations, it actually had nothing to do with the winning gold, or it was failing to live up to expectations. But it's detaching from that, which is so hard. That that gold medal is not you. It doesn't it is not it's not you, it's it's external from you. So but oh, that took me so long, and I don't know that I've ever really done it super well. But I don't. I think that's really hard to do.
They say it's my Therapis says to me, like when I get caught up with So it's intrinsic valuestrinsic values. So gold medal would be extrinsic, so it would be a beautiful Ferrari car, So it'll be a Schnell bag.
Beautiful things, yes, wonderful thing. I can't afford them right now, but no same. But also those things don't make me happy, so you get them.
I do get a moment if I buy a bag, get like a little moment.
But then I don't.
It doesn't last, no, very surely. Whereas intrinsic values are like how you feel in your heart and how some one feels when then we of you and your value system, when your passionate, doing what you love you on purpose?
Yeah? What was the dama?
Yeah?
Darma?
Is that why? So I was going to ask you, is that why she was called Dharma? And Greg hopefully spelling it isn't a right spelling. That's what I thought. I thought, maybe look at that she was really Yogi, wasn't super.
Yeah, there's been a revamp of that show. I think, oh maybe there were. I don't know, I got it. I just got mixed up for two seconds in my head with Will and Grace. I don't know, similar same time, same time, same era, quickly Because I mean we could talk all day.
I do.
Want you to just touch on because I still I think it is still so poignant.
For now bullying and I know you.
Copped it, and I know a few people meant to be your I guess colleagues didn't have your back. That should have had your back. But you don't need to talk about specifics. But I mean, like being bullied a toxic environment.
People go through that all the time, all the time, And it's really funny. I was never through school. I sailed through school. I was not popular, I was not unpopular. I just sort of sailed through so I never had experienced anything like this, but when I came across one person that I had to be on the same team as them, just I have never dealt with someone like that before in the way that and I won't mention their name, but I've never dealt with someone with those values that are very different to mine to butt up against mine that are just very different. And that's okay. But it's taken me a long time to see that the values were just very different. We just didn't aligne didn't gel And I have a lot of forgiveness for that time because I think it came from a lot of pain. And this is what we're talking about earlier in the podcast. I see someone who was in a lot of pain, that was struggling with a lot of whether it be insecurity or self worth. I'm not making judgments. That's for them to make up, for them elves to work through themselves. But it's I see someone in pain. And so originally, when this happened to me, I took that really personally and thought it was a personal attack against me. This person didn't like me, this person liked nothing about me, would and would target me and use things against me. But now you have like a.
Little example of something I said.
It might be little things. Now this sounds really insignificant now when I say it, but when I was training, it would be things like, oh, why does she get to go out to get out so early? You know, she's always complaining this. And now I thought, well, because I've been around for twelve years, I've been doing this for a very long time, and I don't earn my stripe. Just little things or little picky things, or little narky things about the way I looked, or the way I dressed, or or just behind my back, and it just it just grated me, and I confronted it head on. I said, look, what is your problem with me? Please? If you have a problem with me, just tell me. It's just and if you thought it, I thought it and just couldn't couldn't it couldn't front in that situation. So I just see a hurt person who was coming from a really insecure place projecting onto me, just almost projectile, vomiting all the things that they didn't like about themselves and was putting it on me. So this is all my therapy coming out. But a lot of people are going through this stuff they might work with someone like that. It might be their partner might be romantic partner, it might be it's just yea narcissism in many different forms and facets. So but when we come from a place of hurt, that stuff is not pretty and we projected onto other people and it's not nice. So I come from a place of forgiveness. Never don't have to apologize to me. I'm not interested. I see it for what it truly is. So but that takes a lot of work because at the time it hurts, and it don't have that so much.
You've now got the perspective to understand, oh, you're saying something mean to me, something you're probably going through it. Yeah, But at the time you would have been like, what's it.
Yeah, And that's the most I think pain I felt from someone who another female that I felt should have had my back, has probably used things against me, personal things against me that I might have offered in forming a friendship, and that's been used against me. So it's it hurts, It really does, and I didn't realize it at the time. I just became really defensive and angry, and I felt sorry for myself. But that's a natural totally.
This is like unpacking.
But I think what's so cool is that you've said, like bullying effing.
Sucks and it hurts. Yeah, it really hurts because you you have then become a target for their murky dark energy and they're just spewing it on you and you just happen to be the target for it. So I just don't know that you can take that personally. At the time, you do take it personally, and but after a few years game perspective, and I just I never say, I try not to say anything bad about that person because I just I don't think you fight fire with fire. It's not worth it. It's you've got to grow and your spiritual growth is the journey is different for everyone. Everyone's at different levels with their spiritual growth. And if you're just vibing on a different level, just let it be.
And I think what you've said that's so empowering is like if it does hurt, like it definitely does hurt, but don't be afraid to get the help, like get a therapist so you can process that, so you can unpack.
That or acknowledge that it hurts, yes, and feel it, feel it, feel every moment. And this is where a lot of people and myself included in the past, might have used wine, or some people use drugs or whatever it is to.
Dull the whole family block of marvelous chocolate. Thank you very much.
And it does, yes, and it does. It works temporarily, but it's about self love and self care and reminding yourself who you are as a person, that you are worthy and you are a good person. As long as you're doing the right things, you're not hurting anyone else in the process. You've got to come back to that. So we want deep. We went real deep.
I can't thank you enough.
Thanks Chicken, Thanks for having me.
Thank you Chicken. I think you've been very honest about your failures and you've obviously gone deep, but also like you've just been like real and your stuff is going to one in power and help others to just know that it's okay to feel shit.
Every now and you don't have to wallow in it. You can talk to someone else. They're not going to judge you. You can work through it. You can work through anything. And in your deepest, darkest moments and your lowest times, dig deep, find what you've got there you will learn so much more about yourself. It is a real privilege to go to the bottom of the deep dark hole to see what's down there, and you'll realize it's not that scary you just got to face at front on, but the nicest thing. And you just said it then, being real it's the big thing. Honesty is a big thing for me. I wish more people were honest about their journeys and showing the shit stuff, and it would be so nice because we'd all feel a bit more normal and just thinking, oh, yeah, we're all normal, we're all doing the same stuff. We've all got our ound issues sorting the shit out they are and some are just a little bit more public than others. And their shit don't stink any different. It still stinks. And we're all full of shit. We're all full of our own shit.
Well, we're all working through and navigating this weird thing cold life.
And don't judge other people's journey. No, don't judge your own journey. Don't judge it, just.
Live it and I think, own who you are.
Oh, that's a big one, Like be honest with yourself.
And there's something so freeing about being really honest as well, Like even for me, my stuff is food. I get triggered by food, like find getting stressed out, like I either go one way or the.
Other emotional eating totally.
And I had an event, actually had I had something coming up with Steph. Steph's taking me away for the Steph Premier taking away for the Hot Springs and I know I've got to shoot straight after it. And I said to her, She's like, let's go to a big lunch. Are we going to go and go to Hot Springs? And I was like, dude, I know what I'm like. Two days out of a shoot, I'm going to be scared. And I said, can I organize a juice cleans And I'll organize one for you if you want to. But I said, I just I'm not prepping my food and knowing what I'm eating and I'm eating out.
I said, that's a slippery slope for me.
And I've never had the balls to say, hey, I'll be funny about food the lead up to a shoot. And she was like, you know, Worris, Let's have a really healthy day.
And see when you're honest, when.
You're open and real, and you are so real Chicken no, never, And I just hope that you can see yourself through my eyes sometimes when you're like lose a deal or something it doesn't go right, or something feels ikey, because I can see the magic in you and I totally believe in you, and I know that even when you feel like, uh, that thing didn't work out, or someone else or you're comparing someone else got a great gig, and you're like, I would have loved that gig, you are totally going to be You are totally going to make it.
Yeah in whatever way that.
Looks like, Yeah, I don't.
Question that for one single second. You are the real deal.
And you know what I think we also, I know we're wrapping up here, but this is probably one thing to leave it on. No one ever has it figured out. There is no there's no line that we cross at the end of life and go we've crossed the line. There is no line. The day you die is the end of the line. But you don't You're not going to cross at thirty years earlier and say across the line now, nobody do you.
Know what you have experienced and shared today where you felt lit up thousand.
And four Comwealth Games years fourteen. Sorry, I'm going a long life.
I was not a good in two thousand and four. Yeah, I was not. I was not a wholesome being in two thousand and four.
But you talked about an experience where you were litter, and you can identify with that and remember how that feels in your art, in how you would have felt during the day and when you were doing in the lead up. And I bet like it's those moments I know when I'm filming or I'm doing a like I can feel it in my.
Heart, your heart glows.
And even like doing acting school, like people like what and I'm in acting school. I'm the oldest person by ten years. And I said to my therapist.
I was like, fuck, I'm the oldest person. If he said you were thirty twenty four in the class, who cares.
He goes, that's he goes, that's a superpower because you know who you are now.
Yeah, you're he goes, This is a good there's not a bad time to come into his career.
And I said, Helen Mirren one of the most beautiful, most amazing women on screen, so believable.
Someone said, you say so, Mucky Weaver.
Oh yeah, it's amazing sixties and credible. They're they're great. You know, I'll just look up to those people. It's so beautiful.
I actually think, and I heard you say it's on another podcast. In the scheme of things, we're still very.
Young, so young, of course, you know, and I.
Think where I don't know. I think the virgo, the pressure, all of that. And thank you for opening your heart, thank you for being for having me. I cannot wait to see what's next for you, because I know epic shit is coming your way.
I'm sitting in a bit of a hole at the moment, but yes, you know I have I do have faith and trust something is coming.
And also rock bottom or a hole. Someone once said to me, you've got two choices. You get to stay there or you get to change.
I'm growing, I'm definitely I'm going through big growth at the moment, big stuff.
So same.
Yeah, I love that. It's exciting, Chicken.
I think you're freaking amazing and I cannot wait to see your star.
Has been an absolute pleasure to be on your podcast and share my story and I'm so glad you had me on. Yes, let's go on to do bigger and better things. Chickens, big love. Sorry I took your sign off.
I love it. That's a wrap on another episode of Fearlessly Failing.
As always, thank you to our.
Guests, and let's continue the conversation on Instagram. I'm at Yamo Lollaberry. This potty my word for podcast is available on all streaming platforms. I'd love it if you could subscribe, rape and comment, and of course spread the love
