Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio.

Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio.

If you ask me where I'm from, I'll lie to you. I'll tell you my parents are missionaries. I'll tell you I'm from Boston. I'll tell you I'm from Texas. Those lies. People believe I'm better at lying than I am at telling the truth, because the lies don't make me nervous. It's the truth, the thought of telling it the triggers my awkward laugh, in my sweaty palms, makes me not want to look you in the eye. I know I won't like what I'll see.

If you ask me where I'm from, I'll lie to you. I'll tell you my parents are missionaries. I'll tell you I'm from Boston. I'll tell you I'm from Texas. Those lies. People believe I'm better at lying than I am at telling the truth, because the lies don't make me nervous. It's the truth, the thought of telling it the triggers my awkward laugh, in my sweaty palms, makes me not want to look you in the eye. I know I won't like what I'll see.

That's Lauren Huff, Austin based writer and author of the essay collection Leaving Isn't the Hardest Thing. Lauren's is a story of courage, transformation, and one woman's will and spirit to find a way out, to find a way through, to find a path toward the most authentic version of herself. I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is Family Secrets. The secrets that are kept from us, the secrets we keep from others, and the secrets we keep from ourselves. Tell me about the landscape or landscapes of your childhood.

That's Lauren Huff, Austin based writer and author of the essay collection Leaving Isn't the Hardest Thing. Lauren's is a story of courage, transformation, and one woman's will and spirit to find a way out, to find a way through, to find a path toward the most authentic version of herself. I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is Family Secrets. The secrets that are kept from us, the secrets we keep from others, and the secrets we keep from ourselves. Tell me about the landscape or landscapes of your childhood.

I grew up everywhere. I mean, there are there are places that I think affected me more than others and that I remember more than others. I was born in Berlin, Germany, and have no really early childhood memories of that. We left when I was I think one or two, went to Switzerland and then Argentina and Chile, and I don't remember those much either. We came back to the States for a while to Amrili, Texas, or my grandmother lived, and then went to Japan Osaka for a couple of years, and then back to Switzerland and Germany and then back to Amillo, Texas.

I grew up everywhere. I mean, there are there are places that I think affected me more than others and that I remember more than others. I was born in Berlin, Germany, and have no really early childhood memories of that. We left when I was I think one or two, went to Switzerland and then Argentina and Chile, and I don't remember those much either. We came back to the States for a while to Amrili, Texas, or my grandmother lived, and then went to Japan Osaka for a couple of years, and then back to Switzerland and Germany and then back to Amillo, Texas.

If you could pinpoint what your first memory was, what do you see and sort of how old were you when you see it?

If you could pinpoint what your first memory was, what do you see and sort of how old were you when you see it?

It's funny. I went back to Berlin, and because I was born in a commune, the address of the commune is on my birth certificate, so I was able to find the flat where I was born, and I have this very early memory of feeding little birds and sitting on those green glass tiles in front of an apartment, and the apartment still had those green glass tiles out in front of it, So I remember something from when I was maybe one and a half years old, But that's the only memory I have, as those little birds.

It's funny. I went back to Berlin, and because I was born in a commune, the address of the commune is on my birth certificate, so I was able to find the flat where I was born, and I have this very early memory of feeding little birds and sitting on those green glass tiles in front of an apartment, and the apartment still had those green glass tiles out in front of it, So I remember something from when I was maybe one and a half years old, But that's the only memory I have, as those little birds.

Was that memory something that you had before you went back and then it was confirmed or did it come to you when you went back to Berlin as an adult.

Was that memory something that you had before you went back and then it was confirmed or did it come to you when you went back to Berlin as an adult.

I was always asking where the green tiles were, just trying to different memories somewhere, because I have two older sisters and I'll ask them, you know, what was the house with the goats in it? And they'll tell me that it was in Mendoza in Argentina. Or I'll ask them what was the house with the avocado tree and they'll tell me that was Santiago, or the house with the hay on the roof. You know, these things that you see as a child that it's not the same thing as the adults see. The birds in the green titles were one of those questions I was asking, and they didn't know where that was.

I was always asking where the green tiles were, just trying to different memories somewhere, because I have two older sisters and I'll ask them, you know, what was the house with the goats in it? And they'll tell me that it was in Mendoza in Argentina. Or I'll ask them what was the house with the avocado tree and they'll tell me that was Santiago, or the house with the hay on the roof. You know, these things that you see as a child that it's not the same thing as the adults see. The birds in the green titles were one of those questions I was asking, and they didn't know where that was.

Lauren is one of four. She has two older sisters and a little brother, Mikey. Together with their parents, they are members of a commune, a cult called Children of God.

Lauren is one of four. She has two older sisters and a little brother, Mikey. Together with their parents, they are members of a commune, a cult called Children of God.

It's one of those things where it doesn't seem real now, but that was my reality and anything else seems unreal that you know. We lived in sometimes small, sometimes very large communes, sometimes in campgrounds, with a few other family members in other campers. In Stuttgart, we lived on a camper for a while and the cornfield that we used to run through because it was a lot of adults, and I don't really have many memories of the adults. I have memories of kids everywhere all the time. And when I was a kid, it seemed great. You always had someone to play with. They weren't really strict about childcare or schooling or anything else. We just played all day, which was great for me. I have this picture of my parents on my wall that I found a on occult website and I framed it because I held a lot of anger to them for a lot of my childhood. You know, how could you possibly join a cult? But no one joins the cult they you know, my fam My mother was going to University of Texas and the cult was heavily recruiting here, and they came over to her and did what they do. Do you want to hear a song about Jesus? They find depressed, isolated kids and show them unconditional love and a cause and belonging and they join. And they're joining a movement. They're joining, you know, a community of people who take care of one another. By the time you realize what you've done, it's way too late. My father was he was trying to dodge the draft. He was going to hitchhipe to Mexico and he met them outside a library in Dallas. And it's the classic don't follow the hippies to the second location, because the second location was their commune in Texas. They had a huge ranch outside of Dallas, which was where they originally kind of kicked up right around seventy one.

It's one of those things where it doesn't seem real now, but that was my reality and anything else seems unreal that you know. We lived in sometimes small, sometimes very large communes, sometimes in campgrounds, with a few other family members in other campers. In Stuttgart, we lived on a camper for a while and the cornfield that we used to run through because it was a lot of adults, and I don't really have many memories of the adults. I have memories of kids everywhere all the time. And when I was a kid, it seemed great. You always had someone to play with. They weren't really strict about childcare or schooling or anything else. We just played all day, which was great for me. I have this picture of my parents on my wall that I found a on occult website and I framed it because I held a lot of anger to them for a lot of my childhood. You know, how could you possibly join a cult? But no one joins the cult they you know, my fam My mother was going to University of Texas and the cult was heavily recruiting here, and they came over to her and did what they do. Do you want to hear a song about Jesus? They find depressed, isolated kids and show them unconditional love and a cause and belonging and they join. And they're joining a movement. They're joining, you know, a community of people who take care of one another. By the time you realize what you've done, it's way too late. My father was he was trying to dodge the draft. He was going to hitchhipe to Mexico and he met them outside a library in Dallas. And it's the classic don't follow the hippies to the second location, because the second location was their commune in Texas. They had a huge ranch outside of Dallas, which was where they originally kind of kicked up right around seventy one.

And so your parents met in the cult itself.

And so your parents met in the cult itself.

Yeah, they met in the cult. They were driving around in a double decker bus in England and my father was always the carpenter guy who could he still can, he can build anything, and he had decked out the bus with out a little kitchen and everything he needed in it so they could travel around England and their minds tell people about Jesus. And someone suggested that they should have a mass wedding. It would be super revolutionary man, and my dad thought my mom was pretty so he asked her and that was said. They're completely ill suited to one another. But uh, it lasted long enough for them to have the four of us.

Yeah, they met in the cult. They were driving around in a double decker bus in England and my father was always the carpenter guy who could he still can, he can build anything, and he had decked out the bus with out a little kitchen and everything he needed in it so they could travel around England and their minds tell people about Jesus. And someone suggested that they should have a mass wedding. It would be super revolutionary man, and my dad thought my mom was pretty so he asked her and that was said. They're completely ill suited to one another. But uh, it lasted long enough for them to have the four of us.

Every cult has a charismatic leader. In the case of Children of God, that's a man named David Berg. Berg grew up the son of a tent evangelist named Virginia Burg, who had become famous during the Great Depression during tent Revival meetings. As an adult, he wanted to start his own thing and prayed on the hippies who hung out on Huntington Beach in California. Berg and his kids would sing songs and offer hippies day old doughnuts. You just had to come hear about Jesus for a little while. In the beginning, it was all peace and love, but eventually this changed into an obsession with the end of the world. The Antichrist was coming, the apocalypse was near. The cult moved to a ranch in Texas, but media attention was intense, and David Berg disappeared. He ran the cult from a secret hiding place where he drank a lot of sherry and made his pronouncements via something he called Moe letters. One of these letters laid down the law of Love, and Children of God became a sex cult. When Lauren is six years old, she and her parents leave the cult for a short while and return to the States in a bid to save their marriage. When their marriage falters the following year, Lauren's dad takes her two older sisters back to Germany and they returned to cult life. There, the family is split up. Mom takes Lauren and her little brother, and the three of them eventually also returned to the cult, first in Dallas, and then when Lauren's ten, they're off to Osaka, Japan.

Every cult has a charismatic leader. In the case of Children of God, that's a man named David Berg. Berg grew up the son of a tent evangelist named Virginia Burg, who had become famous during the Great Depression during tent Revival meetings. As an adult, he wanted to start his own thing and prayed on the hippies who hung out on Huntington Beach in California. Berg and his kids would sing songs and offer hippies day old doughnuts. You just had to come hear about Jesus for a little while. In the beginning, it was all peace and love, but eventually this changed into an obsession with the end of the world. The Antichrist was coming, the apocalypse was near. The cult moved to a ranch in Texas, but media attention was intense, and David Berg disappeared. He ran the cult from a secret hiding place where he drank a lot of sherry and made his pronouncements via something he called Moe letters. One of these letters laid down the law of Love, and Children of God became a sex cult. When Lauren is six years old, she and her parents leave the cult for a short while and return to the States in a bid to save their marriage. When their marriage falters the following year, Lauren's dad takes her two older sisters back to Germany and they returned to cult life. There, the family is split up. Mom takes Lauren and her little brother, and the three of them eventually also returned to the cult, first in Dallas, and then when Lauren's ten, they're off to Osaka, Japan.

We went from Amory a little to Dallas to rejoin. They were doing a push to to find old members who had left. I guess their numbers were down, and they invited my mother to this meeting in Dallas, and we almost immediately moved back into a family home and went to Osaka. I mean, I wish I could tell you the kids were all right. No, the kids were not all right. The kids were I was protected from some of it, just because we were in smaller homes and not near central leadership where things were a little wilder. But yeah, I have I have vague memories of things the kids shouldn't have seen and shouldn't have been involved in. Yeah, I mean I was sheltered a little bit, even by my sisters. I remember my oldest sister waking us up and carrying my little brother out of a room because the adults were having an orgy and telling us not to look. But we'd gone to some huge comment for a party and we'd fallen asleep under a table because it was going late into the night, and she woke up and realized what was going on, and hearded us out as there. But it depended on who your parents were, depended on what homes you were in, what happened to you. My brother and I lived under the assumption for most of our lives that our dad just left and chose our sisters and not us and didn't want anything to do with us, and he never corrected the record. What we now know happened is he he left. He went to Germany. He was supposed to find a job and an apartment, and once he did that, my mom was going to come with us, and she sent him divorce papers instead and told him to choose to But my brother and I recently found out. I found out a few years ago. My brother just found out I lived in Austin and he lives in New England. He'd come down here to pick up a part for his wife, and we had a few drinks with my dad, and my dad finally told him, and my brother and I sat in my living room for the next day just kind of looking at each other, going, so, so he wanted us. Yep, all right, even at I'm forty seven, he's forty five. It's still sort of instantly fixes a lot of things that would have been nice to know.

We went from Amory a little to Dallas to rejoin. They were doing a push to to find old members who had left. I guess their numbers were down, and they invited my mother to this meeting in Dallas, and we almost immediately moved back into a family home and went to Osaka. I mean, I wish I could tell you the kids were all right. No, the kids were not all right. The kids were I was protected from some of it, just because we were in smaller homes and not near central leadership where things were a little wilder. But yeah, I have I have vague memories of things the kids shouldn't have seen and shouldn't have been involved in. Yeah, I mean I was sheltered a little bit, even by my sisters. I remember my oldest sister waking us up and carrying my little brother out of a room because the adults were having an orgy and telling us not to look. But we'd gone to some huge comment for a party and we'd fallen asleep under a table because it was going late into the night, and she woke up and realized what was going on, and hearded us out as there. But it depended on who your parents were, depended on what homes you were in, what happened to you. My brother and I lived under the assumption for most of our lives that our dad just left and chose our sisters and not us and didn't want anything to do with us, and he never corrected the record. What we now know happened is he he left. He went to Germany. He was supposed to find a job and an apartment, and once he did that, my mom was going to come with us, and she sent him divorce papers instead and told him to choose to But my brother and I recently found out. I found out a few years ago. My brother just found out I lived in Austin and he lives in New England. He'd come down here to pick up a part for his wife, and we had a few drinks with my dad, and my dad finally told him, and my brother and I sat in my living room for the next day just kind of looking at each other, going, so, so he wanted us. Yep, all right, even at I'm forty seven, he's forty five. It's still sort of instantly fixes a lot of things that would have been nice to know.

Yeah, which is such a complicated idea, The idea like that the narrative shifts and the narratives that you and your brother had, as you know, this was the story ends up not being the story, and it's a better story.

Yeah, which is such a complicated idea, The idea like that the narrative shifts and the narratives that you and your brother had, as you know, this was the story ends up not being the story, and it's a better story.

It's an absolute tragedy, but it's a better story for our the sense of who we are that you know, our dad did want us.

It's an absolute tragedy, but it's a better story for our the sense of who we are that you know, our dad did want us.

And yet you lived for all those years with that other story, which probably you know dies a slow death in a way because it was your story for so long.

And yet you lived for all those years with that other story, which probably you know dies a slow death in a way because it was your story for so long.

Yeah, it's it took me. I found out a few years, you know. I recently sort of reconnected with my father when I moved down here and he lived here, and I've just been angry at him for most of my life because he left me, and he told me when I moved down here one night on his piktack and it shifted everything. But there's also, you know, those regrets of really kind of wish someone had told me earlier. But he didn't think it was his place. He didn't want to take our mother from us too. And we're at the age now or it doesn't affect the way we feel about our mother. We know here she is, We love her a lot. She is who she is.

Yeah, it's it took me. I found out a few years, you know. I recently sort of reconnected with my father when I moved down here and he lived here, and I've just been angry at him for most of my life because he left me, and he told me when I moved down here one night on his piktack and it shifted everything. But there's also, you know, those regrets of really kind of wish someone had told me earlier. But he didn't think it was his place. He didn't want to take our mother from us too. And we're at the age now or it doesn't affect the way we feel about our mother. We know here she is, We love her a lot. She is who she is.

Did you wrestle with whether or not to tell your brother during those years, or did you feel that it was your father's story to tell.

Did you wrestle with whether or not to tell your brother during those years, or did you feel that it was your father's story to tell.

I thought about it. He's been our dad too for a long time, and he's made allusions to you know, it's just like this old man and he's probably knows he's dying soon and wants to reconnect with me. And I guess that's fine. And I wanted to tell him so badly, but I didn't think he would hear it. Covering from me.

I thought about it. He's been our dad too for a long time, and he's made allusions to you know, it's just like this old man and he's probably knows he's dying soon and wants to reconnect with me. And I guess that's fine. And I wanted to tell him so badly, but I didn't think he would hear it. Covering from me.

We'll be back in a moment with more family secrets. After her parents divorced, Lauren's mother had met a man in Texas named Gabe. Gabe was a bartender, not part of the Children of God when they met, but he ended up joining. Of course, Lauren's mom didn't pitch it to him as a cult. That word only came long after. At the time, she considered herself to be a missionary fighting the good fight, going overseas to teach people about Jesus. Gabe was a religious man to begin with, so the mission appealed to him and he joined the family on their path. But after five years in Osaka, when Lauren is fifteen, her mom decides it's time to leave again, this time for good. She wakes up to the fact that her children aren't getting any sort of real education there and she can't protect them from abuse. She also wants Lauren's sisters to leave the cult, and knows there's a better chance of this happening if she leaves. Two Lauren and Mikey go to live with their grandmother in Amarillo. Lauren's sisters, however, stay in the cult for a little while longer.

We'll be back in a moment with more family secrets. After her parents divorced, Lauren's mother had met a man in Texas named Gabe. Gabe was a bartender, not part of the Children of God when they met, but he ended up joining. Of course, Lauren's mom didn't pitch it to him as a cult. That word only came long after. At the time, she considered herself to be a missionary fighting the good fight, going overseas to teach people about Jesus. Gabe was a religious man to begin with, so the mission appealed to him and he joined the family on their path. But after five years in Osaka, when Lauren is fifteen, her mom decides it's time to leave again, this time for good. She wakes up to the fact that her children aren't getting any sort of real education there and she can't protect them from abuse. She also wants Lauren's sisters to leave the cult, and knows there's a better chance of this happening if she leaves. Two Lauren and Mikey go to live with their grandmother in Amarillo. Lauren's sisters, however, stay in the cult for a little while longer.

That was hard on my mom too. We didn't know if they would ever follow us out. Once you were a teenager in the family, you could stay on your own. You didn't have to leave with your parents. And part of the reason they split people up so thoroughly put a lot of kids didn't live with their in the same homes with their parents. A lot of us were split up, whether our parents were divorced or intact or not. And they put kids in schools, not actual schools, they were homes that were called schools. And then we'd learn about Jesus and Me in time in the anti Christ all day. But they split people up. Teenagers would go to teen homes. There was no way she could get them out. So when we left, she made it her mission from that point on to get my sisters out. They would come to visit, and she made them get their gedes and driver's licenses so that they would have something to fall back on should they leave. And yeah, it was. It was a full court press. Every time they did come to visit. My mom would gather. All right, So we don't talk about it about the family. We don't talk anything about you know, David Berg. We don't discuss any of it. We're really proud of them, we're happy they're doing what they're doing, because if we made ourselves enemies of the cult, they wouldn't be allowed to come visit.

That was hard on my mom too. We didn't know if they would ever follow us out. Once you were a teenager in the family, you could stay on your own. You didn't have to leave with your parents. And part of the reason they split people up so thoroughly put a lot of kids didn't live with their in the same homes with their parents. A lot of us were split up, whether our parents were divorced or intact or not. And they put kids in schools, not actual schools, they were homes that were called schools. And then we'd learn about Jesus and Me in time in the anti Christ all day. But they split people up. Teenagers would go to teen homes. There was no way she could get them out. So when we left, she made it her mission from that point on to get my sisters out. They would come to visit, and she made them get their gedes and driver's licenses so that they would have something to fall back on should they leave. And yeah, it was. It was a full court press. Every time they did come to visit. My mom would gather. All right, So we don't talk about it about the family. We don't talk anything about you know, David Berg. We don't discuss any of it. We're really proud of them, we're happy they're doing what they're doing, because if we made ourselves enemies of the cult, they wouldn't be allowed to come visit.

And to top that off, you're fifteen years old, write smack dab in the middle of adolescents, and you have no learned social skills of the kind that happen when kids are growing up in an environment that isn't a bubble. You're being quote unquote homeschooled, which basically it isn't school, right, it isn't school at all.

And to top that off, you're fifteen years old, write smack dab in the middle of adolescents, and you have no learned social skills of the kind that happen when kids are growing up in an environment that isn't a bubble. You're being quote unquote homeschooled, which basically it isn't school, right, it isn't school at all.

We signed up for a correspondence courses. Now they did it pre internet. They would mail you books and materials. I would read through the books for the year in the first night, and then we would randomly have to pass little tests that they would mail in and you would get your grade. But no, my brother and I spent most of the day watching TV. My mom was cleaning houses. Gabe was off giving one of those how to make a million dollars. He joined I think at least four pyramid schemes, but he was not going to work for a living. It's determined to not. But yeah, they were gone during the day, so we would watch TV and try to learn how to be human.

We signed up for a correspondence courses. Now they did it pre internet. They would mail you books and materials. I would read through the books for the year in the first night, and then we would randomly have to pass little tests that they would mail in and you would get your grade. But no, my brother and I spent most of the day watching TV. My mom was cleaning houses. Gabe was off giving one of those how to make a million dollars. He joined I think at least four pyramid schemes, but he was not going to work for a living. It's determined to not. But yeah, they were gone during the day, so we would watch TV and try to learn how to be human.

Lauren's grandmother was, in Lauren's words, Amarillo's soul liberal. She's unusual in other ways as well. Even though outside of family members aren't supposed to visit the commune. Lauren's grandmother manages to do just that. She sits through sermons and listens to them preach at her. She sings along with all the songs she helps in the kitchen, anything to keep her daughter and her grandchildren close.

Lauren's grandmother was, in Lauren's words, Amarillo's soul liberal. She's unusual in other ways as well. Even though outside of family members aren't supposed to visit the commune. Lauren's grandmother manages to do just that. She sits through sermons and listens to them preach at her. She sings along with all the songs she helps in the kitchen, anything to keep her daughter and her grandchildren close.

I didn't see it at the time, but I know now it was calculated that the only way she was going to maintain contact with her daughters if she remained, you know, super friendly to the cult. And you know I can't join myself, but I really support everything you guys are doing. And this is terrisa. Take it now, let's sing another song about Jesus.

I didn't see it at the time, but I know now it was calculated that the only way she was going to maintain contact with her daughters if she remained, you know, super friendly to the cult. And you know I can't join myself, but I really support everything you guys are doing. And this is terrisa. Take it now, let's sing another song about Jesus.

Well, in a way, your mom replicated that a little bit when your sisters would come to visit.

Well, in a way, your mom replicated that a little bit when your sisters would come to visit.

She did. She learned from the best. May like kurrn Of, there was a little bit subversive. She was always sending me books, just whatever paperback she had laying around the house. Clearly there would be a Danielle Steele, and there are a Jackie Collins, arn't a copy of White Fang. But then there would be a copy of The Handmaid's Tale. And my mother would would let me keep the books, which I would have to hide them under my mattress. I got caught with them, I would be in trouble, but most families didn't, didn't give their kids books. I don't know many kids who did have access to books, but I did because my grandmother made sure of it.

She did. She learned from the best. May like kurrn Of, there was a little bit subversive. She was always sending me books, just whatever paperback she had laying around the house. Clearly there would be a Danielle Steele, and there are a Jackie Collins, arn't a copy of White Fang. But then there would be a copy of The Handmaid's Tale. And my mother would would let me keep the books, which I would have to hide them under my mattress. I got caught with them, I would be in trouble, but most families didn't, didn't give their kids books. I don't know many kids who did have access to books, but I did because my grandmother made sure of it.

Lauren's grandmother is providing a robust education for her, giving her access to all sorts of reading material. And then, when Lauren's in her senior year of high school, she actually goes to high school, person her world widens. Suddenly she's part of a whole new social landscape. Things aren't going terrifically for her. Socially, she hasn't exactly had much experience, but she's figuring it out. One day during her senior year, she comes across a newspaper obituary for David Berg. She's shocked to learn he's died, and she rips out the clipping, folds it up, and stuffs it into her jeans pocket. She hoards it away for later, knowing she needs to study it, read it carefully, and look at the photograph of a man she'd never seen before, but who impacted her family's life so much. She shows the clipping to Mikey and to her mom, both of whom encourage her to never tell anyone she'd been part of a cult. Her mother warns her to never speak of it again.

Lauren's grandmother is providing a robust education for her, giving her access to all sorts of reading material. And then, when Lauren's in her senior year of high school, she actually goes to high school, person her world widens. Suddenly she's part of a whole new social landscape. Things aren't going terrifically for her. Socially, she hasn't exactly had much experience, but she's figuring it out. One day during her senior year, she comes across a newspaper obituary for David Berg. She's shocked to learn he's died, and she rips out the clipping, folds it up, and stuffs it into her jeans pocket. She hoards it away for later, knowing she needs to study it, read it carefully, and look at the photograph of a man she'd never seen before, but who impacted her family's life so much. She shows the clipping to Mikey and to her mom, both of whom encourage her to never tell anyone she'd been part of a cult. Her mother warns her to never speak of it again.

It took me a really long time to let that idea go because it sunk in and we were told and when we were little kids, we lied to my grandmother about where we were and what we were doing. We lied to my cousins, we lied to everybody who was not in the family. We were just Christian missionaries, definitely not affiliated with those people anymore. We always changed our names in the cult, and we always have to practice when we would come back to visit to use our legal names that people knew us by it, because you know, you can't call your sister esther when that's not her name, anything that could raise a question. We were paranoid about it, and we were taught to be paranoid about it. I understand where my mother was coming from, and I understand her fears about it, but at the same time, it created this this secret that was so isolating because there was a huge part of my life that I thought I could never tell anyone, and I believed her and I believed you know. The little experience I had with with people knowing about the cult is that you know, they look at you strange, and they look at you funny, and you know, they take people's kids away, and there were homes rated where you know, children were taken into foster care. But it seemed like this huge secret that I had to keep, and I didn't even know where. I didn't know how to explain it to myself, much less how to explain it to another person.

It took me a really long time to let that idea go because it sunk in and we were told and when we were little kids, we lied to my grandmother about where we were and what we were doing. We lied to my cousins, we lied to everybody who was not in the family. We were just Christian missionaries, definitely not affiliated with those people anymore. We always changed our names in the cult, and we always have to practice when we would come back to visit to use our legal names that people knew us by it, because you know, you can't call your sister esther when that's not her name, anything that could raise a question. We were paranoid about it, and we were taught to be paranoid about it. I understand where my mother was coming from, and I understand her fears about it, but at the same time, it created this this secret that was so isolating because there was a huge part of my life that I thought I could never tell anyone, and I believed her and I believed you know. The little experience I had with with people knowing about the cult is that you know, they look at you strange, and they look at you funny, and you know, they take people's kids away, and there were homes rated where you know, children were taken into foster care. But it seemed like this huge secret that I had to keep, and I didn't even know where. I didn't know how to explain it to myself, much less how to explain it to another person.

And the cult wasn't the only secret Lauren was keeping. There was another kind of secret, the secret of her very self.

And the cult wasn't the only secret Lauren was keeping. There was another kind of secret, the secret of her very self.

I know I wasn't interested in men or boys, but I liked hanging out with them, and for the most part, I got really lucky with guys. Like my high school boyfriend was a rodeo cowboy and just a really sweet guy, and I would go out to his ranch and ride horses, and sometimes he would grind on me and try to fill me up, but he was a good Christian boy and that's as far as it went. So that was just something I had to put up with in order to ride horses or have a boyfriend and be normal like everybody else. I assumed everybody was the same way about men. It didn't occur to me that there were girls who enjoyed having sex with boys. I was in my thirties before I realized that there are girls who enjoy giving blowjobs. I just, why would you? It didn't occur to me, but I didn't realize I was listen. I had feelings. There was the Freedom ninety video that George Michael won and eventually start sitting against the wall smoking a cigarette. I definitely had feelings about it, but I didn't recognize those as homosexual feelings or that I was gay. I couldn't possibly be, because they I had always been a tomboy growing up, and they had always had me praying against this homosexual spirit. And to admit that I might be gay, they would be to admit that they were right about me, and I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I went into the Air Force right after high school, and I realized it then pretty quickly. But it's not something that, oh, here's a moment where I suddenly understand I'm the lesbian. I'd always known. I just didn't say it out loud, even to myself. I told my older sister first. When I was in the Air Force. I went out to visit her in Rhode Island. I was deeply depressed and really not sure what to do about it or anything else, and I needed to tell someone. And she had just left the family. She and her husband had her into a little apartment in Rhode Island with their two little kids at the time, and we were hanging out in her kitchen. We're painting it and peeling wallpaper, and you know, I was trying to help her with as much as I could while I was there, and I just sort of blurred it out of what if I'm a lesbian? And she started cackling because she was right. I mean, the sister reaction you get is, yeah, she was right, and so she was thrilled with that because she's been right about me all along, and it sort of softened it. She claims she didn't tell my mother, but I'm pretty sure she did. She's got a big balance. I could not have told her. But the one joy more than being right is telling on each other.

I know I wasn't interested in men or boys, but I liked hanging out with them, and for the most part, I got really lucky with guys. Like my high school boyfriend was a rodeo cowboy and just a really sweet guy, and I would go out to his ranch and ride horses, and sometimes he would grind on me and try to fill me up, but he was a good Christian boy and that's as far as it went. So that was just something I had to put up with in order to ride horses or have a boyfriend and be normal like everybody else. I assumed everybody was the same way about men. It didn't occur to me that there were girls who enjoyed having sex with boys. I was in my thirties before I realized that there are girls who enjoy giving blowjobs. I just, why would you? It didn't occur to me, but I didn't realize I was listen. I had feelings. There was the Freedom ninety video that George Michael won and eventually start sitting against the wall smoking a cigarette. I definitely had feelings about it, but I didn't recognize those as homosexual feelings or that I was gay. I couldn't possibly be, because they I had always been a tomboy growing up, and they had always had me praying against this homosexual spirit. And to admit that I might be gay, they would be to admit that they were right about me, and I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I went into the Air Force right after high school, and I realized it then pretty quickly. But it's not something that, oh, here's a moment where I suddenly understand I'm the lesbian. I'd always known. I just didn't say it out loud, even to myself. I told my older sister first. When I was in the Air Force. I went out to visit her in Rhode Island. I was deeply depressed and really not sure what to do about it or anything else, and I needed to tell someone. And she had just left the family. She and her husband had her into a little apartment in Rhode Island with their two little kids at the time, and we were hanging out in her kitchen. We're painting it and peeling wallpaper, and you know, I was trying to help her with as much as I could while I was there, and I just sort of blurred it out of what if I'm a lesbian? And she started cackling because she was right. I mean, the sister reaction you get is, yeah, she was right, and so she was thrilled with that because she's been right about me all along, and it sort of softened it. She claims she didn't tell my mother, but I'm pretty sure she did. She's got a big balance. I could not have told her. But the one joy more than being right is telling on each other.

So and I'm imagining that, realizing like that anyone within children of God, that would have been just kind of a massive, you know, like an unacceptable thing.

So and I'm imagining that, realizing like that anyone within children of God, that would have been just kind of a massive, you know, like an unacceptable thing.

But gad, Yeah, I mean, Berg was your typical douchebag founder prophet whenever of the children of God. So male homosexuality was completely outlawed. Female homosexual lady was allowed as long as you were doing it for the benefit of men. So you could have sex was a woman if you are an adult or whatever you considered old enough to have sex that year, but it had to be with a man.

But gad, Yeah, I mean, Berg was your typical douchebag founder prophet whenever of the children of God. So male homosexuality was completely outlawed. Female homosexual lady was allowed as long as you were doing it for the benefit of men. So you could have sex was a woman if you are an adult or whatever you considered old enough to have sex that year, but it had to be with a man.

We'll be right back. When Lauren joins the US military, she has to tread even more carefully when it comes to telling people about herself. Simple questions like where are you from can lead down rabbit holes. If she starts reeling off all the places she lived as a child, that might be a flag. So she doesn't. She finds the simplest things to say that will placate people, vague answers that don't reveal much. This shields her and protects her, but it also isolates her. It means she's not going to be known, she's not going to be seen, she's not going to be under stood.

We'll be right back. When Lauren joins the US military, she has to tread even more carefully when it comes to telling people about herself. Simple questions like where are you from can lead down rabbit holes. If she starts reeling off all the places she lived as a child, that might be a flag. So she doesn't. She finds the simplest things to say that will placate people, vague answers that don't reveal much. This shields her and protects her, but it also isolates her. It means she's not going to be known, she's not going to be seen, she's not going to be under stood.

Yeah, it's a strange thing to live most of your life desperately trying to not be interesting. It was mostly shame. But you don't want to spark anyone's interest. You don't want to give them an answer that would lead to a follow up questurn So you say, and my parents were weird hippies. We're missionaries for a while, and that doesn't, from my experience, doesn't lead to many follow up questions. They'll say, oh, lots of astrology. Yeah, I can tell you anything about being a pisces, and then everybody likes to discuss astrology, so you're good. But I was lying about everything to everyone and biomission sure, but also I didn't know how to make friends anyway. But I didn't know what to talk to them about, because you know, part of making a friend is, you know, figuring out what your shared history is. If you ever met someone from the same hometown, you know you have something to talk about you. It's those initial things. So I tried to find other things. I became a baseball fan so that I could talk about the Red Sox and then people wouldn't ask me about anything else. I would get really into music so that I could talk about music, and I could detour any conversation about my past and just bring up something silly. They would ask why my parents, and I'd say, my mom washpy, oh, yeah, she saw Janis Joplin live, and then we could talk about Janis Joplin anything to derail a conversation from why I don't know any pop culture references. I also lived under this suption that a lot of people knew a lot more than I did, that they'd learned all these things in school that I didn't. And it turns out I think I learned picked up most of it by reading, but that was still really self conscious about not knowing about a TV show from the eighties.

Yeah, it's a strange thing to live most of your life desperately trying to not be interesting. It was mostly shame. But you don't want to spark anyone's interest. You don't want to give them an answer that would lead to a follow up questurn So you say, and my parents were weird hippies. We're missionaries for a while, and that doesn't, from my experience, doesn't lead to many follow up questions. They'll say, oh, lots of astrology. Yeah, I can tell you anything about being a pisces, and then everybody likes to discuss astrology, so you're good. But I was lying about everything to everyone and biomission sure, but also I didn't know how to make friends anyway. But I didn't know what to talk to them about, because you know, part of making a friend is, you know, figuring out what your shared history is. If you ever met someone from the same hometown, you know you have something to talk about you. It's those initial things. So I tried to find other things. I became a baseball fan so that I could talk about the Red Sox and then people wouldn't ask me about anything else. I would get really into music so that I could talk about music, and I could detour any conversation about my past and just bring up something silly. They would ask why my parents, and I'd say, my mom washpy, oh, yeah, she saw Janis Joplin live, and then we could talk about Janis Joplin anything to derail a conversation from why I don't know any pop culture references. I also lived under this suption that a lot of people knew a lot more than I did, that they'd learned all these things in school that I didn't. And it turns out I think I learned picked up most of it by reading, but that was still really self conscious about not knowing about a TV show from the eighties.

It's such an interesting theme on this podcast has come up so many times, family secrets and deflection, you know, deflecting the curious, shutting down conversations in a really graceful way, learning how to do that so that people won't even know what hit them and suddenly they're talking about Janis Joplin concerts or you know, astrology, and you know, it just strikes me that it takes so much psychic energy to do that, and yet it becomes sort of second nature that this is what you have to do. And then like during that period of time when you're in the Air Force, there is this whole other layer of secrecy because, as you said, you're enlisting and you're becoming part of the Air Force kind of coincides with you're coming out to yourself, and you're certainly not in an environment where you can come out to the people around you, and you're square solidly in the don't ask, don't tell phase of the US military.

It's such an interesting theme on this podcast has come up so many times, family secrets and deflection, you know, deflecting the curious, shutting down conversations in a really graceful way, learning how to do that so that people won't even know what hit them and suddenly they're talking about Janis Joplin concerts or you know, astrology, and you know, it just strikes me that it takes so much psychic energy to do that, and yet it becomes sort of second nature that this is what you have to do. And then like during that period of time when you're in the Air Force, there is this whole other layer of secrecy because, as you said, you're enlisting and you're becoming part of the Air Force kind of coincides with you're coming out to yourself, and you're certainly not in an environment where you can come out to the people around you, and you're square solidly in the don't ask, don't tell phase of the US military.

Yeah, for me, it was that complete isolation because I was fighting in my past, but I was also hiding who I was. It's you have to know when you make a friend, whether or not you can trust who they are when they're angry. There's a lot of people get turned in by their exes or by you know, someone's pissed at you. If you have someone money, if you for whatever reason, at any point they could report you and that could be the end of your career. But I don't think I realized until I was getting out how exhausting it was. Just every conversation, every interaction, every Monday at the smoke pit, when everybody's talking about their weekend, and I have to lie or at least change the subject or ask about someone else's I can never say where I was, what I was doing, who I.

Yeah, for me, it was that complete isolation because I was fighting in my past, but I was also hiding who I was. It's you have to know when you make a friend, whether or not you can trust who they are when they're angry. There's a lot of people get turned in by their exes or by you know, someone's pissed at you. If you have someone money, if you for whatever reason, at any point they could report you and that could be the end of your career. But I don't think I realized until I was getting out how exhausting it was. Just every conversation, every interaction, every Monday at the smoke pit, when everybody's talking about their weekend, and I have to lie or at least change the subject or ask about someone else's I can never say where I was, what I was doing, who I.

Was with, And in fact it became actually dangerous for you.

Was with, And in fact it became actually dangerous for you.

Yeah, just like when I was a kid, I don't hide it well that I'm a lesbian. I was a little tomboy who wanted to play with boys and never wanted to wear skirts, and never was interested in doing my hair or makeup. And in the Air Force, I got a little boulder and cut my hair short. And I'm still I'm a butch lesbian and I look like it. If I based my wardrobe on my little tony, I would still, you know, be accosted in bathrooms because I just I'm six feet told, I can't hide that I'm gay. So people knew anyway, there were people I told there were for the most part. You know, my generation at the time, you know, the late nineties were raised on MTV, so it was deeply uncool already to be a homophobe or to be a bigot, But there were still, you know, it just took one wrong person. So as I became more comfortable with myself and became more comfortable with the other airmen in my building, a few of them knew. A few of them asked, and we're fine with it, and most people didn't care. But someone did. I started getting strange threats left on my car. It started. I was stationed in South Carolina, but my unit had gone to Egypt for an exercise and my boss gave me his rental car when he left, and someone had written die Dike on the back of it, and I thought, I thought it was someone playing a prank who was really bad at pranks, until I got back and there were more of them, so it was clearly not a prank. Yeah, my car got torched when I was babysitting for that same boss. He was sitting his kid. He was gone for the weekend, and my car went op smoking them all of the night. So it's that all I wanted was to love lose South Carolina, and I was about to leave. I got orders for Greece, and I was I'm excited to go to Greece. And then I think it was a couple of weeks before I left, maybe a month, my car got torched, and all I could think about was, well, shit, what about Greece. They very intentionally decided that the easiest way to deal with this situation of someone is sending me death threats and torching my car. The best resolution for this is to prove that I torched my own car because I didn't want to go to Greece was the motive they had in mind, and made up the death threats even though people had seen them, And so they investigated me for about a year and then they court martialed me for it and I was acquitted. But by then part of the investigation was going around to single air on base and asking them if they knew Airman Huff was gay and if they'd ever seen Airman Huff being her assed. So everybody, I'm very stale with gay. I couldn't do my job anymore. They had me working in the gym handing out towels because my security clearance was either revoked or suspended until the outcome of the investigation. But it was just done. I knew I couldn't stay in the Air Force.

Yeah, just like when I was a kid, I don't hide it well that I'm a lesbian. I was a little tomboy who wanted to play with boys and never wanted to wear skirts, and never was interested in doing my hair or makeup. And in the Air Force, I got a little boulder and cut my hair short. And I'm still I'm a butch lesbian and I look like it. If I based my wardrobe on my little tony, I would still, you know, be accosted in bathrooms because I just I'm six feet told, I can't hide that I'm gay. So people knew anyway, there were people I told there were for the most part. You know, my generation at the time, you know, the late nineties were raised on MTV, so it was deeply uncool already to be a homophobe or to be a bigot, But there were still, you know, it just took one wrong person. So as I became more comfortable with myself and became more comfortable with the other airmen in my building, a few of them knew. A few of them asked, and we're fine with it, and most people didn't care. But someone did. I started getting strange threats left on my car. It started. I was stationed in South Carolina, but my unit had gone to Egypt for an exercise and my boss gave me his rental car when he left, and someone had written die Dike on the back of it, and I thought, I thought it was someone playing a prank who was really bad at pranks, until I got back and there were more of them, so it was clearly not a prank. Yeah, my car got torched when I was babysitting for that same boss. He was sitting his kid. He was gone for the weekend, and my car went op smoking them all of the night. So it's that all I wanted was to love lose South Carolina, and I was about to leave. I got orders for Greece, and I was I'm excited to go to Greece. And then I think it was a couple of weeks before I left, maybe a month, my car got torched, and all I could think about was, well, shit, what about Greece. They very intentionally decided that the easiest way to deal with this situation of someone is sending me death threats and torching my car. The best resolution for this is to prove that I torched my own car because I didn't want to go to Greece was the motive they had in mind, and made up the death threats even though people had seen them, And so they investigated me for about a year and then they court martialed me for it and I was acquitted. But by then part of the investigation was going around to single air on base and asking them if they knew Airman Huff was gay and if they'd ever seen Airman Huff being her assed. So everybody, I'm very stale with gay. I couldn't do my job anymore. They had me working in the gym handing out towels because my security clearance was either revoked or suspended until the outcome of the investigation. But it was just done. I knew I couldn't stay in the Air Force.

So you left the Air Force and you were honorably discharged.

So you left the Air Force and you were honorably discharged.

You did tell Yeah.

You did tell Yeah.

Over the next decade or so, Lauren continues to live her life, always longing for connection. She works a number of jobs as a bartender and a self described cable guy, for example, all the while hiding the history of her upbringing. Her shame keeps her quiet. With the exception of her siblings, she has nobody to corroborate her childhood, nobody with whom to remember or to face the shame. Sometimes She wonders that the cult was even real, if anything is real, But then she discovers a website with message boards for former cult members, particularly cult babies who grew up in Children of God. When Lauren is on one of the message boards, she encounters a girl she'd known in Osaka, a real girl. In turn, this makes Lauren realize something she hasn't ever fully realized before. She's real too. Seeing and being seen on this message board makes her realize that it all happened and that she exists.

Over the next decade or so, Lauren continues to live her life, always longing for connection. She works a number of jobs as a bartender and a self described cable guy, for example, all the while hiding the history of her upbringing. Her shame keeps her quiet. With the exception of her siblings, she has nobody to corroborate her childhood, nobody with whom to remember or to face the shame. Sometimes She wonders that the cult was even real, if anything is real, But then she discovers a website with message boards for former cult members, particularly cult babies who grew up in Children of God. When Lauren is on one of the message boards, she encounters a girl she'd known in Osaka, a real girl. In turn, this makes Lauren realize something she hasn't ever fully realized before. She's real too. Seeing and being seen on this message board makes her realize that it all happened and that she exists.

You know, if the narrative is you can't tell anyone because they'll never understand, because they'll reject you, then that secret, no matter what it is, becomes shame. It's just how that works your mind. If this is something horrific that I can never tell anyone, then it's something that's wrong with me that I could never tell anyone, And it becomes something I did when I didn't control where I was born or where I was. But finding the others, I stayed up so many nights just talking to them. The funniest thing about it, I think is that we were having fun. I think what I would imagine of, you know, us talking about some of the more horrific stuff that happened, and you know, fact checking our memories of the abuses and the neglect or any of that is. We were having fun and making jokes about three sheets of toilet paper because that was a rule, you could only use three sheets of toilet paper, and intentionally planting those shitty little songs in each other's ears, someone like type four lines that everybody yell at them with, ow dare you? It was what I'd been missing that whole time that everyone else gets where they you know, they meet someone who was into the same TV show, or everybody remembers, you know, slip and slides. We didn't have slip and slides. We had those songs and those videos and you know, dance night and bunk beds, and yet we were having fun. We still do. And so while I don't hang out there as much anymore. They moved on to Facebook, but every once in a while, I'll still check in with people who remember. I don't know where I would be with that if I hadn't found that of you know, these are people who who I can fact check my own memories with because I don't know what's real. Sometimes it seems like a movie I watched. It's so different, so bizarre, that it doesn't make sense in my current reality.

You know, if the narrative is you can't tell anyone because they'll never understand, because they'll reject you, then that secret, no matter what it is, becomes shame. It's just how that works your mind. If this is something horrific that I can never tell anyone, then it's something that's wrong with me that I could never tell anyone, And it becomes something I did when I didn't control where I was born or where I was. But finding the others, I stayed up so many nights just talking to them. The funniest thing about it, I think is that we were having fun. I think what I would imagine of, you know, us talking about some of the more horrific stuff that happened, and you know, fact checking our memories of the abuses and the neglect or any of that is. We were having fun and making jokes about three sheets of toilet paper because that was a rule, you could only use three sheets of toilet paper, and intentionally planting those shitty little songs in each other's ears, someone like type four lines that everybody yell at them with, ow dare you? It was what I'd been missing that whole time that everyone else gets where they you know, they meet someone who was into the same TV show, or everybody remembers, you know, slip and slides. We didn't have slip and slides. We had those songs and those videos and you know, dance night and bunk beds, and yet we were having fun. We still do. And so while I don't hang out there as much anymore. They moved on to Facebook, but every once in a while, I'll still check in with people who remember. I don't know where I would be with that if I hadn't found that of you know, these are people who who I can fact check my own memories with because I don't know what's real. Sometimes it seems like a movie I watched. It's so different, so bizarre, that it doesn't make sense in my current reality.

But Lauren wants to feel real offline too. The message board has been life changing, but she's looking for ways to bring that sense of reality into her life in real time as she's living it. She thinks back on a conversation she once had with Mikey about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Mikey had said, I want to be a painter, and Lauren had said, I want to be a writer. To this, mike Equipped, who are we kidding? We'll both end up tending bar. Of course, Lauren did end up tending bar, but now she's ready to pursue something else, something she's always been drawn to do. Her brother feels the same, and they both do it. He becomes a painter and she becomes a writer.

But Lauren wants to feel real offline too. The message board has been life changing, but she's looking for ways to bring that sense of reality into her life in real time as she's living it. She thinks back on a conversation she once had with Mikey about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Mikey had said, I want to be a painter, and Lauren had said, I want to be a writer. To this, mike Equipped, who are we kidding? We'll both end up tending bar. Of course, Lauren did end up tending bar, but now she's ready to pursue something else, something she's always been drawn to do. Her brother feels the same, and they both do it. He becomes a painter and she becomes a writer.

I think bartending is great training for writers. Really. You get to watch conversations all the time, You get to watch how people interact.

I think bartending is great training for writers. Really. You get to watch conversations all the time, You get to watch how people interact.

I tell my students a lot of the time. You know, if you want to be writer, don't get a job in publishing. Go ten bar.

I tell my students a lot of the time. You know, if you want to be writer, don't get a job in publishing. Go ten bar.

Truly, Yeah, you're you're the person everyone talks to because you have to talk to them. If I go into a bar, that's who I talked to, was the bartender. They've got great stories. But yeah, the idea I could be a writer that came from I would read everything, and it never occurred to me that what I was writing could be published. That was something other people did. I don't know why I didn't put those two things together. I just didn't. I don't know if it's because I didn't think much about what it was going to be when I grew up. I don't know if it's because I didn't truly understand that I would grow up, although I don't know who does. But it was in one of those cul baby groups a trend of mine. Taylor Stevens sent me a book that she had written, and she said she was going to try to get it published, and I thought that sounded ridiculous, but I was happy to read it for her, and I did, and I gave her a couple crappy notes. I didn't know what I was doing. And then her book was in bookstores. I was like, great, we can do this how And I guess the importance of seeing a role model do it. But I also didn't know. I tried to write thrillers for a while. I'm terrible at them. I just couldn't write one. There all sounded exactly like whoever I read last. I just couldn't sound like me at all. But there were all these stories that I kept writing, and I kept just posting them in call baby forums for other members, but I was too terrified to do it publicly. Until I think I didn't really have a choice if I was either going to write this or I was going to give up on the idea of being a writer.

Truly, Yeah, you're you're the person everyone talks to because you have to talk to them. If I go into a bar, that's who I talked to, was the bartender. They've got great stories. But yeah, the idea I could be a writer that came from I would read everything, and it never occurred to me that what I was writing could be published. That was something other people did. I don't know why I didn't put those two things together. I just didn't. I don't know if it's because I didn't think much about what it was going to be when I grew up. I don't know if it's because I didn't truly understand that I would grow up, although I don't know who does. But it was in one of those cul baby groups a trend of mine. Taylor Stevens sent me a book that she had written, and she said she was going to try to get it published, and I thought that sounded ridiculous, but I was happy to read it for her, and I did, and I gave her a couple crappy notes. I didn't know what I was doing. And then her book was in bookstores. I was like, great, we can do this how And I guess the importance of seeing a role model do it. But I also didn't know. I tried to write thrillers for a while. I'm terrible at them. I just couldn't write one. There all sounded exactly like whoever I read last. I just couldn't sound like me at all. But there were all these stories that I kept writing, and I kept just posting them in call baby forums for other members, but I was too terrified to do it publicly. Until I think I didn't really have a choice if I was either going to write this or I was going to give up on the idea of being a writer.

For a while, Lauren struggled with how to tell her story. First, she wrote a manuscript that was more of a tell all about children of God, because that's what she thought people wanted to hear. That book didn't sell, but then she wrote a quirky, powerful essay about being the cable guy, and that essay went viral, giving her another chance to tell her story her way.

For a while, Lauren struggled with how to tell her story. First, she wrote a manuscript that was more of a tell all about children of God, because that's what she thought people wanted to hear. That book didn't sell, but then she wrote a quirky, powerful essay about being the cable guy, and that essay went viral, giving her another chance to tell her story her way.

I think writing for me people will ask you if it's therapy, and I don't think it is. I think it's the opposite of it. But rewriting and writing over and over, I think you cut down to what's actually important and what story you want to tell, and I was lucky that I got to do the story that I wanted to tell, which is that I don't think we're all that different. I don't think we all have these secrets that we think are horrific and can never be shared. And the second do you share them, someone goes, oh, me too, And it happens every time. I think it's the clearest indication for me that I did okay with the book is that my siblings were understandably pretty nervous about me writing it. And when I hit the best seller list, my brother's wife went around telling all the neighbors because she's Italian from Norse Providence, and the neighbors have to know is that her sister in law is the best seller New York Time is the bestseller. My brother was like, oh man, they're not going to let her kid come over and play. They're not gonna let kids go over to her house. And he was terrified about it. And she started rattling off every neighbor's dirt through the old neighborhood, yelling and I won't do the accident and the yelling, but shouting about that guy down there is alcoholic, that guy down there has been to prison. She's like, so you're a grow up in it. Nobody cares, James, because nobody cares.

I think writing for me people will ask you if it's therapy, and I don't think it is. I think it's the opposite of it. But rewriting and writing over and over, I think you cut down to what's actually important and what story you want to tell, and I was lucky that I got to do the story that I wanted to tell, which is that I don't think we're all that different. I don't think we all have these secrets that we think are horrific and can never be shared. And the second do you share them, someone goes, oh, me too, And it happens every time. I think it's the clearest indication for me that I did okay with the book is that my siblings were understandably pretty nervous about me writing it. And when I hit the best seller list, my brother's wife went around telling all the neighbors because she's Italian from Norse Providence, and the neighbors have to know is that her sister in law is the best seller New York Time is the bestseller. My brother was like, oh man, they're not going to let her kid come over and play. They're not gonna let kids go over to her house. And he was terrified about it. And she started rattling off every neighbor's dirt through the old neighborhood, yelling and I won't do the accident and the yelling, but shouting about that guy down there is alcoholic, that guy down there has been to prison. She's like, so you're a grow up in it. Nobody cares, James, because nobody cares.

Here's Lauren reading one last passage from leaving. Isn't the hardest thing?

Here's Lauren reading one last passage from leaving. Isn't the hardest thing?

For years, I kept the secret even if I wanted to someone. There's no handbook to announce that sort of thing. I thought sometimes, back when I thought of it at all, that I should make a poster like the ones we used to hand out, maybe a picture of me on the front, like a lost kid poster. My name is Lauren and I was in the family. It's a cult. Nope, not that one. No kool aid, just an old guy. As i'd attack to God. But what can I really tell you to explain my life. I know it's fascinating because it's so different, but it's so fucking different, and no matter what I say, it'll still be foreign to you. I can't tell you what it feels like to live in a constant state of alert unless you've lived it. We watch horror movies because they're fun. There's tension, the dark room, the building music, the ominous threat. Then release A cat jumps out of the cupboard. There's no one behind the shower, curtain, but in a cult, just like any abusive relationship, there's no release. It's constant threat. This sort of prolonged terror leaves a mark. But the problem with any sort of fucked up childhood, just like any abusive relationship, show, you can't talk about it because it's a secret.

For years, I kept the secret even if I wanted to someone. There's no handbook to announce that sort of thing. I thought sometimes, back when I thought of it at all, that I should make a poster like the ones we used to hand out, maybe a picture of me on the front, like a lost kid poster. My name is Lauren and I was in the family. It's a cult. Nope, not that one. No kool aid, just an old guy. As i'd attack to God. But what can I really tell you to explain my life. I know it's fascinating because it's so different, but it's so fucking different, and no matter what I say, it'll still be foreign to you. I can't tell you what it feels like to live in a constant state of alert unless you've lived it. We watch horror movies because they're fun. There's tension, the dark room, the building music, the ominous threat. Then release A cat jumps out of the cupboard. There's no one behind the shower, curtain, but in a cult, just like any abusive relationship, there's no release. It's constant threat. This sort of prolonged terror leaves a mark. But the problem with any sort of fucked up childhood, just like any abusive relationship, show, you can't talk about it because it's a secret.

Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. Molly Zacur is the story editor and Dylan Fagan is the executive producer. If you have a family secret you'd like to share, please leave us a voicemail and your story could appear on an upcoming episode. Our number is one eight eight eight secret zero. That's the number zero. You can also find me on Instagram at Danny Rider. And if you'd like to know more about the story that inspired this podcast, check out my memoir Inheritance. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. Molly Zacur is the story editor and Dylan Fagan is the executive producer. If you have a family secret you'd like to share, please leave us a voicemail and your story could appear on an upcoming episode. Our number is one eight eight eight secret zero. That's the number zero. You can also find me on Instagram at Danny Rider. And if you'd like to know more about the story that inspired this podcast, check out my memoir Inheritance. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.