Some of the most well-intentioned things we say to our kids can backfire.

From “Good job, you’re so smart” to “You’ll be fine” and “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”, Justin and Kylie unpack five common phrases that can undermine confidence, shut down emotions and create distance between parents and kids.

More importantly, they share what to say instead to help kids feel understood, capable and connected.

KEY POINTS
Why too much praise can make kids depend on external validation
The hidden cost of saying “I’m disappointed in you”
Why “You’ll be fine” can leave a struggling child feeling alone
How comparing siblings can fuel conflict and self-doubt
Why saying “I was never good at maths either” can create a limiting mindset
Simple phrases that build connection without trying to fix everything

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“You need to know that we love you no matter what.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
Research by Wolf Meyer on praise and children’s perceptions of ability
Research by Eddie Brummelman on inflated praise
Research by Avi Assor and Guy Roth on conditional parental regard

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
Swap automatic praise for curiosity: “What did you enjoy about that?”
Replace disappointment with connection: “We love you no matter what. Let’s work through this.”
Validate hard feelings before offering solutions: “This is really tough, isn’t it?”
Stop comparing siblings, friends or abilities
Replace “We’re just not good at that” with “Let’s work it out”

Some of the most well-intentioned things we say to our kids can backfire.
From &ldquo;Good job, you&rsquo;re so smart&rdquo; to &ldquo;You&rsquo;ll be fine&rdquo; and &ldquo;Why can&rsquo;t you be more like your sister?&rdquo;, Justin and Kylie unpack five common phrases that can undermine confidence, shut down emotions and create distance between parents and kids.
More importantly, they share what to say instead to help kids feel understood, capable and connected.
KEY POINTS
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Why too much praise can make kids depend on external validation</li>
<li aria-level="1">The hidden cost of saying &ldquo;I&rsquo;m disappointed in you&rdquo;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Why &ldquo;You&rsquo;ll be fine&rdquo; can leave a struggling child feeling alone</li>
<li aria-level="1">How comparing siblings can fuel conflict and self-doubt</li>
<li aria-level="1">Why saying &ldquo;I was never good at maths either&rdquo; can create a limiting mindset</li>
<li aria-level="1">Simple phrases that build connection without trying to fix everything</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
&ldquo;You need to know that we love you no matter what.&rdquo;
RESOURCES MENTIONED
<ul>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.gottman.com/product/raising-an-emotionally-intelligent-child-book/">Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child</a> by John Gottman</li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232510795_The_informational_value_of_evaluative_behavior_Influences_of_praise_and_blame_on_perceptions_of_ability">Research by Wolf Meyer</a> on praise and children&rsquo;s perceptions of ability</li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24434235/">Research by Eddie Brummelman</a> on inflated praise</li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14686884/">Research by Avi Assor and Guy Roth</a> on conditional parental regard</li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Swap automatic praise for curiosity: &ldquo;What did you enjoy about that?&rdquo;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Replace disappointment with connection: &ldquo;We love you no matter what. Let&rsquo;s work through this.&rdquo;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Validate hard feelings before offering solutions: &ldquo;This is really tough, isn&rsquo;t it?&rdquo;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Stop comparing siblings, friends or abilities</li>
<li aria-level="1">Replace &ldquo;We&rsquo;re just not good at that&rdquo; with &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s work it out&rdquo;</li>
</ul>

Deciding which parenting advice to follow? Join the thousands of mums and dads who turn to Australia’s most downloaded parenting podcast.

Dr Justin Coulson and his wife Kylie bring real parenting solutions every day, cutting through the noise of modern advice with clear, practical guidance for every step of parenting.

From early childhood challenges to the complexities of the teenage years, each daily episode offers simple, evidence-based strategies to help you feel more confident in your decisions and more connected to your kids.

Deciding which parenting advice to follow?&nbsp;Join the thousands of mums and dads who turn to Australia&rsquo;s most downloaded parenting podcast.
Dr Justin Coulson and his wife Kylie bring real parenting solutions every day, cutting through the noise of modern advice with clear, practical guidance for every step of parenting.
From early childhood challenges to the complexities of the teenage years, each daily episode offers simple, evidence-based strategies to help you feel more confident in your decisions and more connected to your kids.

The Happy families podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now.

Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

5 Things to Stop Saying to Your Kids

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/54836c56-8801-4398-bdf4-b4bf00284c8f/transcript