The Power in Asking the Right Questions with Elliott Connie

Published Jun 13, 2024, 10:00 AM

Elliott Connie, a psychotherapist and author, discusses solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT) and its emphasis on the client's desired future rather than their problem orientation. He explains that SFBT focuses on the client's strengths and resilience, helping them overcome obstacles and transform their lives. Elliott shares his personal journey of healing and how he became passionate about inspiring others. He also talks about his new podcast, Family Therapy, where he conducts therapy sessions with families to explore their traumas and work toward healing.

Connect: @DeviBrown @ElliottSpeaks

Learn More: ElliottConnie.com

Listen: Family Therapy, The Podcast

Pre-Order: Change Your Questions, Change Your Life

Upcoming Event: SFBT 2-Day Intensive Live Training – 2024 Anaheim, California

Take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it now, release slowly again deep in, helle hold release, repeating internally to yourself as you connect to my voice. I am deeply, deeply well. I I am deeply, deeply well. I am deeply wow. I'm Debbie Brown and this is the Deeply Well Podcast. Welcome to Deeply Well, a soft place to land in your journey, A podcast for those that are curious, creative, ready to expand in higher consciousness and self care. I'm Debbie Brown. This is where we heal, this is where we become. Welcome to today's show. So I have to center this by saying that my dear sister Angela Rai has been raving about this guest, and right before we synchronistically booked to come together, she said, I have to introduce you to this person, and the very next day we were able to serendipitously connect and get scheduled for this show. So I'm so excited today to dive into the work of this very special guest, Elliott Connie. Elliott Connie is a psychotherapist, author, lecture and hope dealer. Elliott's belief in human resilience is what caused him to fall in love with the solution focused brief therapy and learn the ins and outs of this approach. He has worked alongside some of the most prominent figures in the SFBT solution focus brief therapy. Field has lectured all over the US as well as internationally in places like the United Kingdom, Russia, India, and Australia, and has written four books on this solution focused method. Elliott's mission is to inspire you and light the fire and passion that solution focus brief therapy lit in him, so that you two can help transform the lives of others. Welcome to the show.

Thanks for having me.

I'm so happy you're here. I love all the clips that I see of you online, and I think you know what feels so special, And we're going to dive into all your takes on this. But the mental health revolution, we are in the decade of that in a way that has never happened in human history before. But with it is all the layers of nuance, right, It's not this monolithic experience, and we have to find the ways that are so unique to us that allow us to heal and transform. But most especially I believe within black and brown communities that face entirely different complex lived experiences. With all of that being said, I'm so excited to dive into this method that very honestly I know so little about.

Wow. Okay, can you.

Please, I mean share with this. What is SFBT.

Gosh Solution focused brief therapy is a way of doing psychotherapy that is driven by what the clients hoped for future is as opposed to what their problem orientation is. So like, the single most common question that a help or a psychotherapist, coach, whatever will ask a client upon meeting them is you know what?

It is?

The most common question you would ask when you meet.

Someone, how do you fix me? I don't know?

Is what the professional would ask is what brings you here?

Oh?

Yes, right? What brings you here? And they're looking for some sort of a problem answer anxiety, depression, you know, grief, whatever, But someone using this approach would not ask that. We're much more interested in where do you want to go from here? So we immediately start our work by asking about people's hoped for futures because to some degree, where they've been is completely irrelevant to where they're going. Like, there's this wonderful thing like anyone can get anywhere from anywhere, and we've kind of taught ourselves that in order to help you go where you're going, I got to know where you've been. And that's one hundred percent not true. That's just as silly as if you got into a taxi cab and the cab driver said, where have you been, as if that would somehow help them get you to where you're going. And I think solution focused brief therapy just kind of honors that idea that anyone can get anywhere from anywhere.

That is fascinating.

I thought so too when I first learned about it.

So kind of what I'm hearing in what you're saying is that part of the approach is almost like reverse engineering you because if we're thinking about where we want to go, do we have to then figure out what's in the way of us getting there? Or how do you begin to engineer that experience?

No, I think when you talk about things that you really hope for, things that you like deeply and really desire, you will actually figure out a way over the obstacle. Like we don't have to like plan for it and like develop a schedule on how we're going to handle the things when there's something that you like, really want, Like think about the things in your life that you like, really wanted. When an obstacle comes up, you just naturally trigger your own strength and resilience and overcome that obstacle.

Absolutely.

The problem is when we are in trouble, like emotional trouble again, like anxious, depressed, sad, whatever, we don't view ourselves as resilient, strong overcomers. We don't view ourselves that way. So then when we're in that state of mind and a problem pops up, we actually give too much respect to the problem and less respect ourselves. And I think solution folks group therapy just reverses that because human beings, every single human being on the planet, is a natural overcomer. It's what we do, or you would never be who and what you are, right, you would never make it to forty years old, thirty years or whatever. You've overcome so many challenges, but most of us just forgot it along the way and we got overcome with problems or whatever. It was my work. I want to inspire people. I think a lot of times therapists get kind of sucked into the idea of problem and that turns them into a problem solver. And I don't want to be a problem solver. I want to be a herd healer. I want to be an inspirer of people, because an inspired person is just accomplish, capable of accomplishing absolutely anything. I believe in people so much that I genuinely believe like my job is to inspire them and then get out of their way, as an inspired person is capable of unbelievable things.

This is so interesting.

We won't be talking like five minutes.

I mean, my god, where will we go next? So? How so this particular system of therapy is this? Is this a system that could help people that have like big T trauma in their lives?

Absolutely? I mean the way I even heard about this was because of the Trump. Like, so, to give you a bit of a backstory, I was raised by a very aggressive, very abusive, very emotionally unsafe father. My mother is wonderful. I love my mother, but like she couldn't even really parent because she was in protection mode that whole time for me and my two brothers, and I spent a large amount of my life anxious, depressed, and quite frankly wanting to die. The best way I can describe that state of mind to people was like I looked around the world and I saw other people had the white picket fence and the loving parents. Really, my best friend across the street, we would play basketball in his yard and his mom would literally carry a tray of lemonade and bring it to us playing basketball, and I'd be like, I don't, that's not what I have. And if this is what I got and that's what y'all got, like I just want to give this back, right, That's the way I thought at the time. Yeah, and I will never ever forget as long as I live. I was about nineteen years old and I had decided that life is not worth living. I don't I don't want to live anymore, and I want to be really clear, like I wasn't thinking about I had decided out, and I was laying in my dorm room and for sometimes I think God speaks to you. Sometimes I think the universe speaks to you, or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes a message it's placed upon you. And I was laying in my dorm room knowing I've got a week or two left, and just laying there, and one of those times like a message was given to me. And for whatever reason, I'm laying in my dorm room and I started thinking about my eulogy, and I started thinking of all my close friends. I was playing baseball at the time, So all my teammates getting behind a podium at some church at my funeral talking about how they didn't know Elliott was this sad, or they didn't know Elliott was this broken, or they didn't know Elliott was in this much trouble, and for whatever reason, I couldn't live with that. What I wanted them to say was I didn't know Elliott's father was this much of a tormentor like, don't blame me for this, like blame you. And I was laying there in my bed like just in tears, thinking they're gonna misunderstand this. They're gonna think I'm broken instead of that dude is broken and thus broke me. Yes, so blame the breaker, don't blame me. And in that moment, I decided to outlive my pain. I told myself as a nineteen year old, not that I want to live, but I wanted to outlive this pain so I could tell the story. That was my desire at the time. The very next day, I went to my advisor and I said, I want to switch my major to psychology because I thought I can understand, you know, I can understand that, no idea that I would one day be a psychotherapist. But interesting, interesting things started to happen, like once I decided to outlive my pain, I had to make decisions that were congruent to the outliving. I called my dad and I said, look, man, we've been through a lot, and I can get through all of it. I can forgive and move past all of it. I just have four requests. Can't yell at me, hit me, curse at me, or call me names. If you can follow those four rules, I'll deal with everything else. And he said you he hung up the phone. I was like, okay, this is a moment I have to like decide. Am I going to stick to who I want to be? And I said, okay, call me when you can follow those rules. And he hasn't called me since. The next semester, I got a four point zero and I was like, wow, I'm actually smart. I didn't know that I went to college because I could play baseball. And the very next semester, which was hard because you have to grieve the loss of your abusive father. I tell me all the time, like the hardest thing in the world is a grief someone that's still here. But I got a four point zero. I was like, wow, I'm actually smart. I ended up graduating and somebody came to me and said, you'd be a very good psychotherapist. I had no idea what that was, and they said, you should apply to graduate school. Another moment, I swear sometimes I think I think God's path is just there. And my psychology program at this university I was attending created a counseling program and they said, we want you to be in the first cohort. I was like, okay, I'm in. I just feel like this is one of those moments. And while I was in graduate school, I knew that I had saved my own life by hoping for her future beyond pain. I knew that. So I went to graduate school thinking I was going to learn about the true levers of change. And we know what the levers of change are their hope, love, inspiration, spirituality, nature, like these are the things that create change. And when I went to graduate school, all I learned about was diagnosis and problems, and I learned to believe in human beings through learning to believe in myself. And I just couldn't believe that you're not talking to me about love, hope, warmth, nature, the true things that lead to or change. You're not teaching me how to inspire people. You're teaching me how to diagnose them. And I thought that was a problem because I don't want to look at people as broken, because when you view somebody as broken, then you view them through the lens of kent. When you view somebody as healable, then you view them through the lens of capable. And that wasn't what was happening, and I just thought, I don't want to do this, and I made the decision I'm going to quit graduate school, going to put myself through this if that's not what I'm learning. And that semester of my university hired this woman and they brought her to my class and they said, we hired this new professor. We had to let her talk for like twenty minutes. You can take her classes next semester, but we just want to introduce you guys to this new professor. And I'm kind of checked out because I knew I'm going to quit this program anyway. I'm not a quitter, So I was going to finish the semester, but like, I'm not going further, and she described solution focus proof there was the first time I ever really heard about it. The next semester, I took one of her courses, and you know, when you're in graduate school, you take you take a course where each chapter of a book is a different therapy approach, and the solution focused approach was about two and a half pages of that book. But it was the first time I ever read about hope and the things that actually lead towards change, and I was moved. I was moved, and I was told that not a lot of people in our field practiced this way and think it's a band aid way of doing therapy, and how could you possibly solve somebody's problems if you're not focused on their problem? But I was like, but I solved my problem by not focusing on my problem. I actually focused on my internal resilience and strength, and it literally transformed to press anxious, suicidal person into something different. And I was just so on fire about it. So I just started I wanted to learn everything I wanted to learn everything about it, and I read every book, every research article that I can get my hands on. I started traveling the world to attend trainings from like the Masters. You know, this is the early two thousands, so like the Masters of the therapy world at the time, and before I knew it, I had my own ideas that I was developing about these things. And I was encouraged to write a book. You said I had four books, actually have five. My six is coming out in about a month. And then people started asking me this. For me, this is like a journal journey of discovery, like my journey of healing is also a journey off discovery discovery. When your father is beating you what people don't often talk about, like bruises, heel, but when he's beating you, he's also saying you're never gonna amount to anything, You're a loser, you're an idiot, like all these things. So I started learning like I'm actually pretty bright, like I had a master's degree, hold kind of like a pretty bright guy. I learned that I was really good at speaking like somebody. When my first book came out, I got an email and this person in bath, UK say, hey, we want you to come to a keynote in bath, UK and I was like, I ain't going to do that. I've never been out of the country, I've never done a keynote, Like y'all have to keep that. And I watched an interview by the guy who founded Virgin the Virgin Media Corporation, Richard Branson, and he said, when someone ask you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, say yes and then figure it out. And I was like, all right, I'm uncomfortable, so I'm gonna say yes. And I went to the post office and got my passport and I was like, I'm just gonna live with whatever happens upon that stage. I'll never thin get. I got off the stage and somebody said you were meant to be here, and I was like, Wow, that's unbelievable. And from that time I've just been on fire about like I want more people to know, not necessarily about solution focused brief therapy, though that's part of it, but I want I want more people to know that you can completely transform your life with love and hope and inspiration, and that starts with you, like it starts internally, like you can truly learn to love yourself, like you have to accept all of your flaws, Like no one is perfect. But if we accept it, that's true, that no one is perfect, then the opposite must be equally true. Like if no one is perfect, that also means nobody is imperfectly perfect. Everyone has some flaw and everyone has some brilliance. So what if the key to life is to stop focusing on your flaws and try to like fix them. But what if the key to life is to like focus on your brilliance and like totally lean into that and totally fall in love with that part of you and totally expand that part of you. And that's what my work is about. Like my work, like I travel the world, and I mean since covid mora online, I suppose, but I write all kinds of books because I want people to look at themselves and understand, yes, you have flaws, because that's how we're all built, but you also have brilliance and somehow the flaws have like blinking red lights, but we got to go find the brilliance and we have to check your ego and just like accept the brilliance. Like growing up, I wanted to, you know, play third base for the New York Yankees, Like, that's my ego, Like I wanted to be like a celebrity athlete. That's my ego. But my brilliance lied in this other area. But if you follow that, then the rewards are so beyond what you could believe anyway. So just check your ego and find your presence. Hmmm, sorry, really long winded exposition.

It was so perfect.

I have to tell you a whole thing in order to tell your whole thing.

Yeah, thank you for sharing so much of your personal story, everything you've said. I mean, it's just it's just so powerful. And I think, you know, for those of us and those listening that I've had, you know, especially some of those really kind of gnarly childhood experiences, there is this resilience that you know, there's this study. There have been studies, but there's this new one coming out of Germany about the way that trauma and some people can activate almost like a superhero gene, Like it gives you this expanded, kind of extraordinary form of optimistic resilience that allows you not just to keep going, but to like break through upper limits. And that's so much of what I'm hearing in your life.

Yeah, like if you understood, Like I saw a client. Here's a good example of exactly what you're saying. Saw a client one time who was telling me I have these massive anxiety attacks, like these massive panic attacks. And I asked how often really happen? And this person said, like, you know, twice a day, something very frequent, and it was a lot. And I said, how do you calm yourself down? And she said I don't know. And I said, what do you mean you don't know? She said, I have no idea how I calmed myself down. And I said, well, do you stay anxious all day? And she said no, it just happens, you know, once or twice a day. Said good, So you're simultaneously telling me that you have frequent anxiety attacks, but you're also telling me you have frequent recovery moments too, And she said yeah, but I don't know how I do it. I said, well, then I don't know if I can help you, Like can you go home? And every time you get anxious, I want you to pay extra close attention to what you do, wow to come out of it, because you do it once or twice a day, because you don't stay anxious all day and she came back a week later she said, I haven't had a single anxiety attack, So why not? And she said, because the more I pay attention to the things I do to stay soothed, then the more I stay soothed. And that's like the best example I can give of that idea that when we go through things, it does trigger that like resilience, but we often don't catch it because we're so focused on the thing we went through, not necessarily the resilience that we got from the going of the through. So this person had gone through a lot in life and as a consequence, has developed this massive issue with anxiety, but all she focused on was the anxiety and the stuff that created it. Once you triggered this person to focus on something else problem in a way, like it just didn't exist anymore.

That's so interesting. That's so interesting, Like I'm definitely hearing like active awareness, and it's like she's pushed into being in practice with how to tend to herself. Yeah, deeply, Well, elliot, where does the rest of it go? Right? Like, when I think about like the actual experiences, is it kind of this one kind of enlightened experience of it clicking and you are in full acceptance of the things that happen to you or you know, I think for so many that have had like trauma, there is this kind of loop of thought, right, Like there are these intrusive thoughts that can happen. Sometimes there is like manifestation of autoimmune disease or different kinds of pain points in your body that are reflective of that. Where where does all of that go in this system? How do you work with it?

I don't mean to be flippant and I say this, but it goes away because like you don't have the physical manifestations because of the problem. You have the physical manifestations because of the way you're perceiving the problem. Like again to give an example, like I know what it's like to be punched in the face by my father, Like I know what that's like, a lot of people don't know what their father's fists feels like. But I don't, Like I can tell you what that feels like. There's not anything I could like that happened. I don't have a time machine. I can't undo it. I can't like that happened. But when I understood that, I survived it. When I started to think about what did I learn from the surviving of it? When I started to think about what superhero traits in me were triggered from the going through of that, the depression went away, the anxiety went away, the things that had plagued me went away, and that that happens because we put our past in an appropriate pay place, we developed those things. Like I developed that anxiety and that depression and that low self esteem because I had the anxiety, I didn't have the memories in the right place. I was wondering why did this happen? What was wrong with me that my father didn't love me enough not to pund Like those things are what lead to the physical manifestations, because that's what leads to the stress, and the stress starts to deteriorate your body and you start developing symptoms of that. But it's actually a source of pride.

Now.

I can remember vividly looking around my college classroom and I'm on this campus, like I was asked to come to this university because I could play baseball, And I'm looking around and there was all these kids that come from two family homes, large finances available to them. Every semester they would get money from their parents go buy books, and this one guy's mom was a really great cook, and she would mail frozen meatballs and we'd all get excited. I remember looking around and feeling really depressed that, like somebody loves me enough to do that, or that's not the environment I came from. But after a while I was really proud of it. I was like, wait a minute, I had just about every disadvantage that you could give to me, and I ended up at the same university you did, Like with all of your advantages and your privilege and your affluence, I ended up in the seat next to you, and I ended up in saying graduating classes. You and I had every disadvantage that could have been given to me. Well, when you think about things in that way, then it doesn't cause you angst, it causes you pride. And then I start to realize that I represent much more than that, Like when I became a psychotherapist and people were shocked that like the story that I carried, and I realized, like, the power is in your story, Like we all have a story, and my ability or or my decision to share it became a powerful tool for my healing, but also a source of infiration, inspiration for people in our community who had never seen it, therapists dressed like this, who've never seen a therapist listening to jay Z or never seen a therapist doing the things that I was doing. And and that's where all that stuff goes, just goes away, because when you think about something in a proper way, because the memory is there, like, we can't do anything about that. The thing happened, so now we have to put it in a proper context. And when you put it in a proper context, even your physical body will you.

It's really powerful when someone comes to you and they have, you know, this this vision of where they want to go. They have this like you know, I'll give you maybe a scenario.

You know.

It's like if someone comes and they are you know, just saying like I want it. I want to have more meaning in my life. I want to have more joy in my life. I want to live my purpose. I want to have a family that is healthy that I love. How does the journey begin?

Well, the step, the first step when someone comes to me, which, by the way, to be very honest with you, most people don't know what they want. Really, yeah, what most people are very aware of is what they don't want. Okay, So when people come to me and I ask them what is the thing you want, they basically say, not this, whatever this is, whatever generation of this is around them. Like, think about the way that we talk about sobriety, right Like, in the world of sobriety, we don't talk about sobriety. We talk about not using. So very often if I ask someone who's struggling with a deddiction, what's the thing you most desire, they don't say sobriety, loving their kids again, or they say I just need to stop drinking or drugging or whatever. So for me, the first step is A, I have to have a way of having you articulate what it is that you want, and then B I have to have a way of you envisioning you taking your first step. And one of the ways that I'll do that is I'll ask them something like, suppose you woke up tomorrow and it was the very first day of those like sober version of you, the version of you capable of healing the relationship with your partner, kids, blah blah blah, what's the absolute first thing you would notice? So, in my teaching. When I started doing this right, people didn't believe me. I would tell them what was happening in therapy, and they didn't believe me. So I started recording sessions with clients permission, of course, and occasionally clients would give me permission not only to record it, but to show it in trainings. And I've got this guy. I've got a videotape with this guy. He's using crystal methane phetamine frequently. And I asked him what does he want? He said, I don't know. No, I can't work with that. I have to challenge You're like, what do you think you want? I don't know, he said, it depends on what we're going to talk about. I don't know what we're going to talk about it. I just met you. But if this is a useful conversation, what's that thing that you would want? After about three minutes of him saying he didn't know, he said, I need to stop using drugs. And I said, what would you like to do instead?

Right?

And he said work on cars. Now, why that's so important is because everyone has that thing that they can't live without. Maybe it's drawing. For me, it's writing. I love to write. Maybe it's swimming for another person, hiking for another person's skating for who knows, But for this particular man, it was about cars. Like he wanted to be the mechanic version of himself. So I've got to ask him, if you walk tomorrow's a mechanic version of yourself, what would you be thinking about? And he said cake. I was like, cake? Why cake? And he said, I made a cake and there's a cake in my refrigerator. And if I woke up tomorrow thinks about cake instead of drugs, I would know. So, like, where does it start? It starts with that first step, Like you wake up thinking about cake, which is a very normal thing, right, Like if I've had a delicious meal that I couldn't eat the whole thing up and I put it in a refrigerator, you wake up in the morning, You're like, oh, I hope that thing is still in there, and I can't wait to eat it today because I don't use crystal mentenphetamine, so I don't wake up think about how am I going to get my next hide. For him, waking up and thinking about that thing and refrigerator is a massive thing. So where does the journey start, It starts with that first step that sounds mundane to the average person, but to that guy, so get it, it was massive, right And if we can talk about that first step, so what's the next thing you would do? And the next thing you would do? And he doesn't even know it, but he's literally rewiring his brain literally, because that's what words and envisioning do, that's what manifesting does. If we talk about the day I start my sober journey in real detail, like what would be on your mind? You woke up? Cake? And then what would you do? I'd have some cake? And then how would your kids know that there's something slightly different about you? Well, I'd play with him instead of running out, And he's like, really detail. Fourteen months later I found out he hadn't touched Krista mcthan vitamine since we had that conversation. Right, So, how does that happen? By you trigger people to think about step one, step two? Guess, because that's how change happens.

Yeah.

The problem is most psychotherapists, they don't take the time to learn that this man in his heart is a mechanic. I remember there were some people watching when I did that. I did it live the session that actually happened. We got the recording, but I did it live. And they are about thirty clinicians watching him, and some of them had treated him in the past. About halfway through the session he starts crying. So we're walking through like every step, every detail, and about halfway through the session, he starts crying and I said, you're okay. So yeah, he said, you know, when I was a kid up until when I was ten years old, every Saturday, my father would wake me up on Saturdays. He'd sit me on his lap and we'd go out on the driveway and we'd work on cars together. And he said, and then without any warning, when I was ten, my father passed away. He said, I had the kind of father that gave you heaps of positive energy. I'll never forget, like the wind beneath your sales, that's exactly how you Worre did it. And he said, I feel like that's why all of this has happened. But it would feel really good to get back to that. So at the end of this session, I go talk to the people that were watching, and again few of them had treated him, and they said I had no idea he liked cars. I was like, well, that's why he didn't change when you were talking to him. You didn't earn the right to talk to him, because if you don't know he loves cars, how could you possibly treat him? Like we think if we learn everything about a problem, about a person's problem, about a person's triggers, then we know enough to help them. But that's that's not true. Can be true, Like you have to know what drives a person in order to help them create change. And for him, these cars and now we know why cars are very much connected to his father's legacy, which matters him, and the drug use became like a numbing agent for letting his father down. But when he can recapture that, then he doesn't need the numbing agent. Yeah you know what I mean. Like, So for me, that that's everything.

That is so powerful in my language kind of more like mindfulness, mindful awareness. I'm just hearing the deep presence, like it's deep connection to the present moment. And that's in my world where change happens, you know, it's it's it's in that space where you're just kind of in that gap and there is this kind of opportunity to spark creativity towards something that is so Wow. You have a new podcast I do on the Black Effect Network Family Therapy. Yes, So I'm going to read this synopsis and then I'm going to dive in because this is something that I think God so many are longing for, but in a way that makes sense for us. You know, all of our families can look so different and sometimes peeling back those layers can feel really, really scary. So your podcast on the Black Effect Network Family Therapy. Family Therapy podcast is the display of exploration of self through the means of conversation while constructing a nourishing space for individuals looking to heal by revealing anxieties and exploring deeply rooted problems, Family Therapy will document a family's journey as they work through trauma in conversation with psychotherapist Elliot Khanni. Over the course of sixteen weeks. Participants will examine their life relationships, hardships, successes, shortcomings, and personal growth as they seek progress. Therapy sessions will consist of individual and groups conversations in an effort to restore old wounds. So your podcast, we are hearing therapy sessions. Wow.

In the real journey, like and it's wrong.

Oh wow, how has this process been and how many families did you work with in this process so far?

Each season is going to highlight a different family.

Wow. Yeah, and that's so. I learned something recently that it takes between eight and twelve therapy sessions to actually see kind of change begin to occur. You don't believe that, because I was going to say that sixteen weeks we must really be getting a look at true kind of evolution.

You will. Yeah, Well, first of all, I think I think change can happen in one session. I think change can happen in a single moment. In fact, I thinks how life is definitely if you think about how your life, everybody can think about their lives. Your life changed in a moment, and people all the time. Why can't therapy be a moment? Therapists kind of believe like it takes me a while to solve a problem, maybe, but like therapy can be that moment in your life is never the same, and you're gonna see conversations or hear conversations I guess in this podcast that are just unbelievable. Like even I like I had to I had to put myself in a very vulnerable state because it's not scripted. I have no idea how this is going to go like it could it could go totally left, or you know whatever. But I thought it was important, especially for the black and brown community, to see one what the therapeutic process looks like, and two what it looks like coming from us. I've talked to many, many black and brown people who are hesitant to go to therapy because it's very difficult to explain our experience to people who aren't of our culture. So this opportunity when it came, I was like, yes, I mean, it's a little scary because I have no idea how these conversations going to go. But I'm all in because I want people to see it in its rawness, even when it doesn't go perfectly well all of the time or even at all, but ended up happening. I can't say too much right in the middle of season one, but some of the things that unfolded amongst this family inspired me, Like I'm pretty confident I got inspired by them far more than they got inspired by me. Like what the family healing that this particular family was willing to take on and accomplish. And I'm talking like generational traumas. I'm not just talking about a trauma. I'm talking about like the legacy of trauma that often exists in the families in our homes. This family took it on and it's one of the most inspiring things. Like it's one of the biggest honors of my professional life to be able to do this.

Deeply. Well, you mentioned at the top of the show that you will be releasing your fifth book. Can we get six your Six Lives six book? Can we get a little information? Or is it to so?

No? No, no, So. We always talk about how we need to talk to ourselves and how we need to assess ourselves and how we need to look inward. But what I don't think we often talk enough about are the questions we ask ourselves. The root of solution focused brief therapy is the way we ask questions. If you solution focused brief therapy is a questions based approach, and you have to be very careful and very attentive and very kind of specific in the way you ask your questions. So me and my colleague, doctor Adam Fewer, we were really like and we've been doing this work for like twenty years and just seeing people's lives completely transform. I had this moment one time, and questions are really really funny because when the human brain, here's a question, you can't help but answer it. It's just the way it works. Like if I ask you a specific question, the engineers and people in this room would answer it because that's the way the human brain works. I was given a lecture in Louisiana one time, and I'm teaching the audience. It's an audience of psychotherapists. I'm teaching this audience of psychotherapists how to ask these questions. But in doing so, I have to illustrate the questions. And we get to the lunch break and the cameraman who was recording this approaches me in tears and he said, you just saved my marriage. I hadn't even talked to the guy. I was like, what do you mean? And he said, I've been all of the questions you're teaching this audience. I've been answering, and I realize things I need to do differently and things I need to say. And I just called my wife and told her and all this stuff, and that kind of put a seed in my head, like, what if we could write a book that would teach people how to ask themselves the kind of questions that would ignite that internal superhero, that would ignite the resilience that would move them from where they are to where they want to be. So that's what this book is. It's titled Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, and it comes out in a couple of months. And I'm you know, I've written a lot of books that are for psychotherapists that have to be better at doing, you know, the job we do. But this is the first book I've written that like, I want every single human on earth, which I know is not realistic, but I want everybody on earth to have this book because I want everybody to be able to ask themselves the kind of questions that create healing instead of pain, and ask themselves kind of questions that get their lives moving in the right direction instead of being stuck. I mean, in your work, how many people do you see that just describe themselves as stuck. Well, the most powerful thing to get yourself unstuck is a question, but we don't know that. But if you can change the way you ask yourself questions you transform your life. So that's what the book is about.

So beautiful. I cannot wait to check it out.

I'm going to send you a copy.

Thank you and signs please.

Yes, ma'am.

We are at the end of the show and I would love to ask you. I asked every guest this as we close, as everyone listens to this episode and we have about a week getting ready for the next every I asked that everyone takes some time to integrate it, to think about it. So we're at the part of the show that I like to call soul work. Okay, I want to invite you to leave the audience with a little bit of soul work. And maybe it's a question that they can be exploring after this episode until we meet again.

The question I would want everybody, because you're right, it would definitely coming from me. It would definitely.

It has to be.

I want you to ask yourself what do you want? And then here's and I'm serious, this is very serious. I want you to ask yourself what do you want? And I want you to write down the answer, and then I want you to ask yourself ten times what difference would it make if I had that? And then write down that answer, and then what difference would it if I had ten times? So, for example, what do you want I want to lose twenty pounds? What difference would it make if you had that? I'd fit my clothes better? What difference would it make if you had that? And literally ten follow up questions and write them all down. So by the time you get to number ten, I promise you two things will happen. Number one, you'll be in tears, and number two, you will be motivated to create the action. Come on, how do we do Debbi?

You got them up in their crevices. That is so good.

That's what I want people to do.

Black Effect Network. Everyone please check out his podcast Family Therapy, all the books, especially the forthcoming one Fourth for Sure, and how can everyone reach you? What are your socials?

Find me on Elliot's Speaks at Elliot'speaks. Make sure you spell my name right with two l's and two t's. And I would love to be connected with people and send me DMS and comment and videos and let's interact like I really really want to be a spreader of hope and love. So the more people we can be connected to the better.

Thank you so much. For your time today. Thank you for your work.

No, I appreciate thank you for.

Your work now, mistay today Today. The content presented on Deeply Wells serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider patient relationship. As always, it is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific concerns or questions that you may have. Connect with me on social at Debbie Brown. That's Twitter and Instagram, or you can go to my website Debbie Brown dot com. And if you're listening to the show on Apple Podcasts, don't forget, Please rate, review, and subscribe and say end this episode to a friend. Deeply Well is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Network. It's produced by Jacquess Thomas, Samantha Timmins, and me Debbie Brown. The Beautiful Soundbath You Heard That's by Jarrelyn Glass from Crystal Cadence. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

Deeply Well with Devi Brown

Deeply Well Where higher consciousness meets the complexity of being human. Hosted by Well-Being Ma 
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