In this episode, Devi explores the topic of friendship and how to prioritize and cultivate meaningful connections. She reflects on the transformations in her own friendships and shares her practices for evaluating and nurturing relationships. Devi emphasizes the importance of authenticity, setting boundaries, being present in real-life relationships, scheduling social media detox and creating space for new connections.
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Take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it.
Now, release slowly again deep in helle hold release, repeating internally to yourself as you connect to my voice. I am deeply, deeply well. I am deeply well. I am deeply.
Wow.
I'm Debbie Brown and this is the Deeply Well Podcast. Welcome to Deeply Well, a soft place to land in your journey. A podcast for those that are curious, creative, and ready to expand in higher consciousness and self care. This is where we heal, This is.
Where we need become.
This is Debbie Brown. Today we are diving into some conversation about friendship. I have been thinking quite a bit about the transformations in my friendships and the growth, the expansion, the releasing that has really gone on, especially in the last four years really since the pandemic hit, and I wanted to explore with you some of my practices that I've been using for the last few years. So we're going to dive into that for this episode. It is all about friendship. It is all about how to actually understand who to prioritize and how to prioritize, and most importantly, how to be the person that you take care first. So we're going to kind of talk about that in some of the lenses of perception that we may have around being in community with other people. Before we get there, I want to just do a quick check in big thanks to everybody that has hit us up on the Deeply Well Instagram page. It's at Deeply Well Pod and we've been growing there and having some posts and you know, conversations and stories. Whenever I talk about social media, I feel like I sound like one of, you know, someone who didn't grow up with it. I'm like, oh, so we're twittering? What are we doing now? But yeah, so thank you Deeply Well Pod. We've been really growing that community over there, so I've been loving all the dms and all the tags that we've been getting. We're trying to get some cool stuff to really engage over there. So that is coming. And you know, before I started recording this episode today, I saw a video on my phone that really blew me away. It was some kind of in paid advertisement. This is not I just saw it so I'm talking about it, but it was a paid advertisement between Joey Badass and Bumble and it was him with an excellent microphone reading a poem to black women, and it was like it stopped me in my tracks the second it started playing. The audio quality, I'm like, oh god, I'm so into voices and great microphones. I used to work on radios, so it's definitely I have a very strong discerning ear for music and for sound and voices. But the way they recorded that, it like gets into the core of your brain and your heart, and it was just so beautiful, Like I really sat there and let myself take it in. So anyone that feels called it was like a collab post on both their pages. So if you follow Joey Badass or Bumble, I think you'll be able to see it there. But if you choose to go listen to it, let yourself watch it, hear it, do it again with your eyes closed. It was really meaningful. I really appreciated that. It was really beautiful and it felt really nourishing. So shout out Joey Badass and Bumble for that excellent collaboration. So let's dive into this episode. People, priorities, and friends. Some years back, I would really say, this was quite a while ago. I would say probably when I was still working in broadcasting, maybe ten years ago. It was really at the height of this kind of like bro cis networking, Like the zeitgeist of the time was very much around, you know, networking, and everybody is you know, you want to grow your network and you want to know everybody and all that stuff. And you know, I've really found that in my life, and I'm sure so many others resonate that's not really necessary. You know, I listen when God speaks to me, and so my focus is really on my own work and myself and my life. And God has always just aligned me or given me the opportunity to rise in a capacity when I'm connected with someone that I'm supposed to be working with. And so I kind of like it that way a lot more. And I've always kind of been that way. I'm not a super big organizations person, probably because I'm an only child, but I'm definitely an extrovert. But yeah, I just I love to do my own thing, and I love to have community and socialize, but I'm really thrilled to kind of follow my own path in a lot of different ways. So I remember around that time, I really start questioning the way that everyone was talking to each other on social media and in person. It just seemed like everyone was so over the top ingratiating themselves, but it didn't feel authentic. You know. It's like everyone was saying, I'm so grateful, I'm so honored, I'm so but it felt so performative, and it was, you know, I would just kind of observe how people do that with people they hardly knew, and it just it was giving so much value to relationships that hadn't even begun to form yet, you know. And I was just kind of observing that without judgment. And I really I remember I wanted to be so diligent when I started noticing that that if I said someone was with my friend, they were my friend. I'm not a person that calls everybody bro and sis again only child, so I don't.
Even like that.
I'm like, that's not my experience, though I don't know what siblings are like. But yeah, so I'm not a big bro sis person unless you are really that deeply connected in my life. I like, I like for things to be true, you know, And I think we don't have to upsell everything all the time. Sometimes there's beauty and being like, oh that's a new friend we actually just met, but we clicked, I really like them, instead of being like, oh yay, yeah that's my girl, that's my girl. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah we talk, we're connected. You know. It's like, I just like the truth of things. I want to feel things the way they actually are. I want to see, I want to sense, I want to hear, I want to smell. I want to you know, be with things the way they actually are, because that's the point. So some years back, I really I really started being just a little bit more more diligent with that, you know. I didn't want to get wrapped up in that, or if somebody kind of was like overly claiming me in a way that felt beneficial to them but wasn't true for me, I would just kind of call that out, you know, in a very subtle way and just say, yeah, well I don't really know them that well actually, but yeah we met, you know, but just clarifying. I want to be clear, you know, because ultimately it's when it kind of comes down to it and we're seeing that a lot now you don't really know who people are, so you kind of got to be careful with that in a few different ways. I'm gonna go a little bit left right now. But I was watching a story yesterday, sorry, reading an article yesterday that oh god, it just gutted my soul. There is this story out about a YouTube mom who was coming out with all these YouTube videos, all this social media content, being a mother with her multiple children. Oh god, and you know, it just turned out that she was abusing them. And she had all these followers, right she had this very bright face, bright smile. And that's what's always kind of to me about social media too. You know, beauty does not equate goodness. Liability does not equate goodness. You know, someone being able to relate to someone else, it does not equate goodness. But yet everyone is constantly giving away their power, having this kind of bizarre worship of people for really kind of obscure reasons that have nothing to do with their actual character or how they show up or the consistency of the way that they show up. And so I'm always just kind of observing that in general in our society, it's I don't dig it at all. I don't dig it at all. And so, you know, she had amassed all these followers, and you know, people are people project so you see something for whatever reasons you're drawn to it, attracted to it. We follow people for such a multitude of reasons, but then you know, it's like you're pouring your heart out, you're celebrating everything she posts, You're you're following her advice. And she was abusing her children. Her youngest son was able to escape and found help. The police came. They saw that she had been chaining them up in the house, that they had lacerations, and she was putting cayenne pepper and honey into their open wounds. Ugh, Like, it's just sick, It's just sick. It's just sick. Be discerning, you know. We really got to just stop pouring energy and good faith and good will into things without actually vetting it, without actually kind of checking in with ourselves, Like why am I so drawn to this anyway? Sorry, y'all messing with kids? There's just there is nothing that gets that can destroy me more, or gets under my skin more, or just kind of takes me out of myself more. We have to protect our children and we have to step in, and you know, gratefully that was done here. I'm kind of going on a tangent now, so I'll reel it back in. But she ultimately was sentenced to sixty years in jail. Right, So clearly she has some disorders happening and some delusions happening. So she's in jail. God speed exactly what she needs and deserves. So to that point, good Lord, let me fill it back in. So I'm just I'm observing that a lot. I see that a lot, and I think one of the reasons I'm drawn to noticing that, especially when it comes to social media relationships now, because that's really that's become a whole category in and of itself, you know, I just think it's really important to check in, like is this person in your life, in your actual life, right? Like we're meant to learn through relationship. That's one of the ways God changes us and speaks to us. It's one of the ways that the universe really one of the biggest and most profound ways that the universe lets you know what your work is, lets you know, gives you feedback on your choices. And so if we're not having real relationship in the world for those that are able, I know, there's also a multitude of barriers to that for so many different reasons. So this isn't judgment but if that is something that is a part of your life, you know, being able to be in the world with other people, it's just really important that we honor that human experience and that humanity and that you build in real life. And you know, I think in the last kind of fifteen years of social media really growing in the way that it has, and definitely in the last probably ten to twelve years of Instagram, you know, that's really getting lost. And I think I'm noticing that there is quite a bit of delusion present with people in what their relationships actually are and who knows them and what that means. And you know, being able to have real experience and practice with give and receive in a meaningful way that extends past you know, likes and celebratory comments or you know, memes. So our humanity, you know, our humanity looking at those relationships and so those you know, that time ago, when I really started taking that more seriously, I kind of have been. That's been such a beautiful unfolding for me because I really feel profoundly connected to the people that I'm connected to, which also provides such an element of stability and groundedness and the rest of your life right if you're not, if you have the relationships that nourish you and that are mirrors for you and that are reciprocal for you, and that stretch you and teach you and grow you and give you opportunity to do that with others your life, you know, in relation to all the other things happening, it feels a lot more established, right. You're not grasping for things, You're not kind of existing in a space of lack because there are other cups that are full. So something's not going right in career, you have other cups that are full. Somebody's not, you know, going great with family or with love. You have so many other cups that are full. So the authenticity, the depth of relationship, it's something we all have to work towards, right. I think for very few people is it innately easy and are they already on the path where they're meeting equally yoked people and good people right, because there's a real barrier to that. You're only as good as the choices you have access to. But it's important to really, I believe, push ourselves to stretch ourselves to have meaningful intimacy with other people, and especially that extends past romance. It is why we're here and we need it. And you know, hopefully at some point, all of the looking on social media, all of the carent you know, the perceiving, the assuming, it's going to change form. And so it's so important to be investing in your real life and not just your online life. No one is going to remember the stuff you post, even the stuff that gets a million clicks, because what does that even mean anymore? So many people, millions of people get a million clicks, right, So it's out of balance, so there's not a real specialness to that anymore. Now we're just feeding something for what exactly. So that was my first dive into I be talking, That was my first kind of dive into really exploring like I want to have the most authenticity present as possible, and I want to make sure that I am present with also the way other people are connecting themselves. So that is one way that I look at things, and I think another way that I look at friendship and relationship is we have to really be clear about what we have time for. So these were some of my thoughts going into the process. I'm gonna teach in a second, but what do we really have time for in relationship with other people, because sometimes, you know, we can leak our energy when we're just getting so wrapped up and being in connection with high volumes of people, especially high volumes of people, if the quality isn't matching. And I know, you know, all of our lives are shaped differently. So for some people you have legions and legions of friends and connections. For other people, you might have a really tight knit, close group that you've known for a long time. And for some other people, you know, it may be, for whatever reasons, more of a solitary kind of experience at this this lifetime or this moment in life. And I'm definitely one of the one of those people because I've lived a lot of lives in this life, moved a ton, worked in a bunch of different industries, and you know, I'm an extrovert. I'm a double Gemini, so i'd be talking just like on this show. You know, I have a lot, a lot, a lot of people in my life and I'm which has been interesting because I'm also an only child raised by a single parent. But I have a lot of friends, acquaintances, business associates, you know, chosen family, just in my life and it's not really possible to keep up in the deepest ways. So I've had to be realistic with myself and realistic with those closest to me about what's possible for me. Because I do care about my connections deeply, and I know how much they care about me. It nourishes me, you know, to no end. But I've kind of had to adopt a system with myself where I don't really friend flirt. Like if I'm out and I'm in a space where I'm meeting a lot of people, I can't just be like, oh yeah, here's my number, here's my number, or you know, oh yeah, yeah, let's follow each other back because I know at this point in my life, I don't really have space for a lot of new deep connections. I have space to you know, connect, collaborate definitely, like grow fondness, be really kind of supportive casual friends or acquaintances. But my needs are really met in that category of my life of community and friendship. And I'm also a single mom and I have a business, so my focus is on all of the blooming that currently present. So that's just one of the ways that I kind of try to look at it because I also want to make sure that one I'm not leaking energy a bunch of places, and two I'm not being insincere right because you don't know where you know on their path someone that's connecting to you is. So we want to, you know, always give dignity to all involved and loved all involved. But that's one way that I look at approaching new situations. It's how much room do I actually have in my life? And especially when you click deeply with people, which is such a rare experience, you want to make sure you have a room to accommodate.
That deeply well.
I think Also another way that I look at things is what can I actually give? So looking at my strengths as a friend, I'm not necessarily an everyday friend. I'm that with a very very very few select people. I'm not sit on the phone and talk friend. Very very rare, rare people can I do that with. I'm probably not someone that can text back right away, like I need a nice little three days at least five days sometimes to get back. But what I am is I'm somebody that will get into trenches with you, like that's really what my strength is. If there is something going on, good bad, I will be so deeply present in it with you. I'm present for real intimacy. I'm present for you know, deep talks and connection. I'm present for pleasure, for fun. But I also have a life that requires a lot of me and so not necessarily the everyday friend. And so I try to be very honest with that because it's all just based on our personal preference. Some people are some people love you know, kind of talking all day every day, and so it's just it's good to know our love languages as friends, you know, and be clear with that. One of my closest girlfriends actually, she is like such an extrovert and just so special and sparkly and encouraging and you know, always always connected like deeply to so many different people at the same time. And we've just had to share conversation, you know, and I say, I'm not like that, So I just you know, let's let's give each of us the dignity of our expression. Let's be clear. I love you, I'm here for you always, but it's going to take me a couple days to text you back. And you have to know that that's not personal. And you have to trust my heart, right like you have to trust my character to know that I'm not mad at you, I'm not avoiding you all the things. So having conversations like that with our friends, it just deepened where we can go. And ultimately it's all just feedback and information. So you know, if someone can't friend the way that you can feel the disappointment for a moment, but take it as valuable feedback and plant that energy elsewhere. There are nine billion people on this planet. If you are not feeling deeply connected, supported, seen, and flow with giving and receiving with the group of people in your life, you have to take a chance on yourself. There are nine billion people living right now. It's a big world. It's a big world. There are other people out there, all right. I want to get into the process that I talked about. So this is a process that I did that I really started the top of the pandemic when I was exploring all the thoughts that I just shared, and then I put it into action because something that I realized was I am ready to go deeper with some people in my life, and I am ready to release the relationships that may have run their course, may have never been healthy or may you know, just naturally, we're not in timing with each other and we're not in flow. And so I have this process where I meditated. I meditated on thoughts of friendship, and I asked God to bring me clarity to the way that I experienced friendship and community and to give me clear guidance on the choices I should make. And so when I came out of that meditation, I really started thinking about all of the people in my.
Life, and.
I thought about friendships from the past. I thought about situations where maybe I was hurt by a friend, or there was some kind of betrayal present or some kind of misunderstanding present. I thought about instances where I may have not noticed the impact I was having on someone else. And I just started kind of creating in my journal these little piles, these little columns, these categories. And I first divided it into categories of who do I own apology to in my life? And I wrote down some names. Then I created a category of who's hurt me right? And I let myself write down some names and sit and think about each experience. After I got all of the words on paper, I went outside. My favorite thing, and I kind of moon gazed for a little bit, and I lit a candle and I started talking to God. I got in prayer, and for every person on the side of the list, no matter what the reason was, if it was a misunderstanding, no matter if it was mutual, anyone that I felt I wasn't who I am right now with, I said prayer for and specifically my prayer was for them, and then my prayer was, you know, I'm so sorry, Please forgive me, and I forgive you. And then I released it, and I really gave myself some real time to do that. I didn't speed through the process. I kind of took some deep breaths. I gave myself time to think about and remember the interaction whatever I could recall. And then I closed my eyes and I prayed and I bowed to them. I did the same thing with the people that it hurt me. So I thought about those instances. I thought about what it meant to me then, what it meant to me now. I thought about who we were then you know what life looks like now for each of us. And then I did the same thing. I asked them for forgiveness for any way that I may have wronged them in this lifetime or another, and then I told them that I forgave them for whatever they did in this lifetime or another. So that was week one. I kind of settled into that, and then I let myself integrate that experience and just kind of let thoughts continue to come up over the next few weeks and just greet them, explore them, release them all the things. The second part of this was in my journal. I made another list and I wrote down everyone that I was in relationship with in my life and whatever kind of way I was in relationship with them, and I wrote down it made categories of like what relationships felt good, what felt yoked, what relationships felt unequally yoked, whether that was through energy exchange given or receive, or the ways that we show up in friendship, because that is something to look at. Even if someone is doing their best, it still may not be the best fit for you. It may not be the ideal friendship for you. It may be that the friendship is just out of balance and there is no way for you to kind of, you know, energetically be in harmony with one another. I looked at the relationships that I wanted to go deeper in. I looked at the relationships that there was emotional intelligence present and relationships where it wasn't. I looked at the casual friendships, who do I love spending time with because you know, we just connect, but we may not necessarily have you know, deep conversations, but our time is valuable anyway, right, And then I looked at ones where it was like, what is too casual? Like what do I really not have time to keep up with? You know, I think especially as we're parents, we start to really look at, you know, what you have time for. So it's like, if I get one Saturday a month, I can't just catch up with anybody on that Saturday, okay, and can't just be something where you know, I needed to mean something. I need it. I need it to be nourishing. I need it to be I need to be able to be really seen. I need to be able to be fully myself. I needed to be able to sink in deep right away. Right. So you look at like, what do you actually have time for in friendship? How much time you actually spend with friends? What does that look like? And you start taking stock of your friend life. So made the column about casual friendships. Then I made the column about friends who I have unfinished business with, whether it was something that happened fifteen years ago, ten years ago, five years ago, last week, but things happen that we never talked about, and we've been carrying it around big or small, right, but the things that kind of rub you the wrong way or give you a little bit of charge, or times that you felt disappointed. And I just wrote the names down, also knowing that I may be you know, I may have my own reckoning when we start that conversation, and I set the intention that these are my kind of on the fringe friendships where we can either go way deeper or it might be time to part ways because our needs for friendship are really not being met or you know, I'm tired of having this unsaid, unspoken unfinished business. So we we got to talk about it and based on how we each receive that, you know, that's information and will know how to move. And then I told myself, I'm going to give myself the next year to get to my answers on the questions that I had. So for everyone, the intention was really who stays, who goes, you know, and not in any goic way, right, It's not about you not being able to be in my life. It's we both miss out, we both lose one another. You know, it's a privilege to be in connection. It's a privilege for both parties to be in a relationship, but it's also access that can be taken back. You know, we can always kind of look over whatever these agreements are we have with other people, see what roles just don't fit anymore. You know, maybe, especially when you have friends from early life, it could be like, you know, the first half of the friendship, they were in the kind of big brother big sister role. But life changed and so you don't like kind of playing like that anymore because it hasn't been that way in a long time. You know, you get to decide, you get to grow, you get to grow up, you get to meet each other again. You know, in some of the best case scenarios, part of me giving myself the year to do that was also really exploring the conversations that you have to have about that, you know, and the boundaries that may need to be set, The way that you were going to share your truth with compassion, the way you're going to actively listen to someone else sharing their truth. You know, you got to approach it with all the depth that you also require, especially with the people that you know you may not get it back from. I think that is the greatest space that we can practice in. And can I be who I say I am? Can I behave how I say I behave? Can I give to another what I want to receive even if they can't keep up right, even if they can't mirror that back to me? And it's just so important that we do that because that's really where some of the deeper soul teaching happens. Sometimes you have to really in neutrality role model the way that you want people to be with you. It's important and so getting ready for those conversations and so over that next year, I just started approaching it that way. I would reach out to a couple people and say, hey, can we get together. I want to talk about a couple of things. Where I called some friends and said, hey, do you have space to kind of talk about us for a second, and then sat down, got grounded, walked in with no expectations, which I think is a big piece of this puzzle too, because whenever you're ready to make radical change in your life. You have to detach from the outcome. You have to say, this could go either way, and I accept that, and so in those friendship conversations, that's what I did. And you know, there were a couple people that I felt weren't there for me in a way that I really would have liked in a time that I really needed it. And I felt like I require so little emotionally from friends. I'm kind of this, you know, I'm on my path. I'm this fine tuned machine, so sometimes I don't really require the same amount of processing that I may assist with for a friend. And so then, you know, part of what I experience is that people forget to ask you if you're okay, or people forget to, you know, kind of check in in whatever ways they're able to show up for you because they're used to seeing you get through things. And so there were friends that I had to call and say, you know, I really felt so unsupported and it hurt. And some of the responses that you get back can be profoundly beautiful. I remember I had one friend who I shared that with and we ended up having the most beautiful conversation for almost two hours, and in that conversation I was really able to remember all the ways that in other stages of life, this was a long term friend, she had shown up for me like powerfully, beautifully, generously, and I was able to kind of reel it back in, you know, and be like, I was going through something that you know, maybe the majority of people I know don't have practice and understanding, So is there a space for that to be okay? You know, and can I voice what I need now? And so with a few friends it was just that, and now our friendship is like better than I would have ever dreamed that. I'm so grateful that we both kind of had the courage to face it. And then I had other friends that got defensive. I had some friends that you know, we just felt like it was okay to let go. You know, it felt really good in all the ways that that showed up for me in my life. It felt really really good, and it led to creating space, real space.
Deeply well.
So in that year time span, I investigated that with a lot of different kinds of people.
I had a lot of conversations. It said a lot, I heard a lot, had a lot of prayer for just the cleanliness of the breaks. You know that any break that happened with anyone in my life, that it could be done with dignity, with respect, with honor, with grace, with an appreciation for whatever time we spent together, whatever we learned from each other.
And that felt good. That really settled my heart and spirit and kind of a lot of space of like I can I can really see you from afar and smile, you know, and feel happy for you and feel you know, grateful for you. But also know that we don't have to be an active friendship or partnership anymore. You know that that's not what our path is at this time. But if I run into you, can we can I give you a big hug?
Can I?
You know? So in that year that I did.
That, I shed a lot a lot of.
Connections and I created a lot of space for God to walk into my life, the connections that really are aligned with who I am in this moment. And again, in most cases, it's not good or beat. It's not like new friends were better than the old, but it's just that we changed so much and it is so important to be in alignment with who we are with the calling on our lives with the time, you know. So in that space I met some new friends that have become some of the closest people in my life. I had space to just try new things, to have more time for myself to try on some new hobbies, and also in the midst of doing all of that, I did a massive social media purge. So this is probably three years ago now, but I always take big breaks from social media, typically in the winter, and so in December, I think I was following like a couple thousand people. I don't know how many. I unfollowed everyone, and then I kept it like that for a couple months, and then when I was ready to see social media again. I have since and I'm still doing it. Been slowly easing myself back into following people. So I would just kind of add a couple people here and there. Whenever they popped into my mind, I would, you know, whenever they came into my awareness or my consciousness. Then I'd be like, oh, yeah, I want to follow that person back. But that was one of the greatest kind of unfoldings of this process, too, was clearing house on social media. I've shared this process with a lot of my girlfriends who have since done it as well, but it was so powerful because something I realized was I don't have the time, the space, or the capacity to know the nuance of everyone's life that I've ever known. Right like on social media when I first signed up, which was over a decade ago, you just followed everybody you ever saw, and you're interacting with each other, and it felt cool because you were kind of getting more connected with people you didn't know well and you know, just able to share different sides of yourself. And then moving to a few different states, I was, you know, you kind of get this big group of people all at the same time, and so I was just following people that I just hadn't seen and I hadn't talked to, I hadn't thought of on my own naturally in ten years. You know, it's not there's not enough space in my brain to know what everyone is doing and what everyone who I've known or met decades ago, what they're reading, what they're eating, who their kids are, what they like. You know, it's fun when you can pop in and get that organically, you know, like you just happen to run into someone on the street and that's where you do the big ketchup. I haven't seen you in twenty years? What are you doing? Who are you? I wanted more space for that in my life, like authenticity of surprise, the authenticity of connection. So I think I'm somewhere around like four hundred people that I'm following you back. Now there's still people I haven't followed back. I've definitely got some stuff for that. That's fine, And it made space to see, like, what do I actually want to fill my psyche with with all of the ways that social media floods you're subconscious, you know, I want to be a little bit more diligent and discerning with that too. So that was my social media process, that was my friend purge process. All of that got me up to this last year, and it felt amazing like the last couple of years having done that have been so rich, so fun, so expansive in so many different ways, and it just I felt like it really proved my intuition right, and I felt so grateful that I took the time to do that because it wasn't comfortable. You know, it is an uncomfortable thing to have all those conversations, to even check the charge in your body when you do a mass unfollow and how people will feel and you know, but just being with whatever feeling is present and noticing it. It's part of the power of the process. So I felt really great for that, grateful for that, and walking into twenty twenty four, I thought, let me try this again. So I sat down with my journal coming into twenty twenty four, and what I've realized is there's no one I want to release in my life the last couple of years. Everyone that came, everyone that stayed, everyone that I expanded with. They have been some of the most gorgeous relationships of this lifetime so far. And so to just kind of see that there were no kind of leaks, there were no areas that were out of balance, felt amazing. So what I decided to do in that case is just really start reflecting on the agreements right because based on the season of life I'm in, based on the season of life other people are in, I wanted to create some understandings of how I might want to spend my time. So I start looking at the quality of relationships that are in my life right now, friendships casual, deep, and also people I'm interested in growing friendship with, and some of those new relationships, and so there were some categories where it was like, yeah, I want to go even deeper than we've already gone. So you're in the category of priority. You know, it is a priority to me that if I happen to get free time in my month, I want to make sure we get on calendar to see each other regularly. Those are really the people that like pour into my life, that are like my regular fixtures. We go to the market together, we you know, we're really in each other's day to day lives. We cook together, we go to museums together, and they're the people that show up for my kid. Those are my priorities, Like if I get a chance to have free time, that column gets me first. Right. Then I had a column of who do you want to nourish these connections in the way that you're able to but also know that it may not be aligned in this year or this season to really see each other as much because of the way both of our schedules are flowing. Made that one made another one of like, Okay, who am I in flow with? That I know is valuable, but we might us kind of be in some spots that have charged to it. You know, we may not be yoked in a way that's just kind of about our spiritual curriculum rubbing up against each other. So who needs some boundaries, right Who? Who do we need a little bit of extra space from? So I made that category, and then I made a category of who have you kind of met and connected with in this last couple of years that you want to continue to plant seeds in that it's not something that requires maybe a lot of active engagement, but that you're open to really planning more seeds and seeing how this develops over the next couple of years. And I really like friendship that way. In general. I'm not someone that likes to kind of be casually like, hey, not unless it's true. You know, I am a very excited person, but not unless it's true. And I also don't want anyone treating me overly casually. Right like this this idea that we have to all pretend we're tighter and deeper than we actually are without having done the work to really cultivate that and grow that. So it feels real, So it feels nourishing. Team no trauma bonds. So I like to build friendships slowly over time. We do not need to rush. It's also how I approach relationships, and you know, love connections build it slowly over time. I'm not in a rush for any of it. My life feels full, I'm not in a space of lack. I'm focused on hearing God's voice and the way that God is speaking to me and what I'm meant to be paying attention to. So why not move slow? You know, I want to get to know someone in their story and who they are over time at a rate that also allows me to respect their stories even more. It's so much different if someone is telling you one of the stories of their lives, right like one of their big stories, part of their hero's journey, and you don't know them well, so you don't know their characteristics, you don't know there is dience, you don't know their joy. The story doesn't land in the same way. It's not as meaningful and maybe inspiring. You may be like damn, but you can't really connect in the same way as if you've gotten to know that person a little bit better. You already kind of understand them, You've already have some foundation, and then they share something with you and you can really witness them and what they're sharing with you. You can really see the truth of them and what they're sharing with you, and it helps you understand them more. It helps you give them, you know, more grace, especially when they need it. You know, we should take the time to really understand each other. And to do that, we just got to move a little more slowly. We have to be willing to kind of not know everything right away, to not you know, max out on experiences right away. That's what I like. So if this process feels good to you, consider doing that for your soul work this week. Start to take stock, make some columns in your journal, write down, you know, what kind of friend are you? What are you looking for in a friend? When that comes up, really evaluate those needs. You know, are you looking for people in your life to provide things for you that you're unwilling to provide for yourself. Are you looking for people in your life to provide things for you that perhaps the more significant relationships in your life, like your parents or even your spouse isn't right. Look at that because then you also know kind of what's true and how deep you can actually go. Again, we want to give everybody authenticity, dignity, grace and let relationships be what they're supposed to be and not what we're trying to control or force them to be. So in that list, think about the quality of friendship you desire, you require, you give, and then started making lists in your life right now. Who are your deepest friendships that you trust, Who are your casual relationships, who are really purely social media relationships, and maybe their relationships that you thought would grow and then didn't. You know, who are your work relationships, What are the kind of relationships you want to call in, What are some recent connections that you want to explore? Just start to notice, start to notice, start to notice, start to notice. Spend about a week with that. Then think about the friends in your life that you have any unfinished business with, or people in your life with unfinished business, think about any wounds you have around friendship and just kind of get them out. You can write a bullet point style. It can be a couple of words, it could just be names, but just really notice, you know, what are some of those pain points, What are some of those stories, What are some of those experiences that you could have shown up better? You know, life has given you a reflective view of think about ways to make peace with that. Sometimes it is maybe reaching out, maybe being accountable, or maybe having an accountability conversation with the people in your life, letting people know you've been hurt. Sometimes it's about apologizing and reaching out and saying you're sorry, saying you got something wrong, asking if there can be a repair.
You know.
For some friends, it's also about dating each other, getting to know each other again, or saying, hey, I know we had you know, maybe a harsh point. I would like to keep this friendship going, but can we take it slow to get back there? You know, maybe we can't just rush right into besties again, but can we take it slow? Can we commit to maybe seeing each other once a month, trying to get on the phone every couple of weeks. Move slow, We have time, We have time. And then after you finish that, say your prayers, say your you know, forgiveness recipes for the conversations you don't have, and then really say a prayer about what you'll call in for your community, and allow yourself to watch this community release and grow over the next calendar year and just keep noticing and see the surprises, see you know, see the opportunities that are present, and consider the social media detox recipe that I shared with you. It's been a really beautiful experience for me. After I did that first kind of purge on social media, I also followed a few people back and then I muted everybody for about another year, and I would just kind of check on their page when they came into my head. So I would, you know, be like, oh my god, look what they're up to, or oh, how did I miss this? And you see me going on a liking spree, or you know, I'm on all the stories. But something that I loved about that piece of it was it really it kind of nudged me and the people in my life who actually be in each other's lives and not just participate on social media and allow that to be enough. You know, if I'm not engaging in everything you post every day, I'm able to catch up with you for real when I see you, and I'm able to kind of not have made assumptions or not have created a perception, like you know, just hear about your life from you and vice versa. And also it's just very important for us, especially if you're on a journey, to have seasons where you're not consuming things all the time. You're not consuming a lot of shows, You're not consuming a lot of content, You're not consuming a lot of thoughts. You're not consuming a lot of books. You're not being influenced by things around you. You're not being led to look up things because your phone overheard you say them. You know, those moments are important. Those are the moments God speaks to us. Those are the moments that purpose can develop because there is a breakthrough thought, there's spontaneity, there's some level of synchronicity happening. There's signs, their symbols, you know, all of that that can't get through to us. All of that can't really engage with our intuition if we're constantly being fed things really without our consent. You know, I didn't sign up to watch that, to read that, to see that, so consider that too. I did that for well, yeah, I've shared that on the show before. For you know, a couple of years just giving up watching anything and reading and listening to things, and I just let my kind of unique imprint and signature come in, and I let my own observations and my thoughts really expand. It can be so helpful. Consider it let me know how it goes. Thank you for listening to the show. Shia Talker excited to share so many new episodes, and I have something very special coming to the show. For the ogs that used to listen to the Dropping Gym's podcast. For those that miss the introductory poem by my friend Namdi okafor we have a surprise coming, so I can't wait to share that with you. Thank you for listening. No mistake, the content presented on Deeply Wells serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance, and does not constitute a provider patient relationship. As always, it is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific concerns or questions that you may have. Connect with me on social at Debbie Brown that's Twitter and Instagram, or you can go to my website Debbie Brown dot com. And if you're listening to the show on Apple Podcasts, don't forget. Please rate, review, and subscribe and send this episode to a friend. Deeply Well is a production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Network. It's produced by Jacquess Thomas, Samantha Timmins, and me Debbie Brown. The beautiful soundback you heard That's by Jarrelyn Glass from Crystal Cadence. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.