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Temporary Mormons with Bridger Winegar

Published Jun 9, 2022, 7:01 AM

Bridger Winegar, host of the podcast I Said No Gifts!, joins Chelsea this week to talk about psychosexual intrigue, using your love language, and the costs of delayed emotional intimacy.  Then: A couple of bears are frustrated by a friend’s awkward invitations.  A wife struggles with her husband’s lack of effort when it comes to gift-giving. And a Jersey girl can’t stop daydreaming about her personal trainer.

 

Have a question you'd like to ask Chelsea? Send us an email at DearChelseaProject@gmail.com

 

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Executive Producer Nick Stumpf

Produced by Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert

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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.

Hi, Katherine, how are you doing. I'm amazing. I A Oh good. I haven't been able to get warm for two days. I had a celery juice yesterday, which I used to drink all the time, but then I stopped drinking it because I don't know who knows why I do anything, And then uh, I drank it and I have been cold since. Oh no, have you ever done one of those juice where you are fucking freezing by day three because you have no food in your system. I don't. Maybe there's something in the air because I've been hot, or at least when we were in New York together, I could not stop sweating. I was so hot. Maybe it was the humidity, but it was like sixty four degrees and I just was so hot. Still, Yeah, that's annoying, too hot or cold? And then I guess the only thing about being cold that is annoying is that my nipples get so hard, and that's painful, you know, like I'm breastfeeding or something. That's a very annoying feeling. So I don't like that. But I do. I hate when I go on stage, like if I don't have the right jumpsuit of the right climate if I have too much material on and the air conditioning isn't on the up and up, and I have a real problem. I had to perform a few weeks ago in a backyard outdoor barbecue for a corporate gig that I did, and that was very in Austin, and it was it was very moist. Is the word that I would use to describe that environment. Mois is a troubling word. Uh. Speaking of shows, So I have shows coming up, stand up shows. I just added thirty new stand up dates for areas all over the country, so make sure to check those out. And there are still tickets for my second show in Nashville, where I'm taping my next special, directed by none other than my lover CHOKOI. Okay, So I want to welcome our guest today, comedy writer, actor and host of the podcast I said, no gifts, please welcome Bridger Wineger. Hi, Bridger. How are you. I'm doing pretty well? How are you? I'm pretty well? You know Catherine because you're sitting right next to her, of course, so that helps that I wanted to talk about that we have Mormonism in common somewhat. Oh sure, sure, I'm happy to talk about that I know that you came from a Mormon background, right, or you come from a Mormon background. I guess I kind of both of those things. My family is Mormon. I grew up Mormon, no longer Mormon for a variety of factors, but the big one being my homosexuality, which is big no no for Mormonism. Yes, I didn't grow up Mormon, but my sister converted to Mormonism. My mother was Mormon, and then she dragged my sister down to Mormonism with her, and then my sister slowly has snapped out of it over the years. When did your sister convert? Well, my brother passed away when we were a kids and she was older. And then, like they say that, you know, a lot of people come down with illness after somebody dies in their family, you know, because of the internalization of everything. And so my sister got LUPUS when she was in college and when she came home. Part of the ordeal of having that kind of and we believe it was misdiagnosed at this point because they put her on so many meds and so many drugs that she was just a zombie basically for six months. She didn't leave the house. She lost all her hair, she was on steroids. Her face, you know, it was she just as unrecognizable. And I think in that my mother thought, okay, let's you know, she had turned to religion after my brother died and then my sister. She thought that was kind of going to be the self for her as well. So she converted my sister to Mormonism, and then my sister over time and once she had you know, got married and had a children of her own, I think realized the absurdity of Mormonism and how exclusionary it is. Oh yes, and wait, so did she marry a Mormon? And that was a good thing because he's not. It's always helpful to try and shake that out of your sister. Um. But yeah, growing up, it's funny that I meet so many Mormons that are homosexuals. It's like, I think those are the only Mormons that are gonna be coming into your I don't think you're gonna be getting any just regular Mormons. Yeah. I also have an issue with the proselyticization, you know, the the the constant infringing on your personal space with talk of like what missionaries do showing up at your door teaching you the word. I have a problem with that kind of bullshit too. It's like, back the funk up and I'll let you know what I'm interested in learning about. Of course, I have an incredibly big problem with it because I did it. I went to I was in Malaysia doing it, and that was the breaking point for me. It was like, what am I doing? So what happened when you were there? Tell me about your breaking point. I grew up in Utah and my obviously my family was Mormon, and in Utah, it's kind of just a given if you're at least if you're male, that you'll be going on a Mormon mission when you turn At the time, it was when you would turn nineteen. I think it's younger now. But so even if you're not that convinced of it, you're going to end up going somewhere for two years to do the proselytizing and trying to convince people to get on board. And also keep in mind for those people who don't know you're not well, correct me if I'm wrong, but you're you're not allowed to even call your parents right except on their birthday or something. During this time, you get to. I believe you get to call them on Mother's Day, uh and Christmas, and maybe I think like, and this is all of course based on my experience. I don't know even how many years ago, fifteen something years ago, so I do think they've kind of adjusted it, but not that much. You basically are cut off from the rest of the world. You can't watch TV, you can't listen to popular music, you can't read the news. It's essentially the one thing you get to read is the Book of Mormon or the Bible, and then the rest of the world is very unless you're like in a restaurant and there's a TV playing the news and you're like kind of stealing as at what's going on in the outside world. You have no idea what's happening. Yeah, it's slightly eerily similar to The Handmaid's Tale, with less um forms. I guess seclusion, you know. I mean, you're also not allowed to have caffeine. You certainly can't have sex, no drugs or alcohol, which would be really hard to deal with if you I was going to become religious, that would be the first thing that I would need an exorbitant amount. Yeah. Yeah, well, before we get to all the fun stuff. We'll take a quick break. Okay, sounds good, We'll be right back. And so what about your siblings. Are you in touch with your siblings at all? Oh? Yeah, I mean my family for the most part is like I came out extremely late when I was thirty, largely because of Mormonism. I had left the church. I had been out of it for maybe a decade before I came out. But the reason it took me so long as I was afraid I was going to lose my family or lose connection with them. And then most of were oddly cool with it. My parents were very they were able to catch on pretty quickly. And then some of my said, like my younger sister and I are like best friends, and I think she saw it coming and was totally cool with it. That I have two brothers who were on board for the most part, so it's uh. And then like extended family seems pretty good with it as well. It's been very surprising. Yeah, well that that sounds like a great experience then, right, because that's not the typical Mormon experience. I mean, it can really go in any direction, and that's what I was prepared for. So for it to have worked out this well, and for them to have embraced my boyfriend the way they have, it's been pretty amazing. Sometimes I'm like, does my mom still think this is a phase and that eventually I'll just break up with my boyfriend and then find a wife. But I think for the most part, they've just been lovely. And do you think that having to wait until your thirty coming out to your thirty, like, do you think that had idlitarious impact on your growth as a human being or do you feel like that was just your road? Oh my god, it's I mean, it continues to impact me within my relationship. I'm still like, there are still things I struggle with. Just intimacy in general with friends, with people in my life is still very difficult for me because I held so much from the people I loved for such a long time. It's hard for me to share feelings with even with my boyfriend. Will have to drag information out of me because I'm just used to having this shield up, and then it affects other things too, just like making decisions. Just in general. I probably have another decade of therapy before I feel like I'll feel like a complete operating person. Yeah, And I think that is the point for any listeners who are parents with children who may come to you with a decision that you may not like or approve of, like you have to remember the impact that you're having on them for the rest of their lives postponing, you know, doing something at thirty that you could have done when you were twenty, or if you were really lucky and felt secure, and you know, even younger, you know you could have been completely honest about your situation and not not have stunted your growth as an individual, as a sexual being, as somebody who could be vociferous about their feelings towards the same sex, and your pursuit of a relationship like these are all things that we should be able to be open about, and our family should be open and loving, because that doesn't preclude you being a lovable person. That just means you have a different set of interests than your parents do, or that the people that you're surrounded with do, and prolonging that and stunting that has a negative impact on anybody's life. And that's something that would be helpful to remember and to think, especially when you disagree with somebody's lifestyle. It's like, as long as there's not doing anything harming another person, there's no reason for your judgment to cloud your loving and acceptance of that person. Your love and acceptance of that person. So I would hope that anyone who finds out that they have a gay son or daughter or their son or daughter is interested in things that they are not interested in to try and just accept and love that person for who they are and their individuality. Yeah, so your relationship, Now, you've been in a relationship for a bit, right, Yeah, I've been with my boyfriend for seven years. That's the lucky number, seven years. Do you feel a seven year itch or no? I feel like a thirty year which after the last two years of the pandemic, I truly feel like we could have celebrated like our twenty fifth anniversary this year, and it's like putting twenty years into a time capsule if you survived the pandemic together. Right, I mean, thank god, knock on wood, We're doing all right. But it's been a very challenging two years. I mean especially the first year of Like this is the one person I get to spend any time with. It can be a little it could be a little tough. Is that when you started your podcast. I started the podcast seven of twenty nineteen. We recorded our first episode. We banked sixteen episodes, and then we premiered on March twelve, which was like literally the day of Lockdown. So then it was this weird thing of like releasing sixteen weeks of episodes that were recorded pre pandemic. The pandemic is not mentioned in any of them. It's like being sent from another universe essentially, And then was right into like getting on Zoom and being like, well, we'll only be doing this for three or four weeks and then we can get back into person. And now it's been two years. Yeah, right, A lot has changed since the beginning of the pandemic. When we were washing our food with windex and when it got delivered to our house, I mean, we did a process where my niece was living with me and she would get the takeoff food. She has O c D, so we'd let her clean the food and it was about forty five minutes before we could even get the packages open because she would cleave them for so long. And I look back at that time and think, what a bunch of assholes. But we didn't know. It did feel like the Dark Ages for everyone was it's like superstition essentially. Yeah, And I have to say when that first happened, there was a sense of like, oh, it's like it was like a snow day for two weeks, Like the first time, you're like, oh, nobody can leave their house and nobody can socialize like I. That was such music to my ears, the idea that I was forbidden from socializing or leaving my house because if it left to my own devices, I would love to just bop around in my own living room, popping a xanex here and there, taking mushrooms, reading books and watching TV. Because I'm being ordered to by the government. You know, there is no better lick, sir for me. But then obviously after the first initial two weeks, it started to get a little bit dicey. That's when people started to get aunty. And then here we are, so hopefully we're on the tail end of things. So talk about your I Said No Gifts is your podcast. It's called I Said No Gifts. Tell us about your podcast because somebody brings a gift to your podcast even though the title is to not bring gifts. That's exactly what it is. Once a week, somebody shows up with a gift that I did not request, and then it kind of, you know, a derail's conversation. We end up having to talk about whatever they brought me and how much you dislike it. Extremely frustrating. Yes, right, and so you got discovered by Jimmy Kimmel. Is that right for you? I did? Yeah. I had been in l A for like four and a half years and had been tweeting kind of as my job. I had been working as a p A and I was like, the one way out of this might be Twitter. I don't because I didn't really know anyone in the industry or anything, and I was ready to give up. I was like, well, I gave it four and a half years, maybe it's time to move back to Utah. And maybe a month later Jimmy DMed me and it was like I like your tweets and then hired me. It was wow, Yeah, truly I owe him so many things, like at this point I probably said that so much. He's like, back off, but I don't care. He's such a sweetheart and started my writing career. Oh awesome. How long did you work there or do you still work there. Um No, I was there for a year and a half and then I went and I worked on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and I've worked more in like scripted TV. Good for you, Good for you. Okay, Well, you know this is an advice podcast, right, so people call in asking for our advice and we're just going to give it to them straight Catherine, What what do you have in store for us today? Or what do we have in store for us today? Well, we have some dramatic stuff, but I'm going to make you wait until after an ad break and then we'll get to it. Okay, We're gonna take a break and we'll be right back, and we're back. We're back. So our first email today comes from Heather. Heather says, Dear Chelsea, I don't know how to tell my husband he fucking sucks at buying presents. I have to always send him links to gifts I want, which takes away all the surprise. He's a great husband, father, and best friend. I think it bothers me so much because I'm so thoughtful with my gift giving and take care of everything when it comes to birthdays and holidays. I buy all the gifts for the kids and his parents. I don't need expensive items. A card and flowers would be nice. But once he bought me Microsoft Office for students for my birthday and I couldn't stop crying for an hour because I was so disappointed. I was pregnant and hormonal and in grad school at the time. He's sensitive and I know his feelings will be hurt. How do I tell him I need more thoughtfulness when it comes to him buying me presents without sounding like a materialistic asshole. Heather, Okay, well, actually, yeah, this is your wheelhouse gifts, unwanted gifts. Yeah. I mean, let's just first of all, say buying anyone Microsoft Office for any occasion as an attack, that is, if you will. I mean, there's no excuse there, Like that's just a flat out bad gift. But we should also say to Heather, some people are I think, are just not good at giving gifts. It's a skill. It's like not being good at playing the piano. It's like you can't be mad at somebody for not being able to play the piano. But this guy sounds somehow worse than not being good at gifts, because he's like Microsoft Office. But giving gifts is so important, especially if that's your love language. I mean, I know a friend of mine who a series of bad gifts. It wasn't just one, but a series of bad gifts, and lack of thought about these gifts was one of the things that led directly to her breakup. For example, for a significant birthday, this guy had gone to the jewelry store and bought her something that was just like kind of weird and sort of dowdy, and he gave it to her, and as she's trying to sort of like put on a happy face and like say thank you, he goes, oh, well, yeah, I know it's not really your style, but the jewelry store was closing, so I just had to pick something. Like I actually said that, like truly, I think there are people who are just really bad at that, and for some people it's a really important thing. Right. This might sound judgy, and so be it. I would just argue, like, if gifts are that fucking important to you, then that's a need for some reevaluation, you know, because like you said, I like what you said about being bad at playing the piano, Like it is a skill set and some people don't have all the skill sets. It shouldn't be the basis of whether or not you stay with or break up with somebody. And to to the question to Heather, I'm sure your husband has caught onto the fact you mean that you're not impressed, because you cited various examples of that. But in a very loving way, what you can ask him for is something that shows love, you know, something that shows your intimacy and that demonstrates that he knows and sees you. And Microsoft word or a blender are the same thing in that category. My driver, Billy is the worst gift giver ever with his wife. And this is a lot of straight men's problem, like they don't have that attention to detail, you know, they don't care. That mean the guy leaving the jewelry store like, oh I just got that. It actually sounds like the person that your friend is, Catherine that you're talking about. It sounds like their partners like you know what, fuck you? And maybe that was what really looked Yeah maybe so. But for Heather, you can say in a loving way like it doesn't have to be a big production, but it has to be something that you've thought, given thought to about what my reaction will be something that you know that I'll enjoy. I just need to show. I need you to demonstrate your thought and care for me, right, And that's not something that's going to blow up. You don't have to have an argument about it. It's just like, please, you know, instead of crying. I understand you were pregnant and your emotions and hormones were all over the map, but like, that's not the way to make your point either. The point is just to say, like, listen, I need you to demonstrate and give them some examples of things that would make you happy, noticing something that you need or that you're missing, or that something that you've mentioned you've liked before or on a friend or something like that. You can give the examples and also not hold everyone to the standard that they're going to be the best gift giver. I'm sure your husband has other qualities that you enjoy, and you should really start focusing a little bit more on those things. Yeah, a rule in my marriage is I don't want something I need. I want something I want which maybe i'll love actually quote, but he steers towards those things, whereas he wants like an ice maker for the kitchen, like he wants stuff that's useful, and yeah he wants hobby stuff. Yeah. My general thought is I just am very loud about the few material things I like to my boyfriend. I make it very clear. They're like three categories. I just repeat them over and over, especially near holidays or my birthday, and it makes it easy for him. He's not a great gift giver, and he he is a decent gift giver, but because I've given him all of the information and the tools, gave him some basic building blocks and let him go ahead with it. Yeah, I'm not going to give giving. I'm luckily I have an assistant who does that for me and then kind of does small amounts of research with my relationships to find out what those people need. But if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be great at it with Joe. Had one milestone with him, which is Christmas, and I got him a fancy watch because I know he loves watches. But I'm already like, funk, what am I going to do for his birthday? Like that was my one gift, that's my one idea. I mean, he loves sneakers, but he buys himself pairs of those like all day long. So I'm already like, oh and he got me you know what he got me for my birthday just that just recently passed. He got me this because I said, please, don't get me a gift. Please. You know, I don't care about gifts. I have everything I need and I don't want for anything. And so he got me this huge amethyst stone that's got good vibes and all of that. And I was like, oh God, that really made me think I better step my game up because that was a great gift, something I didn't know I needed. But of course I would welcome into my home. I always want positive vibes around me, you know, especially with my nuggetive attitude. Now, let me ask if he had just straight up not gotten you anything, how would you have reacted? Um, would you have felt kind of? I wouldn't. I just don't care about that. I don't. I mean, it's nice to get gifts, and I appreciate it, but I don't require it. I'm going to get myself whatever I need. You know, I'm an independent woman, and I've been doing it for so long that it's going to take me a while to be able to really like loosen up and get excited. That's the thing. I don't get excited about gifts, so I feel like it's fake. When I opened them, I have to go, oh my god, oh my god, I love this. Like that is the part that I desire the least. What would you say your love language is? What are the love languages? Again, there's acts of service, so it's like doing things around the house. There are words of affirmation, quality time is one, gift giving and physical touch. Physical touch, I would say quality time is my love languag Yeah, I would say probably acts of service. Yeah, I feel like that going both ways is a nice thing you can do and it helps the other person. It's always personal. Yeah, yeah, that's a good one too. I do that too. I like to show up for people, you know, especially when they're in need, make sure they know they're not alone, that kind of thing, and so few people do that. Yeah, right, exactly, it's not a two way street a lot of the time. Well, Heather, I would say, like, look into what your husband's love languages are. Let him know that gift giving might be really important to you. Also, if all else feels like recruited girlfriend to be like hey, here's what she wants. Get this thing so it still feels like a surprise to you, but or like one of your kids, right yeah, or just say write me a nice card and give me money. Then I'll just buy the damn thing. Yeah. Actually I say that all the time. I'm like, please, just write me a card. I love that that. I love to read a card. I love words and I love language. That always moves you when you can read something sweet about yourself. Make a list of my best qualities, put in a card with money, and then write a fucking poem. I'm rhyming them all. Okay, get on it all right, Well, Heatherlow's know how it goes. And if you get better gifts maybe next time. Yeah, we are going to take a quick break so you can hear and add and then we'll be right back. Well, we have a couple of colors with us today. Our next question comes from Ezra. He says, Dear Chelsea, I'm writing to you about a problem I'm having with this one friend who I think doesn't understand certain cues. She and I have been friends for about four years. It's a solid friendship, but I think there are things we can work on She's known my boyfriend for about three years and she gets along with him well. Him and I have been together for about seven years. She made a point to me that she considers him a friend separate to me, which I'm totally cool with. My problem is sometimes I'd ask her to hang out and she'd say she's busy at the moment, but later would text my boyfriend to hang out at a bar with her and her boyfriend so they can all hang out watch sports except for me. Now. I don't know if it's intentional, but it makes me and my boyfriend really uncomfortable. He'd come to me with the text and he wouldn't know what to do out of respect for me. I personally think it's weird and hurts my feelings a little bit because I always include her boyfriend when we're doing a group thing. I love that she loves my boyfriend, and I don't want to make it an awkward thing between us. She's very German and can sometimes be a bit bitchy, but I can too. What do you think I should do? Sincerely, Ezra? And he's here with his boyfriend Nathan. Oh hi guys, go, Oh my god, two bears. I love it than you are you guys on a standing. Oh my god, you guys are so cute. Look at this double the fun I love it. I love it. Yeah, I think that's weird. I mean, it's so funny that you say she's German because that I'm German. And I know exactly what you mean. I know exactly that kind of abrupt social cluelessness that comes with that. A lot of my family members have it or they're just like, it's a little harsh, but it doesn't make sense for her to be doing that. It is exclusionary, like especially if you have the foundational relationship with her, which you do, right, which one of which one of you has the relationship with her. She's my friend, okay, and she's been friends with you way before you were in this relationship. Okay. So yeah, that is weird and and and there's a nice way to say, and it should come from both of you. Hey makes us both uncomfortable. It's not you being paranoid or jealous. It's like we're both a little bit weirded out by that, because why would one of you want to go hang out with them as a couple without both of you, Like, what what is you're not a throuble. Yeah, it's really strange that she's doing that because we're totally fine hanging out with a group like all together, and she's been doing that like recently. Yeah, in the last like year, I would say, she's been reaching out to us, like reaching out to each of us individually, especially me, and kind of like, what did it do? Yeah, it just feels off. So and I don't know if like I should be the one to like say because she reaches out to me, or like he should bring it up. Like it's kind of like you say no every time to her. I say no because I'm like, I don't want to make it awkward. I think there's a little I mean, you could do that too. I mean somebody should say something to her. I like the idea of you guys going together as a united front so she doesn't get it twisted and moving forward that she understands you guys are a pair, you're a unit, you're a couple, and there's no more of that. And as a united front, it's like parenting, you know, an arrant child like then there's no question about what the next move is. I mean, do you feel comfortable sending in an email or just like having is it something that you would sit down and have a conversation with her about? Is like she kind of she didn't bring it up, and she is like anything, he's never available. She's like, it's it's weird. He keeps blowing her off. And I guess that was like my way into say, like, by the way, I think this is a little strange, but I just kind of frozen. I just kind of like, yeah, I think it's just it's just busy or maybe he feels weird about And then she didn't say anything and she kept doing it afterwards, So yeah, yeah, I think in person is probably the best way, just because then we can like see her and have the conversation and not getting miss misconstrued with texts and stuff. You know. Yeah, Bridget, what do you think? Well, Azra, I don't want to point any fingers, but maybe you're a little at fault for getting a boyfriend that she likes more than you. Is it like, did you think about that before entering this relationship. I feel like this woman socially is just very strange. She is, Yeah, what are either of you getting out of this? She's very direct and she's just say things sometimes and like some of her reactions. Sometimes I'm like, if I ever crossed her, there's gonna be like this, She's gonna do something really drastic. So I try not to like get on her back. So even though like I really do like her as a friend, have great conversations, and I love her honesty, but yeah, there's a part of I mean that I don't comfortable with everything with her yet Yeah, well, hey, she should not have that kind of power over you. She's a friend, you know what I mean, She's not your employer, and that your employer should even have that kind of power over you. So yeah, that's why it's even better to go at her with the United Front. Bridger, I'm sorry I interrupted you. I couldn't control myself. Well, it's a very odd situation. I mean, if you love conversations with her, she seems like a bad friend, but she could make a good like co host to a podcast. The three of you could host that conversations and then you know you're scheduling everything together. It's very formal, and she, you know, I feel like she's trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. And if you've got a podcast contract. There's more lea of issues that she's going to have to get around. I'm just setting up some I'm thinking about some outside the box options because this woman seems out of control yet I also wonder if you could just joke with her and be like, why do you keep doing that? That's so silly, and then start a group chat a group text chain. So it's like, come, ask us both if we want to hang out and Ezra, like you had mentioned on our call together, they like sports a little bit more than you do, but like it's still will be fun to be invited. So like just be like, girl, like, why don't you I'll come too, even if I'm not into sports. You know, yeah, but you know what I will say. I I know what you're saying, Catherine, But I find with people like who are direct and abrupt, they respect being. You know, when you're direct and abrupt with them, they don't expect it because they know that they've got power over you. They know she knows she's intimidating, she knows that she's a strong personality. So if you come back at her with the two of you in the United Front and you're actually very direct about it, there's no room for an misinterpretation. Yeah, yeah, it's like you have to bully a bully almost. Yeah, I didn't think about their approach, but no, I didn't go for it. Yeah, yeah, don't be worried about retaliation or getting on her bad side. That's not a friendship anyway if you feel that way. So this is gonna be a good exercise for you guys, for you as or two. If you feel that way about her, it's good to stand up to a bully in a way, you know. I mean, I know bully is a strong word for what she she's doing, but it is a little bit bullish. And news is if she blows up, she's losing two friends. And you've eat you're losing half a friend. So you have numbers on your side here. It's a good that's a good thing to tell her to you're half a friend. It was my way to deal with it. We're just to not because I haven't reached out her, right Also, I haven't seen her. Was just like I didn't go sir, I just don't. I haven't reached out because I just have been feeling weird towards her, and I know she's told you happy for a day a couple of days ago, and she's that she wanted to hang. Yeah, but I haven't heard from rest. She's kind of am I right now. So we're if she comes back, have a conversation with her together. I think that's a good Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sounds good. That sounds good. Let us know how that goes. Well, we'll thank you. Okay, you guys got sex okay, by Okay, Well, that woman sounds like what is that? What is that behavior? Yeah? So weird. You're not going to figure it out like they lived together. I know, I know. It seems a little bit twisty. Yeah, there's some psychosexuality happening there. It's it seems dangerous psychosexuality. That's a good term for this podcast. Psychosexuality. Define that for me Briger, what is psychosexuality? I feel like there's just some real basic instinct tie. You know, somebody's going to end up. There's some danger. Somebody is playing games, mind games games. Yes, I agree with that. She obviously knows what she's doing. Yes, And she's got two very attractive men that she can kind of toy with and she's using them as her pawns. Yeah, those two are very cute as many times as I can during this Yes, Well, our next call comes from m she's thirty three. Dear Chelsea, I have a huge crush on my personal trainer, and I don't know if I should do anything about it. I've been training with him for six months and my feelings haven't changed. I'm aware in his type of work he gets to know all his clients and that it's part of his job to help them feel good. But I almost feel like sometimes he's trying to see how I'll respond to some things, maybe find out if I'm liking him to or if it's all just fun and flirty and nothing more. I know this probably happens a lot with people in the fitness industry, but he doesn't seem like the type of trainer out here just to hook up with clients. On the other hand, he's the best personal trainer I've ever worked with. He teaches me a lot. We talked about nutrition. He really keeps me on track, and I'm finally seeing results. So part of me doesn't want to ruin a good thing by opening my fat mouth. I feel like a little girl with a schoolyard crush, and it's getting to the point where it's consuming my thoughts day today and becoming a major distraction. I need to know if I should let this go or tell him how I feel. M How long did she say that she's been having these feelings and how long have they been training? Six months? The whole time she's had a crush on him, right, yes, right, um, yeah, that's right. Hi a Joe KOI swat and I love it. I thought you'd appreciate that. H Hi, Hi, how are you? I'm great? How are you? Thank good having me Bridgers here today? He is our special guest and then Catherine is my co host, so say hello to them. Okay, so you've been training with him for six months and you felt this way since you started training with him. Yeah, that's right. I actually had a trainer at the same GYMP previously and she moved on to another role and I had the opportunity to pick my trainer, and I like, you know, I had taken classes with him and kind of knew like he had a cool personality and everything. And then once we started having like our one on one sessions, I was like, oh, okay, I think I think a little bit more about him. You know, are you from New Jersey or Philly, South Jersey. Yeah. Action, She said, you sound like my old roommate Colleen, who we had on the podcast. That's funny. Uh. Well, Roger, do you want to go first on this one and then I'll chime in. Well, let's just say first of all, finding a decent trainer at all is such a nightmare. So the fact that you found one that you like, you liked him from the day one. He must be good looking. Yeah, So have you had any conversations outside of anything that you know about his outside life outside of being of the lift weights or to cardio. Yeah. During your sessions sometimes will talk personally, just kind of get to know each other. But I feel like that's probably typical getting to know your clients. Sometimes they'll text outside of the gym, but it's always gym related, nutrition related things like that, So it's still kind of keeping it professional, right, And it would it be a huge loss if he went away as a trainer. That's the thing. I feel like, it's really hard to find a good trainer. So that's why I'm like I'm torn inside on like what I want to if I want to do anything here, because yeah, I think there's plenty of great trainers out there. Okay, Well, I'm gonna just my initial gut instinct is he's not your therapist. You know, this is a guy you're at the gym. I think that it's okay at least flirting with the idea of asking him to hang out. I think that's perfectly fair, and if it goes south, you'll move on to another trainer. Chelsea, what do you think of this situation? Okay, I'm going to just agree with you because I think a good trainer, especially now that you're seeing results and you're getting your act together, and that he's doubling as a nutritionist, I think all of those are such valuable components to have in your life because they will shift everything that's happening in your life. When you're healthier and you're stronger, Like there's a mental gradation that happens, and you're just kind of now starting to feel it. Six months isn't that long of a time if something is going to develop between you two. I mean, your feelings may pass, is what I'm saying. A lot of people have crushes on their trainers, and then after nine months, three more months could happen you'll be like, what was I thinking? You know, So, don't sacrifice a relationship that's working for what it is on the surface. It's working for what you hired him for, right, he's working in that sense. Don't sacrifice that for six months of like a feeling you have. You just have a crush on your trainer. That's not a big deal. You'll probably get over it. If you're not over it in a year, things will develop and progress. If it's a mutual thing. Naturally, if he's into you, you'll find out about that at some point as you become closer and as you guys spend more and more time together. But I would take the benefits of having a good trainer over the benefits of exposing your question maybe having to get a new one just when things are clicking on that level. Right, And to that point, I will say, you're only interacting with him in a professional way. For all we know outside of the professional atmosphere, he's horrible. He's giving you his very best self, so you're gonna have and he's probably he's probably in shape, he is obviously good looking. And then you go to his apartment it's a total ship hole, and uh, this guy is obnoxious and you have nothing in common. That's the risk you're taking here. Yeah, he might just be great at getting you in shape and like he's pleasant enough. Yeah, and also as time goes on, you know, Yeah, there's nothing wrong with saying, hey, do you want to join me in a group of friends or do you want to go to a concert or whatever you're interested in doing with him and get a read on it, you know. But you don't have to be like, I have feelings for you, you know what I mean. You can kind of get your answer without digging too deep. But focus on all the good things you're getting out of the relationship and beat content and happy with that because a lot of people work a long time to get a good trainer and to get healthy and to get stronger, and that's going to be a benefit you more than anything else that we're talking about right now. Yeah. Yeah, No, that's really good advice. And it's one of those things I've been thinking about. It's like, I don't necessarily want to go out of my way and say, hey, you know, I'm having these feelings or whatever. But at the same time, I'm like, this is a really good thing that we have going on, so maybe it's worth just letting it be that, and then if something comes of it in the future, great, If not, like you said, like I might in a couple of weeks or a few months be like, I can't believe how to crush on him and be over it. So I've done that with almost every trainer I've ever worked with. In fact, the trainer I use now as somebody I've never had a crush on, which is why I'm still with him. But I mean, I felt that's this way that you're talking about, which is why I'm giving you this advice, Like with a bunch of guys that I'm so glad I never did anything with. I once had a tennis coach and I texted him. We had gone for drinks and I texted him, this was years ago, and I was like, Hey, do you want to come over and let's get this party started? And he wrote back, no, I don't and this is a totally professional relationship and I can't believe you even set that text. And I was like mortified. So I never made that mistake again because that was more and more you know what I mean, Like that was just why why I just don't mess up a good thing, right, Yeah, And I know like younger version of me probably would have done something like that, you know, like sen a text never regretted it, But older like me now, I'm like, you know what, don't like, don't make the same mistakes you've made before and just write it out. See what happens. Maybe nothing happens. I don't know, but it's that thing where it's been in my mind and I'm thinking about it all the time, and I just needed somebody else's perspective on the whole thing. Well, good, I'm glad you called in. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank god, we're here for you to the So come say hi to our friend from South Jersey who's wearing a Joe Koi sweatshirt. Honey, look she got your your merch. She helped pay for that birthday present you got me. Hi. Look say hi hi Joe. Oh my god, this is crazy. You were phenomenal. By the way, this is Atlantic City a few weeks ago. She said, it was a c a few weeks ago, and you were phenomenal. Thank you. You don't have enough headphones for the both of us. We can't afford that yet. So I have to translate. But that's okay. Okay, bye, honey, okay bye. I used to be her trainer. He used to be my trainer, he said, shut up, there's a microphone. I'm so confused about how my thank it away from us. I'm sorry, you guys, he's such an interloper. Okay, well, good luck with that and keep training. Yeah yeah, let us know. But let us know if he ever makes a move on you, because that'll be a nice twist and turn and then you'll be so happy you waited. Yeah right, yeah, I would definitely keep you posted. Alright, thank you, all right, thank you. Bye. This is going to be called Dear Chelsea with Joe Coy interruptions. People are always charmed by those, so you know, well, we have two more quick questions. Our next email comes from Philip. He says, Hi, Chelsea, I really enjoy your podcast, and I love how straightforward and honest your advice is. I'm a forty year old single gay man, and I feel like I've been looking for a meaningful relationship for forever. I've used just about every gay dating site and hook up app from gay dot Com back in the day to Grinder, Scruff, and Adam. For Adam, it's relatively easy to find hookups online, but if you even hint that you want to go on a date, you're likely to get ghosted or get told that they're just looking for friends. The amount of guys and relationships who are on dating and hook up apps is also truly staggering. I'm pretty happy being single, and I'd rather stay single than being a bad relationship. But I often think about how nice it would be to have someone to come home to every day and experience life with. Using dating apps exhausts me, and I'm not much of a bar person. Do you have any advice for how I might be able to meet some eligible single guys that might actually be interested in more than just a one night stand, Philip, Well, if you're not interested in any of that, well, Bridger, I mean you're gay. You probably have a better handle on this situation than I do. Yeah, well, I mean, who can say for sure, but I do have some experience in this. I entered my relationships seven years ago through Tinder, and I think at least at the time, Tinder was at least for the gay community the dating option compared to Grinder. Grinder took care of hook ups and that sort of thing, and then you would get on Tinder to meet people who actually want to meet you and have conversations this kind of thing. I can't say, God knows what Tinder looks like at this point, but I'll say if you don't want to be on these, so you don't. I don't go to bars, I'm not going out to parties in this sort of thing. I know a lot of friends who have had a lot of success going to like joining an adult soccer league, like a gay soccer league, or what are you interested in? There? Can you get online and look up groups and there are frequently, especially in the queer arena, groups of people that share interests that will meet up and that's a nice easy way to do. I love that. I love that. And another thing you can also do is reach out to your other your network of people, other gay friends and other straight friends who and ask everybody in a very genuine, earnest way, like, hey, I'm having I haven't had the best luck with all these dating apps. It feels a little slightly insincere. I'd like a more personal kind of connection with somebody visa VU or somebody that I trust and ask people like, do you have anybody in that you think I could maybe connect with, even on a friendship level, you know, because some people aren't great at seeing who potentially would have chemistry together. But you know, you can ask your friends and the people close in your life if they have anyone they can think of at work, someone they know fairly well, someone they know really well, just to try and get out there in a different way and meet people in a different way, and if they'd be comfortable setting you up. And another thing, I know we just talked about all these apps, but like Instagram is a way that a lot of people are hooking up these days. D m NG somebody. It is kind of the new dating app also, like because you can see a whole person's vibe from their Instagram page and then you can get a conversation going. And it's not necessarily like being on tender, you know, it's more of a casual kind of and then if you click with somebody, it's a natural thing to say, Hey, let's go be for a drink or let's go for a hike or whatever your idea of a date is. Yeah, yeah, Instagram is nice in that way where it's not dating first, it's life first, and then you start liking someone's things or whatever you do on this thing, and then you can kind of casually get into it without the pressure of a feeling like it's going to be a relationship. You can kind of get to know each other. Yeah, I think that takes a lot of the pressure off because being on a dating site is like it's there is something embarrassing about both of you being like we're trying to find somebody, you know, like there isn't really, but it can feel slightly desperate or it can feel embarrassing because there's no chance of a friendship because you know, if you're damning somebody on Instagram, you could develop and cultivated friendship that doesn't lead to anything. And that's nice as well. And the same with any of your friends or family members who may have somebody that they think of that might be a good match for you. You know, that's a better way of networking if you're over the dating apps. And I will say, I mean speaking personally, I love match making. I love putting friends with other friends. Don't underestimate, especially if you're gay, there's definitely someone in your life who loves doing the same thing. Start reaching out and somebody might be just waiting to set you up with somebody. Yeah, that's a good point. There you go. There you haven't problem solved. I was waiting for that, waiting for it. Well, thanks Philip. Let us know how it goes. And our last question comes from Jessica. Jessica says, dear Chelsea, let's get straight to the point. I'm hilarious. I've been told that I need to do stand up. I know that I would absolutely thrive more than ever in the business. I just have a problem with over stimulation. Another problem I have with this career pursuit is the fact that I may have to relocate, which is expensive. What is your advice for getting started and handling all of the attention and pressure that comes with the fame? Cheers Jessica. Well, first of all, if you really feel passionately about something, you need to go after it, you know, so you just it's like a bowling ball. You just got to throw it down the lane and then everything gets out of the way that's supposed to So you have to be so intentional about doing it because it's something that doesn't always turn out exactly the way that you want, but absolutely can turn out the way that you want, and it's your attitude that is going to get you there. So the attention that comes from it, that's kind of part of the equation. So handling it should be something that you're very comfortable with moving into that. You know you are going to get attention negative and positive. That's guaranteed, and you have to be okay with that, and you have to be solid enough inside that that's not going to fluster you and it's not going to make you feel badly about yourself. You have to have a real strong sense of self moving into that, and that you should get started sooner than later, because your belief in yourself is great, and that's what you need to succeed. Is you need to believe in yourself because there's nobody's gonna believe in you unless you do anyway. But there are a lot of people trying to do the same thing. So that belief in yourself maybe the very thing that sets you apart from other people and that does cause you success. But you just have to move in that direction quickly and start it because it's a process and it can be arduous. Doesn't necessarily happen in a couple of years or five years. It could take ten years. Yeah, I will say if you're afraid of the overwhelming attention, if that's the part of stand up comedy that you're afraid of, that probably won't be a concern for five years. You're gonna have a lot of people. Maybe a lack of atten might be a bigger concern, right exactly. But yeah, yeah, I think it's funny because she in her email there's only one option and it is like maximum fame and fortune, which like I kind of love for her also like it's funny, but it's also like I love it for her because I do think you have to be like, well, obviously this is the outcome, Chelsea. We've talked about this with you before. We were like I just was going to have to be rich because I like to go to find things in life. So you know, I think that's great. Yeah, exactly. It's funny that you say stimulate, like the stimulation. It's like the stimulation is part of the job. You want to be stimulated, and you want to be stimulating to other people. That's part of being a performer, you know, engaging and stimulation, So you gotta get on board with it, Like, if I do this, I'm going to be famous. So like, what are the what are the real consequences here, Jessica, let us know how it goes, and good luck, good luck and godspeed. Yes, well, we'll take a quick break and be right back with Bridger and Chelsea. And we're back with Bridger Wineger. So this is the part of the show where we usually have our guest ask for a piece of advice from Chelsea. Chelsea, I would love to be better at making decisions. I feel like you're a probably pretty decisive person, and I am truly awful at even the smartly, Like deciding on what I'm going to have for dinner can take hours? How do you get to a decision quickly? Honestly, I just don't think there are a lot of bad decisions. I think that you when you make it, especially when you're talking about what you're going to have for dinner, Like I think that you just have to you when you make a decision, you just have to forget about the other decisions and stick with that, you know what I mean. It's again like referencing the bowling ball. Whenever I've had trouble, I've been indecisive, which isn't an ongoing theme with me. I'm very decisive. I can always say yes, no, I want to do that, I don't want to do that. But if I am having trouble bill with something, I usually just say, okay, you just have to pick one and then stick with that and then go in that direction. Like if you're choosing, okay, am I gonna have sea bass tonight or chicken whatever, just pick what that's the least of your worries. Have one, and then enjoy it and forget about the rest. When you're talking about bigger decisions that are a little bit more nuanced, I think it's very beneficial if you are indecisive to practice just sitting with yourself quietly for a moment and just closing your eyes and thinking about your options, because more often than not, your instinct will rise up and inform you what you're supposed to be doing. Once you've made the decision, being the confidence to go forward with it, that's my concern. I feel like I'm all I continue to second guess until even after the result. I don't know how to get rid of that. Well, I mean that's self talk, you know, that's self. That's your dialogue, that's in your head, and that's your ego saying did you make the right decision? Did you make the So you have to give yourself a little bit more self love and be like, these are the decisions I'm making. Like you know, it's a practice. It doesn't happen overnight. But you have to have confidence in your decision making ability. Look where you're sitting right now, Look at your life, Look at the decisions that you've made that lead to where you are. You're obviously capable at making good ones. So have a little bit more trust in yourself. That's lovely. Problem solved again. Well, I'm glad I came. I'm me too, Me too. This was fun, Bridger. I had such a good time with you. Oh, I had a wonderful time. I'm so glad you had me. Thank you, thank you. Well, take it easy, Bridger, Catherine, I will see you next week. Bridger, I'll see you at whatever house party we run into each other at. Don't bring a gift, I won't. Don't worry. So if you'd like to ask Chelsea a question, email us at Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com.

Dear Chelsea

On this weekly advice show, comedian & author Chelsea Handler answers listener questions with the hi 
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