Dear ChelseaIf You're Not Nervous, You Don't Care with Topher Grace
Topher Grace is here to chat with Chelsea about career transitions and finally becoming an action star, why no one can tell him apart from Mark Wahlberg, and how he’s acing the whole ‘dad’ thing. Then: World-traveling boomers have their daughter avoiding her phone. A mom stresses that she’ll die suddenly and leave her kids alone. And silly sexual encounters put one marriage in an awkward position.
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com
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Pre-Order Chelsea’s new book “I’ll Have What She’s Having” today!
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert
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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.
Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea.
What are we doing on YouTube now, Catherine? Airing are full episodes or yeps?
We have full episodes available on YouTube as well as some older episodes that we're putting out now. So check for the weekly episode. They go up on Thursdays, just like the podcast, and you know we throw in an extra old episode for funzies.
Great well, great, okay, yes.
People ask all the time where they can watch the podcast, so now you can watch it and it's the full episodes, right Catherine.
Yes, yeah, oh great, this is awesome.
Yeah, you're gonna love it.
Chelsea.
I know you're here prepping for the Critics' Choice Awards and you've got.
Your new book coming out if people want to pre order it.
I have a book coming out. I'll have what she's having ready for pre order. Comes out of my fiftieth birthday, everybody, February twenty fifth.
Well Tofer Grace is here to talk about his new movie, Flight Risk. So let's just get into it, shall we.
To for It's so nice to see you. Congratulations on your new movie.
First of all, I want to congratulate you on making such a transition for but you have so many hats that you can play comedian.
Now you're an action star.
Well you started out as a comedy actor, but you've done a lot more serious stuff since then, So I wanted to congratulate you on that full spectrum of work.
Thank you.
I don't think anyone thinks I'm an action star, Chelsea. But it was interesting when I got the call for this because I thought, oh my god, I'm actually gonna be in one of these.
And then I remember.
Thinking, I'm gonna listen to like the Mission Impossible theme song on the way to work, and I'm gonna like I tried going to the gym a little bit more, and then like day one, I was like, oh, I'm not cut out for this, Like, but it's lucky because my character is kind of a whim.
Yes, first of all, a lot of interesting people are in the movie with you. The movie is directed by Mel Gibson. Is that who made who called you to offer you the role Mel Gibson?
Yeah, I mean, and he knows from action movies and also, you know, kind of comedic action movies, so I think he There are a lot of directors who have worked with no matter what the genre, who are a little bit scared to You've probably had experiences like this, Chelsea where it's like you want to add some humor and they're like, ooh, that's not the tone, and you go, I've seen action movies and horror movies you know, that have great humor in it, but it really takes a master to know how to put something that's totally different than what would be in the trailer like in the film.
And then basically my agents.
Called and said, like, Mark Welberg is doing an action movie and there are only two other people in it, and you're gonna be one of them. And I went like, finally, you know, like he must be dying to do that, you know, like we've been talking for a long time.
Me and Mark, I'm sure, yeah, and we finally did.
This is the one, you know what I mean.
And similar physicalities as well as.
That is our issue was are people going to be able to tell who's who.
Who is stronger?
You know what I mean? Like is it like are these guys twins? Or like what's up?
So we finally yeah, No, it was it was a like a real journey for me.
I'm sure it was like just another day at the office for Mark.
It's nice to be on a set, I think, with a small group of people rather than having a massive set, because this takes place on most of the movie takes place on a smaller aircraft with a lot of mafiosa input.
Well, what's like genius about the idea it was like a Blacklist script. I remember I read it actually before it was put together. Is that it's like life raft or lifeboat, you know that Hitchcock movie where everyone's you know, it all takes place in one place, but the vistas are amazing, So you're like trapped in this little thing.
But instead of being like in a phone.
Booth or like a coffin or something, you're actually up above the Alaskan wilderness and there's incredible shots. And I knew even before we did it, like, oh, this could be both like very intimate and very like cinematic.
Did you get banged up during that shoot?
Shooting in a small like tiny space of an area, I would imagine that you dus was awful.
It was awful, right right.
I got hurt, like just like getting in the first day because I realized you can't even stand up in that thing, which is crazy.
And then your three stories up on the plane itself is on a gimbal that.
Kind of rock and then please don't use that kind of language tofur What do you mean, kim You know what I mean, Kimball.
No, It's like.
It's like a sex swing, but for a plane. So you've backs, well, they let's it rock back and forth and do it, and then like not only that, it's surrounded by this thing called the volume, which is you know, it was created for the Mandalorian, which is like a almost one hundred and eighty degree screen that the camera sees is being real. And they've shot footage already of this plane's journey over Alaska. So it's like and they shot it. You know, you'd think if you're going over Alaska, you'd shoot like four cameras northeast, south and west. It's like they did eight cameras turn on their side, if that makes sense, so it had more information so you could actually the plane could fully dive, it could fully like rise up towards the sun. And like I remember day one, I was like, oh, I'm totally plainsick. This is awful, and this is the first day of like three months. I mean, it fully feels like you're in a plane because the plane's bumping along, and then you're watching the mountains go past you. And the good thing about that is it was very little acting required. You just kind of you know, yeah, you just feel like it's happening.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How do you feel like about when you think about your career and all the kind of different moves that you've made since the very beginning. I know that you got that seventy show like on your first audition, right, Yeah, it was just.
It happened in my first audition because they saw me in a high school play and told me to come audish.
The short version of the.
Story is I was in a high school play that was bad, but I it was so bad that we improvised a lot.
And I think this girl who did the sets, her parents.
Were these big TV producers and they said, when you go to USC next year, can we call you? And I was such a dick about it. I was like, I don't know what they even meant. So I was like, yeah, let's go to Spago, like, have your people call my people.
And then they did actually.
Call me, and and I guess they've been through every kid in Hollywood and everyone was too cool, and they wanted a real fucking nerd, like a real like right like fresh off the tree nerd. And that was my reality at that time. And then also I remember I knew nothing about Hollywood. They said, I mean the great story from that is she said, bring a head shot and a resume. And I was like, Okay, I know what a resume is because I worked at Dunkin Donuts and at sun Coast Video, But what is a headshot? And she was like, it's like a picture that goes with your resume, that so we know who you are.
And I was like, got it.
And when I came to the audition, it was like I bought a picture of me with my friends at six Flags, like.
Of you working at dunkin Donuts. I was like, well, that sounds like it would be that would.
Track my friends.
It wasn't like the one on the roller coaster where you're like, you know whatever, but it was like us in the parking lot and they were like, what who is this kid?
But they were really ballsy. They catch all those kids, you know.
I Ashton had never worked before and Laura had I had never worked. We all started work on the same day. It was crazy Wilmore didn't even speak.
English really really, Oh that's so fun, I mean, and it's so fun to like go through that experience all of you together, you know, to kind of come up and learn all of that together, like in a class, because that's essentially what it ended up being, was kind of like an acting class for a lot of you.
Yes, And what's great about sitcom is you when you're bad, which you know I was at the beginning, you get to come back the next week and do it again. And then to your point about doing things that are in different genres, you then you have the summer off and so the first thing I did was Traffic if you remember that movie, which is like totally totally the opposite. And then you get to still come back and do the show, so you have a real home base and you kind of it's like a trade school now that I think about it, you know, I know, it.
Kind of sounds like one.
So when you think back and look at like all of the different things you've done, like did you even want to be an actor when you were that age or did you just kind of fall into it?
You know, someone just asking that question recently on this press stour, and I was like, they said, when did you start like enjoying it? And I was like, oh, it certainly not at the beginning, because I was so I mean, look, I liked acting in high school.
That's why I did it.
And I was tickled that I was going to be doing it in front of like millions of people.
But I was also like terrified, that's bad.
You know, you go the scene I just did, eleven million people are gonna watch that, like, and I've only been in a high school play.
It was crazy.
And then I certainly did't think, which is the truth, it would still be running today.
I mean, it's like it was so much pressure.
Somewhere around the second season, I like chilled out a little bit and started to kind of just enjoy myself and not be so nervous. And but I'm still you know, when I'm whenever I finally think I'm good, then I'll like really relax.
Yeah.
Do you still get nervous when you go on sets and it's like the first couple of days are you?
Is that always a thing?
Yeah? Don't you? I mean I think day one is always tough. I think for everybody.
Yeah, I would say I would say so. I mean, if you did it, there might be something wrong with you.
Like you have to care.
You have to care right and in order being nervous or being like you know, excited.
So you're right, it's about caring.
It's about carrying a lot and you want it to be great and you're not in your groove with the other it's really because it's a new group of people. Like when I went back to do the just the first episode of that nineties show and Laura Prepon, her friend was on it, and I wasn't nervous at all with her because she's like my homie.
I've been working with her forever.
You know.
Right, there's like two things happening.
A you're like trying to make friends with people like the first day of school, right, and then B you're trying to be professional. You have to find allies that like people who are going to back you up. Like whenever I'm in a new environment, I'm like, Okay, who are my people? Who are the people that I'm going to be hanging out with?
And then I can't.
I can't imagine you nervous.
It's like everyone who's listening right now, can I would play the guy who is nervous on the first day.
The idea of you being nervous, when are you nervous?
Well, I mean we're all nervous.
I don't no, Chelsea, I'm talking about you like you are such a boller.
I have definitely been nervous. I have definitely been nervous.
When were you the most nervous in your in your professional career?
Uh, I don't know, the most nervous. I mean I started to look at nerves as a good thing. And then when I started to understand that nerves mean that you care, then I welcome the nerves, and then all of a sudden I never got nervous again.
So it's a very strange like cycle.
Like once you kind of acknowledge a negative feeling that you think or that you have labeled negative, I think then that can end up being a really good tool for you to understand it.
Right.
So, but I have been nervous plenty of times where I was, like, you know, sweating before I had to walk out stage in front of thousands of.
People, or had diarrhea, you know, because of my nerves.
Also a good luck I always think that's good luck too, when they when you start doing stand up. Everyone's like, if you have to go to the bathroom before you go on stage, that's a good sign. I'm like, what what do you mean, go to the bathroom like number one or like no, number two. I'm like, oh my god, this is the career that I've chosen. That's a good luck sign.
What I feel the same way with acting. I know a take was great when I shit myself.
You know, you know you're invested.
I go cut and prints. You know that I and I have to take it one.
Yeah, well you're not alone. Ten one Yeah.
Ten one is code everybody for going to the bathroom on a professional Hollywood set or an unprofessional one. Really, they have ten one and ten two. Ten two means you're going to do ten one.
No, it's not. I just make that.
I mean I didn't know that, but I'm gonna start using that.
So back to the question that I keep trying to ask you that I never really get an answer to, or I'm not asking properly, is you know I talked to so many people, and so many people are really happy with the career choices that they've made, and so many people are happily surprised by their career choices and where they end up and some people. I was talking to Brookshields recently on an episode and she said something really powerful and really honest, and I haven't heard a lot of people say that. So it's a question that I'm going to start asking more people. Is when you think about the what ifs, the things that you didn't do that maybe you wished you had, or the regrets that you have, Like, do you ever see yourself in a different way like you would you see yourself having a different kind of career or are you so thrilled and grateful about the career that you do have, as unexpected as it may have been.
Well, yeah, in a macro sense, I'm so glad I fell into acting because it's the coolest job ever.
And I understand how, you know, I have a lot of friends.
I went to boarding school, so I have a lot of very close friends from my high school experience and their jobs don't sound as much fun to me when we talk about but within Hollywood, yeah, I can see how people are bummed sometimes with the lane that they've been or they feel like they're in or they've been put in, or they can't get Yeah, yeah, and I remember thinking I had a real luxury, not just in like hitting the lottery and like getting the first thing I auditioned for it, but then also the show was you know, did so well, and it afforded me so many opportunities. I remember thinking towards the end a lot about what kind of career I wanted to have, And this is for me, exactly what I wanted to whatever chips I got from doing seventies, like, this is how I wanted to spend them. And you know, some people, especially some agents, might think like I made the wrong choice, because like the smartest thing to do, I think, if you want to make money in this career is kind of do the same thing over and over again because it becomes monetizable. But for me, what I wanted so badly once I got so especially because you wind up playing the same character for seven years straight. And there is something kind of great about that, but also something a little redundant about it is I wanted to be in big blockbusters and tiny, you know, shoestring independent budget films, and I wanted to play good guys, and I really wanted to play bad guys and be in comedies and being dramas. I want to have a passport to everywhere because I wanted to still be interested. Literally the age I am now like still really hungry and interested. I don't know if you've noticed, but I feel like a lot of people kind of around my age like start to like peel off and like not act as much or not enjoy it as much when they're doing it, or it feels like a factory to them or something. And I no one loves their career more than I do.
I'm just so grateful.
I love to hear that.
Well, you know, this movie's the great examples.
I think when they tested, no one knew until halfway through if I was a good guy or a bad guy, and that made me so happy that no one just assumed I was. That's literally why I was cast, because no one knew who I was going to be, and that made me thrill.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, you played the ultimate bad guy in Black Clansmen, and so you played David Duke, so that was very surprising to a lot of people because nobody expected that from you. And I think what you're saying is really true about like this movie, which is called Flight Risk.
By the way, I don't think we've been mentioned the name of the movie.
I think you allow yourself a lot more opportunities when you're creatively conscious about the decisions you're making. And I think what you said about being on that seventies show for seven years, you know, seven years is a true itch Moment's why it's called the seven Years. I did Chelsea Lately for seven years, and I had to itch my way out. I was like, I can't take this again for another year. And seven years is like the amount of time I think Trevor Noah did the Daily Show. I think seven years is a very seminal kind of framework of time where you are kind of like, okay, I've got this.
I actually did the math.
I think if you this is a while ago, so I'm a little fuzzy on it, but I think that is ten thousand hours.
Oh really, really seven years is ten thousand hours?
Yeah, of like a workday of like.
Oh, if you do work days and you do it, I was like really trying to do with a friend of mine.
I was like, oh, I think that's why that itch happens.
It's not just like you're also I think there's some back, like after seven years all your cells except for a couple, like stem cells have regenerated and you're literally an entirely different human. But I also think maybe you've kind of mastered something and it's like you rite more of it.
But it's like, to.
Me, the thing that keeps like, I'm more interested in acting now and like techniques and trying things than I was when I started. And I think the only reason that's true is because the next project I did after this.
It's this Glenn Powell movie. But I'm like, I'm insane in it.
You play his lover, you play Glenn Powell's lovers.
He wishes, he wishes no, i mean, you know, words out on him.
But he's really great.
But then the next thing, I'm a total good guy and I'm totally earnest. It's just it's just different muscles each time, and I just I'm still in love with it.
Yeah, and you're normal, You're not eccentric.
You're not like a weirdo or somebody who takes themselves really seriously.
I mean I mean that as a compliment.
It makes you much more attractive when you know actors who take themselves very seriously.
It's a little bit of a.
Hard pill to swallow for someone, you know, for someone like me. I shouldn't speak for all women, but I find it.
I think the Academy feels differently about that, but I agree, right exactly.
And you've managed to have a normal, healthy marriage and children. How many children do you have?
Two?
Or three?
Three?
Three? What are their ages?
We got a two year old, we got a four year old, and we got a seven year old. And it's a it's a lot.
Yeah, that is a lot at those ages. Good for you and good for your wife. I'm sure that she.
Is doing most of it. Yes, you're right, I'm sure.
That she's doing all of it. It is it's so crazy to think about people who have children to raise, you know, especially as a single woman. Like when I think when I hear about people having three children, I'm just like, how is that fucking possible? And I talk about this all the time because I cannot wrap my head around how you can take care of so many people's lives every day.
Well, I'm sure we're screwing it all up every day.
But you know, she truly, I know this is the part where everyone gets corny talking about their partner.
But like my wife's amazing.
And once or twice I've had dreams where she's like died or something, and the nightmare is not just that she died, but like my kids would be like and.
Who are you?
Like, like you terrible? Like your wife's you know, like a mom was great, Like you're just awful. So we just got to she got to hang in there for another couple of years.
Yeah, just a couple.
But your wife actually, like is so cool.
When we were researching this episode, She's a social justice warrior. She's outspoken, and I mean like she's a very cool woman.
She is a professor of child development and a child abuse neglect and and she yes, she is very involved politically, and she's like I hesitate to talk about her so much on these because I feel like I start getting into like my wedding vows and then like I'm like, how much is too much? But I'm really amazed by her all the time, and like you know that thing where you don't want to be the smartest person in the room, you know, you go, this is probably bad because I'm like the smartest person here.
I never have that problem.
Do you feel like you're delivering?
I mean, I'm sure you're going to make a joke about not delivering as a father or a husband, But how do you judge yourself in a totally serious way about your parenting and your husband?
I wanted to husbandry, but that's not accurate about your husbanding your husbanding.
Yes, well, of course you'd have to ask my kids or my wife. But I would say perfect husband in every way and perfect dad.
Yeah I didn't.
Wow, that's ten out of ten.
Look, yeah, I can't believe. I thought about it and I went yeaheah.
No, It's like I now realize, like all the cliches are true, but the act of being a dad and a husband, you know, being in a family and all the craziness, is like you're going to fail. It's almost like you're talking about being nervous the first day of work. It's like you care so much about something that you're going to mess up and you just have to keep going, even if you're not the best at it, because I don't think anyone's like the best.
No, I mean, how could you be. I mean it's like you're not.
You don't know what you're doing unless you have like fifteen children, and by that point you can't be killing it anyway, because that's really fucking exhausted and old.
That's right.
If you have fifteen kids and you send your kids to boarding school at five and then like by the fifth kid, you'd be like, Okay, I got this.
But it's just you're learning and trying.
And you know, my folks were amazing and they're still together.
They live out here, and I'm like, wow, that's cool.
Yeah, we just went to their fiftieth wedding anniversary and I like, I can't complain.
They were unbelievable.
But even places where they might feel like they weren't great, you go as long as you care a lot and you're trying your hardest.
Yeah, you know, I think you can see that.
Yeah, that's true. Okay, I not. Now, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back with Choe for Grace. And we're back with Choe for Grace.
We are back.
We have some good questions for you today. I think I think this is gonna be a fun time.
We'll start with a caller. Actually, we got to get her. She's stepped out of class, so she's gonna be here with us.
Is it a step class?
Okay?
So this is Anna. She's thirty two.
Dear Chelsea, please help me be sexy again. My husband and I have been married for five years and together for nine. We've always had great raw sex. In fact, the first time we ever hooked up, I was supposed to be a one night stand.
But here we are all these years.
Later, because you were so good in bed, look at you now and.
So smart continuing education.
Currently, we have a healthy sex life around once or twice a week. I also give a courtesy thanks for paying the rent blow job at least once every month, since I don't contribute.
Here's the issue.
There's no issue already.
Here's the issue. I've become so casual with my partner during sex. I sometimes get sidetracked while mid Deed and I say dumb jokes, talk about things in our day, or when I try to be sexy, I straight up cannot take myself seriously and end up laughing hysterically.
My husband knows I'm goofy and weird.
However, he has mentioned to me multiple times after sex that although he thinks I'm adorable and awkward, that he wishes I would be a little sexier sometimes. For this, I can't blame him. I find that if I'm buzzed, I'm able to get out of my head and be more present. If I'm sober, I get super awkward and cannot shut the hell up. Do you have any helpful advice for me to be a little more sexy and a little less awkward. I'm annoying myself with all the terrible jokes and things I say in bed. Will take any help I can get.
Anna, Hi, Anna, Hi, how are you hi?
We have sex therapist jo for Grace here today to help you with all of your problems.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much.
I hope you can fix everything.
I don't know if I need a gig or something.
I mean, I think you just need I just think you've probably been with the same person for a long time and you're kind of like really comfortable with him, and you probably just need to kind of take a couple steps back and actually get to know your body, and not in that corny, gross way, actually like get to know your body.
You've changed.
We were just talking about how you change every seven years, and that's true. You get a seven year itch, your body changes your all yourselves pretty much die after seven years and you have a regrowth, so like that warrants a regrowth in all areas of your life. And if you're feeling kind of like nervous or silly around the person that loves you the most or then and that you love the most and that you do want to have sex with, that just sounds like you're kind of in a little bit of a rut and that you can easily get yourself out of with some like positive self talk, some a little bit more like, you know, sexiness that's natural and not forced, because that is awkward.
Who wants to be like forced into sexiness?
Like I think the sexiest thing is when two people can be just completely natural together and no one has to act sexy at all.
You just kind of happens, you know what I mean?
You have natural chemistry that just kind of sounds like it needs to be reignited.
How long have you guys been together?
Almost ten years? Actually?
Okay, well there you go. That's exactly right. This has probably been going on for exactly three years.
Yeah, And I typically like we have a lot of mourning sex because I at nighttime, I am a lossul like I'm tired, I do not feel like moving, so I'm very much a morning person sex person, and I think that a lot of the times too, Like I'm going through a checklist of like what I'm doing in the day, and I like, yeah, like I'm in my thirties now, I just don't feel like my young self like when we first met, like we had a lot of yeah, like spontaneous sex like you're saying, so now it's like scheduled sex, and it's like, okay, Like my husband works twenty four hour shifts, so we like have really off schedules. So I'm like, Okay, I'm going to see you in this window, so like let's try to do it then. And I think that as an adult, it just doesn't get very it's not really fun anymore, Like it's I don't know, Yeah, we don't have a lot of yeah, spontaneity anymore.
I think I don't.
I don't wantn't worry so much about the spontaneity as I would worry about being present. Like you just need to work on being present while you're having sex with your husband and that will yield its own like benefits. Yeah, that's you know, you're in your head, you're thinking about your day and there's nothing wrong with that.
That's what lots of people are doing during sex.
But you just have to like refocus your energy, like take some time every day to either write down, like you know, stuff in a journal, either meditate something that's just gonna force you to be pressed for five to ten minutes each day and then habituate that and like that becomes your habit and that way you can kind of connect more during sex, you.
Know what I mean. Like, this isn't a huge terrible issue.
It's just like a little bump in the road, and once you get past it, you're gonna be like, oh, wow, this is cool.
Like what else can I tackle?
Yeah?
No, definitely agree.
Yeah, I don't know if this will help. You know, I've been married. I've been with my wife almost the same amount of time. But and this is just coming from an actor, right, So don't take this from a sexual icon.
This is yah from an actor.
But I one time I was on the set of a film, okay, and I had to start yelling in the middle of this scene. And I'm not really a yeller in real life. I just don't like yelling at people, and it felt a little stupid to just start screaming, and I was like, I don't want to just like start yelling. And the guy was like, just just yell at that part. And I was like, but I you know, why would I start yelling? And he told me this great quote which he said, this is the director, but he said, as an actor, I'm a Catholic.
What does that mean?
He said, I just believe one hundred percent no matter what. And what he meant was start yelling first, and then you'll be yelling, and then you'll you'll be yelling and you'll start it'll start to feel real, and it's right, He's right. I just started yelling. It felt like really stupid and fake. And then the next take I was like it just it just felt more, you know, like I was more into it. So I don't know if that helps, but it's.
Like till I make it, Yeah, you.
Take it a little bit, you know, to get into the role sometimes, and I guess some of it, I mean, it shouldn't all be acting.
But some of it is a little bit of a you're playing a role, you know.
No, I agree, Okay.
I read a while back that like some people are when they're in like a sexual mode, they go into sort of this non verbal part of their brain. And some people like don't like talking, they don't want to be talk to. Some people want to talk a lot, and I think, you know, you got to have fun sometimes. But some thing that this article said to try was like try daring yourself to like not talk the whole time, or like not talk once you get into like the steamy part and like just focus on the sensations in your body. And it's like kind of revolutionary, Like you don't have to do that every time, but if you're like I'm gonna be sexy today, you know, maybe that's something to try.
And try maybe singing singing the whole time.
I mean, no talking thought, But I think that's a good.
That's a good, like just don't say anything, you know what I mean, really just try to just zip it and see what comes out of that. That might be a much more enjoyable experience for yourself.
As well, I think.
So.
I think that's a lot of it is that I just can't shut up.
So and I think women also want men to know, Okay, yes we like this, you're doing a good job.
You know.
It's kind of like ego stroking that that the whole kind of talking in bed a lot is to kind of keep them going and like let them know. But it's also nice to not do any of that, Like you don't have to do that. You don't have to perform for him. You're already having like sex together, so you don't have to like put on a show. So yeah, I would try to be silent for a few times and see how that makes you feel afterward.
I like that ideao a lot because I do think it is performative and like, as a female, you're right, like you just really want to validate your partner, and that's part of trying to get them come along like that they're that you're making sure they're enjoying it. But yeah, especially with someone that I've been with for so long, like he knows that I'm with him, Like there's nothing more I can really do at this point.
So I think I think being quiet is a good thing, actually.
Quiet and mindful, like really like focus why and present.
Let's those two things first.
Okay, I like that.
Yeah, I remember.
What's having sex with a guy? And I looked up what was I doing to him? Maybe I was going down on him, but that doesn't really sound like me. Anyway, I looked up and he was taking a sip of a beer and I remember going, well, excuse me, what are you doing?
And he's like, oh my god, I can't believe you caught that.
Oh yeah, I was going down on him because obviously, and he and I'm like, I was just about to give you the greatest blow job.
He's like, I know, that's why I took a sip of the beer. This was gonna be so exciting.
I'm like, yeah, but you ruined it. Can't just be fucking drinking beer while I'm blowing you. Anyway, that was the last time I gave a blowjob. But it sounds like you're pretty consistent.
With those two.
Yeah.
I think that's why he married me.
So okay, doing a great job on uh yeah.
Yeah, Well thanks for calling in on a good luck with everything, and.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Okay, thank you so much, report back, Okay, we'll do bye.
I Well, that was uplifting, guys.
Yeah.
I like when people have I like when people.
Have minor problems, you know what I mean that are easily fixable, so fensible, yeah, easily tended to Yes.
Okay, Well, our next question. This is just an email. Dear Chelsea. I'm a divorced mom to an eight year old boy and a four year old girl. The kid's dad is still in the picture and has them every other weekend, but I'm the price.
I'm very parent and breadwinter.
I'm also an older mom, and I had my youngest at forty one, so I'm forty five now. I love being a mom, and my divorce is the best thing my ex and I ever did for our kids. My biggest problem is major anxiety about dying and leaving my kids, especially when they're still so young. At least a few times a year, I find something physical to freak out about and go down the path of seeing doctors and getting tested for all sorts of things. So far, I've been cleared, but I'm recently having some pain and I comment by an X raytech has me reeling that I might have bone cancer and I'll be dead while they still need me. Again, I don't have a diagnosis, and that one is extremely rare. Hearing stories about others losing their moms makes my fear even greater. It seems like such an intense trauma that follows people throughout their lives. Ideally, I'd love someone to tell me I'm not going to die until they're much older. But really what I want to know is that they will be okay if I do. I have general anxiety and I'm being treated by a doctor and see a therapist, so I'm not in danger, but these thoughts are all consuming anytime something comes up with my health.
Thanks be God.
Wow, I'm kind of regretting bringing up that whole thing about my wife.
Well your wife, well, actually, yeah, yeah, exactly the right question there.
I meant it a little more lighthearted, So sorry, what's the what's the.
B as the as the person?
I think you actually just have to make a decision in life whether or you are going to live in fear or you are going to be present. And when you're living in fear, and then any single thing can trigger you, and it's not the easiest place to arrive at, per se if you are a fearful person, to become unfearful and to start to trust the universe, to trust your health, to trust the world that everything's going to work out in your favor, because that's kind of an empty thought too. But not once you get on that train. Once you get on that train, you're like, Okay, what if I do have this, what are the steps that I will have to take with this? Like, you're not even there yet. You're starting to think about things before they happen, which I think can actually bring negativity into your life. Rather than pushing it out of your life and keeping it out of your life, you want to bring in positivity. So you have to get up every morning and start like giving some affirmations like to yourself that you're healthy, that you're a great mother, that you're taking care of your children, that you're safe, that your family is safe, and keep reinforcing that kind of stuff every morning into your psyche so that you can go throughout your day living in the moment that you're in without being paranoid about.
What or might could or could not happen.
Because we could all choose to do that, But what are you going to get out of that in your life?
You're not going to have the life that you need.
And I know it's not something that you can just light, that you can turn an on and off, but there is work that you can do with positive affirmations, with reading about books like letting Go or let Them with Mel Robbins reading things that are going to make you understand that it is more powerful to be positive and that you attract more positive energy when you're in that headspace rather than living in a fearful head space. Because Okay, so you pass away, that's the worst possible case scenario. Your your kids are going to survive and they're going to be raised and they're going to live.
So then what so you play that all out.
They'll be devastated, they'll be sad that their mom is gone, and they'll grow up and then they'll have their families of their own. So it does there's no payoff to you being so fearful. There's no great payoff. It's only taking away from your life. So I would really just start talking to yourself in a different way.
And Tifer, is this like a fear that every parent has? Like I feel like that's something that I hear and I wonder if.
That's Yeah, my wife, I think she would if she was here, agree with me that since she's had kids. You know, it's like she makes me check the locks on the doors more at night, and she makes me go in and check on the kids. You know, some of it's like I think she would say even not rational, but it's like I would tell be maybe that's a really great sign that she's a great mom because she cares so much about her kids and about their experience.
And my agree with everything you just said, Chelsea.
It's kind of maybe she should sit in a place of a little more gratitude. You know, it's almost like going against gratitude to worry about it too, where it's taking away from your relationship with your kids. But I do think it's a natural instinct to once you have kids, be like irrationally caring about what their experience is going to be.
So it's ultimately, I think a good thing.
Yeah.
And to go back to what Chelsea was saying, it's like what you focus on expands. So if you can take these thoughts that are going to come up, like oh my gosh, what if I get sick? Oh my gosh, what if I die, and you tell yourself, like, you know what, I'm going to focus on the positive version of that, like what if I stay healthy? What if I'm ninety five and I have great grand kids when I die? Then giving yourself some affirmations of like I'm living healthily I'm going to do great, like flip the switch, because our brains are plastic, and if you start doing that, it'll start to become automatic.
Yeah, for every negative thought, there's an opposing opposite thought that you can implant into your head and say, Okay, I'm worried about dying. I'm actually going to live until I'm ninety five. Just like Captain said, like match the opposite thought to every negative thought you have and start repeating those thoughts in your head, and I guarantee you you'll feel a difference right away, probably in days.
But it's a practice you have to keep doing.
And I think what happens to many of us is when we start to improve our lives with spiritually or we want to be more connected and more present and with everything we do, when things are going well, we forget to practice all the stuff that made us.
You know, kind of wake up in the first place.
So the important thing is when things are going well, to continue to give yourself these affirmations every morning, to continue to do meditation or counseling or whatever work is going to bring you towards being the best version of yourself, and doing that work even when things are going really well.
Well, our next question, and this actually is from Laura.
Laura prepond perfect. We both are. We're just talking about her.
Damn different Laura, But she says, Dear Chelsea, my mom and dad are retired and they've gotten into the luxury travel game. Over the past couple of years, they've taken some super long lux trips, including a whole month in Africa that included multiple safaris.
Sounds like somebody's jealous.
My dad texts me starting when they leave for the airport and sends constant photos and daily recaps, exhaustive ones of their excursions. He copies and pastes these messages to his brothers, friends and others. It is, to put it mildly, a bit much. These texts never ask how I'm doing, if I'm okay, or what my family's up to.
I literally never respond.
The last time they were away, he said he was waiting for the rental car to go home, and then he never bothered to tell me they got back safely, and I was worried. Is there a way to tell him to knock it off? I'm exasperated, especially because he cannot read the room and doesn't bother to consider whether I even want these excessive updates. I don't text every day when we're in the same country, and his behavior just really bothers me.
Thanks, Laura, that's really funny, Laura. I totally feel you.
There's nothing more annoying than a long update all the time about something you don't give a shit about. You're like, you should just you should send him the definition of a narcissist, or send him the definition of what it's like when someone constantly talks about themselves and never asks you questions about you and be like, does this sound like anyone you know? I would do something like that to someone when they are that clueless, But it won't make a difference because he's an older guy and he's stuck in his ways, and he probably thinks, you know, he's sharing all of this wonderful magic with everybody. You know, He's like, oh, look, but I'm totally with you.
It's fucking annoying.
It's boomers. It's boomers, Laura. What that generation imagine being in that generation?
You?
I mean, of course they're spoiled.
They got to have Christmas Morning as a kid in the fifties, right then they got to have their teenage years in the sixties, he's just like Woodstock.
And like, you know, like the whole you know, question everything.
Then they got to like be like having like mating and having kids in the eighties and it's like, you know, like it's everyone's getting the best Christmas, but their kids are getting the best Christmas presents because the you know, it's like a boom for our country. And then right at the end, now they're like, oh, sorry, we used up every natural resource peace.
Crowd.
Yeah, yeah, actually none of the.
Yeah exactly, We're gonna go to Africa and shoot the last couple.
Of you know, these species, and then we're gonna and then I'm gonna die.
Yeah.
You can't even leave the group chat because he's like individually sending these to everybody.
Right, I've thought I almost responded with just the word unsubscribe.
But I didn't.
I didn't have the nerve.
I really I typed it out once and I was like, this would be a problem.
Have you and you've never said anything to him or your mother? Have you said anything to your mom?
So they share a cell phone?
Oh that's how that's are they want to Oh.
It's so annoying.
I never know who's texting me. I don't even know how much that bothers me. Sometimes they'll sign it like love your dad, but other times they don't.
It's really weird.
I feel like this might be a moment to like introduce your parents to the joys and curses of social media.
Like here's where you can put all your updates and people.
Can their social media.
That's not I know.
The thing is they they seem to treat it like Facebook. And then my dad after they get home, he will put all the same stuff that he texts me up on Facebook. And I've had like my best friend from childhood. It's like, I love it that your dad does that. And I'm like, oh my god, you're the one who reads it.
But that's a perfect example.
You can say, Dad, are you you're texting me the same stuff that you put on Facebook?
Like I can just see it on Facebook.
You don't have to waste your time texting everybody.
Everybody's looking. I mean, that's a nicer way to say. It's true.
I mean, if you want to be nice about it, I would just immediately I would. I would be very honest about it, because I find it completely intolerable when people act like that you know, especially when you're his kid and he's not even fucking asking about you.
It's like, hello, I have a family.
It's so ostentatious.
I just I've muted the thread, I've done all the things I try to like not even look at it. But the last time, when when I didn't even know they were home from Africa, I kind of lost.
It's like, why am I even looking at this, like with yeah, they don't even care.
I mean, yeah, I don't know if there's anything to do for that, Like I don't even know what the point is because they can't hear you. You know, people that age are like so ingrained in what they think is appropriate, and that the gifts they're bestowing on all of us by sharing their travels and and.
So I don't know, and you seem nice.
So it's going to be like a difficult, a difficult interaction, but there are do I.
Got to do yourself favorite spend you know, play the long game and spend your inheritance on a one your full trip to Africa.
Or you can tell them that they've they've posted so much about Africa that they've actually turned you off of Africa.
Yeah, now, I don't even have to go.
That's right, that's right, we solved it. Yeah, do you have siblings?
Yeah, I have a sister.
Oh so do you guys commiserate together about it?
No?
I asked her once if the sharing a cell phone thing bothered her, and it didn't.
Just sounds like you need to get a new family or rent a family.
I kind of do. Yeah. Do you know any nice parents?
Yeah?
I do.
Actually, I know. I love old people, so I love a lot.
I'm friends with a lot of my friend's parents, and I will be on the lookout for you.
Absolutely.
You can shoot number yeah.
Yeah. Are you married?
Yeah? Okay, Well attacks are great.
Great, great, go with them, go with God.
Yeah.
Like, if you are going to say anything like just take a teasing tony, be like, oh my god, mom and dad, like you gotta stop doing this. It's so but like tease them about it. Like I had to have a whole conversation with my mom about like you can't just text me call me period because then I think someone is dead, And took to tell her like ten times, but she finally got it.
Now she says, call me period. Nothing bad. So it's an improvement.
That's phenomenal.
I also think you should focus on the fact that you have a great set of in laws.
You just said.
Not many people can say that you can't have awesome parents and awesome in laws like so, I think you should just count your blessings and focus on where the gratitude should come in.
You know what. That's fantastic advice.
Yeah, and if they end, if you do want to bring it up to your parents, you could be like, just so you know, you're pushing me closer to my in laws.
That'll get them to stop.
Oh it would, it would for sure.
But anyway, thanks for calling in.
Thank you so much.
Bye, bye, Okay, well, I'll be right back with Chuff for Grace. We're back with Hope for We're back with Toprah Grace.
We're back with Toe for Grace.
Tell for Grace.
I could say it three times.
Who is promoting his movie Flight Risk? You guys, I just want to make sure that we get that name out there. Where can people watch Flight Risk tofer.
In the movie theaters. It's one of those ones that went to the movie theaters.
Back to the movie theaters, all these theaters, movies and theaters. Again, it's very exciting time to be alive.
It definitely is. Yeah, well do we have time for a quickie? Like a two minute?
Sure? In our way out?
All right?
Dear Chelsea, My lovely boyfriend of two years is on Tinder from time to time, and he says he's not doing much on there, not meeting anyone. We are together all the time at his place. He cooks for me, he fixed the roof, clean my gutters. My friends think he's great. We get on really well. We're both divorced with kids. I've never met his ten year old son. Our sex life is great. Why is he sabotaging things? He has no friends at all, and he's a bit of a loner who watches a lot of TV, scrolling, et cetera. He has a screen problem. Am I minimizing what he's doing. I found he's on there twice now, and one time he told me he was a bit drunk and looked on it. I can't talk to friends about it, really because the two male friends I have told have said dump him straight away.
No one's perfect.
But now I'm finding myself wondering if he's on there behind my back either I forgive him after he said sorry and move on done this three times now, or I go on there myself and find someone new.
I really like him.
Though he's really hot, he's just a bit introverted, right, Teresa.
Teresa Sofer, can you just handle this as from a male perspective please?
Yeah, I feel bad because she said she talked to two guys and they said, immediately dump. I mean, like, I'm gonna have the same reaction. It's your boyfriend, she said.
Of two years Yeah, two ten year old child ship has never met all right.
When you can't tell people things because they're going to tell you to dump your boyfriend, your answer is to dump your boyfriend. When you start withholding information because the advice that you're going to get is to dump your boyfriend, then it is time to dump your boyfriend.
I when I first got with my wife, she had like a lot of friends, but she had two or three friends who were in these relationships. And yeah, that became my job too. I mean it was a self appointed job. My wife didn't ask me to do this, but I was like, what.
Are you doing?
Like he's like, I don't know, he threw a lamp in my head. But also he's like the nicest guy and I was like, whoaa whoa, Like, you got it, it's over.
And one of them I did.
I was so harsh with I think she caught me in like a bad mood or something, and I was like, look, you're an idiot, like you decide how you want your life to go. I was so harsh about it, but I was like, to stay with him, it'snna be a bad life.
Dump him, you'll meet someone else, it'll be a good life. Whatever. And I just left the room. But she did.
She dumped the guy, and like you know, three weeks later she met her husband there together now they have the most amazing life.
But I get it.
It can be so tough to get out of something for fear of like you know, no one's gonna like me. You know, this is the only person who like whatever the fear is. But I think better better to be alone. And the odds are you're gonna meet someone, they're.
Kind of meet somebody. You're going to be another person. Don't make excuses like he's nice, fixes my drains or whatever the fuck he does. Who gives a shit?
Go you decide, like what standards you are going to adhere to and what standards people need to meet to be in your life, and you are lowering them by allowing some guy who's on fucking Tinder while he's in a two year relationship. I mean, that doesn't make any sense. So you're lowering your standards for him.
Wait, your standards should be Riah at the very least.
Exactly On that note, we're gonna go because I think that's where we leave it.
Thank you for actually Thank you Toper.
For actually tender. I mean that should tell you everything, right.
I mean, yeah, seriously, gosh, I mean, some people just stay with people because they have nothing. It's like we need a self esteem injection.
People. Let's go.
Okay, So if it was a pleasure speaking with you, you're so charming, I'm very excited for you.
ID to say, I just think you're the best.
I didn't want to do this up top so that only the people who listen the whole episode will listen to this. But I've been in Hollywood for a while now, there, I mean, you know as well as I do. There's so few authentic cool people, and you've always been one of them. I've known you for a while now. You've always been so cool, and I just I think you're the best.
Oh, thank you. That's such a nice compliment. I really I appreciate hearing that so much to fer likewise, but you.
Don't have to give it back to me. But I truly I feel well.
That was the polite thing to do, so I did right.
So now you're undoing the authentic copy. No, I'm saying that I'm cool, which I know is I.
Meant it and then I said it and now I regret it.
Well, anyway, it's good. I hope to see you more.
Okay, I hope so too. I hope I buy a bitch to you soon. Take care, see you guys. Thanks, okay, bye. Thanks.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad dickerd executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com
