Dead Ass with Khadeen and Devale EllisAs social media boasts weddings more extravagant every year, the expectations on engaged couples can be high. But what are the real standard wedding costs? In this episode, Khadeen and Devale discuss the hype vs. the reality of wedding costs. Dead ass.
Wedding culture these days is trash.
That's a fact.
I'm just happy that we already marry baby because listen, hmmm, twenty seven year old Kadeen and thirty cent year old Kadeen's ideas.
Are very very different.
Dead ass, dead ass, y'all.
Hey, I'm Kadeen.
And I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's. You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therpy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics, things.
Most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We about to take philos off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
You guys know our wedding story already, so I'm not even gonna bow y'all with our wedding store and everything we've gone through. But I'm going to tell you a combination of three particular wedding stories that all have the same outcome. Okay, okay. It's three young men who I even either went to college with, mentored or grew up with all different backgrounds. I mean, well, they're all black, but one became a professional athlete, one was in college, and one worked. You know, I'll say, mta, you know he's nine to five er right. They all meet beautiful women, love this woman. They date for years. Everything's going well. Women is very smart. All of the women that they were dating were smart, had their own things in their own right. They were all both parties doing well. The men decide, I think I want to make this woman my wife, so they propose. Women are excited. Boom, Now it's time to start planning the wedding. They start planning the wedding. All three women have very different ideas of what this wedding is going to look like than all three men. Through the process over a couple of months, and one couple in particular pushed their wedding back a year because they couldn't agree on terms and what the wedding looked like. Long story short, all three love stories dissolved because all three couples couldn't agree on what their wedding was going to look like and the fiscal responsibility behind who was going to pay for said.
Wedding, so they canned the entire marriage.
All three couples did not get married.
Mm hmm.
And it was all about the culture of weddings, who was gonna pay for what right, and what it was gonna look like and what it was gonna look like. And let's break this down. Baby, I have.
Some thoughts say the same, same, same thing.
I mean, there's so many songs when you think about just weddings, like first dances, things like Edda James, what's that song again?
At last that was a wedding song.
I feel like it's been like one of those. And there was also John Legends song.
All Me let me talking about I think of John Legend. I be thinking we're just ordinary people. We don't know which way to go every time. It not matter what song he's singing. I'm thinking ordinary.
And there's also baby It's you the.
Way, the way same.
So there's a ton of them. But what do you want to see today? I mean, I guess we're giving you all over to carry out samples.
Once I say this beat, you're gonna know it. Boom boom boom.
This is the remix. Mm hmmm, meet me at the altar. Yoo wie. We get no youngers, we might as well do this. We might as do it, do it or not do it? According to today.
Yes, might as well do it and not do it.
We're talking about the new standards for wedding planning and what that looks like. We have so many couples that you know, are younger and they're you know, looking to us for some sort of advice and tips and tricks and all that good stuff. And let me tell y'all, baby, I cannot envy the situation that y'all are in right now trying to plan these weddings Instagram. All right, so we're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna pay some bills, yes, because you gotta hold some money after the wedding to pay bails. And then we're gonna come back and we're gonna dive back into story time and talk more about these new standards of wedding planning.
Stick around, y'all.
Okay, so we're back, all right, we're back.
So you know what I got from your story time, which I think was the positive.
In all of this.
Each couple learned early on that they may not have been on the same page from a financial perspective if they wanted to start a wedding in some sort of financial deficit ever debt. So at least they got that out of the way early on in the relationship where they realize, you know what, we just may not be on the same accord in general with how we want to live our life starting. So let's just nip the shit in the bud now and get it over with because it's gonna save us a lot of heartache in the future, because who knows what other things, other ventures, other business ventures that would require them to be on the same page about finances and what's one of the number one causes for divorce financial issues in relationships is financial issues issues.
But I am still kind of heartbroken because these three couples, you could tell they loved each other and they had love for each other, And what bothered me the most was that they didn't even really they didn't get a chance to get to the marriage and learn how to work through it because they just couldn't agree on the wedding. And what people don't realize is the wedding is just one day, you know what I'm saying, And it's just like you sacrifice, possibly you're happily ever after because you couldn't agree on the semantics of one day. And that's what I really want to talk about today. I want to talk about the semantics of everything. For example, social media has made super luxurious weddings seem like the standard, right, but national averages may shock you into a more realistic budget for your wedding. And I think that that's important for people to realize because we often talk about how social media has skewed so many realities for people.
That is a fact.
When Triple told me the average, the national average for weddings, I was shocked, because you think about it, And in talking to the crew about this as we were prepping for the show, talking to Josh and Matt specifically, who have shot weddings for years, those weddings that cost around the national average don't even make it to social media because they're not necessarily deemed as that aspirational lifestyle, that aspirational wedding that people want to achieve, like, it's not going to be an instagrammable moment if you're within that national average.
So numbers, so you.
Bring the numbers. I want to also point out, of all three weddings I spoke about, I don't want it to I want people to think that I'm saying all of the women want to spend money. The one person I talk about who works for quote unquote MTA or school teacher. I don't want to give it out because some of you y'all know my family and friends, so I don't want to say things that people are two and two together. But he wanted to spend more money on the wedding and she was like, absolutely not. She was like, this is just not the responsible things to do. And in his mind he was just like, but this is what I want to put on for my people, and this is what I want to do, And in her mind she was just like, well, if that's how you want to live your life, I don't know if this is going to be good for us long term. So it's not always a man woman thing is sometimes it's just a personality thing. But in that situation, he ended up losing. And I'm not going to say he lost his part because they walked away amicably. They was like, listen, if we can't agree on this, then we're not moving forward. But oftentimes it's the stigma that women want to spend money for sure, And even I had to be honest with myself and say, when we were planning our wedding, yeah, I was upset and I projected on you that you wanted to have this big wedding, But it was also my ego because my friends were playing in the NFL and gave their wives platinum weddings that I wanted to be able to do the same thing. And I didn't lose my wife because I was able to put on a huge wedding for you. But then I was also very upset afterwards because I didn't put myself in a position to be able to provide afterwards. So I just wanted to put that out there that it's not always just the wife want to spend money and a husband's trying to be fiscally responsible. No. In that case, right there, dude was trying to stunt and Shorty was like, nah, bro, no, I'm not doing that.
In a wedding for me. And even before social media media, there was.
A show called wedding, and that's what got wedding, is it anyway? And that's I think when the culture took a turn.
It shifted after that.
Sure, it's like, okay, we're going to have to make these over the top elaborate wedding days a thing and people trying to keep up with that. Weddings in the United States and Canada are were once based out of commodity rather than desire or love. The word wedding implied the security of the groom's family provided, or the security rather that the groom families provided to the family of the bride when the couple got married. And originally, if the bride's family was poor or her father didn't approve of the marriage, bridal showers were thrown to provide the bride with gifts when she was unable to provide dowry for her marriage.
And that that's wedding history in the United States or Canada, right. And the reason why we're just saying United States or Canada because we live in the United States and that's the culture I'm speaking of. Of course, there's so many other cultures and ideas of what weddings were.
Culture's religions that had their own set traditions.
Right, but weddings were financial commodity, Like people got married for specific reasons at that time. It wasn't just based on love. And also it's clear, to make it very let's make it very clear, it was never on the bride and groom to provide an experience for everyone else to share their love. That's that's the new thing. That's the new thing. And I knew. I mean the last twenty years.
Yeah, oh, I mean twenty years absolutely.
I mean I'm in the thick of starting the wedding planning process with my sister, being of support to her, and you know, I get it because I'm conflicted in that I understand who Kadeen was at twenty seven, you know, desiring certain things that I've seen, you know, the culture of weddings and what it looked like for me at that time. So I understand that portion of it and wanting to have that. But then Kadeen trying to be wise sister, you know, ten years her senior, is like girl like, there's so many other ways to do it, to make it a romantic, memorable situation that's centered around you and your fiance. And not necessarily around the crowds of people who just want to come and party for a day with open bar, you know so.
But also we did things our way. We didn't do the most financially.
That's a fact.
Responsible thing, that's a fact, and we're doing fine now. But a lot of this conversation is to just give you, guys, insight of what we went through. I'm gonna give you a disclaimer right now. If you and your significant other one to be fiscally irresponsible and throw a huge party for one day, do it the same way we did it, and be invested in.
The spation after the sufferation.
Be invested in the sufferation, but also the time is going to take to build back Sadeena and I were invested in that. Even though at times we didn't like it, we still loved on each other and that adversity that it created built the foundation for us that's extremely strong and solid now. So we're not at all saying if you do this, you're stupid and you'll never survive. No, Kandina and I did it.
We wanted a big gas party. It was fabulous, it was amazing. We had a great time. Did we talk to of those people still no, and in a large portion of them we didn't even speak to at that time.
But again, it's trying to, you know, include everyone.
We were the first pretty much in our families to get married, so it's like, oh, mom, dad, grandma, we want to please everyone. And then we learned quickly that that was not necessarily the wisest thing. Let's jump into some facts and stats. Baby, you want to tell them about these numbers. What is this national average looking like for wedding saturdays? Because I was shocked by this number. I thought the standard was definitely way higher than it is.
This is going to shock some people. But if you're engaged, or you're looking to get engaged, or you're thinking about planning a wedding right now, just listen to these things. Brides. American wedding studies showed that the average couple spends three seven hundred and fifty six dollars on an engagement ring in twenty twenty. The average cost of a wedding in twenty twenty three is expected to be twenty nine thousand dollars, up from twenty eight and twenty twenty two, according to wedding planning platform Zola A survey of vendors found seventy seven percent are raising their prices this year because of inflation. The average budget for a destination wedding is around thirty five thousand dollars. According to Brides Wedding guests spend around seven hundred and seventy six dollars for a wedding day.
Oh wow.
The statistic also includes I wonder who they who? They surveyed for this. The statistic also includes the guests who traveled. The average cost of a wedding dress in twenty nineteen was one thousand, six hundred dollars. Brides who tie the knot will spend between five hundred to four thousand dollars on a wedding dress. Now, I will say this, these are national averages, but these are not the weddings you see on Instagram. No, And that is why when people get married, they always end up shooting for the stars, because the only weddings we see are the highlight weddings from these magazines that cost one hundred to one hundred and fifty thousand dollars minimum, minimum minimum, y'all.
And it also depends on the number of guests you have.
Now, I didn't even think about what wedding guests spend to attend a wedding. So of course with destination weddings, you're going to be planning to your airfare, your hotel and all of that. So in traveling to someone's destination for their wedding, a lot of people are like, baby, my presence is a present. So what you're not about to get is a card with no money in it, because just for me to get here to celebrate you is costing me. Some people want to wrap it up in a vacation and okay, I'll just take my vacation and make it two in one thing. But you can't count on necessarily recouping some of that money from people bringing gifts to a wedding. And then you think about being a guest. If you're not traveling, for example, destination, just attending a wedding, you want to get addressed, you got to get a suit, you want to give a gift traveling to the wedding, maybe doing here in makeup, Like who knows what that looks like for people just coming to attend a wedding. So that's also putting other people into some sort of financial situation just to be in attendance, and I know me, I'm like, listen, if I'm not within the parameters financially to attend a wedding and give a nice gift to.
Cover at least my plate, my husband's plate.
If we're coming as a couple, then I'm usually willing to buy out of situations that I know I cannot be in a position to, you know, absolutely give my share.
But not everybody thinks that way. They're just like, well, you invited me.
I don't got it like that, but I'm gonna come because I'm a wanting to support because they genuinely may love the couple but just don't have the resources to be able to gift them anything, or just saying, man, i'm coming to look for a good time, I'm going to go party. So I feel like that's the mindset with a lot of people attending weddings nowadays too.
So let me ask a question. And I'm looking this up right now. Okay, remember your sister sent me what your mom sent her about the average for weddings, and it was about one hundred and fifty thousand. Did Sokari send THATX, I'm going I'm not sure she sent it to or did she show us on the phone. Ultimately, ultimately it was a breakdown of how much it would cost to have one hundred and seventy five people get married in New York and what.
One hundred and seventy five people attending a wedding.
Attending a wedding like you if you didn't have a wedding and have at least one hundred and seventy five people. Yes, the breakdown was about one hundred and fifty k. And they broke down how much photography caused entertainment per plate.
Then you chairs and everything, and a lot of these things weren't astronomical. These were vendors getting their due, yes, market value for the service that they offer. So this wasn't even like astronomical things. These are basics. Yes, And by the time everything was talent, it was about one hundred and fifty thousands.
It was about a hundred ff thousands. But I also want I also want to be clear that when you look at what the standard quote unquote is based on what you look at through social media, that's what you're going to get, even though that's not quote unquote the standard, because you don't have to spend one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And I want to make a statement here because there was a young lady when we were in Houston. I'm pretty sure some of you listened to the live show, and she asked, if you have Patreon, you could have watched it the whole thing. But if you watch the live show or listen to it, the young lady asked about she was twenty five. She said she had been with her boyfriend since she was fifteen. They have a son together, and she wanted to get engaged. And she said, you know, asking us if he doesn't propose this year, should I give him ultimatum like, yo, you have to propose this year or I'm leaving.
And he was in the audience.
No, no, no, that was the second one. The first one was in Houston. He wasn't there. He wasn't You're right, And my biggest thing was I don't think a lot of people, and I'm going to say people, not just brides, because even even men do this at times. Consider what life is going to be like after the wedding. Right, So here it is you like, I can put together all this money, I can find a way to give myself this huge party and do this for my girl, or I can do this for my husband and we can do all this stuff together. You spend all that money, but after the wedding is done, you are now responsible to be married. Right, And I want to be very clear. You listen to the histories of weddings. Weddings were a commodity. Weddings were a way to build something financial for the bride and groom so that they can walk into marriage with something with a neestdai right. Traditionally, it was the bride's family paid for the wedding, the dad's family gave a down payment for the home, whatever money they made from the wedding. If you had three hundred people at your wedding and everybody gave let's say two hundred dollars, you walk away with sixty k. Right. So now your parents, through your party, the other parents, the father's parents, I mean the husband's parents gave your down payment for a home, and now you're walking in with sixty thousand dollars in your bank account. Because if you want to have children, now you have a nest stake to start this with. That's what weddings were supposed to be for this is why I say wedding culture is trash. Now wedding culture, I mean, weddings now are it's expected that the bride and the groom, especially in American culture, are supposed to pay for everyone else to enjoy their love story. Make that make sense? When did the shift happen where everyone else who was invested in our love story came with gifts and provided us with a party, so everyone else celebrated the bride and groom and gave them something. Now it's the bride and groom has to give you something. And the reason why I say that is because when we listen to our friends, the biggest thing they say is I'm afraid if I don't invite these people, or if I don't spend this amount of if I don't have this, they will be disappointed. I'm like, it's your why do you care if they disappoint it?
But also too, you can't go into a wedding nowadays, at least, like you're saying to your point with the culture expecting to recoup anything, because people are going to think, oh, I'm attending this wedding for X y Z. They got it or did they have to do this elaborate wedding. They clearly got it because they did it not expecting anything in return or expecting to have to give a value, whereas with us, for example, I'll look up a venue that I'm going to for a wedding and be like, oh, this, this venue is a beautiful venue. They're probably going to average two hundred per person. So we're going as a couple, we're going to at least cover our head.
And so I'm a cover the head. I'm going to.
Research the venue. I'm going to see how much it is per head, estimate cover at the very bare minimum each head. So that's too valini, and then giving an addition to that extra And.
When I tell you my wife is good at giving head, I mean covering her head. You knew I wasn't gonna let that, you know I wasn't, But no, she literally does this. She's like, who's getting married? Where we're going?
I'll tell her.
She'll look at us. She's like, oh, okay, so this and then we're going to give a gift, right for sure. And I think that that part of wedding culture is lost, right, Like no one thinks about oh if I'm a guest at a wedding, I should give a gift if I'm going to invest.
It's not protocol or etiquette for a lot of people. They don't realize it.
When we got married, there was a lot of family members, and I mean like close family members that literally had no idea that that's how it worked. They were like, Oh, we're going to a wedding. Cool, I'm gonna go to the bridle shower. I'm gonna give to some lingerie. That's what I've heard people do. And I'm gonna show up at the wedding because my presence is the present, y'all.
I came to a wedding. I supported you.
I supported you or I grew you up to be who you are today. So that was my gift.
Like, hey, let me tell you something right now. If I got married again, you know what I would do. I would sell tickets to my wedding on everything, on everything.
I tried, God put it on evite.
You put on Evite and be like listen or event bright? Is that what it is?
Bright?
If you plan to attend the nuptials between Daval and Kadeen, you know, and I'm going to put in the cost per ticket is and I'm gonna give a breakdown of what you're getting. You're getting a five course meal, you're getting cocktail. I this the course per ticket is at least four hundred dollars. You know why I'm gonna do that because now you see who's really invested in your love story. If people know they got to pay to come and they don't really rock with you, they're not gonna come. But now you don't got to pay for their food.
So Javal and I did something very non traditional for one of our baby showers. Yes, yes, when we were pregnant with Cairo, right, we were throwing a gender reveal party, and we felt like, you know, gender reveal party, baby shower, Let's do one big celebration in one. Because at this point I was already like seven months pregnant, we were waiting to find out what the baby was. We said, instead of doing a baby shower that was specific to an agender, let's just make it one big reveal.
So we ended up doing just that. It was like seventy five dollars a pop. Come to the gender reveal, don't bring a gift, don't bring a gift. Don't bring a gift. If anything that will be your contribution towards the.
Baby and towards We had open bar for two hours open bar, we had food, DJ, entertainment, all that decor. Everything was done. And we got some backlash from a couple people, you know, through the grape viound we heard about people like, oh, people selling tickets the baby showers. Now, oh that's tacky, that's tacky. First of all, you didn't have to come right that part. You didn't have to come. It was an option to come. But we did have an outpour of love from people. We had people that were like, yo, this was a great idea. Yes, because first of all they were going to probably give us money.
Anyway, we got.
To tell them how it happened. Remember with Jackson, we had a baby shower first with Jackson at Aviator.
Oh, yes, this is where the mindset.
This was the mindset came from. And we had about three hundred people and it was amazing.
It was.
It was a shoe rate outpour.
And once again we got a bunch of gifts from people. And these gifts were not cheap gifts. People bought bought gifts upwards of one hundred.
Dollars, I mean, playpens, boxes, of Pam.
But remember what happened.
We had to end up renting a U haul at the end of the party to get every game everything back home to our apartment.
And then stuff was stacked up in our small apartment and we had duplicates forever, and there was a ton of duplicates.
There was a ton of stuff, and it just took a lot of It took a lot, I remember, and once we said, well, we already have a child, we don't necessarily need more baby stuff, but we could put this money away in a five to twenty nine plan. So what we took was that seventy five hundred dollars. We took that money that we got from I'm gonna tell you how much money we made. But we had enough people there we were able to make a couple of bands, and we started Cairo's five twenty nine plans the point that day with the money that he got from the gifts from the people, because we didn't need any more playpins.
We already had that right and it's true, and it just made so much sense of was at the time. So of course, there were mixed reviews on it, because when you do something that's not traditional or undimensional. You're going to have the naysayers and people say, well, why would they do that, that's tacky. How you're going to ask me to pay to come to your baby shower. Well that was the mindset behind the entire thing, and it was easy because there was no transporting of gifts. After everyone came, had a good time, we found out it was a boy. It was a memorable moment, and then you know, started Cairo's five twenty nine plan for college that way.
Also, when we sold the tickets for the baby shower, we were able to get a lump sum of money which was able to put the money up front for because of course I was going to put the money up front anyway, but now you're not spending money when you're supposed to be saving money because you're having a child. To put on a party so that people can bring you gifts. We were able to use the sales from the tickets to put money down on the alcohol, put empty for the open bar, for the venue space, and we were able to really put on a good party for everyone. So it was just like listen, you guys pay astronomical prices for tickets during this time. Anyway to go to FETs. Why not fat in a place where people that you're going to celebrate having a child, And they were like, you know what, this makes sense. Plus, the seventy five dollars was less than what they were going to pay on gifts, because most of the gifts we got from people were upwards of one hundred dollars. They even bought a whole bunch of clothes. They either gave us money for pampers or they were just buying random baby stuff that we already had. So for us, we took on that mindset of being fiscally responsible but also using that commodity to put towards our child. I feel like, and I know saying it now sounds funny that you would sell tickets to your wedding. No one's really going to sell tickets. I was joking about selling tickets, but I was saying, is the idea of people understanding when they attend a wedding. And this goes back to wedding culture being trash, knowing that when you are attending a wedding, you're attending an event in the show, and you should at least cover your plate, your date's plate, and give a gift because that's what you're there to do is to celebrate. You're not there to just be entertained. And I'm telling you this idea that brides and grooms are supposed to go deep in their pockets to entertain you on their wedding day is trash to me. And I hope people start. I hope we change that culture, like it has to change.
It really has to change for the sake of like everyone coming up, because we're also going to have an episode this season with talking Finances with our CPA financial advisor, Sean Sean Freeman of Morgan Stanley, and he's also going to give some tips about just getting that nest eggs started, which is super important, and starting out in debt is never a good way to start a marriage. Some other fun facts about wedding traditions and ancient times. The ring finger was thought to contain a vein that is connected directly to the heart. I heard that one too that I wonder if it really is a case bring And the bridal party was originally for security, Oh wow. The bridal party was seen as a decoy to protect the briting room from possible evil spirits. The wedding party was originally directed to dress just like the couple to confuse evil spirits who might wish to harm the couple or attempt to target them on their wedding day.
Interesting never do that.
So I think it's important for people to understand the history and the culture behind weddings so that not only when you plan a wedding, but also when you attend a wedding or if you're in a bridal party, you understand what's to go along with that, right, Because here's another thing with weddings. People, bridal parties be fucked up. People be feeling feeling slighted if they're not invited to be a part of the bridal party. But then when they're giving the bridal party responsibilities, oh my god, this is so much. This is so much. If you rock with me, if you're invested in my love story, right and you accept to be part of my bridal party, don't tell me every step of the way that I'm asking you to do too much. You could easily say.
No with a couple of weddings that I was in recently, and it's just like this person's your friend. Facts or working as a makeup artist for years in the wedding industry, let me tell you as a makeup artist or people working behind the scenes in the wedding, So I mean like the glam squad, hearing makeup, the photographer, Like we see sometimes the things that the bride may not be picking up on on that day because of course she's trying to live and exist in that moment with no care, no worries. But then you'd be like, that's supposed to be the maid of honor and her good friend that's acting like that, you know, the who's wedding? Is it?
Anyway? Lyne comes up because it's like, girl, you're making it more about you.
You then absolutely friend quote unquote, So yeah, you tend to see a lot of that shadiness going on and people who have big falling.
Outs and are no longer friends after weddings.
It happens on the groom side too, you know. You you start the marriage process and dude's jockey to see who's going to be the best man with the best man becomes becomes.
Responsibilities, financial response, financial.
Responsibilities, right, and then with everything that goes on before the wedding, and also it's important to let people know like you're not supposed to throw all of the financial responsibility on your wedding party either.
Either exactly, that's not cool because you can't have these high hopes and dreams and expectations for the things that you want that are super lavish and over the top, knowing good and well that your bridal party cannot afford to do that.
That's just completely selfish too.
But once again it goes back to the wedding culture being trash bro like all of the ideas behind weddings now is all about show all of the traditions and the love and the responsibility is no longer there. It's just all about I have to get this moment, and I have to capture this moment in order to be on this bridal magazine or to have this many viral viral moment, you know what I'm saying. And I feel like people are losing sight of what a wedding is supposed to be. And I want to implore a lot of young people who are choosing to get married, or even older people choosing to get married, don't get married to please other people, but you get married to begin a life with someone who you want to be of service to for the rest of your life. And if you're thinking that, if that's your mindset, you have to go into that process looking to also be of service, but also choose people and surround yourself with people to be of service to you so that you don't have to feel like you're being too much or being too much of a burden. Right, And that's really what a wedding party is designed to create. It's designed to create a community around the bride and the groom that's going to support them and push them into marriage with a nest egg and some comfort that everything is going to be okay, not stress and debt.
Yeah, and I'll speak to on the converse side of things, that young girl who is now a woman who is dreamt of her wedding day her entire life because I was that girl. I talk talk about it in our book We Over Me, you know, attending weddings as a kid and just like being so enamored by the entire process of it, right by the gown and the day and the love. Like that's something that early on I was like, Wow, I want something like this. You can have your basis, you can splurge, you can go into debt. No one's going to tell you otherwise if that's what you have your mind set on, because I know again twenty seven to twenty eight Rocadina, what that looked like. Just be prepared for the struggle after. Be prepared for what it's going to look like to pull yourself out of that hole. Be prepared to have to possibly move back into someone's parents' house to build money up again. Be prepared to have to go into the old apartment that your husband's grandmother had for forty plus years, knowing that that's where you're going to have to be for a couple of years to rebuild, or a decade or a decade, right or a decade.
Even then we got married twenty ten, we moved out twenty.
Nineteen years nine years of working and hustling to rebuild. And I won't say it was all the wedding that put us in that hole, because it's also to us trying to build a next day having children, you know, saying I'm not having any kids in this apartment, and then having three in the apartment, you know, because life is going life, yes, but just be prepared for whatever you're walking into, knowing that okay, and not being placed in blame at that point now on your spouse or anyone else. You have to accept responsibility for the situation that you put yourself in. And again, like I said, this is Maturecaden talking to Ya Nakadin ten years ago.
But sure, and I appreciate you saying that, but it wasn't all just you neither, you know, thirty eight year old Devo speaking to twenty seven year old Devo. Well, definitely say, dude, you don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations of what being a groom is. I did that. I definitely watched those platinum weddings. I definitely compared myself to my friends. I definitely felt like my manhood was tied to what I could provide for my wife on that day, right, And I put that day in front of eternity, right because I'm still trying to think about what I'm going to provide for the rest of my life. But I was really focused on that day, which to me was so shortsighted. You know. But also, young man, once you make that decision, if you decide to spend that money, it is now on you to not project your own insecurities and your anger for your own decisions you make on your bride when your life now isn't the way you expected it because you chose to flaunt on that one day like it's this is me, thirty eight year old Devou speaking to twenty seven year old DeVoe At the time, I was all for it, that's it.
And we did have advice from other people that said, man, wasting all that money on the wedding day like we did have, you know, elders telling us yes, but you know, but they.
Also were they also weren't as articulate and deliberate about why true. They just said, you don't want to spend all that money on one day and never explained why. You know, I want these young couples or older couples if you get married later, to understand why. Right. Part of a wedding plan, too, is to find out how you and your spouse communicate, Oh for sure, because this is another thing. Kadeen and I got married and then afterwards had so many differences of financial acumen, Like there were certain things Kadeen didn't know that I knew, and so many ways of life that I'm like, man, if we would have had these discussions before the wedding, we could have put ourselves in a better place.
Like me not even knowing the details and the ins and outs about a credit card, like if you've listened to the Sherry Shepherd Show, or if you were at the live show in La the whole Beyonce story about the tickets, Like it's me saying like, oh, a credit card, there's available money there. I'm paid off when I get a chance to not realizing that I wasn't even operating in a space with the business acumen or the financial acumen to know like, girl, you cannot do this. And that caused so many rifts and arguments with us, you know, and those the things that forced us to have the conversation while being married, which is why we say those first five years of our marriage was trash, Yes, but.
I guess I can't even really say it was trash.
Those were like teachable learning moments for us, so we can't really, you know, regard that as a trash moment in our marriage. It really was just a time that we had to learn the hard way, and you know, we came out on top, thankfully. So we're just trying to give y'all, you know, our little two so that you can, well, I'll do at least have that perspective.
I do want to give them like an alternative, right, Say, say you're your two people who both make six figures, so collectively you make about a quarter million dollars. And the reason why I music is because we grew up in New York. You know, most people in New York can't even survive if you make less than six figures. It's that difficult, Like everything is so expensive living in a metropolis, and the city is difficult. So and let's be clear, most people in America don't make six figures. But just for the sake of it, let's say they're both making about one to twenty five. That puts you at two hundred and fifty k for the year. This is how I would get married because when we got married, I was in the NFL and I was making the league minimum and going into my thirty I had made First year, I made two to seventy five. Second year I made three to fifty thirty, I was making four twenty five lost most of it, most of it in the stock market. But say you're making a quarter million dollars, because people thinks is a lot of money. Oh, it's quarter million. That's a lot of money, is not because if you make a quarter million dollars, that means it going to tax you high, which means you're only really going to walk.
Away with.
One sixty five one sixty five. And if you break down one hundred and sixty five k over twelve months, that's a little over ten thousand dollars a month. And if you live in New York, rent is going to be at least on a low end. If you live in live in New York, long win three thousand dollars. Right, So now you're working with seven thousand dollars. If you have a carn Right insurance and insurance that's another no, that's another fifteen hundred. So now you're working with fifty five hundred dollars a month. You still got to eat, still want to you know what I'm saying. So right now you're realizing than that quarter million dollars went away very very fast.
You have kids, forget it, childcare, this miscellaneous.
So say you don't want to spend one hundred k on a wedding for one day, this is what I would do. I would plan the grandest honeymoon, the grandest honeymoon for me and my wife. If this is me and Kadeen right now, taking two hundred and fifty k, I plan probably a twenty thousand dollars honeymoon, and on that honeymoon, we will have our nuptials and we will get married. And I will tell all of the people who rock with us, just the people rock with us, we're going to stay here. For example, say we're going to go on to French Riviera and we're going to spend ten days just traveling Europe. Or say we're gonna go We're gonna know what, We're gonna go to South Africa. We're gonna spend ten days just traveling South Africa. Right now we're here, we're telling all of our friends. We're not putting the pressure on our friends to join us. It's just, hey, this is what we're doing. If you want to be a part of it, you can't. We're gonna do our nuptials there. If you want to be a part of it, we'll give them a year in advance. Tell them this is where we're staying. If you want to be a part of it, lets us know. We'll get a room block and y'all can join, but they'll be responsible to pay to join that part of it. We're not gonna pay for everybody to come. We're just letting you know where we're going. Then I will take an additional thirty thousand dollars and I will plan, so now we're at fifty k, I will plan something at home in New York that's going to be cocktail our type, not sit down, not going to cost one hundred to one hundred and fifty dollars per plate. But people can come get some finger fools, dope, DJ videographer, photographer, invite my friends and family, about two hundred people, and that will be it. And I will say, listen, for all of you who want to celebrate with us when we come back, you can celebrate with us here. It's going to be a nice spot. It's a thirty thousand dollars party. Then I'm still throwing for everyone. If you want to bring a.
Gift, it'll just be like a reception pretty much. Absolutely so it's like you have the ceremony.
You know abroad with whoever immediately decides to be when I say meeting immediate families, for closest friends, and then coming back to having reception, So literally, y'all's entrance into the reception would be as if people were at the ceremony forehand exactly.
Then yeah, I like that.
And the reason Mary thousand, do you won't be married again? I got you marry you always want to get married. The way I came up with the fifty thousand dollars to spend for a wedding at two hundred and fifty K was based on if we get engaged and we spend two years planning, because most people planning and saving, right, So now you got two years planning and saving. Two years is twenty four months. If you two collectively can save two thousand dollars a month over twenty four months, that's forty eight thousand dollars. And I think that that's modest. I save a thousand a month. You save one thousand dollars a month, and we put that aside, and every month once you gain, if you have a little extra, you throw a little extra in there. But you can save fifty thousand dollars over the course of two years, and you.
Might even use all of that because you think about for a cocktail party, was saying Tom bar not having to do a sit down per person for head perplate serving type situation.
That could totally be a vibe too.
And the party doesn't have to be extremely long. The reception only has to be say receptions for weddingxibltly last what.
Maney three three hours, three hours, four hours.
Three or four hours? So if it's four hours. So if you get a venue space for four hours and you get it on an off time and it's not a wedding, you just want to throw a party for a venue space, throw a party, it's not going to be the same. Once you go to these spaces, say you're having a wedding, all the price is shoot up. So you don't tell them you're having a wedding. You tell me having a cocktail party, you know. And then from there, within that budget, you can decide what's more important. Is it the roses or the type of food? Is it going to be the lighting or is it going to be the dejit. You see what I'm saying, And that's how I would do it, because then you don't have to put yourself in a deficit, and you can invite people and if they don't bring a gift, you're fine because I budgeted this money anyway, and we can still live our life afterwards. But if you spend thirty thousand and you invited two hundred people, and two hundred people, now bring in one hundred dollars. Now you get twenty thousand dollars back. You see what I'm saying. And now that twenty thousand dollars can go towards paying the venue, or since that was money you saved anywhere, you can put that twenty thousand dollars into a plan for a retirement for you and your wife, or you can put it in for your first child. This is going to start their five to twenty nine plan. But that's how I would do my wedding. Now, Like I said, this is mature, thirty year old de Vo. I'm not saying that if you don't do this, you're an imbecile. This twenty seven year old Devo spent seventy five thousand dollars for a one day party. And Kadeen and I went back to the apartment, sat at the edge of the bed and Case said, I hate it here.
Literally, you're right after the honeymoon. But we couldn't even afford a honeymoon. My grandmother sent us to your grandmother sent us to to grandma. She was applying because yes, Grandma brothers two and came home as three.
Yes.
Maybe all right, y'all, We hope that this helps some of y'all out there, just to give perspective. Again, we're not preaching or professing to know the right way to do anything.
We're just hoping to.
Give perspective like we always do to y'all, especially those who are looking and aspire to marriage, because you know, we are proponents of marriage.
If that's keep getting.
Married, keep getting married. I hope people know the black dollar the fastest through inheritance and for people whn't understand what that means is that you build generational wealth by being married, having your children have the same name, and passing down all the wealth that you accrue to your children, and then they do the same thing and they pass it down to their children.
That just giving a moment of truth.
That's how most families pass down wealth through marriage. So that's why marriage is so important. So we employ our to keep getting married. If that suits you, sure don't run away from it because the wedding may be scary.
That's it, all right, y'all.
We are going to take a quick break and get back into listening letters after we pay some bills stick around already we are back to listener letters. Who this one looks like a loan when I do ze. Okay, Dear de Valencadeen, longtime listener, first time writer, Hello, welcome First I'd like to say that I really enjoy your podcast and can admit I look up to your marriage in the way that you guys perceived openness and bonding with each other are things I mirror in my marriage. For that all right to the point of my letter. I've been married to my wife for nine years this May, and we've been together for ten years now. We've always had open conversations and at the same time, I've probably been too open with some of my thoughts. We've both grown a lot together and the relationship is working great because we both do the work. My issue is dealing with us having differences of opinion on the topic of social media friends and real life friends. My wife is super friendly and can meet someone today and treat them like she's known them for years. My issue is that I am the complete opposite, and friendship for me is a privilege that's earned because I do a lot for a friend, so it takes a lot for me to get it. Takes a lot for them to get that from me.
I get it.
My problem with her is that I take her nature to be friendly mainly to men, which can be innocent naivety, as seeking attention or leading, because at times she makes herself too available. One example is from an argument we had recently where I had questioned her about adding someone on Instagram who we both knew through his brother and would react and would react to each other's reels or stories. I didn't see any conversations, just quick emojis or messages. No, I didn't go through her phone. She just showed me something he said, and that's where the discussion started. My opinion is that with opening up access to her DMS to a person that while yes we know of oh someone I don't know like that, to be comfortable with you having private availability to not that she couldn't have male friends from the past that she could have innocent interactions with on social media from time to time.
But I do not support the notion that she's starts reforming me. Okay, I know men, and I know how some of us can be but I wanted to know that. I just want to know that you all thought the Oh God, I just want I can't read today, y'all. I just want to know what you guys thought of the topic.
Or situation and give me other perspectives and my friends who mostly agree with me. I don't know if I explained it clear enough.
You did, You did.
I just can't read, but hopefully you get it. Not trying to completely control my woman's life, but I do think that as a married man, we should have a level of sway or influence in our wives think and how we think our wives.
No, we shouldn't.
Okay, we should have a level of swey or influence in how our wives think and operate. No, we should not always willing to learn. At least he's always willing to learn.
And I and here's the biggest thing, right, I understand his perspective, I honestly do. But here's the truth. The freedom in being married to someone is knowing that they're choosing you because they're choosing it every day, not because you're controlling who's in their DMS. You see what I'm saying. So for me, it's like you can't really control the woman. You can tell the woman don't have many in your DMS. You know what you'll do, She'll get what's app then she'll talk to men do what's app. Like, if someone wants to have access to other people, they're gonna find ways to have access to other people, and you're gonna lose your mind trying to control how they get access to other people. For me, and maybe this just be me or maybe my own arrogance, I feel like my wife chooses me because she wants to be in love with Devoal and be with de vou.
So regardless of like side conversations, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
You could you could be in a giving exam. It could be, well, he's married to I don't want to use him. But who's a single guy that everyone is loving right now? Michael Jordan, Michael B. Jordan, I honestly feel like I don't have to tell you I don't want you talking to Michael B. Jordan and your and your DMS because if you're gonna want to do that, you're gonna find a way to do that anyway. And me just saying Michael B. Jordan can't talk to you in your DMS doesn't mean that he's not gonna find a way. Right. We may be out of an event and you may run into someone. I can't control any of that, So why am I going to put that in my mind that I can if I limit you, you know what I'm saying, But that also shows your insecurity because I also don't want to be limited either. Because here's the real deal. There are women who are in powerful positions who may be able to help me further something for my family, one of my sons, my own career. But now I have to limit how I interact with this person because my wife may find issue with how we interacted. For example, we went on the Sherry shepperd show. Sherry don't have my cell phone number? Right? You know what she did through DMS. Hey, Deval, I'm wondering if you and Kadeen are interested in blah blah blah blah blah. What if you were the type to be like, Oh, Sherry Shepherd hit you in your DMS? Or is that you better not answer? You know what I'm saying. Now, we've limited an opportunity for us to grow a relationship with someone who has nothing but good intentions because I'm so concerned with you or my wife may not like the fact that Sherry hit my DMS. You know what if I ignore that DM because I don't want my wife to see it, you know what I'm saying. I feel like to anology is always evolving. At one point, it was don't get people your phone number. Then when emails became big, I don't want nobody having my wife email. Now DMS is big. I don't want nobody having my wife emails. Don't text my wife. People communicate different ways. Once you start putting barriers on how people communicate, you're limiting your opportunities. If that's your wife, you have to use discernment to know that I can trust this woman regardless of who's reaching out to her. And that's how I feel about it.
And the way your wife treats friends does not have to be synonymous with the way you treat your friends.
You said she's super friendly.
She may act like she knows somebody for years, that's just meeting someone because that's just her spirit and that's her energy. You've married this woman for a reason, so I would hope that you trust her judgment, you trust her discernment, and like you said, you understand how men can be and people gonna be people the same way women will be women. You have to then put the onus on your wife to then make the decision and no better. And that's something that you can't control either way. So you can't control your wife.
You can't.
I mean it seems like you want to, but you can't control your wife and you can't control who's in her DMS either. What you can then rely on and like you said, you haven't checked her phone, so you may not know, but you have to rely on what her interaction is looking like, you know, because she could very well be like curving. People can pay you compliments all day, but if you're not feeding into that, or you're not replying, or you're not engaging in that kind of conversation, then what exactly is a problem? You know?
No, you're absolutely right. I think his biggest issue is not even really the DMS. It's him not understanding how far things can go with his wife if she makes herself too vulnerable. And my thing is that's a bigger problem than the DMS. If you don't trust, if you don't trust your wife to go to work or have a DM or have a conversation or build a friendship. Then that's a conversation you need to have, not limit who she talks to in her DMS or on social media period. And here's the truth, bro, you sound like a dude who's willing to do the work to figure out how to live in this space. And you're asking the right questions.
Right because as I was looking at you, you say he's willing to learn, but he also says that he feels like, as a married man, he should have a level of swear influence in how she thinks and operates.
You can't do that, sir, No, you can't do that.
But a healthy conversation can be had about the way you feel, because I think it's valid for you to feel the way you feel, but also to getting her perspective and seeing you know, why does she feel the need to or want to have these conversations with people on social media? Because right now it's a thing in this culture where people aren't necessarily calling someone directly on the phone, texting them directly. A lot of times, it's like via social media you acknowledge certain things. For example, Crystal hayslet shout out to Crystal from Davalos Co star and Satima sends both of us in the Floral arrangement to say congratulations on the tour and everything. And then I immediately, just because it came and I had my phone in my hand, I did a quick Instagram story and then thanked Crystal on it, and then I was just like, that was so impersonal, Like I need to call her directly. So I facetimed her after we finished recording the podcast, and I was like, hey, Sis, I know I'll posted on social media to say thank you, but the culture now is to put it on social media before we actually call someone directly. So I was like, hey, I was going to call you to say thank you to you face to face in a FaceTime versus just assuming that social media is the way to connect.
That can be very impersonal too.
Absolutely so to your wife, she may think like, oh, it's impersonal because it's just a DM on social media, Like nobody really, you know, has access to me like that. It's it's it's access that I seek if I check my DMS. If you don't check your DMS, you don't have access to that. Whereas if someone has direct contact to your phone number, then that's a little bit more personal. So I think it's worth having the conversation with your wife if it makes you that uncomfortable. But please don't be out here trying to control her either.
Yeah I was, I was gonna touch on that, And I don't think he's doing this purposely. I don't. I think when he says we should have a level of sway or influence in how our wives think and operate, that's very misogynistic, as if she can't operate or think on her own, and you deserve the right to have that. This is this is how it should sound. I would hope that my wife values my opinion enough to make her own have a conversation, and when we have this conversation, she'll make a decision that will not only include what she wants and desires, but also what I want and desire, because that's the same way I want my wife. My wife Kadeen will never in her life be able to just tell me you can't do this because I said so. And I will never be able to tell her that. I don't want to be able to tell her that. The most freeing thing for me as a man, like what makes me feel like a man. Is not the fact that I tell my wife what to do. What makes me feel like a man is that my wife chooses to listen to what I say when I offer my opinion, exactly the same way I choose to listen to my wife when she offers her opinion. Hey, we're not the type of couple that K be like, my man ain't doing this because I told him he ain't. No, KY will be like, I'm gonna talk to the vout if he's interested in this. And if Kay express to me that she don't like something or she don't feel comfortable, then it's up to me to be like, well, is this really important to me that I want to put my wife in a place of displeasure? And if it's not that important to me, I'm not doing that in it. But if it's important, it's like, Babe, this is why it's important, and I want to rock with it. And most of the time, kble Hey, if it's that important to you.
Go with it.
But we're never gonna do anything that disrespects each other. But we also don't control each other. Because I feel my manliest when I wake up and she's there because she wants to be not because I'm making her be here.
That's a fact.
I hope that helps my God. But also this is a great question and it also shows his vulnerability to say this is how I think. Let me know what you think because I'm willing to learn.
So shout out to you a b Thank you for that. All right?
Number two, Hello Kadeen and Duva. I would like to remain anonymous. No problem. Me and my wife have been those two guys.
What's up?
Me and my wife have been together for six years, married for two years. When we first started dating, we had sex two times a week, sometimes three, but the past year that has greatly declined to maybe once a week or once every two weeks, to sometimes once every three weeks. She does not initiate sex. I always do. I would love for her to do. I would love for her too, but she never. We will spend time together watching TV, and she will perfectly find not saying she's tired or not feeling well. The moment we hit the bedroom door, all of a sudden, she's too tired or not feeling well. We don't have any kids, and I'm up and at work before she is, and I work longer hours than she does, and yet she's always Then we have the same issue, always the one tired and all of a sudden does not feel good. I do pretty much everything from the cooking to cleaning clothes, but yet I still find time for her, but it feels like it's not being paid back. Is there a way to handle this situation or do I need to just let things be?
Well?
This is the first thing, man, this is the first thing I will say. I don't know if they're on birth control, because the first thing I'm thinking of is they don't have kids. If she's on birth control, there's a good possibility that her libido has been affected by whatever birth control she takes. If it's the pill, if it's the ring, if it's the patch, iud We've spoken to so many women over the past three years since we've opened up about our sex journey that they all said, yo, I didn't realize that the contraceptive was going to also make me not want to have sex, killing us. So I would investigate, absolutely, I would investigate if that's what the problem is. First.
Yeah, that literally came to mind first, and I'm like, man, this was me And I mean, granted they don't have children, we do. So that adds like another layer of just tired in perpetuity that moms have that the minute you become a mom, you just can never catch up with sleep. But the fact that she doesn't initiate sex, maybe there's also something else underlying.
Is there something going on physically with him? For example?
Is he not creating a space where you know, she feels comfortable or feels sexy?
There can be so many different things here.
Did he let himself go because we put so much on this? Women? Women, are you still going to the gym?
Going to the gym? Are you making yourself enticing for her as well too?
You know?
And is it just sitting in front of the TV and y'all just have a comfort zone where that's just where you sit and you're not doing other things to initiate that, you know. Deval and I had to run where we were in where it was like that. Deva was like shit, Like we go to sit and watch a show, you're falling asleep on the couch. Then we get up to go on the back and then it's just like this monotonous routine of like, okay, let's get in the bed and have sex now, because that's what we do when we get into the bedroom, and that wasn't working for us either, so we had to take it back to some basics, like make a different I'm like, devlle, tell me what you want. He's like, yo, word, I'm sure it's in that cropsop that I like, and come drop it front of me in front of the TV. Like, doing little things to spark that interest again is sometimes necessary, especially if you've been together for a while.
I'm gonna be a little bit vulnerable here and I'm going to talk about how our sex rut was so bad at one point, with us just going to watch TV and then going to bed. And this was when this was during the time when Kadeen and I were trying to save a lot of money, so we weren't traveling that much. So we would literally go to the gym because that's where I worked at the time. I would do my commercials or the film whatever. Kadeen was doing makeup, doing weddings, and we would come home and be late at night and we would watch TV and it be nighttime and be ready to go to bed, and then we would get in the bed and she would roll over and she would be like okay, and she would start kissing me, and then she'd be like, what the matter, Like you don't feel how you normally feel, And I was like, what you mean? She's just like you don't even feel like you're like really fully hard. And I'd be like, well, this isn't turning me on, and and me not being turned on, she wasn't turned on, And that's where the rut starts. Like when it's boring for a woman and it's boring for the man, and then you're not feeling each other. There has to be something that has to get done, and a lot of times men don't want to talk about it. Men don't want to say, well, babe, can you do this or do that? Or war this or can we travel here? They just want to feel like, yo, it's your responsibility as a woman to make sure that I'm taken care of. But we're not helping them. And I say that to say this, we also have a responsibility as people to work for each other.
That's it.
This whole idea of you love me, take me as I am. I ain't putting in no work. This is just that's fucking corny. I'm sorry that that has become one of the biggest cop outs. I'm sorry, And it's not just a woman thing. It is also a man thing. Me and my boys have a group accountability group chat, like, bro, when is the last time you've been in the gym? Like your wife met you and you were an elite athlete, you were the Vision one athlete, you had a six pack.
You know, like, when's the last time you was in the gym? Syst nobody this come on?
But it's the truth, though, Guys like y'all gotta work for each other because because here's the truth. When they were single, I bet they was both out here making sure they were top not because they were trying to find somebody. But then when you find somebody, it's just like, oh, well, they gonna accept me as I am. And now they watch you go through this downwall spiral of comfortness that it's like, Yo, that shit's not enticing to me. I want the single version of you that was working out every day, and I'm talking to you as a man. They want the single version of you that was working out every day, your testosterone was on high, your eyes was everywhere because you was looking for That's what they fell in love with and now you come and you just sit on the couch, And I'm saying that to you because that's where I was. Now. I worked in the gym, so I didn't lose I didn't lose my physique, but I was super lazy when I came home, Like I came home sitting on the couch, and you know what I'm saying, You make the sandwich, You're gonna wash this thing, and then I'm sitting there on the couch like you don't never initiate sex, but I'm sitting here on the couch eating the sandwich.
You know, And it's like that you gotta change all you have to and don't really have to.
Don't let people who are miserable tell you that you don't have to work for your partner. They just need to accept you and all your deficiencies. We all as people have to continue to work to be better. Number One, for yourself. You should put yourself in the best physical and health shape is possible for you. But that will also indirectly affect your spouse.
Your spouse, it affects your mood, Like, there's so many things that are positively affected by just taking care of yourself and.
You'll be surprised when you come in here after doing a couple of rounds of Birbies and you you have to stop Sarona's on high and how that woman will be like, oh, hey, them shoulders is back a little hot today.
Or maybe don't even wait till y'all hit the bedroom. How about you, like, oh, in the middle of the show.
You know how many times we've been watching the show and de Val would just turn that shit off or pause it and we just get it in on the couch because that's just what it is. You know.
Sometimes it's just the monotony of saying, we're gonna watch the show.
Then we're gonna turn off TV, the we're gonna turn off the lights, and we're gonna walk to the bedroom.
It's like this walk of doom.
It's like.
Yeah, full and just like you know, missionary till we'll fall asleep. Like no, like make it fun, make it interesting, make it different, like just put the work in. You have to put the work in and have the conversation with her about it too.
Also, remember something you told me you was just like Daval, I never initiated it because I knew you were going to initiate it.
I was like, why because you stay on me all the time. So it's like, here we are.
It's fun now my boy, Uh Sharonas. Shout out to Sharonas. He just asked me to send him a video of when I said I was resetting your freak level. Renumber the skit we did. So he had sent that, so I guess the girl he's dating, right, shout out to Sharonas. But I said, why do you need this for? He's just like, now, I'm just trying to prove a point to her, like sometimes I gotta pull away to make you want me to reset your freak level. And I was making a joke, but seriously that that does be a thing. Now. I will say this too, though, Getting sex once every three weeks for a man would hide to stopsteroone bruh, no sis, Come on now, come like, come on, like, come on, like if we really think.
About it, not even an option over here.
Sex once every three weeks, that means there's fifty two weeks in the year. If you divide that by three, that means y'all having sex what sixteen times a year? Come on, bro, there's no way, there's no way. In here, and I'm gonna be honest too. It's unfair for anyone to ask someone else to be monogamous and while you being monogamous, deprive them of sex. That's unfair, that all woman, that's a fact. You can't ask someone to only be invested in you and don't share your sexual experts for anybody else. But then I'm only giving you sex sixteen times a year. There's three hundred and sixty five miles fucking days and year. All right, I just almost that.
But listen, y'all, this iud free deval is vezecting me up having the time of our life we have. So I will implore you to investigate whatever it is that you're putting into your body and also putting out, meaning like working out, investing in yourself, doing the things to make sure that you are your best self, because trust me, a lot of this shit is killing us slowly. And when I say that, I mean these birth control methods that we're putting in our body, not taking care of ourselves.
You're talking about mood.
Being affected and being tired, because why we just be sitting around not doing shit and not taking care of ourselves. And I say we as in the American culture. Like, there's so many other cultures that are doing way more for themselves physically and health wise than we are.
So so about investigating that movement helps you libido. It does.
So if y'all moved together, yeah, your sexual your sex drive will be higher. And when I mean moves together, I don't mean just go to the gym. Try hiking together. If you live where you can hike together, you'll see different sites. Kadina and I have some of our best sexual exploits when we were in different countries just seeing Remember when we went to Saint Lucia and we walked up the mountain. Yeah, man, we walked up that mountain. K fucked the ship out of me and I was.
Like, what what happens to come to the mountains up? I was locome to see the glory. Glory, y'all.
Good luck to y'all over there.
Because listening, we're always advocates for people trying to continue to make things work right all right. If you want to be featured as a listener letter, please short to email. Oh god, y'all, I can't talk to day. I'm tired, y'all.
Y'all see look at me today, I have one no makeup.
If you're watching on a patreoon, what you here listen to?
I mean, I feel like we're family at this point. Y'all are in our homes like this is just what it is. Sometimes you're gonna get me like tired, you know. But if you want to be featured as a listener letter, we're never tired of those. Email us at deadass Advice at gmail dot com.
That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot All.
Right, so we're talking new standards for wedding planning, wedding culture, being trash.
What is your moment of truth? You got for that.
Simple moment of truth? Tell them, don't fuck up the rest of your life trying to please everybody in your life for one day period period. That's it. Think about what I just said, don't fuck up the rest of your life trying to please everybody in your life for one day.
And my moment of truth is kind of a continuation of that. The wedding day, the marriage, everything is centered around you two. You two, So if you too are not able to go to bed at night next to each other amicably and in a good space with good positive energy, knowing that you're on the same page about whatever that wedding will look like, whatever that marriage will look like. If you can't do that, then you really have to reassess the why facts. Because the one day for social media or for the viral moment, or for the memories.
Take it from me, y'all, it's just not worth it.
Sometimes it's not.
But if you do think it's worth it, just be prepared to rebuild after the splurge facts.
And what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna help you out. I'm gonna read this outro because you've been struggling today.
I have been.
Be sure to find us on Patreon to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video content, and find us on social media at dead Ass the podcast. She's Kadeen. I am i Amdavao, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Now I'm going to take a nap. I love y'all.
Actually I can't take a nap. You had stuff to do with the kids. Back to being parents, huh.
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and is produced by Donor Pinya and Triple follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast, and never miss a thing
