Dead Ass with Khadeen and Devale EllisThe people are saying that millennials aren't hosting cookouts, family dinners, or upholding old traditions anymore. But is that true? In this episode, the Ellises discuss why it may seem like these new generations are losing recipes. Dead Ass.
Traditions are changing because the culture has changed.
Mmmm, dead ass, And the way I see it, I just don't be wanting mad people up in my house, know how, because my social battery be depleted. Okay, invite me somewhere that ass. Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days.
Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Were about to take philos off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
So story time, I'm gonna take y'all back to my childhood. And when I say childhood, this is when I was a teenager. It was barbecue and then huh, oh, you you know because when you met us. Yes, it was every weekend, every single weekend.
But I mean you could propose to me at a barbecue.
I did my brother's.
Was it Memorial Day?
It was his graduation.
Graduation barbie graduation barbecue.
But I take y'all back to when I was about fifteen sixteen, and this was the time when we stopped going to Tennessee because my brother and I were playing sports heavy in Brooklyn. So when the summertimes now, we were back home in Brooklyn, and every weekend in the summertime, my dad would just be like, yo, going to get some ribs, going to get some burgers, some sausages. Your mother's making macaroni salad and potato salad. But y'all gonna have to grilliz meat because it's hot out there, paused, and I'm not standing out there. And we used to be like bet and that became a routine every summer. Gavin, Kevin, me Brian, my cousin Devonne, my cousin Dorian, and my cousin Portion when she used to come in from Connecticut. We would all be in the backyard playing dominoes, playing spades. Every single weekend, and it was just like something we did to kind of keep us out the street, because realistically, back in those days, if you wasn't in the backyard doing something, you was in the streets doing something you wasn't supposed to. So my dad's whole thing was like, I'd rather my kids be where I can see them, Yes, And we would invite the whole block. We would invite all our friends, whatever team I was a part of, those teammates would be there, my brother's teammates would be there. And my sister was kind of young around this time. She was ten years younger than me, so she was like six or seven years old. She ain't really have no friends like that that could come over and barbecue, but her little friends from next door on the cole and from down the block a leadah, they would come in the backyard. And that's how we weild the community, you know. It was just a safe space for all the kids to come and just chill.
Shout out the scoop and mouth for feeding droves and droves and droves.
I don't know how they did that. I really don't know how.
I don't know either.
It was costcos every week too.
Yeah, that's why your mom's so tired now shout out, shout out to my because man, my girl will be tired. And I understand because I feel like that's my future.
Yeah, yeah, that's gonna be our.
House karaoke time. So we were conflicted about like what our karaoke song was going to be today, not really conflicted, but I feel like we should do both because they both made us think of family time, cookouts, traditions, events, gatherings as my island people would say a special all of.
Those things auspicious.
But but yeah, so do you want to go with your was first?
What do you think I should go? Mom first?
I'm gonna go first. And I was just so excited, Ready, ready, you can do it? Electric bookie woog wog. You can't do it. It's electric bookie wiggy woogie, and I know it. I don't even know the words, does anybody? I've got to move? I thank you and I'll teach you the electrics. Lie my mom electric slide champion, Okay. And it's just the way she does it with this little stush little face and the two hands be going and the hit and then it dropped forward and then pulled back on me. But my mom really I love it. But one thing, one thing, and any events we've had our moms definitely spearhead the electrics.
Li.
I almost banded at our wedding, but I said, you know what, I can't take that joy from our culture.
You can.
And then now I look very every excuse.
I'm over you electric slide on every song, I'm holding on you, electric slide.
I'm gonna throw that shoulder and bring it back all right now, And it's the kick and then the side. You know, what's your song. We'll reminds your cookouts and in all those things family events.
Well, it's cookouts, it's weddings. It's the end of every black movie. Does anybody know what it this?
Mm hmmmm mmmmmmmm hmmm.
It's like what.
I can see you when you all hey, even when you're talk it takes all men.
Hey, that is my jam yo.
That's a good one.
Oh, my goodness, my goodness. All right, before we go into some more song and dance, because we definitely have some other ones. I think on the on the island side of things, what would be like the one that we would do mostly that everybody gets on the dance floor. Oh, Matt's favorite, Oh Pa, shout out to Matt. Matt shot one too many weddings. He said, I can never hear that song again for the rest of my life, and it would be too soon. He's either that or the dollar line sent I sent Tencent Dolla. Hey speaking to Dallas. Let's go pay some bills and we're gonna come back and get into the meat of the show. Where are the traditions going? Are they going? Are they saying, we don't know, We're gonna talk about it. We'll be back, all right. So we're back and we are talking about traditions, gatherings, cultural, you know, get togethers. What's happening to those What kind of sparked my interest in this conversation was seeing essence posts about it because Memorial Day weekend typically tends to be the kickoff for you know, cookout season, barbecue season, lineman season, as we say in the Islands, you know, get together is the weather's perfect. You know, everybody's looking for somewhere to go, something to do outside. So yeah, I remember those those days I coming into your family and seeing that that was like a thing and it wasn't like a formal everybody get together kind of planned event. They kind of just happened and spiraled into these get together that became a thing. What y'all doing, What y'all doing is sod. Everybody being at home doing nothing? Come on, right? And I love that your parents created, like, essentially, what was a safe space for all of the local teenagers and all of our friends and whatnot. And we would be there till the wee hours of the morning and the only stipulation was that we had to make sure we cleaned up.
The sink.
Your father would thorough conniption, that was the case. And then all so too after a while. It's just like, yo, if you coming, don't come empty handed. Now, facts you better bring in case of soda.
Something back of hot dogs, bring bring something.
Bring something. But it was the camaraderie, right, And it's crazy because as you grow, I'm kind of wondering, is it becoming a lost art form? Is it that we are aging out of that age group where people get together often because we now have responsibilities and kids and our weekends are laden with sports and you know, there's so many different factors, but not just factors when it comes to just socialization, but there're economic factors absolutely, So what's your take on in baby?
The first thing I've noticed is even amongst my friends, right, I remember we were growing up, there was like, yo, where the party at? You know where's where? You know where the uncles at? You know what I'm saying, Like who house we going to? And it's like, nigga, we the uncles like they supposed to be looking to come to our house, y'all be.
Fighting this shit a mug now, Like, don't be calling me auntie. Y'all be calling me auntie in the comments. I'm like that that's part of the problem though, That's why I don't want to be an auntie.
But that's the problem. You're not embracing the fact that you have a responsibility to the community to open up your home so that the young people can come to your house and learn how to be the next Auntie. Too many aunties and uncles now are trying to act like young kids and they're still out in the streets.
That's that's one aspect.
I mean, can we push push, Let's just push the decade, like maybe when I'm like in my fifties.
Really really reading your fifties.
To be honest, our house is like, you're.
Gonna have grandkids in your fifties, says who absolutely. Jackson is thirteen. When you turn fifty, you'll be twenty three now, so in your fifties, he's gonna have a child. You're gonna be a grandmother.
I'm gonna be cute.
Yeah, you will be cute. You're gonna be a thick grandma. You get a thick grandma, and you're gonna be in the backyard making potato salad and macaroni salad. So these kids can come in here because I don't want my boys out in the street either.
No, I hear you.
I'd rather than be here, bro, I hear you.
That's why we have a kind of an open door policy with our boys and their friends. Now, I mean shit, all of out say anybody to be here all the time.
But it is, it is part of that, like it just and this is not you know, some of this as jokes, but this is the reality. Right, socio economically, things have changed for us as people. My parents got married at twenty one twenty two, had their first child at twenty two, right, and they were you know, set in their lifestyle as being family people. They both worked, but they had kids. Now people are having children later. They're having children mid thirties, you know. So now that they're having children mid thirties that time where my parents were being the auntie and uncle when they were their late children, our generation isn't doing that.
True.
And also social economically, you can't afford to have the whole community in your backyard right now, like property property value has risen. I think even the cost of purchasing a home or the amount of people own homes now has dropped since when our parents. So not only do the aunts and uncles not want to be aunt and uncles, they don't own properties to have people come over to have cookouts at as high rate as we did back in the eighties and nineties. That's just a fact.
And said that, yeah, for sure. Actually that's a perfect segue to some facts and stats. So, like I said, what sparked this idea for me today was looking at a social media post from Essence magazine that ax users what happened to the cookout and a ray of different responses were given, and here are some of them that I think are totally spot on. COVID Right, so some people are still not fully back outside and recovered from the effects of COVID. Food prices skyrocketing, clearly cutting family ties. Our generations are like, you know what, I ain't really want aunts to your uncle or grand so granda or grand uncle whoever.
So, but I'll push back on that. Okay, those people don't got to be invited to your barbecue anyway. That's sure you not having a barbecue because you're cutting family ties. There's not a reason to not have a barbecue your friends.
Right or are we having barbecues that just everyone is not, you know, going to be invited to? Yes, that's possible. Then there's also laziness, like he's got uber eats, you got door dash. It's just like, do I really want to go through the hassle of half to cook you know, from scratch? What also to I'll add to that. Well, I guess part of laziness. But another maybe bullet point would be everybody got a different food allergy. This person will eat that one, somebody vegan, somebody vegetarian. That's when you say, you know what, bring what you eating, what you drink? Let's pop look up in this bitch, because I don't have time for you and your allergies, lack of family values, our children's generation not having any cousins. Well, shoot, yeah, we know what cut Well we have cousins on one side. I don't mind. One user said, none of us know how.
To fade so but so this goes back to what we've been talking about all season, perception versus reality. You cannot listen to social media as to who is and who isn't having barbecues because we still have family cookouts and barbecues. We just had one for Mother's Day. I did, you know what I'm saying, Like, we still do that. And the truth of the matter is a lot of people that are having these conversations on social media, they're not the ones having family values. They're not the one that's not having cookouts. But the people who are having cookouts aren't on social media cooking out right, you know what I'm saying. So they're not even involved in the conversation. Because when you you asked me about the conversation, I was like, who not having cookouts? Because we still.
Because we still are.
Yeah, there's a perception and then there's a reality.
But I do think the reality is true, particularly when you brought up the property like, if you don't own a place, then where are we having these cookouts? But I mean also too, there's what public places like. You've used to see cookouts at the.
Park, at the park, Aluly No pull.
A grill out, everybody to state their claim in the grass.
In Brooklyn, see I View Park Always every weekend, there was a grill out there and there was families out there, So even people who couldn't afford properties back then. And when I say back then, I'm talking about ten years ago when you and I were living in Brooklyn. I worked at Pakplex. I had my sports performance program there. Dolo and I and Brian would be there and Saturday and we'd be training the kids and we'd do a leaf physique. But afterwards we'd leave there and we'd smell the food because Ceview Park was filled with people having.
Codd Yeah, CV Park and Narcipier. When you come off that belt park where you come around the bend, you see everybody outside. But to your point, since the nineties, the cost of living has more than double. So one dollar in twenty twenty four is worth two dollars and twelve cents back in nineteen ninety four, and since nineteen ninety four. Hours worked have fallen into the private sector and risen in the public sector, so the increase in hours may stem from restrictions on hiring in the sector. Additionally, the hours reported by self employed people have fallen over forty two hours per week to thirty seven in the latest data. Also, after decades of relative stability, the rate of US home ownership began to search in the mid nineties, rising from sixty four percent in nineteen ninety four to a peak of sixty nine percent in two thousand four.
See but that would make sense because remember ninety four to two thousand and four was when we remember your family bought a home in Canarsie.
My family bought a home in Canarsie in nineteen ninety three.
Yeah, my parents bought one in eighty seven.
So you see what I'm saying. That's what we grew up in that culture where our families were buying homes at a higher rate. So that's what we became used to, and it was like new, Like we got a house, let's have a barbecue.
And then the Census Bureau released is now the latest quarterly report for Q one of twenty twenty four shows that The latest home ownership rate is sixty five zero point six percent, which is the lowest has been in two years, because who can afford anything now anyway.
Also, let's not discount the world came to a halt in twenty twenty.
Because of covery happening.
There's still a lot of recovery that's only four years removed, a lot of people lost jobs, a lot of people.
That's going to their savings depleted. Absolutely, there's so much to recover from that that's not going to happen in uh.
You know, I think that's for the year, a decade of recovery, considering the fact that you know, we weren't We weren't stable by any means in twenty twenty. We weren't. Remember, we were also going through an election period. So anytime you're going through an election and there's a change and the powers that be, there's always a lot that goes on with the housing markets. We saw that with Obama in two thousand and eight, where we were struggling to pay all our bills. So you figure election cycle twenty twenty, pandemic happens. People were pretty much out of work until twenty twenty two.
That's when things started to kind of mp back up.
So now we're only two years removed from that, so people don't have the extra income to just say, hey, come to my house. These barbecues are expensive. I know. This is just me looking at the American Express. Bill Kadeen would go like, say we're having a barbecue. Kadean say, I'm going to go to Target. First, go to go to Target. That's going to be what five hundred dollars, right, and that's not food. The five hundred dollars is to make sure that there's toilet paper in all.
Of that, just like a lot of cups for all of those things.
Then it's we're going to go to there's no Costco out here, but.
Yeah, there's there is so Costco Stamps Club, you.
Know, bulk shopping when you do the bulk shopping for.
The whole home stool exactly the hint of maybe a public stor crogram random you know things, and maybe I'm not the side of the tree.
So that's twenty five hundred dollars for a day.
That's a fact that it made costs for you to have a barbecue, to have people over.
Well look at this here the retail costs of it. Let's get down to the actual meat of the show.
Of course, the.
Retail cost of the a pound of one ground beef was one dollar and forty eight cents per pound back in two thousand, I start back in nineteen ninety four. Today it costs what a whopping five dollars and thirty five since and that's not even organic beef. So good thing you and I find out we're allergic to the cow baby because yeah, passer by, passer by. So yeah, So many factors that are contributing to it from a socio economics standpoint, But like you said, there's probably small pockets of people who are still doing absolutely know, these cookouts and whatnot.
But there are also other factors. Divorce rates, marriage rates. I'm not sure exactly what the divorce rate looks like amongst Americans now, but I'm pretty sure or not even the divorce rate, but the amount of Americans who are married by the time they get to thirty has dropped. Okay, So I saw something there. They said lack of family values. I think a lot more people don't lack family values. They're just waiting. So now it's like, okay, we have a few friends, you know, and even when we look at our siblings, right, they're in their thirties now and now starting to get serious about finding a mate to settle down with and have a family, which also takes time. So since people are doing things later, there are a lot less children being had, there's a lot less people getting married at this time. So whereas when people used to get married late teens, early twenties, think about our grandparents. Your grandparents got married late teens, mine got married late teens, parents got married early twenties, your parents early twenties. As those generations start to do things later, So now it's like late thirties forties. That's almost like two generations of the previous generation. Because they did things teens to twenties, we're doing things thirties to forties.
Everything's getting pushed everything decade essentially.
Almost two decades. Think about getting married eighteen nineteen, but now you're getting married.
Threety five compared to our grandparents parents.
Getting married in twenty one, twenty two. Now that people getting married having kids in their forties.
Now, also to the family members who we relied on, being the cooks, the chief cooks, and bottle washers literally, those generations of people are now older. They're like they're the elders, you know, some are passing away, like we are now the ones who I think essentially have to grasp the torch for what's next.
Let me ask you a question, what is going to happen to humanity if we continue to put community and love and family values on the back burner for things that like matter more like social economics, Like you know what I'm saying that, Like it seems like, yeah, the world is shifting to a different place where everyone's so everyone is about capitalism.
Capitalism or also self very closed off. I think those couple of years that we were dealing with the pandemic as well too, just socially, some people haven't recovered from that. You know, even there's a generation, even the generation behind us. I look at how they communicate, How they can barely have a conversation with you without looking down or looking away. They can't even look you in the eye to have a conversation. Or you get them together and everyone's on their phones. You know. I look at the generation below us, so like some of our god children who are like in their late teens, early twenties, you know, because they're growing up now too, and it's like, man, it's like a struggle to just have struggle to have a conversation with them. When they get together, they don't even really converse and communicate. So I think a lot of those things are still the residual effect that we're feeling from having to deal with the pandemic.
You know, I just thought about this too, Like having this conversation often makes me not this conversation, but having conversation, but you often make me think about things that I haven't thought about. When I was a kid, we had a family reunion every other year. I think about who was the patriarch in the Zimmerman Ellis family. Every other year we would go to Pennsylvania, or we would go to Orangeburg, South Carolina, and we would have a family reunion, and people from all over the country would come in.
When's the last time you had a family reunion?
Kh really to be honesty, grandma's funeral.
That's the only only time families get.
Together literally been that. And every time we get to these funerals, unfortunate events, it's oh, man, we really have to meet under these circumstances. Really got to do better. And then life be life in and people go back to their their their sides of the ring, and it doesn't essentially happen.
I got my moment.
We have to be super deliberate about that if it's something that we want to continue.
I got my moment of truth, and this is this is just for the world, not just for us, like us too, but for the world. Like I'm really starting to see how older people, I guess, Dank, I'm forty nine, so I feel old. How older people when I was younger used to used to speak and I'll be like, and this old man just be talking and talking, and like, don't nobody think like that no more. But now I understand them. No, I understand why it's so important and why it was important for them to have a relationship or a bridge with the younger generation. And now that I'm a part of that older generation, I see the importance of having that bridge. But it doesn't see that younger It doesn't seem as if the younger generation is interested in having that bridge with us.
You're absolutely right, you know. When my grandmother passed away, even prior to that, one of my aunts on my mom's side, she's just like you know, guys, we have to Like she's trying to encourage in the family group chat. There's a family group chat that's like intergenerational, right, so it's my mom generation, my generation then like the younger folks. And she was just like, you know, we have to be deliberate about planning some sort of family get together. Were you then once a year, like can we please just like put a day on the calendar? And everyone tried to get together in one space, but I think they're seeing the detriment of the glue, right, essentially, the glue of those families now who are passing on. It's like who's going to be the next person? And we are in that space now where I'm like, okay, I don't mind helping to spearhead a reunion. But then it's like pulling teeth trying to get the rest of the family on board. You know, you put stuff in the group chat, Hey, y'all this chat, and then people just don't want to chat back, you know. But it's like how long do you want to put up with that struggle? And that's why Deval and I make an effort to just say, you know what, whoever we're in contact with regularly. Hey, it's people who are close by, you know, come on over. You know, our kids' friends, come on over. We have an open door policy in a sense for that which makes things. You know, it feels good. It feels good when we get together.
And something else though, that we didn't even consider. Right, we haven't had a family reunion in my family in years. But you know what my father, who's the patriarch of our family, does, he plans a trip to go away. You know what has changed for Black Americans and Black Caribbeans our ability to do things other than just go back in the backyard and barbecue. Back in the day, that used to be the only escape. But now we all get together and we travel out of the country. Think about it.
Think about it.
The amount of people who travel now in this country, Black Americans and Black Caribbeans has increased. It has increased. I forgot where I watched it, but more Black people now during the summertime are taking their children out of the country than they ever did years prior. And when I think about my parents, they took us out of the country maybe once a year, but we went to Canada and we went somewhere close because both My parents worked, so there was never a time where they could get five or six days off to go anywhere too per far, but we would go to the Poconos, which is not out of the country, but that was how we traveled. As generations of kids learn more things and aspire to do more things, our idea of how we want to spend our time has changed.
That's actually a pretty good one. I didn't think of that. So that means that it's not just reduced to barbecue cookout, we get together. It's just like, let's get together and travel. There are travel pages on Instagram that are dedicated to black travel, you know what I mean. And I think that's great. Like a couple people who I know recently I spoke to were just like, yo, I don't even have a passport, and I'm just like, it's unfathomable for me. Like in twenty twenty four, you're an adult and you don't have a passport. I'm like, yo, get that passport and do things and get together playing. There's like even group clubs that are travel clubs where it's like someone is spearheading the trip. So that's a really good point. Like it doesn't cool to be the cookout, cook me out on a beat somewhere.
I just changed.
I just changed my moment of thought, moment of truth. I just changed it because I had a moment of truth.
And then through speaking the old moment of truth, the old moment of.
Truth is that the first thing was that family values are being lost.
That was my first moment of truth.
And I feel like it was going to be cyclical, right, Like, for example, and we watch over time quote unquote, the feminist movement was huge. And then while when the feminist movement was huge, like in the seventies and it became really really big, it seemed like in the eighties, the eighties and early nineties it kind of went back to like those moms that we aspired to be, like like the fresh Prince of bel Airs mom Aunt viv Or Claire Huxtable. Right, But then we go to the two thousands and it was I'm a boss bitch, you know, I don't need no man. But now we're going through what the soft girl era where girls are like, no, I'm tired of being a soft bitch who.
Fought for the who fought for the right to work because we didn't want.
To right, like the change is now happening, and I feel like this is going to be just as cyclical where it was like, Okay, we were doing barbecues for a while, we're doing barbecues for whiles, like let's do something else, what's new. And now we're traveling more, we're doing different things, and I think it's going to come a point where it'll be like, yo, let's go back.
To doing what brought us all together.
So my initial moment of truth was that family values are being lost and we should all try to get back there so that we can, you know, rain our kids back in.
That was my initial, but I changed it now, so I got some different.
You got some different some different heats us. So that's funny because one of the questions that I was going to talk about too is how people stay connected outside of or beyond just hosting lookouts, And that's probably one of the ways that people do it as well any other different traditions that we're practicing. I'm trying to think like, even with our boys, I don't travel, is a big thing for us to you know, and still just making an effort to get together I think is still super important at least enter generationally.
Yeah, I do also notice this parties I don't see as many block but that's also because community is lost. You know, there's there's people who live places for years and don't know their neighbors. When I was growing up, I knew everybody on my block, every around the corners, if it wasn't walking distance, I knew who lived in that house, and I knew which kids lived there, and I could ring the doorbell and ask if they can come outside.
And we looked forward. I mean every year we looked forward to the Black Party. We lived directly across the street from our block association leaders, so that's how we actually had block associations back then. And you know there were people who had little committee that got together and they had their monthly meetings about what we wanted the block to look like and feel like. In the camaraderie events. I remember Missus Brown. She looked aross the street from us, and she would host like Halloween parties and that was ways for us to get together as kids.
Well, look at that. People don't even trick a treat like they used to.
I mean, because it's scariest fuck. Now you can't even do anything. You can't even have a block party in Knarcia or whatever because you're worried about like gang violence or people driving behind And it was non But it.
Was the same thing in Bedsty.
It was the same thing in Crown Heights and in Flatbush in the nineties and people still went outside.
That is true. Like the fact that has changed as old as you get older.
Yeah, I mean I think that as you get older and you see life happen, it changes your perspective. But I personally don't think life is any more dangerous now than it was back then. My grandmother used to tell me this all the time, right, and shout out to my Nanna because she was the most honest person I knew, and that she went through Alzheimer's, she started to be more honest, and she used to say to us. She used to say to me and my father and my brother that we just complained about everything.
Yeah, complained about everthing. 'all worried about? Shall worry about that?
She's like, when I was growing up, we had to actually be worried about not getting home because someone could be lynched. If there were a group of kids outside and they were all black. Living in the Confederate South, they had to be concerned about one of them kids being grabbed and if that child was grabbed, there was nothing you can do about it. That was a real fear that that that they and they watched people be lynched and they were going through things, and they're like, now you're complaining about what, And when I think about it, it's like, you know what, we don't have to deal with those issues. We never lived through a World war, we never lived through the Great Depression, Like these are things that my grandmother actually lived through. So she looks at us and be like, y'all are complaining about what, And when I think about.
It, like you complaining about what you got video games, all the things that you need.
We need to stop making excuses and actually just make things happen. If you want to make it happen, curate the life that you want for your kids and your family. That's all it's about.
To The question be who comes to the cookout? Who gets invited to the cookout? Is it now based on who makes the best tata salad, who grows the mess meat.
Who don't disturb my piece? That's who comes to the freaking cookout? Because I will order applia bowl from from Uber eats and be just fine on a Saturday.
You are absolutely right. We literally are just like, who can come here and just chill. We don't have to worry about hosting too much because we are so having to host and be on all the time. I don't feel like doing that at home.
Is this This episode ends whateven.
This episode airs in September, so we're getting to the end of summertime, that labor daytime. This is when people start to have those barbecues because they know that the weather is about.
To change and they're wrapping up.
So and then when I think about that and we think about who we're gonna invite over here, it's probably about a handful of people.
That's a fact. That's a fact. That's if we invite people, because sometimes we were crowd in itself between us and our kids.
No, if we go anywhere it's us and four little people, then we got to bring help. So it's two parents. So that's that right, there is what eight eight of people? Yeah, I feel uncomfortable going to people's house. It's with eight people. Sure, you know what I'm saying, Like, I feel I'm We're a old party in the South.
That's a fact. Party over here, Party over here. All right, y'all, let's take a quick break and we're gonna move into my favorite portion of the show, listen letters, after we get into these ads, So stick around. All right, now we're back. Let's dive into these listener letters that we have for this episode. Hey, Ellis's I have a fiance that I adore and we have a daughter together, and I think he's an amazing person, but he's very unreliable. I can't depend on him to be on time because he's always late by several hours. I can't depend on him financially because he's always in a bad situation quote unquote, So I'm mostly taking care of our daughter on my own. He claims that he just needs time to learn to be more financially stable. He just started a full time job after four months of unemployment. But at this point, I'm starting to think it's arrested development. I know we all need transition time, but this is ridiculous. PS. He's thirty eight with four exclamation points. I'm thirty four. We share one child, but there are a total of six children all together from previous relationships. So ya got a gang like this overall, I need a partner, and to me, he's more of a dependent. Let me know your thoughts. Yikes, arrested development. That was a group back in the day.
Right, Yes, yes, that's what you got reading that.
That's the only thing she got out of that arrested development.
Is it everyday people?
Free day people?
Yes, I said that, that was my arrested development.
That was a really good song, I remember, but I've never actually heard the term using a sentence really, so I'm just like, wow, arrested development.
Let me help this young lady out. This is the biggest thing. Right, People don't understand this. We've said this, We've done a whole podcast on this. Right, marriage is a business. The institution of marriage, when created by people by the state, was created for families to share assets and to properly create create a place where their assets can be extended to their children. That's what people really need to understand, Like, why does a woman take a man's name? Why does this have to happen this? Why are their laws generated around the institution of marriage that require taxes? And it's because it's a business. And if you try to separate that part of marriage and ignore it, because the business aspect is important, you will find yourself in an unhappily in an unhappy marriage and can enter your doom.
Well, yeah, that's true. The number one reason why people have issues this financial stuff. So, as my mom said, love can't pay the bills.
And I'm not gonna you know, people talk about this all the time.
When institutional marriage was created by God, yes it was, but so it was bills. Bills was created by God, and those bills have to be paid by the people who are married together. So God didn't expect us to just get into a marriage and just ignore the fact that there are real life, true responsibilities. The fact that they're engaged and not married yet means they need to utilize this time as fiances to figure out how to get into a better financial space so they can exist together and be life partners together, not life dependents.
Like what's the plan? That's what I will ultimately like when I read this, I'm like, Okay, what is the plan? Are you guys having the discussion about what is the week to week plan, what is the month to month plan, what is the year to year plan? What's five years from now going to look like? Because she said he just started a full time job after four months of unemployment? Was it four months of unemployment after having another job that he was dismissed from or left or whatever for whatever reason? But is he holding down a job? Is it something that's lucrative? Is it something that's buildable? Does it have some kind of latitude? Will be able to will he be able to move, you know, up in the company or the job, Like, those are things that need to be discussed.
I hear all of that, kay, But this is what also, people need to start having this conversation. What do you require in life from your partner and what do you require from me? Those are conversations that people are not having when we hear these these stories. I'll have a fiance, but he not doing this, so she's not doing that. It's like, how did y'all get to the engagement part without having that conversation in the dating process that sounds like this and it may be a little bit upfront, but this is the truth.
Hey, I'm deval, I'm looking to date deliberately.
I feel like in the next couple of years I would like to start a family, possibly a family of four. The sex of the children doesn't matter, but possibly a family of four. This is my credit score. This is how much money I earn. What's your credit score? What does your life look like as an earner and a mo If you want to have children? I like to have sex? This many times a week? How many times a week do you like to have sex? Do you like? These are now? Four? Yes?
Okay?
Because I would want to put it all on the table and let it be like, this is what I need, this is what I require. Please let me know what you need and what you require so that we can sit down and say, hey, we our life works and synergies where we can build something together.
We're looking for similar things. I'm looking for someone who can help facilitate these things. And yeah, I want to be that willing participant to help you facilitate those things in life.
And on top of that, I'm attracted to you. You attracted to me. Let's fuck while we do this. That's what relationships are, right, what we did. We're business partners that are creating a union together and creating a lifestyle that we can live office together, and we're going to enjoy each other's company and bodies together. Because that's the safest way for us to explore our sexual exploits and build together by doing it just us too.
That's what dating should be.
That's not everybody happy.
And it would be that way if more people approached it that way, But people don't approach.
It that way because mirrors facades and what can I get for myself right now in this moment.
And they're afraid to say, well, if I come across like that, then that person may get afraid. Well, then that's not that's not the person for you. Then, Like if you come across like that and that personality is too much, and it's like, okay, well if you think that's too much, you not the type of person that I don't want to build a life with anyone less.
Yes, if I'm too much, go find less.
That's the truth.
But yeah, that's that's a good point you made, because it's like, how do we get here? How is he a fiance when.
He's doing all these things and they already have a child.
And she didn't say how long they were together yet, but they do cheer one child together.
And six totals, so they like fucking both of them, you know what I'm saying. So it's clear that they're infatuated with each other, which is great. But since you are infatuated, let's sit down and carve out the adult part of this.
You know, people just be out here doing shit. Y'll just be doing stuff and not really like thinking about it, like really thinking it through.
And the truth is, since we've been talking about generations, who and our generations told us to do this, nobody Because there was no man in my life who told me how to approach this like this, and.
There's no woman in your life.
So we can't even blame people for living like this because no one is telling you how to do it.
Welcome today's podcast, y'all, where we're trying to give y'all. We're trying to give y'all tea y'all game. You know what I'm saying. That's a fact, So good luck to you, says, Go back and have these conversations to reassess if this really should be your husband fact or not. All right, all right, question number two, you want to read this one? Baby?
I got you baby. Hello, Kadeen and Duval. I am a Patreon supporter and came to your live podcast in atl and have grown to love y'all, more and more each day.
Thank you, Patre.
God has truly placed a heavy purpose on your lives, and you all are walking in it daily and helping others. You didn't even know you were helping you for so much. Man, My question is regarding keeping the spark in relationship, especially when you've been together for a long time, but also when health issues are involved. Me and my husband have been together for seventeen years, married ten and have three wonderful kids.
God bless you guys.
For the past year, I have struggled with being happy in the bedroom and sex in all aspects have changed for me. I'm not really into sex anymore or it's quick and don't get me wrong, I love a quickie as long as it's good and we both get off well. My husband can't maintain a strong heart on he has diabetes. Who already know what this is? I could tell you what this is. We've been talking about. He has diabetes and is now struggling with ed I think, but he has not gone to the doctor to confirm what it is and always comes up with excuses on why he couldn't stay hard, even when using viagra. It has become annoying and a turnoff to the point where us having sex every day has turned into once or twice a month. Maybe my question to Kadeen is, with Deval having a high sex drive from the beginning, how did you match that? Was it something you learned and adapted as y'all grew or did you have the same sex drive as him? Deval and Kadeen, If there were ever any issues with sex in your marriage, how did y'all come to a conclusion or resolution together? I need help as I love my husband and I don't want this to be a big issue or in our marriage, but he has to. Oh but he too has to want to make the right changes in effort to cure his ed. If that is indeed what it is your advice please?
Oh well, anybody who's been listening knows that we've had our fear share when it gives to sex issues.
But our issues with sex issues were never frequency and they were never quality of sex. It was always how we get to sex and what the sex would look like. But I will say this though, about what she's talking about from a health standpoint. As men get older, right, and we continue throughout life eating shit, not working out, not taking.
Care of our bodies.
I know you're going to go there.
You said he's diabetic. Diabetic diabetes affects your blood sugar. It also affects your blood flow. If you don't work out and you have to take medication for your diabetes, that medication can often affect your erections. The best way for him to cure the ED would be to exercise and to eat healthier. What helped me over the past year. If you guys have been watching, my body has changed, my face has changed. I've lost weight, I've gained muscle. I stop eating as much dairy, right, And when I say stop eating as much, I am not a vegan.
I never just stop things cold turkey.
I changed my lifestyle, which means before when I used to eat bacon, egg and cheese every morning, or bacon eggs and grits, or bacon eggs and fringe toes. Now it's I'll have a fruit plate, a fruit platter, or I'll having a sye bowl, which is no dairy. Dairy eliminates your body from inflammation. Inflammation causes your back to hurt your needs joints. When you become inflamed, you can't move and work out. So now you can't move and work out. Over all of the years of inflammation, you just feel like I can't the workouts I used to do, I can't do. So now you no longer pushing your body the way your body used to be pushed. When you don't push your body as a man, you know what drops testosterone. That's why when people say why is niggat de vous still squatting and deadlifting and hang cleaning like he's in the NFL.
And hanging on to me like That's exactly.
Why, because I understand as a man, her sexual peak hasn't gotten here yet. I want to be prepared that when you see what you see eye, I want to be prepared for when that happens. Because I put a lot of pressure on my wife to be there for what I needed from our twenties to thirties. It's only fair for me as a man to prepare my body that I can maintain this when.
She's going through her sexual peak.
So when she's tapping my shoulder in the middle of the night, I don't want to have to be like damn, like am I ain't work out in two weeks. I just had twelve oreos. I've been eating all these pork rods. No, I want to be like, Yeah, I had a syeball, I have my ginger shots. Turn around as wood. He is ready for you, like, And to be honest, this is conversation.
Been welcome to the fourth floor.
Yes, this is the conversation's men are not having with each other.
And holding each other accountable too. Because you definitely have a strong group of friends, you're all like, be like, bro, you need to get it together. Yep, you need to get on this. And I've been doing the same thing with my girls. Like you know, we talked about in previous podcasts how hormonally things were off for me for a long time. So to answer your question, having a sex high drive for a high sex drive from deval, I was never able to match it. I feel like I'm still technically not really able to match it either. But having read my body of certain foods that I know were inflammatory, having rid my body of any kind of birth control or hormonal you know, things that made things either escalate or de escalate drastically, that has definitely been a good start for me to kind of get back to the baseline of like where do I where am I hormonally how does it make me feel? And I've been feeling great, so though I know sometimes we have to meet at this kind of middle ground because Devo says, you know, shoot, I can have sex several times a day and I would be satisfied. And I'm like, okay, I'm good with like four times a week. You know what I'm saying. So someone's always having to like sacrifice a little bit.
But can we talk about though the differences Like this may be a little bit explicit, but it's dead ass podcast. Right. This is the mindset for me and Kadeen. Kadeen and I haven't seen each other for a week. I'm filming. She's some way doing something right. We get together, We have sex. We going at it thirty minutes like athletes. We doing every position. We go on our bone to bang. We both climax, Oh, it's amazing. Kadeen's first thought process is, oh, just climax. I'm so good. I'm good right.
My first thought process, I'm climax.
I want to experience that again, like again, right now. And that's that's the difference in two people who have been sexually pleased. But her body is built different than my body, and as you get older and you learn to have empathy for other people and realize that the world isn't just, you know, created around what you need and you desire. You start to understand like, you know what my partner needs this while I need that, And we have those constant conversations even now. So the difference is we don't complain about our sex life no more because we're able to. For example, like last week, I was in a little bit of a bad mood because then comes downstairs in gym and she goes, I get it. We didn't have sex two days because you left and then you came back and then I fell asleep. I got you tonight and I was like, no, it wasn't just about the sex, but I mean, like I also didn't get to see my wife, like we weren't intimate. I didn't get to hug you up and squeeze them cheek. You don't do well when I don't have intimacy in my life. And I don't know if this is a lot of men, but this is me. If this woman walks by me in a hall and she don't toop that butt up for me to smack it, or she don't rub by me, or she don't just come kiss me.
I start to feel away. I just start to feel away.
And then once I start to feel away and a day goes by and she's not just hey, baby, how you doing Now, I'm in a bad.
Mood, bad mood.
And then even when we have sex, I'm still in a bad movie.
Like you just nodded, we recover from this. I'm like I thought I knew what it was. But it's also like being so in sync with each other now that we just know, like we know what those triggers are, we know what those moments are, and I can decide for when Diva, I was just like you know, in a bad move because like something may have happened, or just like work or anxiety or like all the things of life happening in his brain. Or it's just like, oh, he just misses me and he's trying to pick a fight.
But also I don't let you, but no, you don't let me pick the fight so much.
But also she also doesn't run from It's gonna sound crazy, but she also doesn't run from what her responsibilities are as my wife, the same way I don't run from my responsibilities. Last night, we're preparing. You know, we're preparing the film and I have a thousand things going on. She sees that I'm more in cloud nine. I haven't been smoking.
It wasn't really cloud and I you weren't like in a good place.
I wasn't. Yeah, I wasn't in a good place at all. But I haven't been smoking either, and I've been traveling a lot, so she knows. And she was just like, she comes over to me, she rubs my lap, she looks at me. She said, you need me to take care of something. And I was just like, I was like, nah, I got everything because I'm not even focused on what she's saying. I'm reading my scripts and she's like, hey, hey, let me handle that no real quick. When we slobed and I started laughing at her, and she's just and I'm just like, yes, though I need it.
But actually when it clicked.
But what I was trying to say, but seriously, when people ask like, how do you guys keep the fire? We keep the fire by knowing my partner, looking at her, her looking at me, and saying my partner needs something, like what's going on. We don't ignore the fact that my partner is here. And sometimes that moment isn't well, we're gonna do it later with no It's like baby coming here real quick, let me take care of It's real for you because I see you. You know what I'm saying like this, It's those impromptu times where we take care of each other. You know.
What I've also been deliberate about now, too, is maintaining and creating a safe space for you to say how you feel. And I want to encourage this young lady to do that with her husband as well too, because something like ed I can imagine. I'm not a man, but I can imagine it's something that is sensitive, could be a sensitive topic.
Sensitive, but sensitive? Did you say sensitive?
I don't even think there's a word that you can use to describe what men go.
To them embarrassing. You know, it's not something that you would be proud of.
That's or it almost like I would say, I would equate it to a woman's ability to have children. If someone takes that away from you, now you can no longer have true you know how you feel like, damn, what is my purpose? Or feels I feel less than for a man, it's like to have an erection to be able to impregnate a woman is part of what makes you a man, and when that part of your body doesn't work, especially with everything in the world telling you, you know, your manhood is predicated on how many women you can do.
And how big you are and how long you last.
If you can't get an erection, and even when you do, you can't get a full erection, and it's I won't even say embarrassing, it's like life threaten and you feel like I am not myself. That's why there's no word that I can say.
They've been together seventeen years, married ten three children, so it's like they're people who used.
To get they.
Used to get it in. So it could be also that he's in denial about the whole diabetes thing like that. I feel like getting to the root of the problem would definitely help you guys outside. I would encourage you sis to, you know, create a safe space to have that gentle conversation with him because it is a sensitive topic.
Also, blood pressure medication. Most blood pressure medications affect men down there. That's why a lot of black men don't like to go to the doctor and they don't like to be on that medication. I lost one of my uncles that way, right, his high blood pressure, high blood pressure, didn't want to take his medication because he wasn't able to do the things he wanted to do with His wife went to sleep one night and died, and when she woke up, she was so mad. She said, I can't believe you left me. You left me because you wouldn't He went and went in that cabinet and saw all those pills in that bottom and say he wasn't taking his medication. And it's a scary thing for men. There's something that we have to learn how to be proactive and not reacting, and it's something that.
Could be so basic. Like even my dad has high blood pressure and he takes medication for it. And he got in some blood work back that show that he needed to drink more water. He was dehydrated and he's been drinking a gallon of water a day. The boys have literally been on him. We got him a jug. They wrote Papa on it.
Yep.
And let me tell you the in his tail about drinking his water. Didn't drink your water, hopper. Three o'clock, it's just three o'clock, and it's five o'clock. And you didn't drink your water, but he was. He was on it, drinking the water daily. And he was like, you believe I checked my blood pressure the past three days and I didn't have to take.
My medication, not one time.
And he's seventy.
That is seventy one, seventy one. And he looked, he was so surprised, and I was like, see something as simple as taking care of yourself and drinking water water.
He started walking twenty minutes on the treadmill, right, he started changing, you know, his diet and the things that he was eating.
And this is what we are employing for a lot of men.
This is this is one thing my ministry is going to be for the rest of my life, is that all of the things that we were told about our health and then being hereditary is not true.
It's cultural.
Yeah, Black people are more predisposed to certain things because in our culture we eat certain things.
The cookout.
What we were just talking about, the cookout soul food. The Boondocks did a parody are on soul Food and said that man, you watch soul food. Man, Big Mama died from the same thing that we keep eating. And an app she died they made a dinner and they ate the same things that killed Big Mama, which was so true though like she died of diabetes, she died from complications of diabetes from eating all of this super enriched sugar and salty food. And for people who understand history, the reason why our food has always been enriched with sugars and salt is because the enslaved people were always giving scraps. And when you're giving scraps, in order to be able to get through it things to it, you add sugar. My parents are from the South. We used to make a sauce called mopping. Mopping was ketchup, mustard, garlic, powder, onion powder, salt, pepper, sugar, and vinegar and they would put mopping.
On ris and they would dip it in chitlings.
I remember the first time I think it was on your father gave it.
But then when you look at just ketchup alone, three tablespools of ketchup is more sugar than a crispy cream donut. So now you have a half a gallon of ketchup mixed with mustard, and you put more sugar in that, and that's what we use to baste all of our meats in Yeah, and now we ingest that for from the time where young kids twenties, thirties, Yeah, you're gonna have diabetes, and.
Now not working out either exactly and not working out, just pricing the fact that we're not taking care of ourselves.
Because the truth of the matter is the enslaved people could eat like that because they will be making in the field. Oh my god, so their bodies all they did, they burn that.
That's why when you look back on that generation and people live until eighty ninety years, oh yeah, because they were working.
They're working.
They were working. So good luck to you, sis. I hope you and hope you get to the root of yah.
Got it?
What's happening? Y'all got this? Seventeen years together, a ten married, three beautiful children. Congrats to you, guys, and I wish you find a solution. All right. If you want to be featured as a listener letter, email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. We love to hear from you.
That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All right, now, moment of true time, we're talking where did the cookouts go? Where are the cultural family traditions? Are they becoming obsolete?
Yes? First of all, fuck the moment of truth and what I was gonna say, I'm gonna take this opportunity right now to give you your flowers me. Yes, because I've been filming, I've been going a lot, and you've been running dead ass podcast like a freaking pro Oh.
Thank you.
You've been killing it. You've been getting guests, You've been like even even today. This is for those who don't know. We do a lot of shows sometimes and one day because of our filming schedule, and this is the third show we have to do today, and you're here just as energetic and vibrant, and you had shows to do yesterday and you were an energetic and vibrant in them shows yesterday, and baby, I just love you for holding it down.
Thank you. I love you.
That's moment of truth.
I love that. Thank you so much. Thank you, and thank you for always you know, freaking pouring into me and just letting me know like you pour into you in so many ways and I receive it.
You always received.
No.
Really, like this is really giving me a space to kind of like rework that muscle, like y'all went to school for journalism. Haven't used that degree technically, I guess I haven't kind of used it in podcasts and whatever, but just not as a solo you know mission. So thank you and to the team also for like really just speaking that life to me. And thank y'all for listening and cheering me on as well, and people saying, yeah, okay, I can see you with your day time shall show girl time talking about so I appreciate that. Thank you and I love you and uh yeah, so my mom went to truth. I don't even remember what it was now because you got me all my feelings. But talking about cultural traditions and all that good stuff. You know, let's just keep on keeping on for the sake of our children. We do want them to have a sense of community, a sense of family, a sense of what it means to get back to the root, where there's safe spaces are where they can just lo that they can get together, they can congregate with their friends and with their cousins and with family members, and it's okay to create what your own family looks like now too. Write making sure that that safe space and that tradition and that you know, cookout or whatever it may be. That trip is surrounded with people who will love on and recharge your battery and not drain it. Okay, okay, all right, y'all. Be sure to follow us on Patreon. We love to see y'all over there, where you get exclusive dead Ass podcast content and more Ellis Family content as well, and you can find us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast, I'm Kadine, I Am and I.
Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe, and also make sure you get your copy of We Over Me, The Content Intuitive Approach to getting everything you want out of your relationship. The paperback copies are out and now dead Ass Cut. Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and it's produced by Donor Opinia and Triple. Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never Miss a Thing
