Abbas Momin is back, and Cyrus wastes absolutely no time, fat shaming him within the first 40 seconds. Classic. It's also Abbas's 38th birthday, which he's celebrating the way all single men approaching 40 do: a movie with two friends and zero romance prospects. We're basically his therapy session at this point.

This week we tackle the big stuff, RCB selling for ₹16,000 crore (Vijay Mallya is somewhere crying into his beer), a Pune eatery taking on world peace one LPG surcharge at a time, and Dhurandar 2, which Abbas sat through for four hours and lived to regret. Ranveer Singh is shirtless. Sanjay Dutt points at his crotch. You've been warned.

Also on the menu: 46,000 mangrove trees, Mohamed Salah's Liverpool farewell, a Statue of Liberty in Jalandhar wearing a saree, and Abbas accidentally revealing his Grindr situation on a podcast that his family definitely watches.

Happy birthday, Abbas. This is the worst gift we could give you. You're welcome.

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