Oh hello, I feel like it's been so long since I've talked to this mic, though it's only been like ten days. Welcome to Crying in Public. I am your asthmatic sounding host, Sydney Winter. Welcome back, Welcome back. So you're probably wondering why there was an episode last week if you didn't catch the end of last week's episode. So I'm in law school and the only upside of that is that I still have spring break, like I'm an undergrad. So I was in Africa for I think ten days, so I obviously couldn't bring like my entire recording set up to Africa, and I guess I could have prerecorded, but at the time that I didn't come to my head. So I'm going to need two episodes this week, one today and one this weekend to kind of make up for not posting last week. But I must say that Africa was the best thing that could have happened to me, and it came at the perfect time, So no regrets there. I'm going to do a longer episode on my experience there, just because it was like the most insane ten days I've ever had, but somehow it turned out to be like the best trip I could have imagined. So I'm gonna do like more of a deep dive into what happened because I got some crazy stories how that was is my first time going to Africa, so I don't know, I probably have like googly eyes, but it was a great experience. And if you listen to the last episode, this is a part two of that episode, and we're talking about taking the first step, so that means therapy, mental health, nutrition, YadA YadA yah. And I think that this trip came at such a specific time and it was so needed because, as I discussed last episode, I started therapy recently recently. I literally mean I had like my intake session the week before I left for Africa, so I had like a little bit of next and a break in between getting my initial thoughts out there before having my actual like first appointment or first treatment session. And what's so funny is that during your like your first therapy session, at least for me, it wasn't like we were like getting into the weeds or anything. It was more so just like a list of questions to get to know me, to get to know my history. How long I've been feeling sad, what my childhood was like what I'm struggling with right now. Things like that justs so I can have like a very service level idea of what kind of treatment I need or what I'm hoping to get out of therapy. So it's like very routine basic questions they ask everyone. Mind you, I am a cancer and I'm also like extremely emotional, so I was sobbing the entire time. I know that Miss therapist was like, girl, this is really the first session, Like, you gotta relax. So it felt very very heavy that week. Because I'm still coping with my pcos I was gonna say diagnosis, prescription diagnosis. I don't know why prescription came to mind. My pcos a diagnosis, which we're still not one hundred percent on, but it's like ninety eight percent show that I have it. So just managing symptoms, freaking out what that means for me, what it means in general, trying to figure out the best course of treatment for myself, and dealing with all the symptoms on the side. So I think just dealing with that while I'm working, while I'm in school or ritning my note, which is like your law school thesis. I think it was just like a very very heavy time. So when I had therapy right before I left, I think I just wasn't crying because of the questions that they were asking, because they were particularly a deep diving or anything like that. I think just with the weight of everything happening at the same time, I just like needed to have a release, and it felt like on Zoom with Doctor Girl felt like the moment apparently, so I think I was just like really really ready for a break. And not only was a spring break, but I had this after trip coming up, and I wasn't going on vacation. I was actually doing a pro bono caravan, which I think I explained last episode. Basically, when you want to take the bar exam to become a lawyer, you have to have fifty hours I think of community service or what we call pro bono, which is like free legal work, and then same thing to graduate Columbia Law you have to have I think forty hours. So this trip was the forty hours for me. We went to work with their government on creating the framework for their first Technology and Innovation Bill, and I want to do tech an ip law, so it felt like a perfect opportunity to kind of handle that, and the Minister of Technology is actually one of my old friends from Columbia, so it's great to see her, etc. Like I said, I'll go into a deep dive of like the particulars of this trip, but I think it was like the most perfect work life balance. Like the work that I was doing, I was actually putting what I learned in law school into practice, but also combining my interests or passions with policy and politics, with community needs to knowledgy IP, etc. So I think doing work that didn't feel like busy work but was like actually going to make a difference in someone's life felt kind of refreshing, kind of compared to being in classes all week. But also we were not working the whole time, like we were going out, we were partying, we were meeting people. I found, I got to rest. I was sleeping eight hours a night, which I never do here. And I think, just like being in warm weather, being around a group of people who I didn't really know super well but were such great fun people to be around, just be honestly the best experience possible. And I'll get into this again in the other episode, but it weirdly did so much for my personal confidence. And I didn't realize this really until yesterday, which I'll get into in a second, But I think this was literally the first time ever in my life I've been in a space or a business or a country where every single person looks like me and has my body type and has my features. And they they were all such beautiful people, not just physically, what I mean intrinsically, like they were so caring, so opening, opening, so open, so warming. They welcomed us into their homes, they welcomed us into their friend group, et cetera. So I just, I don't know, I just felt so beautiful and comfortable and welcomed in my own skin, which I've never ever felt in the space I've been in the US, like growing up in Florida, even being in New York, where like there are more people that look like me. I think just being in spaces where I'm not the dominant person. It just it was a crazy experience. And I think that since I've been back, I've just felt so much lighter and happier and more confident in myself, both academically, professionally, personally, et cetera. But what made me think about this and walking into the episode kind of segueing from this conversation. But I was at this event a couple of nights ago for the law school that was about desirability politics and not to get into the about that, but basically the way that our as women, and cescially as women of color and as black women. This kind of applies broadly to different types of people, but the way that our hair and our bodies, the way we dress, the way we speak, the way we act is so policed in certain spaces. So it's kind of like an open roundtable discussion about that the law school that I wasn't actually planning on going to, but I was like, you know what, let me just sit in and see people have to say. I like kind these kinds of conversations. So it was honestly a lot different than I thought I was going to be. We talked about like professional settings and what we expect of ourselves and of each other, the way that women support each other but also tear each other down in professional spaces. We had a lot of great conversation around that. But what really got me is we had this little session at the end where the moderator was asking a question and we were going around and answering like every single person. And the first question she asked was, when was the last time you felt beautiful? When I tell you, I sighed outline, and for a couple of reasons, one I actually couldn't tell you. I don't know if that's because I have been dealing with not necessarily insecurity, because I mean, I think I'm that girl, but I think, just like societally and just like dealing with a lot of health issues, I don't know the last time I felt like super confident and happy with the way that I look. But also what does beauty mean? Because hearing the other women speak about their answers, none of them really were talking about like, oh, I had makeup on, my hair was done, my nails were done. Like I just felt hot, I felt desired. That to me is how I was taking the question. But for them, they were talking about when they're just something they were passionate about, when they're with their friends, when they're with their siblings and their family and had no makeup on, they had their hair out naturally, And I think that for me it was such like a side moment because I was like, see, how am I putting such pressure on myself where I only feel beautiful, full, or capable or worthy when I look a certain way, rather than focusing on more intrinsic things or things that actually matter, like am I in a comfortable space, do I feel happy, do I feel confident? Etc. So that kind of sparked this whole thing of like, I have felt really beautiful lately, and I think that part of that is from that trip and just feeling more comfortable in who I am in so many different ways, Like I said, academically, professionally, personally, etc. But I also just like I appreciate in the way that I look and what I bring to the table also was important. And then the follow up question was even a bigger sigh because the moderator asked, So we talked about beauty, and then she said, when was the last time you felt desired and what does desirability mean to you. I think that was the first time that I've ever separated beauty and desire in my mind, because I think as women, not to blame us, but to blame society that we're in. For us, to be beautiful is to feel desired, and that's why we have things like beauty standards and why people that are fams on TikTok look the way that they do because for us, for me to desire to follow you, to desire to see your content, do you have to look a certain way? And some people's mind, yes, And I think that for the first time, I was like, oh, those things are so different, Like why is the way that I feel about myself and my looks and my personality and what I consider myself to be quote unquote beautiful tied to how one what other women think of me? And two if I'm desirable to men, or desirable to a company that I'm applying for, or desirable to something I'm trying out for, et cetera. So I think putting beauty in the context of desire is putting beauty in someone else's hands, through someone else's eyes and not through an intrinsic lens. So I think, not to get all deep, that was kind of what sparked me kind of having these conversations or thoughts to myself, But also I felt like it was so in tune with what we were talking about in the last episode. I was like, Okay, I can't want to tell this anecdote on the podcast and kind of get into the weeds of things. So that was a super long introduction for us tying back to this topic, But like I was saying, last episode, we talked a lot about how to take the first step towards bettering yourself, towards getting help, towards better your mental health, your nutrition, exercising, etc. So I kind of want to dive more into some of those topics because it was more of a shorter episode last time. So I'm ready to get into the weeds of things. So I broke us up into segments. Just didn't make it easier to have a productive conversation about this. Is it a combo if I'm talking to myself, well, like in my head, y'all are responding to me. And I talked to a lot of you guys on Instagram about last episode and I was like, I love that we're having this commo now because in my head I imagine the responses while I'm recording. So that was fun. But getting into the first topic, I think the first kind of barrier or the first step you have to take in this mental health journey bettering yourself journey is acknowledging that you need change or you need help and Honestly, I have to say that's probably the hardest part, because I know for me that was actually a question they asked me and my intake for therapy. They were like, what's bringing me to therapy now? And I really really felt hard about it, and I was like, I really don't know, because it's not like I was particularly struggling with anything new or different, Like, yes, I was done with my health stuff, but depression and sadness and anxiety and just like these weird feelings of not being consistently happy were not something that was new, something that I've been dealing with since I was probably fourteen or fifteen. So I really asked myself what change or what clicked that I knew I need to get help now. So I don't think that there's necessarily a sign or an indication that's universal for everyone, but I knew that for me, I prided myself on being there for myself always in a sense that I've never wanted to have to rely on someone else to be there for me to wipe my tears, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be someone to talk to, because for two reasons, one in my head, it made me feel like a burden to others. They wouldn't say that, but I felt that way. But also I thought that it made me strong by being able to handle all of my own issues and situations solely by myself. I think that being sort of the middle child but also wanting to be independent from a very very young age, I just got used to doing that. And so even through the most traumatic times of my life, through assault, through abusive relationships, et cetera, I always felt that I can get myself through this. That means that I'm strong. And when I say get through, I meant get through it by myself. So I think that it wasn't that I had great mental health or great cope skills, or that I was quote unquote strong. It was more so that I had become really really good at repressing things, and that means not talking about it, not giving it any power, which I guess could be good in some circumstances. But I never talked about or talked through the situations or through how I was feeling because I just didn't want to. I wanted to ignore it orrase it packed that in a cute little box steep away I never had to open again. And so for me, I thought that that was a good way to handle my emotions. So doing that for five, six, seven, eight years straight, I think when I got to my low moments when I felt emotional or stressed or sad or overwhelmed, all of those little blocks started unpacking and coming to the surface, and it became overwhelming to deal with everything at once. And I think that with all of my health issues and just being sad in general, I started thinking about a lot of those things I had packed away more often. And that's finally when I was like, I cannot deal with all this alone and I'm not going to put this on my family, on my friends, on my siblings, on my roommates as their burden because they're dealing with their own issues. I want actual help. So for me feeling constantly sad and overwhelmed and stressed and constantly thinking about things about the past that were overwhelming to me, that was my son And I was like, you know what, it is, just time to get help. And I had a doctor's appointment for PCOS just to check in about how I was feeling about things. My doctor was like, I just noticed, like you just seem really really sad lately. I think you should go to therapy, and I was like, well, if you're gonna say it, and I guess I have to and did not feel like a question for like a command. So I signed up, and honestly, it's been great so far. I'm on my third session and also just having someone validate my feelings and getting things off my chest. Well, yes, it's extremely emotional, Like I usually do my therapy at school in one of the little meeting rooms, so I'll be like sobbing for an hour and then go back to class, which he was a little bit weird. But I feel like a weight is slowly being lifted off my shoulders the more I meet and talk through things, And it's like even just re talking to her, even without a response, connecting parts of my life that make me understand why I act and react the way that I do has been so impactful already, just in three sessions, and like now I'm trying to talk to a psychiatrists and just figuring out the little things I think will give me such a better quality of life. Has been so great that I'm kind of upset myself that I didn't do it earlier. The fact that I did at all is important, so not putting too much pressure on myself, but closing out our first little step. I think that acknowledging that you need to change, or that you need help, or that it's okay to lean on other people is such an important first step, and I think that's just if you want to start this journey, that's the first thing you need to confront yourself with. So to recap the first step is acknowledging that you need help or need change. The hardest thing I think in this process is just acknowledging that there's an issue in the first place. So I think once you've gotten to that place, the path forward gets a little bit easier. So step two is overcoming barriers to taking the first step. I think that there are a lot of common obstacles or barriers people face when considering the best way to improve mental health, and that can include things like fear, stigma, fear of judgment, monetary obstacles, etc. And those are obviously very real things that impact our day to day. So I would say I've noticed just from my own personal background, but also from stories of people that I'm friends with or that I surround myself with, is that people that have immigrant parents, or even if they're not immigrants, are just coming from families of color. I think, especially in those communities, therapy and seeking help is really really stigmatized. And I think that's just because our parents and grandparents and great grandparents obviously went through so much struggle, and I think that they learned or at least attempted to cope with that on their own. So now that we're in this generational culture of us being encouraged to actively seek help, I just think that there's sort of a disconnect sometimes between our my generation or our generation and our parents. Sometimes it's hard to not necessarily convince them, but make them understand that it's not a sign of weakness to get help, that, if anything, it's a sign of strength that you want to get better. I think that stigma is even worse when it comes to men. I think that societally, men are told that they can't cry, they can't show emotions or have feelings, and that's seeking help again makes them weak. But I think that we're seeing this kind of cultural shift where people are being more encouraged to seek help and finally, thankfully, because lour knows we all need it, but so I think that when it comes to fear stigma things like that, I think I've obviously had this conversation with my family, Like my mom's always encouraged me to seek out therapy. I don't really talks about it with my dad as much, just because I don't know. I think I've always gone to my mind with things like that, just I don't know if being a woman. Sometimes I think that women can understand plight's a little bit better. But I know that a lot of my guy friends have told me in similar stories about it just is very, very awkward trying to have that initial conversation with your family. Luckily, I'm an adult now, so I wasn't really asking for permission, more just letting them know. So I just decided that, yes, it's awkward to have to talk to someone about your feelings every day and crying to what seems like a stranger. But I realized that I rather put up with that hour of awkwardness, or more like ten minutes of awkwardness at first, if I'm going to get help out of it at the end. So I think just overcoming self judgment is so important as part of this kind of step. But when it gets to things that are more tangible like money. Luckily, I am still a student. I'm in law school right now, so I was able to get subsidized or pretty much free therapy through my school's program Columbia. Luckily, I was able to specify that I wanted a woman of color as my therapist, just because I think that they'd be able to better understand some of my plights without having to do a lot of explaining, which I feel like I already have to do sometimes. So I lucked out there, But I know that finding a therapist one is hard on its own, but two, if you don't have incredible health insurance, sometimes even if you do, it can just be so expensive. But I think that technology is helping so much with that. I know that there's a lot of online platforms that have made therapy so much more accessible because you don't have to go into an office and sit there and wait to find someone. You could just kind of text someone and the match you with a therapist. And I think, for example, one is called like Betterhelp, and just programs like that I think are making it so much easier to kind of start the process because even if you do end up wanting to go to someone in person. I think just having someone to talk to out the gate and getting over that initial awkwardness or fear is so important. So I think if you are trying to figure out a more cost effective way, I think online platforms like better help Are or Better Help Grow Therapy. There's a bunch of them out there. It's literally look it up and if what kind of insurance you have, just put it after online therapy, you'll be able to find a place that fits within your budget or monetary needs. But also I figured out that, for example, my insurance, they have a website you can go to type in what you're looking for, like dermatology, therapy, psychology with something else, whatsui in whatever, and they'll give you a list of people in your network that are near you and like some ratings. So for me, that also has helped with finding doctors, at least in New York. It's kind of hard, so there are resources out there, take advantage of them. And I obviously, like I said before, the first few steps are always the hardest because you're kind of just doing like the preparatory work without really dealing with the emotions. So I think that the quicker and faster you get through those steps, which I did all of these in like two days, the better I felt, because I one felt like I was actually taking steps towards helping myself, but also I've been dreading doing it for so long and I did all of it within a day. So also that's something to look the same for everyone. But I just think that finally putting your foot down and starting the process is so hard, but once you do, it's so much better and it's still worth it. So moving on Step three is exploring different paths to better mental health. We've talked a lot about therapy this episode, but I think that that's not the only way forward. For example, I'm in therapy, but also I'm seeing a psychiatrist because for me, my symptoms or the way I'm feeling has been happening for so long that maybe medication is a better way to address some of my issues. That's not the same for everyone, and people have a lot of different opinions on taking medication for things like anxiety and depression, but that is an option. But also therapy is not the only way to help better mental health. And I also think you don't need to be quote unquote like civiely depressed or severely anxious or kind of like at the brink of something to want to better your mental health or get help. I think even if you find yourself stressed or restless, or tired, or you sad, sometimes I think that there's always steps you can take to improve your mood and the way that you're feeling or your mental health in general. So well, yes, therapy is like the most talked about options. Even things like nutrition helps your mental health. Things like exercise, mindfulness, healthy practices like meditation or yoga, things like that are also very accessible ways that you can sort of start this journey. I know, for me, like I talked about last episode, I hate working out, and I'm not kidding people that say they like the gym or either liars are so weird to me because I do not need to be pushing myself to the brink of an asthmatic attack every single day just to either maintain the way that I look now or feel like a little bit better and have a hit of serotonin for twenty minutes. It's it's not for me, not made for me. So I joined this thing called class Pass so I could try out different workout classes. I tried things like soul Cycle, which, like, I don't know, I don't like sitting on a bike. It kind of hurts my butt, so wasn't a fan of that. I tried Solid Core. Those people are like a cult. I was in the class. Now I was like, why am I in severe pain right now? Not for me? And then finally I tried something called peevol that I saw on Instagram and TikTok, and as a former dancer and cheerleader, it just felt close to what I'm used to doing working out, so like I've just enjoyed it so much more. And so that's what I've been doing now, and I feel better, I feel stronger, and like, aside from any like aesthetic goals of how I look physically, I think I just feel lighter and stronger. I can sleep better, I have more energy. So I've been trying to do those classes as many times a week as I can, which honestly is hard to fit into like early busy schedule, but I think prioritizing it has really helped me in any way. Even before I started therapy, it's kind of been like my outlet recently. But also things like finding a hobby and I realized this recently Invisible Ink. Someone was like, what are your hobbies? And I was like, well, I don't know, and I was like, really thought about it. I was like, when's the last time I did something for pure enjoyment rather than because it was for a job or for school or hanging out with my friends? Like, when's the last time I painted to paint or sculpted to sculpt? I I never sculpted before, but like, what if I liked it or wanted to When's the last time I read for enjoyment or did something that had nothing to do with my career or professional goals. And so I'm going to get more into that. I'm take a pottery class. I'm gonna start reading more and prioritizing reading like fiction books because I read them so much as a kid and I kind of miss that. Also, photography loved it in high school. My camera's been sitting on my desk for the last eight months. I don't know where the charger is, but I'm going to find it or get one on Amazon and start prioritizing just taking time out of the week to do things that aren't related to school or work and just actually genuinely enjoying myself for the enjoyment of things, just for that sacred purpose. So for me, like those are my sort of big things I want to get into to try to work on mental health outside of therapy, just making myself have a better quality of life. So that's kind of what I'm prioritizing right now. But there's so many other ways that you can do so, and I highly encourage everyone to do it, even if you feel perfectly fine. I don't just a vibe and I'm sure that you'll feel much better after it no matter what. Moving on A step before is navigating the process, which I think is so hard, especially when you're at this weird age of like quasi adulting, because everyone says, like, hey, yes, you're an adult when you turn eighteen, but like I didn't know anything about insurance or prescriptions or anything like that when I was eighteen, So I'm twenty three now I'm learning or I've always been pretty independent, as we've talked about this episode, but kind of learning how to do all those things on my own without involving my parents has been something that I wanted to a lot through this process, Like I found my therapist, found my psychiatrist, set up an appointment, had my intake appointments coordinated, getting my medication, all that stuff without involving my family. I think doing it for myself and by myself has made this process just feels so much more fulfillings. I feel like I'm really taking the steps for myself to try and get better. So, while yes it's hard, I think just we have Google, and it's so it's such a blessing that we're like at this stage where I don't to go to like Barn's Noble and like get a how for dummies book to figure out how to do things on my own. I think Google starchers take no time at all, honestly, TikTok. Well, yes, I say take everything on that platform with so many grains of salt, because everyone claims to be an expert. I think that we have so many resources available to us to teach us about these things that there's no reason why we shouldn't be taking them. So that's all I have to say on that. But I think that aside from starting therapy or whatever practice you want to do to improve your mental health, and things like nutrition and prioritizing yourself prioritizing sleep, etc. I think that the last sort of big thing is having a good support network, and they even asked me this during my intake interviews. But I think having parents or loved ones or friends or significant others that support you through the process is also really important because it just becomes so emotionally and mentally and physically draining sometimes to recount all these terrible moments you've had throughout your life or things that you're like going through that are really heavy and painful. So having people that are like helping you through the process and just knowing that you have people there for you is also really important. So I think just having those conversations about wanting to seek help and having a strong network of people around you that are there to support you is just as important as finding a therapist in my opinion, which could be hotake, but I know that for me that that's something that I really wanted to prioritize. I think that I finally have such a good network in New York because I've been here for so long, but also I've just learned We talked about this in the other episodes, but harbing it up again that like quality of friends, over quantity is so important. I raither have three or four people that I know I can rely on or go to in times of need, then have fifty friends that I cannot have deep conversations with. But it's like our various surp of several friends don't want that, don't need that this time of my life. So I think just prioritizing having good people around you it's just as important as all the other steps I've mentioned in the last thirty forty minutes. And the last thing is it honestly, hearing other people talk about their stories and things that they've done, their testimonials to get to a better place is what inspired me to do so so things that I've personal being dealing with, I think finding people like on TikTok or friends that have gone through similar things and talking with them about how they've handled it, how they've faced the challenges, how they've gotten to a place where they can, you know, sort of move on from a lot of things has been really important. And like I said, like for example, like with the salt, I think it's one of those hush hush things that we kind of bury and don't really talk about. And the evenings like pcos. We're told like, oh, that's a hush hush thing to keep behind doors. No one wants to hear about it. It's embarrassing whatever. Like the few times I've ever brought them uts to people that I'm close with or people that are around me that I that I can rely on, they're also have pcos, would also have been assaulted and things like that. I think that just having people that have also gone through the same thing and knowing that I'm not alone and that we've both gotten through it and will continue to get through it, has made me feel so much stronger in myself but also in my friendships. So I think that being vulnerable, being honest, and just hearing other people's stories that they've gone through has really really really helped me, but also realized how strong people around me are. And if anything, that's what's reminded me that I have such a great group of people, a great network around me, and I think that's so important. So I've hearing me a yap on for thirty five or forty minutes. I hope that this has helped you in some way, she or form. I know it's probably like something you hear a lot like oh, if you feel sad, get help. And yes, it's so easy to say get help, but actually going through the processes a lot. So hopefully that I've helped you with one thing, and I'm always here on Instagram, TikTok whatever to talk to you if you ever have any questions or like want to reach out or talk about your experiences. That's one thing I've loved about this podcast is I feel like I've met so many of you parasocially in a not weird way, and we've talked about things that we've both gone through, and it's great to have that sense of community, even if it is digital. But as always, thank you for listening. We'll have a new episode hopefully again this weekend and regular time Thursdays from now on. But you can find Crying in Public on Instagram and TikTok at Crying in Public podcast. You can follow me at Sydney Winter on also Instagram and TikTok and I'll link both of those in the caption of this episode. And of course if you want to hear more or listen to our old episodes or hear things in the future, you can find Crying in Public on iHeart Radio Apple Podcasts, Spotify podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Bye,

Oh hello, I feel like it's been so long since I've talked to this mic, though it's only been like ten days. Welcome to Crying in Public. I am your asthmatic sounding host, Sydney Winter. Welcome back, Welcome back. So you're probably wondering why there was an episode last week if you didn't catch the end of last week's episode. So I'm in law school and the only upside of that is that I still have spring break, like I'm an undergrad. So I was in Africa for I think ten days, so I obviously couldn't bring like my entire recording set up to Africa, and I guess I could have prerecorded, but at the time that I didn't come to my head. So I'm going to need two episodes this week, one today and one this weekend to kind of make up for not posting last week. But I must say that Africa was the best thing that could have happened to me, and it came at the perfect time, So no regrets there. I'm going to do a longer episode on my experience there, just because it was like the most insane ten days I've ever had, but somehow it turned out to be like the best trip I could have imagined. So I'm gonna do like more of a deep dive into what happened because I got some crazy stories how that was is my first time going to Africa, so I don't know, I probably have like googly eyes, but it was a great experience. And if you listen to the last episode, this is a part two of that episode, and we're talking about taking the first step, so that means therapy, mental health, nutrition, YadA YadA yah. And I think that this trip came at such a specific time and it was so needed because, as I discussed last episode, I started therapy recently recently. I literally mean I had like my intake session the week before I left for Africa, so I had like a little bit of next and a break in between getting my initial thoughts out there before having my actual like first appointment or first treatment session. And what's so funny is that during your like your first therapy session, at least for me, it wasn't like we were like getting into the weeds or anything. It was more so just like a list of questions to get to know me, to get to know my history. How long I've been feeling sad, what my childhood was like what I'm struggling with right now. Things like that justs so I can have like a very service level idea of what kind of treatment I need or what I'm hoping to get out of therapy. So it's like very routine basic questions they ask everyone. Mind you, I am a cancer and I'm also like extremely emotional, so I was sobbing the entire time. I know that Miss therapist was like, girl, this is really the first session, Like, you gotta relax. So it felt very very heavy that week. Because I'm still coping with my pcos I was gonna say diagnosis, prescription diagnosis. I don't know why prescription came to mind. My pcos a diagnosis, which we're still not one hundred percent on, but it's like ninety eight percent show that I have it. So just managing symptoms, freaking out what that means for me, what it means in general, trying to figure out the best course of treatment for myself, and dealing with all the symptoms on the side. So I think just dealing with that while I'm working, while I'm in school or ritning my note, which is like your law school thesis. I think it was just like a very very heavy time. So when I had therapy right before I left, I think I just wasn't crying because of the questions that they were asking, because they were particularly a deep diving or anything like that. I think just with the weight of everything happening at the same time, I just like needed to have a release, and it felt like on Zoom with Doctor Girl felt like the moment apparently, so I think I was just like really really ready for a break. And not only was a spring break, but I had this after trip coming up, and I wasn't going on vacation. I was actually doing a pro bono caravan, which I think I explained last episode. Basically, when you want to take the bar exam to become a lawyer, you have to have fifty hours I think of community service or what we call pro bono, which is like free legal work, and then same thing to graduate Columbia Law you have to have I think forty hours. So this trip was the forty hours for me. We went to work with their government on creating the framework for their first Technology and Innovation Bill, and I want to do tech an ip law, so it felt like a perfect opportunity to kind of handle that, and the Minister of Technology is actually one of my old friends from Columbia, so it's great to see her, etc. Like I said, I'll go into a deep dive of like the particulars of this trip, but I think it was like the most perfect work life balance. Like the work that I was doing, I was actually putting what I learned in law school into practice, but also combining my interests or passions with policy and politics, with community needs to knowledgy IP, etc. So I think doing work that didn't feel like busy work but was like actually going to make a difference in someone's life felt kind of refreshing, kind of compared to being in classes all week. But also we were not working the whole time, like we were going out, we were partying, we were meeting people. I found, I got to rest. I was sleeping eight hours a night, which I never do here. And I think, just like being in warm weather, being around a group of people who I didn't really know super well but were such great fun people to be around, just be honestly the best experience possible. And I'll get into this again in the other episode, but it weirdly did so much for my personal confidence. And I didn't realize this really until yesterday, which I'll get into in a second, But I think this was literally the first time ever in my life I've been in a space or a business or a country where every single person looks like me and has my body type and has my features. And they they were all such beautiful people, not just physically, what I mean intrinsically, like they were so caring, so opening, opening, so open, so warming. They welcomed us into their homes, they welcomed us into their friend group, et cetera. So I just, I don't know, I just felt so beautiful and comfortable and welcomed in my own skin, which I've never ever felt in the space I've been in the US, like growing up in Florida, even being in New York, where like there are more people that look like me. I think just being in spaces where I'm not the dominant person. It just it was a crazy experience. And I think that since I've been back, I've just felt so much lighter and happier and more confident in myself, both academically, professionally, personally, et cetera. But what made me think about this and walking into the episode kind of segueing from this conversation. But I was at this event a couple of nights ago for the law school that was about desirability politics and not to get into the about that, but basically the way that our as women, and cescially as women of color and as black women. This kind of applies broadly to different types of people, but the way that our hair and our bodies, the way we dress, the way we speak, the way we act is so policed in certain spaces. So it's kind of like an open roundtable discussion about that the law school that I wasn't actually planning on going to, but I was like, you know what, let me just sit in and see people have to say. I like kind these kinds of conversations. So it was honestly a lot different than I thought I was going to be. We talked about like professional settings and what we expect of ourselves and of each other, the way that women support each other but also tear each other down in professional spaces. We had a lot of great conversation around that. But what really got me is we had this little session at the end where the moderator was asking a question and we were going around and answering like every single person. And the first question she asked was, when was the last time you felt beautiful? When I tell you, I sighed outline, and for a couple of reasons, one I actually couldn't tell you. I don't know if that's because I have been dealing with not necessarily insecurity, because I mean, I think I'm that girl, but I think, just like societally and just like dealing with a lot of health issues, I don't know the last time I felt like super confident and happy with the way that I look. But also what does beauty mean? Because hearing the other women speak about their answers, none of them really were talking about like, oh, I had makeup on, my hair was done, my nails were done. Like I just felt hot, I felt desired. That to me is how I was taking the question. But for them, they were talking about when they're just something they were passionate about, when they're with their friends, when they're with their siblings and their family and had no makeup on, they had their hair out naturally, And I think that for me it was such like a side moment because I was like, see, how am I putting such pressure on myself where I only feel beautiful, full, or capable or worthy when I look a certain way, rather than focusing on more intrinsic things or things that actually matter, like am I in a comfortable space, do I feel happy, do I feel confident? Etc. So that kind of sparked this whole thing of like, I have felt really beautiful lately, and I think that part of that is from that trip and just feeling more comfortable in who I am in so many different ways, Like I said, academically, professionally, personally, etc. But I also just like I appreciate in the way that I look and what I bring to the table also was important. And then the follow up question was even a bigger sigh because the moderator asked, So we talked about beauty, and then she said, when was the last time you felt desired and what does desirability mean to you. I think that was the first time that I've ever separated beauty and desire in my mind, because I think as women, not to blame us, but to blame society that we're in. For us, to be beautiful is to feel desired, and that's why we have things like beauty standards and why people that are fams on TikTok look the way that they do because for us, for me to desire to follow you, to desire to see your content, do you have to look a certain way? And some people's mind, yes, And I think that for the first time, I was like, oh, those things are so different, Like why is the way that I feel about myself and my looks and my personality and what I consider myself to be quote unquote beautiful tied to how one what other women think of me? And two if I'm desirable to men, or desirable to a company that I'm applying for, or desirable to something I'm trying out for, et cetera. So I think putting beauty in the context of desire is putting beauty in someone else's hands, through someone else's eyes and not through an intrinsic lens. So I think, not to get all deep, that was kind of what sparked me kind of having these conversations or thoughts to myself, But also I felt like it was so in tune with what we were talking about in the last episode. I was like, Okay, I can't want to tell this anecdote on the podcast and kind of get into the weeds of things. So that was a super long introduction for us tying back to this topic, But like I was saying, last episode, we talked a lot about how to take the first step towards bettering yourself, towards getting help, towards better your mental health, your nutrition, exercising, etc. So I kind of want to dive more into some of those topics because it was more of a shorter episode last time. So I'm ready to get into the weeds of things. So I broke us up into segments. Just didn't make it easier to have a productive conversation about this. Is it a combo if I'm talking to myself, well, like in my head, y'all are responding to me. And I talked to a lot of you guys on Instagram about last episode and I was like, I love that we're having this commo now because in my head I imagine the responses while I'm recording. So that was fun. But getting into the first topic, I think the first kind of barrier or the first step you have to take in this mental health journey bettering yourself journey is acknowledging that you need change or you need help and Honestly, I have to say that's probably the hardest part, because I know for me that was actually a question they asked me and my intake for therapy. They were like, what's bringing me to therapy now? And I really really felt hard about it, and I was like, I really don't know, because it's not like I was particularly struggling with anything new or different, Like, yes, I was done with my health stuff, but depression and sadness and anxiety and just like these weird feelings of not being consistently happy were not something that was new, something that I've been dealing with since I was probably fourteen or fifteen. So I really asked myself what change or what clicked that I knew I need to get help now. So I don't think that there's necessarily a sign or an indication that's universal for everyone, but I knew that for me, I prided myself on being there for myself always in a sense that I've never wanted to have to rely on someone else to be there for me to wipe my tears, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be someone to talk to, because for two reasons, one in my head, it made me feel like a burden to others. They wouldn't say that, but I felt that way. But also I thought that it made me strong by being able to handle all of my own issues and situations solely by myself. I think that being sort of the middle child but also wanting to be independent from a very very young age, I just got used to doing that. And so even through the most traumatic times of my life, through assault, through abusive relationships, et cetera, I always felt that I can get myself through this. That means that I'm strong. And when I say get through, I meant get through it by myself. So I think that it wasn't that I had great mental health or great cope skills, or that I was quote unquote strong. It was more so that I had become really really good at repressing things, and that means not talking about it, not giving it any power, which I guess could be good in some circumstances. But I never talked about or talked through the situations or through how I was feeling because I just didn't want to. I wanted to ignore it orrase it packed that in a cute little box steep away I never had to open again. And so for me, I thought that that was a good way to handle my emotions. So doing that for five, six, seven, eight years straight, I think when I got to my low moments when I felt emotional or stressed or sad or overwhelmed, all of those little blocks started unpacking and coming to the surface, and it became overwhelming to deal with everything at once. And I think that with all of my health issues and just being sad in general, I started thinking about a lot of those things I had packed away more often. And that's finally when I was like, I cannot deal with all this alone and I'm not going to put this on my family, on my friends, on my siblings, on my roommates as their burden because they're dealing with their own issues. I want actual help. So for me feeling constantly sad and overwhelmed and stressed and constantly thinking about things about the past that were overwhelming to me, that was my son And I was like, you know what, it is, just time to get help. And I had a doctor's appointment for PCOS just to check in about how I was feeling about things. My doctor was like, I just noticed, like you just seem really really sad lately. I think you should go to therapy, and I was like, well, if you're gonna say it, and I guess I have to and did not feel like a question for like a command. So I signed up, and honestly, it's been great so far. I'm on my third session and also just having someone validate my feelings and getting things off my chest. Well, yes, it's extremely emotional, Like I usually do my therapy at school in one of the little meeting rooms, so I'll be like sobbing for an hour and then go back to class, which he was a little bit weird. But I feel like a weight is slowly being lifted off my shoulders the more I meet and talk through things, And it's like even just re talking to her, even without a response, connecting parts of my life that make me understand why I act and react the way that I do has been so impactful already, just in three sessions, and like now I'm trying to talk to a psychiatrists and just figuring out the little things I think will give me such a better quality of life. Has been so great that I'm kind of upset myself that I didn't do it earlier. The fact that I did at all is important, so not putting too much pressure on myself, but closing out our first little step. I think that acknowledging that you need to change, or that you need help, or that it's okay to lean on other people is such an important first step, and I think that's just if you want to start this journey, that's the first thing you need to confront yourself with. So to recap the first step is acknowledging that you need help or need change. The hardest thing I think in this process is just acknowledging that there's an issue in the first place. So I think once you've gotten to that place, the path forward gets a little bit easier. So step two is overcoming barriers to taking the first step. I think that there are a lot of common obstacles or barriers people face when considering the best way to improve mental health, and that can include things like fear, stigma, fear of judgment, monetary obstacles, etc. And those are obviously very real things that impact our day to day. So I would say I've noticed just from my own personal background, but also from stories of people that I'm friends with or that I surround myself with, is that people that have immigrant parents, or even if they're not immigrants, are just coming from families of color. I think, especially in those communities, therapy and seeking help is really really stigmatized. And I think that's just because our parents and grandparents and great grandparents obviously went through so much struggle, and I think that they learned or at least attempted to cope with that on their own. So now that we're in this generational culture of us being encouraged to actively seek help, I just think that there's sort of a disconnect sometimes between our my generation or our generation and our parents. Sometimes it's hard to not necessarily convince them, but make them understand that it's not a sign of weakness to get help, that, if anything, it's a sign of strength that you want to get better. I think that stigma is even worse when it comes to men. I think that societally, men are told that they can't cry, they can't show emotions or have feelings, and that's seeking help again makes them weak. But I think that we're seeing this kind of cultural shift where people are being more encouraged to seek help and finally, thankfully, because lour knows we all need it, but so I think that when it comes to fear stigma things like that, I think I've obviously had this conversation with my family, Like my mom's always encouraged me to seek out therapy. I don't really talks about it with my dad as much, just because I don't know. I think I've always gone to my mind with things like that, just I don't know if being a woman. Sometimes I think that women can understand plight's a little bit better. But I know that a lot of my guy friends have told me in similar stories about it just is very, very awkward trying to have that initial conversation with your family. Luckily, I'm an adult now, so I wasn't really asking for permission, more just letting them know. So I just decided that, yes, it's awkward to have to talk to someone about your feelings every day and crying to what seems like a stranger. But I realized that I rather put up with that hour of awkwardness, or more like ten minutes of awkwardness at first, if I'm going to get help out of it at the end. So I think just overcoming self judgment is so important as part of this kind of step. But when it gets to things that are more tangible like money. Luckily, I am still a student. I'm in law school right now, so I was able to get subsidized or pretty much free therapy through my school's program Columbia. Luckily, I was able to specify that I wanted a woman of color as my therapist, just because I think that they'd be able to better understand some of my plights without having to do a lot of explaining, which I feel like I already have to do sometimes. So I lucked out there, But I know that finding a therapist one is hard on its own, but two, if you don't have incredible health insurance, sometimes even if you do, it can just be so expensive. But I think that technology is helping so much with that. I know that there's a lot of online platforms that have made therapy so much more accessible because you don't have to go into an office and sit there and wait to find someone. You could just kind of text someone and the match you with a therapist. And I think, for example, one is called like Betterhelp, and just programs like that I think are making it so much easier to kind of start the process because even if you do end up wanting to go to someone in person. I think just having someone to talk to out the gate and getting over that initial awkwardness or fear is so important. So I think if you are trying to figure out a more cost effective way, I think online platforms like better help Are or Better Help Grow Therapy. There's a bunch of them out there. It's literally look it up and if what kind of insurance you have, just put it after online therapy, you'll be able to find a place that fits within your budget or monetary needs. But also I figured out that, for example, my insurance, they have a website you can go to type in what you're looking for, like dermatology, therapy, psychology with something else, whatsui in whatever, and they'll give you a list of people in your network that are near you and like some ratings. So for me, that also has helped with finding doctors, at least in New York. It's kind of hard, so there are resources out there, take advantage of them. And I obviously, like I said before, the first few steps are always the hardest because you're kind of just doing like the preparatory work without really dealing with the emotions. So I think that the quicker and faster you get through those steps, which I did all of these in like two days, the better I felt, because I one felt like I was actually taking steps towards helping myself, but also I've been dreading doing it for so long and I did all of it within a day. So also that's something to look the same for everyone. But I just think that finally putting your foot down and starting the process is so hard, but once you do, it's so much better and it's still worth it. So moving on Step three is exploring different paths to better mental health. We've talked a lot about therapy this episode, but I think that that's not the only way forward. For example, I'm in therapy, but also I'm seeing a psychiatrist because for me, my symptoms or the way I'm feeling has been happening for so long that maybe medication is a better way to address some of my issues. That's not the same for everyone, and people have a lot of different opinions on taking medication for things like anxiety and depression, but that is an option. But also therapy is not the only way to help better mental health. And I also think you don't need to be quote unquote like civiely depressed or severely anxious or kind of like at the brink of something to want to better your mental health or get help. I think even if you find yourself stressed or restless, or tired, or you sad, sometimes I think that there's always steps you can take to improve your mood and the way that you're feeling or your mental health in general. So well, yes, therapy is like the most talked about options. Even things like nutrition helps your mental health. Things like exercise, mindfulness, healthy practices like meditation or yoga, things like that are also very accessible ways that you can sort of start this journey. I know, for me, like I talked about last episode, I hate working out, and I'm not kidding people that say they like the gym or either liars are so weird to me because I do not need to be pushing myself to the brink of an asthmatic attack every single day just to either maintain the way that I look now or feel like a little bit better and have a hit of serotonin for twenty minutes. It's it's not for me, not made for me. So I joined this thing called class Pass so I could try out different workout classes. I tried things like soul Cycle, which, like, I don't know, I don't like sitting on a bike. It kind of hurts my butt, so wasn't a fan of that. I tried Solid Core. Those people are like a cult. I was in the class. Now I was like, why am I in severe pain right now? Not for me? And then finally I tried something called peevol that I saw on Instagram and TikTok, and as a former dancer and cheerleader, it just felt close to what I'm used to doing working out, so like I've just enjoyed it so much more. And so that's what I've been doing now, and I feel better, I feel stronger, and like, aside from any like aesthetic goals of how I look physically, I think I just feel lighter and stronger. I can sleep better, I have more energy. So I've been trying to do those classes as many times a week as I can, which honestly is hard to fit into like early busy schedule, but I think prioritizing it has really helped me in any way. Even before I started therapy, it's kind of been like my outlet recently. But also things like finding a hobby and I realized this recently Invisible Ink. Someone was like, what are your hobbies? And I was like, well, I don't know, and I was like, really thought about it. I was like, when's the last time I did something for pure enjoyment rather than because it was for a job or for school or hanging out with my friends? Like, when's the last time I painted to paint or sculpted to sculpt? I I never sculpted before, but like, what if I liked it or wanted to When's the last time I read for enjoyment or did something that had nothing to do with my career or professional goals. And so I'm going to get more into that. I'm take a pottery class. I'm gonna start reading more and prioritizing reading like fiction books because I read them so much as a kid and I kind of miss that. Also, photography loved it in high school. My camera's been sitting on my desk for the last eight months. I don't know where the charger is, but I'm going to find it or get one on Amazon and start prioritizing just taking time out of the week to do things that aren't related to school or work and just actually genuinely enjoying myself for the enjoyment of things, just for that sacred purpose. So for me, like those are my sort of big things I want to get into to try to work on mental health outside of therapy, just making myself have a better quality of life. So that's kind of what I'm prioritizing right now. But there's so many other ways that you can do so, and I highly encourage everyone to do it, even if you feel perfectly fine. I don't just a vibe and I'm sure that you'll feel much better after it no matter what. Moving on A step before is navigating the process, which I think is so hard, especially when you're at this weird age of like quasi adulting, because everyone says, like, hey, yes, you're an adult when you turn eighteen, but like I didn't know anything about insurance or prescriptions or anything like that when I was eighteen, So I'm twenty three now I'm learning or I've always been pretty independent, as we've talked about this episode, but kind of learning how to do all those things on my own without involving my parents has been something that I wanted to a lot through this process, Like I found my therapist, found my psychiatrist, set up an appointment, had my intake appointments coordinated, getting my medication, all that stuff without involving my family. I think doing it for myself and by myself has made this process just feels so much more fulfillings. I feel like I'm really taking the steps for myself to try and get better. So, while yes it's hard, I think just we have Google, and it's so it's such a blessing that we're like at this stage where I don't to go to like Barn's Noble and like get a how for dummies book to figure out how to do things on my own. I think Google starchers take no time at all, honestly, TikTok. Well, yes, I say take everything on that platform with so many grains of salt, because everyone claims to be an expert. I think that we have so many resources available to us to teach us about these things that there's no reason why we shouldn't be taking them. So that's all I have to say on that. But I think that aside from starting therapy or whatever practice you want to do to improve your mental health, and things like nutrition and prioritizing yourself prioritizing sleep, etc. I think that the last sort of big thing is having a good support network, and they even asked me this during my intake interviews. But I think having parents or loved ones or friends or significant others that support you through the process is also really important because it just becomes so emotionally and mentally and physically draining sometimes to recount all these terrible moments you've had throughout your life or things that you're like going through that are really heavy and painful. So having people that are like helping you through the process and just knowing that you have people there for you is also really important. So I think just having those conversations about wanting to seek help and having a strong network of people around you that are there to support you is just as important as finding a therapist in my opinion, which could be hotake, but I know that for me that that's something that I really wanted to prioritize. I think that I finally have such a good network in New York because I've been here for so long, but also I've just learned We talked about this in the other episodes, but harbing it up again that like quality of friends, over quantity is so important. I raither have three or four people that I know I can rely on or go to in times of need, then have fifty friends that I cannot have deep conversations with. But it's like our various surp of several friends don't want that, don't need that this time of my life. So I think just prioritizing having good people around you it's just as important as all the other steps I've mentioned in the last thirty forty minutes. And the last thing is it honestly, hearing other people talk about their stories and things that they've done, their testimonials to get to a better place is what inspired me to do so so things that I've personal being dealing with, I think finding people like on TikTok or friends that have gone through similar things and talking with them about how they've handled it, how they've faced the challenges, how they've gotten to a place where they can, you know, sort of move on from a lot of things has been really important. And like I said, like for example, like with the salt, I think it's one of those hush hush things that we kind of bury and don't really talk about. And the evenings like pcos. We're told like, oh, that's a hush hush thing to keep behind doors. No one wants to hear about it. It's embarrassing whatever. Like the few times I've ever brought them uts to people that I'm close with or people that are around me that I that I can rely on, they're also have pcos, would also have been assaulted and things like that. I think that just having people that have also gone through the same thing and knowing that I'm not alone and that we've both gotten through it and will continue to get through it, has made me feel so much stronger in myself but also in my friendships. So I think that being vulnerable, being honest, and just hearing other people's stories that they've gone through has really really really helped me, but also realized how strong people around me are. And if anything, that's what's reminded me that I have such a great group of people, a great network around me, and I think that's so important. So I've hearing me a yap on for thirty five or forty minutes. I hope that this has helped you in some way, she or form. I know it's probably like something you hear a lot like oh, if you feel sad, get help. And yes, it's so easy to say get help, but actually going through the processes a lot. So hopefully that I've helped you with one thing, and I'm always here on Instagram, TikTok whatever to talk to you if you ever have any questions or like want to reach out or talk about your experiences. That's one thing I've loved about this podcast is I feel like I've met so many of you parasocially in a not weird way, and we've talked about things that we've both gone through, and it's great to have that sense of community, even if it is digital. But as always, thank you for listening. We'll have a new episode hopefully again this weekend and regular time Thursdays from now on. But you can find Crying in Public on Instagram and TikTok at Crying in Public podcast. You can follow me at Sydney Winter on also Instagram and TikTok and I'll link both of those in the caption of this episode. And of course if you want to hear more or listen to our old episodes or hear things in the future, you can find Crying in Public on iHeart Radio Apple Podcasts, Spotify podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Bye,