Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Just as Samuel Alito should wake up tomorrow in Gitmo or in a hospital prison ward being examined for schizophrenia or brain tumors or something, he and the other conservative members of the Supreme Court are as dangerous to the future of this country and its citizens, and its freedoms and its form of representative government as any terrorists who have ever lived. I knew the Alito Court hearing, and we can't call it the Roberts Court. We were reminded yesterday Roberts is an impotent frontman. This is the Alito Court. I knew the Elito Court hearing was going to be bad, and I tried to convey that yesterday, but I honestly did not believe and would not imagine it would be that bad. If presidents knew they might be prosecuted for little things like trying to overturn a valid election and illegally stay in office, Alito told the lawyer representing Jack Smith, they would be way more likely to try to overturn a valid election and illegally stay in office. So Alito said, if you want to preserve democracy, you can't prosecute a former president for trying to overturn a valid election and illegally stay in office.

Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Just as Samuel Alito should wake up tomorrow in Gitmo or in a hospital prison ward being examined for schizophrenia or brain tumors or something, he and the other conservative members of the Supreme Court are as dangerous to the future of this country and its citizens, and its freedoms and its form of representative government as any terrorists who have ever lived. I knew the Alito Court hearing, and we can't call it the Roberts Court. We were reminded yesterday Roberts is an impotent frontman. This is the Alito Court. I knew the Elito Court hearing was going to be bad, and I tried to convey that yesterday, but I honestly did not believe and would not imagine it would be that bad. If presidents knew they might be prosecuted for little things like trying to overturn a valid election and illegally stay in office, Alito told the lawyer representing Jack Smith, they would be way more likely to try to overturn a valid election and illegally stay in office. So Alito said, if you want to preserve democracy, you can't prosecute a former president for trying to overturn a valid election and illegally stay in office.

What is required for the functioning of a stable democratic society, which is something that we all want. I'm sure you would agree with me that a stable democratic society requires that a candidate who loses an election, even a close one, even a hotly contested one, leave office peacefully. If that candidates is the incumvent.

What is required for the functioning of a stable democratic society, which is something that we all want. I'm sure you would agree with me that a stable democratic society requires that a candidate who loses an election, even a close one, even a hotly contested one, leave office peacefully. If that candidates is the incumvent.

That is the constitutional position of the leading justice on the Supreme Court, the justice that Trump's sheep on the Court follow. That is Alito echoing, virtually word for word things that the mad Trader Trump has posted on his social media feed about persecutions and retributions and even retirement. This is Samuel Alito telling you that the way to ensure peaceful transitions of power is you can't prosecute a lame duck president who partially and nearly fully disrupted the peaceful transition of power. It sounds like something Joseph Heller cut from his novel Catch twenty two for being too stupid to be useful as political satire. It is also a blackmail threat. Here's a crazy thought, sam Alito. If you are actually worried about some sort of cycle of presidents prosecuting the expert presidents that they have defeated in large part because the ex president was corrupt and incompetent and disloyal to the country and a criminal and tried to overthrow the democracy. How about you get your side, Sam, how about you get you and your fascists to stop supporting psychotic criminals like Donald Trump. Or if you just can't dismiss the glorious idea that the ends that our Republican power do justify the means, namely the utter blasphemy of a Trump presidency, what about instead getting Trump to sign some sort of document in which he forfeits I don't know, fifty billion dollars if as president he tries to persecute Joe Biden. Or maybe Sam, you could break this cycle that you have conjured out of thin air by you know, addressing the fact that you, Sam Alito, are personally backing America's hitler. As these six evil, corrupt, partisan, useless, anti democracy gangsters on the Supreme Theocratic Court flailed around yesterday looking for an excuse, any excuse to bury the evidence against Trump and to fix the upcoming election so that he again seize power. I found myself wishing that they would follow Liz Cheney's plea in the New York Times that they issue a nearly immediate order, but not in order to eliminate forever the argument that there is presidential immunity, but instead to affirm and establish that there is presidential immunity, so that President Biden could immediately arrest the lot of them and Trump and Trump's henchmen. Because what the six conservatives on this destructive fascist court hinted at yesterday was how far they would go to prostitute themselves to rule for Trump in any case that comes before them. We have already seen them erase the clear mandate in the fourteenth Amendment because they felt it would deny American democracy the right to vote itself out of existence. We have now heard them try to cobble together any bullshit they had in their tiny brains to immunize Trump for his countless crimes. But more importantly, we have now been forewarned that if a case comes before this court relative to this election, these justices will figure out what is best for Trump and then make up the reasons why they will. You and I may have assumed this, but after yesterday, you and I now know this. This is the Trump attorney John Sower, whom Alito and Clarence Thomas and Roberts and the three Trump stenographers were clearly applauding and encouraging and siding with yesterday. And this is mister Souer explaining to Justice Sonya Sotomayor that you can't prosecute a former president for any official act. And yeah, you know what, Trump ordering the assassination of the guy running against him for president. Yeah, that could be an official act. So you couldn't prosecute Trump for assassinating the other guy.

That is the constitutional position of the leading justice on the Supreme Court, the justice that Trump's sheep on the Court follow. That is Alito echoing, virtually word for word things that the mad Trader Trump has posted on his social media feed about persecutions and retributions and even retirement. This is Samuel Alito telling you that the way to ensure peaceful transitions of power is you can't prosecute a lame duck president who partially and nearly fully disrupted the peaceful transition of power. It sounds like something Joseph Heller cut from his novel Catch twenty two for being too stupid to be useful as political satire. It is also a blackmail threat. Here's a crazy thought, sam Alito. If you are actually worried about some sort of cycle of presidents prosecuting the expert presidents that they have defeated in large part because the ex president was corrupt and incompetent and disloyal to the country and a criminal and tried to overthrow the democracy. How about you get your side, Sam, how about you get you and your fascists to stop supporting psychotic criminals like Donald Trump. Or if you just can't dismiss the glorious idea that the ends that our Republican power do justify the means, namely the utter blasphemy of a Trump presidency, what about instead getting Trump to sign some sort of document in which he forfeits I don't know, fifty billion dollars if as president he tries to persecute Joe Biden. Or maybe Sam, you could break this cycle that you have conjured out of thin air by you know, addressing the fact that you, Sam Alito, are personally backing America's hitler. As these six evil, corrupt, partisan, useless, anti democracy gangsters on the Supreme Theocratic Court flailed around yesterday looking for an excuse, any excuse to bury the evidence against Trump and to fix the upcoming election so that he again seize power. I found myself wishing that they would follow Liz Cheney's plea in the New York Times that they issue a nearly immediate order, but not in order to eliminate forever the argument that there is presidential immunity, but instead to affirm and establish that there is presidential immunity, so that President Biden could immediately arrest the lot of them and Trump and Trump's henchmen. Because what the six conservatives on this destructive fascist court hinted at yesterday was how far they would go to prostitute themselves to rule for Trump in any case that comes before them. We have already seen them erase the clear mandate in the fourteenth Amendment because they felt it would deny American democracy the right to vote itself out of existence. We have now heard them try to cobble together any bullshit they had in their tiny brains to immunize Trump for his countless crimes. But more importantly, we have now been forewarned that if a case comes before this court relative to this election, these justices will figure out what is best for Trump and then make up the reasons why they will. You and I may have assumed this, but after yesterday, you and I now know this. This is the Trump attorney John Sower, whom Alito and Clarence Thomas and Roberts and the three Trump stenographers were clearly applauding and encouraging and siding with yesterday. And this is mister Souer explaining to Justice Sonya Sotomayor that you can't prosecute a former president for any official act. And yeah, you know what, Trump ordering the assassination of the guy running against him for president. Yeah, that could be an official act. So you couldn't prosecute Trump for assassinating the other guy.

If the president decides that his rival is a corrupt person and he orders the military or orders someone to assassinate him, is that within his official acts for which he can get immunity.

If the president decides that his rival is a corrupt person and he orders the military or orders someone to assassinate him, is that within his official acts for which he can get immunity.

It would depends on the hypothetical. But we can see that could well be an official He.

It would depends on the hypothetical. But we can see that could well be an official He.

Could again the temptation to say, hey, scotus, go ahead, establish presidential immunity right now. John Sower's theory that assassination of the opposing candidate is an official act of the president and did thus not subject to prosecution. Let's give that some legs. On the bright side, a political assassination ordered by Trump, that would be only one dead guy. Right, It's not like Trump ordering a military coup to keep him in office and thus killing civilians along with civilian government in America. It's not like you want us to declare that Trump ordering a military coup to keep him in office and thus killing civilians and civilian government in America is also an official act. Oh sorry, that is Justice Kagan with Trump attorney John Sower.

Could again the temptation to say, hey, scotus, go ahead, establish presidential immunity right now. John Sower's theory that assassination of the opposing candidate is an official act of the president and did thus not subject to prosecution. Let's give that some legs. On the bright side, a political assassination ordered by Trump, that would be only one dead guy. Right, It's not like Trump ordering a military coup to keep him in office and thus killing civilians along with civilian government in America. It's not like you want us to declare that Trump ordering a military coup to keep him in office and thus killing civilians and civilian government in America is also an official act. Oh sorry, that is Justice Kagan with Trump attorney John Sower.

How about it if a president orders the military to stage a coup.

How about it if a president orders the military to stage a coup.

I think that, as the Chief Justice pointed out earlier, where there is a whole series of you know, sort of guidelines against that, so to speak, like the UCMJ prohibits the military from following a plainfully unlawful act. If one adopted Justice Alito's test, that would fall outside. Now, if one adopts, for example, the Fitzgerald test, and we advanced, that might well be an official act. And he would have to be, as I'll say, in response to all these kinds of hypotheticals, has to be impeaching convicted before he can be criminally prosecuted.

I think that, as the Chief Justice pointed out earlier, where there is a whole series of you know, sort of guidelines against that, so to speak, like the UCMJ prohibits the military from following a plainfully unlawful act. If one adopted Justice Alito's test, that would fall outside. Now, if one adopts, for example, the Fitzgerald test, and we advanced, that might well be an official act. And he would have to be, as I'll say, in response to all these kinds of hypotheticals, has to be impeaching convicted before he can be criminally prosecuted.

So a president and I'm dropping the pretext here Trump's attorney is talking about Trump, Alito is talking about Trump, Sodamaiora and Kagan are talking about Trump. So Trump could have ordered Joe Biden assassinated and not be subject to any criminal prosecution for doing it. And he could have imposed a military dictatorship, and after some kind of you know, a civil warish thingy, he could have been deposed and not killed in the process. And when the newly restored civilian government of the United States of America went to put him on trial for doing all this, oh sorry, that was an official act of a president. You can't put him on trial just for overthrowing the democracy and establishing a coup in a military dictator Again, just rule all this into existence now, and let's get all of it out of the way, because with this Court certainly going to delay any ruling on this until July third, then thus postpone even the emulsified remains of Jack Smith's case getting to a jury before the election. I can't think of any other way to stop these Supreme Court bastards from continuing to act as Trump's magic wand whenever he needs one, and I cannot think of any length they would not go to after this election to protect Trump. And oh, by the way, remember the idea that June thirtieth or July third was itself an optimistic date for a ruling of any kind in this case by the Supreme Court. Remember the premise that these whores could make it even worse and delay the whole thing for months more beyond that, well into twenty twenty five, by use of remand remand sending it back to Judge Tanya Chutkin and making her run the charges against some kind of checklist of maybe this is an official act, maybe this is an official act. And then she rules, and then Trump appeals to the DC Court of Appeals, and then it goes back to the Supreme Court six months from now. Guess which one of the terrorists in Robes got to turn that rumor into reality. Yes, the first paralegal ever appointed to the Supreme Court, Amy Coney Handmaid's tail.

So a president and I'm dropping the pretext here Trump's attorney is talking about Trump, Alito is talking about Trump, Sodamaiora and Kagan are talking about Trump. So Trump could have ordered Joe Biden assassinated and not be subject to any criminal prosecution for doing it. And he could have imposed a military dictatorship, and after some kind of you know, a civil warish thingy, he could have been deposed and not killed in the process. And when the newly restored civilian government of the United States of America went to put him on trial for doing all this, oh sorry, that was an official act of a president. You can't put him on trial just for overthrowing the democracy and establishing a coup in a military dictator Again, just rule all this into existence now, and let's get all of it out of the way, because with this Court certainly going to delay any ruling on this until July third, then thus postpone even the emulsified remains of Jack Smith's case getting to a jury before the election. I can't think of any other way to stop these Supreme Court bastards from continuing to act as Trump's magic wand whenever he needs one, and I cannot think of any length they would not go to after this election to protect Trump. And oh, by the way, remember the idea that June thirtieth or July third was itself an optimistic date for a ruling of any kind in this case by the Supreme Court. Remember the premise that these whores could make it even worse and delay the whole thing for months more beyond that, well into twenty twenty five, by use of remand remand sending it back to Judge Tanya Chutkin and making her run the charges against some kind of checklist of maybe this is an official act, maybe this is an official act. And then she rules, and then Trump appeals to the DC Court of Appeals, and then it goes back to the Supreme Court six months from now. Guess which one of the terrorists in Robes got to turn that rumor into reality. Yes, the first paralegal ever appointed to the Supreme Court, Amy Coney Handmaid's tail.

Barrett, you say, even if the court were inclined to recognize some immunity for former presidence official acts, it should remand for trial because the indictment alleges substantial private conduct. And you said that the private conduct would be sufficient. Yes, the Special Council has expressed some concern for speed and wanting to move forward. So you know, the normal process what mister Sour asked would be for us to remand if we decided that there were some official acts community and to let that be sorted out below. It is another option for the Special Council to just proceed based on the private conduct and drop the official conduct.

Barrett, you say, even if the court were inclined to recognize some immunity for former presidence official acts, it should remand for trial because the indictment alleges substantial private conduct. And you said that the private conduct would be sufficient. Yes, the Special Council has expressed some concern for speed and wanting to move forward. So you know, the normal process what mister Sour asked would be for us to remand if we decided that there were some official acts community and to let that be sorted out below. It is another option for the Special Council to just proceed based on the private conduct and drop the official conduct.

That's great, amy break the case in half and just drop all those official acts from the prosecution. So now when Judge Chuckkin somehow says yes, this charge and this one and this one and this one and this one, they're not official acts. They're private acts. So Trump can be prosecuted on these. Trump can then start new lawsuits over each decision she makes and keep the case in the courts until the year twenty one hundred, when you Christo fascists are carrying around his stuffed body and claiming that even though he was born one hundred and fifty four years ago and is now dead, he's still president because he's just that good at it. To be fair. The Barrett idea, sorry, the idea they had Barrett express. It's clear Barrett has never had an idea in her life other than how to express more enthusiasm when she says, we've been sent good weather. The idea Barrett expressed contains the only germ of a sliver of a chance, of a possibility that there will be any kind of Trump presidential election subversion trial before the election. The Special Council's Office lawyer seemed to be completely ready to proceed with a case that only pertains to Trump's personal acts, so long as his official acts could still be used as evidence. I mean, what the hell. One conviction on one charge could be enough to put Trump behind bars, at least until Alito figures out a new scam. It's almost as if Jack Smith saw this coming. I hope to god he did, because I did not. As I said, I'm now over here in the declare there is presidential immunity, and have Biden send Trump in the Alito six to get Moke camp own by the way, go in grace. And now, to summarize the nightmare at the Supreme Court yesterday, let's turn to our special legal analyst.

That's great, amy break the case in half and just drop all those official acts from the prosecution. So now when Judge Chuckkin somehow says yes, this charge and this one and this one and this one and this one, they're not official acts. They're private acts. So Trump can be prosecuted on these. Trump can then start new lawsuits over each decision she makes and keep the case in the courts until the year twenty one hundred, when you Christo fascists are carrying around his stuffed body and claiming that even though he was born one hundred and fifty four years ago and is now dead, he's still president because he's just that good at it. To be fair. The Barrett idea, sorry, the idea they had Barrett express. It's clear Barrett has never had an idea in her life other than how to express more enthusiasm when she says, we've been sent good weather. The idea Barrett expressed contains the only germ of a sliver of a chance, of a possibility that there will be any kind of Trump presidential election subversion trial before the election. The Special Council's Office lawyer seemed to be completely ready to proceed with a case that only pertains to Trump's personal acts, so long as his official acts could still be used as evidence. I mean, what the hell. One conviction on one charge could be enough to put Trump behind bars, at least until Alito figures out a new scam. It's almost as if Jack Smith saw this coming. I hope to god he did, because I did not. As I said, I'm now over here in the declare there is presidential immunity, and have Biden send Trump in the Alito six to get Moke camp own by the way, go in grace. And now, to summarize the nightmare at the Supreme Court yesterday, let's turn to our special legal analyst.

The US Supreme Court had a monumental hearing on community and the immunity having to do with presidential immunity, and I think it was made clear. I hope it was made clear that a president has to have immunity. You don't have a president.

The US Supreme Court had a monumental hearing on community and the immunity having to do with presidential immunity, and I think it was made clear. I hope it was made clear that a president has to have immunity. You don't have a president.

For monumental immunity, an immunity having to do with immunity immunity. Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens when you keep him from falling asleep in court? In that court? It started yesterday with the prosecution demanding he'd be found in contempt for remarks about Cohen and Pecker, and I aiming the jury remarks he literally made on the way into court minutes earlier, and then the entire subject of the gag order, and even some kind of metaphorical warning shot from Justice Meyrshan. The subject just vanished, never came up again all day at one hundred Center Street, though Mershawn now says he will conduct another hearing into the gag Order and its violations next Wednesday, because, as any judge would obviously conclude from what was said at the Supreme Court yesterday, what's the rush? There was a lot of Pecker testimony about buying and selling stories and Trump refusing to reimburse him for the bribe. Karen McDougall, and yes, that was a lot of talk about Trump stiffing Pecker, and all Trump's defense has, by the way, is that Pecker met with prosecutors on August two, twenty eighteen, but he does not run remember the exact date. Therefore, something perhaps most interesting from the courtroom was a text by then National Inquirer editor in chief Dylan Howard to an unidentified relative, which the prosecution read. It was sent the night Trump was elected. Quote, He's just been named president elect. At least if he wins, Dylan Howard writes, I will be pardoned for electoral fraud. You may have heard that. Before the trial resumed in Manhattan yesterday, Trump had another one of these spontaneous interactions with real people. Like at the bodega last week in Harlem, it turned out to be entirely staffed by members of Young Republicans for Fascism. This time it was construction workers at Park and forty ninth who just happened to be wearing Trump merch. Badly, most media, especially the news operations in New York, did not recognize that this was an astro turf event, even with them all wearing hats with Trump lettering on it. Even after the Fox Morning Show team foolishly asked, it's not very bright. Reporter on the scene, Alexis McAdams, how all these construction workers found out about Trump being there? And she let the cat out of the bag, and she explained it had been pre arranged by the Trump campaign and all the guys you saw on camera had been vetted. By the way. If that reporter's name Alexis mccadams of Fox News, If that sounds familiar, Remember the Bentley that went airborne at the International Bridge at Niagara Falls just after Thanksgiving and Fox reported it had sources who had confirmed it was a terrorist act and the car was full of explosives, and then they began to speculate that it was a Hamas attack the US. The Fox reporter who had the sources confirming it was terrorism and a car full of stuff. Oops, it was really just a bad driver in a horrific accident. That reporter was Alexis McAdams and she still works there. There was news of a third Trump case yesterday. He will not get a new trial in the second Egene Carol case. The eighty million dollar award, at least not from Judge Lewis Kaplan. Honestly, we have to number all the court cases I have lost track in Trump adjacent legal news. Plea deal for ex marine John Perez, who was stalking former FBI lawyer Lisa Page. This is an example of the results of trump stochastic terrorism. Last December, this Perez showed up at least four times at Lisa Page's home, once interacting with her son. This was after the FBI had assured Page that he was no threat to her. She is still outraged and she should be. The yel they made with this guy only bans him from the DC area for the next six months and insists that he goes to therapy six times. A polling note, the swing towards Biden is so big that even five thirty eight dot com has begun to sit up and take notice. It's average of national polls, it says, is now tied. A month ago, it was Trump plus two. The state by states still has Trump ahead in the swing states. But if you think Trump is not panicking, you are wildly mistaken. He posted a graphic late yesterday after court Trump crushes Biden in Pennsylvania and beneath it Trump forty seven percent, Biden forty six percent, forty seven to forty six is crushing only if you are panicking. And to tie all this together, for years we I have wondered when Trump would hit what marathoners call the wall, that moment in the race when your stamina meets age and exhaustion and pain and gravity and you discover, to your dismay, oh look, gravity works. This was defendant Jay Trump as he reached the cameras after the day ended in court in New York yesterday. And you know how old he sounds. He sounds two hundred and six.

For monumental immunity, an immunity having to do with immunity immunity. Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens when you keep him from falling asleep in court? In that court? It started yesterday with the prosecution demanding he'd be found in contempt for remarks about Cohen and Pecker, and I aiming the jury remarks he literally made on the way into court minutes earlier, and then the entire subject of the gag order, and even some kind of metaphorical warning shot from Justice Meyrshan. The subject just vanished, never came up again all day at one hundred Center Street, though Mershawn now says he will conduct another hearing into the gag Order and its violations next Wednesday, because, as any judge would obviously conclude from what was said at the Supreme Court yesterday, what's the rush? There was a lot of Pecker testimony about buying and selling stories and Trump refusing to reimburse him for the bribe. Karen McDougall, and yes, that was a lot of talk about Trump stiffing Pecker, and all Trump's defense has, by the way, is that Pecker met with prosecutors on August two, twenty eighteen, but he does not run remember the exact date. Therefore, something perhaps most interesting from the courtroom was a text by then National Inquirer editor in chief Dylan Howard to an unidentified relative, which the prosecution read. It was sent the night Trump was elected. Quote, He's just been named president elect. At least if he wins, Dylan Howard writes, I will be pardoned for electoral fraud. You may have heard that. Before the trial resumed in Manhattan yesterday, Trump had another one of these spontaneous interactions with real people. Like at the bodega last week in Harlem, it turned out to be entirely staffed by members of Young Republicans for Fascism. This time it was construction workers at Park and forty ninth who just happened to be wearing Trump merch. Badly, most media, especially the news operations in New York, did not recognize that this was an astro turf event, even with them all wearing hats with Trump lettering on it. Even after the Fox Morning Show team foolishly asked, it's not very bright. Reporter on the scene, Alexis McAdams, how all these construction workers found out about Trump being there? And she let the cat out of the bag, and she explained it had been pre arranged by the Trump campaign and all the guys you saw on camera had been vetted. By the way. If that reporter's name Alexis mccadams of Fox News, If that sounds familiar, Remember the Bentley that went airborne at the International Bridge at Niagara Falls just after Thanksgiving and Fox reported it had sources who had confirmed it was a terrorist act and the car was full of explosives, and then they began to speculate that it was a Hamas attack the US. The Fox reporter who had the sources confirming it was terrorism and a car full of stuff. Oops, it was really just a bad driver in a horrific accident. That reporter was Alexis McAdams and she still works there. There was news of a third Trump case yesterday. He will not get a new trial in the second Egene Carol case. The eighty million dollar award, at least not from Judge Lewis Kaplan. Honestly, we have to number all the court cases I have lost track in Trump adjacent legal news. Plea deal for ex marine John Perez, who was stalking former FBI lawyer Lisa Page. This is an example of the results of trump stochastic terrorism. Last December, this Perez showed up at least four times at Lisa Page's home, once interacting with her son. This was after the FBI had assured Page that he was no threat to her. She is still outraged and she should be. The yel they made with this guy only bans him from the DC area for the next six months and insists that he goes to therapy six times. A polling note, the swing towards Biden is so big that even five thirty eight dot com has begun to sit up and take notice. It's average of national polls, it says, is now tied. A month ago, it was Trump plus two. The state by states still has Trump ahead in the swing states. But if you think Trump is not panicking, you are wildly mistaken. He posted a graphic late yesterday after court Trump crushes Biden in Pennsylvania and beneath it Trump forty seven percent, Biden forty six percent, forty seven to forty six is crushing only if you are panicking. And to tie all this together, for years we I have wondered when Trump would hit what marathoners call the wall, that moment in the race when your stamina meets age and exhaustion and pain and gravity and you discover, to your dismay, oh look, gravity works. This was defendant Jay Trump as he reached the cameras after the day ended in court in New York yesterday. And you know how old he sounds. He sounds two hundred and six.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Everybody today was breathtaking.

Everybody today was breathtaking.

This room is on.

This room is on.

What went on was breathtaking.

What went on was breathtaking.

And breath taking. You bet your ass. Trump's words may not be planned, and they are hardly logical, but never think they are random. He said it a couple of times he was having trouble breathing. It might be another explanation for that, however, other than the possibility that the proverbial sand is running out in his hourglass. Next time you hear Trump complain that the trial keeps him off the campaign trail, CNN is reporting that he spent the day off from the trial Wednesday playing golf in New Jersey. Also of interest here. Never before, Never before have all of the medallists in Worst Persons come from one newspaper and earned their spots because of one article about that one newspaper. The New York Times is not going to go out of business if you cancel your subscription, but it just has given you three more reasons to cancel it anyway. Clueless scumbags, unaware that their pomposity could cost us democracy. The New York Times scumbags. That's next. This is countdown.

And breath taking. You bet your ass. Trump's words may not be planned, and they are hardly logical, but never think they are random. He said it a couple of times he was having trouble breathing. It might be another explanation for that, however, other than the possibility that the proverbial sand is running out in his hourglass. Next time you hear Trump complain that the trial keeps him off the campaign trail, CNN is reporting that he spent the day off from the trial Wednesday playing golf in New Jersey. Also of interest here. Never before, Never before have all of the medallists in Worst Persons come from one newspaper and earned their spots because of one article about that one newspaper. The New York Times is not going to go out of business if you cancel your subscription, but it just has given you three more reasons to cancel it anyway. Clueless scumbags, unaware that their pomposity could cost us democracy. The New York Times scumbags. That's next. This is countdown.

This is countdown with Keith old Woman.

This is countdown with Keith old Woman.

Still ahead of us on this initiative. Countdown Fridays with Thurber and without Trump, and without politics, and without anything resembling Trump or politics. Thurber's quiet, subtle condemnation of a practical jokester from Hell. Meet Bertie Doggett. Next first, still more new idiots to talk about. The daily round up with the miscreants, morons and dunning kruegerfecs specimens who constitute today's worst persons in The New York Times. And as I teased, something special, all the winners today come from the same newspaper, Your New York Times. And they come from the same article about the same newspaper a piece by Eli Stokels in Politico. I am a daily critic of Politico, but occasionally it does catch lightning in a bottle, and very deftly. In fact, this fits in with this week's Thurber story. It's subtle and you never really notice the knife drawn, let alone plunged. Politico lets the New York Times destroy itself on one topic. The piece is about why the Times has what is obvious to everyone else accept people at the Times a grudge against President Biden, and why it is actually slanting its coverage against him, even though other parts of the newspaper appear to be awareasionally that the democracy is at stake, and any gratuitous criticism of Biden, like the Times weekly piece on how old he is or its weekly stupid column by Maureen Dowd, how that increases the chances that we'll have, you know, a dictatorship next January. I have said here repeatedly that it is clear that the people who run the New York Times think they will somehow be issued passes that will keep them from going to the Fred Trump Memorial media re education concentration camp with the rest of us. I mean, they really simultaneously perceive the threat, and yet they don't seem to remember they would be among the first or second group of people to be punished or persecuted, or prosecuted or literally rounded up. Because whatever petty, childish complaints they have about how Joe Biden deals with them, and however Biden and the White House really feel about The Times, guess what Trump and his monstrous fascists really don't like The Times and would like to see its building burned to the ground. The Stokels piece for Politico points out episodes in which the White House might have been nicer, or more generous, or fed the Times unimaginably large opinion of itself a little more. But mostly it just lets key Times people hoist themselves with their own petards. And the three who are the biggest petards are our worst person's medalists today, the bronze worse. Elizabeth but Miller, Washington, Bureau chief of The New York Times. I know you've never heard of her. I've heard of her. People in the business have heard of her. She's Northwestern, she's Columbia journalism. She was the White House correspondent, So in Times land she's a Hall of Famer and one day in March twenty twenty three, somebody at the Times DC bureau screwed up. It wasn't a regular White House reporter, so when he asked a Biden administration spokesman for a quote late one night on a story, the spokesman emailed one back on background, meaning you could say it was from the administration, but you could not say who personally said it. It's silly, stupid kind of rules, like the way figure skating used to start with school figures, where the skaters had to prove that they could trace figure eights into the ice before they could actually dance. But these guys still have the journalistic equivalent of school figures. They still performed these stupid rituals, and the Times guy screwed it up. He wrote a seven instead of an eight. He printed the spokesman's name, he attributed the quote that was supposed to be on background. While the White House got pissed it asked to speak to the Times White House editor, and the same guy who screwed up the quote now screwed up again and gave them the wrong phone number, not the number of the Times White House editor, but the number of the Times Washington Editor her honor, Queen Elizabeth B. Miller. According to Politico, bue Miller quote express dismay that the issue had been escalated to her level, was reluctant to alter a story that had already been online for over twelve hours. When the White House tried to bring up another concern with the story, bu Miller just hung up. As Political explains, there have been bad feelings ever since, bad feelings at the Times. The Washington bureau chief of the Times is so important that when she felt like the problem and the person calling about the problem from the White House were beneath her, she hung up on them. And the Times is mad at the White House because the Washington New York Times bureau chief hung up on the White House. They're not being realistic about what we do for a living. Politico quotes Elizabeth bu Miller is telling them, you could be a force for demachocracy, liberal democracy. You don't have to be a force for the Biden Whitehouse. I think the technical term for that is ass clownery. When exactly do you plan to start being a force for liberal democracy? Elizabeth ask clown? B Miller The runner up worser Peter Baker. I don't know how many times I've mentioned Peter Baker here and in other venues. I know he hasn't noticed because my podcasts are not available to him up there on his high horse. He is one of those Times guys, not just from the Times, but he's one of the ones at the Times who withheld news of the Trump administration debacles until he could get a book deal. He also once insisted that Joe Biden's job had been made more difficult by quote a tough column by David Ignatius. Well, that's a good way to start to assess Peter Baker. He thinks stuff written by long forgotten pontificators in the Times is what makes life difficult for the president of the effing United States. Not fascism or Trump or insurrections or the Supreme Court or Putin or the Republicans, or North Korea or climate change. No, no, David Ignatius is making life difficult for Biden anyway. The Politico piece has two wonderful vignettes reemphasizing how clueless and condescending Peter Baker is. It's Baker who's written most of the Biden age stories. He told Politico quote. Every White House I've covered complains about our coverage. It comes with the territory. But because of Trump, there's this new assumption that the New York Times and other media are supposed to put their thumb on the scale and take sides, and we don't do that. I am reminded suddenly of my favorite TV news promo of all time. The BBC ran this for year. It featured their Washington bureau chief, arrogant and disconnected from reality as Peter Baker is, and as she walked through the streets of DC, condescendingly insisting that the BBC could be trusted and nobody else could because the BBC had never taken sides in any election, or story or war. These words appeared as giant sculptures behind her on the streets she traversed. The first time I saw this promo, I burst out laughing. I actually wrote somebody I knew at the BBC and said, are we sure about this? The BBC never took sides in any war? How about that one war when it was sending out secret coded messages to British troops in the newscasts and secret coded messages to resistance fighters around the world in their music shows. I mean, you know that Big War what is it called the Big War with Hitler? Where Hitler was specifically sending bombers to London to blow up the bill the BBC was in the BBC was an actual written Hitler target. What was that World War something? What was it called that they took the side? What was it? Come on, come down? World War World War twelve twelve something with a two in it? Did you take sides in that one? They eventually killed the promo? Well, I hope you damn will did take sides in that promo. And Peter Baker because of Trump, there's this new assumption that the New York Times and other media are supposed to put their thumb on the scale, take sides, and we don't do that. Hey, guess what, you're wrong. You don't have to treat other people fairly if they're trying to kill democracy and kill the constitution and kill free pres and oh, by the way, kill you, Peter Baker. This isn't a game. We don't do that. We don't put our thumb on this not a scale. These guys were at the Supreme Court yesterday insisting assassinations and military coups were all part of their president's official duties. You think wiping out The New York Times is going to take more than half a day under President Dictator heil Hitler Trump. And oh, by the way, Baker, nobody is asking you to put your thumb on the scale. They're asking you to take it off the scale and to stop doing unethical, unjournalistic things like covering up Donald Trump's malfeasance in office and keeping it out of your goddamned newspaper until you get your book advance. And by the way, it isn't your thumb you've put on the scale, Peter Baker, it's your schlung. Zip it up, boy. But our winner, the Times boss, the publisher Ag Sulzberger, who got The Times for free. The newspaper writes Politico carries its own singular obsession with the president, aggrieved over his refusal to give the paper a sit down interview that publisher Ag Sulzberger and the other top editors believe to be its birthright. It gets worse last May, when Vice President Kamala Harris arrived at the newspaper's Midtown headquarters for an off the record meeting with around forty Times journalists, Salzburger devoted several minutes to asking her why Biden was still refusing. In Salzburger's view, according to two people familiar with his private comments on the subject, only an interview with a paper like The Times can verify that the eighty one year old Biden is still fit to hold the presidency. Unquote. If that's true, Ag Salzburger thinks the Times is, you know, like the Supreme Court, but the ps to resistance. In the entire political piece about Ag Sealzburger is an anonymous quote about this publisher who got The Times for free, and about which, once they've read it, the Times is likely to launch I don't know, a six month, eight hundred and eighty seven million dollar internal investigation quote. These Biden people think that the problem is Peter Baker or whatever reporter they're mad at. That day, one Times journalist said it's Ag. He's the one who is pissed that Biden hasn't done any interviews and quietly encourages all the tough reporting on his age. Oh man, cancel your Time subscriptions. I did, and I've been a subscriber since nineteen sixty nine, and the New York Times can go f itself. Ag Selzberger, publisher of the New York Times. Remember, Ag, if Trump wins, at least as they march you off to the camps alongside me and all those Biden press aids, you can go to the gulag happy knowing that you sure showed Joe Biden two days worst person. And I believe the first time I ever heard James Thurber read aloud, it was by William Windham, the great actor who did so much serious stuff, drama, comedy. He's a Star Trek Original series key figure. He did a lot of great acting in so many different roles. And he did a special on PBS when I was in college in which he performed as James Thurber, narrated some of the drawings, recited from memory, many of the short story and many of the longer ones too, And I later had the pleasure of telling him that he was my inspiration for reading James Thurber aloud, and we corresponded about how to possibly improve some of the diceier parts of some of the Thurber stories and make them useful for twenty first century America. Mister Wyndham died about ten years ago, and I lament him still. I recorded on tape his Thurber Special on PBS, and I still have it, not videotape, audiotape, a cassette. We didn't have home videotape, although I'm proud to say he sent me a copy of a DVD of the performance, and one of the stories he reads, or in fact recites, I will now read for you it is. I like it very much. It's not considered part of the great canon of James Thurber, but I think it's terrific. And it's called Shake Hands with Bertie Doggett by James Thurber. John Bertie dogget known as Bertie to the few people who speak to him, must be fifty three now, but he wears his years with a smirk, and he has as bad a practical joker as ever. Other American cutups in the Grand Tradition began to disappear in October nineteen twenty nine, and they are as hard to find now as bison. But Dogget's waggishness has no calendar. You must have run into him at some party or other. He's the man whose right hand comes off when you try to shake it. The late George Bancroft once pulled that gag in a movie, but that was so long ago the picture must be a cherished item in the Museum of Modern Arts Film Library even now. When everybody else was running the gamut of bomb fear from A to H. Bertie dogget was at Grand Central with one roller skate, which he managed to attach to the shoe of a man sleeping on a bench. When the fellow woke and stood up, he described a brief, desperate semi circle clutched a woman shopper about the knees, dragged her and her bundles to the cold floor, and was attacked by her muzzled Scottie Dogged, as always, was the first to lend a hand, helping the woman to her feet, and then turning to the man, where the hell's your other skate? He demanded, sharply, that's what caused all this trouble. He took his skate off the victim's foot and disappeared into the crowd that had begun to gather. What's the matter over there, a small man asked him apprehensively. Doggett shrugged, Uh. They found a woman with a ticking package, he said. The other man turned and left the station, missing the train he had told his wife he would take. Doggett's pranks usually have the effect of involving people on their far edges, one of two of whom have been divorced as a result. A publisher I know thinks dogget would make a good story. I disagree, because I don't think they're anything good about the fellow, but I have done some checking up on him out of force of habit. His father, the late Carol Lamb Dogget, was a Methodist minister, and his mother was a witch. Born at a June Birdie. When her son was only ten, she taught him how to set stranger's umbrellas on fire. After an April shower, she would sally forth with the little Hellion. They lived in Dayton in search of a citizen with a floppy umbrella. After an April shower, Dayton men lower their umbrellas without bothering to roll them. Missus Dogget would hunt until she found a man waiting for a street car, his umbrella sagging open at his side. She would then surreptitiously fill the umbrella with paper, several dozen kitchen matches, and perhaps one or two ping pong balls. As the street car approached, she would drop a lighted match into the umbrella. Now, hell, hath no dismay like that of aman whose wet umbrella suddenly bursts into flame. Instead of rolling the thing to smother the blaze or simply throwing it away, nine out of ten men, according to Dogget's statistics, will flail it around in the air, thus increasing the conflagration. Many of Missus Doggett's victims were arrested for disturbing the peace or for arson. Bertie Doggett has never been much interested in the exasperating paraphernalia of the trick and puzzle shops. He still uses the wax hand, and he has tried out dribble glasses, whoopee cushions, the foul smelling stuff you put on chair bottoms to make people think they've just sat on a lighted cigarette, and other such juvenile props. But they never got a real hold on his fancy. He likes the elaborate rib involving a lot of people, the more the better. He will take a sackful of cold poached egg eggs to some crowded Fifth Avenue store at Christmas time and slipped them one at a time into the pockets of shoppers husbands, and he dreams of bumping into a woman visitor in the ancient glass and crystal room of some museum, dropping an ordinary table tumbler on the tile floor, and sobbing. Sweet God, lady, you have broken the sacred chalice of King Alexander and making her believe it. He has pulled this gag over and over since nineteen twenty four, but never successfully, with the result that he has appeared sixteen times in Jefferson Market Court alone on charges of disturbing the peace, jostling, and molestation. What doug Ittt probably enjoys more than anything else is following a couple of women along Fifth Avenue or Madison, keeping discreetly out of sight but well within earshot, until he hears one of the two ladies call the other by name. He says that women are fond of using each other's full name, as in Miriam Shirtle, I never heard of such a thing in all my born days. As soon as missus Shirtle let us say has thus been fully identified, Doggett will walk briskly ahead for several blocks and then retrace his steps. This soon brings him face to face with his quarry, upon whom he will pounce with a delighted Why, Miriam Shirtle, fancy meeting you here uncross those lovely eyes and tell me I have been a young woman he wants accosted like this in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, asked him to her house for cocktails in the hope that some member of her family would know who he was, but nobody was home. His hostess turned out to be a bore, so Bertie put knockout drops in her second martini, and after she had passed out, he stole a marble plaque of Kitchener from her mother's room and he went away. The next day it arrived at the Shirtles, beautifully wrapped and bearing a card with the simple legend Merry Christmas from the President of the United States. John Bertie Dogget married a tapioca brain one afternoon twenty years ago, possibly because he had lost a bet. Nobody knows. He took her to his house and told her to wait in the living room while he went upstairs and quieted his two great danes. He put a record of a dog fight on a phonograph he kept in his bedroom and slipped quietly out the back door. At three in the morning, he showed up in the living room with two match players, lou Gettling and Vic Talbot. Who's this, disconsolate female Talbot demanded fairly, using an incurable antipathy to games of chance and cunning, The bride drew herself up stiffly. I am missus John Bertie dogget she said, striving for a outeur. The name will not sustain. I forgot about her wind Doggett. After all, we haven't been married twenty or thirty years. I've only been married eleven hours, Missus Doggett. The former Ann Kheley, went home to her mother, Missus Paul W. Coeley, and never saw Bertie again. I join her in the fervent hope that he may someday choke on his candied dice and pass forever out of our consciousness. He is a hard man to forget, though. I never start to get out of a chair no matter where I am, without glancing at my shoes to see if I am wearing one roller skate, and feeling in my.

Still ahead of us on this initiative. Countdown Fridays with Thurber and without Trump, and without politics, and without anything resembling Trump or politics. Thurber's quiet, subtle condemnation of a practical jokester from Hell. Meet Bertie Doggett. Next first, still more new idiots to talk about. The daily round up with the miscreants, morons and dunning kruegerfecs specimens who constitute today's worst persons in The New York Times. And as I teased, something special, all the winners today come from the same newspaper, Your New York Times. And they come from the same article about the same newspaper a piece by Eli Stokels in Politico. I am a daily critic of Politico, but occasionally it does catch lightning in a bottle, and very deftly. In fact, this fits in with this week's Thurber story. It's subtle and you never really notice the knife drawn, let alone plunged. Politico lets the New York Times destroy itself on one topic. The piece is about why the Times has what is obvious to everyone else accept people at the Times a grudge against President Biden, and why it is actually slanting its coverage against him, even though other parts of the newspaper appear to be awareasionally that the democracy is at stake, and any gratuitous criticism of Biden, like the Times weekly piece on how old he is or its weekly stupid column by Maureen Dowd, how that increases the chances that we'll have, you know, a dictatorship next January. I have said here repeatedly that it is clear that the people who run the New York Times think they will somehow be issued passes that will keep them from going to the Fred Trump Memorial media re education concentration camp with the rest of us. I mean, they really simultaneously perceive the threat, and yet they don't seem to remember they would be among the first or second group of people to be punished or persecuted, or prosecuted or literally rounded up. Because whatever petty, childish complaints they have about how Joe Biden deals with them, and however Biden and the White House really feel about The Times, guess what Trump and his monstrous fascists really don't like The Times and would like to see its building burned to the ground. The Stokels piece for Politico points out episodes in which the White House might have been nicer, or more generous, or fed the Times unimaginably large opinion of itself a little more. But mostly it just lets key Times people hoist themselves with their own petards. And the three who are the biggest petards are our worst person's medalists today, the bronze worse. Elizabeth but Miller, Washington, Bureau chief of The New York Times. I know you've never heard of her. I've heard of her. People in the business have heard of her. She's Northwestern, she's Columbia journalism. She was the White House correspondent, So in Times land she's a Hall of Famer and one day in March twenty twenty three, somebody at the Times DC bureau screwed up. It wasn't a regular White House reporter, so when he asked a Biden administration spokesman for a quote late one night on a story, the spokesman emailed one back on background, meaning you could say it was from the administration, but you could not say who personally said it. It's silly, stupid kind of rules, like the way figure skating used to start with school figures, where the skaters had to prove that they could trace figure eights into the ice before they could actually dance. But these guys still have the journalistic equivalent of school figures. They still performed these stupid rituals, and the Times guy screwed it up. He wrote a seven instead of an eight. He printed the spokesman's name, he attributed the quote that was supposed to be on background. While the White House got pissed it asked to speak to the Times White House editor, and the same guy who screwed up the quote now screwed up again and gave them the wrong phone number, not the number of the Times White House editor, but the number of the Times Washington Editor her honor, Queen Elizabeth B. Miller. According to Politico, bue Miller quote express dismay that the issue had been escalated to her level, was reluctant to alter a story that had already been online for over twelve hours. When the White House tried to bring up another concern with the story, bu Miller just hung up. As Political explains, there have been bad feelings ever since, bad feelings at the Times. The Washington bureau chief of the Times is so important that when she felt like the problem and the person calling about the problem from the White House were beneath her, she hung up on them. And the Times is mad at the White House because the Washington New York Times bureau chief hung up on the White House. They're not being realistic about what we do for a living. Politico quotes Elizabeth bu Miller is telling them, you could be a force for demachocracy, liberal democracy. You don't have to be a force for the Biden Whitehouse. I think the technical term for that is ass clownery. When exactly do you plan to start being a force for liberal democracy? Elizabeth ask clown? B Miller The runner up worser Peter Baker. I don't know how many times I've mentioned Peter Baker here and in other venues. I know he hasn't noticed because my podcasts are not available to him up there on his high horse. He is one of those Times guys, not just from the Times, but he's one of the ones at the Times who withheld news of the Trump administration debacles until he could get a book deal. He also once insisted that Joe Biden's job had been made more difficult by quote a tough column by David Ignatius. Well, that's a good way to start to assess Peter Baker. He thinks stuff written by long forgotten pontificators in the Times is what makes life difficult for the president of the effing United States. Not fascism or Trump or insurrections or the Supreme Court or Putin or the Republicans, or North Korea or climate change. No, no, David Ignatius is making life difficult for Biden anyway. The Politico piece has two wonderful vignettes reemphasizing how clueless and condescending Peter Baker is. It's Baker who's written most of the Biden age stories. He told Politico quote. Every White House I've covered complains about our coverage. It comes with the territory. But because of Trump, there's this new assumption that the New York Times and other media are supposed to put their thumb on the scale and take sides, and we don't do that. I am reminded suddenly of my favorite TV news promo of all time. The BBC ran this for year. It featured their Washington bureau chief, arrogant and disconnected from reality as Peter Baker is, and as she walked through the streets of DC, condescendingly insisting that the BBC could be trusted and nobody else could because the BBC had never taken sides in any election, or story or war. These words appeared as giant sculptures behind her on the streets she traversed. The first time I saw this promo, I burst out laughing. I actually wrote somebody I knew at the BBC and said, are we sure about this? The BBC never took sides in any war? How about that one war when it was sending out secret coded messages to British troops in the newscasts and secret coded messages to resistance fighters around the world in their music shows. I mean, you know that Big War what is it called the Big War with Hitler? Where Hitler was specifically sending bombers to London to blow up the bill the BBC was in the BBC was an actual written Hitler target. What was that World War something? What was it called that they took the side? What was it? Come on, come down? World War World War twelve twelve something with a two in it? Did you take sides in that one? They eventually killed the promo? Well, I hope you damn will did take sides in that promo. And Peter Baker because of Trump, there's this new assumption that the New York Times and other media are supposed to put their thumb on the scale, take sides, and we don't do that. Hey, guess what, you're wrong. You don't have to treat other people fairly if they're trying to kill democracy and kill the constitution and kill free pres and oh, by the way, kill you, Peter Baker. This isn't a game. We don't do that. We don't put our thumb on this not a scale. These guys were at the Supreme Court yesterday insisting assassinations and military coups were all part of their president's official duties. You think wiping out The New York Times is going to take more than half a day under President Dictator heil Hitler Trump. And oh, by the way, Baker, nobody is asking you to put your thumb on the scale. They're asking you to take it off the scale and to stop doing unethical, unjournalistic things like covering up Donald Trump's malfeasance in office and keeping it out of your goddamned newspaper until you get your book advance. And by the way, it isn't your thumb you've put on the scale, Peter Baker, it's your schlung. Zip it up, boy. But our winner, the Times boss, the publisher Ag Sulzberger, who got The Times for free. The newspaper writes Politico carries its own singular obsession with the president, aggrieved over his refusal to give the paper a sit down interview that publisher Ag Sulzberger and the other top editors believe to be its birthright. It gets worse last May, when Vice President Kamala Harris arrived at the newspaper's Midtown headquarters for an off the record meeting with around forty Times journalists, Salzburger devoted several minutes to asking her why Biden was still refusing. In Salzburger's view, according to two people familiar with his private comments on the subject, only an interview with a paper like The Times can verify that the eighty one year old Biden is still fit to hold the presidency. Unquote. If that's true, Ag Salzburger thinks the Times is, you know, like the Supreme Court, but the ps to resistance. In the entire political piece about Ag Sealzburger is an anonymous quote about this publisher who got The Times for free, and about which, once they've read it, the Times is likely to launch I don't know, a six month, eight hundred and eighty seven million dollar internal investigation quote. These Biden people think that the problem is Peter Baker or whatever reporter they're mad at. That day, one Times journalist said it's Ag. He's the one who is pissed that Biden hasn't done any interviews and quietly encourages all the tough reporting on his age. Oh man, cancel your Time subscriptions. I did, and I've been a subscriber since nineteen sixty nine, and the New York Times can go f itself. Ag Selzberger, publisher of the New York Times. Remember, Ag, if Trump wins, at least as they march you off to the camps alongside me and all those Biden press aids, you can go to the gulag happy knowing that you sure showed Joe Biden two days worst person. And I believe the first time I ever heard James Thurber read aloud, it was by William Windham, the great actor who did so much serious stuff, drama, comedy. He's a Star Trek Original series key figure. He did a lot of great acting in so many different roles. And he did a special on PBS when I was in college in which he performed as James Thurber, narrated some of the drawings, recited from memory, many of the short story and many of the longer ones too, And I later had the pleasure of telling him that he was my inspiration for reading James Thurber aloud, and we corresponded about how to possibly improve some of the diceier parts of some of the Thurber stories and make them useful for twenty first century America. Mister Wyndham died about ten years ago, and I lament him still. I recorded on tape his Thurber Special on PBS, and I still have it, not videotape, audiotape, a cassette. We didn't have home videotape, although I'm proud to say he sent me a copy of a DVD of the performance, and one of the stories he reads, or in fact recites, I will now read for you it is. I like it very much. It's not considered part of the great canon of James Thurber, but I think it's terrific. And it's called Shake Hands with Bertie Doggett by James Thurber. John Bertie dogget known as Bertie to the few people who speak to him, must be fifty three now, but he wears his years with a smirk, and he has as bad a practical joker as ever. Other American cutups in the Grand Tradition began to disappear in October nineteen twenty nine, and they are as hard to find now as bison. But Dogget's waggishness has no calendar. You must have run into him at some party or other. He's the man whose right hand comes off when you try to shake it. The late George Bancroft once pulled that gag in a movie, but that was so long ago the picture must be a cherished item in the Museum of Modern Arts Film Library even now. When everybody else was running the gamut of bomb fear from A to H. Bertie dogget was at Grand Central with one roller skate, which he managed to attach to the shoe of a man sleeping on a bench. When the fellow woke and stood up, he described a brief, desperate semi circle clutched a woman shopper about the knees, dragged her and her bundles to the cold floor, and was attacked by her muzzled Scottie Dogged, as always, was the first to lend a hand, helping the woman to her feet, and then turning to the man, where the hell's your other skate? He demanded, sharply, that's what caused all this trouble. He took his skate off the victim's foot and disappeared into the crowd that had begun to gather. What's the matter over there, a small man asked him apprehensively. Doggett shrugged, Uh. They found a woman with a ticking package, he said. The other man turned and left the station, missing the train he had told his wife he would take. Doggett's pranks usually have the effect of involving people on their far edges, one of two of whom have been divorced as a result. A publisher I know thinks dogget would make a good story. I disagree, because I don't think they're anything good about the fellow, but I have done some checking up on him out of force of habit. His father, the late Carol Lamb Dogget, was a Methodist minister, and his mother was a witch. Born at a June Birdie. When her son was only ten, she taught him how to set stranger's umbrellas on fire. After an April shower, she would sally forth with the little Hellion. They lived in Dayton in search of a citizen with a floppy umbrella. After an April shower, Dayton men lower their umbrellas without bothering to roll them. Missus Dogget would hunt until she found a man waiting for a street car, his umbrella sagging open at his side. She would then surreptitiously fill the umbrella with paper, several dozen kitchen matches, and perhaps one or two ping pong balls. As the street car approached, she would drop a lighted match into the umbrella. Now, hell, hath no dismay like that of aman whose wet umbrella suddenly bursts into flame. Instead of rolling the thing to smother the blaze or simply throwing it away, nine out of ten men, according to Dogget's statistics, will flail it around in the air, thus increasing the conflagration. Many of Missus Doggett's victims were arrested for disturbing the peace or for arson. Bertie Doggett has never been much interested in the exasperating paraphernalia of the trick and puzzle shops. He still uses the wax hand, and he has tried out dribble glasses, whoopee cushions, the foul smelling stuff you put on chair bottoms to make people think they've just sat on a lighted cigarette, and other such juvenile props. But they never got a real hold on his fancy. He likes the elaborate rib involving a lot of people, the more the better. He will take a sackful of cold poached egg eggs to some crowded Fifth Avenue store at Christmas time and slipped them one at a time into the pockets of shoppers husbands, and he dreams of bumping into a woman visitor in the ancient glass and crystal room of some museum, dropping an ordinary table tumbler on the tile floor, and sobbing. Sweet God, lady, you have broken the sacred chalice of King Alexander and making her believe it. He has pulled this gag over and over since nineteen twenty four, but never successfully, with the result that he has appeared sixteen times in Jefferson Market Court alone on charges of disturbing the peace, jostling, and molestation. What doug Ittt probably enjoys more than anything else is following a couple of women along Fifth Avenue or Madison, keeping discreetly out of sight but well within earshot, until he hears one of the two ladies call the other by name. He says that women are fond of using each other's full name, as in Miriam Shirtle, I never heard of such a thing in all my born days. As soon as missus Shirtle let us say has thus been fully identified, Doggett will walk briskly ahead for several blocks and then retrace his steps. This soon brings him face to face with his quarry, upon whom he will pounce with a delighted Why, Miriam Shirtle, fancy meeting you here uncross those lovely eyes and tell me I have been a young woman he wants accosted like this in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, asked him to her house for cocktails in the hope that some member of her family would know who he was, but nobody was home. His hostess turned out to be a bore, so Bertie put knockout drops in her second martini, and after she had passed out, he stole a marble plaque of Kitchener from her mother's room and he went away. The next day it arrived at the Shirtles, beautifully wrapped and bearing a card with the simple legend Merry Christmas from the President of the United States. John Bertie Dogget married a tapioca brain one afternoon twenty years ago, possibly because he had lost a bet. Nobody knows. He took her to his house and told her to wait in the living room while he went upstairs and quieted his two great danes. He put a record of a dog fight on a phonograph he kept in his bedroom and slipped quietly out the back door. At three in the morning, he showed up in the living room with two match players, lou Gettling and Vic Talbot. Who's this, disconsolate female Talbot demanded fairly, using an incurable antipathy to games of chance and cunning, The bride drew herself up stiffly. I am missus John Bertie dogget she said, striving for a outeur. The name will not sustain. I forgot about her wind Doggett. After all, we haven't been married twenty or thirty years. I've only been married eleven hours, Missus Doggett. The former Ann Kheley, went home to her mother, Missus Paul W. Coeley, and never saw Bertie again. I join her in the fervent hope that he may someday choke on his candied dice and pass forever out of our consciousness. He is a hard man to forget, though. I never start to get out of a chair no matter where I am, without glancing at my shoes to see if I am wearing one roller skate, and feeling in my.

Pockets for old cold eggs.

Pockets for old cold eggs.

I've done all the damage I can do here. Thank you for listening. Countdown. Musical directors Brian Ray and John Phillip Schanel arranged, produced, and performed most of our music. Mister Ray was on guitars, bass and drums, Mister Shanelle handled orchestration and keyboards, and it was produced by Tko Brothers. Other music, including some of the Beethoven compositions, arranged and performed by the group No Horns Allowed. Sports Music is the Olderman theme from ESPN two. It was written by Mitch Warren Davis and it appears courtesy of ESPN Inc. Our satirical and pithy musical comments are by Nancy Fauss. The best baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer today was my friend Jonathan Banks from Breaking Bad and everything else was pretty much my fault. So that's countdown for this. The one hundred and ninety fourth day until the twenty twenty four presidential election, the one two hundred and seventh day since Dementia J. Trump's first attempted coup against the democratically elected government of the United States. Use the not regular given elector objection option, use the Insurrection Act, use the justice system, use the mental health system to stop him from doing it again. While we still can and before the Supreme Court stops us. The next scheduled countdown is Tuesday, Boltons as the news warrants till then, I'm Keith Olderman. Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good luck. Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I've done all the damage I can do here. Thank you for listening. Countdown. Musical directors Brian Ray and John Phillip Schanel arranged, produced, and performed most of our music. Mister Ray was on guitars, bass and drums, Mister Shanelle handled orchestration and keyboards, and it was produced by Tko Brothers. Other music, including some of the Beethoven compositions, arranged and performed by the group No Horns Allowed. Sports Music is the Olderman theme from ESPN two. It was written by Mitch Warren Davis and it appears courtesy of ESPN Inc. Our satirical and pithy musical comments are by Nancy Fauss. The best baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer today was my friend Jonathan Banks from Breaking Bad and everything else was pretty much my fault. So that's countdown for this. The one hundred and ninety fourth day until the twenty twenty four presidential election, the one two hundred and seventh day since Dementia J. Trump's first attempted coup against the democratically elected government of the United States. Use the not regular given elector objection option, use the Insurrection Act, use the justice system, use the mental health system to stop him from doing it again. While we still can and before the Supreme Court stops us. The next scheduled countdown is Tuesday, Boltons as the news warrants till then, I'm Keith Olderman. Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good luck. Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.