“When I numbed anxiety and uncertainty, I also numbed beauty and joy.”

That moment of clarity from Ericka Graham came after years of abusing prescription drugs, when God met her in a beautiful way involving a bumble bee and a flower. The point? Substances numb the bad, sure, but they also numb the good.

But addiction isn't the whole of Ericka's story. From a young age, she also struggled with obsessive-compulsive disorder—compulsions, intrusive thoughts, and scrupulosity, the form of OCD that focuses on faith and religious rituals.

In this episode, Ericka shares how OCD and scrupulosity quietly trained her nervous system to look for relief through control. She explains how religious fear, perfectionism, and an all-or-nothing mindset made it difficult to tell the difference between faith and compulsion—and how those same patterns eventually showed up in disordered eating and prescription medication abuse. None of it looked alarming from the outside. She was high-functioning, responsible, and sincere. But internally, anxiety was running the show.

Ericka also reflects on the night in an emergency room that her denial cracked, why recovery didn’t begin with willpower, and how learning to sit with uncertainty became a crucial part of healing from both addiction and OCD-driven control.

This conversation is for anyone who lives with intrusive thoughts, spiritual anxiety, or the exhausting need to get it “right,” and for those who’ve learned to cope quietly rather than ask for help. Ericka’s story is a reminder that numbness is never selective—and that real healing often begins when we stop managing ourselves and allow God to meet us in our fear instead of our certainty.

We explore: 

– How anxiety quietly fueled Ericka’s need for control
– The early signs of compulsive behavior that were easy to overlook
– Why high-functioning coping often delays honesty
– How numbing anxiety also numbs joy, beauty, and connection
– The progression from disordered eating to prescription drug abuse
– Why denial can coexist with sincerity and faith
– The moment that finally cracked her self-deception
– The difference between willpower and surrender in recovery
– How recovery reshaped her experience of God
– Why feeling again was both terrifying and necessary

Ericka's podcast: Curiously

Follow Ericka: @mrserickagraham

Follow me: @jonseidl

Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic.

&ldquo;When I numbed anxiety and uncertainty, I also numbed beauty and joy.&rdquo;
That moment of clarity from Ericka Graham came after years of abusing prescription drugs, when God met her in a beautiful way involving a bumble bee and a flower. The point? Substances numb the bad, sure, but they also numb the good.
But addiction isn't the whole of Ericka's story. From a young age, she also struggled with obsessive-compulsive disorder&mdash;compulsions, intrusive thoughts, and scrupulosity, the form of OCD that focuses on faith and religious rituals.
In this episode, Ericka shares how OCD and scrupulosity quietly trained her nervous system to look for relief through control. She explains how religious fear, perfectionism, and an all-or-nothing mindset made it difficult to tell the difference between faith and compulsion&mdash;and how those same patterns eventually showed up in disordered eating and prescription medication abuse. None of it looked alarming from the outside. She was high-functioning, responsible, and sincere. But internally, anxiety was running the show.
Ericka also reflects on the night in an emergency room that her denial cracked, why recovery didn&rsquo;t begin with willpower, and how learning to sit with uncertainty became a crucial part of healing from both addiction and OCD-driven control.
This conversation is for anyone who lives with intrusive thoughts, spiritual anxiety, or the exhausting need to get it &ldquo;right,&rdquo; and for those who&rsquo;ve learned to cope quietly rather than ask for help. Ericka&rsquo;s story is a reminder that numbness is never selective&mdash;and that real healing often begins when we stop managing ourselves and allow God to meet us in our fear instead of our certainty.
We explore:&nbsp;
&ndash; How anxiety quietly fueled Ericka&rsquo;s need for control &ndash; The early signs of compulsive behavior that were easy to overlook &ndash; Why high-functioning coping often delays honesty &ndash; How numbing anxiety also numbs joy, beauty, and connection &ndash; The progression from disordered eating to prescription drug abuse &ndash; Why denial can coexist with sincerity and faith &ndash; The moment that finally cracked her self-deception &ndash; The difference between willpower and surrender in recovery &ndash; How recovery reshaped her experience of God &ndash; Why feeling again was both terrifying and necessary
Ericka's podcast: <a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/curiously-with-ericka-graham/id1698590656">Curiously</a>
Follow Ericka: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/mrserickagraham">@mrserickagraham</a>
Follow me: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/jonseidl/">@jonseidl</a>
Order my new book, <a href="https://amzn.to/4opuOt">Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic</a>.

Jon Seidl is the bestselling Christian author who became an alcoholic, not the other way around. It's usually the other way around. Or is it? "Confessions of a Christian alcoholic" (based on the book by the same title) is all about real stories, radical vulnerability, and remarkable comebacks of people who have struggled with alcoholism and addictions of all sorts. The show features interviews with fellow addicts and alcoholics as well as professionals in the fields of trauma, faith, and addiction recovery. Because let's be honest, we're all addicted to something. "Confessions" is a place for the desperate, the downtrodden, the destitute, and especially, the drunk. But it's also a place of hope and healing. Jon found sobriety after decades of struggling, but more importantly than finding sobriety, he found Jesus. In every episode, he gets radically vulnerable as he explores what it looks like to be on this journey of messy sanctification. Visit christianalcoholic.com for more resources.

Jon Seidl is the bestselling Christian author who became an alcoholic, not the other way around. It's usually the other way around. Or is it? "Confessions of a Christian alcoholic" (based on the book by the same title) is all about real stories, radical vulnerability, and remarkable comebacks of people who have struggled with alcoholism and addictions of all sorts. The show features interviews with fellow addicts and alcoholics as well as professionals in the fields of trauma, faith, and addiction recovery. Because let's be honest, we're all addicted to something. "Confessions" is a place for the desperate, the downtrodden, the destitute, and especially, the drunk. But it's also a place of hope and healing. Jon found sobriety after decades of struggling, but more importantly than finding sobriety, he found Jesus. In every episode, he gets radically vulnerable as he explores what it looks like to be on this journey of messy sanctification. Visit <a href="http://christianalcoholic.com/" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=http://christianalcoholic.com&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1747239325727000&amp;usg=AOvVaw1G-752Q-1dyjq6GN5gt7xw">christianalcoholic.com</a> for more resources.

Jon Seidl is the bestselling Christian author who became an alcoholic, not the other way around. It's usually the other way around. Or is it? "Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic" is all about real stories, radical vulnerability, and remarkable comebacks of people who have struggled with alcoholism and addictions of all sorts.

Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic with Jon Seidl

High-Functioning Anxiety and the Hidden Cost of Numbing Pain: Ericka Graham on OCD, Scrupulosity, and What Addictions Really Cost Us

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/5e27a451-e6e6-4c51-aa03-a7370003783c/clips/023a934e-0a14-445c-be4f-b3c400127ecc/transcript

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