“It was such a relief to not have to lie anymore.”

That’s how Jed Payne describes the moment he finally stopped hiding and came clean. Again.

For years, Jed was a substance abuse counselor. He hosted a recovery podcast. He helped other people pursue sobriety and healing. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, he was spiraling back into addiction, secrecy, gambling, relapse, and despair.

And the deeper the double life became, the harder it felt to tell the truth. At one point, he considered ending it all, convinced that was the only way to freedom.

In this deeply vulnerable conversation, Jed shares the full story—from growing up in church and wrestling with purity culture and shame, to heroin addiction, repeated treatment stays, overdose, and eventually becoming a counselor helping others recover. But even after years of sobriety, hidden struggles slowly crept back in through “gray area” substances, gambling, dishonesty, and untreated pain.

What makes this conversation so powerful is that Jed isn’t telling this story from the safe distance of having everything figured out. He’s in the middle of rebuilding. He’s back in sober living. He’s repairing trust. He’s trying to show up faithfully as a father, partner, and man of God one day at a time.

And yet, in the middle of all that, he says something that I think so many people need to hear: telling the truth brought freedom.

This episode is about relapse, shame, repentance, secrecy, fatherhood, recovery, and what happens when we finally stop trying to manage our image and start getting radically honest. It’s also a reminder that recovery is rarely linear—and that God’s mercy still meets us in the middle of messy sanctification. Even when we get in our own way.

Listen to the Church and Other Drugs podcast
Follow Jed on Instagram: @jed.i.am
Get Gospel-centered addiction recovery resources and help: veritasrecovery.org
Follow me: @jonseidl
Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic

We explore:

— Why so many Christians hide their addictions out of fear of hypocrisy
— How purity culture and shame shaped Jed’s early understanding of himself
— Jed’s rapid descent into heroin addiction and repeated overdoses
— What it was like becoming a substance abuse counselor while still battling internal struggles
— How gambling, Kratom, Adderall, and secrecy slowly reopened the door to addiction
— Why hidden relapse became spiritually and emotionally exhausting
— The freedom Jed experienced after finally telling the truth
— What fatherhood changed about the way Jed views recovery
— Why recovery journeys are rarely neat or linear
— How churches can become safer places for people struggling with addiction