"I'm alright, sweetheart. No, I don't need help." Every one of us has heard it.

Prue Bowden runs home care for 50,000 Australian families, which makes her the person everyone corners at parties to ask about a parent who won't accept a thing. Today, she's in the chair talking about what to actually do next. 

Ageing parents? You've got them. We've got you.

Content note: this episode covers ageing parents, dementia, hospital decline and loneliness. For support: Carer Gateway 1800 422 737. My Aged Care 1800 200 422 (myagedcare.gov.au). Dementia Australia's National Dementia Helpline 1800 100 500, 24/7 (dementia.org.au). Lifeline 13 11 14, 24/7.

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SEND US YOUR QUESTION: hello@clubsandwich.community

In this episode:
The Conversation: Prue Bowden, Group CEO of Home Health at Australian Unity, joins Sarah Macdonald to talk about what actually keeps a parent at home — starting with her own mum and dad, in their late seventies, still sailing and still walking the dog, and the conversations she and her sister are already having about flat landings and handrails.

From there: the loneliness hiding inside "we want to keep her at home", now the banks have closed and the shopping has moved online; the eighteen-month-to-two-year wait for home care support and why you start the assessment before you think you need it; what care workers actually notice when they're in the house; why superannuation was designed to be spent; and what she'd say to a stretched, guilty listener, one carer to another.

This Week's Hack: Start the assessment before you think you need it. The wait for home care support runs 18 months to two years, so the time to get on the list is while your mum or dad is still well and still saying they're fine. And if they won't hear it from you, get the GP on side — a clinician saying it often lands where a daughter saying it doesn't.

Send this to: the sibling who keeps saying "she's fine, she'd tell us if she wasn't" — and anyone who's been told "I'm all right, sweetheart" one too many times.

A moment that stays: Sarah tells Prue she's the doctor at the party — the one everyone corners about a bad back, except it's always a parent who won't accept help. Prue's parents, meanwhile, are in their late seventies and doing their weights. "Everyone's doing weights."

Meet the regular Clubbers:
Melissa Reader — CEO of Vera and expert on Australia's ageing crisis.
Jo Lamble — Clinical psychologist specialising in guilt and family dynamics.
Dr Ginni Mansberg — GP and women's health advocate who tells it straight.
Dr Stephanie Ward — Geriatrician helping you understand when "old" becomes a crisis.
Kerry Milligan — Gogglebox star bringing humour and honesty to the sandwich generation.

About Prue Bowden: Group CEO, Home Health at Australian Unity, leading the team supporting around 50,000 home care customers around the country.

Topics covered in this episode:
- What to do when a parent refuses help, and when to accept that no means no
- The loneliness that comes with ageing at home, and why it's rising alongside dementia
- Preparing the family home early — flat landings, handrails, the flat way in
- The 18-month to two-year wait for home care support, and starting the assessment early
- What home care workers actually notice, and why they're the first to know
- Superannuation, means testing, and the families caught in the middle
- Staying at home with dementia, and why institutional care can't be the only answer
- Lifespan versus healthspan, and why strength training in your seventies matters

This episode was supported by Australian Unity, home health and care services — australianunity.com.au/clubsandwich.

With thanks to NSW Trustee and Guardian — search NSW Trustee and Guardian, or call 1300 10 20 30.

Vera is your candid companion as you care for an ageing parent. Have a look at https://vera.guide.

FACES (Families for Aged Care Equity and Support) is a family-led campaign asking for one honest count of the number of people waiting for their aged care funding and the people who die while they're waiting. Add your name at vera.guide/faces.

Put The Kettle On — Vera's free conversation guide: the five questions worth asking your ageing mum or dad, at putthekettleon.com.au

Credits:
Sarah Macdonald – Host + Executive Producer
Melissa Reader – Commissioning Editor, Executive Producer + Clubber
Justin McArthur – Executive Producer + Editor, for P. Zinner Podcasts (https://pzinner.com.au)
Thanks and kudos to Sean Wayland for our theme music Club Sandwich — hear more at https://seanwayland.com