Knowing this isn't good for me, but I don't want to be by myself or I don't want this to happen, So I'm just going to stay here in this bad situation that doesn't necessarily make me happy, but I'm comfortable that's codependency. I would stay in relationships that weren't good for me, and I knew it my gut, my intuition would tell me, and I would just stay in the relationship for the sake of not being alone. I've learned that it's so healthy and so beautiful to just be yourself and allow the other person to be themselves. Hello and happy Monday to all my lovely listeners. I hope you all are having a wonderful day while you're listening to Chicki's and Chill. Whether you're cooking, cleaning, or working out, either way, I hope you're having a really great one. Today's episode is going to be about something I struggled with for a long time, and I think it's something a lot of you can probably relate to. I'm talking about codependency. I'm going to open up about my experience with it, how it changed my life, and how I managed to break free from it. This is Cheeky's in chill all right, guys. So I want to start by telling you, guys my story. I've been codependent most of my life, not only in romantic relationships, but also with my friends and even with my family. I don't know where this codependency thing comes from. I want to say it's also issues with abandonment. The crazy thing is, I had a pretty nice childhood up until like I was eight years old, and that's when, you know, the whole sexual abuse with my dad happened. But I don't know. I've thought about this so much because my mom was a very independent woman, so I can't say that I got it from her. It could be from sexual abuse. And when I went to there before that, they did say that my constipation issues comes from that, my abandonment issues because I was always afraid of my mom leaving, or because my dad left, you know what I mean, Like he left and he ran away for ten years after I opened up about the sexual abuse, Like he was on the run for ten years, and then he finally, you know, showed up and he was caught and then he went to jail. So I think it's just like a series of things. But thank goodness, I've been able to like pinpoint it and pinpoint that codependency isn't good for so many reasons, and it really has affected my life and it affected a lot of my romantic relationships, a lot of my friendships. I was very territorial. I was very somewhat controlling. I think it was from the fear of losing people and wanting so bad to help them and for them to be their best selves or for them not to hurt them or do things that were going to affect them, that I would just hold on so tight and I would want to control the situation when in reality it's just not healthy, not for you or for the other person. And I think I did it with my mom. It was very territorial with my mom. You guys, I was just like, Okay, this is my job. I am the second mother in the home. You know. Even when new employees would come in, I was kind of like, uh, hello, who is this? You know, it was just her and I for so long that I just felt like I had to hold on tight. I had to protect her, I had to protect our home. My mom was married a few times. She had long term relationships like with Johnny and Jenica's dad. He was around and then he left, and I feel like maybe I wanted that father figure. So when they would come and then they would leave, or they would get divorced or separated, it was just it would just cause like anxiety. I'm like, okay, wait, who else is going to leave? And little did I know what was going to happen. And I feel like I was like that most of my life, being afraid of being alone, of abandonment issues until twenty twelve, the year my mom passed. And that was like in like my late twenties, guys like where I was like, Okay, that's the last lesson. I always say always, that's the last lesson that my mom taught me was not to depend on anyone but myself. Obviously she didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know what was going to happen. So when her and I had that issue two months before she passed that October of twenty twelve, when we had that fallout, you know, and she took my job and she asked me to move out. Well, actually no, that was in March of twenty twelve. Oh my god, that whole year Oh my goodness, you guys, that's crazy. Okay. So it was March of twenty twelve when she asked me, you know it's time for you to move out. You gotta spread your wings, you gotta fly. You can't work for me, you know, you got to move out. And I even suggested let me pay rent, and she was like no, like you need to be independent. You need to see what life is really about. Like she's like, I've overprotected you and I'm not allowing you to be your own woman. Of course I didn't understand it then, but I'm so grateful now. So that was March. Then we worked on a relationship with a daughter mother relationship because for so long we were like husband and wife and you know, we were business partners and it was just so much all in one. So after March we were just like working on our mother daughter relationship. It was really nice. We had really nice months, and then in October was when that whole fall out happened. So I just feel like it was preparing me for what was coming in December when she passed. So anyways, I feel like that whole year was preparing me. It was just preparation for my future self. It was very uncomfortable. I had to learn the hard way because there were many times before that that my soul or something would tell me you need to go find another job, something outside of your mom. But I was just so scared and I didn't want anyone else to come in and take my job. So that's codependency of like knowing this isn't good for me, but I don't want to be by myself or I don't want this to happen or that to happen, So I'm just going to stay here in this bad situation that doesn't necessarily make me happy, but I'm comfortable. And that's what happened so much, and it would come and go and the until finally the universe God was like, boom, let me do this for you because you're not taking action. So then that's what happened, And of course I was sad, and of course it was very very very hard. Thank goodness for therapy because it helped me through it. But it was like I went from my mom, like leaving my mom's house and not having so much responsibility with my siblings because that was another thing, like I was so attached to them, like I was like addicted, you guys to feeling needed. I needed to be needed. That was because I guess I just didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Then my whole life was my mom, my siblings, and my mom's building, my mom's empire, and it was just her her. I remember back then, I would think, like, I'm going to grow old with my mom. I'm never going to leave her side. I'm going to work for her forever. I want to make her life easier. I want to make her life better, not knowing that that's not healthy, Like I was suffocating her in a way and not allowing her to be the mother she needed to be to the kids. And her home probably didn't feel like her home because I was again, like so in on everything that I think she needed me to move out of the way so she could step in and take charge of her own life. So it's just like so many different things, but it all comes down to like codependency and me being so attached to my mom. So anyways, when all that happened and I moved out, then I started being co dependent on my friends. So I went from one thing to another, and I had really good friends. Then I'm sure you guys remember them if you guys watched shek's in Roxy and she is in control like the reality shows. Like you saw a lot of my very good friends back then, which were Diana, Ellen Jerald, Julie, Brianna. Brianna Juli are still in my life and Diana a little bit. We talked in Ellen Jerald I don't talk too but anyways, those were like my key friends and they really did help me through that tough time in my life. Guys like I. It was tough, but I became codependent on them, like I felt like I needed to have someone around at all times. Why it was just because I didn't know anything else, Like if it wasn't one of the kids, it was my mom, I was doing something for someone else. Like I was finally like, Okay, this is life and I'm gonna live it for myself, Like what am I going to do? And that's when I started realizing the importance of education, of getting something for yourself, because that's something you can put under your belt and no one can ever take that away from you. And I didn't have that because I was so engrossed in my mom's life. So there I am at freaking twenty six years old, and I'm like, Okay, what am I gonna do. That's when I opened up my salon. I invested what I had gotten from the reality, and I opened up my salon and my friends were there. And I was depressed, especially in October when my mom and I weren't talking and I did. I had suicidal thoughts. And thank goodness for those friends. They would not leave me alone. They knew we cannot leave her by herself because something's going to happen, so they would take turns you know what I mean, basically babysitting me those two months October November December. It was very, very tough. So I became very dependent and codependent on them. And fast forwarding to like I don't know what, twenty sixteen or something like those. That's why those friends were no longer in my life because it was just too much attachment, unhealthy unhealthy attachment. Even with my siblings. You guys, we were having like a conversation the other day here and we were having a meeting at my house and we were talking about how attached we were to a point where it was just too much. That's what we were taught now we're growing up. Now, it's like we're kind of learning to separate ourselves in a health healthy way. We are learning to respect each other as individuals. And now as the older sister who used to be the mom, also very co dependent on them and their approval and them being okay and them needing me, all that stuff was so unhealthy that I was also not allowing them to be who they need to be, who they're meant to be. So we were talking about all that, and I'm just like, WHOA, Like it's been a lot, and it's all out of love, to be honest, Like, I've learned that I used to hold on to people just out of love, not wanting to lose them, but that's not necessarily healthy. I'm telling you all of this because it's something that's very real and sometimes we don't even realize it when we're doing it. We don't realize it. And I've learned that it's so healthy and so beautiful to just be yourself and allow the other person to be themselves and respecting each other's space and respecting each other's decisions, and it's just it brings so much peace, Like it's just so much better and I see that in this relationship that I have now with Emilia, because I thrive on being me, on being my individual self, of course, growing and becoming a better me for my relationship, but not wanting to be everything the other person wants me to be for the sake of the relationship, if that makes sense, because those are mistakes I made in the past in my relationships. I would stay in relationships that weren't good for me, and I knew it my gut, my intuition would tell me, and I would just stay in the relationship for the sake of not being alone, of settling to settle, of wanting to maybe even break generational curses like saying okay. I would see and I watched my mom go from relationship to relationship that I was like, okay, I want to be different. That I was staying in relationships that weren't healthy for me and for the other person, either wanting to have control, like I was in a relationship and I'm not going to say who that was more controlling over me, like wanted to know everything I was doing at all times. I even think that sometimes he would have people follow me or he had some type of track around me. It was crazy, but I stayed in that relationship because I felt like he was a protector and a provider the way my mom was. So there was something I needed to learn and heal through that relationship because I learned, as much as I'm grateful with that person, that's not healthy for someone to control you that much, where it's like, oh, you're showing way too much cleavage, go change, And I would go change, and I'm like, okay, But I knew in my heart like this doesn't feel like I want to be myself. I'm still young, I want to be sexy, Like what the heck, you're not even my husband, dude, and you're like trying to control my whole life like everything, every aspect, my career, everything. But again, I stayed in that relationship for the sake of not being alone and because I did feel protected and he was a provider and he reminded me a lot of my mom. To be honest, I just wanted that familiar feeling that my mom would give me. And then I got into another relationship where it was like I felt a little bit more free. I wasn't as control, that could be myself. I could wear whatever I wanted. But he was a very free spirit, which is great, but he was into things that I wasn't into. I'm not gonna say what, but read my book if you want to know the details, Unstoppable. But he was just into things that I wasn't into, and he would do a lot of things that would make me feel uncomfortable. So I was in this relationship where I felt a little bit more free than my previous relationship. I was like, Okay, cool, I could just be myself and we're silly and we're like homies or whatever. But when it came down to real shit, real life stuff, I couldn't depend on him. There was no emotional stability, and I knew it from the very beginning. And I saw many red flags in both relationships, and I would just ignore them because I was codependent, because I wanted someone there, because I didn't want to be alone, because I just wanted to make it work, and because he would get lost and I couldn't find him for freaking hours and then he would tell me I'm gonna go to sleep, and then I would find out on Snapchat that he was out partying. That it was just it really caused a lot of insecurities in me that I had never experienced before. But I stayed in both relationships for over four years. I stayed because again codependency, you guys. But I ignored those damn red flags and that feeling in my gut that said, this isn't right. But I would make excuses. Well, I mean we have fun together. I mean we party and like he's a great dancer and all this stuff. Like I would make excuses, but it's like all the pons would outweigh the pros, you know what I mean, Like all of like, wait, I have fun with this person, he's entertaining. But when it comes down to me just sitting down and realizing am I really happy? It was always like no, I am so sad. I have so much anxiety. I can't sleep at night. It was just stuff that now I realize is just not good. So going back to when my mom passed, because I was in twenty twelve, and these relationships happen mainly after my mom passed, so I was still I think that was the beginning that lesson my mom wanted me to learn was don't depend on anyone, because when she pulled everything right under me, like all my work and my job and basically my identity. That was like the beginning of it. But I still hadn't learned my lesson. So I had to go through these relationships to really really realize that loving yourself and being happy and fulfilled with being alone is the most important thing. Learning that you don't need anyone. You shouldn't need anyone. It's wanting to have these people in your life, wanting to have healthy friendships, wanting to have a healthy relationship, like I've told Emilio, like I love you, but I don't need you. I want you. I choose to have you in my life, and I want to be healthy for you. Because I'm not saying that they were all bad my past relationships because of certain things that happen, it would bring out the worst in me. Anyone that brings out the worst in you, that's a red flag. Bottom line. The person that you are with your friends, your family should bring out the best in you, should really like make you want to just be better for yourself and for your relationship, whether it be a love relationship a business relationship like it is, they're supposed to bring out the best in you. Now I know that, but again, I'm grateful for my past, and again, I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes. I maybe suffocated a shit out of my relationships, especially like my past relationship, because I just I wanted to hold on and I'm like, dude, can you just see me? Like I really love you, I really want to make this work, like I'm good for you, Like I want you to be the best version of yourself. But you can't force it. You cannot control the shit out of someone and make them change if they're not ready to change, Like that's something they have to learn. And that's what I was like, Okay, I just have to let this person go and let them be free and live their life the way they want to live, and they will find a partner that's gonna be okay with that. And I have to be okay with not being the right fit for him or forcing my foot in a shoe that just doesn't fit, because when you do that, what happens. Blisters happen, you're uncomfortable, your feet hurt. Like I had to give myself visuals like that in order to just get it through my head until I said, I have to let go. As much as I love this person, I have to let this person go because it's just not healthy for me. And that's when I think in twenty twenty, was it, Yeah, where it clicked, you guys, where I was like, I need to be alone. And I'm not saying that after that separation, I didn't get myself in any sticky situation, because I did, and then it blew up in my face and I was like, what the heck just for not being alone, for not really giving yourself the time to heal. And I learned. I learned again the hard way. So now I'm like, I'm tired of learning the hard way. I got to learn the right way. I got to just start like learning my lessons and being smart and listening to my intuition and not ignoring that because it has caused me so many freaking problems, unnecessary problems to ignore and ignore for the sake of not hurting people's feelings of getting their approval. That's another thing that I did with my mom, was like I wanted her approval so much that I just didn't realize that I wasn't really living my true self because I was always seeking someone's approval and people pleasing. That's something that i've dealt with my whole life. Now it just feels great to be in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life where I really desire because I learned from my past relationship that I cannot control him. I don't want to control him. I want him to be himself. I want him to go out with his friends. He has, like I've told you guys before, he has beautiful friends, beautiful best friends, female friends. He's a photographer. He photographs beautiful women. And I'm just like, well, it is what it is. I cannot control he's gonna do. And if he's gonna do something stupid, then I leave it in God's hands that he will show me if he's doing anything bad so that I can excuse myself from this situation, from this relationship. And I have faith in that. And now I'm like, I'm not gonna torment my mind trying to see what he's doing and where he's at. And again, he doesn't give me those issues though. If he's gonna be out late, hey I'm out. I'll be home at this time. Like I never have to worry about that. I can't reach him. He also does his part, so I just feel like it also depends on the person that you're going to be with. When I'm talking about like a relationship, like a significant other, they need to be on the same page. And you're gonna know that right away, Like honestly, you're gonna know, Okay, is this person taking me seriously? Is this person really like on the same page? Do we want the same things? Like they're gonna put in the same amount of effort as you are. And I think that that's where I'm at finally, And I still want to be myself and I still want to do the things that make me happy, and I want to just be in a relationship to have a companion for life and to do things with and experience things and go on trips and stuff like that, not because I need it, because I don't want to be alone. Like it's so different. It's just something just changed. And I'm like, I am tired of learning the hard way. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to change, I want to be better. I want to not make the same mistakes I made in my past, especially in my relationship and my romantic relationships, because I want it to work. So what do I have to do different? There has to be some type of change and change. I always say this you guys, is not comfortable. It's not always easy. It's actually very uncomfortable when you are making a life change. Pain is a past or promotion. I have said that before, Like when you're going through it, it's like, Okay, this pain is going to turn into growth, is going to turn into power. This pain is going to turn into strength. And that's what I've learned. And that's just with romantic relationships. Now, with like my friendships, that's another thing. I felt like in order to keep my friends around and I needed to like pay for their things, and I was always the one that would pick up the bill. And now I'm like, no, I want to have healthy relationships. I want to have friends that even if I don't call them every single day, it's not like, well, why haven't you called me? And you know I had those type of friendships before, and me too, I was like that too. I'm like, okay, why didn't you call me and you didn't think about me and you didn't invite me. That's so childish. Now I'm like, no, we're grown. If I don't talk to my best friend in days, it's not like the world is going to like be over, it's going to like freaking end. It's hey, she's busy, I'm busy. We'll catch up and we'll have dinner, and most importantly, we'll split the bill, because that's how it should be. It should be fair. Sometimes yeah, hey, I'll pick up the bill, or she'll pick up the bill and like or we go fifty to fifty. But it's just like that has changed as well, and I feel so much happier. I've learned to just really release even family members that are not good for me from my heart. And I'm not trying to seek anyone's approval and I'm not even trying to have their negative opinions or what I should shouldn't be doing in my life. It's what I'm meant to do. And if you are not going to align with that and make me happy, and you're causing me more like stress by you know what I mean, And I am unapologetic about that for a long time. I'm like, no, I have to like stay close to my family and all that toxic loyalty that we've talked about in previous episodes, and I'm so much happier. You guys just saying we got to live and let live and it's okay if people love you differently than you love And even with my siblings, I'm telling you, we were talking about it the other day and we were just like, you know what. As the eldest sister, I know that I put a lot of pressure on you guys, and I've been very like, we have to stay together, and yes, that's a promise I made to my mother. Yes we have to stay together. And if we have issues and we have disagreements or it's going to happen, because God, everyone has their opinions and everyone is like very strong willed. All of my siblings are. We all are. But I have to allow them to still process their feelings and not force anything. And I apologize to them and I'm like, Okay, I don't want to be that type of sister. I want you guys to feel free to be yourselves, to be your individual self and not feel like you have to hide anything from me because you're going to disappoint me. Because maybe I did put some pressure on them. It's kind of like a second mom to them. So now I'm like, I want to be the sister I want you guys to come to me, and I want to be able to guide you and not feel like we're just freaking tied to the hip. And yeah, and we're all happier and it's better. So my point with this whole codependency episode, more than anything, is for you guys, to realize if perhaps some of the things I've mentioned you are doing or have done, or you recognize someone else's doing, because it's not healthy. I'm telling you long term, it's just no matter what type of relationship it is, there's no way that it's going to work. It's just we're not meant as human beings to be that tied and intertwined. We are here to figure out who we are, what we're meant to be, who we're meant to be, what we're meant to do, what we're meant to change. We are here to live our life, and every relationship should be a compliment to your life, not I need you in order to be who I am and to accomplish what I'm going to accomplish. And I'm not saying that I'm fixed forever, because there are times when i feel like I'm going into my toxic traits, especially in my relationship and since I recognize it now and I know the things I want to change and the things that I don't like about myself. Now it's like it's clear obviously through reading books, through my therapy, like it's helped me recognize it, and through my past mistakes where I'm like, okay, I don't want to do that again. What I do now is I'm like, you know what, let me excuse myself from this argument, go think and come back and apologize. Now, I'm like, you know what, I don't like how I'm acting. I don't have peace with it because sometimes the ego will take over. You guys, that's just we all have it. We all have to work at it every single day to not let it take over. Because the ego is dark, you know what I mean, so that you have to really fill it with light every single day because if not, it will take over. So I now ask myself to just relax. I take a deep breath, and I'm like, okay, hold on, I don't like this. I recognize that this is a negative trait that I don't like, and I don't like how it makes me feel that. I'm like, okay, I'm going to humble myself and apologize if I have hurt someone's feelings, if I have said something out of line. So it all depends what your negative trait is, but it's for sure super important to recognize them and know I want to change. I want to be different. And here goes a word again, be intentional in saying, Okay, every day, I'm gonna strive to be different. I'm going to strive to be better. I want to be better, you know. So it's in everyday thing, guys, And don't beat yourself up about it. If you are like going through the process of breaking chains and breaking past traumas or codependency or people pleasing like it's okay, It's gonna take time and it's gonna take a few mistakes in order for you to really like for it to click, and for you to say, hey, I'm gonna stop this because this is not making me happy or making anyone around me happy. And I always say it, the only way that I can help you, guys, is by being honest and vulnerable and transparent. And this is what chegese and chill is all about. So even if somebody y'all thought I was perfect, uh uh, I have really done the work, and I'm very proud of myself and every day I'm like, I want to be better, I want to change for the better. I want to be the best version of myself. Like that's one of the things that I pray about and I meditate on every single day. It's gonna be something that we're gonna work on every single day. The best advice I can give you, guys, from the bottom of my heart. And I don't know why I felt it, but I felt like I needed to talk about this topic. I hope you all learned a lot from this episode and that some of the things I said resonate with you. And just a reminder, I'm not a doctor or a professional of any kind, you guys. This is just my story about codependency and what it looks like in my life and how I've done the work to become a better and stronger version of myself. And before we go, I want to leave you all with some words to get through the week. Today's motivational quote is vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting and yet rewarding experiences in your life. It will set you free. I hope that you like that quote and it helps you throughout the week. And that's it you, guys, We've reached the end of today's episode. We'll be back on Wednesday with an episode of Dear Cheeky's, so be sure to tune in to see if I answered your question this week. I love you, guys, and I appreciate you each and every single one of you from the bottom of my heart. Do you need advice on love, relationships, health emails? I'm so excited to share with you that my Cheeky's and Chill podcast will have an extra episode drop each week. I'll be answering all your questions.

Knowing this isn't good for me, but I don't want to be by myself or I don't want this to happen, So I'm just going to stay here in this bad situation that doesn't necessarily make me happy, but I'm comfortable that's codependency. I would stay in relationships that weren't good for me, and I knew it my gut, my intuition would tell me, and I would just stay in the relationship for the sake of not being alone. I've learned that it's so healthy and so beautiful to just be yourself and allow the other person to be themselves. Hello and happy Monday to all my lovely listeners. I hope you all are having a wonderful day while you're listening to Chicki's and Chill. Whether you're cooking, cleaning, or working out, either way, I hope you're having a really great one. Today's episode is going to be about something I struggled with for a long time, and I think it's something a lot of you can probably relate to. I'm talking about codependency. I'm going to open up about my experience with it, how it changed my life, and how I managed to break free from it. This is Cheeky's in chill all right, guys. So I want to start by telling you, guys my story. I've been codependent most of my life, not only in romantic relationships, but also with my friends and even with my family. I don't know where this codependency thing comes from. I want to say it's also issues with abandonment. The crazy thing is, I had a pretty nice childhood up until like I was eight years old, and that's when, you know, the whole sexual abuse with my dad happened. But I don't know. I've thought about this so much because my mom was a very independent woman, so I can't say that I got it from her. It could be from sexual abuse. And when I went to there before that, they did say that my constipation issues comes from that, my abandonment issues because I was always afraid of my mom leaving, or because my dad left, you know what I mean, Like he left and he ran away for ten years after I opened up about the sexual abuse, Like he was on the run for ten years, and then he finally, you know, showed up and he was caught and then he went to jail. So I think it's just like a series of things. But thank goodness, I've been able to like pinpoint it and pinpoint that codependency isn't good for so many reasons, and it really has affected my life and it affected a lot of my romantic relationships, a lot of my friendships. I was very territorial. I was very somewhat controlling. I think it was from the fear of losing people and wanting so bad to help them and for them to be their best selves or for them not to hurt them or do things that were going to affect them, that I would just hold on so tight and I would want to control the situation when in reality it's just not healthy, not for you or for the other person. And I think I did it with my mom. It was very territorial with my mom. You guys, I was just like, Okay, this is my job. I am the second mother in the home. You know. Even when new employees would come in, I was kind of like, uh, hello, who is this? You know, it was just her and I for so long that I just felt like I had to hold on tight. I had to protect her, I had to protect our home. My mom was married a few times. She had long term relationships like with Johnny and Jenica's dad. He was around and then he left, and I feel like maybe I wanted that father figure. So when they would come and then they would leave, or they would get divorced or separated, it was just it would just cause like anxiety. I'm like, okay, wait, who else is going to leave? And little did I know what was going to happen. And I feel like I was like that most of my life, being afraid of being alone, of abandonment issues until twenty twelve, the year my mom passed. And that was like in like my late twenties, guys like where I was like, Okay, that's the last lesson. I always say always, that's the last lesson that my mom taught me was not to depend on anyone but myself. Obviously she didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know what was going to happen. So when her and I had that issue two months before she passed that October of twenty twelve, when we had that fallout, you know, and she took my job and she asked me to move out. Well, actually no, that was in March of twenty twelve. Oh my god, that whole year Oh my goodness, you guys, that's crazy. Okay. So it was March of twenty twelve when she asked me, you know it's time for you to move out. You gotta spread your wings, you gotta fly. You can't work for me, you know, you got to move out. And I even suggested let me pay rent, and she was like no, like you need to be independent. You need to see what life is really about. Like she's like, I've overprotected you and I'm not allowing you to be your own woman. Of course I didn't understand it then, but I'm so grateful now. So that was March. Then we worked on a relationship with a daughter mother relationship because for so long we were like husband and wife and you know, we were business partners and it was just so much all in one. So after March we were just like working on our mother daughter relationship. It was really nice. We had really nice months, and then in October was when that whole fall out happened. So I just feel like it was preparing me for what was coming in December when she passed. So anyways, I feel like that whole year was preparing me. It was just preparation for my future self. It was very uncomfortable. I had to learn the hard way because there were many times before that that my soul or something would tell me you need to go find another job, something outside of your mom. But I was just so scared and I didn't want anyone else to come in and take my job. So that's codependency of like knowing this isn't good for me, but I don't want to be by myself or I don't want this to happen or that to happen, So I'm just going to stay here in this bad situation that doesn't necessarily make me happy, but I'm comfortable. And that's what happened so much, and it would come and go and the until finally the universe God was like, boom, let me do this for you because you're not taking action. So then that's what happened, And of course I was sad, and of course it was very very very hard. Thank goodness for therapy because it helped me through it. But it was like I went from my mom, like leaving my mom's house and not having so much responsibility with my siblings because that was another thing, like I was so attached to them, like I was like addicted, you guys to feeling needed. I needed to be needed. That was because I guess I just didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Then my whole life was my mom, my siblings, and my mom's building, my mom's empire, and it was just her her. I remember back then, I would think, like, I'm going to grow old with my mom. I'm never going to leave her side. I'm going to work for her forever. I want to make her life easier. I want to make her life better, not knowing that that's not healthy, Like I was suffocating her in a way and not allowing her to be the mother she needed to be to the kids. And her home probably didn't feel like her home because I was again, like so in on everything that I think she needed me to move out of the way so she could step in and take charge of her own life. So it's just like so many different things, but it all comes down to like codependency and me being so attached to my mom. So anyways, when all that happened and I moved out, then I started being co dependent on my friends. So I went from one thing to another, and I had really good friends. Then I'm sure you guys remember them if you guys watched shek's in Roxy and she is in control like the reality shows. Like you saw a lot of my very good friends back then, which were Diana, Ellen Jerald, Julie, Brianna. Brianna Juli are still in my life and Diana a little bit. We talked in Ellen Jerald I don't talk too but anyways, those were like my key friends and they really did help me through that tough time in my life. Guys like I. It was tough, but I became codependent on them, like I felt like I needed to have someone around at all times. Why it was just because I didn't know anything else, Like if it wasn't one of the kids, it was my mom, I was doing something for someone else. Like I was finally like, Okay, this is life and I'm gonna live it for myself, Like what am I going to do? And that's when I started realizing the importance of education, of getting something for yourself, because that's something you can put under your belt and no one can ever take that away from you. And I didn't have that because I was so engrossed in my mom's life. So there I am at freaking twenty six years old, and I'm like, Okay, what am I gonna do. That's when I opened up my salon. I invested what I had gotten from the reality, and I opened up my salon and my friends were there. And I was depressed, especially in October when my mom and I weren't talking and I did. I had suicidal thoughts. And thank goodness for those friends. They would not leave me alone. They knew we cannot leave her by herself because something's going to happen, so they would take turns you know what I mean, basically babysitting me those two months October November December. It was very, very tough. So I became very dependent and codependent on them. And fast forwarding to like I don't know what, twenty sixteen or something like those. That's why those friends were no longer in my life because it was just too much attachment, unhealthy unhealthy attachment. Even with my siblings. You guys, we were having like a conversation the other day here and we were having a meeting at my house and we were talking about how attached we were to a point where it was just too much. That's what we were taught now we're growing up. Now, it's like we're kind of learning to separate ourselves in a health healthy way. We are learning to respect each other as individuals. And now as the older sister who used to be the mom, also very co dependent on them and their approval and them being okay and them needing me, all that stuff was so unhealthy that I was also not allowing them to be who they need to be, who they're meant to be. So we were talking about all that, and I'm just like, WHOA, Like it's been a lot, and it's all out of love, to be honest, Like, I've learned that I used to hold on to people just out of love, not wanting to lose them, but that's not necessarily healthy. I'm telling you all of this because it's something that's very real and sometimes we don't even realize it when we're doing it. We don't realize it. And I've learned that it's so healthy and so beautiful to just be yourself and allow the other person to be themselves and respecting each other's space and respecting each other's decisions, and it's just it brings so much peace, Like it's just so much better and I see that in this relationship that I have now with Emilia, because I thrive on being me, on being my individual self, of course, growing and becoming a better me for my relationship, but not wanting to be everything the other person wants me to be for the sake of the relationship, if that makes sense, because those are mistakes I made in the past in my relationships. I would stay in relationships that weren't good for me, and I knew it my gut, my intuition would tell me, and I would just stay in the relationship for the sake of not being alone, of settling to settle, of wanting to maybe even break generational curses like saying okay. I would see and I watched my mom go from relationship to relationship that I was like, okay, I want to be different. That I was staying in relationships that weren't healthy for me and for the other person, either wanting to have control, like I was in a relationship and I'm not going to say who that was more controlling over me, like wanted to know everything I was doing at all times. I even think that sometimes he would have people follow me or he had some type of track around me. It was crazy, but I stayed in that relationship because I felt like he was a protector and a provider the way my mom was. So there was something I needed to learn and heal through that relationship because I learned, as much as I'm grateful with that person, that's not healthy for someone to control you that much, where it's like, oh, you're showing way too much cleavage, go change, And I would go change, and I'm like, okay, But I knew in my heart like this doesn't feel like I want to be myself. I'm still young, I want to be sexy, Like what the heck, you're not even my husband, dude, and you're like trying to control my whole life like everything, every aspect, my career, everything. But again, I stayed in that relationship for the sake of not being alone and because I did feel protected and he was a provider and he reminded me a lot of my mom. To be honest, I just wanted that familiar feeling that my mom would give me. And then I got into another relationship where it was like I felt a little bit more free. I wasn't as control, that could be myself. I could wear whatever I wanted. But he was a very free spirit, which is great, but he was into things that I wasn't into. I'm not gonna say what, but read my book if you want to know the details, Unstoppable. But he was just into things that I wasn't into, and he would do a lot of things that would make me feel uncomfortable. So I was in this relationship where I felt a little bit more free than my previous relationship. I was like, Okay, cool, I could just be myself and we're silly and we're like homies or whatever. But when it came down to real shit, real life stuff, I couldn't depend on him. There was no emotional stability, and I knew it from the very beginning. And I saw many red flags in both relationships, and I would just ignore them because I was codependent, because I wanted someone there, because I didn't want to be alone, because I just wanted to make it work, and because he would get lost and I couldn't find him for freaking hours and then he would tell me I'm gonna go to sleep, and then I would find out on Snapchat that he was out partying. That it was just it really caused a lot of insecurities in me that I had never experienced before. But I stayed in both relationships for over four years. I stayed because again codependency, you guys. But I ignored those damn red flags and that feeling in my gut that said, this isn't right. But I would make excuses. Well, I mean we have fun together. I mean we party and like he's a great dancer and all this stuff. Like I would make excuses, but it's like all the pons would outweigh the pros, you know what I mean, Like all of like, wait, I have fun with this person, he's entertaining. But when it comes down to me just sitting down and realizing am I really happy? It was always like no, I am so sad. I have so much anxiety. I can't sleep at night. It was just stuff that now I realize is just not good. So going back to when my mom passed, because I was in twenty twelve, and these relationships happen mainly after my mom passed, so I was still I think that was the beginning that lesson my mom wanted me to learn was don't depend on anyone, because when she pulled everything right under me, like all my work and my job and basically my identity. That was like the beginning of it. But I still hadn't learned my lesson. So I had to go through these relationships to really really realize that loving yourself and being happy and fulfilled with being alone is the most important thing. Learning that you don't need anyone. You shouldn't need anyone. It's wanting to have these people in your life, wanting to have healthy friendships, wanting to have a healthy relationship, like I've told Emilio, like I love you, but I don't need you. I want you. I choose to have you in my life, and I want to be healthy for you. Because I'm not saying that they were all bad my past relationships because of certain things that happen, it would bring out the worst in me. Anyone that brings out the worst in you, that's a red flag. Bottom line. The person that you are with your friends, your family should bring out the best in you, should really like make you want to just be better for yourself and for your relationship, whether it be a love relationship a business relationship like it is, they're supposed to bring out the best in you. Now I know that, but again, I'm grateful for my past, and again, I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes. I maybe suffocated a shit out of my relationships, especially like my past relationship, because I just I wanted to hold on and I'm like, dude, can you just see me? Like I really love you, I really want to make this work, like I'm good for you, Like I want you to be the best version of yourself. But you can't force it. You cannot control the shit out of someone and make them change if they're not ready to change, Like that's something they have to learn. And that's what I was like, Okay, I just have to let this person go and let them be free and live their life the way they want to live, and they will find a partner that's gonna be okay with that. And I have to be okay with not being the right fit for him or forcing my foot in a shoe that just doesn't fit, because when you do that, what happens. Blisters happen, you're uncomfortable, your feet hurt. Like I had to give myself visuals like that in order to just get it through my head until I said, I have to let go. As much as I love this person, I have to let this person go because it's just not healthy for me. And that's when I think in twenty twenty, was it, Yeah, where it clicked, you guys, where I was like, I need to be alone. And I'm not saying that after that separation, I didn't get myself in any sticky situation, because I did, and then it blew up in my face and I was like, what the heck just for not being alone, for not really giving yourself the time to heal. And I learned. I learned again the hard way. So now I'm like, I'm tired of learning the hard way. I got to learn the right way. I got to just start like learning my lessons and being smart and listening to my intuition and not ignoring that because it has caused me so many freaking problems, unnecessary problems to ignore and ignore for the sake of not hurting people's feelings of getting their approval. That's another thing that I did with my mom, was like I wanted her approval so much that I just didn't realize that I wasn't really living my true self because I was always seeking someone's approval and people pleasing. That's something that i've dealt with my whole life. Now it just feels great to be in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life where I really desire because I learned from my past relationship that I cannot control him. I don't want to control him. I want him to be himself. I want him to go out with his friends. He has, like I've told you guys before, he has beautiful friends, beautiful best friends, female friends. He's a photographer. He photographs beautiful women. And I'm just like, well, it is what it is. I cannot control he's gonna do. And if he's gonna do something stupid, then I leave it in God's hands that he will show me if he's doing anything bad so that I can excuse myself from this situation, from this relationship. And I have faith in that. And now I'm like, I'm not gonna torment my mind trying to see what he's doing and where he's at. And again, he doesn't give me those issues though. If he's gonna be out late, hey I'm out. I'll be home at this time. Like I never have to worry about that. I can't reach him. He also does his part, so I just feel like it also depends on the person that you're going to be with. When I'm talking about like a relationship, like a significant other, they need to be on the same page. And you're gonna know that right away, Like honestly, you're gonna know, Okay, is this person taking me seriously? Is this person really like on the same page? Do we want the same things? Like they're gonna put in the same amount of effort as you are. And I think that that's where I'm at finally, And I still want to be myself and I still want to do the things that make me happy, and I want to just be in a relationship to have a companion for life and to do things with and experience things and go on trips and stuff like that, not because I need it, because I don't want to be alone. Like it's so different. It's just something just changed. And I'm like, I am tired of learning the hard way. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to change, I want to be better. I want to not make the same mistakes I made in my past, especially in my relationship and my romantic relationships, because I want it to work. So what do I have to do different? There has to be some type of change and change. I always say this you guys, is not comfortable. It's not always easy. It's actually very uncomfortable when you are making a life change. Pain is a past or promotion. I have said that before, Like when you're going through it, it's like, Okay, this pain is going to turn into growth, is going to turn into power. This pain is going to turn into strength. And that's what I've learned. And that's just with romantic relationships. Now, with like my friendships, that's another thing. I felt like in order to keep my friends around and I needed to like pay for their things, and I was always the one that would pick up the bill. And now I'm like, no, I want to have healthy relationships. I want to have friends that even if I don't call them every single day, it's not like, well, why haven't you called me? And you know I had those type of friendships before, and me too, I was like that too. I'm like, okay, why didn't you call me and you didn't think about me and you didn't invite me. That's so childish. Now I'm like, no, we're grown. If I don't talk to my best friend in days, it's not like the world is going to like be over, it's going to like freaking end. It's hey, she's busy, I'm busy. We'll catch up and we'll have dinner, and most importantly, we'll split the bill, because that's how it should be. It should be fair. Sometimes yeah, hey, I'll pick up the bill, or she'll pick up the bill and like or we go fifty to fifty. But it's just like that has changed as well, and I feel so much happier. I've learned to just really release even family members that are not good for me from my heart. And I'm not trying to seek anyone's approval and I'm not even trying to have their negative opinions or what I should shouldn't be doing in my life. It's what I'm meant to do. And if you are not going to align with that and make me happy, and you're causing me more like stress by you know what I mean, And I am unapologetic about that for a long time. I'm like, no, I have to like stay close to my family and all that toxic loyalty that we've talked about in previous episodes, and I'm so much happier. You guys just saying we got to live and let live and it's okay if people love you differently than you love And even with my siblings, I'm telling you, we were talking about it the other day and we were just like, you know what. As the eldest sister, I know that I put a lot of pressure on you guys, and I've been very like, we have to stay together, and yes, that's a promise I made to my mother. Yes we have to stay together. And if we have issues and we have disagreements or it's going to happen, because God, everyone has their opinions and everyone is like very strong willed. All of my siblings are. We all are. But I have to allow them to still process their feelings and not force anything. And I apologize to them and I'm like, Okay, I don't want to be that type of sister. I want you guys to feel free to be yourselves, to be your individual self and not feel like you have to hide anything from me because you're going to disappoint me. Because maybe I did put some pressure on them. It's kind of like a second mom to them. So now I'm like, I want to be the sister I want you guys to come to me, and I want to be able to guide you and not feel like we're just freaking tied to the hip. And yeah, and we're all happier and it's better. So my point with this whole codependency episode, more than anything, is for you guys, to realize if perhaps some of the things I've mentioned you are doing or have done, or you recognize someone else's doing, because it's not healthy. I'm telling you long term, it's just no matter what type of relationship it is, there's no way that it's going to work. It's just we're not meant as human beings to be that tied and intertwined. We are here to figure out who we are, what we're meant to be, who we're meant to be, what we're meant to do, what we're meant to change. We are here to live our life, and every relationship should be a compliment to your life, not I need you in order to be who I am and to accomplish what I'm going to accomplish. And I'm not saying that I'm fixed forever, because there are times when i feel like I'm going into my toxic traits, especially in my relationship and since I recognize it now and I know the things I want to change and the things that I don't like about myself. Now it's like it's clear obviously through reading books, through my therapy, like it's helped me recognize it, and through my past mistakes where I'm like, okay, I don't want to do that again. What I do now is I'm like, you know what, let me excuse myself from this argument, go think and come back and apologize. Now, I'm like, you know what, I don't like how I'm acting. I don't have peace with it because sometimes the ego will take over. You guys, that's just we all have it. We all have to work at it every single day to not let it take over. Because the ego is dark, you know what I mean, so that you have to really fill it with light every single day because if not, it will take over. So I now ask myself to just relax. I take a deep breath, and I'm like, okay, hold on, I don't like this. I recognize that this is a negative trait that I don't like, and I don't like how it makes me feel that. I'm like, okay, I'm going to humble myself and apologize if I have hurt someone's feelings, if I have said something out of line. So it all depends what your negative trait is, but it's for sure super important to recognize them and know I want to change. I want to be different. And here goes a word again, be intentional in saying, Okay, every day, I'm gonna strive to be different. I'm going to strive to be better. I want to be better, you know. So it's in everyday thing, guys, And don't beat yourself up about it. If you are like going through the process of breaking chains and breaking past traumas or codependency or people pleasing like it's okay, It's gonna take time and it's gonna take a few mistakes in order for you to really like for it to click, and for you to say, hey, I'm gonna stop this because this is not making me happy or making anyone around me happy. And I always say it, the only way that I can help you, guys, is by being honest and vulnerable and transparent. And this is what chegese and chill is all about. So even if somebody y'all thought I was perfect, uh uh, I have really done the work, and I'm very proud of myself and every day I'm like, I want to be better, I want to change for the better. I want to be the best version of myself. Like that's one of the things that I pray about and I meditate on every single day. It's gonna be something that we're gonna work on every single day. The best advice I can give you, guys, from the bottom of my heart. And I don't know why I felt it, but I felt like I needed to talk about this topic. I hope you all learned a lot from this episode and that some of the things I said resonate with you. And just a reminder, I'm not a doctor or a professional of any kind, you guys. This is just my story about codependency and what it looks like in my life and how I've done the work to become a better and stronger version of myself. And before we go, I want to leave you all with some words to get through the week. Today's motivational quote is vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting and yet rewarding experiences in your life. It will set you free. I hope that you like that quote and it helps you throughout the week. And that's it you, guys, We've reached the end of today's episode. We'll be back on Wednesday with an episode of Dear Cheeky's, so be sure to tune in to see if I answered your question this week. I love you, guys, and I appreciate you each and every single one of you from the bottom of my heart. Do you need advice on love, relationships, health emails? I'm so excited to share with you that my Cheeky's and Chill podcast will have an extra episode drop each week. I'll be answering all your questions.

Just leave me a voice message person on Monday. All you have to do is go to speak pipe dot com, slash Cheeky's and Chill Podcast and record your questions.

Just leave me a voice message person on Monday. All you have to do is go to speak pipe dot com, slash Cheeky's and Chill Podcast and record your questions.

I can't wait to hear from you. This is a production of iHeartRadio and the Michaudura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's That's c Chi to u s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast and check us out on YouTube.

I can't wait to hear from you. This is a production of iHeartRadio and the Michaudura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's That's c Chi to u s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast and check us out on YouTube.

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