Carefully RecklessHey y'all!! No more throwback episodes! Jess is BACK! After some much needed rest and relaxation, she's in her flow of motherhood and is ready to get back to fixing your mess! ...But first, let's talk about this maternity leave and why she's been gone so long!
Welcome to Can't Flee Reckless, the production of iHeart Radio and The Black Effects.
Andy.
Just like that, we're back on the air. Welcome back, Welcome back, y'all. Y'all haven't heard my voice in a while, and I haven't done a podcast in a while, y'all. Of course, I had a baby. Her name is Marley sky Moore Tolliver. Yes, I hyphenated her name. She has me and her dad's last name. And she was born August twentieth to forty seven in the morning. My baby is a Leo Lord and she is. She was seven pounds and three ounces nineteen inches. My baby was a long baby. My father is like six two sixty three something like that. So I'm gonna have me as taller. She's gonna be dunking on bitches. She backed up be dunking on these bitches, okay, but real, she gonna be a trained Olympian or something. We're gonna get at something where her height is gonna matter. All right, But motherhood has been great to me. It's been very challenging, y'all. Know.
I do have a twelve year old Ashton. He has been amazing.
He is like a part of the village that is helping us take care of Marley. He's happy to be a big brother again. We know the first baby daddy, little baby father. He got five kids. I think Ronan is got fire up five.
Kids, and so he is.
Ashton is used to being a big brother, but not used to mommy having a new baby. And I just think he's just ecstatic that he can grow up in the house with the baby this time, you know, because all of his siblings live with their moms and so he don't get to see them every day, don't get to talk to them. But he is around Marley every day all day. He loves her like she loves him. She'd be looking for him. And my baby is now almost three months. She's not three months yet, but she is a breastfed baby, so y'all, she's big and she looks like she's about four months going on five months. Man, I'm trying to figure out when the fuck I can feed her some actual food because she don't look her age. This is crazy, but the journey has been up and down.
I'm not gonna lie. I thought I would be like right back to work.
I thought after like six weeks I was gonna be like pumping and listen, these are my pumps that y'all hear.
I know, y'all, like, what the hell is that noise? If you're driving in.
Your car, or you in a gym, or you're doing something sitting at your job working, you're probably trying to find a sound I'm pumping. I am a breast pumping breastfeeding mom. Okay, so duty calls, and whenever it calls, I got to be on the duty. So this is what you get. And it's very challenging. I'm not gonna lie like I said. I thought I would be back at work a month and a half in No I felt crazy six weeks.
I know, I felt crazy.
Yeah, but you know why because I didn't anticipate breastfeeding being a whole nother full time job. Imagine being somebody's food, yo, Like you can't like I had to alter my diet.
I have to, you know, I can't do certain things.
I can't be away from her long, like even like right now sitting at iHeart doing my podcast like she on her last bag of milk. I got to run out of here as soon as I finished wrapping up this episode. And that's why I'm pumping, so I can like be there with her next bag of milk whenever she's hungry.
You know what I'm saying.
And I have a village, you know, I always say this. Now, I take my hat off, and I worship the ground that the single moms walk on, you know, because I have help. And it's still a big challenge every day. Me and Chris. We have his mom. She's the nanny, so we call her the grand nanny. And she moved all the way from Kuwait to come here and be a nanny for meet and her son. And this is our first grandchild, and that this is big for her, and this is also big for Chris because this is his first baby.
And we are excited.
We're definitely excited to be parents to her. It's definitely a challenge though she's so attached to me. But having to that transition from like taking her off the nipple putting her on a bottle, that was a little challenging because she got so used to being on my nipple. Whenever she cries, they go pop it right in boom. She latched perfectly. She latched well, and she is healthy. She ain't missing no meals. But sometimes I will say, being a breastfeeding mom, it definitely gets tiresome. I haven't had a full eight hour sleep yet I have to get up every two to three hours and pump. So this is this is like kind of like this is more uncomfortable than the pregnancy. The last trimester. I wasn't getting sleep, but I really can't even get even once I get like where I'm dreaming and getting that good rim cycle of sleeping, I gotta wake up in pump like it's crazy. So tailor here, Taylor here, y'all, tailor here, So how much do you pump? Though? Then? All right, so each session it varies, it's different, y'all, like, because some weeks are great and then some weeks it's like, damn, I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not pumping hardly like anything.
And I tell you, like what to eat.
Yeah, so I have lactation cookies. I had to change my diet like I was.
I had.
I think I was eating too much dairy because my baby's gas. She was smelling like a grown ass woman, and there's no way a baby's supposed to smell like my baby was smelling.
At uh, four and five weeks.
I'm like, oh, hell no, So I like instantly changed my diet. I stopped eating dairy, and then I started eating more protein, more vegetables, more fruits, fresh fruits, and then like flax eats, she is seeds, elderberry, chema meal tees, and just like trying to find different things to increase the milk flow.
I have lactation cookies.
I have a lactation specialist who I consult with every now and then. She's really really, really good. But you just learn in doing this, like you can't take advice from very well. You can take advice, but every woman is different. It depends on your body. And then I also got my boobs done at at a younger age as well, So I don't know. They keep saying dad on hand on had nothing to do with it, but I do believe it does. Because my right boob does not pump as much as my left boob, and one boob also hurts more when I'm pumping than the other, you know what I'm saying. And I don't know, it's more comfortable to breastfeed her than pump. Pumping hurts, like it hurts. It's a different type of pool. Yeah, definitely and it's a machine, you know what I mean, especially and when the pumps are fully charged. It's definitely some power behind that pump, you know. And I appreciate that I can actually make milk for her, because some moms can't pump milk at all.
And that was me with my first son. He and my first child.
My son did not latch, so I was just gonna pump, but then it hurts so bad I couldn't.
Then I wasn't, you know, producing.
I didn't really understand the benefits of breastfeeding back then though, So I I was young. I was pregnant when I was nineteen. I had him when I was twenty. Girl, I was back at working like four weeks, you know what I'm saying. And I it was it was good for me. And guess who I worked at. I worked at McDonald's. And look at my otfit today. Oh my god, y'all. So listen, I'm sitting up here right. I got dressed for work this morning, this acide. Now I'm gonna get back to all the shit I get ready for work this morning, right, And I had I got a white button up on him with red and yellow sweater.
All right.
The sweater goes over top of the white button up and I got the collar coming out of you know, I get real preppy or whatever, right, And I got on these black slacks and I got some black leather platform chunky hills, right, So that outfits sound cute, sound like it's geffing.
And so I just thought I was killing them when I walked up in here today.
So I first person I see is one of the producers here is Samantha, and she said, oh, you look cute, but it was the way she said it, and I was like, hold up doing So I went over to the mirror and it was quiet for like two minutes, and I came back like I did think I look cute, but now it looked like somebody managing at McDonald's.
I looked like the bitch to.
Walk out whatever, Like can I speak to a manager? And I kind of out like, hey, what's that like?
Fuck?
I look like I work at I can't unseeing yeah, because like I don't know. And I really thought I was killing them when I was strutting in his visch today and and then that just that was a trigger for me just talking about my first pregnancy, at my first birth because I worked at McDonald's and I love the.
Fucking manager girl looking dambis shit.
Okay, so hold up, hold up, I know the ship getting good. But listen to just a couple seconds of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen.
Let's get back to it. Is this about all right?
So what's the what's the What we think is the biggest difference being pregnant at this age versus when you first were pregnant.
I worry more like I worry about everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing things wrong all the time.
And sometimes I wake up and I feel like, Yo, what the fuck am I even doing?
Like you know what I'm saying a boy versus a girl too. You said, it's a different like that I have a girl.
No, But I honestly just felt like I was in a different I was in a different time in my life. I was in a different state of mind, and I just now I'm fully aware I'm a grown woman, and it's just like, but now I wish I had that not a care in the world mindset that I had when I was younger. It's like now I feel like I care about too much and I overthink things and That's why I was saying, I don't know if I do have postpartum depression. Some days, well actually a lot of days, I don't feel pretty. I don't feel like I can accomplish certain things that I knew I could accomplish before. I felt like I got to get back to work. I gotta get back to work. People are not gonna miss me, people are not gonna want me around anymore. And then I gotta get back on tour. My fans are gonna forget about me. I gotta write more comedy. I feel like I don't want to tell the same jokes and when I overthink a lot. But do you all think that's just your ambitious Like say you weren't pregnant, Maybe you just like broke a leg or something you just can't come in. Yeah, I don't feel like we'll be same it. It definitely would probably be the same. But the only thing that makes me feel like it is postpartum depression, and again I haven't been diagnosed, guys, is that I cry so much, like I feel like I can't do anything right, like crazy. And then and then I also feel like so many people, like every everything plays on your mind when you have postpartum depression, and I'm just gonna say, yeah, every little thing bothers me. Like even if I change my daughter and she starts like to cry, I feel like, oh my god, I hurt her or I'm not I'm not gonna pump enough. I always often think, like in the future, like you know what, one day I won't have milk for her, then what the fuck do I do? Because I don't want to give her a formula and now I'm standing on it. I don't, like, I really don't, and to reach his own I give my hat to a woman who has try breastfeeding and can't do it because everybody just can't do it, you know what I mean. I've been in that predicament before as well, But I always think about that because I don't pump enough to store. You know, you got women who can pump, like to share breast milk and still have milk for their kids. You got women that got too much damn milk. You know what I'm saying, Like that their breast leak. My breast has not leaked yet, you know what I mean, No, I haven't. I don't have that, and I feel like that would be a great problem. I hear women complain about it, but that's what I want. I want to be able to make massive amount of milk so I don't have to take my daughter on these fucking airplanes and shit and risk getting her sick at such a young age and shit. But those are all sort the benefits of breast milk. Your kids don't get sick easily. You know, they're getting all the nutrients and vitamins and protein and everything that they need because it's right there in the milk, and like all the good things that you have in you, it's just going right back into it.
Baby. You know I did.
I capitalize my placenta, so'm I'm still taking my prenatal vitamins to try to increase milk flow. Like I said the lactation cookies, I'm taking lactation capsules, like I'm staying hydrated.
I only drink coconut.
Water body armor because it's made with coconut water and.
Water regular water. Like I don't drink cooly, I don't drink sota.
I don't drink all the shit that I I always wanted to huh No, I mean everything that I that I want to drink. I can't orange juice, yes, but if I do drink juice, it got to be like one hundred percent juices. So I will drink grape juice or cranberry juice and not even a cocktail. I mean, like the real cranberry juice, orange juice, pineapple like all of that.
So I'm trying to be as healthy as I can.
But it's like only but so much you can do, like it's up to your body, like it's what your body produces. And I just get scared that I'm not gonna be able to feed her and I may have to put her on formula, and I just don't want to do it. And how long did you want to pump for until she's about eight nine months?
I honestly wanted to, you know.
And even when she starts eating like solids, like you know, real food, I actually still want to mix up my breast milk with it, Like I want to like puree carrots and carrots and celery and fucking broccoli and vegetables, cucumbers and shit like that, you know, things like fresh fruits and vegetables, and then mix it with my breast milk. I was watching this lady on TikTok and she does that and it's so healthy. Her kid be fucking that food up, and I'd be like, shit, that's I can't wait to do that. But like I don't want to have to put my baby on formula before then because I feel like I don't make enough.
Milk for her. I just I really don't.
And then also like on ano another point, like coming back to work was hard.
It was hard as shit because everybody just so it.
Everybody just flip flops. Like the interner is a strange place now.
Listen.
I've never been the type to care and to cater to people's opinions about me and shit like that.
But when you feel the way.
You feel after having a baby and shit and like your hormones up and down, it's like it's a like your mind does not allow you to think positively about shit. And I feel like people went from loving me and there's a few haters scattered around and there I mean, but I always had haters. I always confind for myself and let share roll off my back. People been talk about me my whole career. I don't care about that, but it's just something about it now, like it just seems like I've gotten so much more hate. Like yeah, like I don't know if my mind is set up to only go there with it, you know what I'm saying.
Yes, So I feel like you always said that.
It might be like you said, push permit, you say like you don't feel as pretty and everything else too, So that might be also a mindset to you haven't been here for a long time. Yeah, not a long time, but you know a few months, so the absence filled with all the other stuff you got going on and away with you.
But I don't think definitely, But I always think that people are on the internet. Yeah, in real life.
I know there's so many people on the internet that probably talking and then they've met me, like, oh they'll say nothing. Yeah, Like it's just I don't think you should pay that much mind to.
It, I know, And that's the thing I try not to. And then I have like Chris.
Chris always helps me with that, like he'll snatch my phone out my hand, like yo, what the fuck are you doing?
Like why are you looking for validation for your position? What it is? Yeah?
Or just bored nothing against y'all. We appreciate the listenership. I'm just saying a lot of times are just at their boring job. Yeah, and they know they can't be seen, so they're like, all right, cool, Like I'm basically a bot. I'm gonna troub her, and but to try to break somebody it's crazy. And it's like, I never really thought that I would be the person that struggled with this, because girl, you know, I don't get a fuck when nobody saying like usually like about me.
But I oh, oh my gosh.
That frenchy gas is a difference. It's a whole different gas, hain't it. I know, listen my dog be smelling like a whole fucking crack alley.
I'd be like, wait a minute, where the fuck did you go? What did you eat? What did you digest? Honey? Yeah, I know her dog is in here and he stank. Child.
If I was pregnant, how to throw it? You already know I couldn't handle no fucking smells. I could listen when.
I was pregnant. Yo, I could smell when somebody was coming on their period.
Yeah, Like my nose was like yeah crazy, uh huh, Like yeah, I had the cyclops of nose. Why because what sense are you losing then you say anything like you're saying, all your senses are heightened, like yeah, you got another baby growing like a human being growing.
Inside of you.
Absolutely, so I'm like, yes, man, like I could smell bullshit from miles the way too with these uh with a whole bunch of shit going on. That's why I was fixing a mess because I'm like, oh, yeah, these niggas are cheating on these bitches out here a little bit. If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back. You made me consider or made me realize, like when I was younger, or not even younger, but I used to be like, man, I want guys to be able to get pregnant too, so they could.
Feel how we feel. Yeah, but I don't what's that? No word?
Just because it is a superpower that women have. Yeah, and even seeing the challenges after pregnancy is I don't even Yeah, hell yeah, I appreciate that. No, for sure, it's a it's a thing. It is really a thing. And then honestly, I don't even think a man could handle this reckless Yeah, it is is different because I even think, like when you were saying, thinking about how you're eating, and it like yeah, because I'm thinking, like, what's the pregnancy it's going. I mean, people breastfeedp but I wasn't really taking consideration, like.
Saying me too.
I didn't know that it would be like this, this this much of a challenge, especially if you've never done it before.
Like I said, I just tried.
I wasn't able to go through with it at a younger age, but yeah, like it. It definitely is a whole different lifestyle, you know, And I thank God every day that I can pump. It's just sometimes I get so discouraged. So just for the moms out there, I know that you guys can sympathize with me, and just to have a level of level of empathy.
I know that you don't always feel.
Like you're doing your best, you don't look your best, you know you're behind or you know, because that's how I feel, you know. I still have my moments where I'm not as confident, and I am one of the most confident other fucking people ever. So I'm trying to get out of a funk and shake get Sometimes I wake up and I.
Don't feel it at all.
And then twelve newon a hit and I'd be like, oh gosh, and then Chris sees it and he's like, all right, come on, let's go take a walk, let's go meditate, let's go. And he really tries, he really really tries. But like, no matter what, you gotta feel it, you know what I'm saying. And so I'm wondering if therapy definitely will will help that. I mean, I don't know, because I definitely ain't trying to be on no meds for it.
You don't feel like you had push part of him when you had your first child. I was so young. I wasn't even worse.
I didn't even really consider what having a baby was like. Me and Rome didn't plan ash. We was just young, fucking trying to.
Like make the family.
Yeah we did, Yeah, but we were so young. I was twenty, he was twenty, and Rome was cheating on me real crazy. I lived with him, like I like, we did a lot of playhouse shit before we were even out of the house with our parents and shit. So it was a lot of things that me and a lot of growing up me and Rome had to do. I wouldn't change my history for the world, you know, because that's how I got my firstborn, my beautiful baby boy, and that's how I got my family. Room is my nigga, like my family for real. But no, this has been a fucking challenge and it's still challenging. I'm just happy that I have my own platform where I can talk about it on my own time and I'm actually sitting down with somebody that I trust, who's Taylor, and I can be heard and not be judged because this is a real thing and women go through this shit.
And now I know how Halle felt. Now I know you know what I'm saying.
I know how fragile a woman can be after giving birth. And then I had this little girl, no epidor I pushed her out naturally and listen.
Girl, I ain't even I ain't want to.
I was like, give me the drugs and Chris was like no, her head right there and they was like yes. I said what yes, girl, And I was bluffing the whole pregnancy because.
Chris is a holistic person, so the.
Whole time I was like we were doing it natural. Like I was on the radio line and ship to myself like yeah, it's just.
To sound good. I was like, yup, yup.
He had got the Duela force and everything. And I'm sitting there in my mind like, bitch, I'm gonna get this needle and sins since the fucking water break, I'm getting this needle whole out the whole time we get to the fucking I didn't know that I was dilated so far apart. I didn't know that I was. I didn't know that I was too late, you know. But my nurse did hear me say I want to try to do the sweat out epidoro, and so she purposely waited for it to be too late to give it to me.
And I do thank her for that.
I ain't gonna lie I do, because I think I was just so scared, you know. But it's amazing that that showed me what women can do.
Yo.
Women are as I said, Yo, we are so powerful like God made us. He was like, listen, no weapon, no weapon formed, you know, because we can do some amazing things. And before we get out of here, I just want to let y'all know Marley's dad delivered her like he did. He asked our doctor on the last visit before we actually went into labor.
He was like, can I deliver my daughter. The doctor looked at him like, yes you can.
And I was like, well, is he gonna get paid, because you can get over fucking money, that fuck girl.
But the doctor said, shit, I'm gonna get paid anyway. Go ahead, Let mer own baby.
Fuck girl, mean, like he sold, why are you pushing? She was just coaching me through it? And he he took her place. He got right there and then he she gave him some substance on his fingers or something like that. It was like a gel and it was warm. And because I didn't split, thank god. That was a big baby, yeah, split from and I didn't split. And by the grace of God, I didn't not split, y'all, because I just knew I was you know what I mean.
Chris was a big ass baby. I was a big baby. So I'm like, oh my god, I have a big ass child. But I didn't split. And that's that's because like he was.
Going around like the realm of my vagina, like he was really really helping me, oh like for real, and he caught her, like he helped like guide her out.
Of my wound.
Yeah, and it was amazing. The doctor trusted him. I trusted him and I just was I was like, I just need to get her out. Put that ring of fire. If you know, you know that ship is real. When you feel the baby's head come out, Oh my god. Then the rest after that you can get. If you can get through that pain, you can get through anything in life. I'm talking.
You could probably be shot and be like, oh, thank you. You know what I'm saying.
I probably feel better getting shot than the delivery delivering another fucking big head. That's so I always tell me my vestriend. I was like, you're gonna carry my child because that's always that's.
Dope, y'all. That's so funny. And look, I told she because I always wanted more kids.
I told she, I said, look, if i'll meet the love of my life, because I didn't just want to have a baby with anybody, but I always wanted more kids. If I don't meet to love my life by thirty five, me and you're gonna have a baby.
I said that.
And everybody know she is the ship and that's my best friend of ship.
Yes she is, gee whatever.
But I said, because she want kids too, you know, I was like, we're just gonna have a baby together.
And we ain't gonna be together a bitch you have a baby.
But then I was thinking, like, that's gonna be selfish because the baby, you know, it's gonna be like I'm y'all not even a gather, y'all best friends and y'all both my mothers.
It's the fucking going on. It's about the little But I don't love sing like that, like the fuck.
That's my bitch, oh not my not my bitch, like you know, but that's my girl. My friend she already had tier has three now, but like her second baby. I was like, yeah, so you're going to have my child too because I'm just because but you were just talking about that part is what I know.
I can't even it's how even Christmas even.
It was like deliver her, yeah and look at that and look at her come out and just yeah, he was down there chat No I know.
So how to feel after her?
Do you feel like a relief, like what's the Yeah, so after her whole body came out, he got her and everything, then you have to deliver the placenta. The placenta is like that bag of like everything that you know that.
Like do you feel the cord?
Like yes, I did, and I was like, everybody wanted me to be relieved. Everybody else was relieved too, Like, I'm like, no, it's still something in here. Come on, hurry up, y'all celebrating the ship. And then after that, my little sister over there, she gonna turn on. They not like us.
I'm much.
I don't want to handle motherfucking Kendrick right now, but I'm fucking pussy all wide hanging out sit. You can probably see up my ship everything, And I look over the nurse got the baby talking about Yep, they not like us.
Girl, Yes, very much.
Get out of Harber Hospital with Cherry Hill Baltimore sick. I said, hold the fuck up, put my fucking daughter down the ship. They all singing towards her, busting.
On a beat.
Hokey girl, everybody Chris got the gloves happy as ship, like, hey, they not like us. I'm I was done a part of your birth, Kendrick. Lama was definitely there in spirit in the goddamn room.
Yo.
But yeah, se y'all, we come to the end of another episode of Carefully Reckless with your girl just hilarious. I'm about to go run and get my baby. This milk and that's thank Tailor for just letting me vent to her and be vulnerable enough to share what I'm going through. And you know right now because she didn't have to listen.
But she did.
Y'all. We could have just did a regular just fix my Mess today, but I wanted y'all to I wanted to be as transparent as possible, and I wanted y'all to like come into my world for a second, because I go through shit too. Everybody goes through things. Just hilarious herself. Yes, everybody goes through things. And I didn't anticipate this, but it happened, and I'm getting.
Better every fucking day.
I'm still that bitch, yea, and listen to me every day on the Breakfast Club. Also catch me fix a Mess on Thursdays on a Breakfast Club and wherever you find your podcast, peace you next week. Can't Fully Reckless is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
