Call It What It IsThere are so many ways to satisfy your partner in the bedroom, and while sex toys can be super promiscuous and fun, they're not for everyone.
Jess & Camilla are joined by D*!do Duchess Zoë Ligon and she's sharing how to use them safely, their importance and why consent is absolutely essential.
Call It what It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camil Luddington, an iHeartRadio podcast.
Hello, Hello, Hello.
Hello, Call It crew. We have a very special episode for you today that we're very excited about. We teased it out and so many of you guys wrote in is.
Juicy, Juicy, juicy, I'm ready for all of it. I can't wait to see what we learn.
It is about sex choice, it's about sex, it's about conversations around sex. It's about all the different things we're feeling and inside, outside thinking.
And we went to Zoe, who is a celebrated sex educator. She's a journalist, and she is a dildo duchess.
She's a dildo duchess.
We're gonna find out about that. I need to start there. Maybe we start there.
Yes, we're gonna be you guys got vulnerable with us. We're going to be getting vulnerable with you guys on this episode, and we're gonna dive straight in. Let's let's bring in our dildo duchess.
Thanks for having me.
We're both very excited about this episode.
Me too. Well.
I'm Jessica, nice to meet you.
I'm Camilla. We have teased out Jessica and I went to Chicago recently and we were in front of a in a conference room full of fans, and they said, what is the most exciting episode you have coming up? And we teased this episode out. I said, our homework is test driving sex toys.
It someone has to do it. And by the way, we were there and after this, after the convention, we went to dinner and we're sitting there at dinner and Camilla looks at her phone and breaks into laughter because.
My husband texts me and he was like, your vibrators came.
Okay, I remember is is? When I looked at your phone, it was just a picture of the vibrator box. And then, uh, I think he said, a vibrator came for you in the mail.
I think I think he knew, he knew it was coming. He did know what was coming.
Oh see, I thought it was a total surprise.
Are you kidding? I've been banging on about this episode for weeks now.
I hope it came discreetly, because you know, sometimes beta.
And also just to go back to where our curiosity started, or where my curiosity started, was when we first started the podcast. One of our very early episodes because I think when you start this kind of thing, you know, we talk a lot about we started as actresses, and so often you kind of like guard information or you just don't want to be so intimate or bring like the super personal stories. And in the beginning of the podcast, we realize, you know, for sure, that's the most important part of this all is how we're connected, and we really we we connect over vulnerability and being able to talk about things and in a in a in a in a real way. And so one of the first stories that I told that I was definitely I felt like a little on tender hooks telling because I just hadn't in a public way before I had talked about you know what, I'm going to buy a vibrator and asking and feeling like nervous and not sure what to ask and just didn't you actually even want to talk or make eye contact with anyone. And then once I finally could get through the experience of being in a sex toy shop and buying a vibrator, that as I got to the cash register, I completely just jumped off my train of confidence and asked them to gift wrap it because clearly it wasn't for me. It was obviously for someone else. So I'm wondering if you gift wrap in your shop.
So we're an online store and everything comes like wrapped in tissue paper, so we're not generally gift wrapping individual items. But I used to work in a brick and mortar ten years ago in Soho, so I had my share of experiences with people, you know, even been remembering my own experience being eighteen going into a sex toy store. I mean, now I sell them and it is my wheelhouse, but I remember that first time being like, get me out of here. I don't want to think about what all these different things do. And it wasn't that I didn't have a comfort around sex, but obviously sex education does not teach you about that. You're lucky if you get any level of comprehensive sex ed. But you know, what does that like looking at a harness thinking about all those things. Oh, no, here's the butt toy section. What like? It just opens all these portals if you're walking in. And I think I was just getting novelty handcuffs for a college roommate at the time, and then I was just like, oh my goodness.
No, I still when I walk into a sex store and with my husband, I feel intimidated because I still don't know, oh how half the things work. I don't know how you find out they work, other than maybe asking the person that works there, which is feels weird. The only one I remember really back in the day, even knowing the name of was the Rabbit, And I feel like maybe that's because Sex and the City made it for sure, right, And it's like everyone you know that was like that was my first ever sex toy because it made it feel like it was okay to get that wand like it had had you know, pop culture. The girl's had it, well, I could get it and it was okay.
By the way the girl's done the things that I never did just weer clear.
Also, the Magic Wand is another one.
Oh I think that is actually the real og, right, that's like, yeah, yeah, the real og Rabbit, Magic Wand.
Yes these are. But there's so many new toys out there, and I'm lost, and I'm forty, and I don't want to be lost. I want to know. And and the crew they've sent us in questions and everything for today, but they they're curious. They want to know too, So I want to ask you first because your nickname is the dildo Duchess, which is incredible. How that name.
I was just like, that's an alliteration. I really like it. I love dildos. I really love talking about them too, because I think that not to like get into the weeds so early on, but I like a lot of toys that I think the average person is like, ew, who would use that? Ew? And especially when I was working in a brick and mortar, I had a lot of time being like, actually, me, you know, something that's like larger or longer, or like has a crazy texture on it. I found that those were things that were getting really knee jerk shocking reactions from people. And you know, I had literally have so many sex toys in my house that I periodically will donate on opened ones to like LGBTQ plus organizations or sex work organizations or you know, if they're boilable or testers. I'll just be like, I have so many of these things. I do not know what to do with them. My whole basement is devoted to them.
So she's a real duchess.
It's a problem, but it's also my business. So it's actually not.
Our name yeah, when people are ordering online, what is it that is the most popular thing that you find.
That people are ordering?
You know that there is definitely fads that come and go. I think we might all remember the rose from Technine. I don't know if that was just TikTok, but the rose was really viral in like twenty twenty one ish. It still sells really well, but there was a moment that that was all people were talking about because it's cute. It's easy to put on social media without it looking like a body part, right right, right, But that has not sustained into twenty twenty four. I mean, it still sells, but the novelty has worn off a little bit. I think it'll stick around.
Anything that's effective usually does exactly.
I mean magic wand was patented in the seventies.
Is that what you just showed us is the magic wand?
Yeah? Okay, yeah, that's the mini.
I personally know a woman who thought she was broken and thought I can never have an orgasm and was not young. I mean she was young, but she was older than you would think for someone who has never had an orgasm, and she that was I think that that one almost correct me. If I'm wrong. It almost seems like that was pretty full proof, like if your body's gonna have your body, because obviously, I mean, you were gonna get into this. But I guess is there are some women who actually cannot physiologically, But if you are able physiologically, the magic wand is going to be your shortest cut to an orgasm.
There's no such thing as something that is full proof, but you are correct in thinking that it is a very popular one due to its power, that it is going to really intensely stimulate the body. And there are so many reasons that, I mean, specifically Volva's. We just don't have a lot of education about anatomy like the clit, and the anatomy of the clit was really only fully understood in the mid nineties, whereas like penises, we've kind of understood, goodness, how they work, how they feel, how we pleasure them, like that's always been known.
You mean before the seventies, before the nineteen seventy, way yeah, way back, eighteen hundreds type stuff.
Yeah, yeah, even then. Yeah, uh so we're just starting out with like a really lack of baseline knowledge, which creates a barrier to orgasm. Then on top of that, there's you know, there's sexual trauma, trauma of any kind, medications that interact with your libido, and then I think a lot of it is also just like a huge gap in knowledge. But I like to be really straightforward and that like, I'm a person who really only reliably gets off with sex toys, and I think that there is a little bit of shame in that for some people. Thinking I've heard people say things like, well, I you know, I like it the organic, natural human way.
You know, it's like okay, like maybe they have more time than others.
Yeah, if you are having pleasure, that is great, no matter what. And if you're not having orgasms, you are pre orgasmic or orgasms just aren't on the table for you. There is so much pleasure to be had. But I think there is definitely such a big emphasis placed on orgasm and magic Wand I mean I'm kind of jumping all over the place here.
No, we love No, let's do it.
We jump around, Yeah, we jump around.
It's all good.
Yeah, it's it's super powerful. And some people find that the size or the sound of it is like a barrier to getting into it. They're like, ah, what am I supposed to do with this big object.
Well again, think back to the nineteen seventies. You were also connected to the wall.
It's a plug. Ye, there's no battery that can beat that either. There's nothing more powerful than plug an outlet.
When my friend was telling me the story, that was a component of it, like truly that there's this appliance was plugged into the wall.
Yeah, you an adapter cord, an adapter cord.
Our crew is vast, and we have all ages and all coming from coming from all the places. We've got Europe, we've got the US, we've got South, and we've got everyone listening. And this is meant to be educational, This is meant to be empowering. This is meant to, you know, illuminate how curious we all should be about our own sexuality and our pleasure. I think because I'm a mom, I have a son and three daughters, there's a lot of things that I'm interested in talking about that are even different than my own experience with sex, right, like how to empower and teach a different generation, and how as a as a as a female to empower my young male son and my three female daughters. So you know, we've talked a little bit about both of us were raised in Catholic households, so you know what was brought to our idea of sexuality from our culture and customs, and so that's a piece of it. And then I think you get into school age where you know, you're talking about sex education classes where I listen to my kids talk about it, and that's the last place that they want to hear about it. So I feel for these schools that you know that need to implement this layer of education but sort of don't know how and they don't have the best way of going about it. And I think also I go back to again having a teenage son and an almost teenage daughter.
Okay, so for someone that is starting out, this is brand new to them.
I think versatility is really important for a first time toy because you know, it depends what you want to stimulate. Are you looking to put a toy around a body part or inside of a body part that's going to just boil down to personal preference. I think so much of it is going with your gut instinct to a certain extent, also accepting that there will be a natural trial and error with the first thing you buy you might not love. That does not mean all vibrators or all strokers and sleeves are going to have that exact same experience. You're looking for something that you know has multiple speeds, if it's motorized or has multiple ways, it can be used so that if you don't like using it one way, there's another way you can use it. A really good example would be like a g spot vibrator. If you don't like using it internally. Most internal vibrators are also great as external massagers as well a cockering. For instance, if it's vibrating and you don't enjoy using it as a cockering, you can use it as an external finger vibe. Just as a couple ways that you could modify how you use something if you don't like its original marketed purpose.
For instance, I love the Camilla's face, by the way, is very serious. My face is very serious. But I wonder Camilla if while she was saying any of those words, yeah, you had what I had happening inside my body, which was like, oh my god, she just said cockering.
Oh my god, I didn't I know it's a stroker.
And a Sleever, what's would you say a sleeve, A stroker what.
Is Yeah, I'd say that's my Well it's so funny too, because the language I use on social media versus in person conversations or you know, there's so many words that are censored. So a stroker or sleeve is kind of a what is a euphemism for a fleshlight? For instance?
Like what is a flashlight? Again?
Okay again?
Like you knew the first time, like you knew to start?
Did you know that? Do you know what a flashlight is?
I've heard I'd been admitting that I have no idea what she's talking about.
There's a fake a fakegina.
Yeah, so it's like, oh, I wish I just had one easily laying around.
It's a fake vagina that has sort of like an attachment, right, so you can insert yourself into it.
It's basically a tube that you can stick your penis into, and sometimes it's open on both ends, sometimes it's closed at the end. The reason the fleshlight is called that is because it is cleverly contained inside of like a fake flashlight container. But also to clarify, like fleshlight is kind of like saying Kleenex for tissue. A lot of people will just say flesh light when they mean something. It understood, okay.
And then what I was thinking about when you were talking is I think that I've wondered can they go inside you too?
That's a really good question because it's a complicated answer. It depends on the vibrator. For instances, this is not something you would want to insert simply because it wasn't designed to be inserted for starters, got it. But this is like like a hard plastic joint. When people see this, it's so long that they think, okay, this is insertable. I don't think it would. I mean, I certainly wouldn't recommend doing that, but it is not designed for that. Verses this which is completely silicone, so there's no interrupting parts. There's no like exposed screws or anything.
Right, and something that's silicone for the crew is okay to put an insert inside yourself. It is safe.
In general, silicone is one of the better materials to look for, along with like stainless steel and pyrex glass, which is obviously a very different type of material. But silicone is not all created.
Equal, Okay, yes, tell us, Yeah.
There's different manufacturing processes and the way silicon is cured or just like the quality of it can really change a lot of factors over all, though silicone, if it is genuinely indeed silicone, you're looking at a probably body safe product. The issue, and I mentioned this earlier when I was emailing back and forth with the production team, is that there's not really any regulations on sex toys in the United States.
So we read this be where you came on and we were yeah, lord, yeah.
I know. I don't want to like completely like, no, we want to talk the other side of it.
But we want we want to inform the crew of all all the things and why your online sex toy store is a spectrum boutique is so incredible is because of all the amazing products that you have, because I read is this true that dog toys are currently held to a higher material safety standard than adult toys? Is that true?
Yes? And that is because insane sex toys are kind of in this legal gray area of being novelties, where they are you'll see a dildo and it will say novelty not for intended for internal use, And a lot of that is just because there is so much taboo around sexuality and the subject matter of sex toys themselves, that the government has kind of like not really done anything to create regulations, which is good in the sense that we don't want there to be super strict, like sex negative rules that prohibit the things we are allowed to manufacture, because you know, as history goes a lot of times that is very misogynist or you know, not going to be considering they're not going to be consulting with sex educators when they're making this policy. But at the same time, you leave this big open can of worms where you can kind of put any material on the market, call it whatever you want. There's not really any repercussions for it, so you have to just kind of as a shop owner, my job is to work with brands where I have a direct line of communication with them. I can see the certificates on the electronics and the materials, and I can be like, cool, there's no lead in here, there's no thalatees in here. Just for a couple of the big things to look out for.
Was that part of your motivation to start the store?
You know, it came throughout the process of manufact during my own toys, because I realized that the tests you have to get done on an item that you manufacture are so expensive that a lot of people just don't want to do it. It's it really boils down to money and also just like a lack of information. But I think that it's important to not like fear monger. I think sex toys even okay, like even the safest car in the entire world, if you get into you can get injured. If it's if you get in an accident. Similarly, with sex toys, you can you know, injure yourself if you use anything incorrectly. But my job as a retailer is to make the best possible decisions for my customers. Only carry things I would want to be using, you know, as far as like quality levels go. The issue is that we need to be able to make informed decisions. Like when we're at the grocery store, we're like, ah, do I want to spend more money on the organic ra Berri's or just like the other ones? And that is the information that is lacking with sex toys. But that's really just like boils down to the taboo. Not to get too often to my right, my preachy mode on all that.
No, no, no, what's your best seller? Like what is it do you? And are you selling primarily to men or women?
I would say that my personal audience is, according to Google and Instagram women, millennial women. But we really have like customers from all walks of life. There's no like, there's no such thing as being too old for a sex toy, you know, But I think that there is such a double standard with the stereotypes of like who likes what? Like vibrators can be enjoyed by anybody, right, However, best sellers, I brought a few choice items up. I mean I already showed you the magic wand, but uh, this is another toy.
For those listening to Magic Wand, which started as something you had to plug into the wall, but now is cordless. Would be an external like sort of starter point for your clitterists.
It's a yes to buy weight on your clitteress.
Right.
People also call them massagers. Yes, they're marketed as use them on your back, use them on your you know, your your neck, your foot.
Like okay, yeah, if you come upon someone in their living room using a massage or on their neck, my guess is it was somewhere else before is on their neck?
Okay, So wait, I'm interested in this shiny space.
Yes, so now she's bringing out the shiny situation.
Okay, that looks good. I would not necessarily know what to do with this.
It's a more complicated one. But the reason I want to bring it out is because it is a best seller in the sense that it has been around for a really long time and it continues to be very steadily popular, especially for its price point. It's about one hundred and ten dollars, which you know for aduldo is a little pricey. So this is the stainless steel This is called the low wand hoop, but it is very similar to the original silhouette, which was the Enjoy Pure wand basically just like a C shape that's made out of stainless steel. So you can use either end. There's so many different ways to use it. Some people use it in like a rocking motion for like very intense g spot or prostate stimulation. Sometimes people kind of move it in and out and more of a tugging motion or swiveling motion. It's really pinpoint pressure inside your body, as opposed to a dildo that is just kind of like uniform straight shape throughout.
Can I ask why it's made of metal? Why is it made of me stalinless steel? Because you can stainless? Is it because you can heat it and cool it?
Yeah, that's one reason people like it. It's also so different having a hard material inside your body, just like the resistance feels very different. But also like, you know, there's zero bend to this, and like silicone or you know, the human body obviously bends, So it's trying to mimic the like come hither motion, which is what it's generally called for. How you want to finger somebody if you're stimulating their G spot or prostate.
For those who have a hard time with this, who are sort of like going, I feel stigmatized or I feel ashamed even even talking about this. Do you feel like you've had experience with people like that and what do you feel like has been like the aha moment for you in speaking to people like that to help them get comfortable with whatever they're going to ultimately be comfortable with, right, Like you have to always check in with yourself, but has there been you know, a way of connecting with people and going like, oh, there was this aha moment, this is how they got over that stigma, that shame totally.
I think it really depends on the source of that and like what sets that off for that person individually. I'm going to kind of go back to something you said earlier to answer this, which is that there's so many aspects of sex that aren't literally sexual, and a lot of this has to do with sex education in school. Sex education doesn't have to be like the nuts and bolts and just the anatomy. Really like starting out at any age, you can talk about consent and boundaries and you don't have to give you know, uncle so and so a hug if you don't want to, or I'm not going to make you eat this food if you're not hungry right now, Like giving a child the autonomy to think for themselves and decide yes or no, so that they don't you know, feel like, oh well when I say no, it doesn't really matter because then you know, you start to internalize.
That that's such an incredible point and so well put, yeah, I love that.
Yeah. So I think that whether the aversion to talking about sex is about like shame based whether that be from messages we got when we were younger or negative experiences as an adult, there's there are also people who are asexual, and you know, perhaps they really want companionship but not the sexual stimulation portion. And there you know, at the end of the day, we all want some level of intimacy with other people and ourselves, but maybe that isn't physical, Maybe that's just emotional. You know, there's still much pleasure in companionship, and relationships aren't just romantic and sexual. There are platonic ones as well.
So I'm hearing you say that if you're feeling like there's a stigma or there's a shame around how you're thinking about or talking about sex, that it would be a good thing to examine the root of it, where it came from, because a lot of times these things can happen when we're younger and we get older and we're meant to evolve, we're meant to change. So checking in with our younger selves and saying like, does this still hold true? Do I still feel this way? Is this still you know? Is the authority figure still the authority figure in my life? Who am I disappointing? Right by? Who am I disappointing my engaging in this conversation? Am I disappointing someone else? Or am I disappointing myself. These are all questions I think that are very valid to ask yourself as you're sort of starting to talk about sexuality in a very open way. I love this whole idea you were talking about selling mostly or a bulk of your clients were millennials. I love this whole sex positive. I mean, what would you call it? I mean, is it a movement? Is it a phrase? Is it a and what does it mean? Because I've heard a lot of other people that were older be like, well, isn't that just another word for like, you know, I mean, I don't know, in circums annoying. Yeah, the annoying and negative thought that you're just like, you know, it's the slutshaming, right, it's the it's the it's the it's the there can't be anything good that comes of all this sex. So now there's this whole idea that there's a sex positivity. So so what do you how would you explain that?
I think the definition has changed so much, especially in the last ten years, because it's become one of those buzzwords that gets used in so many different contexts that it kind of becomes just a super generalized term for me. I would define it as not having to be having It's not about having wild and crazy sex or kinky sex or anything like that. It is trying to foster a shame free approach to it or your lack thereof, and an open mindedness for the sex lives and needs of others, kind of excluding basically anything that isn't safe or consensual adults engaging in you know, consensual sex and and all that. You know, it's it's kind of like, even if it's not for you, if it's you know, positive for somebody, not to yuck their yum. I think that's one.
Way of putting it.
But yeah, that doesn't.
Mean you have to be down for every little sexual fad or like you have to have anal. Sex is a really big one. I hear where people think that being sex positive means you must force yourself to do every sex act or you must be non monogamous or something like that.
I think that's such an important thing to just break for for a moment. Is that it is so important to consistently check in with yourself about what is right for you. There's a lot of noise. The constant checking in with yourself about what you're excited to do and what you're comfortable to do, and making sure that as much as it sounds nerdy in the throes of some fun stuff, to check in, I think it's important to check in.
What I love about this conversation is I see it more as for me personally. In my journey, I didn't know what could make me orgasm. I felt lost myself. So when I had in the early days, when I had a partner, I didn't know what to tell them that I liked. And so I feel like buying a sex toy, having those solo missions by yourself is really just like self education, and I'm learning about my own body. Is I literally had no idea what would work to make me have an orgasm. I didn't know what speed, I didn't know where, I didn't know what I liked. And I just feel like it's an exploration of finding out more about yourself. So going and buying a sex toy, taking it home, seeing what feels good, seeing what doesn't feel good. I feel like, then when you have your sexual partner, you're able to actually articulate what it is it's going to have you orgasm. And I hated the feeling of feeling lost. I was like, I guess that feels good. I don't know. And I think that that's where so many people can I just think it's a way for everyone to embrace this idea that it's no shame around it. It's really just education about your body too, like how do I work?
Oh, I love every single thing you just said. I love everything you just said, and it's so, so, so true. And I think by the way, that kind of thinking sort of led to a lot of the like when Harry met Sally stuff right, like the the the partner thinking, you know, the other one had climaxed and it was all just completely like what the other partner thought they were supposed to do, but they didn't know how to do. And I think we're living in a time where the sex positivity piece is that you can not know and that can be okay, and you can say something and you can and you can and you can fix that problem.
And it's a journey too. Even trying something and realizing you do not like it is part of figuring out and honing in what you do. Like, so I think that a lot of the apprehension is like what if I try this thing that works for everybody and it doesn't work for me. What does that say about me? There is no such thing as like a thing everybody likes and again figuring out like I really do not like you know, uh flicky flickering sensations or whatever. Great, you've just learned a huge piece of information that will event help you get to what you do.
Like, So, in addition to the toys, do you have a conversation starters for people? I mean people who are experiencing this sort of like I don't know what to say or I don't know what to do, Like is there advice that you have for getting you're.
Talking about people in a relationship Like yeah, okay, okay, okay, how.
Do you approach the conversation of you you have a partner, you're really excited about all the things that are about to happen, you don't know how to talk about it or you're not yet sure like what you're operating instructions are, and like how do you how do you start that conversation in a way that doesn't feel I mean that you don't worry about it feeling clumsy.
I also think it's like totally okay to be clumsy. Yeah, but I know exactly what you mean. Even couples who have been together forever and ever, these conversations are like constantly evolving and it's more of a journey than a one and done thing because the type of sex you might be wanting to have, you know, first thing in the morning on a tunes if that's your time frame versus you know a week later, you're going to be in a different mental space. You're not going to feel the exact same way you did that exact moment.
Well, I think, by the way, that's why you need a partner that you really love. And you no, no, no, it's not that you really love necessarily, so you feel really comfortable with because communication, but all of these things are very vulnerable and intimate, right, And so we're talking about moments where you might say like I don't like that? Can you try this? And having that confidence to not know that your partners like right there with you is going to make your sex life so much better. And I feel like what I feel like happened you know, years ago, maybe still happening now. Is I feel like, also, there was this thing where as a woman you didn't want to bring a sex toy into sex because maybe you feel like the guy I was feeling like he wasn't doing something well enough, and it was like, you know, you're bringing something, you know. I think it's really important to get rid of all of those feelings too, and know that because you want to bring something into sex to level up your sex life is not a comment or a judgment on your sex partner. They're not doing anything wrong. You're just adding more things in to make it delicious.
I think a really good comparison is if you look at sex toys as tools. Almost everything in human life we have adapted to using tools. We eat with utensils or you know, chopsticks or a fork, but you can also eat with your hands. That's doable, obviously. And similarly, if you're building a house, nobody's going around being like, yeah, well it's not a real it's not a real house because you use power tools. Like you didn't do it all by hand. You didn't stand it by hand. You've got to you know, you used to a sander, Like nobody sees other aspects of life as being compromised when we use a tool. So I think that viewing toys as a competitor can be shifted into being like this is a collaborative item. I am using with my partner.
I love that so much.
Oh, I just need some more tools from a toolbox.
So we were sent ahead of this the plus one sex toy. It looks like this. I'm going to show you everyone in the box again, looks.
Like this and when one end it up, I have one here as well.
You have one here. Is very soft, it feels amazing, okay, and it comes with this situation too, so you need to charge it, okay. So tell us about this particular sex toy.
Yeah, that is a something I would loosely categorize as a vibrating bullet. The name comes from they used to make them out of hard plastic and like put a silvery finish on them, which is where it got its name. But it really is just a term that refers to any small or compact vibratory. And what's really great about small vibrators is that you can put them into, you know, smaller spaces, fit them between bodies more easily. A bullet is not insertable just because it's a little too short and definitely not like butt safe. But there's also like toys that have a hollow hole inside of them, like a dildo or a plug. They'll have like a little hollow base where you can stick the vibrator inside to make another toy vibrate. A lot of cock rings also work that way. You like slip it through or in harnesses. If you're having like a strap on sex and using a harness and a dildo, a lot of people like to put vibrators into the harness so that the person wearing it can feel the vibration.
I didn't know that you could. I didn't know that there were sex toys that were made to have other sex toys added.
Oh yeah, they're very interactive, and like same with the wands too. There's like all these attachments you can flop on top that do make them insertable.
This particular sex toy is especially safe in as.
Much as a sex toy can be.
Yes, absolutely, I mean, like the materials it's made of and things like that that way.
Okay, I'm familiar with the brand and the people who make it, and they are pretty well known as a manufacturer, So yes, I definitely think that it's like a solid brand.
Before we dive into questions, I saw something in our pre notes that had me fall on the floor and that was Is it true? Please tell me it's not true. I'm hoping that we made a mistake. If you order a toy from Amazon, there is potential that that toy is a returned toy that you're now getting.
I don't work at Amazon, so I can't tell you exactly what their methodology is. But in general, I run into this issue as a story that does not accept returns or exchanges because otherwise it would compromise the health and safety of my customers. So obviously, if something is defective or broken, or there's some type of issue with it, that is a very different story.
But basically, if you're buying sex Whys from a place that accepts refunds.
Or returns, we're not sure that we're not guaranteed on what we're getting.
They could be recirculated.
Well, that's why we're all going to Spectrum boutique. No one, Everyone log off of Amazon right now, take it out of your cart, and go to Spectrum.
I really don't mean to fear monger Win saying that, because there are so many legit awesome brands that have like their storefront on Amazon.
Okay, we just need to do our research.
It's just like how a lot of lingerie is not returnable.
Yes, yes, yes, I'm just saying. It's just something that never crossed my mind. So like, if you're doing just your research, I would not have looked yet. I wouldn't even thought about having to look and research that. I think. I think just reading that possibility was so shocking to me. We have questions from the crew. They wrote in specifically for you. Okay, so Sarah said, I would like to know what are the best moves to be doing being a girl, so that doesn't feel like my boyfriend is doing all of the work. I feel like I don't know how to move right and I don't want it to always be him doing the work. I would like to be better help. What do you advise for this? What are some moves?
Yeah, girl needs some moves.
I definitely don't have like the special magic bullet answer. I think that a very boring answer is ask your partner. I think that if you want really specific like moves and stuff, I think that's also again where I don't want to say that porn is like an education for that.
I was gonna say porn because I wanted to ask this question. I would like to know, like if if Sarah would like to if Sarah would like Sarah's a visual learner and Sarah wants to get some help, is there a place to go to for a well lit some storyline to action value Jessica to I what production value high production value porn? For Sarah. I want her to be able to look at it and not and also like not judge herself for looking at it and be like I'm imagining that, Sarah, maybe you wouldn't. But then where she can go where it's like, Okay, that's a creative move that I can have, right, because she's saying I don't know what to do and he's doing all the work.
I want to make sure I do clarify though, that so much of porn is stuff that is just done for camera. So there's a huge difference between watching like a studio production where there is a whole set and it's you know, versus is watching like an independent creator who's like on a webcam, who is like maybe doing things with their partner. Like this category is often referred to as like amateur, but there's a huge difference between like Ah there's a couple on webcam versus like there's all this studio set and set up. So I don't want everyone thinking like, ah, whatever you see in porn, go do it, it's gonna feel great. So much of sex is like in the brain, and like the brain is the biggest sexual organ in that way. So like also tying in the dirty talk and like for play, it's all kind of like building up this pressure cooker in your brain of like the fantasy component or lack thereof getting excited and anticipating what's going to happen later in the day.
Technically, I mean like girl on top. Those are some mooves. I mean, like you're doing you're doing some moves. If you sit on top of a guy reverse cow girl, you're on top, you're facing the other way.
Yeah, there's benefits of being on top because you're because you're able to control your bodily movement a little bit more.
Okay, wait, I really want to get to another one. So this one is anonymous. Is it normal to feel shame after masturbation? I get a wave of sadness and shame. I don't know why, as it's something I'm not shy to talk about. And it is a healthy part of life, but for some reason I feel disgusted when it's me.
Just the phrase that you always say, like, we got to get curious. I know, you got to get curious with yourself right in a situation like this and ask.
Yourself why yeah, which goes back to what I think you were saying earlier Zoe about you know, where in your development was that idea introduced?
Where?
And where who in the story of your life said?
You know?
Storations disgusting, because likely someone said it, and I think that that would be a good place to start.
Absolutely. I think a lot of questions are kind of hinging on is this normal or not? And this is a perfect example of a question like that. There is no such thing as normal, so it is. I think, like maybe the question is also like is this a thing that other people experience? Because if you know it's normal, there's nothing wrong with your feelings and how you feel. Shame is like a natural emotion we all feel, but having it towards pleasure can be really confusing and contradictory. And obviously if you want to change that, and it sounds like you might want to if you're asking this question, I think that there's like so many diff different ways you can have intimacy with yourself that again is not directly sexual and can and can get there. For some people that means like just doing external stimulation and building up comfort with that. But I guess what I really want to make sure is said, though, is that like it's normal in the sense that like there is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way. Does everybody feel that way? No, A lot of people definitely feel that way because that is societally the message we all kind of receive.
But if you if you don't want to feel that way, there is a path forward. And if you don't want to feel the solutle to yourself, there is a path forward, and I think that you will find it again. I think that they're getting curious and talking to people around you. I think there's real safety and numbers about this kind of stuff. Right, Like you, when you see someone else having a similar experience, or when someone's talking about it and they have no shame, that might be a little contagious, right You might think, Oh, that's that they don't have any shame, So maybe I don't have any shame, Okay, I just want to get to this very last one, and then I want to thank you so much for your time. My sister Sasha was the one who brought you to us, and I'm so grateful to her. She knows, she knows all of it. Okay. The last question is from anonymous again, is it healthy for me to be so noisy during sex and my boyfriend not to be until he actually reaches climax? Also, why can't I climax with actual sex inside of me? I feel like so many people want to know this. I feel like I hear the answer, but you go.
For it totally, you know us. Okay, So the first part of that question, there's absolutely nothing wrong actually with a lot of things where people are like, I do this differently from my partner. It would honestly be like more unusual for you to be the have the exact same libido as your partner to make the exact same amount of noise. So there's always going to be differences in how we express how we feel. So no, I mean, unless you're like, oh, I want to be more respectful of the neighbors. I mean, but I'm just kidding.
And then she's asking why she can't climax with actual sex inside of her.
I think that going back to the lack of awareness we have about the clit, the clit is the external clitteral stimulation is required for the vast majority of people to have an orgasm. So if there's no clitteral stimulation, if you if you can have an orgasm without direct external clitteral stimulation, you are actually statistically on like that is just less so a thing. I can put that in a you can put that more succinctly.
You are in the minority if you are climaxing during exactly.
Thank you for putting that so eloquently. And I think a lot of people don't realize that the clit is also an internal organ and the external part that we see is just like the tip of the iceberg, so much of it goes inside and between the vaginal canal and the belly side essentially is like the whole body of the clitterists. So you are stimulating the glitterists from inside when you are having penetrative sex. And that's not to say that there aren't other pleasurable spots within the vagina that feel really good, but if you are not giving direct contact to the clit that is most of the time. The culprit for having a hard time achieving orgasm is that what that silver.
Situation would be getting too more first, Oh the g spot, Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I had a feeling, yes, purpose, yeah, I think popularity could be explained definitely. Oh my gosh, there's going to be a part two for sure.
Oh, there's a part for I.
Would love to take it the beginning.
Thank you so much for joining us. We have so many morequestions from the crew. We have to get to next time, and please come back.
It would be my pleasure. Thank you so much for the wonderful questions. I think that these are all really great and honest and vulnerable questions, and I appreciate you coming letting me come shut a little bit of lad.
Yes, and now and now that we you know, obviously you have your spectrum boutique. Imagine you have an Instagram handle.
Yes, my personal account is thong Ria like the underwear uh th h O N G R I A. Or you can just google my name Zoe Ligan. But it's it's a lot of a lot of sex toys. Obviously you'll be prepared if you if you search me fantastic.
Thank you so much, thank you so much, thank you, thank you.
I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. Continue to send us in your questions, your queries, because we will have her back on. This is going to be a continuing thing. We're learning with you guys too, as you can tell. And Jessica, you want to call it.
Let's call this the end of the beginning of lots more episodes.
Oh, I like that.
