How do they make all the kids feel included without showing favoritism?

How do they make all the kids feel included without showing favoritism?

What if I struggle with desiring my wife?

What if I struggle with desiring my wife?

I'm getting to the emotional thing of why I don't feel any emotions anymore, and I'm starting to question if I actually am in a marriage or not.

I'm getting to the emotional thing of why I don't feel any emotions anymore, and I'm starting to question if I actually am in a marriage or not.

Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of February, featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker.

Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of February, featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker.

We have some written questions for Doctor Chapman today, as well as your recorded calls, and let me encourage you if you have something going on in your relationships. If you're single, you're married, and you have a question or comment, call us at 1866424. Gary. And this is not just a problem line. Maybe there's something that's happened in your relationship that went well. Maybe it is because of the five love languages and you want to encourage somebody else with your experience. So questions, comments, even response to our conversation today. Call 1-866-424-4279.

We have some written questions for Doctor Chapman today, as well as your recorded calls, and let me encourage you if you have something going on in your relationships. If you're single, you're married, and you have a question or comment, call us at 1866424. Gary. And this is not just a problem line. Maybe there's something that's happened in your relationship that went well. Maybe it is because of the five love languages and you want to encourage somebody else with your experience. So questions, comments, even response to our conversation today. Call 1-866-424-4279.

You know, Chris, I always enjoy these conversations because they remind me of what happens during the conferences that I lead throughout the country. You know, when people come up to me afterwards and and they say, Doc Chapman, we just want to tell you and they'll tell me their story. Many times it is how the five love languages impacted their marriage 20 years ago. Sometimes, you know, or 15 years ago and how it really saved their marriage and turned things around. So I always enjoy calls from people who are not just asking questions, but also making comments about what they have found helpful, you know, in their relationship.

You know, Chris, I always enjoy these conversations because they remind me of what happens during the conferences that I lead throughout the country. You know, when people come up to me afterwards and and they say, Doc Chapman, we just want to tell you and they'll tell me their story. Many times it is how the five love languages impacted their marriage 20 years ago. Sometimes, you know, or 15 years ago and how it really saved their marriage and turned things around. So I always enjoy calls from people who are not just asking questions, but also making comments about what they have found helpful, you know, in their relationship.

And you can find out where Gary is going to be in the coming weeks by going to the website Building relationships.us. Just click events and you'll see his speaking schedule again, building relationships us. And while you're there, click the resources tab and you'll find the featured resource for today, the book by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. And Gary, we're going to have John with us, with you in just a few weeks to talk about that book. But can you give us an overview or maybe one of the quick, practical insights that I need today?

And you can find out where Gary is going to be in the coming weeks by going to the website Building relationships.us. Just click events and you'll see his speaking schedule again, building relationships us. And while you're there, click the resources tab and you'll find the featured resource for today, the book by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. And Gary, we're going to have John with us, with you in just a few weeks to talk about that book. But can you give us an overview or maybe one of the quick, practical insights that I need today?

Well, you know, Chris, I wrote this book along with John because I have the sense that more and more in today's culture, people are looking for short chapters in books rather than long chapters because everybody's busy. So what we're dealing with this book is a lot of topics, short chapters on a lot of topics related to various aspects of the relationship. You know, one, of course, is the whole issue of conflicts. And how do we solve conflicts without arguing with each other. How do we process our differences? But a lot of different topics. And I'm thinking that people are going to find this book not only readable, but it's also going to help them at the end of every chapter, we have specific ideas in terms of how you can apply what you've just read to your own marriage. So it's a very practical book. I'm very excited about it. It sounds.

Well, you know, Chris, I wrote this book along with John because I have the sense that more and more in today's culture, people are looking for short chapters in books rather than long chapters because everybody's busy. So what we're dealing with this book is a lot of topics, short chapters on a lot of topics related to various aspects of the relationship. You know, one, of course, is the whole issue of conflicts. And how do we solve conflicts without arguing with each other. How do we process our differences? But a lot of different topics. And I'm thinking that people are going to find this book not only readable, but it's also going to help them at the end of every chapter, we have specific ideas in terms of how you can apply what you've just read to your own marriage. So it's a very practical book. I'm very excited about it. It sounds.

Really good. Can't wait to talk with John about that as well. It came out earlier this month and if you go to Building relationships.us and click resources. You'll see that by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A simple guide for making marriage better. Go to building relationships.us. All right. We're going to start with a written question for you this week, Gary. And this is a tough one. Doctor Chapman, my wife of 26 years, left me three months ago. Only now do I understand that her love language is acts of service. Is there any way I can do acts of service for her from a different residence than her. I am dying inside without her. But she says that the love is dead. When I told her I read your book, though, she seemed interested. Please help Doctor Chapman. Any advice you can give me, I will follow.

Really good. Can't wait to talk with John about that as well. It came out earlier this month and if you go to Building relationships.us and click resources. You'll see that by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A simple guide for making marriage better. Go to building relationships.us. All right. We're going to start with a written question for you this week, Gary. And this is a tough one. Doctor Chapman, my wife of 26 years, left me three months ago. Only now do I understand that her love language is acts of service. Is there any way I can do acts of service for her from a different residence than her. I am dying inside without her. But she says that the love is dead. When I told her I read your book, though, she seemed interested. Please help Doctor Chapman. Any advice you can give me, I will follow.

Well, I can be empathetic with this caller, of course, because I think any time that a spouse chooses to leave us and communicate that they don't feel loved by us, it's devastating. Unfortunately, there are many individuals like this gentleman who are really not aware of what's going on, are not going on in the mind and heart of their spouse. That's why I think the five love languages has been so helpful to many couples. I'm glad that he's read the book. At least he's got the picture now of why she feels the way she feels, and if she were open to reading the book, which she may or may not be. But if she were, I think she could look back and realise why she feels the way she feels, and she could see that there's hope, because we can always learn how to speak love to another person in a meaningful way. So if he would feel good sharing the copy of the book with her, or maybe if she's got another friend who could give her a copy of the book could be helpful. I would suggest one other book that I've written that I think he might find helpful, and that is it's entitled One More Try What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart. And it would be good for him to read it. It'd be good for her to read it. Uh, in terms of what else he might do, the fact that he's read the book that he's shared with her, that he believes her language is acts of service, and he realizes he has not been good at that. Uh, he might ask her, honey, where we are now. What could I do that would be helpful to you? What could I do that would be meaningful to you? And I can't guarantee you know that she's going to say, well, you do this, this, this, and I'll come back and we can reconcile. My guess is this has been going on for a long time in her heart and her mind. But I think apologizing to her for his failures in the past and asking her, what might I do now that would be helpful to you at this stage in our relationship? That kind of spirit, that kind of attitude, I think, is the very best thing you could do at this point.

Well, I can be empathetic with this caller, of course, because I think any time that a spouse chooses to leave us and communicate that they don't feel loved by us, it's devastating. Unfortunately, there are many individuals like this gentleman who are really not aware of what's going on, are not going on in the mind and heart of their spouse. That's why I think the five love languages has been so helpful to many couples. I'm glad that he's read the book. At least he's got the picture now of why she feels the way she feels, and if she were open to reading the book, which she may or may not be. But if she were, I think she could look back and realise why she feels the way she feels, and she could see that there's hope, because we can always learn how to speak love to another person in a meaningful way. So if he would feel good sharing the copy of the book with her, or maybe if she's got another friend who could give her a copy of the book could be helpful. I would suggest one other book that I've written that I think he might find helpful, and that is it's entitled One More Try What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart. And it would be good for him to read it. It'd be good for her to read it. Uh, in terms of what else he might do, the fact that he's read the book that he's shared with her, that he believes her language is acts of service, and he realizes he has not been good at that. Uh, he might ask her, honey, where we are now. What could I do that would be helpful to you? What could I do that would be meaningful to you? And I can't guarantee you know that she's going to say, well, you do this, this, this, and I'll come back and we can reconcile. My guess is this has been going on for a long time in her heart and her mind. But I think apologizing to her for his failures in the past and asking her, what might I do now that would be helpful to you at this stage in our relationship? That kind of spirit, that kind of attitude, I think, is the very best thing you could do at this point.

And any of the resources that we mentioned, pretty much all the resources we mentioned are going to be located at the website. If you go to Building Relationships, Dot us and click resources, you can find that book One More Try or the Five Love Languages or the next book that we might talk about. Our next caller is a mom with a question I think a lot of parents are going to identify with.

And any of the resources that we mentioned, pretty much all the resources we mentioned are going to be located at the website. If you go to Building Relationships, Dot us and click resources, you can find that book One More Try or the Five Love Languages or the next book that we might talk about. Our next caller is a mom with a question I think a lot of parents are going to identify with.

Hi, Gary. I don't know which book I should buy my teenager. I don't know if I should just get her the regular five love languages. Or do you have one for the teens to sort of navigate through their feelings? Does that help them navigating through understanding their feelings and how to talk about it and things of that nature? So I don't know if I should get the regular five love languages or five love languages for teenagers. And you do. Do you have one for girls specifically? But thank you.

Hi, Gary. I don't know which book I should buy my teenager. I don't know if I should just get her the regular five love languages. Or do you have one for the teens to sort of navigate through their feelings? Does that help them navigating through understanding their feelings and how to talk about it and things of that nature? So I don't know if I should get the regular five love languages or five love languages for teenagers. And you do. Do you have one for girls specifically? But thank you.

I don't have one for girls specifically, but I do have one specifically for teenagers. It's entitled A Teens Guide to the Five Love Languages, and I have seen many, many parents give this book to the teenager. The parent, of course, is familiar with the love languages and how it works in a marriage relationship, but also as a parent. If you haven't read The Five Love languages of teenagers. That book is written to parents of teenagers. So if you are reading that book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers and the Teen is reading A Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages, it will open up conversation with the two of you about this topic, and I think you'll find it to be a real communication stimulator. I would suggest each of those books.

I don't have one for girls specifically, but I do have one specifically for teenagers. It's entitled A Teens Guide to the Five Love Languages, and I have seen many, many parents give this book to the teenager. The parent, of course, is familiar with the love languages and how it works in a marriage relationship, but also as a parent. If you haven't read The Five Love languages of teenagers. That book is written to parents of teenagers. So if you are reading that book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers and the Teen is reading A Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages, it will open up conversation with the two of you about this topic, and I think you'll find it to be a real communication stimulator. I would suggest each of those books.

A featured resource is a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick, practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. Just go to building relationships. Dot us and you'll find it right there. Building relationships.us. All right Gary, here is a call about a blended family.

A featured resource is a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick, practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. Just go to building relationships. Dot us and you'll find it right there. Building relationships.us. All right Gary, here is a call about a blended family.

Hey, Gary. Love your program, for one thing. Got a question for you about a blended family? Uh, blended family. Husband is a widower, and he has three kids. He remarried a woman who is divorced. She has two sons. Okay, so blended family, the kids. The ages span from four through 12. My question is, are both parents parenting blended family? How do they make all the kids feel included? All the kids feel loved without showing favoritism. How do you navigate that, including with all the emotions and the feelings that come with, you know, losing one parent through cancer and then the other parent was through divorce? How do you how would a two parents navigate that? Would love your advice with that and just thank God for what you do.

Hey, Gary. Love your program, for one thing. Got a question for you about a blended family? Uh, blended family. Husband is a widower, and he has three kids. He remarried a woman who is divorced. She has two sons. Okay, so blended family, the kids. The ages span from four through 12. My question is, are both parents parenting blended family? How do they make all the kids feel included? All the kids feel loved without showing favoritism. How do you navigate that, including with all the emotions and the feelings that come with, you know, losing one parent through cancer and then the other parent was through divorce? How do you how would a two parents navigate that? Would love your advice with that and just thank God for what you do.

Well, Chris, I'm glad to hear this call. I think there are many, many people who are asking similar questions if they're in a blended family. The love languages can be very, very helpful in a blended family, but we have to recognize just because you know their love language doesn't mean that that stepchild will necessarily be super open to your speaking their love language, at least in the beginning stages of the relationship, because they don't have a relationship with you yet. They're not emotionally bonded with you yet. We discussed this in a lot of other issues in a book that I wrote with Ron Diehl. It's entitled Building Love Together in Blended Families. I think you would find that book extremely helpful. Ron Diehl has worked with blended families for 25 years and wrote this book with him. I think you're going to find that the insights will be very, very helpful in specific answer to your question. I would say recognize, first of all, it's going to take time for the stepparent to build an emotional bond with the stepchildren, but I think it can be done and over a period of time it will be done if you learn how to speak their love language. He mentioned ages four through 12, discussing with the children that everybody has a love language, even the four year old. You can discover a child's language by the time they're four years old. Everybody has a love language. So mommy has a language. Daddy has a language, and all the children have a language. And what we want to learn as a family is how to express love to each other. Because we love each other. We just want all of you to feel loved. And so I think having an open discussion like that with the children would be the beginning place in building that emotional bond. But I do think if you work through that book, you'll find a lot of other practical ideas as well.

Well, Chris, I'm glad to hear this call. I think there are many, many people who are asking similar questions if they're in a blended family. The love languages can be very, very helpful in a blended family, but we have to recognize just because you know their love language doesn't mean that that stepchild will necessarily be super open to your speaking their love language, at least in the beginning stages of the relationship, because they don't have a relationship with you yet. They're not emotionally bonded with you yet. We discussed this in a lot of other issues in a book that I wrote with Ron Diehl. It's entitled Building Love Together in Blended Families. I think you would find that book extremely helpful. Ron Diehl has worked with blended families for 25 years and wrote this book with him. I think you're going to find that the insights will be very, very helpful in specific answer to your question. I would say recognize, first of all, it's going to take time for the stepparent to build an emotional bond with the stepchildren, but I think it can be done and over a period of time it will be done if you learn how to speak their love language. He mentioned ages four through 12, discussing with the children that everybody has a love language, even the four year old. You can discover a child's language by the time they're four years old. Everybody has a love language. So mommy has a language. Daddy has a language, and all the children have a language. And what we want to learn as a family is how to express love to each other. Because we love each other. We just want all of you to feel loved. And so I think having an open discussion like that with the children would be the beginning place in building that emotional bond. But I do think if you work through that book, you'll find a lot of other practical ideas as well.

Yes.

Yes.

And you can find that at the website. Again, building relationships Once you actually click store and you go down, you'll see building love together in blended families. Subtitled The Five Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart. Again, just go to building relationships. Dot us and you can find out more. The calls. The questions continue. I don't think we've ever had this situation in a marriage represented on the program. Here's our next call.

And you can find that at the website. Again, building relationships Once you actually click store and you go down, you'll see building love together in blended families. Subtitled The Five Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart. Again, just go to building relationships. Dot us and you can find out more. The calls. The questions continue. I don't think we've ever had this situation in a marriage represented on the program. Here's our next call.

Hi Gary, I'm calling because my husband and I have been apart for ten years because he lives in a foreign country. I understand he had addictions and he's going to 12 step programs and he's like, everything's okay with him now. But basically we've been operating financially separately since 2015, when the government detained him and eventually had to do voluntary departure. But we've been financially separated. But he's making financial decisions with his family and including adopting two children without my permission and not sending any money at all to our son, who is his flesh and blood. So I am no longer sending him money. I was before, but I stopped sending him money when he adopted the second child. And now I'm at a point where, uh, after being apart from him for ten years, I'm getting to the emotional thing of why I don't feel any emotions anymore. And I'm starting to question if I actually am in a marriage or not. It's really confusing me. So I'm sure you don't hear that a lot. But if you have anything, uh, just let me know. Thank you. Bye.

Hi Gary, I'm calling because my husband and I have been apart for ten years because he lives in a foreign country. I understand he had addictions and he's going to 12 step programs and he's like, everything's okay with him now. But basically we've been operating financially separately since 2015, when the government detained him and eventually had to do voluntary departure. But we've been financially separated. But he's making financial decisions with his family and including adopting two children without my permission and not sending any money at all to our son, who is his flesh and blood. So I am no longer sending him money. I was before, but I stopped sending him money when he adopted the second child. And now I'm at a point where, uh, after being apart from him for ten years, I'm getting to the emotional thing of why I don't feel any emotions anymore. And I'm starting to question if I actually am in a marriage or not. It's really confusing me. So I'm sure you don't hear that a lot. But if you have anything, uh, just let me know. Thank you. Bye.

Well, this is a very, very difficult situation. I think most of us who hear that caller are thinking to ourselves, how can that be ten years apart physically with the husband in another country required to be. They're not allowed to come back, at least at this juncture. So this is this is a very unique situation. And I don't know all the ins and outs, of course, of the relationship. I do find it very strange that he would adopt two children in another country while not supporting financially the child of which he is the father. Now, I don't know whether he is involved with another woman. The caller doesn't say that. Maybe the caller doesn't know that, but the fact that he would adopt children lends me to think he might be involved with someone else. So I just think you're in a very, very difficult situation. And I don't know that I have the answer to it, but apparently it's not just a matter of being geographically separated, but in many other ways you're separated, that is, he's not giving you any money to and you're not giving him any money. And you say something about him still controlling the finances. I don't know how that works. I would suggest it would be really helpful for you to sit down with a Christian counselor and share the situation fully, and work through the various aspects of this relationship, in terms of deciding what might be the best approach for you to take, because it's a very, very complicated situation. And I do think having an outsider help you think through all the various aspects of your relationship at this juncture would be very, very helpful.

Well, this is a very, very difficult situation. I think most of us who hear that caller are thinking to ourselves, how can that be ten years apart physically with the husband in another country required to be. They're not allowed to come back, at least at this juncture. So this is this is a very unique situation. And I don't know all the ins and outs, of course, of the relationship. I do find it very strange that he would adopt two children in another country while not supporting financially the child of which he is the father. Now, I don't know whether he is involved with another woman. The caller doesn't say that. Maybe the caller doesn't know that, but the fact that he would adopt children lends me to think he might be involved with someone else. So I just think you're in a very, very difficult situation. And I don't know that I have the answer to it, but apparently it's not just a matter of being geographically separated, but in many other ways you're separated, that is, he's not giving you any money to and you're not giving him any money. And you say something about him still controlling the finances. I don't know how that works. I would suggest it would be really helpful for you to sit down with a Christian counselor and share the situation fully, and work through the various aspects of this relationship, in terms of deciding what might be the best approach for you to take, because it's a very, very complicated situation. And I do think having an outsider help you think through all the various aspects of your relationship at this juncture would be very, very helpful.

And I think what you're putting your finger on, Gary, is, is what is here, what is the truth in this and is there? And there may not be a way to find that out from him. If he's hiding something, he may not be, but and he may be. And I just wonder if there's somebody, you know, on the ground in that other country that she could ask, you know, hey, can you tell me what's going on? Or, you know, that might not be possible either. She just needs more information from him in order to find out. Because I found that to be the same thing. You know, if he's adopting children, it's like, wait, what is what's really going on here? That's the question, right?

And I think what you're putting your finger on, Gary, is, is what is here, what is the truth in this and is there? And there may not be a way to find that out from him. If he's hiding something, he may not be, but and he may be. And I just wonder if there's somebody, you know, on the ground in that other country that she could ask, you know, hey, can you tell me what's going on? Or, you know, that might not be possible either. She just needs more information from him in order to find out. Because I found that to be the same thing. You know, if he's adopting children, it's like, wait, what is what's really going on here? That's the question, right?

Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And whether or not she knows anyone in the other country who could share information with her, I don't know, but it would certainly be valuable if she had a contact in that country that could help her with that.

Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And whether or not she knows anyone in the other country who could share information with her, I don't know, but it would certainly be valuable if she had a contact in that country that could help her with that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's a complex question. Obviously you can't deal with everything here on the radio, but these are some of the things that people are going through. And I'm glad you called. 866424 Gary. And you can do the same thing like this next caller did in response to a program a few months ago about intimacy and marriage. We are still getting response from that program that aired last fall. This question is from the husband's perspective.

Well, that's a complex question. Obviously you can't deal with everything here on the radio, but these are some of the things that people are going through. And I'm glad you called. 866424 Gary. And you can do the same thing like this next caller did in response to a program a few months ago about intimacy and marriage. We are still getting response from that program that aired last fall. This question is from the husband's perspective.

Hi, Gary. Um, my question is how to show my wife that I want her. And what if I struggle with desiring my wife to have sexual intercourse with her and show her that I desire her?

Hi, Gary. Um, my question is how to show my wife that I want her. And what if I struggle with desiring my wife to have sexual intercourse with her and show her that I desire her?

Well, it's unclear in my mind whether the caller has a desire to be sexually intimate with his wife or whether he doesn't. A part of me thinks he's saying, I don't have that desire. How do I explain that to her? I still love her, but I don't want to have sex with her because that was a part of the situation that we talked about in another program. So I don't know exactly where he's coming from, but I think in terms of how do you communicate to your wife that you love her, that you want to be intimate with her, that you want to have a healthy relationship Again. What I suggest, if couples are open, is read a book together. And here's what I mean by that. Read a chapter. Each of you read the same chapter, and then you ask, what can we learn from that chapter that might help us? It's working through a book, any book, any Christian book on marriage, just working through a book on marriage with an outside voice that's bringing up different topics. And each of you read the same thing and then say, what can we learn from that chapter? It's it's it's it's not a quick fix, but what it is, it begins to build communication between the two of you in which you're talking about real life. And that's where changes are made when a couple is having open communication. And to me, that's one of the easiest ways to start and build positive communication in a marriage is by sharing a book together. And I think you'll find that helpful. If she's open to that and chances are she will be.

Well, it's unclear in my mind whether the caller has a desire to be sexually intimate with his wife or whether he doesn't. A part of me thinks he's saying, I don't have that desire. How do I explain that to her? I still love her, but I don't want to have sex with her because that was a part of the situation that we talked about in another program. So I don't know exactly where he's coming from, but I think in terms of how do you communicate to your wife that you love her, that you want to be intimate with her, that you want to have a healthy relationship Again. What I suggest, if couples are open, is read a book together. And here's what I mean by that. Read a chapter. Each of you read the same chapter, and then you ask, what can we learn from that chapter that might help us? It's working through a book, any book, any Christian book on marriage, just working through a book on marriage with an outside voice that's bringing up different topics. And each of you read the same thing and then say, what can we learn from that chapter? It's it's it's it's not a quick fix, but what it is, it begins to build communication between the two of you in which you're talking about real life. And that's where changes are made when a couple is having open communication. And to me, that's one of the easiest ways to start and build positive communication in a marriage is by sharing a book together. And I think you'll find that helpful. If she's open to that and chances are she will be.

What I picked up from his call was this. I used to have a desire, and it's kind of waned. And I don't have the same desire anymore. And I want to. But I don't know how to make this happen. You know, make this everything come together. So the tension was more inside of him than really even with his wife. Does that make sense?

What I picked up from his call was this. I used to have a desire, and it's kind of waned. And I don't have the same desire anymore. And I want to. But I don't know how to make this happen. You know, make this everything come together. So the tension was more inside of him than really even with his wife. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does. And that's why I think I wouldn't start with that topic, you know, to hitting her over the head with that idea. I would start with saying, you know, honey, I've been thinking about us and I really want us to have a growing marriage, and I don't know how you feel about where we are. If we had to rate us on a scale of 0 to 10, how you would rate us. But I just want us to have a growing marriage. So would you be willing to work through a book with me? And let's just read the chapter and you read it. I read it, and then we say, what? What can we learn from this chapter that would be helpful to us? I think starting in that with that more generalized approach, rather than bringing up this particular topic with her, because I don't know how she's feeling. But eventually, if it's a Christian book on marriage, there will be a chapter on sexuality. Okay. And you'll get to that. But you need to have some conversation about the rest of marriage, because that also greatly impacts the sexual aspect of marriage.

Yeah, it does. And that's why I think I wouldn't start with that topic, you know, to hitting her over the head with that idea. I would start with saying, you know, honey, I've been thinking about us and I really want us to have a growing marriage, and I don't know how you feel about where we are. If we had to rate us on a scale of 0 to 10, how you would rate us. But I just want us to have a growing marriage. So would you be willing to work through a book with me? And let's just read the chapter and you read it. I read it, and then we say, what? What can we learn from this chapter that would be helpful to us? I think starting in that with that more generalized approach, rather than bringing up this particular topic with her, because I don't know how she's feeling. But eventually, if it's a Christian book on marriage, there will be a chapter on sexuality. Okay. And you'll get to that. But you need to have some conversation about the rest of marriage, because that also greatly impacts the sexual aspect of marriage.

Well, thank you for that question. Again. If you want to respond to that caller or ask a question yourself. 866424. Gary, here's another question. This one is written. Gary I listen to Moody Radio. I read today in The Word, which is a devotional from Moody. I am 25 months into my grief journey, and I would like to know if you can suggest any books targeted for widowers. My wife and I were married in January of 2017. By October of 2018, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in November of 2022. She was heaven bound. I miss her touch, her singing and laughter, but most of all holding hands with our heads bowed in prayer. And I miss her reading our nightly devotional. Praying alone and reading my Bible just before bed doesn't replace her, but it does help. I was a full time caregiver for her, and I still volunteer at the cancer center where my wife had all her treatments. I wear ugly shirts and hats and try to make the person with cancer smile. This is a small way for me to say thank you. Any help you could give would be appreciated. So what would you say to this man? And I think it's interesting. He says, I'm 25 months into my grief journey. He's counting it down to the month there.

Well, thank you for that question. Again. If you want to respond to that caller or ask a question yourself. 866424. Gary, here's another question. This one is written. Gary I listen to Moody Radio. I read today in The Word, which is a devotional from Moody. I am 25 months into my grief journey, and I would like to know if you can suggest any books targeted for widowers. My wife and I were married in January of 2017. By October of 2018, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in November of 2022. She was heaven bound. I miss her touch, her singing and laughter, but most of all holding hands with our heads bowed in prayer. And I miss her reading our nightly devotional. Praying alone and reading my Bible just before bed doesn't replace her, but it does help. I was a full time caregiver for her, and I still volunteer at the cancer center where my wife had all her treatments. I wear ugly shirts and hats and try to make the person with cancer smile. This is a small way for me to say thank you. Any help you could give would be appreciated. So what would you say to this man? And I think it's interesting. He says, I'm 25 months into my grief journey. He's counting it down to the month there.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you have to be empathetic with this caller. The fact that they were only married for, you know, a short time, as it were. And then early on, after the Wedding. She came down with the cancer, so you have to be empathetic with him. What I would say is this grief is a journey. There's no magic wand waved that you do this, and then the grief is over. No. We will always be aware of the loss when we lose a spouse. I do think the fact that he is reaching out to minister to those cancer patients, which he mentioned. I think that's a positive thing because he's making a contribution in their lives by trying to, you know, have some humor with them and, and just expressing interest in them as an individual. So I think that's good. I don't know if the caller is familiar with grief share, but it's a national Christian program all over the country. And there are churches almost in every city who has grief share groups. It's about a 12 week program can be very, very helpful. In fact, I'd suggest our caller may be Google Griefshare. There's those two words Griefshare and you'll discover their website and all the materials that they have available. And you'll also be able to locate a griefshare group that's in your area geographically, because there's value in processing grief with other people who are going through grief. And that program has been very, very helpful to literally thousands and thousands of people who are grieving. And it's a very strongly Christian program. So that would be my suggestion. And I think there you'll find a lot of other help in terms of books and articles and that sort of thing that will be helpful to you in the process. But the process is a process, and it will take time to get back on, as it were, level ground emotionally after you've lost a spouse. But as I said earlier, it doesn't mean you'll ever get over it. We will always miss a person that we loved and we vested our lives with.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you have to be empathetic with this caller. The fact that they were only married for, you know, a short time, as it were. And then early on, after the Wedding. She came down with the cancer, so you have to be empathetic with him. What I would say is this grief is a journey. There's no magic wand waved that you do this, and then the grief is over. No. We will always be aware of the loss when we lose a spouse. I do think the fact that he is reaching out to minister to those cancer patients, which he mentioned. I think that's a positive thing because he's making a contribution in their lives by trying to, you know, have some humor with them and, and just expressing interest in them as an individual. So I think that's good. I don't know if the caller is familiar with grief share, but it's a national Christian program all over the country. And there are churches almost in every city who has grief share groups. It's about a 12 week program can be very, very helpful. In fact, I'd suggest our caller may be Google Griefshare. There's those two words Griefshare and you'll discover their website and all the materials that they have available. And you'll also be able to locate a griefshare group that's in your area geographically, because there's value in processing grief with other people who are going through grief. And that program has been very, very helpful to literally thousands and thousands of people who are grieving. And it's a very strongly Christian program. So that would be my suggestion. And I think there you'll find a lot of other help in terms of books and articles and that sort of thing that will be helpful to you in the process. But the process is a process, and it will take time to get back on, as it were, level ground emotionally after you've lost a spouse. But as I said earlier, it doesn't mean you'll ever get over it. We will always miss a person that we loved and we vested our lives with.

I looked at different books and actually wrote him back and H. Norm Wright is one of my favorite authors on on grief of years gone by. But as I was looking at it, I saw that most of the material is written more for women than for men. And I wanted to ask you, is there do you think there's a difference between women and men as far as that grief process goes?

I looked at different books and actually wrote him back and H. Norm Wright is one of my favorite authors on on grief of years gone by. But as I was looking at it, I saw that most of the material is written more for women than for men. And I wanted to ask you, is there do you think there's a difference between women and men as far as that grief process goes?

I think it's more individually than it is male or female. But you're right that more books are written by widows to widows than are written by widowers to widowers. So you're exactly right. And that's why I suggest the grief share, because they're dealing with men and women who are processing grief.

I think it's more individually than it is male or female. But you're right that more books are written by widows to widows than are written by widowers to widowers. So you're exactly right. And that's why I suggest the grief share, because they're dealing with men and women who are processing grief.

You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. If you go to our website Building Relationships Us, you'll see the latest release from Doctor Gary Chapman and his co-author, John Hinckley. It's the book A simple guide for Making marriage better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive. Just go to building relationships. Dot us. Plus, while you're there, find out when Gary might be coming to your area for a seminar. Click the events tab at Building Relationships. Dot us.

You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. If you go to our website Building Relationships Us, you'll see the latest release from Doctor Gary Chapman and his co-author, John Hinckley. It's the book A simple guide for Making marriage better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive. Just go to building relationships. Dot us. Plus, while you're there, find out when Gary might be coming to your area for a seminar. Click the events tab at Building Relationships. Dot us.

And don't forget you can ask Gary a question at 1866424. Gary, call that number. Leave your message and you may hear an answer in a future. Dear Gary broadcast 1-866-424-4279. I want you to hear a call that I received, Gary. And this voicemail was actually for a different program, Chris Fabry Live. But I thought this really fits in with building relationships. We had a guest named Jerry Edgar, who was paralyzed in a high school football accident in the 1980s, and he told his story of the years that his wife cared for him, as well as some of his friends who came along every day to his home. At like 5:00 in the morning, they came and got him ready for for work that day. He teaches at a school and still does. So the listener heard Jerry's story, and then she said this.

And don't forget you can ask Gary a question at 1866424. Gary, call that number. Leave your message and you may hear an answer in a future. Dear Gary broadcast 1-866-424-4279. I want you to hear a call that I received, Gary. And this voicemail was actually for a different program, Chris Fabry Live. But I thought this really fits in with building relationships. We had a guest named Jerry Edgar, who was paralyzed in a high school football accident in the 1980s, and he told his story of the years that his wife cared for him, as well as some of his friends who came along every day to his home. At like 5:00 in the morning, they came and got him ready for for work that day. He teaches at a school and still does. So the listener heard Jerry's story, and then she said this.

Um, I'm listening to Moody Radio right now with Jerry and how inspiring. I was married to my high school sweetheart who had a diving accident and broke his neck and actually cared for him for 37 years, just lost him a few years ago. But I understand where he's coming from, where you can find the blessing in the tragedy. God has been faithful. Adopted. Two kids have four grandkids. Our life was filled with God's blessings from top to bottom. He was an amazing man who sought the Lord, and he had the same mindset of if that accident hadn't happened to him, would he be as close to the Lord as he was? And the Lord was faithful in strengthening me to the very end. And for those who are suffering or have that same, um, tragedy. The Lord works through it, and he makes a blessing out of it. He's turned everything upside down. And I am very grateful for your program, for listening. So have a great day. God bless.

Um, I'm listening to Moody Radio right now with Jerry and how inspiring. I was married to my high school sweetheart who had a diving accident and broke his neck and actually cared for him for 37 years, just lost him a few years ago. But I understand where he's coming from, where you can find the blessing in the tragedy. God has been faithful. Adopted. Two kids have four grandkids. Our life was filled with God's blessings from top to bottom. He was an amazing man who sought the Lord, and he had the same mindset of if that accident hadn't happened to him, would he be as close to the Lord as he was? And the Lord was faithful in strengthening me to the very end. And for those who are suffering or have that same, um, tragedy. The Lord works through it, and he makes a blessing out of it. He's turned everything upside down. And I am very grateful for your program, for listening. So have a great day. God bless.

Well, Chris, I'm glad this lady called in response to what she heard on your program. Uh, I think anyone out there who is caring for a spouse, whether it's a wife caring for a husband or a husband, caring for a wife who has disabilities of various kinds would be encouraged by what this lady just said. 37 years. She cared for her husband. They adopted two children in the process of all of that. So along with caring for him, there were the two children to raise as well. And you hear the joy in her heart. You hear the satisfaction in how she invested so much of her life, you know, in caring for him and how his walk with God was encouraging to her. So, you know, I think we always question in our minds, at least initially, when things like this happen, of why did this happen? And why are there people who have to live the bulk of their life, you know, with a disability that came rather quickly and sometimes early in their life? And we don't always have answers to all of that, but we are where we are, and God is with us wherever we are in our journey, whether we're the one who is suffering from the disability. Or whether we're the one who's caring for the person who is disabled. Uh, we are walking life together, and this happens to be our journey and relationship with God, of course, is central in walking through a journey like that. Because God is with us, whether we're healthy or whether we're not healthy. And God has plans for us with whatever limitations we have. I remember a dear friend of mine who was bedridden for many, many years. He had been a pastor earlier in his life, and he was at the place where he could hardly move any part of his body. But he had a prayer ministry and he prayed. That was his ministry. And I would share with him my own needs and ask prayer, and other people would share with him. So whatever our limitations, there's always a way that God wants to use our lives. And whether we're caring for that person or whether we're being cared for. The relationship with God makes all of life meaningful.

Well, Chris, I'm glad this lady called in response to what she heard on your program. Uh, I think anyone out there who is caring for a spouse, whether it's a wife caring for a husband or a husband, caring for a wife who has disabilities of various kinds would be encouraged by what this lady just said. 37 years. She cared for her husband. They adopted two children in the process of all of that. So along with caring for him, there were the two children to raise as well. And you hear the joy in her heart. You hear the satisfaction in how she invested so much of her life, you know, in caring for him and how his walk with God was encouraging to her. So, you know, I think we always question in our minds, at least initially, when things like this happen, of why did this happen? And why are there people who have to live the bulk of their life, you know, with a disability that came rather quickly and sometimes early in their life? And we don't always have answers to all of that, but we are where we are, and God is with us wherever we are in our journey, whether we're the one who is suffering from the disability. Or whether we're the one who's caring for the person who is disabled. Uh, we are walking life together, and this happens to be our journey and relationship with God, of course, is central in walking through a journey like that. Because God is with us, whether we're healthy or whether we're not healthy. And God has plans for us with whatever limitations we have. I remember a dear friend of mine who was bedridden for many, many years. He had been a pastor earlier in his life, and he was at the place where he could hardly move any part of his body. But he had a prayer ministry and he prayed. That was his ministry. And I would share with him my own needs and ask prayer, and other people would share with him. So whatever our limitations, there's always a way that God wants to use our lives. And whether we're caring for that person or whether we're being cared for. The relationship with God makes all of life meaningful.

That word that you just used is the same one that I thought of. Joy. There was joy coming from her and she didn't go back and lament, you know how hard it was. I'm sure it was. Or why did this happen? She just was so joyful at being able to serve him. The other thing is, she didn't call in order to be on the radio. You know, she just called to leave that message. But I wanted to play that here. Mainly Gary, for somebody who is in silence, who's working, who's doing that hard job of caregiving, and nobody sees, nobody knows what's going on. Nobody knows the the sleepless nights that you've had and the worries and the struggles that you're going through. And just hearing her voice, I think, is an encouragement to anybody who's going through that.

That word that you just used is the same one that I thought of. Joy. There was joy coming from her and she didn't go back and lament, you know how hard it was. I'm sure it was. Or why did this happen? She just was so joyful at being able to serve him. The other thing is, she didn't call in order to be on the radio. You know, she just called to leave that message. But I wanted to play that here. Mainly Gary, for somebody who is in silence, who's working, who's doing that hard job of caregiving, and nobody sees, nobody knows what's going on. Nobody knows the the sleepless nights that you've had and the worries and the struggles that you're going through. And just hearing her voice, I think, is an encouragement to anybody who's going through that.

Yeah, I fully agree with that Chris. It was that. Really appreciate her calling and sharing that.

Yeah, I fully agree with that Chris. It was that. Really appreciate her calling and sharing that.

Well, before we hear our next caller, let me give you the number again. I'd love to hear from you. 866424. Gary. But I want to let you know that the question that you ask or the struggle that you may explain here in a phone call, might be the very thing that somebody else needs to hear to let them know they're not alone. Like our last caller was serving her husband for all those years. So don't hold back and think that your call is not important or it's too specific. This is a grandmother who's in a really difficult situation.

Well, before we hear our next caller, let me give you the number again. I'd love to hear from you. 866424. Gary. But I want to let you know that the question that you ask or the struggle that you may explain here in a phone call, might be the very thing that somebody else needs to hear to let them know they're not alone. Like our last caller was serving her husband for all those years. So don't hold back and think that your call is not important or it's too specific. This is a grandmother who's in a really difficult situation.

Um, my phone's gone. Trying to save my family from some really dark things. And I'm hanging on. And God has given me so much strength. But if people just could pray quietly, silently, in their own way at times, save my grandson from really ugly situation. We just need prayers. My mama always said, if you save the life of a child, you save the world. I haven't lost my faith. I know there's darkness everywhere. People are so different. But that little boy never knew how to pray. Till grandma came and he learned to pray. He finally felt happy. And then his ugly. Ugly. Took him away. I'm still in the home. It's a dangerous situation, but it's under surveillance, so to speak. And I'm not leaving. I'm having a hard time getting help for my son, and, uh, my grandson is my heart. So pray for us. This little boy. We need to protect him in so many ways. And I don't fear because I will stand with God on my back. But I'm tired, and it's a lot of work. And if we could just not have those hiccups. Just a little bit of extra good luck. Kind of, you know, a little good luck. I could really, really use it. Thank you.

Um, my phone's gone. Trying to save my family from some really dark things. And I'm hanging on. And God has given me so much strength. But if people just could pray quietly, silently, in their own way at times, save my grandson from really ugly situation. We just need prayers. My mama always said, if you save the life of a child, you save the world. I haven't lost my faith. I know there's darkness everywhere. People are so different. But that little boy never knew how to pray. Till grandma came and he learned to pray. He finally felt happy. And then his ugly. Ugly. Took him away. I'm still in the home. It's a dangerous situation, but it's under surveillance, so to speak. And I'm not leaving. I'm having a hard time getting help for my son, and, uh, my grandson is my heart. So pray for us. This little boy. We need to protect him in so many ways. And I don't fear because I will stand with God on my back. But I'm tired, and it's a lot of work. And if we could just not have those hiccups. Just a little bit of extra good luck. Kind of, you know, a little good luck. I could really, really use it. Thank you.

You know, Chris, as I hear this grandmother sharing her love for her grandson and staying in a very difficult situation for his benefit. I'm thinking of scores and scores of grandparents across this country who are caring for grandsons and granddaughters because of situations where their the biological father or mother maybe are incarcerated, or sometimes, of course, they've deceased or they're addicted to drugs and that sort of thing. And grandmothers are playing a tremendously positive role in the lives of those grandchildren. So I really appreciate this lady calling. You can feel the pain, the hurt, the difficulty, and yet she's so willing to do it because she recognizes that she is the one who's having the positive influence on that grandson. And as she mentioned, you know, if you help a grandson, you help a son, ultimately you're going to help the world. And she mentioned that he had never prayed. I think she said that she and he had never learned to pray until she, you know, began to pray with him. So the power of a grandparent, whether it's a grandmother or grandfather who's spending time with the grandchild, is time well invested. And I think everyone who heard this call would want to pray for this grandmother. So can we just take a moment and pray? Father, thank you for this caller and for scores of others across this country who are caring for their grandchildren. Will you give them wisdom? Will you give them guidance? Will you continue to give them a vision of how important their role is in the life of that grandchild? And I pray for all those His grandchildren who are being raised basically by grandparents. Father, by your spirit. Will you draw them to yourself? And in spite of the fact that for whatever reason, they haven't had a lot of parental help, may they recognize the value of their grandparents, and may they come to know you in a personal way and go on to invest their lives in a meaningful way. In the name of Christ, we pray. Amen.

You know, Chris, as I hear this grandmother sharing her love for her grandson and staying in a very difficult situation for his benefit. I'm thinking of scores and scores of grandparents across this country who are caring for grandsons and granddaughters because of situations where their the biological father or mother maybe are incarcerated, or sometimes, of course, they've deceased or they're addicted to drugs and that sort of thing. And grandmothers are playing a tremendously positive role in the lives of those grandchildren. So I really appreciate this lady calling. You can feel the pain, the hurt, the difficulty, and yet she's so willing to do it because she recognizes that she is the one who's having the positive influence on that grandson. And as she mentioned, you know, if you help a grandson, you help a son, ultimately you're going to help the world. And she mentioned that he had never prayed. I think she said that she and he had never learned to pray until she, you know, began to pray with him. So the power of a grandparent, whether it's a grandmother or grandfather who's spending time with the grandchild, is time well invested. And I think everyone who heard this call would want to pray for this grandmother. So can we just take a moment and pray? Father, thank you for this caller and for scores of others across this country who are caring for their grandchildren. Will you give them wisdom? Will you give them guidance? Will you continue to give them a vision of how important their role is in the life of that grandchild? And I pray for all those His grandchildren who are being raised basically by grandparents. Father, by your spirit. Will you draw them to yourself? And in spite of the fact that for whatever reason, they haven't had a lot of parental help, may they recognize the value of their grandparents, and may they come to know you in a personal way and go on to invest their lives in a meaningful way. In the name of Christ, we pray. Amen.

Gary, I want to read another question that was written to you. He writes, I'm an avid believer in your love languages book. The first time I read it, I understood it immediately. I'm 54 and I've been married for 28 years. I love my wife with all my heart, but she just dropped a bomb on me earlier this year. Initially, she stated she was going through a mid-life crisis and didn't love me anymore. It makes me think of chapter 12. In your book, she goes from positive to negative almost instantly. She has said she needs to fix herself, but we will get through this. Most recently, she said that doesn't mean getting through it together. She has said she needs space, time and patience. Then she said she doesn't know if she wants to save the marriage. She has good moments to volatile moments. I am trying every day. She's even acknowledged I'm trying and sees the effort I'm putting in to saving the marriage. She's admitted she isn't really putting in any effort. I'm at a loss. She says. She's not ready for couples counseling. She's agreed to counseling, but wants to wait until she's ready. I see a counselor and she sits in actively on my sessions. She has stated she has one chance left, but doesn't know if she wants to give it to me. There has never been abuse in our relationship. I don't know what to do or where to go. Thanks for any consideration.

Gary, I want to read another question that was written to you. He writes, I'm an avid believer in your love languages book. The first time I read it, I understood it immediately. I'm 54 and I've been married for 28 years. I love my wife with all my heart, but she just dropped a bomb on me earlier this year. Initially, she stated she was going through a mid-life crisis and didn't love me anymore. It makes me think of chapter 12. In your book, she goes from positive to negative almost instantly. She has said she needs to fix herself, but we will get through this. Most recently, she said that doesn't mean getting through it together. She has said she needs space, time and patience. Then she said she doesn't know if she wants to save the marriage. She has good moments to volatile moments. I am trying every day. She's even acknowledged I'm trying and sees the effort I'm putting in to saving the marriage. She's admitted she isn't really putting in any effort. I'm at a loss. She says. She's not ready for couples counseling. She's agreed to counseling, but wants to wait until she's ready. I see a counselor and she sits in actively on my sessions. She has stated she has one chance left, but doesn't know if she wants to give it to me. There has never been abuse in our relationship. I don't know what to do or where to go. Thanks for any consideration.

Well, I'm glad, Chris, that he is getting counseling because obviously he's in a very, very frustrating situation. And I think the fact that he has taken the initiative to reach out and see a counselor himself that is positive. The fact that she sits in on those sessions is somewhat unusual, but I think a very positive thing that she is willing to hear him processing his life and his ideas and his struggles and all with with the counselor. I think that's a plus. I would hope that she would be willing to go for counseling. He indicates that she says she is open to that, but it has to be on her time schedule and she's not ready for that right now. Well, we can't force somebody to go to counseling to be sure. I think the fact that he is trying, that's a plus, and she's recognizing that he is trying. She's not quite sure whether she wants to give him an opportunity to work on the marriage with him. She's really struggling in that whole area and that's why, again, she desperately needs counseling. If I could talk with her individually, I would encourage her to get counseling. I think another thing I would suggest to her is the book I mentioned earlier in our program, and that is one more try. What to do when your marriage is falling apart? Because in her idea, obviously the marriage is in trouble and sometimes people in that situation feel like their only option is just to get out of the marriage and maybe start over with somebody else and it'll be better. Well, we know that's not the answer. I mean, the divorce rate in second marriages is higher than first marriages. We're going to marry. If you do that, you're going to marry a human. And they have a history and they have problems. And so that's never the answer. The answer always is to look to God to give us wisdom on what do we do now? We're in trouble. We're in deep trouble. But we need help and we want your help. So I would encourage her to reach out to God. I don't know if she's a Christian or not, but even non-Christians can begin a relationship with God that can transform their lives. So I would just encourage him not to give up himself if she were open to reading the book. One more try. I would certainly think that God could use that to help her see the possibility that real changes can be made. And I think the fact that he has an open heart to this is a plus. So I would just say to him, don't give up. Continue your efforts to reach out, to express love to her that you care for her, that you want to help her walk through what she's struggling with, and that you want to be the husband that she longs for, and that you believe you can be that with the help of God.

Well, I'm glad, Chris, that he is getting counseling because obviously he's in a very, very frustrating situation. And I think the fact that he has taken the initiative to reach out and see a counselor himself that is positive. The fact that she sits in on those sessions is somewhat unusual, but I think a very positive thing that she is willing to hear him processing his life and his ideas and his struggles and all with with the counselor. I think that's a plus. I would hope that she would be willing to go for counseling. He indicates that she says she is open to that, but it has to be on her time schedule and she's not ready for that right now. Well, we can't force somebody to go to counseling to be sure. I think the fact that he is trying, that's a plus, and she's recognizing that he is trying. She's not quite sure whether she wants to give him an opportunity to work on the marriage with him. She's really struggling in that whole area and that's why, again, she desperately needs counseling. If I could talk with her individually, I would encourage her to get counseling. I think another thing I would suggest to her is the book I mentioned earlier in our program, and that is one more try. What to do when your marriage is falling apart? Because in her idea, obviously the marriage is in trouble and sometimes people in that situation feel like their only option is just to get out of the marriage and maybe start over with somebody else and it'll be better. Well, we know that's not the answer. I mean, the divorce rate in second marriages is higher than first marriages. We're going to marry. If you do that, you're going to marry a human. And they have a history and they have problems. And so that's never the answer. The answer always is to look to God to give us wisdom on what do we do now? We're in trouble. We're in deep trouble. But we need help and we want your help. So I would encourage her to reach out to God. I don't know if she's a Christian or not, but even non-Christians can begin a relationship with God that can transform their lives. So I would just encourage him not to give up himself if she were open to reading the book. One more try. I would certainly think that God could use that to help her see the possibility that real changes can be made. And I think the fact that he has an open heart to this is a plus. So I would just say to him, don't give up. Continue your efforts to reach out, to express love to her that you care for her, that you want to help her walk through what she's struggling with, and that you want to be the husband that she longs for, and that you believe you can be that with the help of God.

Let me follow up. At the risk of being misunderstood here. Gary and you correct me if I'm wrong for even asking the question, but I pick up a little bit in the the question. This idea that he's I'm trying really hard and if I just try a little bit harder, you know, I'm going to I'm going to turn this thing around by myself or my love for her. If I just pour out love, love, love, then she's going to respond to this. And so my question is, is there anything that he can do that is a that is a mistake in the relationship of being I don't want to. The word needy is is the word that comes to mind. And that's not the right word. But kind of you have to you can't go. You've got to stay. You've got to be in this. If if he presents that rather than rather than strength to her saying, look, I love you no matter what you decide here. And I am here for you. And when he shows her that kind of strength, is there something from that that that she really might need?

Let me follow up. At the risk of being misunderstood here. Gary and you correct me if I'm wrong for even asking the question, but I pick up a little bit in the the question. This idea that he's I'm trying really hard and if I just try a little bit harder, you know, I'm going to I'm going to turn this thing around by myself or my love for her. If I just pour out love, love, love, then she's going to respond to this. And so my question is, is there anything that he can do that is a that is a mistake in the relationship of being I don't want to. The word needy is is the word that comes to mind. And that's not the right word. But kind of you have to you can't go. You've got to stay. You've got to be in this. If if he presents that rather than rather than strength to her saying, look, I love you no matter what you decide here. And I am here for you. And when he shows her that kind of strength, is there something from that that that she really might need?

Well, I think so. I think, you know, this concept of him, like, as it were, begging her. Yes. You know, we don't get very far with that, that approach because it shows weakness. You know, I'm desperately in need of you. I desperately have to have you. Uh, that doesn't do much for the other person. It appears to me that she has felt neglected through the years, and that she has not felt loved by him. And now his efforts to reach out and try to show her that he loves her. And, you know, she she's just not sure that it's going to make any difference in the long run. That's why I think him simply apologizing for failures in the past and letting her know I'm with you. I want to do everything I can to help you process this, whether it's with me or without me. I want you to be a healthy person. And that's why I would encourage you to get counseling. Because I believe that God wants you to have a meaningful life. If I can be a part of that, that's what I certainly would like. But I want you to get the help you need to be the person you believe God wants you to be. I think that approach is much more positive.

Well, I think so. I think, you know, this concept of him, like, as it were, begging her. Yes. You know, we don't get very far with that, that approach because it shows weakness. You know, I'm desperately in need of you. I desperately have to have you. Uh, that doesn't do much for the other person. It appears to me that she has felt neglected through the years, and that she has not felt loved by him. And now his efforts to reach out and try to show her that he loves her. And, you know, she she's just not sure that it's going to make any difference in the long run. That's why I think him simply apologizing for failures in the past and letting her know I'm with you. I want to do everything I can to help you process this, whether it's with me or without me. I want you to be a healthy person. And that's why I would encourage you to get counseling. Because I believe that God wants you to have a meaningful life. If I can be a part of that, that's what I certainly would like. But I want you to get the help you need to be the person you believe God wants you to be. I think that approach is much more positive.

Yes.

Yes.

And and him going for counseling, that is a very a lot of people say, well, that's a weak thing to do. I say, no, that is one of the strongest courageous things you can do to work on yourself. And I found it interesting as well. As you pointed out, it's a little different to see that she's sitting in, you know, on that whole thing. Um, but but that he's getting the counseling, I think is a really strong thing for him to do, don't you?

And and him going for counseling, that is a very a lot of people say, well, that's a weak thing to do. I say, no, that is one of the strongest courageous things you can do to work on yourself. And I found it interesting as well. As you pointed out, it's a little different to see that she's sitting in, you know, on that whole thing. Um, but but that he's getting the counseling, I think is a really strong thing for him to do, don't you?

Absolutely, Chris, because it says, I'm serious about this. I recognize I'm not perfect. I want to grow. I want to find out what I can do to be a different person.

Absolutely, Chris, because it says, I'm serious about this. I recognize I'm not perfect. I want to grow. I want to find out what I can do to be a different person.

All right, Gary, we have time for one question from start marriage. Right. And this is in written form. Again, it's a deep question, but it's short and sweet. How do you deal with bitterness toward a family member? What do you say?

All right, Gary, we have time for one question from start marriage. Right. And this is in written form. Again, it's a deep question, but it's short and sweet. How do you deal with bitterness toward a family member? What do you say?

Well, bitterness is a feeling. It begins with a feeling, but it also becomes an attitude if you don't deal with it. Bitterness tends to grow out of hurt. We feel like we've been wronged, and therefore we have a sense of anger. We have a sense of bitterness toward the other person. I think we take it to God. We say, Lord, you know what I've gone through? You know how I've been treated. You know the anger that I feel, you know the bitterness that I feel toward them. But I recognize I'm not the person to demand justice. I want to turn them over to you. This is precisely what Jesus did. Peter said about Jesus when they reviled against him, he didn't revile back. He committed himself to the father who knows well, so you commit the person to God. Certainly conversations with them can be helpful, but if the conversations lead into arguments or you're condemning them for how awful they are, that's not going anywhere positive. So acknowledge your bitterness to God. Acknowledge your anger to God, their normal feelings. But Lord, I don't want to be controlled by these emotions. I want to commit them to you. If there's anything else I can do that would turn things around, I'm open if you'll bring it to my mind. But I want to commit them to you. I know you love them, but I know you're also a just God. And so I'm turning them over to you. I'm releasing my anger and my bitterness to you. I want to live my life in a positive way. Doing something good and not allow their behavior to control my behavior.

Well, bitterness is a feeling. It begins with a feeling, but it also becomes an attitude if you don't deal with it. Bitterness tends to grow out of hurt. We feel like we've been wronged, and therefore we have a sense of anger. We have a sense of bitterness toward the other person. I think we take it to God. We say, Lord, you know what I've gone through? You know how I've been treated. You know the anger that I feel, you know the bitterness that I feel toward them. But I recognize I'm not the person to demand justice. I want to turn them over to you. This is precisely what Jesus did. Peter said about Jesus when they reviled against him, he didn't revile back. He committed himself to the father who knows well, so you commit the person to God. Certainly conversations with them can be helpful, but if the conversations lead into arguments or you're condemning them for how awful they are, that's not going anywhere positive. So acknowledge your bitterness to God. Acknowledge your anger to God, their normal feelings. But Lord, I don't want to be controlled by these emotions. I want to commit them to you. If there's anything else I can do that would turn things around, I'm open if you'll bring it to my mind. But I want to commit them to you. I know you love them, but I know you're also a just God. And so I'm turning them over to you. I'm releasing my anger and my bitterness to you. I want to live my life in a positive way. Doing something good and not allow their behavior to control my behavior.

So forgiveness is the kissing cousin to the answer to this, because you've talked about letting people go, you know, releasing them in a sense, it sounds like that's the same kind of process that you go through with your own bitterness.

So forgiveness is the kissing cousin to the answer to this, because you've talked about letting people go, you know, releasing them in a sense, it sounds like that's the same kind of process that you go through with your own bitterness.

I think it is. I think you release your bitterness. You release your anger to God. You're being open and honest with God. He already knows. But you're saying, I don't want to be controlled by these emotions. So I want to release this to you, knowing that you have the ability to bring justice. If they don't apologize and repent, or to give forgiveness if they do repent. And I can forgive them if they ever repent.

I think it is. I think you release your bitterness. You release your anger to God. You're being open and honest with God. He already knows. But you're saying, I don't want to be controlled by these emotions. So I want to release this to you, knowing that you have the ability to bring justice. If they don't apologize and repent, or to give forgiveness if they do repent. And I can forgive them if they ever repent.

Well, before we conclude, here's how you can leave a question for Doctor Chapman. Just call us at 1866424. Gary, a question, a comment. We'd love to hear from you. 1-866-424-4279. And you can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships online at. Building relationships.us. Our featured resource is titled A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, Practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. Just go to building Relationships us.

Well, before we conclude, here's how you can leave a question for Doctor Chapman. Just call us at 1866424. Gary, a question, a comment. We'd love to hear from you. 1-866-424-4279. And you can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships online at. Building relationships.us. Our featured resource is titled A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, Practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. Just go to building Relationships us.

And next week how to restore joy when you feel burdened, broken, or burned out.

And next week how to restore joy when you feel burdened, broken, or burned out.

Don't miss a conversation with author and speaker Ashrita ChuChu in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.

Don't miss a conversation with author and speaker Ashrita ChuChu in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.