Building RelationshipsWhat is the antidote to our epidemic of loneliness? On this Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author and speaker Becky Harling talks about the disconnection with family and friends many are experiencing. What steps can you take to cultivate deeper connections in our lonely world? If you're single and lonely, if you're married and lonely—don't miss Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.
Featured resource: CULTIVATING DEEPER CONNECTIONS IN A LONELY WORLD
The feeling is an ache deep inside.
For the mom with young children who craves adult conversation.
It's the cry of the single woman who longs for a spouse.
It's a desire of a married woman looking for deeper intimacy.
It's the sting in the heart of the woman who feels uninvited.
It's the misery of the one who's been divorced.
Or the agony of the widow whose husband is gone.
It is loneliness.
I believe that loneliness is not the absence of people, but it's feeling disconnected. And so when we're not feeling connected, when we're not feeling bonded, we feel lonely.
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Well, are you dealing with loneliness? From all reports, it's an epidemic levels in today's society. So what's the answer? How do we cultivate deeper connections in a lonely world? That's the question author and speaker Becky Harling will help us tackle today. She believes that your loneliness, that emotional distance you feel can be transformed into close, enduring relationships.
And we'll find out how straight ahead. If you go to building relationships.us, you're going to see our featured resource today, Becky's book Cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World. Just go to Building Relationships. Dot us. Doctor Chapman, how has loneliness affected you or the people around you?
You know, Chris, I've never really had a problem with loneliness. I do remember when I spent a month in California, speaking at a college, teaching at a college out there. A January course and away from my family for a month. And I said to a young single adult there something to the effect that I was feeling lonesome. And he said, lonesome. He said, yeah, that's different from being lonely. He said, you know, okay, you've been out here a month. He said, but you're going home with your family. He said lonely is when you don't have anybody to go home to. And I, I, I thought, oh, man, you know, this kid's on to something there. So yeah, it's a major problem with the people that I deal with. I mean, there's lots and lots of people who experience loneliness and just are not connected, you know, to people and feel like nobody really cares about me. You know.
It sounds like what he said was there is a sense of hopelessness when you get into a loneliness situation because you had hope that this is going to end, you know, this is going to season. But for him it's like it's it's ongoing. So I think this is going to touch a nerve in just about if it doesn't touch a nerve in your life, there's somebody you know who needs to hear what Becky Harling is going to say today. She's a speaker, a Bible teacher, a host of the Connected Mom podcast. She holds a degree in biblical literature. She's written a number of books, including Our Father. We talked about the Lord's Prayer here, The Extraordinary Power of Praise, and the featured resource today Cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World. You can find out more at Building relationships.us.
Well, Becky, welcome to Building Relationships.
Hey, it's great to be back with you.
We are really glad to have you and especially to talk about this topic. You know, in the opening of your book, you talk about a season when you were surrounded with people but still felt lonely. I'm sure some people can identify with that. How about talking about that a moment?
Yeah. So my husband and I are both in ministry, and we were traveling. It was just kind of a wild season for us. We on that particular trip, I think we had been in five different countries. We had met tons of people. We had been teaching, speaking. We got back home and I remember thinking, I am so lonely. And my husband looked at me like, how in the world we've been with massive amounts of people. But what I was missing, I wasn't feeling connected. I mean, Steve and I had ministered really well together, but there wasn't really like, us time, you know, and I and I didn't have long extended times in God's presence like I was craving, you know, it was kind of like quick devotions in the morning, step out of our room and beyond. I was missing my kids, my grandkids and my closest friends, and I was feeling disconnected. And that's really the feeling of loneliness.
Yeah. Yeah. Are there different types of loneliness that we can experience?
Oh, absolutely. I think, you know, loneliness is an is an ache in the heart of the young mom who's surrounded by toddlers but feels like she never can have a decent conversation. It's the cry in the heart of the single who longs to be married. It's the throb in the heart of the married woman who feels disconnected from her husband. It you know, it happens in the soul of the person who feels uninvited. It's, you know, misery. When your spouse dies, it's, you know, it just can happen. It can happen in a crowded room where you walk into a room and you think, I don't know anybody here. I don't feel connected.
Yeah, I'm sure that a lot of our listeners and you gave those various scenarios were raising their hand along the way. Oh, that's me, that's me. So let's get a working definition. Uh, what does it mean to experience loneliness?
I believe that loneliness is not the absence of people, but it's feeling disconnected from those people. And our hearts and our spirits and our minds were all designed for connection. And so when we're not feeling connected, when we're not feeling bonded, we feel lonely. Mm.
Is feeling lonely always something bad?
No, I don't I don't think so. I, I think it can be a great signal that your heart is longing for God. You know, at the end of the day, Doctor Chapman, God is our deepest desire. He's wired us to ache for him. And so sometimes when I'm lonely, I have to step back and think, okay, what am I really longing for here? And it might be deeper connection with God, you know? And so loneliness can be a signal that you need to be more intentional.
And God's one that's always available, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
Sometimes you can call somebody you think is a friend and they don't have time to talk to you, or they don't respond to your text or. But God's always there.
Yes he is.
Now throughout the book you give examples of lonely people. Can you tell us about someone who's on your heart right now?
Yeah, I can, and this person is actually not in the book. Um, it's somebody that I had a conversation with recently who opened up to me, and she just said, Becky, I'm feeling so disconnected from my husband. He's lonely. I'm lonely. It's like we're two ships passing in the night, and we just can't seem to relate anymore. You know, we're we're trying, but we haven't gotten there. And in my heart, I feel so lonely because I want that deep connection. But I don't know how to get there. And I think that's a classic one, actually, you know, because I think while singles feel lonely, thinking, you know, a marriage is going to solve my loneliness, there are a lot of people who are married who still feel lonely, you know, because they're not connecting to the level they want to.
I'm sure that a lot of our married listeners can identify with that, and that's something I deal with all the time in the counseling office. You know, the one that's on my heart right now is a young, single gal, and she's not really young. She's in her 50s and never been married. And just recently she called and she said, I hadn't talked to her in a long time. And she said, I'm just so lonely. I just, I feel I'm disconnected from everybody. And she said, I don't, I don't even feel close to God anymore, you know? And your heart always goes out, you know, to somebody who just feels like there's nobody there for me. And even my relationship with God is not close, you know?
Yeah, Absolutely. And and yet, you know, when we look at Scripture, I just feel like I'm supposed to say this. I, you know, I've been studying the story of Hagar, and Hagar is out there in the wilderness alone because she's run away from Sarah, because she knows she's pregnant, and she identifies God as the God who sees. And God sees us in our loneliness. He hears us in our loneliness, and he comes in our loneliness. And I just think that's so profound.
You know, the Surgeon General has said that we are in an epidemic of loneliness. Talk about the factors that contribute to this epidemic.
Yeah, we definitely are in an epidemic. And, you know, I think one of the chief factors above everything else is as a culture, we have become addicted to busyness and hurry. You know, we're always on to the next meeting. We're always racing to the next sporting event. And because of that, because we're so busy and moving so fast, we're not taking time to be with people who we are well connected with or who we should be well connected with. And I think that's really robbing us of some of the relational benefits that that people before us prior generations had. The other thing is, certainly technology is having a profound impact on our culture. You know, we we have kids now who text each other, but they don't know how to have a face to face conversation. They don't know how to look somebody in the eye and talk to them. And it's amazing to see how many adults are in the same place. You know, they you go out with a friend to lunch, and all of a sudden you realize they're texting under the table and they're not even looking at you. And and when we do that, we're missing each other. You know, social media. A lot of people use social media to anesthetize the pain of loneliness. So, you know, they feel lonely in their apartment at night. They go to Instagram or Facebook or, I don't know, Snapchat or one of those TikTok maybe, and they're just scrolling all night. But it was interesting in the Surgeon General's report because that actually increases our loneliness. It doesn't diminish it. Mhm.
Well, I think a lot of our listeners can identify with that, you know, and especially that busyness stuff that I identify with that you know, I was just thinking the other day to myself, I thought, you know, there's about five people that I've been friends with through the years. And I mean, you know, close friends and I haven't, I haven't had lunch with them or anything in a good while. And I thought, what's happening here? You know. Yeah. It kind of.
Catches up to you.
Doesn't it? It does. Yeah. So I just I made a note, you know, I wrote their names down a little piece of paper that I want to call them. I got to change this. So how about the pandemic? Uh, how did it impact the whole thing of loneliness?
Well, and I think, for starters, the pandemic was the great revealer. It revealed to us where people were at, what they were feeling. Many of them moved away from church, you know, they had to they had to be home watching it online. And many of them never actually came back to church. But and then I think, you know, the pandemic had a huge impact on people who maybe were living alone. I think Gary, of my dear father in law, he he lost his wife in February of 2020 and the pandemic. Uh, his wife of 60 years, the pandemic hit in March of 2020 and my father in law was isolated at home, alone at 92 years of age, you know, and he was incredibly lonely because he couldn't go out and see anybody. So I actually started calling him every afternoon, you know, and we would chat and talk about life, and he would tell me stories because he was so lonely. Yeah. And I think that's the way it impacted a lot of people.
Yeah, I think you're right. You know, we were forced we were forced into loneliness, as it were.
Yeah.
Now, in the book, you talk about a theology of belonging. Tell us more about that.
I love this, actually, because our hearts were designed for God. You know, way back in the book of Genesis, in Genesis 126, it says that God said, let us make man in our image. We were created in the image of a relational God, a Godhead who enjoyed relationship and community within the Godhead. And we were designed with this divine ache where until we really bond with God, our hearts are going to feel the ache of loneliness. And then from there, God went on to say, it is not good for man to be alone. And it's not just the male species, it's females as well. It's not good for us to be alone because we were created to live connected lives both with God and with others. And once we connect deeply with God, once we have found our truest sense of belonging in him, once we have completely bonded with God, there's this secure center where we can reach out then and begin the bonding process with other people.
And really without that sense of Belonging and connection to God. There's even if we have human relationships, there's still an empty part, right? Without God. Yeah.
There is. You know, I remember early in my marriage, and probably I'm not alone in this. You know, I remember thinking, okay, I married this man who I adore and love, and he is just going to be wildly romantic, you know, and he is going to meet my heart's deepest desires. And, you know, about a year into our marriage, I remember thinking, okay, he's really busy in ministry. I'm really busy in this other stuff. And where is this deep connection? And it wasn't until I learned how to really settle in and find my deepest love needs met by the Lord, that I was able to love Steve out of the overflow of a fully secure heart.
Yeah, I think that's such an important truth. Absolutely. Now, you talked a little bit about this earlier, but this whole thing of social media, it's with us, you know, we're not going to keep it from being there. But what are the positives and negatives in terms of relationships?
You know, the positives of social media is that you can stay in touch with anybody around the world, right? I mean, I remember being a young missionary living in Africa and, you know, you had to send snail mail to stay in touch with your parents or your family or whatever. Now we have instant connection through the internet, through social media, through email. And so that's a real positive, you know, you can connect with people you went to high school with or college or whatever. The downside of it is it it almost gives us this fake security that we have lots of friends when we're really not deeply connected. We're just seeing pictures. And I think for women, I don't know if this is true for men, but judging from the conversations that I've had with women, I think for women, social media is encouraging them to compare, you know, so they see a picture of somebody who's posting on Instagram. You know, I just had a baby and I'm back in my size two jeans, you know, six weeks later and they're thinking, that's not my story. What's wrong with me? You know, and so I think there are some real downsides of social media and it's causing us to lose our focus. I read one article that said we now have the attention span of a goldfish. I mean, that's pretty sad.
Yeah. Wow. Wow. Yeah, I think I think you're right. You know, and we don't need to curse the whole thing because, as I said, it is with us. Yes. But I do think we have to recognize that spending time on social media is not going to build long term relationships. But you're right, it does help you stay in touch with people that that are a distance from you. And that's wonderful. I just just this week I got an email from a friend of mine who's in the Philippines, you know, and so yeah, it's it's the, the positives there. Yeah.
I think I like to suggest to people, you know, don't spend more than a half an hour a day on social media, you know, limit it.
That's an excellent idea. Otherwise it will eat up all of our time. You know, our free time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How does humility now you talk about this in the book? How does humility impact our friendships and why is that important?
It's huge. You know, the last thing you want is to be friends with a person who always thinks they're the expert on everything, right? And in our culture, we are very polarized. People have very strong opinions. And yet Paul encourages us in Philippians two that we are to have the mindset of Christ, that we are to look out for each other's interests. And so a person that is not humble might monopolize the conversation, always sharing their ideas and their principles and being the center of attention. And yet a person who's humble can come in and and listen and invite another to share their opinion. And those are the people that more people want to be friends with. In fact, Harvard did a study that showed that people who are humble are actually happier than those who are not. So that's a valid reason to put on humility.
Yeah, I like that. You know, that reminds me, the other day my wife met a lady she had never met before and ended up spending about 45 minutes with her. But my wife said, you know, she just talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked about everything. And in 45 minutes, she never asked me a single question about myself. Yep.
We meet those kind of people on.
Planes all the.
Time? Oh, yes.
Oh, just illustrates that, you know, there has to be a two way conversation if we're going to build relationships.
You know, we we live in a culture where loyalty in many ways is a forgotten quality. You know, people go to a job and they work for two weeks and then they decide, nah, I'm out of here. I don't want this job. You know, I'm going to move on to something better. And because we are a culture that moves a lot, you know, in transitions a lot, we forget people in our lives. So somebody that you might have been friends with 20 years ago, you have no idea where they are now. But loyalty is a godly quality. You know, you think about the faithfulness of God in our lives, and he's there for the long term. I think this is so well illustrated with Ruth and Naomi and the loyalty of Ruth to her mother in law, and it builds those long term friendships. Yeah.
Now, in the book, you talk about Jill and illustrate the importance of loyalty.
Yeah. Jill is one of my very dearest friends. In fact, I dedicated the book to her and one other friend that I have, and I met Jill during a really rough season of ministry for my husband and I, and we lived near her and her husband for several years. They just they did not have kids. We had four kids and, you know, they would come over and help with homework and come to our kid's musical performances and sporting events. And I just loved Jill. And when we had to move from California, I remember thinking, oh, I'm afraid we're going to lose this friendship. And Jill said to me, Becky, I am loyal. I'm going to be in this friendship for a lifetime. I will be an aunt to your kids, and I'm here. And you know, it's now 20 years later, and Jill and I were just on the phone the other day. Jill still sends birthday cards to all my kids. She, in fact, this is extraordinary. She sends birthday gifts to all my grandchildren, and I have 14 of them. So, I mean, that's an illustration of loyalty. But those friendships are so deep, you know, and they're precious.
If we're if we have a a friend that is that loyal, we are. We should be grateful.
Mhm.
Because I think you're right. I think a lot of our friendships today tend to be related to situations like we might have friends at work but we don't, we don't share anything other than just the time we spend at work. You know. And if one of us leaves the job then it's probably that we probably don't have any contact.
Yeah. And I mean, you can't remain, like, long term loyal friends with hundreds of people. Our brains aren't wired like that. But if you have a few good friends that you've been in friendship with for longer than ten years, that's a beautiful thing. And those are your treasures. Yeah.
I wonder, though, for the men who are listening to this and have just heard you, Becky, say what you just said. You know this example of the friend who writes you and even sends birthday gifts to your grandkids? There are men who are listening right now who say, this is such a foreign idea from me, I must be, you know, I must not be okay because I don't have any. I've never had any friendships like that. So my question is, is there a difference between men and women with this connection thing? You know, can can you alleviate some of the angst that a man is going through listening to this?
Yeah, I can alleviate the angst, but I also might offer a little bit of a challenge, you know, because I'm married to a man that has always really valued his independence. And, um, it was interesting when we were living near Greg and Jill, Steve really loved his friendship with Greg, and he has kept that friendship. Now, Greg and him are not long phone talkers, right? They don't. Steve doesn't. My kids joke and say that my husband can stay on the phone for about two minutes and then he's done. But but he he does stay in touch with Greg and you know, they will text each other prayer things. My husband right now is over in Africa. Greg is praying for him, you know, and and so I think for men, a lot of times friendships start around common activities. Greg and Steve both love hiking. They both love reading. They love to have conversations wrapped in spiritual things and and those all have built their friendship. So you just have to be intentional, even as a man, even though it's not going to look like maybe your wife's friends. Right?
Okay. Giving the ability or the space to be yourself without having to fit into something else. So the the man who's listening, who identified with what I just said is like, listen to that. You can be yourself. You don't. My mother always talked about somebody who, uh, exactly like your husband, you know, could only stay on two minutes. And she would say, when I talk with him, I feel like he's double parked. Yes, he has to go out.
But.
Um, but giving the space to be who you are. But at the same time, for men to know you need this, you need that kind of connection just as much as your wife, who may be different than you.
Yeah, absolutely. That's where the truth is, Chris, because, you know, men were designed to not be alone either. And, you know, just having your wife as a friend, that's great, but it's not enough. You need you need other men in your life.
Chris and Becky, this reminds me a few years ago, I was writing a book on cross-cultural friendships, and I saw a gentleman who's about 50 years old, looked to me like a businessman, happened to be African-American and a chick fil A, and so I went over to him after I'd finished eating and I said, excuse me, I'm doing a little research on cross-cultural friendships. I said, could I ask you a personal question? He said, sure. I said, do you have a friend of a different race or culture? And he was silent. And then he said, I don't have a friend of my own culture. Mm Mhm. Mhm. And I think Chris and Becky there's a lot of men out there that really they don't have a close friend of their own race or culture. And I think what we're saying here, it's important for men to know we need other men in our lives you know. And so. Wow. You know, to cultivate deeper relationships. You believe that we have to let go of a critical spirit. Uh, first of all, what is a critical spirit? And why is that so important in terms of building relationships?
It it is huge here.
Um, because I think a critical spirit is finding fault with other people, you know, always finding something wrong. And people come up with great excuses for this, you know, like, I'm just trying to help this person be better. So I'm going to point out something wrong with them. I, I have been in conversations where, um, now these conversations have all been with women, but I'm assuming some men struggle with this as well, where I'll in in a course of a conversation, the other woman will cut down at least five other people you know. Well, this person isn't that great because of blah blah blah. Or have you seen their car? Their car's a mess. Or their kids? Boy, they really need to get a handle on disciplining their kids. And here's the thing. Jesus told us not to judge other people. He told us that we are to love others, and each of us have blind spots in our life. Each of us have faults. We don't need somebody else pointing them out to us. And I think if there's anything that interrupts friendships, it's when somebody has that negative, critical spirit where they're always finding fault with whatever. It could be the weather, it could be someone's house. It could be someone's car, it could be somebody's job. It certainly could be their family. And we need to let go of that.
You know, that it becomes a kind of a lifestyle, doesn't it? At least it seems to me that some people this is this is just, you know, part of kind of who they are, but they don't understand how it impacts others at the same time. Is there a place for like, constructive criticism? Uh, you know, particularly if you do have a friendship with the person or would you rather call it something other than criticism when you, you, you try to, you know, help them understand something that you think would make them a better person?
You know, we have to be careful there because usually criticism ends up being really negative and it doesn't usually invite somebody else to change. We do need discernment between what's right and what's wrong. And I have found that when you discern that something is really going awry in somebody's life? Like, let's say they're getting ready to cheat on their spouse, or you're seeing them really constantly cut down their spouse, or you're seeing that they're making some immoral choices in other areas of life. Start with a few good questions. And in the spouse example, you might invite them by saying, you know, if you go that direction, how will that impact your spouse? How will that impact your kids? What will be the lasting effect of that choice? You know, how will it interrupt your relationship with people who look up to you? And when you ask questions, it's a little gentler than just saying, oh, you know, you're a sinner or you know, this is a bad thing you're doing, you know, because people don't want to hear that.
Yeah, yeah, I hear what you're saying. And I think you're. I think you're exactly right. You know, it's. But I think if you are in a close friendship, asking those kind of questions can bring up something that if you feel like that, there's something about the person that would would really be helped. If they could change something, then it's really close friends. Uh, you know, you can ask questions about that kind of thing and have a meaningful conversation without coming across as condemning them.
Yes, I agree with you.
How about this whole area of listening to other people? Mhm. Uh, because I think by nature we're not good listeners, at least some of us are not good listeners. Uh, so, so where does this fit in to to building relationships?
It is huge. You know, David Augsburg once said, um, to feel heard is so closely linked to feeling loved that for most people, the two are indistinguishable. In other words, if you're not listening to your spouse, to your kids, to your friends, to your neighbors, they're not going to feel loved. And so if you want the deeply connected relationships, you've got to learn to cultivate that listening skill, you know? In 2017, I actually wrote a book on how to listen so people will talk, because I realized so many of us are not great listeners, myself included. I had to change. You know, it took a daughter of mine telling me, hey, mom, you're really not the best listener. And I was like, okay, I value this relationship, so I'm going to change. I'm going to put effort and intentionality into learning to listen.
I sometimes talk about two different personality types. One is the babbling brook. Everything they see or think or feel, they share, you know? Yeah. And then there's the Dead Sea. Yeah. Who receives all these things? But this is not by nature a talker, you know? Yeah. Uh, and I think that the whole the whole what you mentioned this earlier, what is the whole role of questions in this process?
It's huge. You know, if we can remain curious about somebody's life, about their story, and I mean, genuinely curious, not trying to interrogate them, but just curious, you know, inviting them to tell you more. You know, there's really two kinds of people in the world, Gary. There are people who walk into a room and say, here I am, and there are people who walk into a room and say, there you are. And if you want strong relationships, you need to shift to there you are. Tell me about your vacation. Tell me about your kids. You know, tell me what you love about your job. Tell me where you're struggling, you know, and just inviting them to talk and share their heart with you? Yeah.
Have you. Have you thought about this or seen this? Because as Christians, we have an interest in sharing the gospel with other people. You know, I mean, this is a part of who we are. When you have the good news, you want to share it. But I think sometimes that in our evangelistic efforts we start sharing people, you know, about Christ and all of that, and we don't even know them and they don't even know us. You know what I'm saying? Mhm. And so getting to know them as a person, you know, and showing interest in them, and even if they have beliefs that are far removed from our beliefs, let them share those beliefs with us. You know, ask questions about it. It's an interesting thing. When did you come to believe that? How would this you know, just. And if you show genuine interest in people, then chances are they're far more open to to somewhere along the line to hear what you have to say. You know about spiritual things. Have you observed that?
Yeah, I absolutely have. And it reminds me of a story. My husband was traveling in Australia, and he had been on a ministry trip, and he was headed back to the airport. And he noticed that his taxi cab driver, he thought he was from Somalia. And so he he started asking him some questions, you know, and he was asking him about his faith and about his family. And, you know, the gentleman was Muslim. And so he began sharing about his faith. And he he said, you know, I'm not a great Muslim. I haven't done the Hajj yet. And Steve was just, you know, inviting him to tell him more. And before Steve got out of the taxi cab, he said to this gentleman, hey, I'm a I'm a Christian and I would love to know what advice would you give us Christians? And there was a long pause, and this gentleman said to Steve, You Christians want to tell us how to think, but you haven't taken the time to hear us or try to understand us. And you know, it was such a powerful conversation for Steve. And he said, hey, I'm sorry for that. You know, because your life is sounds really interesting and I wish we had more time to talk. And then he got out of the taxi cab. But I think it's a good lesson for us. You know, people won't listen to us if they don't know that we love them and care about them. Yeah.
Yeah. So true.
You know, the other thing that I thought I was going to say is you should leave a bigger tip.
And I say that fought back.
I say that with a smile, Becky. But it's true that that a lot of people, you know, servers, a lot of my kids are servers. They'll say the people who come in on Sundays or, you know, they know that they're Christians because they pray they're the worst tippers. And it's like, no, we ought to be the best. We ought to be the most generous people on the planet, you know.
Yeah, I agree with you.
And I have heard that same statistic.
And I think this habit is fine. But there are people that have a habit of asking the waiter or the waitress, you know, we're going we're going to have prayer in just a minute. Is there something we could pray for you? Well, you know, many times they will share something. I mean, they'll they'll be very honest about it, you know? But I guess what you're saying, Chris, is you pray for them, but you don't leave them a tip and.
Right, right. And so what? Yeah. What do they.
Think as they walk away from that? You know, and I love what you said about him. He and he didn't do this as an evangelism tool or, you know, he was just interested in other people. When you pigeonhole people as, okay, oh, here's my Muslim cab driver, you know, or here's my server who has a tattoo and I don't know where she is spiritually. You know, I just kind of pigeonhole them. No, you just treat people as people and be interested and and ask questions and listen. I think that's that leads to those deeper connections that you're talking about, Becky.
Absolutely, absolutely. You know, everybody out there has a story and every story is worth hearing. I mean, we follow Jesus, and that's the way he lived his life.
You know, Becky, and the whole thing of building relationships, you talk in the book about the fact that in our culture today, we are so distracted with so many things. What are those things that distract us from really having meaningful relationships?
Yeah, I think, number one, we are living in an information age and our brains are so overloaded with information. We we take in reams of information every day. You know, whether from the media and updates on news reports, whether it's, you know, uh, things that are happening in our culture, we have social media. I mean, we're just our brains have become addicted really, to a quick fix, especially when we're scrolling on our phones. You know, a lot of us get the news on our phones, we stay in touch with our phones. So we've got this cell phone thing going on. And, you know, I was thinking, um, this morning I ran out to run an errand, and I forgot my cell phone. And I confess, I had, like, a momentary panic, like, oh, I don't have my cell phone. And then I remembered, you know, like, when I was raising kids, we didn't have cell phones, right? Everybody had a landline, and. And yet we've become addicted to our phones. We email on our phones, we text on our phones, we scroll social media on our phones, we scroll the news on our phones. But all that scrolling is dumbing down our brains. And we are so distracted.
Yeah, and when we ignore the people around us.
Yeah. And it creates a disaster in our in our friendships, you know? Um, I have to tell you this story because it's so great. When we were raising kids, you know, it was during during the Beanie Baby era, you know, where everybody was addicted to Beanie Babies. So our little girls wanted Beanie Babies. We were on vacation walking the boardwalk, and our son was about, I don't know, 12 or 14 at that time. And he was waiting for them to pick out their Beanie Babies. We were in a candy kitchen, and there was this suction cup on one of the plexiglass things, you know, and he was fiddling, fiddling, fiddling, and all of a sudden he popped that suction cup and it was like something out of a Lily Havrysh episode on YouTube. One container hit another, hit another, hit another. And I mean, Swedish Fish went flying Carmel balls. And I mean, it was. And I just got the giggles, you know? But my husband offered to pay for everything in the store and the lady just told us to get out.
But I will never.
Forget that because even though it's hilarious, you know, we are so distracted that it creates disasters in our relationships, you know? And we miss what people are saying to us and how they're trying to be heard. Yeah.
Another thing that you discuss in the book that I think is really important is this whole idea of hospitality. What is hospitality and how does that interface with sometimes people experiencing loneliness?
So hospitality basically is welcoming others into your home. And it's a biblical concept. It can be welcoming others into your friend group, but it can also be welcoming other people into your home. And I think a lot of us get stressed out here, you know, because we think, well, my home doesn't look like Chip and Joanna Gaines home or Martha Stewart or I can't cook like this person or that person, but most people really don't care. When you welcome them into your home, the connection goes deeper. One of the stories that I like to tell is of my grandmother. I would spend a week with her every summer in New York City, and every single afternoon at 3 p.m. sharp, Aunt Isabel would come over. Now, Aunt Isabel wasn't related to us. I don't know, we just all called her that. Um, she was just my grandmother's friend. Every single afternoon, they would have coffee and coffee cake together in my grandmother's apartment. And I thought about our lives today. Who has time, you know, to have somebody over every day. And yet, when you invite people into your home, the relationships goes much deeper when you think about it. Jesus invites us to his table, right? And he says, all are welcome here. And, and and he wants us to extend that invitation to others? Yeah.
You know, another thing that you discuss in the book that I think is important is the whole matter that if we're going to have lasting friendships, we have to not be so thin skinned and get offended if the person disagrees with us on something, say, say a word about that.
Yeah, I think this particularly hits those who are listening, who are women. Some of us have gotten to the point where we just get really easily offended, and then we back up from relationships, and as a result of that, we're lonely. You know somebody who disagrees with you, it doesn't have to offend you. You can allow other people to hold their opinions and just love them. Somebody maybe has to cancel plans with you and change the plans. That's not because they don't like you or love you. Their schedule just got in the way, but offer grace whenever you're tempted to take offense. Remember that when you take offense, it's it's like a trap that Satan has for you, and then you back up from a friendship. Instead of taking offense, offer grace and just offer understanding. The friends that are the closest to me are the friends that offer understanding. When my schedule gets wonky, when I have big demands on me and I want to offer them that grace. Because that's a beautiful thing in every relationship.
You know, as we come to the end of our time together, I just want you to touch on this whole matter that you discussed in the book also about prayer and praying with other people. How does that interface with our our friendships? And can you give us some examples of the power of praying with other people?
Yeah, I love my prayer people. And I think of my dear friend Judy. It's actually Judy Dunigan. And, um, I mention her in the book. Judy and I have been friends for over 30 years, and when our kids were little, Judy and I started praying together and we prayed for their spouses. We prayed for their protection. We prayed for everything, you know. And now it's many years later, um, and and we still check in. It's nothing for Judy to text me at 5 a.m. and say, hey, are you up? Let's pray. Or for me to text her, you know, and just the other day, in fact, I mean, maybe a week ago, we were on our knees at 5 a.m., her and her house, me and my house. And we prayed through all 20 of our combined grandchildren by.
Name.
You know. But the depth of that friendship is beautiful. You know, we've cried together, we've laughed together. We've prayed for our marriages, for our men together. We've prayed for our kids and their spouses. We've prayed for our writing and our speaking, and the depth of that friendship is so deep because we could get on our knees together, and you just can't pray with another person without it going, without the relationship going deeper. So I like to tell spouses, listen, if you feel disconnected, get on your knees together and start praying together and watch what God does.
Great idea. As we close, just say a word to the person who is listening to us today who is experiencing loneliness. Just briefly, what would you say to them?
I would say to them, first of all, you are never alone. God sees you. He hears you and he will come for you. So seek to connect with him first. But then I would challenge you. Seek to take initiative and connect with one person this week. You know, maybe it's like, hey, I would love to hear your story. Let's get coffee together. Or I would love to invite you to my house for dessert. Or I would love to just hear more about what you do or about your kids. So let's go for a walk together. Just try to take initiative with one person and watch what God does.
Good advice. Well, I want to thank you for being with us today, and also thank you for writing this book. I think it's going to help anyone, male or female. And if they're feeling lonely, it's going to give them ideas on how to interface with other people. And if they're not feeling lonely, we all encounter people who are lonely, and if we ask questions of them, we will find out where they are and we will have an opportunity to minister to them. So again, thanks for all the effort and prayer and time that you put into writing this book and for being with us today.
Thank you for having me. It was a joy.
Well, if this conversation has touched a nerve in your heart about that, cultivating a deeper connection in your life with a friend, go to our website. Building relationships.us. You can find out more about Becky Harling's book Cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World. Just go to Building Relationships. Dot us.
And coming up next week, how do you help your child cultivate humility, respect, and resiliency?
Author and speaker Jill Garner will join us in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.
Thanks for listening.
