Today on Golden Hour, Kathy and Susan are diving into your Friday Fan Questions! We kick off today's episode with our question of the day: can you ever date someone that both you and your best friend are interested in? Then, we get into some of your questions, including some very deep topics – listener discretion is advised. Sometimes you need to leave what no longer serves you, and Kathy and Susan are here to help! Tune in now to hear all this and more and be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode!
This podcast episode discusses sensitive topics, including the loss of an infant. Listener discretion is advised. Welcome back to Bachelor Happy Hours Golden Hour. We're so happy to be back with y'all. Thanks for joining us.
And if you haven't heard Wednesday's episode, make sure to check it out. You won't believe it. We had Daisy on with us and we had such a great time and a great chat.
I mean, is she amazing Susan the glow of the happiness talking about her dating life. She is in the best possible place.
And she deserves every minute of it for what she's been through. But to have such a positive attitude, And did you hear or say it's all about leaning on the loved ones, the ones that love you the most. How she got through it?
Did you? I was absolutely going to say the same thing. She talked about how close she is with her family and how happy they are that she's dating. And she said she didn't talk to them out much in high school, but now she's so close to them. I love that. I want to call my daughter and say hey.
And what she went through. I think what I heard her say was she was harder on herself than anyone else would have been. I'm sure she was torn and confused and sick, and she just thought.
Yeah.
I mean she mentioned about her illness. She had lime disease, she was in treatment in Germany. I mean she there were days she couldn't get up out of bed. And look at her now.
She's saying she had seizures and sick and couldn't. It was amazing. And look, God, I'm telling you.
Yeah, and she is twenty five from where we sit. You know, her whole life is ahead of her, absolutely, and she's just she really is a beautiful person inside it out. She's so positive and I just I loved having her as a guest.
And let me tell you Thor, I know you're listening. I'm glad you reached back out to that beautiful young lady.
I mean, how smart is he? He's wait until she gets everything fixed in her life moving forward and being I think I'll reach out to that old college sweetheart. That's one smart guy right there. I love it.
She is so sweet and it was great. It was everybody. Just check it out. You'll really enjoy her. And beautiful too.
I mean, it's just so unfair, really gorgeous inside note.
All right, we'll wed with twenty five once Kathy, we were twenty five.
I did not look like Daisy. I'm putting it out there.
I did not sound like Daisy. I mean, she's so mature, she's been through a lot.
She's been through a lot, and you know what, people, it is. It is a lesson for everybody. Look what she's been through. Whatever you're going through, you can get up and make a positive life. I think that's the message from Daisy you. Okay, Well, today we're doing an another listener write an episode, and we have some great questions to get into. But first, Susan, do you want to kick us off with the question of the day?
You got it? Now, the question of the day. Is it ever okay to date a guy that you and your best friend really really like? Oh?
Okay, Susan, let's think about it. You and I are really good friends.
Okay, yep, we both like the same guy.
That's a good Well here's the thing. The guy, he'll get it. He only wants one of us. Right, Well, in that case, I win. You're out. No, sash, What do you think?
I mean? What suck? I mean? Some might say that neither one of you date him, But that's stupid.
You know what I'm I'm really being honest. I think if you and I like the same guy, let's call him John, and John made a clary wanted to date you, I would I would get good with it because I'd.
Want you to be happy.
I would want you to be happy. But I probably initially would be scarce when you two were together, you know, and.
I probably would say something to you like, Kathy, are you going to be mad? Like? You know, I really like him.
I I wouldn't ask you that. I would say, I hope you're not mad, because what if I said to you, I Am going to be mad? Susan, you can't date him?
Oh God? Then friends, Susan.
Yeah, don't ask a ques listen, do not ask a.
Question question that don't don't answer.
To, answer to or you know the answer to. That's another little foot.
We have some anonymous questions today. You want to start ken all right, here we go.
Okay, So here's our first listener question and it's an anonymous question. And you know, Susan, when we do our questions and we answer our fans, usually it's sort of lighthearted and we make fun and we have enjoy and we try to get some good advice. But this one is a really hard, tough question. So listeners out there, if listening to hard questions and hard, really hard topics is tough, you might just want to fast forward a few minutes until we get through this one.
See, we won't want to upset anybody.
Right, Okay, here we go. Hi, Kathy and Susan. I am struggling very much and hoping the two of you can help me. I've been married for over thirty years. The first half was incredible. The last fifteen years have been bad. My husband and I were best friends and lovers. We lost our baby fifteen years ago. It was an unexpected tragedy. I became horribly depressed. He was not there for me. He became verbally and emotionally abusive and turned into an angry, controlling person. Distress from everything affected my mental and physical health. I've been wanting to leave my marriage for the past ten years. I have been too afraid to do so. I cannot talk to my husband because it only makes it worse for me when I've tried to point out his behavior. I finally did tell him a few months ago that he's causing damage and I am considering leaving him. He has now changed back into a sweet, kind husband, but I feel so disconnected from him. I love him, but haven't been in love with him for ten years. I'm afraid of him. I don't want to do anything romantic or sexual with him. I am carrying so much guilt about potentially leaving him, and I feel he will be heartbroken and alone forever. He is not social. I don't want to go to any more marriage counseling together. It always turns into arguments when we did. I'm also struggling about leaving him because I've been with him for so long and there's some attachment still there. I would feel relieved if he were the one who initiated divorce. I am so conflicted. My health continues to decline. I don't want to get sicker, but I'm scared I am putting his feelings ahead of mine. The memories of when we were good, and also seeing signs of how he used to treat me now make it so hard for me to hurt him. The guilt is so bad that I feel like it's my fault if I end the marriage, even though he was the one who has been abusive to me. I'm too scared to even have this talk with him. I don't know how to proceed. Please can you help me? Thank you? Wow, oh God, that's a lot to unpack.
Holy moly. I mean, I know you can't go backwards, but I wish, I wish you didn't let ten years go.
You got to see, it's just so.
And she became an ugly person and you never addressed it for all that time.
So neither one of us are therapists or counselors. But there's so many comments that this woman says that tell me a lot. She's scared, she has guilt, she's sick, she's sick, she's physically sick, she's getting sicker.
I think, first of all, how about him turning back into the nice guy when she did say it.
I don't even know what to say about that. I just think that she's in a position now where you need to go. I don't know your name, but you need to go out and you need to get counseling for yourself because you are in a spot where you are frozen. You don't know what to do, and it's so clear that you don't know what to do, and you're scared, and I don't blame you. Abuse is a horrible, horrible thing. I would very much encourage you to start by going out yourself. You don't need to tell your husband. By the way, I'm also extremely sorry for the loss of your baby. I can't even imagine, but I do think she should.
I agree with you, go get some help for herself and talk it out with somebody. Yeah, not just her physical illness, but where her headspace is right now. Yeah, and she's fallen out of love with him. She'll always love him, but she's not in love with him anyway. But are you better off now that he's reverted back to the nice guy that you married. This is a really, really tough one.
Yeah.
But she's miserable in it. It sounds like, and you should not be miserable. And I do what makes you happy?
Yeah, I don't think fortune makes her happy, Susan.
Unfortunately, if it means hurting him, you got to think about you. If you're not one hundred percent with yourself, then you're never going to be any good to anybody else.
Yeah. I think the first thing you have to break this down into tiny little bits, tiny little tiny little bits that you can handle. I was reading a book actually yesterday afternoon, right before I read this question, and I'm quoting from this book paraphrasing, but it says, when we come to terms with the behavior we have developed over time that limit our happiness or our well being, we realize we need to intentionally build new habits and make change, redirect your energy. It will be uncomfortable and scary at first. And when I read that, I thought of you, Anonymous. I thought, it is scary. You are uncomfortable, but you have to redirect your energy. And the best way I can suggest to you, not being a therapist, is get yourself to a therapist and work it out minute by minute and find out what the best course of action for you is, because you know what, you can't go on another fifteen years this way.
Absolutely not, absolutely not.
I got it.
So sorry you're going through this, so am I God, so sorry, and thank you for sharing it with us, and we wish you all the best. If there's anything else you want to talk to us about, we're here for you.
Yeah, let us know, you know, but really, get to a therapist, get some helps, get some help. It'll change your life.
Alrighty, well, that was a tough one, Kathy sure was.
How grateful? How grateful are we for our lives?
God bless I know. Shirley asks, Hi, Kathy and Susan love your podcast so much. My question is about how much a boyfriend should pay for things in a relationship. I've been dating my current boyfriend for about a year and a half. Things are really great between us. The only thing is he never pays for things. Never really thought about it until my friends started getting into the relationships. Every time I'm around my friends and their boyfriends relationships ranging from four months to a year, their boyfriends pay for them. I've seen my friends try to pay, and each of their boyfriends, in their own way, declined kindly. One time, my friend and I went on a double date and when her boyfriend asked my boyfriend if he wanted to split it, meaning the guy split the bill. My boyfriend said, yeah, works for me. Turn to me and asked, and I'll just VENMO request you. Oh my god. My friend and her boyfriend weren't paying attention when he asked me that, but I still felt so embarrassed. I never thought about it until I started seeing how my friend's boyfriends are. I know playing comparison is never good, but it just made me aware of the situation, and now I can't stop thinking about it. My boyfriend hasn't paid for something for me since our first date. My friends have never said anything to me, so I don't know if they even notice. I feel too embarrassed to ask them about it. What do I do? It does kind of make me feel bummed that he didn't do this for me. He has a great job, so I know it's not a financial issue. I have no idea how to even bring this up, or if I even want to. You absol freakinglutely want to bring it up.
Sure I'm called hitting me. Surely I'm call him bullshit. You didn't notice that he never paid for you? Come on, surely I.
Take boyfriends out when I treat it, sometimes, not every single time. And then for him to say, I'll venmo request you. Sure do you sleep with him and give him death? Though? Freak out of my life?
I can't.
I just can't with this guy.
Okay, Surely, surely you know better. Surely you do, Surely you do. Listen, you say that you don't know how much a boyfriend should pay for things in the relationship. Surely he's not paying for anything. How much? Let's try anything here.
Do you think life is going to be like with this man?
Yeah? I mean, I'm just not buying the Susan I'm calling this girl. You are either so not self aware of what is customer in a relationship, which is scary, and you have no idea how to bring it up. Surely I'm going to tell you how to bring it up. Hey, job, I'm sick of pain for everything. Your turn. There, you go be in direct.
I'm done for the next year and a half.
Yeah, exactly. And he's got a good job, and you know that. I think maybe there's something else going on here. Surely. Now I've kind of made jokes, but now I'm being serious.
No, it's cheap.
Is she that desperate for a relationship?
Yeah, that's sad. I don't know really, if you're embarrassed and don't even want to tell your friends, that's that's a red flag.
She's been for a year and a half.
Red red flag.
That is a crimson bleeding red flag.
She's said, don't look back, just run, please run, do not walk to the nearest exit.
That's usually Okay, I think you have another anonymous I hope this one isn't heavy. I still can't get past that other one. Oh, breaking my heart.
Okay, all right, this is an anonymous question. Hey ladies, I want to say first off, I love in Caps. I love your podcast, Thank you, thank you. I'm twenty one years old and I don't have parents anymore, so I rely on your podcast a lot when I feel lonely or need motherly advice.
Oh, we're here for you.
I'm coming to you both with a question. I haven't confided in anyone about, barely even admitted to thinking these things to myself. I've been my current boyfriend for almost two years. For the first year and a half, we were obsessed, that's also in caps, with each other, kissing all the time, sleepovers, never leaving each other's side. It was nauseating for singles. But in the past few months I found myself thinking about they're men like my friends, that are attractive, or sometimes just random men I see online. I would never ever cheat or act on these thoughts, but they are there. I love my boyfriend, but I can feel the spark slipping away. We're moving in together, halfway across the country in three weeks, and I think he's proposing soon after. I'm not ready to say yes, but I know if I say no, it'll be the end. But I'm also not ready for the end either. I'm just so lost and confused. We just graduated college together. I have no family, and his family has embraced me and taken me in, showing me what family love truly is. What do I do? Thank you so much. What you ladies do reaches more people than you know, and it helps in more ways than you know. Sending all the love from the Deep South. Okay, I want to cry.
I want to take her in my arms.
And I want to be your mother. I want to be goodness, I mean parents. Okay, so.
Yeah, I'm seeing a red flag.
Kat.
I don't know that she's just not sure. But when she said I'm not ready to say yes.
Susan, she's twenty one years old. Yeah, okay, Anonymous, here's my thought. You have lost so much in your life. We all have family. Our community of family is something so important to us. I can't imagine being twenty one and not having at least one parent to help guide me, or a sibling. You don't have that, and I can only imagine how warm and caring his family is to you, and that makes you feel part of a family. And I get that. But sweetheart, here's the thing. You're gonna have to learn to stand on your own and embrace that little child that you're You know, you're gonna have to hug yourself because mom and dad aren't there to hug you. And you're gonna have to have good friends that you rely on. But don't make a mistake of marrying someone and moving in with someone that you're not ready to do it. It's okay, you know what. Your mom would tell you that it is okay to say I'm not ready. And if guess what if he tells you it's over because you're not ready to move in with him, you dodged a bullet. What do you think, Susan?
I also want to say, it is being obsessed with each other and then separable. That is the beginning of real love. Is when all that stuff has burned away and you realize that you still care and love. You're not always going to feel that lust. I learned that the hard way, right. So it might be that she says she'd never ever cheat on him, So think long and hard. You're of course you're going to think other men are attractive or think about another guy here and there. That's all part of being twenty one and being alive. There's nothing wrong with that. So really sit down with yourself and ask yourself, is he the right one for me?
And you know what, Susan, she probably doesn't know because she's young. You just graduated college together. Maybe you guys both need to grow a little on your own. It's that old saying that you probably haven't heard. But you hold a butterfly in your hand, and if you hold it tightly and it can't get free, all it wants to do is get free. Open your hand, fly, girlfriend, fly, build a life for yourself and see what you want to do with your life. That's the only way you can be a good partner to someone else. And I don't think you're there yet, sweetie.
You're not think you're there. I think you'll always care about him. Maybe he was your first love and his family. Maybe just say I'm not quite ready yet, because if he is the one and it is meant to be, you will get back with him.
Yeah, do you remember your first love? Susan?
I guess I do.
Yes, I'm guessing this is probably your first love because they met in college and I remember my first love and I'll never forget him. But no, no, what, Anonymous, he wasn't the right guy for me to spend the rest of my life with. I we want to be your mom. Please reach out to us.
Again and feel the love coming from our hearts, feel our arms wrapped around you, honey, and just.
Know you're going to meet people in your life that you don't have your parents, but you're going to meet people in your life that will be that surrogate for you, that will help you through the tough times. And I'm just glad Susan and I can be that for you today.
But just I'm sorry, Kathy. Don't ever be afraid to say no, act don't ever be true to yourself. And if you are not ready to get married and not ready to say yes, then pause.
Yes, Anonymous, when you say I would never act on these thoughts, now is the time to act on those thoughts.
You're twenty one.
You're twenty one, and I know right now you feel grown up. And I bet you had to grow up really quickly because you lost your parents.
And it's tough.
It's tough. I came from a divorce family and I had to grow up pretty quickly too. But take the time. You'll be glad in the end that you take the time to figure out who you are and what you really want.
In your life, and stay tuned with us. WILL think about you a lot, trust me, and I hope we hear from you when you make your decision, and we'll be here for you the whole time.
And by the way, I lived in the Deep South, So y'all take care, y'all come back real soon you hear.
Alrighty Listener question number four, Jordan says, Hi, ladies, I'm loving your podcast. So I have a close friend who's become like a big sister to me. She is one of the sweetest, most caring people I've ever known. We met through work and just really hit it off. About a year ago, she confided to me that she's been struggling in her marriage. I wasn't too surprised by hearing this, as I had noticed some red flags between her and her husband pretty much from the first time I met him. A few months later, an incident occurred on a group vacation. We all took a situation got completely blown out of proportion, and I had to witness my friend be aggressively belittled by him in front of all our friends. It was horrible. I've tried to stay out of their business and just be a supportive friend, but it is so hard to stay quiet when you see someone you care about suffering. Recently, I learned that he had accused me of trying to break them up to some of his friends. I was so surprised by it, as the only thing I can think of is that he feels threatened and jealous over my close connection with her. I'm a big personality like you ladies, and I don't let weak, insecure men intimidate me. Good for you, but I just don't want this to get in the way of sisterhood. Of the sisterhood my friend and I have built. How can I be supportive and a shoulder for her to lean on without causing more issues? Help well, First of all, my hats to you that you stood quiet while he belittled her. No, no, no, no, no. I would have opened my mouth right then and there. You care about this woman, she is your friend. You be there for her. I know you don't want to meddle in other people's marriages and business. I get that, but who cares what he says? He's treating her wrongly, disrespectfully, and you're her friend, talk to her and stand up for her, how about you? Kay?
I sort of agree with you. I have learned over the years the only behavior I can change is my own. This girl, Jordan, who's friends with this other woman? Jordan, you can only control your behahavior. Your friend is confided in you. All you can do is encourage her to get some help. That's all you can do. You can't fight her battle for her, because what's going to happen is he is going to say I don't want you around her. Your friend sounds like she's afraid. She's afraid. I mean again, we only have what is written here, Jordan, so if I misreading it, I apologize. But it sounds like she's miserably unhappy. But I'm not hearing that she's gone to counseling or that she said to you she wants to leave him. So as a friend, you just have to be there for her in her time. When she's ready, she will leave him, or Jordan, she may choose to live a miserable, unhappy life with him, and yep, you're gonna have to stand by and watch it and be the supportive friend that you are.
Kathy saying, me and my husband and we're all way together, and he belittled me and embarrassed me in front of all of you. You wouldn't say anything.
Not in front of all them. I would put my arms around you later and say, Susan, I am here for you, I love you, You're my best friend. What can I do to help you? What do you need from me? But I would not I would not do it in public.
No, that's a tough one.
That's a tough one.
But I wow, take belittling and so much respect for yourself.
But Susan, Yeah, but Jordan is a strong personality like we are. I don't think her friend is. She said, she's sweet, one of the most caring people. She may not have a strong enough personality to fight her battle, but guess what, yes be there for. She's gonna have to learn, she's gonna her friend's gonna have to get strong. Jordan, your friend is gonna have to get strong if she doesn't like the life she's living. Okay, Wow, these were some pretty ansk questions today, and honestly, Susan and I are hoping for the best for all of you. We're almost out of time, but before we go, we have to end on a little bit of a lighter note. So we're gonna play a game, well, maybe a lighter note. We'll see, Susan, how about a game of moral quandary? Yeah's all right, We're gonna switch off reading a dilemma and each one give our thoughts. Okay, okay, all right, I'll start. You've started dating someone new and things are going great. One day you scroll back on their Instagram and they say, Instagram again, Instagram, It's gonna be the death of us. All all right? One day you scroll back on their Instagram and notice they have all of their pictures with their ex still up. Do you bring it up or do you let it slide? If we don't agree on this one, Susan, our friendship's over.
Oh well, I went through this and I had my ex up and he had a fit guy I was the guy I was dating I was.
This is this is the difference. This is the opposite. The guy you're dating has pictures of his X. What are you going to make him take it down.
Kind I don't think I should make him do anything but talk to him about it.
Yeah, Like I said, if we didn't agree, it'd be over. Absolutely bring it up. There's you know, you and I talk a lot about social media, and social media is fabulous. I mean, look where we are. It's great and there's so many benefits to social media. However, there's a lot of things that go on on social media that are hateful to other people, hurtful to other people, whether it's pictures words. In this case, I'd be thinking, you know, if give the guy a diary, if he wants to chronicle his life, why would he have pictures up of his ex girlfriends?
But also, on the other hand, it could be now she doesn't say how long's she just started dating someone? He men are not like us?
Really waits time, wait, Susan Knowles, would you please repeat.
That men are not like us old time? Because he might let that slip and not even been aware of it. So if you do strike a simple conversation, don't have an attitude, don't have you know, just be real and just say, hey, I noticed that makes me feel kind of weird, you know, something like that, and he might just take him right down and end all.
Yeah. I think it's again you. We say it over and over again, but communicating again. It's the I statement you. You wouldn't say you this, you that. If it were me in this situation, I would say Joe, I feel uncomfortable. That I wouldn't say why do you have the pictures up?
It would be making me feel uncomforactly.
It's how I feel, Joe, I feel uncomfortable, and I'm entitled to my feelings.
So kay, easy enough? Alrighty, your significant other receives a very expensive gift from their coworker that has always given you a weird feeling. Do you insist they return it, accept it graciously, or feel uneasy but say nothing? Well, you never make them return it.
Excuse me, Susan Golden rule number one. You can only control yourself.
I agree. I agree. So because it sounds like she'll be jealous or something if she makes her.
Feel Now, that's a different issue, isn't it.
Yeah? Yeah it is, Yeah it is.
I mean, I'm scene. I'm guessing this person does not like the coworker, probably has some insecurities around their relationship. Maybe you know he says it's my work wife, or she says it's my work husband. Whatever.
Very expensive. Maybe they have money that's not, you know, expensive to them.
I just think this says a lot about someone. When you say, do you insist they return it? You don't get that choice. You don't get that choice.
Or feel uneasy, but say nothing, no, say something, say that's kind of weird.
Okay, now you know what I would really do. Take make them take the expensive gift back and buy me a diamond bracelet with it to the exchange. Come on along, all right. A friend borrows an expensive item and returns it damaged without mentioning it. Do you bring it up? Let it go to avoid conflict, or subtenly hint about the damage to see if they confess.
A friend borrows something from me, So.
You borrow uh an expensive I'm sorry, I borrow an expensive.
Watch something from.
And it's damaged.
Yes, I bring it up. I absolutely bring it up. Babe. What happened? What happened to this? That's not how I gave it.
Okay, let's let's role play. What do you what do you mean, Susan? What do you mean? What happened?
I gave you this and it did not have this defect, a defect that what happened something.
That's exactly the way it looked when you gave it to me.
No, you're mistaken, I don't think so. So where do we go from here?
Exactly?
I have to accept it. You're my friend. But I'll think about what.
You know what I'm going to quote the Bible. I don't know if it's from the Bible. Neither a borrower nor a lender. B If it is that an expensive an item, shouldn't you shouldn't lend it. And if that's going to come between our friendship, I'm not. I'm not lending to if I give you something to borrow.
And it gets damaged, Kathy.
I'm not. I'm not letting that expensive watch come between our friendship. No way.
First of all, I'm not a borrower, but Susan do lend things like crazy. But I do draw a line Amazon, when.
Susan, can I borrow that really expensive watch? Please?
But I do draw a line. If something means that much to me that something could happen to it, I won't let you borrow it.
That's my point. That's my point. You don't lend something that has that kind of meaning or something.
That would that you can't replace.
I mean, Susan, you and I. We've borrowed each other's clothes, I've borrowed your jewelry, you've borrowed mine. But I would never if you asked me to borrow for example, if you asked to where my diamond ring that my husband.
Gave you, I wouldn't ever, I'm saying.
But if you did, I would say I can't, Susan, because if anything ever happened to.
It, now he's a piece of you know, that's a no brainer. Yeah, all right then. Wow, this was a heavy duty day, wasn't it, Kathy Ooh, And that's all the time we have for this episode of Golden Hour. Thank you so much everyone for listening, and I hope that you felt as much as we did with all these people.
We hope you felt the love. Thank you guys so much. Please be sure to follow the podcast. We have new episodes coming out twice a week, and we know that we have offered you some help and some great thoughts and we just don't want you to miss even one.
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