Clean

Stop the Levity Right Now!

Published Oct 16, 2024, 7:00 PM

Within the Hump Day edition of Armstrong & Getty's One More Thing Podcast...

The upcoming parent/teacher conferences for Jack's sons launches the crew into some fantastic recollections about their own class room memories....

Mister Bruce will start there. It's one more thing, I'm strong and getty. One more. I'm going to parent teacher conferences for my son over the next couple of days. And he's got one particular teacher that he does not particularly like.

Every kid has that, I think in that situation.

Yeah. Sure, And some of the examples he's given sound semi unpalatable. I mean, you know, I the beholder. Sure, Oh yeah, but two sides every story. Of course. I was thinking about some of the teachers that I did not like as opposed to teachers I liked. I had many teachers that I liked a lot, were freaking awesome, and I wish I wish I had a way to get a hold of them or they were live so I could tell them how much I thought they were awesome. Yeah, amen to that, But there were there were some So I was wondering if Katie Jo Michael can think of any examples. I've got a couple that, speaking of mister Bruce, either didn't like or were weird. Mister Bruce.

Would sounds like a gay fashion icon or something consultant.

I've wondered that over the years he was he he was pretty swishy, and I don't know if that had anything to do with anything or n was his last name Bruce or his first name Bruce. I think his last name was Bruce. Okay, all, and mister Bruce is appropriate. I don't even remember anyway. I'm in like fifth grade, gladys. Maybe one harp since these are all going to be from its tiresome. After a while, it was, gosh, she got carpal tunnel, and then we'll be on the hook. She's on our insurance plan. Mister Bruce. After lunch every day he would walk in. He had a locker there, and we all knew it. I mean we became accustomed to so we'd wait for it. It was part of the act. He'd come back after recess, and so we got lunch in recess. He'd come in. He'd walk over his turtle next wetter and he would open up the locker and he would get out a big thing of listine, like the old gross yellow kind that wasn't like minty. You probably don't even know this, Katie, but it didn't used to be minty or whatever. He just didn't even try to make it palatin him. No, it's just like taste it like caustic chemicals or alcohol, which is what it was. Yeah, And he would he would he would take his listerine and he would pour himself a big thing of listerine and he'd put in his mouth and he'd tilts his head back in front of the classroom and go do the whole gargle right in front of us, and then he would turn and look at us and then he would go swallow it down, and we'd all go ew. Every day, swallow it yeah, which I now realize was him basically taking a shot of whiskey to deal with teaching fifth grader's social study. You know who can blame him, wow, But every day and it just became a thing, you know, ew every single day with that smile on his face as he swallowed down his listerine, having just gargled up whatever was in his mouth.

The one the one thing I've realized is I have compared notes through my life, is that if you never had a band director that through things at the kids, you're a rarity. I mean, I thought that was so crazy that our band director would get mad and chuck his keys and usually it'd be over somebody's head or something like that a warning shot. But in comparing notes with other musicians, especially through my life, they're like, wow, my guy did that.

Too, Yeah, didn't band director through things? Racers, batons?

Yeah. The The unspoken message was I was the most gifted musician in my town. My dreams went to hell, and now I'm here failing to teach music to kids who don't care.

Who don't even care about the thing I'm so passionate about. Yeah, that would make you mad.

Yeah, to some extent.

You know.

It's funny now having said that, now I get why all my band directors were so nice to me, because.

Oh, yeah, that don't make a difference. Yeah, that don't make a difference. I get two examples. This is not bad teachers. This is me being dumb, I guess. But twice this happened to me in my career. And it's funny the things that stick in your mind. Obviously it made an imprint on me. My doctor was telling me the other day about what they've learned about things that are sticky in your brain. Oh, I'd love to hear me, man. And it's super interesting, and a lot of it is I have memories that are inexplicable. Why would I remember that. Yeah, it's not always easy to know, but a lot of it is just evolution. It's like to remember this fear moment so you don't have it to have it again. You know this almost killed you or almost killed you or whatever. But a couple of them because I was just so frightened. One time, we're in line, so this would have been fifth grade, because I can picture the teacher. I can picture that she was wearing a blue dress. I can picture it like it was yesterday. But the fifth grader, somebody said something in line as we're staying in line to go out somewhere, and what was that? She said? And some kids were you mocking me? Who's wocking me? Somebody who's wocking me? Who's I will not put up with this. Somebody was mocking me? And none of us had the slightest idea what mock meant? I know, I didn't. Yeah, And we were like, what the hell? Who did what? And why is she so mad? We've never seen her this mad ever? Right, And I can't answer the question because I don't know what that. You don't know what it is? Who's mocking me? And she went one by one, were you mocking me. I did all. I may have been or I may not have been. Know it depends on the meaning of mocking. But anyway, so that sticks in my mind because I was so frightened. Maybe I was mocking her and I don't know. Uh, there's that one. And then a similar thing with the band teacher. I would have been in eighth grade, and I should have known the meaning of this world. Just word. It just shows you how dumb I am. But uh, I was. I was not paying attention. We were supposed to be doing something in band. None of us were. And uh, and we're laughing about something. You said, cot the levity cock the levity right now? Wow, cut it? And I thought, I don't know what levity is. I don't know what I'm but I will. I will cut it out. You see it, You see me murderously angry. So I will. God, there's any levity in this room, I'll put it in a bucket and carry it out. But I had no idea what he meant. And I can still picture the look on his face. He was furious. Oh yeah, yeah, red faced. Yeah, I don't know what levity is.

I appreciate the class with which he was upbraiding you all and just stained a little high.

Oh jeez, Katie, you have.

Anything, Uh, I I don't. I don't think I had like a bad teacher. I had a couple of real odd balls though. My I remember my home ex teacher my freshman year walked around barefoot and she she was a large marge, if you know what I mean, and all of us she would walk by and we were just going.

Her feet were hot. She need to let him breathe. Yeah, that one.

And then I remember we had a sub for history, I believe, who sounded like Toweley from South Park. She talked like this, and we were just giving her all sorts of hell.

And I was wearing I.

Was wearing a shirt that said little miss Muffett sat on her toffet until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Wow, you still remember your teacher wordy t shirt? Yeah.

And she looked at me and she I just remember going, what does your shirt say? And I stood up and I pointed at the back of it like a real jackass, and she just went get out.

She took me out of the classics. That's what my shirt.

Said, get out, Get out. Wow, Sory, that's an hot T shirt.

She was. I have no idea what her name was because we all called her towly. Wow.

Was your dad aware of that T shirt? Did you ever get a you're not leaving the house in that, young lady?

I know, I think he knew I had it. But that's not a scene or anything. No, not at all. No, it's it's quirky as hell. I love it. Yeah, but it was one of those two parts.

So, like said, the front of it was little miss Muffet sat on her toffet, and then I had to turn around and show.

The back and get out of this class. Wait, why all right, fine, I'll leave Tally. Yeah, I was, oh.

Jeez, wow, juvenile delinquent. Uh yeah wow. On the other hand, there were some great teachers.

Yep. Can I tell you about mister Yoakum, my science teacher? Sure, Oh my gosh, he was the best. Is I wonder he didn't burn down the school or or hurt his student. But one time we're out in the playground area and also we hear this explosion, like this loud noise. We go in to the classroom and there he is, and there's smoke coming out from under his arms. He looks at us, he goes, damn it, I screwed up again. He did this stuff all the time. He'd like to take like a model rocket, light it and shoot it into the ceiling. The ceiling had holes from all the different years that he shot rockets.

Wow, I like, damn, I screwed up again, son of I thought that would work well and for next time.

For the laws of physics. He would take a bowling ball, suspend it from the classroom. I still remember this, and he would pull it back and you have a students, Oh my god, say stick your face out.

And write the idea that it can't go further than right gravity will Yeah, I'm aware of that.

It would get within like a half an inch.

I mean I saw one of these days. It's my teacher did that with the tennis ball. But and you know there's no chance really of But still, you don't need a bowling ball coming in with a hair's breadth of smashing your face open.

Yeah, what if you like lose your balance a little and lean forward an inch and a half.

If you get your skull caved in, try to hold still.

Michael, we had a teacher like that, as well, who I believe listens to the show, mister Lawrence, who I will always remember he used to strap Barbie dolls to rockets and launch him in the oh the.

Court like that, I do know, and Joe and I have talked about this before. For me, the teachers that were the most feared and hated were always my favorite because one, they they had discipline, so the class was orderly and I could pay attention, and and they were usually they were very enthusiastic about what they were teaching, and they were good at teaching it. But man, the teachers that were legendarily scary were almost always my favorite.

Yeah regular yeah, and the legend that you'd hear for oh yeah, the two years approaching eighth grade before you finally had mister mean pans right.

Oh, he didn't put up with crap, which is fine with me. Good. One of my favorite teachers, like I had, was a I was a very introverted, not particularly enjoying my life kid for all of high school. But my ninth grade English teacher totally got me and understood me and everything like that in a way no other teacher ever had. And it was just I mean, it was life changing. That's great. It was fantastic.

Yeah.

I remember one time I was doodling something I don't remember. I was dudeling. I was writing something funny on a piece of paper and he saw it over my shoulder and he started laughing and he held it up and he said, this is Jack. What you see every day is not Jack. This is Jack. Wow, he said to the class. He knew me, good will, hunting, dead poets, society stuff. I think he got fired for uh oh oh boy oh dark turn dark turn alert, dark turnal art allegedly flirting with a student. I don't know if he did or not, but yeah, I'm be unfortunate. Are those things don't go together? No, him recognizing my mind, no, not at all. Comedic abilities and uh being attracted to high school girls don't go together? Is well no, no, yes and no no end.

Yes, he was relating to students as fully human beings, as opposed to just someone coming through the class. There was an infamy alleged affair between a teacher and a student at my high school.

Really what are the ages here? Way too old and a senior, so it wasn't like a twenty year old teacher. No, no, which is still, you know, strictly against the rules, and you've got to be more disciplined than law.

Yeah, but yeah, it was eighteen and sixty five.

No, I'd have to guess at how old this guy was. He was certainly forty.

Ooh and forty year old dude.

The word was they were seriously close friends. They had a deep emotional attachment.

Huh, which happens? And I don't I.

Don't actually know about any hanky and or panky, And I wouldn't speculate after all these years because my memories are fuzzy. But my the birth of my cynicism, well maybe not the birth. One of the major chapters in my cynicism about human beings was in fifth grade science class, where the science teacher was is a halfway. He was a mediocrity. I think he couldn't have done anything else in life, which is not to denigrate teachers. I know in love quite a few. But he was doing this thing about the difference between hearing and listening, feeling and touching, seeing and looking. But he got the last one backward. He got it wrong, and he wouldn't admit it. And I argued with him, and he said, no, you're wrong, You're wrong, and I'm like, wow, okay, so sometimes people in authority are a wrong and.

B a holes about it. Wow huh that was he taught me an important lesson? Is it turned interesting?

Yeah?

Didn't one of you have a teacher that made you swim in the nude? No, sir, I thought you.

I had a story about that.

That was Josh my dad in like the nineteen Force. It's still weird though I was universal at the time. I know Catholic school though, yes, so so yeah, yeah, I'm at the point being Catholic schools are famously unable to afford swim trucks. And there was a lineup all the way down the hall for who would get to be gym teacher that day among certain of the clergy.

She will line up all the boys naked so you can give him the once over and choose one of them to be. Oh boy, yeah, sorry, I got it.

I told you there was dark turn coming and just took a little longer than I expected.

God. And the one thing I liked about mister Champlain also my final story would be when we were doing we had to give a speech about some literature, and he went through this whole complicated thing about introductions to a speech to grab people's attention or everything like that. You know, set up, you're what you're going to talk about. And I stood up to give my speech and I said, speaking of Shakespeare from my introduction. And he thought that was hilarious and gave me a wow, that's my whole introduction. That's nice. Oh well, that's a that's swimming naked thing. Oh boy. Oh one more thing about the schools. This is interesting at uh one of the schools I'm aware of. I don't want to get anybody in trouble. I don't even know why they did this. It's weird. It's got to be something to do with the modern naked math class. The bathroom, the boys' bathroom at the high school.

The urine.

Each urinal is individual in a stall with a door that closes.

Oh one, I wonder if they had that like people being assaulted thing, because you're rather vulnerable.

Is that a trans thing?

Well, what do you mean you're Oh, hell of that, that's what I'm saying. What when you mean you're vulnerable? It's been the same way forever, but all of a sudden, now you have to be yelling.

At me just because I haven't figured out why they do it.

It just seems crazy to me to cut the levity. Next, first, and the mocking. First of all, what does it cost you belding to build a bathroom like that as opposed to just all the urinals side? But I mean I went to schools where there was a trough. We all stepped up to the same trough. Now a school trough. Yeah, that's prehistoric. But the individual cement stall, you close the door behind you for one single ural, you think it's a trans thing. I think it is too. That was my first thought. I'll bet it is.

You know. I was in a business the other day where that was it. I walked in the bathroom and I'm like, where are the urinals? And I realized, oh, those stalls booths.

Yea, their booths are like a telephone booth for for for your nation, which telephone booths are for your nation too, if you're.

As our elevators, if you're riding the bar.

Hey.

But yeah, so I'm I'm guessing that's a trans thing. So just to stay ahead of it and avoid problems, Okay, we'll just have doors that close and all the urinal's fine whatever, so they can't see.

The girl's penises and the boys for j J. I get sorry, Katie, I interrupted you because of sexism.

Oh no, well yeah, of course that was the reason. But isn't the privacy nice kind of a little bit?

I like it?

Yeah?

Yeah to the next guy in the urinal guy, I am immune from his ugly advances.

I yeah, I suppose. I don't know. The fiscal conservative in me just thought, what did it freaking cost to remake the bathrooms like this? Yeah, for the one out of a thousand kids who got a problem.

Yeah, and now Jack's the guy in the next doll, going.

How much do you think? There's things exactly yelling over the stall? Unbelievable. We're in our own stalls. So buddy, I climb up on the top of this dog to peak over. This is crazy, isn't it beautiful?

Well, I guess that's it.

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