Adulting with Michelle Buteau and Jordan CarlosPut Your Penis In Your Pocket Book feat. Ms. Pat
This week, Adulting is giving heavy seen, felt, AND heard energy when Jordan and Michelle welcome comedy / acting / writing triple threat, Ms. Pat. Jordan accepts affirmations after courageously sharing his childhood journey from outie to innie, Michelle gives a refresher on karaoke night etiquette, and real talk—Ms. Pat speaks on what 31 years of marriage teaches and takes (honesty and therapists!!).
Anytime I do a sound check, I don't know. I'm just like, make a moment, have fun. Especially when I'm like doing a very conservative like morning talk show that's on like a very big network. I'm just they're like, can you just count backwards from ten or something? And I'm just like top titty meat, titty meat.
And they're like yeah, they're like, oh, don't say it on air.
I will say it on air. Okay, I'm not gonna say it on air, but I just like to make a moment. Like, you know, everything should be fun and funny, and if it's not, why are we here exactly?
Speaking of moments? Can I just ask, like, because I like your outfit today, oh, what is the moment and or story you're trying to tell? Let the podcast listeners know what's a giving?
Oh my goodness, this podcast had eyes, y'all. I am wearing a first of all high Welcome to adulting. I'm to show each other. This is Jordan Carlos.
You already knew what it was.
You already knew it was. You already knew what it was. Okay, but there is this really great fashion designer named Rachel Antonov. Oh yeah, I love her. Yes, Yeah, she's dope. She is inclusive. She has like a wild, fun New York kind of viby mine. And so I'm wearing like this oversized button down shirt that is presenting pajama but it's not which is my favorite, especially for travel, because I just need some drawsdrinks, okay. And it's got you know that quintessential New York coffee cup prints on it.
Oh that it's got a Bodega cup on it pattern over and over, folks. If you could see this, Oh my gosh, Yeah, I love it. It's like a Miami kind of like a New Orleans homicide detective type thing, but on its ear.
It's giving and hell in Dexter and Hell, I'm like, what Angel and Hell? And I need a Fedora and a little notebook to like really figure out what's going on in the crime scene.
Oh my gosh, I love it.
I can't watch crime shows no more. Why Like the fact that I'm traveling by myself doing a tour and just watching Law and Order is not okay. I am definitely giving dead Dominican hooker vibes. Why would I watch the.
Show because Marissa Harding.
Mariska Hargitay, how dare you icon icon more syllables? Please teach us Mariska Hargita, teach.
Us riska architect finds the killer now?
So I will not continue this podcast episode unless you say.
Her scene Melissa Archipelago. Fine, Oh you know what?
Siha producer, come back. I'm done, I quit Hi, I quit what?
Okay, I'm just saying it's Jane man Steel's daughter will always find the perpetrator. Okay? Is that? See? You know?
You know her name, I know her name, you know what it is.
I have to apologize for my voice today because I don't know, it got a little froggy.
Were you on Broadway last night? Singing?
Yeah?
Were you auditioning? Were you auditioning for Footloose? What was going on?
I've become Hobby Firestone.
I don't know why were you auditioning for Hairspray?
Or yes? All the above?
What Broadway play? Would you be in?
Dus? I'm like it hot? That was so good. I would be in that. I was like, can I can I come be one of the chorus people? Please? It was so cool and you could sing. I can sing, but not like this. I can't do this. I would be in that whatever Broadway musical is and only murders in the building.
You have a good voice, though. You're definitely the one in church where you're just like take it away, not a solo, but definitely like the person right behind the solo, thank you. And you're definitely the singer who you're just like karaoke night, give it to him first, cause he's gotta like set us off right, we're like save someone that just God. First of all, excuse me, karaoke people. If you pick a queen song, you're a fucking asshole. Go get your own room for eight minute songs. Oh fucking dare you? If you do eight minute song, put the microphone down and make it a group moments. We should all be singing it more than words. Extreme. You're gonna fucking subject me to your period playlist? Fuck?
Whoa? What is? Why are you coming?
More?
Are non blondes? Four non blondes? You don't need that microwave, that microwave, that microphone. Oh it's gonna be a long day.
You don't need that microwave.
Uh oh, someone chicken on butteau. She's had too much coffee and it's not working.
No, you know. I love a buteau streak, and you know that when you get on one and we don't know where it's coming from. We're mining, We're in a mine, you are, we hit a streak of gold, We're like, what is We're in the pocket. Yeah, I didn't know, and it's.
Give fourteen carrot bitch. Don't worry. My gold is giving Indian wedding.
Okay, we need to address some things that have not been addressed since the last recording.
We already talked about my shirt.
We talked about your shirt, but let's talk about your journey. I mean, you just did the Beacon Theater. I could not come. Can we talk about this? Is that? Okay?
Oh my god, this is hilarious you guys. So I have been on tour full Heart type Jeans, and I named it full heart type jeans because when people ask me how I'm doing, I always say my heart is full. My jeans are tight, because you can be in two places at once. Sometimes I feel full and empty and that's okay, recognize, realize, energize. And so she is in a pocket, she's in a poll, she's in a polus sized pocket. To day, you know, like I work I work at work. I work, and I love content, and I love creating, and I love sharing, and I love using a platform for good when I can. Right, and you see the comments on the interwebs, but to actually see the people in the seats who have sent you those dms, these beautiful fucking black, brown, queer, fat, round, non binary fucking faces, even like the mom who's taken her non binary teenager to my show, to be like, this is a safe place where we can laugh, wow, and we don't have to worry about what the world is doing or not doing for us right now.
How'd that make you feel?
Next level good good? Yeah, when you start comedy or anything you really love to do, especially in the art and entertainment business, you just feel like I've made it once I can make money and support myself, and so I've always felt super lucky and grateful for that. But then also to reach people and have them like see you and understand you and we're like vibing, it really is like a new next level that I couldn't have imagined for myself. And so you know, when I mentioned my book Survival the Thickest Bitch.
Get it in a hardcover and or softcover wherever books are sold. Hudson News shoutouts.
Look hard soft, I'm inclusive. I'm talking about tacos. Just kidding. It was a dick joke, but like it's so nice and so you know, I remember twenty some odd years ago trying to bring twenty people twenty two people to Caroline's, which is a comedy club in New York that's now closed. And that tells you how long ago it was.
We were kids.
Go on, it was also simple then, just kidding, it was harder and yeah, and then pretty much to the date, twenty some odd years later, to sell out the Beacon Theater, which I believe has roughly like a little over twenty eight hundred seats.
Hold on, we'll get the number and if it's less than that, then we'll lie. Hang on one second, Come on, Dan, Bob, I want to say.
It's twenty eight hundred and ninety four. And I don't know why I know that number. It just feels good.
Of course, you know, I know you look this up.
No, I don't know. I don't know. Let's look it up. Thank God for high speed Thank God.
For high speed internet. Hold on a second, Thank.
God for people that can unfast and be high.
Oh my god, wait what did you say that the number was?
I said twy and ninety four, But I'm not sure what's up.
You're in a pocket, in a pocket because you're fucking right, you know me. Would I have lied and been like.
Yeah, no, you would have. You would be so happy to let me know I'm wrong, And you, guys, that's what it's like being friends with a middle child. He would have been so happy and he wouldn't have like necessarily been like ha ha, but he would have like served his face.
There would have been in actually, yeah, there would be actually with a finger up, Michelle. You know, I'm constantly working on my inner middle child. All right, I'm doing what I can, doing what I can for it.
You're working on it, I'm working with it. It's a lot of work. But yeah, man, it was next level to you can actually like feel someone's love on your face from like a bunch of people. I'm just like, this is my halftime show, do you know what I mean? Like this is this is it? Like this is me being Rihanna pregnant and all read like suspended in the air, and so it was really really nice and this is why I'm humble, This is why I'm real. Because when I was trying on my outfit for the show, I asked my mom what she thought, and she's like, you know, I would have preferred something more age appropriate because you're almost fifty, is what she said to my bloated, freckled face that was.
So close, so close to a compliment. Go ahead, yes, And I'm just like, she.
Is who she is and I am who I am. Putting age on something to me is always like this unrealistic, patriarchal standard that we always are going to have to expect to meet, but we don't. And so while I was like very frustrated and sad and like a little angry, not only in that moment but still now as I process, I'm also grateful that I don't have to live under those expectations and standards that she has to, and I would never put them on my daughter. And so for her to tell me that was just also a reminder not to do that to my kids, right, you know what I.
Mean, absolutely, it's an object lesson and that what were you wearing? Tell the people it was adorable?
Go look at the pictures.
I should post some one I saw the pictures, But tell the people that the audience, our listeners, what you were wearing.
Okay? It was a very to me, a simple, classic, awesome outfit that I never had the chance to wear when I was younger, those options weren't available from me. But it was a long sleeved white shirt with like a little top titty meat because young my mom.
Yeah, are you doing that thing where you stare at me?
I was actually doing at myself because it looked good. A little mom, a little top titty meat never hurt nobody. My tis were look like a nice little ass crack on top.
Else got it?
Then it was a faux leather vegan pleatha plastic. Let's just say what it is. What's called on plus sized mini skirt with dope green boots. I don't know what kind of green you want to call this, but it was by Ray w r A y took me a wholes minute. I don't know if you can actually like either smell my brain fart or just like notice that I took a nap between smelling that.
Like what, It's all right?
But it was just a dope outfit and I felt powerful and like cool all this to say, you, guys, the only opinion that matters is the one you have at yourself point playing period. Bye. Do you need a tracking number for that, because I'll give it to you.
I think I actually know those green boots and that you wore them. Did you wear them? No, you didn't wear them for your special but I just know them. You weren't at the show before.
I think I have not they were new boots, but I appreciate.
You they were new boots.
Oh, I have a couple of green boots.
What is that? What is green boots? What's behind that?
You know what it is? Honestly, it's really hard to wear color as a plus sized person. The things that are colorful are like a hat or jewelry or shoes, and so you just end up wearing a lot of like black, brown, denim, white, and then your papa color is your shoes are like some sort of accessory. And you know, I used to have this joke back in the day. I'd go to Ma se'son go shopping and sometimes I don't get the like I don't only get a bottle of perfume because it's only thing that fits.
Yeah, don't make me laugh.
You gotta make pain funny. Joynay, you gotta do it. This has been a lot of me. This has been a lot of me, and you know what, there's gonna be more me. I'm just kidding. I'm really so excited and honored by our guests this episode. Oh my god. She's like one of the true American stories that we don't get to see on TV all the time, but now we do because she's got a dope show on BT plus, yes.
Three seasons deep. She's got her podcast, The pat Down. She has a new special on Netflix. If you aren't seeing or hearing Miss pat By now, yeah, I don't know what to tell you. You don't like ice cream, you ain't with the new you ain't with it. I love miss for a long time. I'm bowled over by her work, so I can't wait to get into this Kiki chop it up.
She's a whole ass. Like it gets greater later, Like I'm gonna stand you guys. You will definitely enjoy this episode because it won't be as much of me talking, just kidding, it will Miss pat everyone. Good morning, bitches.
That's how black won't wake you up. Good morning bitches.
Bon geor bitches let's go. Today's another day. We're feeling alive. We got top titty meat. This is amazing, It is amazing.
What Michelle said.
What Michelle said, exactly what Michelle said.
Are you in Atlanta?
No, I'm in La.
Oh okay, okay, okay, okay, yeah, got you.
What are you doing in La? Are you taking just over the world? Are you doing your tour? What are we doing in La?
I'm promoting my new judge show. So I'm out here just promoting.
I did Jay Hubb, I'm doing Jimmy kim on Sys, Hollyween, just promoting my show.
I love this, I love this for you. Can you just have your own talk show where you just go into the audience and let people know when they fucked up? Okay, everybody miss past new court show, Miss Pat Settles. It will premiere on BT October eighteenth. I just I just if I could just give you a big tit hug, that would just be my ultimate Kwanza preson. So did you grow up watching court shows? Have you been in court a lot?
Answer? Answer what you can without self incriminating. We can edit out what we need to edit out.
I don't give up to.
What you know about the system. Let's talk about it.
I know a lot about the system, okay, And it's nice to be on the other side of the bench.
Oh yeah, yes, yes, I love your story. It really is just like a true American story that we don't get to see all the time.
Pretty much.
If we can't make funny and create laughter out of pain and learn from our lessons and know that we can do illegal or bad things but still be a good person, then I don't really think you're living a truthful life.
You're not.
A lot of people are scared to even talk about their background. I remember I bumped into a girl I was doing time with and we were both at SO drugs at the time, and we both got busted and I bumped into it with her kids at the beauty supply and I was like, hey, I know you from jail. She was, my kids will whip me. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. The kids don't know you've been to jail.
They don't know you've been to jail. Where you been?
And I couldn't believe she said, I said, what are you ashamed of?
Yeah?
And so over the years, as my comedy career started to climb. She's come to the show, no extra. I've just seen her in Florida. I said, did you tell your kids you've been to jail? She said, I'm finally not ashamed. I said, how the hell are you going to keep your kids out of jail if you don't tell them what.
You've been Absolutely that part.
Stop trying to paint this perfect pictures.
I don't know why they always try to make the mama the perfect person, to make the daddy the villain.
Hey we got some villain ass mothers out here. You're looking at one of them.
You're a villain ass mother. Why would you say that.
I have a theory about this. I really feel like it's an unrealistic patriarchal standard that we are always held to to make us feel guilty, because if we can never really be what we're supposed to be, then we're always gonna be held down, and that's where they want us. And when I say they, I'm talking about like government, I'm talking about culture. I'm talking about Jordan. Just kidding, But like you know, when you really when you really stand in your power and stand in your truth, like don't you agree, that's when good shit starts happening.
That's what happened for me when I you know, and it also made me unique, and it made me different. People out there and waiting on a voice to say, hey, I'm not perfect, and people like, finally somebody like me.
You see these images on.
TV, you see other people reality, and they all make it look like it's perfect.
You know, that's why you got so many women run around here with these ant bodies.
All these bitches get the same asses, the same stomach, the same titties. Yes, I keep waiting for the bitches with the scratch marks and come back in style like me. You know, the long titty, uneven titty, but well we was loved in the nineties. Now everybody got perfect titty. Titties have never been perfect, even as a little girl. They start to grow uneven immediately. So why you're run here with these perfect, well supposed to be perfect body But time you sit on your buttt go up your bag.
But that's what society have given us.
You know when you mentioned that, it's funny because I used to have an Audi as a kid. Right, you get invited to the poor party.
Here we go.
I'm just saying I had an Audi belly button right, and it looked like another you know, it looked like I had, you know, two dicks. Basically that's called a hernie. I know, I know, But like when you told the story.
Of how big is your dick? If your belly button looks like it.
Wasn't it was basically the same. You know. I was a little kid at that age, thank you, And plus I had to be in the pool all the time, so it was you understand. Okay, The point is I appreciate that you shared the fact that you were missing a certain part of your anatomy. You nipple, my boom.
Okay, I didn't invest in the high speed internet. I should have. That seven dollars really would have made my life better. Did you get reconstructive surgery? Did you get the nipple back?
Well, it blew through the whole area all they just laid it back, so it's just a little rocky.
But the joke you make from it that a kid only drinks from one titty at a time, that's what you said, so it didn't matter anyway. I thought that was really I was like, damn, she take it and just makes it into scratch biscuits, like we say down South. I appreciated that.
Thank you.
I also want to just say before I forget your show, it has this kind of interesting artistic element to it. A lot of comedians will make a show and like, I remember, Seinfeld, uhould do stand upup front? You do it up front too, but it's like within the context of the studio itself, right, Seinfeld is at a club. Sometimes you're at a club, but you were like in the middle of your living room or here or there. Where did that come from? Exactly?
First, let me say that's not stand up, that's just a monologue to bring you into the show. Because I knew everybody was going to say that was side feel. That's just telling you what I'm going what I'm about to go through. Yeah, And that actually came from my co creator, Jordan E.
Cooper.
This show was created with me and a twenty two year old young boy who had never did a sitcom before.
He went on this year.
So we nominated for our second Emmy and he got nominated for ten Tonies for his play that was on Broadway.
So that was his idea. I hate the monolague. I was like, I don't want to do it.
Monologue they would give them to me at the last minute. It say go learn this, and I'm like, no, I just learned the whole strip.
I got a ged and so.
If y'all only knew what I went through to get those monologues out of my mouth.
You know what's so great is that I was talking to friends about working with young people, because obviously the older we get, everybody feels like a twelve year old at the office and you're like, what the fuck could you know? But there is such power if you let it, and clarity right for what other people are thinking, Like a whole other generation of people are thinking that we can't necessarily be intimidated by because at one point we were the young ones and everyone's just like, what is this? You know what I mean? Like, what is she known? It's just like if we are really being like we have to love ourselves and speak our truths, Like why wouldn't we do that with somebody that's twenty years younger, three years younger.
I learned a lot from him too, Yeah, tell us about that, I'll be.
Honest with you.
It was almost like God put us together because when I promoted my very first book, I kind of had to miss Pat show deal.
But it was like at the very beginning.
And he saw me on a talk show and his daddy said, you.
Should really read this later book. She's interested. Well, we're rewinded to two three years later, Lee Daniel.
He hooks us up and this kid studied me. Mind you, that was my third writer. A lot of times in Hollywood, most times you don't get three writers on the same project.
When it don't.
Work, they throw it out at don't But I was blessed to get three tries. And this kid came in and he studied me, and he knew every joke I ever told.
He listened every interview. He brought us some shit up like how you know that?
Wow.
Yeah, we pretty much had the show pre cast, and the daddy and his sister he had already had them.
Wow.
The only person I picked for the show was a young even now to the director, because Debbie Allen directed the show.
Wow.
He wanted to really push the envelope. That's why my show left from Fox and went to Hulu. Hulu shot the pilot and said, hell, no, y'all black folk crazy.
Well, I love it because it's a sitcom, but y'all be cursing up a blue streak on it, and I'm like, why I like that?
What?
Oh shit? They said all the seven words right, So I love I love that bit. It's like what you want to say, right, And we pushed the envelope.
We do we you know, we did my mama, Uh, boyfriend molested me. We did black hair, we did abortion, we did you name it?
We do it over there.
And that's what I like about being at BET because they let me be black.
Oh trust said.
Again, I love it because you know, it's important not to dumb down anybody's voice because no one's going to respond to that, like if you really want to respect. And I tell Jordan all the time, like we could be funny as the day is long, but if we're not using our platform for good, then what's the point. And so what you're doing right now is like not just opening the door for other women over forty, it's like it's making people feel seen and safe and heard, you know, to have important conversations because for me, the most awkward important conversations I had with my mom was because of an episode of good times or different strokes, Like it was always like what does this mean? You know, it's also giving language to people who don't have it, who say, oh, but this scene is what I meant, you know what I.
Mean, and people like I have a gay daughter.
So I was raised in the South, and you know, if you're raised in the South, and if you know anything about the South, oh, they just teach you to hate people that don't follow the room. And so I grew up thinking if you was gay, something was wrong with you. And a lot of times we never step back and take a look at the world until that world come inside of our house.
Yep. Well, I don't.
Remember ever seeing a gay person when I was coming up as a kid, because I didn't really understand it. But when my daughter came home gay, I had to choose between do I worry about what she lick on or do I continue to love her as.
Do I love her because she's my child?
Yep.
That was an eye open it for me.
And when we put it in the episode when I tell you my gay population have damned near triple triple triple, because in that episode that I've done, I try.
To teach parents, you know, no matter what your child.
Grew up to be, you gotta love them regardless, and you gotta accept their sexuality the same way they accept your alcoholism, your undercover whole.
One, everything a mama do. They tried to keep their kids.
From no One and just well, two weeks ago, I remember this girl coming up to me.
She said, my mother has never understood me being gay.
She said, I brought her to your show and she laughed at every fucking gay joke.
Now she want to talk about me being gay.
Wow.
So that's what I want to do.
I want to open people's minds. Whoever said you know sucking dick was right? So why are you gonna judge me for a sucking dck?
That's true.
I'm not gonna judge you for doing what you do. All I asked my daughter not to do is use my civil ware because she's nasty.
Yeah, getting back to sucking deck, sometimes it's wrong. You know what. I thought it'd be better if you put sunglasses on when your sucking deck, but it's really just dark.
You can do that with the lights off.
Okay, you know, I still want to see what I'm eating. But like, you know, sorry, Jordan, what were you gonna say?
It wasn't about sucking dicks? But I was gonna say, like you ever put a.
Dick in your mouth and you're like, this ain't it? You know what I mean? You need a shower giving red onion. You know it's given a spring onion. There's an onion, there's a there's a savory component that I was not expecting here.
I'm gonna say no, okay, but I.
Wanted to ask you ever had second dick so small you just pretend that it's big, just to be like, I'm doing this for you, and it's just like, no wonder. I'm an actor is the ultimate actor school.
You can't act when you're holding it with two fingers.
I don't give them fun if you viola David Youn have to say something.
Really, I feel like I might get the Creative Arts Emmy. There should be an NAACP Image Award for that, because I have definitely. It's sort of like you know when my when my kids spells something wrong, I'm like, good job. It's the same thing, right Anyways, Sorry, I went from dick sucking to my kids. Sorry Jordan, what we were.
Saying, Hey man, you know they.
Have to find some sucking dick. But you know the TMG really I don't even know what TMJ stands for. I just know that my jaw locks a little bit, right. I don't know. I just don't like when people try to choke you out and act like that's cute. That's just not my thing. It's like, why do you want to hurt me?
Do you know what I mean? I really think you sucking big wrong. The problem is you're down there too long? And who's going down on that long to get the Joe lick? You're supposed to just look at to get the bills paid and keep going. I'm done?
Yeah, But what if I'm paying the bills and I'm just doing it out of kindness? I don't know.
Let me ask you this though, please, did y'all know that penetration on average, I've read this report. Penetration on average only last five point four minutes on average. Really, yeah, most people don't want it longer than that. Wow, that stopped all your tracks. That stopped all your tracks at that you're just processing that shit?
Yeah, I'm trying think of five minutes, be cause I'm actually trying to think of like five minutes in terms of songs because I like to play music.
Sure, that's two songs, thank you? At least a song and a half.
Are you a producer?
Only on TV?
It's like two Drake songs. That's a bit it and it's called the temper Random Mandible ar Joint. That's what it is.
No, that's too long, that's what.
They call it.
Team j oh okay you yeah, you know. I just feel like the culture is becoming where we could actually ask for things right now and not be shamed. Hopefully. So if we can do that, like in an office setting or a restaurant, thoughts on the side that was never a thing growing up. Can you leave us off?
No?
This is how it comes. So I feel like if we can do that outside of the house, like we should be able to do it inside the bedroom. I don't know who's listening to this or who needs this. If you are asking or telling your partner that you would like something different and they're judging you or being upset or like I don't want to, then maybe that's not your partner. Maybe you should have different conversations around sex. That's true, Miss pat Have you ever had to tell somebody they're not doing it well and they got mad at you?
No, I've been mad for thirty one years. I always tell my husband. He's not doing it well because sometimes you fall asleep.
Fall asleep, you'd.
Be like, remember this, remember when I did it well?
Use your imagination from nineteen eighty five.
Oh my god, that's amazing. I love it.
Thirty one years I've been married thirteen Jordan, how long you've been married?
Sixteen years?
Yeah, So I mean, what are we supposed to know?
I think it's like a Netflix show. It's just like, give it nine seasons, it gets better, you know what I'm saying, Like those shows where they're like, you get through the first three folks seasons, Okay, it gets good on season five. But what do you think, ms Pat? What's your secret?
I mean might just just honestly, I've just never broken that trust barrier. And I think you know, once you break the trust barrier, even if you get back together, it's always gonna be in the back of your head, so it's never gonna be like it was before.
I mean, respect communication, you know, and it's not easy being with somebody for that loan.
You gotta you gotta constantly remind yourself you love this person, or you gotta constantly remind yourself, you know, to do something to spice it up. You know, I don't really worry about the spice. I just worry about the honesty and the respect. And that's what I get, because I mean, when you're gonna went through a no good piece of shit like I had before him, Man, you learn to tell you, hey, this boring guy is alright with me.
Yes, that's my brand. Thank you so much, miss pat for saying that, because I'm a boring guy and I think that should be all right.
But in a relationship, you do have to learn how to sacrifice. I tell you, I thought I would never need this, but I went to marriage counselor about two three years ago, first season a Miss Past show, and it was a lot of things I didn't know about my husband, even though we.
Had been together.
That it's a lot of things he didn't know about me that changed your relationship. Like I like to say I love you every day because my thing is, you know, you don't know what that they gonna bring, and you hope your loved one come back home. So I always make sure I say I love you so many times a day. My husband will never say I love it. He said, you know, I love your pay the damn bills. But I'm like, no, I don't the bills, don't come in the mail and say I love you, pat what eighty dollars do on Georgia power. So he learned that part about me, and then I learned to respect his space. I would say, we going here, we get up, and let's dope. Well, that's not respecting nobody's.
Space, you fucking demanded. So now come to him and say, hey, would.
You like to go to this would be but before he would get cussed to hell out you god damn motherfuckle.
Let's but he had talked to a man like that.
I love marriage counseling. I feel like, go if you can, even if you think there's nothing wrong with you. Also like, don't wait till it's too late.
You know.
I was talking to my therapist the other day. I told this to you already, Jordan. She was like, why don't you just say thank you to your husband for all the things he does when you see him do it? And I'm like, okay, because I was really focused on what he wasn't doing, And when I started saying thank you, the gratitude actually felt like in my spirit, like I was less anxious, less angry, less, disappointed, and I was like, I didn't even realize how many things you do in a day. So thank you, you know. And I feel like saying I love you is also my love language because we're not promised tomorrow send me off in the world, right.
Yeah, I think that's what Keith madges. When you can understand each other and respect their boundaries. That's why you never see my husband on the red carpet. He's like, I don't that ain't me. I don't want to do that shit, right. My husband tired from general motive. He just want to stay at the house and see by the dogs and fucking watch next makes on some TV or some shit.
That sounds good to me.
At first, it didn't because I was like, well, you know, he won't go places with me. But then I had to realize I come home to a good man. I don't have no issues. I don't have no baby mama. This man worked for twenty three years at Gentleal Motors. I ain't never had to pay a bill until now.
We get questions from the audience about life and adult ting. Yes we do, and we're gonna try and answer them. Are you cool with that?
Yeah? I'm more than cool with that.
So first question is my partner is going through a tough family loss and hasn't been up for any intimacy. It's hard for us because we normally have sex three to four times a week. I want to be there for her, but I also feel like the intimacy will help us both get through this. How do I approach her about this without seeming insensitive? What do you think?
I personally think he should go put it in a sock until.
She get over it. I can't the other match.
I'll even take his ass an Amazon and buy him a blow up doll. Nobody wants you on top of them when they stressed out. They're not gonna be into it, So go play with yourself.
Does she get us shit together?
Yeah?
Yeah, give her time, maybe a foot massage, like some other way of physical intimacy without the way I'm bam thinking, man, like maybe a massage, maybe you know, just something else.
Yeah, he needs to do something to get her in the mood, you know, center for a massage, like you said, take her to get her hair fixed.
I mean, but when it's time she had come around.
Yeah, but right now, put your penis in your pocketbook.
Yeah, or just have her sit on your face just kidding.
Put your penis in your pocketbook where it's the lip. I love that.
That is the name of this episode.
All right. Question number two, how do you find a decent job with a criminal history? Is entrepreneurship the only way to go? How do I maneuver through a job market that is not felling friendly and still keep my head up?
Well me being a convicted fella myself.
If it's a new felon, it's really hard and that's why you see most convicted felaon turn to entrepreneurship. But you're just gonna have to be honest on the application. I mean, be honest in the interview. And I know one thing.
If the felon is seven years old, you don't have.
To listen because it won't come up unless you're trying to be a police soft for a firefighter.
I think, okay, I think it's seventy teen years old.
I would never fill out an application tell somebody I'm a convicted fela because it's too old and you don't supposed to be pulling it back too far. I think seven years as as far as you can go. But whatever state you live in you should check and you know, if it's a new felon, of course it's gonna come up right, But you just gotta stay positive because when it's for you, it's for you.
Go on the interview and just sell yourself. Hey, I'm human. Everybody makes mistakes.
You got some shit on your background too, but it just didn't make it on your working Okay, Yeah, be.
Honest, and you could have done something that's it's like illegal in one state but legal in another.
You know, when people pull in your criminal background in history, it's fateral, gotcha?
Okay, okay, okay, can you point blank? Also, I think on an emotional level, and you know that you're not that person you know, and people will say or think things about you. I think it's good to prepare yourself for whatever questions might come your way, whatever attitude and judgment might come your way, and do a mock interview with a person who would ask you those things so you're not caught off guard, so you hear them and you know how to respond. You know, for me, when people catch me off guard, you know, I would have like a shaky voice and really try to get my thoughts together. But if I think about what could happen before I go into that room. I just feel more on my voice, more prepared.
You know.
And there's nothing wrong with being a little vulnerable, a little emotional, because I do think people will respond to that too and the truth. Like you said, if you ain't got nothing to hide, then it's like you can't hurt me or come for me. So yeah, I say, do that too.
Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah, this are some.
Good ass answers.
Uh, yeah, very good answers.
Next question, I am worried that when I die and my adult children come to my house to clear shit out, they're gonna find my vibrator collection and be traumatized. What's the girl to do? Ooh baby, ooh baby damn.
What I say is put your deal dose in your wheel, say if you find it, it's yours, and label them little Charlie go to meet me.
Where does the rabbit go?
Put the kids' names on it. You want to pass the deal those down to her?
I say, I want to. I want to leave you a good man. What a great idea.
I'm that is a new level of organization that I had never thought of. That maybe I'll leave it with some alcohol wipes next to it, just to be like, this is what your mom's uterus did. Anyways, I don't even know where you know. Usually I'm never stumped. But that was a good answer.
That's a good ass answer. I like that answer. I mean, yeah, now you know this much about me, you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, that's almost full circle to how we started the podcast episode. Because yeah, we were talking about being honest with your kids. They could take it because we're just people, right. Yeah, So we ask all our guests, what is one thing you want to do for yourself this year that you haven't had a chance to do, the most adult thing, And it could be anything very small, very big, even medium sized.
Some people say travel.
Some people don't.
Don't give her answers.
I'm just trying to help her alone. I'm giving her a pro.
Are y'all talking about me what I want to do?
Yes? Yes, look at the side, looking off at the distance.
She got a list, She got a list. You don't know where to start.
Shit, you know, I was just telling somebody I'm always taking family vacation because I'm such a family person, because I grew up without a family, So I like a lot of family around me, which is my kids and my grandkids. I really would like to take a vacation with just me and my husband.
Yeah, a whole seven eight days just us.
Yeah, no phone. What are we talking? Like a cruise or like a just a.
I'm talking about like just flying somewhere somewhere is zotic nice?
I just want to go.
Somewhere with just me and him to connect. Yes, just to connects. That's what I want to do.
I love that for you. Can I come? I'm just kidding. Thank you so much for sharing your gifts and your challenge with us and the world.
Thank you so very much.
I know I just love her so much. I mean, you guys, if you want to see her do some amazing stand up. She's got some stuff on Netflix, the Degenerates. She's got a book called The Rabbit because that was like her nickname while she was a drug dealer. What you know, She's got an hour long special called Miss Pat. Y'all want to hear something crazy? She got podcasts called The pat Down with Miss Pat. Like she's so great. She's on tour you know next year, you know, the tours called Your Girl Done made it? Like, we just love to see Big Titty Bitches when and she's got a new court show coming out on BT, Miss Pat Settles It. Yeah, and I know we have some international listeners, and I feel really bad for y'all that can't like get a Hulu or BT. But you know you can listen to her podcast because you know, podcast is like Peanua pool, it's everywhere, so true.
Also, if you get a VPN sometimes you can watch shows internationally. And you know, I mean, if you have something that needs limited liability negotiation, maybe you could go on to Miss Patch show. It could all happen. She has quite the constellation of projects like somebody else I know. And it's just really cool because she's down to earth. Yes, you get that real Atlanta pronounced Alanta feel from her, and I appreciated that. You know, she's like just taking the time.
It's a fun little place where it's like you're down to earth but like your head's still in the sky like dreaming, you know what I mean. And so that's such a beautiful place to live in. Also, just to know that your voice matters, because I have a lot of friends in their late forties early fifties who are just like who wants to hear from me? Who wants to hear what I'm doing. It's just like a lot of people. A lot of people, by the way, a lot of people are like you, yeah, and they would love to hear from you.
Sis.
So it's just like whoever's listening to this podcast. Yeah, just know that your voice matters. Like if you want to say something or do someone, just fucking do it. Please think as a fuck you know what I mean?
Yeah, better out than in, like a cosmic fart, That's what I'm talking about.
Or yes, belly buttons you know what?
You know what? Yes, that's in and out?
No, I say out.
I can't believe you body shame me now for my belly button. I'm over here, like little belly button you like fucking whatever.
I truly have never heard anyone say it looked like two dicks. So I was taken a black it was. I'm so sorry.
It was two dicks, two dicks, two dicks at once.
But your dad is a guynecologist, is it?
What does that have to do with anything?
Well, he obviously has some saying in the matter. No, like is it just like cleaner to have an outie?
First of all, he would always say, it's gonna go back in. It's gonna go back in. When the kids stopped laughing at you. It went back in. Finally when I learned about crunches in the seventh grade, so I did like a thousand crunches, and it was like, go in in in more. And finally I was like.
This is so sad. This reminds me of when jan put lemon juice on her freckles. So they go away, and I have freckles, and I'm just like, do they have to go away?
No?
We love them. And now people are putting freckles on their face.
Yeah.
Now people are asking me if my freckles are real, and I'm like, no, they're fake. And so's the backfat move on.
You're right.
So all I'm saying is the thing that you are always made fun of is the thing that will be celebrated in life.
Oh okay, okay, okay, noted me and my belly button like that. Thank you, Michelle.
Oh my god, okay, I feel like I've done it. Yeah, I need to take off to these Michael core Target glasses. I have my readers. Yes, So you guys, thanks for listening, and bye bye.
This has been an exactly right production.
Our senior producer is g Holley.
Our associate producer is Christina Chambers.
This episode was mixed by John Bradley.
Our guest booker is Patrick Cottner.
Additional production support from Hannah Kyle Crichton.
Theme song in live show DJing is by DJ Don will.
Our live show producer is Marian Ways.
Artwork by Jamie Bechtel.
Photography by Heis vander Most.
Executive produced by Karen Kilgera, Georgia Hartstar and Daniel Kramer.
Follow the show on Instagram at Adulting the Pod.
Email your questions to Adulting Questions at gmail dot com.
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